200612 Newsletter

QUEENSLAND BUSHWALKERS CLUB Inc. Newsletter

74 Kallista Rd. Rochedale South QLD 4123 Email [email protected] Phone No (07) 3341 7509 www.geocities.com/qldbwc

December 2006

Mt Maroon via the Caves Route

Club News AGM

Pilgrimage 2007 th

The AGM was held on the 7 of November and all positions were filled. A hearty welcome to the new committee and to the members who put their hands up for the other voluntary positions available. Helen MacAllister has emerged from Vice to become the President while Gary Woodward has taken on the onerous job of Vice President. David Rae has accepted the position of Training Officer. Lynn Nicol, Lynne Cavanagh and Richard Kolarski have been sentenced to serve another term in the same positions. Danuta Gur is our new Social Secretary. Emmanuel accepted the position of Outings Officer at the AGM but unfortunately has resigned so Patricia Kolarski who was to be Treasurer has stepped in as Outings Officer. Bob Gur has now filled in the vacant position of Treasurer. In the other voluntary positions, Trevor Davern has continued as Equipment Officer, Margaret Smith has returned to the role of Supper Convenor, Kerry de Clauzel has taken on the job of Federation representative with Richard, while Frank Bowling and Barbara Makepeace are our FMR representatives. Our Club is well represented in the Campsite Monitoring. We have 5 members involved, with Barbara and Kerry taking on more than one campsite. A full list of the present committee members and our other volunteers plus their phone numbers is in every Newsletter usually on Page 2.

On the weekend of the 4-5 November, fourteen members from QBW and the Ipswich Bushwalkers Club inspected some possible sites for next years Pilgrimage. After surveying a few sites, the Kalbar Showgrounds (near Boonah) has been selected as the site of the 2007 Pilgrimage. Pilgrimage 2007 will be held on 24 to 26 August 2007. Trevor Davern is convening/chairing the working party for the preparation and delivery of the 2007 Pilgrimage. Logan and Beaudesert Bushwalkers Club have now expressed interest in co-hosting, so Queensland Bushwalkers Club Inc will be hosting the Pilgrimage along with Ipswich Bushwalkers Inc, Brisbane Catholic Bushwalking Club Inc, Logan and Beaudesert Bushwalkers, and Federation Mountain Rescue.

First Aid Course

11-12 November 2006

Seven Club members attended a St John’s course in Senior First Aid which included Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation over this weekend. The course also covered topics such as applying First Aid, managing injuries at an emergency and providing emergency care. At the end of the course there was a short multiple-choice exam and all seven members passed and received their certificates. Good On You to Helen, Noelene, Mary, Patricia, Ian, Jens and Richard. Check out the man in bandages, or is that bondage on Page 2.

Page 1 of 8

General Information

The Management Committee

Meeting Place

President

Helen McAllister

3844 8464 (H)

Club Meetings are held on the first Tuesday of each month at the East Brisbane State School, corner of Stanley Street and Wellington Road, starting at 7:30pm. No meetings in January. There is parking within the school grounds off Wellington Road. Consult a street directory, as there are a number of one-way streets in the area. There is also parking in Wellington Road.

Vice President

Gary Woodward

3245 2695 (H)

Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits are provided after the meeting. A coin donation would be appreciated.

Membership Before a visitor can go on a walk, he/she must be a Member (Probationary or Ordinary) or be a member of an affiliated club. Membership of QBW lasts till the end of the Club’s financial year which is on the 30th of June each year.

Probationary Membership A non-member automatically becomes a Probationary Member on his/her first walk after signing the waiver form. There is no fee payable to become a Probationary Member. However a Probationary Member must become an Ordinary Member on his/her 2nd walk by filling out a membership form and paying the membership fee.

Secretary

Lynn Nicol

3219 6228 (H)

Treasurer

Bob Gur

3345 3971 (H)

Outings Officer

Patricia Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

Membership Officer

Lynne Cavanagh

3376 5053 (H)

Editor

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

Social Secretary

Danuta Gur

3345 3971 (H)

Training Officer

David Rae

3395 1838 (H)

Other Voluntary Positions Equipment Officer

Trevor Davern

0411 512 202

Supper Convenor

Margaret Smith

3886 3342 (H)

Federation Rep

Kerry de Clauzel

3209 7146 (H)

Federation Rep

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

FMR Rep

Frank Bowling

0419 715 719

FMR Rep

Barbara Makepeace

0421 784 783

Campsite Monitors

Ordinary Membership A person may become an Ordinary Member by filling out a membership form and handing the form to a committee member or walk leader and paying the membership fee. An Ordinary Member has the right to vote at an AGM or be elected to a committee position. A Probationary Member has neither of these rights.

Members of Another Bushwalking Club Members of another bushwalking club affiliated with the Queensland Federation of Bushwalking Clubs or another State Federation are covered by the same Insurance as QBW. It is not necessary for them to become a member of our Club to go on our walks.

Barbara Makepeace

Ratatat Hut Mt Barney Spicer’s Double Peak Saddle

Kerry de Clauzel

Throakban Lower Portals

Richard Kolarski

Running Creek Falls

Christine & Cliff Harrison

Mt Superbus

Ann Kemp

Spicers Peak

John Brunott

Ballows

Editors Pic

Equipment for Use by Members ITEM

No

Contact

Ph No

Compasses

29

Dave Kenrick

EPIRBs

5

Frank Garland

3341 5207

GPS

4

Trevor Davern

0411 512 202

UHF Radios

12

Abseil Gear

3349 8238

Trevor Davern

0411 512 202

Trevor Davern

0411 512 202

Back Pack

1

Trevor Davern

0411 512 202

Emergency Lights

6

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509

First Aid Kits

3

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509

Topo Maps

34

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509

Sunmap CD’s

1

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509

Equipment for Sale Bivy Bags $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00 These bivy bags are 2 metres by 0.9 metres and are bright orange in colour. They can be used as a pack liner and can double as an emergency bivy bag.

All Tied Up.

Club Polo Shirts $20.00 each L, M and S size left only Space Blankets $2.50 each. Light weight and take up no room at all. A must for all walkers! Ring Patricia Kolarski on 3341 7509 to purchaser any of the above. Page 2 of 8

New Members Malcolm Crabtree As at 31/10/2006 we have 114 financial members

Membership Officer’s Report 2006

Past Committee Members Reports President’s Report 2006 Over this past year the Queensland Bushwalkers Club Inc (QBW) has continued to pursue its goals To encourage all bushwalking and related outdoor recreational activities To support and promote preservation and conservation of the environment

Trevor Davern

Secretary’s Report 2006 This is the first year I have held a committee position although I have been a member for many years. I have enjoyed my time immensely as secretary and hopefully have carried out my duties successfully. The following is the list of the key tasks that I have completed during the last year. While not arduous, some of these are new tasks that are required now our club is incorporated: · Notify the government department, Office of Fair Trading, via an annual return of our current committee members and financial details; Advise of new members per acceptance letters;

· Issue renewed membership cards for the current year; · File all inwards and outwards correspondence for future reference; & · Attend monthly committee meetings and record detailed minutes. It is a pleasure to be part of QBW where there is great camaraderie and everyone has the best interests of our environment at heart with their love of bushwalking. I have enjoyed working with the current committee for the past 12 months and hope the incoming committee finds 2007 just as rewarding. Next year promises to be a busy and exciting year for the club with planning and co-hosting the Pilgrimage. Best wishes to all our members and safe walking.

Meet and greet potential new members at Club meetings. Provide the Club information sheet and event calendar.

To provide a safe and social club atmosphere for members. I acknowledge the invaluable efforts and sacrifices of volunteers in the club who have given so much of their time, effort, experience, and knowledge, and who have involved in various committee roles and with leading/organising walks and other activities. Without the effort of these people nothing could be achieved. Our club activities may involve anything within the terms of the insurance cover that we have. I again encourage members to come forward with suggestions on certain levels of walks or other activities they want to involve in. These people may themselves become volunteers to organise or co-ordinate the activity with the support and assistance as required from other experienced members of the club. I am aware that we have many in our ranks who are willing to help others in this regard. We now have the exciting project of preparing and delivering the 2007 Pilgrimage. Many of our members have volunteered to directly assist in the preparation and also in leading walks. We have the added benefit of sharing this challenge with likeminded people from FMR, Ipswich Bushwalkers Club and Brisbane Catholic Bushwalkers Club. The Kalbar Showgrounds has been chosen as the venue. I look forward to the coming months so that we can apply our knowledge, skills and experience to the task. This also provides us with a unique opportunity to do something that could be mutually beneficial for the local community. I envisage that the coming year will provide QBW with rich and positive opportunities to further develop the skills and experience of our individual members, culminating in the best pilgrimage ever.

·

I have been a member of the Queensland Bushwalkers Club since 2002 and this was my first year as a committee member with the role of Membership Officer. The role of the Membership Officer is not hard or time consuming and the main tasks are to:

Explain the ratings of the walks listed on the back of the event calendar. Introduce potential new members to walk leaders. Membership as at November 2005 was 111 financial members. Membership as at November 2006 is 112 financial members I have enjoyed this year working with a great Committee and wish the incoming Committee all the best and support in 2007 and success in hosting next year’s Pilgrimage. Lynne Cavanagh

Training Officer’s Report 2006. QBW training from November 2005 to November 2006 has been possible because of the unselfish assistance of members throughout the year. Examples of member assistance include: Dave Kenrick and Richard Kolarski for the Navigation Training Day Trevor Smith, Trevor Davern and Barbara Makepeace for abseiling training activities Richard Kolarski for work on the Training Quiz which appears in the monthly newsletter. A First Aid Training Course is to be conducted by St John's Ambulance on the weekend of 11/11 & 12/11/06. It is vital that we have people in our club who possess up to date first aid training and skills as evidenced in the unfortunate accident that occurred on a walk in the last few weeks. Thank you to those seven members who have enrolled for the course. The Training Officer's position needs to be filled by someone with general bushwalking skills. If you feel that you have something to offer in this area, I encourage you to give it a go. I would like to thank the other Committee members, particularly Richard Kolarski and Trevor Davern, for their advice and assistance throughout the year. Frank Garland

Editor’s Report 2006 The Newsletter has been produced monthly over the last year with the usual exception of January. Only six members out of our present membership of 112 have asked for the Newsletter to be posted out to them. The Newsletter continues to be available on the Club website for free. I would like to thank Danuta Gur and Maria Lanari who have helped in the production of the Newsletter. This has allowed me to go overseas to do some walking. I had written down detailed steps necessary to produce the Newsletter for my co-editors and this has proven successful. I would like to thank all the members who sent in write-ups and photos. Also a thank you to all those who made suggestions for the Newsletter. My duties also involve looking after the website and email address. Patricia Kolarski looked after the Club emails while I was away and I would like to thank her. However the Club Calendar was unable to be updated on the website during my absence. I believe the way the Calendar is set up on the website will need to be simplified so that it will be possible that anyone would be able to update it. Richard Kolarski

Lynn Nicol. Page 3 of 8

Training Quiz

Past Walks

Previous Month’s Questions with the Answers: What do the terms True North, Grid North and Magnetic North mean and what do they represent on a topographic map? What do the terms grid convergence, magnetic declination and Grid/Magnetic angle represent?

Upper Ballanjui Falls

22 July 2006

This is a pleasant track walk at Binna Burra that follows the Border Track then Shipstern before heading off towards the falls. Unfortunately there is no link-up with Lower Ballunjui so walkers have to retrace their steps. All up we walked about 12 kms, a medium length walk through rainforest and open sclerophyll forest.

Upper Ballanjui

True North, Grid North and Magnetic North are shown diagrammatically for the centre of the topographic map and a diagram like above is printed on all topographic maps. True north (TN) is the direction to the Earth’s geographic North Pole. Grid north (GN) is the direction of the vertical grid lines (eastings) on a topographic map. Magnetic north (MN) is the direction from any point on the surface of the earth towards the earth’s north magnetic pole. Grid convergence is the angular difference between GN and TN. This varies across the country but its magnitude and direction east or west of TN is usually less than 2°.

Ten of us set off under an overcast sky. Our first stop was for morning tea at a lovely waterfall just off the main track beyond the Daves Creek turnoff. Who should turn up but Redencion, out on a private walk. We then headed off to admire the view from the top of Ballunjui Falls. There was some haze and a bit of cloud around but still it was worth the effort. We could see down towards the bottom of the falls but couldn’t get close enough to the edge to see into the pool below. Next we followed the side track to Guraigumai Rock. Not much of a view here because of the cloud and surrounding vegetation. We found a bit of a clearing along the track in the sun for our lunch break. A cool breeze got us up and going again for the walk out to the cars. Afternoon tea in Canungra finished off an enjoyable day.

Magnetic declination is the angular difference between TN and MN.

Many thanks to all who came, especially the drivers. Patricia

Grid/Magnetic angle is the angular difference between GN and MN. It ranges from about 5° west of true north in W estern Australia to about 15° east of true north in easter n Australia. Grid North is used in preference to True North for map reading purposes. Because the position of the north magnetic pole moves slightly from year to year, the grid/magnetic angle and magnetic declination will vary by a small amount each year. In using a map for accurate navigation, magnetic variation can be important, particularly if the map is several years old.

Mt Maroon

Next Month’s Question: The question for next month is: How do you orientate a map using a compass?

Coming Events Nepal Himalaya Trek

March/April 2007

I am organizing a small private 23-day trek to the Everest region March/April 2007. We will be walking to Gokyo, Kala Pattar and Tengboche. For further information contact Gail Cibilic. Ph: 55468 189 or e-mail [email protected]

From the Editor A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone. Just a reminder that there will be no Newsletter in January. The next Newsletter will be in February 2007. This Newsletter carries on the tradition of having an extra 2 pages of various degrees of funniness for your reading pleasure.

23 July 2006

The lucky thirteen of us gathered at Beaudesert and after sorting out transport, began the drive to the start of the walk. It was a cloudy day but no rain was expected. We began along the track to go up Mt Maroon the normal “tourist” way but quickly turned off and followed a small foot pad which contoured round the mountain. This trek was to ascend Mt Maroon along a northerly ridge. After crossing a couple of dry creek beds the track ascended a ridge to the cliff line. We were all huffing and puffing when we reached the cliff line and quickly decided to have morning tea. There was a large cave nearby but due to time restraints it was decided to leave it for another day. After morning tea we began a slow contour along the cliff line to get to a ridge where we could get to the mountain plateau. There was no track available now and we had to find our own path over the large bundles of boulders in the way. Once we were on the correct ridge we pushed through some regrowth after a forest fire and made it to the rocky plateau. There we were rewarded with magnificent views in all directions. We continued along the plateau to a high point. We could see people scrambling on the true summit of Mt Maroon to the south but we had our own minor peak to ourselves. We had a leisurely lunch in the shade of some large boulders before coming down our peak to join the main track. It was then a steep scramble down the narrow gully back to our cars. We met other bushwalkers from NSW who were on a day walk on the way down and had a chat with them. Afternoon tea at Maccas finished the day. Many thanks to Maria for putting on this alternate way up Mt Maroon. Richard

Page 4 of 8

Border Track

Mt Cordeaux - Bare Rock

30 July 2006

Border Track – here we come! We certainly didn’t expect the response we received when we posted this walk for the second time. Lucky to get 6 on the list last time. It was decided that we wouldn’t do the walk if we didn’t have at least 8, so we were taken off guard when we did the count and had 18 registered. At the last minute one person had to cancel.

27 August 2006

The weather couldn’t have been kinder this day. Just great. Our meeting place was Aratula rest area – everyone was early and eager to go. Up the mountain went the small convoy. At the crest carpark there was a last minute check and chat. The first part of the track “zigzags” up the mountain under a canopy of rainforest.

Mt Cordeaux-Bare Rock Border to Border with People

The plan was that everyone would meet at Canungra and then do a car shuffle. A little last minute tweaking and finally all was right. Bob started off with his group to Green Mountains (O’Reilly’s) and I took off for Binna Burra. The day was just perfect. An early start and three new people in our group – welcome – Paul, Marlene and Barbara. The first part from Binna Burra is a very gradual climb. The track passes through some delightful rainforest with some spectacular views over the Gold Coast. Before we knew it we had passed the Daves Creek circuit turnoff and were headed toward the next junction - Mt Hobwee Circuit. At this junction we had a small rest to catch our breath. Onwards – now all of this next part was a bit new to me not having been further than the Hobwee/Araucaria turnoff. So what was ahead? More great rainforest and in some areas the track was muddy and narrow. Just when I thought we wouldn’t see Bob’s group there they were. So of course time for another break. It was apparent that Bob’s group was a little faster and a bit further down the track but that didn’t matter. The happy faces in the photo said it all. Making sure we swapped the right keys, off we went again. The next half… was just as good as the first half. A gentleman who passed us at one point was on his return leg. Must have gotten up with the birds. The Antarctic beech trees were fantastic and of course we had to take a couple of photos here. Before we knew it we were treading the formed track near Green Mountains. What a sight. Cars located and off to Canungra to meet the other group. Coffee never tasted better. Just made it – as the Outpost was closing…...and some had to have takeaway. What a great walk and I look forward to doing it again next time but starting from Green Mountains end. All in all a great day - a great walk. Thanks - Bob and Danuta Interesting Fact: When the Tweed volcano was active, 21-22 million years ago, there was a subsidiary vent. This filled with lava which solidified before it could be expelled from the vent. Over millions of years the actual vent eroded away, leaving the harder intrusive rhyolite plug which we know as – Egg Rock.

As the track climbed steadily upwards we were rewarded with some breathtaking views. Towards the lookout we saw the open mine shaft that had been cut into the cliff-face by gold prospectors many years ago. Views from Mt Cordeaux lookout were spectacular and a great place for morning tea – a little windy but not bad. Incredible red flowers (giant spear lilies) dotted the mountain and the track ahead. We diverted to take in Morgan’s Lookout, however, views were very limited. The track leading to Bare Rock passes through rainforest and ends on a rocky knoll with another spectacular view over the valley. A few minutes of well earned rest to enjoy the surrounds. A good day for photography and David Rae hopefully got some good shots. The walk down the track was much easier, and just when I thought it wouldn’t happen there you have it a snake coming across the track. I noted that it had a nice round lump in his belly just before he turned around and went back into the bushes. We returned via the Fassifern Lookout track. Well worth it. Now what would a walk be like without the obligatory cuppa at the local café. Well done, Lorraine. Bob & Danuta PS Looking through the “Wildlife of Greater Brisbane” we found that our “friend” was possibly a rough scaled snake. Editor’s Note-This snake is venomous and aggressive if harassed. Best left alone!

Somerset Trail

10 September 2006

At 0845 at Mt Mee State Forest picnic grounds, it was cold, very wet, thunder and twelve shivering people grouped under a few umbrellas waiting perhaps for the extreme weather conditions to go quickly. However not all walkers were adequately equipped for a wet, soggy, and low cloud walk. So after interactive discussion it deemed inappropriately unsafe and unpleasant to go ahead much as we were looking forward to the day. Off to the Samford Plaza coffee shop for most walkers to dream of another activity or simply go home. It is greatly appreciated to those who ventured to Mt Mee in this unusual weather (the drought they say). For me it was worth the trip just to say ‘hello’ and catch up quickly with friends. A big thank you to all.

Page 5 of 8

Christine.

Mackay Hinterland Great Walk

6-12 August 2006

Sunday 6 Aug Richard and I were on time to meet Margaret, Noelene and Maria at the Mackay airport on the Sunday morning. After a quick city and harbour tour and lunch in the sun at the Gooseponds, we headed out through the Pioneer Valley and up to Eungella.

The view from the rock slabs on top of Mt Dalrymple is a fantastic 360 degrees. At night the lights of Mackay could be seen. It was a bit windy and cool on top so no one elected to camp out.

Possum

Mackay Marauders

After a quick look at the view down the valley from the Chalet, we arrived at the Fern Flat Campground only about twenty minutes before Gerry, who had driven up from Brisbane. It was about a 600m uphill then downhill walk into the actual camp and we were to walk it many times over the next six days. A lot of work has been done to the picnic area since we were here last; new toilet block and a pleasant grassed area with tables. The campground also has a new toilet. The ranger lives on-site so everything was clean and tidy.

Platypus

Up went the tents then off we went looking for platypus in Broken River. I have never been disappointed and, sure enough, just about every time we went looking, any time of day, we were sure of a good sighting. Monday 7 Aug Today, with a short car shuffle, we walked Day 1 of the Great Walk. This is only a short 10km easy track through rainforest with views down into the Pioneer Valley – very pleasant. In the afternoon we drove to Eungella Dam. Sadly, it is only 17% full and cows were grazing between the lower end of the boat ramp and the water’s edge. Everything is very dry on this western side of the Great Divide. Tuesday 8 Aug The nights are cold, 3 degrees by Noelene’s thermometer, with heavy dew and much condensation inside the tents. This morning we did a longer car shuffle, leaving a vehicle at the end of the Day 2 section of the Great Walk. Once again we were walking in rainforest along a well-maintained track. Unfortunately, the last 3km were along the dirt road. Day 3 also has a long road section. Wednesday 9 Aug Our overnight walk to Mt Dalrymple began today with a 20km drive to the starting point. The track is extremely well marked with excessive amounts of tape every few metres. The track has three long steep ups and downs with a few shorter ones in between. This took its toll on two of the walkers who decided to set up camp early on a flat area along the track. The rest of us soldiered on. Exhaustion overtook me about 500m before the end so Richard kindly bounded ahead, dumped his pack at the top, came back and carried mine into the campsite.

Enough flat space to put up a tent was a bit difficult to find but we managed with only three tents. Richard later went exploring and found more space further down below the summit. A possum came to visit in the evening but made no effort to search out our food. Apparently visitors are so rare that they haven’t learned to include human food in their diet. Thursday 10 Aug Up bright and early for a relaxed breakfast, pack up and a final climb up to the top for the view, last minute photos, and then off we went back to find the rest of our group. We had morning tea at their campsite then we all trudged up and down and up and down back to the car with a quick stop for lunch near the end of the walk. We stopped for a look at the view from Peases Lookout on our drive back to Eungella. With a little difficulty we found a coffee shop for the afternoon tea ritual. And what a place it was. The owner, an artist from Germany, had a shop selling jewelry and other bits and pieces. She had constructed and planted out a large garden with paths wandering along, all her own work. The toilet was a work of art, if one could actually fit in there, that is. Noelene has a photo that shows it better than words could. Back to Fern Flat Campground to put our tents up again for one last night. We had company for the first time with a father and his three children and another couple. Still plenty of room for us, though. Friday 11 Aug Final pack-up and walk back to the cars and we headed down to Finch Hatton Gorge. The track is much improved since last I was there and we made good time up to Fire Wheel Falls, even taking heaps of time for photos and exploring along the way. An early lunch back at the picnic ground where we had left Richard, busy rearranging his gear in his pack. Gerry left us here, heading to Sarina then on to Rockhampton the next day, making it a safe, steady trip back home. We headed for Cape Hillsborough National Park. We had booked a campsite but on arrival, the dirt was packed so hard from campervans, etc driving on it, that our pegs bent. So, we decided to have a bit of comfort and moved into a cabin. Plenty of room for the five of us to spread out our stuff and get organized for the next phase of our trip. Dinner at the restaurant at the campground was a welcome change from dried pasta. Yummy desert was a special treat. Saturday 12 Aug No rush this morning as the flight taking our three companions home didn’t leave until late in the afternoon. After breakfast a shower of rain sent us back into the restaurant for an early morning tea. We finally packed and drove back to Mackay with plenty of time for exploring the town and window shopping. Our party finally split up with Margaret, Noelene and Maria leaving us at the airport. Richard and I then headed north to Townsville for the start of his Hinchinbrook trip, but that is another story. Patricia

Page 6 of 8

Some Things To Think About

What a Difference In 30-Years

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

1973: Long hair

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

1973: Growing pot

There are two kinds of pedestrians --the quick and the dead.

2003: Growing pot belly

Life is sexually transmitted.

1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said: "Quit while you're ahead?"

2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2003: Longing for hair 1973: KEG 2003: EKG 1973: Acid rock 2003: Acid reflux

1973: Killer weed 2003: Weed killer

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Always get the last word in: Apologize. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

1973: The Grateful Dead 2003: Dr. Kevorkian 1973: Going to a new, hip joint 2003: Receiving a new hip joint 1973: Rolling Stones 2003: Kidney Stones

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

1973: Being called into the principal's office

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

2003: Upgrade the system

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

1973: Passing the drivers' test

2003: Calling the principal's office 1973: Screw the system 1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved!

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 to 15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster...You are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration

A Bear Walks Into A Bar A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says: "We don’t serve beer to bears." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars." The bear very angry now, says, "If you don’t serve me a beer, I am going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says "Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars". The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears who are on drugs." The bear says, "I am not on drugs." (You're going to love this) The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

2003: Passing the vision test 1973: Whatever 2003: Depends

Employee Of The Month These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US corporation: 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom – and continues to dig. 2. His men would follow him anywhere – but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This employee is really not so much as a ‘has been’ but more of a ‘wont be’. 5. This employee works well when under constant supervision – like a rat caught in a trap. 6. When she opens her mouth it seems it is only to change feet. 7. He would be out of depth in a car park puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 9. He sets low personal standards – and constantly fails to achieve them. 10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

Miscellaneous Terms ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. MYTH: A female moth. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

Page 7 of 8

Advertisements

Seeing Double

Here are some ads reportedly put in the paper. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Can you read these right the first time?

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

10) I did not object to the object.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Illiterate? Write today for free help. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) Bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at the dove it dove into the bushes.

13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

English As a Crazy Language There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Men vs Women A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. A woman will dress up to go shopping, empty the garbage, and get the mail.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? People recite at a play and play at a recital. You ship by truck and send cargo by ship. You have noses that run and feet that smell. How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? Your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

More Miscellaneous Terms

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman knows all about her children, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Page 8 of 8