200412 Newsletter

QUEENSLAND BUSHWALKERS CLUB Inc. Newsletter

74 Kallista Rd. Rochedale South QLD 4123 Email [email protected] Phone No (07) 3341 7509 www.geocities.com/qldbwc

December 2004

Love Creek

Club News Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

First Aid Course

The QBW committee would like to wish all members a happy and safe walking Christmas and a prosperous New Year to come.

The Bushwalkers Of Southern Qld. Inc (BOSQ) will be conducting another First Aid Course on 19 & 20 March 2005. They held a very successful one last year.

Walks Planning Day

This will be virtually a repeat of the previous one, except that there will not be catering for the group. Participants are to bring their own lunch, and BOSQ will provide tea and coffee.

A Walks Planning Day was held at Dave’s place on the 30/10/2004. A draft Calendar has been done up to July 2005. Thank you to everyone who contributed and especially those who put their names down to lead walks. The Club needs more members to become leaders to ease the burden on those who are already regularly leading walks. Anyone who has a suggestion for a walk or is willing to lead a walk please contact Dave on 3349 8238

Membership Renewal Any member who joined QBW between January and July last year has their membership due on the 1st of February 2005. These members will be contacted by mail soon, so no need to wonder when you joined. We know who you are! These members will need to pay an additional $10.00 to bring their membership up to the new financial year ending 30 June 2005.

BOSQ are extending the invitation to Federation/FMR to make it available to all member clubs in the Brisbane area, and to promote it as a Federation/FMR event. It will enable people to renew their CPR if they need to. Contact Lyn Edwards on 3379 1585 for more information. Trainer Cost Numbers Venue Date

Note that the QBW committee will reimburse a member who does a First Aid Course up to $50.00 if that member has led or leads a walk. We encourage all members to have a First Aid Certificate and what better way to do it than with fellow bushwalkers.

Comings and Goings

Next Newsletter There will be no January Newsletter. The next Newsletter will be in February 2005.

St. John's Ambulance approx. $120 need 20 to make it viable Wellers Hill State School Saturday & Sunday, 19 & 20 March 2005

Next Club Meeting

Peter P was seen recently after spending some time in Scotland chasing munros. A munro is any mountain in Scotland that's 3,000 feet or higher.

There is no Club Meeting in January 2005. The next Club Meeting is on 1st February 2005.

Richard and Patricia K are back safely from the Middle East after spending 6 weeks there. Page 1 of 8

General Information

The Management Committee

Membership

President

Trevor Cox

3273 3484 (H)

Before a visitor can go on a walk, he/she must become a Probationary or Ordinary Member or be a member of an affiliated club.

Vice President

Trevor Davern

0411 512 202

Secretary

Bob Gur

3345 3971 (H)

Treasurer

Gary Woodward

3245 2695 (H)

Outings Secretary

David Kenrick

3349 8238 (H)

Probationary Membership

Membership Officer

Ken Walters

3344 1927 (H)

A non-member automatically becomes a Probationary Member on his/her first walk after signing the waiver form. There is no prescribed fee for a Probationary Member.

Editor

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

Other Voluntary Positions

A Probationary Member must become an Ordinary Member on his/her 2nd walk by filling out a membership form and paying the prescribed fee.

Social Secretary

Evelyn Campbell

3809 2354 (H)

Training Officer

Frank Garland

3341 5207 (H)

Equipment Officer

Steve Moyle

3800 3963 (H)

Supper Convenor

Danuta Gur

3345 3971 (H)

Federation Rep

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

Federation Rep

Trevor Cox

3273 3484 (H)

FMR Rep

Richard Kolarski

3341 7509 (H)

FMR Rep

Frank Garland

3341 5207 (H)

Membership is only $20 and lasts till the end of the Club’s financial year, ie on the 30th of June each year.

Ordinary Membership A person may become an Ordinary Member by filling out a membership form and handing the form to a committee member or walk leader and paying $20.00. An Ordinary Member has the right to vote at an AGM or be elected to a committee position. A Probationary Member has neither of these rights.

Members of Another Bushwalking Club Members of another bushwalking club affiliated with the Queensland Federation of Bushwalking Clubs or another State Federation are covered the same Insurance. Thus they do not need to become a member of our Club for insurance purposes.

Meeting Place Club Meetings are held on the first Tuesday of each month at the East Brisbane State School, corner of Stanley Street and Wellington Road, starting at 7:30pm. There is parking within the school grounds off Wellington Road. Consult a street directory, as there are a number of one-way streets in the area. There is also parking in Wellington Road.

Campsite Monitors Ratatat Hut

Barbara Makepeace Ed Thistlethwaite

Running Creek Falls

Richard Kolarski Gary Woodward

Throakban

Kerry de Clauzel Trevor Smith

Mt Superbus Spicers Peak Mt May

Christine & Cliff Harrison Ann Kemp John Brunott

Creature Feature

Tea/Coffee and cake/biscuits provided after the meeting. A coin donation would be appreciated

Equipment for Hire The Club has a backpack (suitable for use as a day or through pack) for hire at $5.00 per week. QBW is also looking at purchasing further equipment in the near future. Any suggestions for equipment to buy would be appreciated. Also any person who has surplus equipment and would like to donate or sell to the Club, please contact one of the Committee members or Steve Moyle on 3800 3963.

Bivy Bag/Pack Liners for Sale The Club has purchased a quantity of pack liners from VicWalk suitable for through packs. They are 2 metres by 0.9 metres in a bright orange colour. The packliners can double as an emergency bivvy bag and have helpful information printed on them. They are available from the Club for $3.00 each or 2 for $5.00.

Club Shirts

Stick Insect

Phasmids (Leaf or Stick Insects) Stick and Leaf Insects have developed the shape and colouring of the leaves and twigs of plants they live on. They can change colour to match changed surroundings.

EPIRB Available for Members

If disturbed, they may sway gently like leaves or twigs in the breeze. They may drop to the ground, pull their legs to their body and remain very still, perfectly camouflaged as a stick. If grabbed by a predator, they can drop a leg, and later grow a replacement.

The Club has purchased an EPIRB. It will be available to any member of the Club at no charge for use on weekend or weekday walks.

Phasmids have the ability of parthenogenesis [Gr. = virgin birth]. This is a form of reproduction in which the ovum develops into a new individual without fertilization.

If you would like to take the EPIRB on a walk, ring 3341 7509 on where to pick up and return the EPIRB.

There are about 150 different phasmids in Australia.

The club still has a number of Club polo shirts for sale. They are available in XL, L, M and S size. $20.00 each

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Special Coming Events Hinchinbrook Island

5-9 September 2005

Thorsborne Trail I have booked the Thorsborne Trail for six people, the maximum party size permitted for this walk. Spread over five days this will be a fairly easy throughwalk. Five days’ food as well as camping gear needs to be carried but water will be available each day. Also, because of the long lead-up time, I will have a waiting list just in case someone has to pull out. If interested please phone me on 3341 7509. Patricia Kolarski

Hinchinbrook Island

5-9 September 2005

Mt Diamantina At the same time there will be a separate trip with 5 people booked to climb Mt Diamantina on Hinchinbrook. Contact Richard on 3341 7509 for more information.

A full half decade before Minister Dawkins set in train the whole, and largely unnecessary, accreditation industry, FMR had finalised its suggested list of training topics for use at both the club and FMR levels. NORLD etc. are still fluffing around with their Standards etc. This same list of topics that we use has stood up well over two decades to use in the real world. FMR has probably the longest history of actually testing equipment, especially old equipment, under laboratory conditions of any comparable organisation in Australia. FMR has and maintains a wider range of Mountain Rescue Equipment than any other known comparable group in Australia. FMR has not had a serious injury in either training or Search and Rescue work, despite the obvious genuine risk in the case of Searches and Rescues. By examining Insurance claim statistic FMR has been able to alert bushwalkers to common causes of claims such as age-related fractures and simple stumbles arising from the need to use glasses.

Future Safety And Training Research Proposal A letter from Ron Farmer, Vice President of the Queensland Federation of Bushwalking Clubs (QFBWC) and Vice President of Federation Mountain Rescue (FMR). Hi All, Both the Federation Mountain Rescue and the Queensland Federation of Bushwalking Clubs have recently approved bushwalker participation in some new Safety Research related to injuries sustained on club bushwalks. Your future contribution is consequently now being sought. Background Over many years FMR has been a pioneer in improving the Safety and Training, and, Search and Rescue of Bushwalkers in South East Queensland, in particular, and indirectly more widely. Here are a few examples, in no obvious order. FMR’s formation predated that of SES. Bushwalkers were thus the first to recognize a need and to then address it. FMR successfully advocated selected signage to reduce the incidence of bushwalkers becoming lost on selected wilderness areas. This has been quite successful. FMR pioneered the adoption and improvement of overseas stretchers originally designed for snow and ice work. They liaised directly with the inventor and manufacturer, Hamis McInnes, in this work. FMR produced probably the first manual on Mountain Search and Rescue in Australia. FMR, much later, started, a Safety and Training level manual. The development of FMR’s peer-review Rescue Leader process and skill and knowledge acquisition mechanism in a volunteer setting were also novel. FMR first developed and then published in the public domain, the first comprehensive set of base administration forms applicable to Search and Rescue work. FMR first emphasized the importance of second aid after first aid and through our Rescue Leader Neil Musch, who was also a qualified first aid instructor, gave the first course on what is now regularly done under the name of Wilderness First Aid. FMR has been able to influence clubs by various means, leading to a drastically reduced absolute number of bushwalking fatalities per decade. In relative terms this performance is even more spectacular. FMR has also been able, by various means, to almost reduce bush searches for club members to zero. Many bushwalkers, still living in the past, fail to recognise this improvement and fondly look back to the past when there were more searches as a means of sustaining interest in FMR. FMR’s role is now mainly in preventative training and skill and knowledge development.

Following this last line of enquiry further, Frank Bowling and myself recently investigated the QISU (Queensland Injuries Surveillance Unit) database for clues on what injuries in the bush presented most frequently to Queensland Hospitals. The Future Safety And Training Research Proposal This letter describes the future direction this last investigation might take. It is concerned with distinguishing between club bushwalkers and others who walk in the bush but are labeled in the popular mind as bushwalkers. It is concerned also about more meaningful collection and analysis of relevant data. It is concerned about what is already published in this regard. Finally, it is concerned with the future use of this new data to better target our training to further reduce the occurrence of hospitalization from within the club bushwalking fraternity. As stated above QFBWC and FMR have already approved, in principle, the pursuit of this work. At a meeting with Dr Peter O’Rourke from the School of Public Health, University of Queensland, Frank and myself outlined the case for seeking a research student to pursue this work professionally as part of their dissertation component of their degree course work. Peter agrees that the project had merit and is currently seeking a suitable student. Frank is seeking a supporting liaison officer from within the bushwalking community. This has now been successful. QFBWC and FMR now want to encourage and assist club participation in this valuable work. The results of this study may help us reduce our Insurance premiums in the longer term and aid in discussions with QPWS related to unwarranted closures from alleged but unsupported dangers in wilderness areas. The principle liaison officers with the bushwalking community would be the Outing’s Officers of each club. Data collection might run for a month only, in the first instance. It is envisaged that once a sound methodology is established further more significant research would be done. The results, of course, would be available for use by bushwalkers. A call is therefore now being made for some volunteers, individuals or club, to run an FMR Bushwalker Safety Research meeting next April, similar to our recently successful video, talk and film evening. This will be an FMR/QFBWC sponsored event. The focus of presentations will be on the above-described investigation and related material. We will also need someone to approach the equipment stores for prizes to aid as inducement for full co-operation in the data collection side of this endeavour. Any volunteers? Help will be needed with promotion of this initiative. Again who is prepared to lend a helping hand? Finally, Rescue Leader level review of the type of data to be collected will be needed so as to improve the usefulness of QISU data gathering. Rescue Leaders are invited to participate. Regards, Ron Farmer

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(Interesting Fact 1: Araucaria is the scientific name for the hoop pine that is found in the area”.

Past Walks Love Creek and Cedar Creek

3 July 2004

A large group of adventurous souls left to brave the unknown bushland at Brisbane's back door. The wilds of the Brisbane Forest Park were unknown to some of our group and most had never heard of the Love Creek-Cedar Creek circuit. The weather was clear and warm, ideal for walking in this shaded creek system. After leaving the cars we made our way to Annie's creek and had an enjoyable time negotiating numerous faces, shallow creek crossings and rock hopping down to the top of Love Creek Falls for smoko. The falls consist of two drops of approximately 15 metre each with a wide rock shelf in the middle. Unfortunately the "poor people" on the coast were living in a haze that day and we were unable to distinguish any of the coastal features normally seen from this spot. A short detour was made to view one of the last giant red cedar trees still standing in BFP.

Interesting Fact 2: When the Tweed volcano was active, 21-22 million years ago, there was a subsidiary vent. This filled with lava which solidified before it could be expelled from the vent. Over millions of years the actual vent eroded away, leaving the harder intrusive rhyolite plug which we know as – Egg Rock.)

Gwyala Peak

24 July 2004

Gwyala Peak is one of the high peaks situated just north of the Barney Spur and sitting between Mt. Barney and the Ballows. It’s one of those peaks I have been thinking of climbing for a number of years but until now have not had the opportunity. About a week before the walk I was talking to a fellow club member who had done it, and he indicated that he did not think the trip worthwhile so I was starting to wonder what I had put myself down for.

A short distance up Cedar Creek on top of another waterfall was the site for lunch. We were surrounded on all sides by rain forest and rock faces, a beautiful setting. A comparatively easy stroll up Cedar Creek took us to the foot of Greene's Falls, up over the ridge to Annie's Creek then up to the cars. Once back at the cars it was back to Samford for that longed for coffee fix to end a great day's walk. My thanks go to Richard for acting as point, to Steve for going tail and to all members of the group for making the day so enjoyable for everyone concerned. Hopefully I will see a whole new group of faces when I put this walk on again so that they too can enjoy the beauty of this off track walk. Happy trails to all. Drew.

Araucaria Track

11 July 2004

This track is located at the Binna Burra section of Lamington National Park. It is 18km return but an easy and very interesting walk.

Chow Time at Gwyala

After our usual rendezvous at Boonah we set out for Windy Ridge above Grace’s Hut where we started the walk towards the Upper Portals. After reaching the Upper Portals camp site it was an easy matter of following an obvious ridge directly south of the old camp. A solid slog up this ridge brought us to a shoulder where after a morning tea break we continued the now very prominent ridge to a knoll a 100 metres or so below the main peak. From here the ridge changed direction across a saddle to the final climb to the main peak. Just after crossing the saddle we came out on to a rocky slab area with the best view of the Ballows range that you are ever going to get. The whole Ballows section appears to be laid out in front of you like a giant relief map. It was decided to continue on to the top and return here for lunch. After scrambling up some short steep rocky outcrops the top of Gwyala Peak was reached which has a large flat area where views were obtained through the trees over to Mt. Barney, Mt. Lindsay etc. After a short explore at the top we returned to the rocky slab for an extended lunch break where we took in the sensational view of the Ballows. This alone was worth the price of admission.

Araucaria Track

Nine of us (two new members – welcome Neville and Hugh) commenced down the Border track, trudged passed the Daves Creek turnoff and headed toward Mt Hobwee circuit. The track is well sign-posted and very soon we came across the junction for Araucaria. Only one small section of this track was overgrown but not impassable. At the Lookout we all managed to scramble up onto the ledge to take in the magnificent view over the Numinbah Valley and a well-deserved break. Even the small shower did not phase us. Ok, let’s get back folks. The loop easily located and down we went. Whoops, nearly forgot the inevitable photo shot. Thanks, everyone. A great day. Bob and Danuta P.S. If anyone finds a gold “R….. watch” it could be Bob’s.

After our lengthy lunch break (compliments of an early morning start) we retraced our steps back to the Upper Portals for a short rest before tackling the most painful part of the trip – the long slog up the hill to the cars on Windy Ridge. Before I did this trip I consulted the trip notes in the South East Queensland Bushwalkers Guide which stated the entire trip up from the Upper Portals was entirely through rainforest. This proved incorrect with the entire route through open forest on a very obvious ridge making the navigation a breeze. Overall the trip was well worth doing and with good company, good views and wearing a new pair of boots for the first time that did not give me blisters, what more could you ask for. The only thing we missed out on was some nice sun to warm us at lunch time. I would like to thank all who joined me on this walk for making the day such an enjoyable outing. David Kenrick

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Bithongabel

24-25 July 2004

Six of us met up in an otherwise empty O’Reilly’s carpark on a cool and cloudy July morning. This walk was billed as a beginner’s through-walk, and for two of us, it really was our first attempt at carrying on our backs all of life’s essentials for an overnight away.

creek and the gorge from the creek bed, something not possible when the creek is in flood. We took our time to reach the falls, enjoying the walk, as time was not an issue.

After checking our gear and adjusting straps, and learning how to get a heavy pack from ground to back unassisted, we set off down the Border Track soon after nine am. Bithongabel was a relatively easy 6.5 km along the track, and we made good time despite the unfamiliarity of a heavy pack.

Watson’s Creek Falls

The falls are impressive even without water and would be more so in wet weather. They are high, maybe 100 metres and in two sections of about 50 metres each. The first section falls to a spillway before cascading to the ground. I was so glad to have completed this walk in the dry first up, because it will be a completely different walk in wet weather. We left the base of the falls all vowing to come back after some prolonged rain and climbed out of the creek bed to have a look at the falls from the top down.

Follow the Leader at Bithongabel

We set up camp amongst the Antarctic Beech trees, had a cuppa and lunch, and were ready for the next part of the adventure, which involved continuing along the Border Track for about another 3 km or so towards Mt Merino, before heading off track in search of Belson’s Falls.

After about an hour we reached the top of the falls and cautiously had look down once again being surprised by the height involved. After lunch at the top of the falls we set out for the climb back to the rabbit fence (some more negotiating, no wonder the rabbits have trouble) which would lead us back to the cars.

After pushing through quite a bit of scrubby undergrowth, we found the remains of an old track and followed it along the creek to the top of the falls. This could have been a lovely spot to linger a while, but we were conscious of the need to get back to camp well before nightfall. Staying on the old track, we managed to avoid most of the scrubby undergrowth, and re-joined the Border Track a little further on from where we had left it.

This walk was very enjoyable and exceeded my expectations. I will take the walk again as soon as we have decent rain. Over coffee at Boonah the group agreed that it was a great walk.

We were fairly tired that night so managed to sleep on and off for many hours, and were sufficiently re-juvenated in the morning to decide to take the longer, more scenic route back to O’Reilly’s along the Tooloona Track. As a beginner, my overall impressions were the great beauty of the landscape, particularly the mist around the Antarctic Beeches, the many and varied waterfalls we passed, good company, and the satisfaction of doing something I hadn’t done before. There was some learning as well. For us novices who had borrowed camping gear, we agreed that it would be preferable to choose equipment that suited us better. The other first-timer found her tent to be too much like a coffin, while mine was larger and heavier than it needed to be. Still, I’m looking forward to the next time.

Helen McAllister

Watson's Creek Falls

8 August 2004

Thanks to Ken for navigation, welcome to Nina and well done on your first walk and thanks to the walkers who joined me. Trevor Cox

Larapinta Falls

After previous unsuccessful attempts to get to the top of Larapinta Falls, I was determined that this time it would be completed.

Another typically perfect August morning for 12 walkers to discover the wonders of Watson's Creek. Ken Walters was the only one of the group to have done this walk before so it was a first for the rest of us and the first walk with the club for new member Nina Komlenovic. We met at Boonah at the respectable time of 8 am and drove to the other side of the Boonah border gates where we left the cars. Watson's Creek is situated at the base of Mt Clunie. Mt Clunie is bisected by the rabbit fence and this was the first obstacle we had to negotiate. Once over that we began the decent into the downstream end of the creek. The country out there is very dry, as it is all over, but this simply added to the stark attraction of the area. Watson's Creek is protected by heavy scrub in places but we found a passage through and began to rock hop up stream towards the falls. This was a great opportunity to observe the

11 August 2004

On Top of Larapinta Falls

Eight of us set off along Christmas Creek on a fine sunny day. It was an easy creek crossing as there had not been rain for a couple of months and the water level was low. We made good time up to Westrays Grave, a favourite spot to stop and have morning tea. From here we went further upstream to the creek junction. We then took the ridge separating the two branches. Wait-a-while and loose steep earth hampered our way. Some of us felt the full tearing force of the vicious lawyer vine. The thick rainforest changed to open sclerophyll as we ascended and the going became relatively easier.

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Near the top of a knoll we found a red tape and a faint trail leading down to where the top of the falls should be. We decided to follow it, wondering whether it would lead us to our goal. It did! The track led us directly to the top of the falls.

We reached the top of the ridge and were surprised to find the Stretcher Track clearly visible. It looks as if it gets regular use.

There were great views through a small gap in the foliage but only the brave risked going to the edge of the falls. Though it was relatively dry, the rock had still the potential to be slippery with a deep drop down to the icy pool below. We had lunch savoring our success. As our jubilation eased, the cool of the day set in and we made our way back. On the return we found a better way down, avoiding the thick wait-a-while. Many thanks to those who came along on this first trip by the Club to the top of Fountain Falls. Richard

Wallangarra Ridge Walk

14 August 2004

Walkers from Toowoomba, YHA, NPA, Family Bushwalkers and Queensland Bushwalkers, nine in all, spend a lovely day walking from the campground via the Sphinx and Turtle Rock to the trig point at the end of Wallangarra Ridge. As we set out, we could see smoke in the distance from the Rangers’ burnoff, though our track was not effected, and there was a dust haze on the horizon.

Running Creek

It was then an easy walk mostly downhill along the ridge back to the car. The clear day gave us fantastic views. At the Neglected Mountain saddle we decided we had followed the wrong ridge down. This only encouraged us to try this walk again. Many thanks to Drew for suggesting the walk, Jenny for her company and Steve for his driving. Richard

Mt Superbus

28-29 August 2004

After meeting John Lane at Boonah we regrouped at the Head parking area at Teviot Gap. 1¾ hours later we reached our 1st monitoring site where we carried out our annual measurements, assessments & photos. This site has increased by 50%, with modification of log movement and excessive wear particularly since last year. Next Mt Superbus North, also monitored and showing excessive dryness but excellent leaf litter cover protecting the site. By 4:30pm we set up our overnight camp with the distant rumbling of an approaching storm. Somehow this year it circumvented us and disappeared, hopefully to a much-needed dry area. After a couple of hours of westerly cold winds, these too died down to a peacefully full moon lit night.

Wallangara Walkers

The weather was cool, as you’d expect at Girraween in August, and very windy, but the sun was out and the pace was steady. We explored the cave under Turtle Rock and vowed to come back someday to find some more. The huge granite slabs were wonderful to walk on and no one was in a hurry for the day to end. Even the lure of hot showers couldn’t make us hurry back.

Sunday after breakfast we inspected the suggested monitoring site near Mt Superbus once a reasonable grassed area, now has become fully overgrown by brambling raspberry vine and bracken. Took only photos.

As with everything else on this weekend this walk was a great success. Thanks to Fiona and Nim for leading the walk and congrats to Ian for predicting the time it would take. Patricia

Running Creek

22 August 2004

This walk was a preouting to check out a new way to get to Running Creek Falls. On a beautiful clear day we drove down to Christmas Creek Road and the Stinson Memorial Park. After parking the vehicle we set off to the Neglected Mountain saddle. At the top of the saddle we spent some time looking at maps and working out which ridge to take down the other side. We eventually decided on one and began our descent. The ridge initially was a gentle slope but it become progressively steeper and steeper plus very slippery with the long grass. We did not cross an anticipated old road and eventually we reached Running Creek. We followed the creek upstream and after crossing it a couple of times reached the junction of England and Running Creek. We stopped and had a well-deserved rest and lunch. From here we made our way up where once there had been a track up to the Stretcher Track. There was no sign of a track and we had to bypass a couple of small cliff faces.

Lincoln Wreck

Onward to visit the Lincoln Bomber (crashed on 9th April 1955) campsite for another monitoring exercise. The area looked in good condition considering the dryness. The bomber and surrounding area is slowly being encased by Raspberry vine. After lunch at the lookout, we retraced our steps back down to our cars by 2:30pm. Thank you John for your company.

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Christine & Cliff

Kids History The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children in 5th and 6th grade. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don’t get it. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

Why We Love Children A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." An exasperated mother, whose son was always into mischief, asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said." I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the priest leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the priest's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's an absolute bugger to iron." When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy"? "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

Maths A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework. Mum." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" When teacher stopped laughing, she replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

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MUMS

OZ Words

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I. said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home! " 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

The results are out for the Ozwords comp where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by adding or subtracting or changing only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition:

The Paomnnehal Pweor Of The Hmuan Mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. amzanig huh? "

billabonk

to make passionate love beside a waterhole

bludgie

a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet

dodgeridoo

a fake indigenous artefact

fair drinkum

good quality Aussie wine

flatypus

a cat which has been run over by a vehicle

matesh*t

all your flatmate's belongings lying strewn around the floor

shagman

an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity

yabble

the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

bushwanker

a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

crackie daks

'hipster' tracksuit pants

shornbag

a particularly attractive naked sheep

QBW Poem Last night as I lay sleeping I died or so it seemed. And then I went to heaven (but only in my dreams). And when St Peter met me outside the pearly gate he said I'll get your record please stand here and wait. He came back rather flustered Your records full of flaws Didn't you do anything on earth for a good cause. I see here you drank liquor and used bad language, too. Seems that you’ve done everything good folks would never do. We can't have your kind up here your life was full of sin. Then St Peters eyes grew large He gasped and said, "Come on in". He took me to the big Boss Please treat this sinner well. It says he walked with Dave He's had his share of hell.

Did You Ever Wonder Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why you don't ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why Doctors call what they do "practice"? Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"? Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food? Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why sheep don't shrink when it rains? Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

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