You Know You Are A Queen When...

Subject: Are you a queen? 1. If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

2. If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 3. If you're over thirty and thinner than you were in high school, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 4. If you know all the lyrics to any musical besides Jesus Christ Superstar, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 5. If your Christmas decorations include dried roses or baby's breath, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 6. If you know the difference between a "soundtrack" and an "original cast album," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 7. If you tape Martha Stewart Living religiously, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 8. If the only professional sports you watch on TV are gymnastics, diving, and figure skating then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 9. If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

10. If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 11. If you have more ties than teeth, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 12.If you know how to spell Barbra's first name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 13.If you've never felt the need to use Barbra's last name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 14.If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 15.If you've ever watched the Miss America pageant and said "Where did she get that dress!", then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 16.If it took you a while to realize that International Male was a catalog, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 17.If you've ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony Awards, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

18. If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

19. If your video collection contains "All About Eve," "The Women," or "Mommie Dearest," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 20.If you've ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

21.If you receive a floral arrangement and can name more than three flowers, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 22.If you've ever used the phrase "floral arrangement," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 23.If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 24.If you know where to find tulle really cheap, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 25.If you can tie a bow tie on someone else, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen. 26.If you know whether Chita or Rita did the film version of West Side Story, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 27.If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 28.If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 29.If you have "dress" sneakers, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 30.If you own more than two throw pillows, and they didn't come with the couch, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 31.If you've ever seriously considered purchasing a divan, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 32.If you chose your socks this morning to bring out your eyes, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 33.If you use a Crate and Barrel bag as a lunch box, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 34.If the only reason you learned how to use the record function on your VCR was because it was male-strippers day on Donahue, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 35.If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 36.If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

37. If you own any article of clothing with the logo "2(x)ist," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 38. If you still mourn the premature demise of Conran's, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 39.If you've ever bought a Barbie doll for your niece's birthday, but her party comes and goes and she never actually opens up a Barbie doll for a present, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 40.If you've ever walked down the street, had a dozen beautiful men say hello to you, and not been able to recall a single face or name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

41. If you own a pair of kneepads yet play no organized sport, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 42. If you've ever uttered the phrases "Get her!", "She's a mess," or "What's her problem?" then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 43.If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 44.If you've ever needed a massage because you'd overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

45.If you've ever even for a second wondered what size butt plug you’d take, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 46.If you simply hate the color lavender because it makes you look sallow, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

47. If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the

emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

48. If you know for sure that Richard Gere isn't gay because you know a guy who slept with Gere's brother, who is gay and who swears that Richard isn’t, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 49.If someone says "How 'bout them Bulls?" and all you can think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen. 50.If you see a sign for IKEA, Pottery Barn, or Hold Everything and your palms start to sweat, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen. 51.If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 52.If your pairs of shoes outnumber days of the week, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 53.If your underwear drawer is filled with nothing but Calvin Klein, in assorted styles and colors, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen. 54.If you save the packaging materials from said Calvin Klein purchases, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 55.If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

56. If you've ever, while walking down the street, executed an impromptu series of Grande jettes, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

57. If you still can't get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 58.If you've ever gone to a Mel Gibson movie, merely in the hope that he will repeat his buttbearing performance in Lethal Weapon, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 59.If you've ever felt guilty at being attracted to someone as homophobic as Mel Gibson, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 60.If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

61. If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo's David, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 62.If you've ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

63.If you've ever sighed with jealousy at the sight of a starlet in a feather boa, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 64.If you take a size-13 pump, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 65.If you own any chaps and they weren't designed by Ralph Lauren, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 66.If you've often had a "beard," but never had facial hair, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 67.If the last time you put on a floor-length organdy ball gown, you first had to shave your chest, then, honey, you might be gay. 68.If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you've given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you're a Queen. 69.If you'd sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn't match, then, honey, you might be gay. 70.If you're the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 71.If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 72.If whenever you hear the name "Christina," you get the urge to shout "No more wire hangers!", then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 73.If you're currently wearing a studded, leather ring approximately 3 inches in diameter, but no one can see it, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 74.If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.

75. If you've ever spontaneously quoted any of the lines from Auntie Mame or Steel Magnolias, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 76.If you've ever run a red light because you were too busy thinking about what you were going to wear to the White Party, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 77.If you've ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 78.If you've bookmarked www.menonthenet.com, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 79.If you've ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!" and your name isn't Mary, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

80. If you worship Marky Mark, but own none of his CDs, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 81. If you can tell on sight the difference between a salchow and a triple lutz, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 82.If you've sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 83.If you're the only one in the class picture wearing spats and an ascot, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

84.If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 85.If you know exactly where to find those Brad Pitt photos on the Internet, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 86. If you can give directions to the nearest "glory hole," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

86. If you prefer Maria's 1958 Normas to her 1959 Normas, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 87.If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man” makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 88.If you have more friends named Richard, Steven, and Michael than Rich, Steve, and Mike, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 89.If you've ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 90.If the last time you danced at a wedding, you accidentally started to follow, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 91.If people admire your "six-pack," and you don't drink soda or beer, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 92.If you've ever introduced someone as your "partner," and you’re not in business together, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 93.If you've ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 94.If you're known as someone who works "The Circuit," but you have no knowledge whatsoever of electronics, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

95. If in your last "divorce" you fought over who would get the Soloflex, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 96.If you've ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 97.If you've ever answered the phone at night to the sound of a husky male voice and asked 'So, what're you into?' only to find the guy’s from Citibank, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 98.If you regularly slap other men on the butt, but you don't coach a football team, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 99.If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 100.If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you're a sick Queen. 101.If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 102.If at the gym you spend more time in the shower than on the Stairmaster, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 103.If you've ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen. 104.If you regularly "toss the salad," and it involves no greenery or vegetable of any kind, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

105.If you've ever said "Look at the tits on her!" and there were no women anywhere in sight, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

106.If you've ever gone 5 blocks out of your way to walk through Times Square to check out the latest Antonio Sabato billboards, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.

YES ANSWERS: Over 100 - Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!) Over 90 - Gayer than Quentin Crisp Over 80 - Sassier than Rip Taylor Over 70 - Nathan Lane! Under 69 - Honey, you're not hanging out with the right people!