You Have A Hammer Cyoa

You have a Hammer CYOA By assaultedmuffin Your cable is broken. You cannot watch TV. Since you have no technical experience whatsoever, you call a cable repairman. Soon the doorbell rings. You invite the cable man in, and he immediately comments, "Damn, what's that smell?" Now it may be true that you haven't cleaned your place in a couple weeks, but where does this guy get off on criticizing you? He's a cable repairman. **** him. You decide to tell him that. "You're a cable repairman. **** you." Rather taken aback, he apologizes and you lead him to your cable box. He moves back the TV to get at the wires, and makes another comment, "Gross! There's **** back here!" You may have mice in your house, but that doesn't mean he's better than you. You spot his toolbelt and snatch his hammer. You have a hammer. What do you do? Inventory: Hammer A) Smash this guy's head in. B) Smash other things. C) Put the hammer back before you do something irrational. D) Go get a snack with the hammer. C) Put the hammer back before you do something irrational. He did not notice that his hammer was gone. That's good. You'll just slip it right back in, safe and sound....-"Why are you touching my ass?" This guy. Always with the quips. "Your hammer was loose. I didn't want it to fall." Then you wink, just to keep him on his toes. He averts eye contact. What do you do? A) Pursue homosexual advances. B) Grab the hammer again. C) Ask him if he needs any help. D) Look out the window. B) Grab the hammer again. You grab the hammer again. This time he notices. "What the hell are doing?" he asks. You wink again. "Stop that", he demands. "Just give it back." He puts out his hand.

What do you do? Inventory: Hammer A) Give it back. B) Smash his hand with the hammer. C) Wink again. D) Offer to trade him for his wrench. C) Wink again. You looked at his outstretched hand. You look at the hammer. You look him in the eyes. You close one of yours. He stands up. "That's it! If you don't give me back my hammer and leave me alone, I'm leaving." You try to calm him down. "Baby, I know you're upset-" He cuts you off. "The hammer. Please." What do you do? Inventory: Hammer A) Give him the hammer. B) Give him "The Hammer". C) Go berserk. D) Try to eat the hammer before he can take it from you. D) Try to eat the hammer before he can take it from you. Cable Repairman looks angry. You don't know what to do. You could call his bluff, but you'll have no TV for at least another 3 or 4 hours, the time it takes to call a different repairman. On the other hand, maybe he wants a battle. You conclude the best course of action is to eat the hammer, clearly making yourself the victor in this little quarrel. You shove the hammer into your mouth, metal end first. Once you get that down, the rest is easy. The hammer gets lodged in your throat, the nail remover scratching the walls of your esophogus. Your airway is completely blocked, and you begin to feel light-headed. What do you do? Inventory: Hammer Regret A) Try to pull the hammer out.

B) Make indecipherable noises and point at your throat. Cable Repairman will get the idea. C) Try to shove the hammer further down your throat. D) Wink. D) Wink. You're choking. This is clear. However, if you die, that clearly means you lose. You have to let him no that your obstructed airway is no big deal. You wink. The cable repairman grabs the handle of the hammer, and yanks. The hammer comes out of your mouth, along with several of your teeth, and a bit of the flesh that used to line the top of your mouth. Several other teeth are chipped. You fall to the ground, bleeding from the mouth profusely. What do you do? A) Grab the hammer from him and put it back in your mouth to prove a point. B) Grab him and bleed on his shirt. C) Ask him the call for an ambulance. D) Go for a high-five. A) Grab the hammer from him and put it back in your mouth to prove a point. You slowly rise to your feet. You look him in the face. He has a very smug look on his face. That...That cable...*****. "You son of a *****!" you exclaim at him. You immediately knee him in the groin, and as he topples over, you grab the hammer and force it back into your mouth. You sense gagging coming, as this was about the time when it came last time. You put your hands on your hips and stand over him to make him feel inferior. The cable repairman is nursing his injured testicles. What do you do? A) Kick him. B) Take the hammer out of your mouth and beat him with it. C) Try to beat him with the hammer while its still in your mouth. D) Nurse his testicles with him. D) Nurse his testicles with him. You conclude that ball-hitting is low. Men should never go after another's bag place. You begin to feel bad and crouch next to the cable repairman. You reach out with your right hand and stroke him some. "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!?" he yells at you. "Mmmmhhhfffphhmmrrrrrr!" you yell back.

Clearly wounded by your harsh words, he stands up and yanks the hammer out again. He's making for the door. What do you do? A) Throw yourself in the doorway and block his exit. B) Find something to throw at him. C) Call a different repairman. D) Clean your place. A) Throw yourself in the doorway and block his exit. The cable repairman cannot leave. You're not done with him. The cable repairman raises the hammer as if he is going to hit you with it. You've spent enough time with him, however, to know that this man is a total coward, and would nevThe hammer catches you in the jaw. You fall to the ground, bleeding from the mouth again. He steps over you and begins to walk to his van. You call after him. "Hey! I'm...You...Get back here! You....SUCK!" Remarkably, he is unphased, and keeps walking to his truck. What do you do? A) Wait until he gets in the driver's seat, then sneak into the back of the truck. B) Sit there and keep losing C) Go to a hospital. D) Go to your neighbor's house. A) Wait until he gets in the driver's seat, then sneak into the back of the truck. You hear the driver's side door slam, and get up and run towards the van. The fight doesn't end here. You go to the back of the van and jump up on the bumper. You try to open the door, but it's locked. By this time, the cable repairman has the van up and running, and the van takes off, with you clinging to the back. You're holding on desperately to the door handle, when you spot those metal bars used to keep luggage tied down on the top of the van. You grip those poorly described bars with all your might. Your heart sinks as he turns onto the highway. What do you do? A) Hold on for dear life. B) Jump off the back and hit the pavement. C) Wait until there's a car close behind and jump onto it. D) Try to climb on top of the van and then into the passenger seat. D) Try to climb on top of the van and then into the passenger seat.

Your hands are sweaty and you feel yourself beginning to slip. So is all this for nothing? The asstouching, the winking, the loss of most of your teeth, your broken jaw, and very dangerous attempt to follow this guy? No. You're going to win. You tighten your grip on the metal bars, and make a leap upwards, attempt to fling yourself on top of the van. Unfortunately, since you were on the back of the van, you didn't have time to see that traffic came to a standstill at this point thanks to an accident. Inertia carries you forward several feet further than where you want to be. You land on the windshield, which immediately breaks. You have a horrible pain in your back, but you're somewhat successfully in the passenger seat. You look at the cable repairman. He looks angry. What do you do? A) Attack. B) Make a bad joke. C) Wink. D) Tell him that he took your hammer and neglected to give it back, even though you are fully aware that that is his hammer. C) Wink. The cable repairman is simply stunned at your sudden appearance that seemingly came out of nowhere. He has no words. He just sits there motionless, with glass shards all over his lap. You wink at him. He screams, "AAAAAAAHHHH!!!". He reaches for his hammer. He's going to kill you. You suddenly realize that you have made this man go completely insane. You have driven him to a mental breakdown. Victory. What do you do? A) Bask in victory. B) Fight him for the hammer. C) Eat a glass shard. D) Satisfied with your win, exit the van and begin to walk home. C) Eat a glass shard. B) Fight him for the hammer. D) Satisfied with your win, exit the van and begin to walk home. This cable repairman is going berserk. You try to calm him with a finger to the lips and a gentle touch to his hand. It seems to be working. You reach over a grab a glass chard out of his lap and stick your tongue out. You put the shard on your tongue and slowly bring it into your mouth. You force the shard to the back of your mouth, since all of your front teeth are gone. Chewing the shard is one of the most painful things you've ever done in your life, but you'll never tell. Once the bits become small enough, you swallow the shard bits. The cable repairman

is staring at you with wide eyes and his mouth open. You hate when eyes are wide. There's a lot of blood in your mouth, and you still want his hammer. Quickly, you spit blood in his wide eyes, and make a grab for the hammer. You get it easily, since the cable repairman is clutching his face. Now with the hammer in hand and the cable repairman completely broken, you begin to hit the horn with the hammer to rub it in. The cable repairman is weeping into his hands. He's crying out your blood. That makes you happy. You're a sick bastard and you love it. You open the door and climb out. You begin to walk through the line of cars that has piled up behind the van, with the hammer in hand. What do you do? A) Hijack a car at hammerpoint. B) You know what? Victory's not enough for you. Time for celebration. Go back to the van, climb on top of it and sing "Call on Me" by Eric Prydz. C) Find a way home. D) Sit down and take off your shoes. B) You know what? Victory's not enough for you. Time for celebration. Go back to the van, climb on top of it and sing "Call on Me" by Eric Prydz. Feeling inspired, you run back to the van and climb on top using those bars. Time for your celebration dance, and since you have a strange passion for slightly gay techno, you begin belting out "Call On Me" by Eric Prydz. You break out your best dance moves whilst singing. You pretend you're a sprinkler. You do the Shopping Cart. You do a handstand. You rip off your shirt and rub it between your legs like you do when you get out of the shower and are trying to dry your underpass. The sweat is pouring off your body. The other drivers are honking at you and making catcalls. You love it. The world is yours. Suddenly you slip on the pool of sweat that has developed on the roof of the van. You begin to fall, your knee smashes against one of the bars and bursts open. Your face smacks against the side of the van and you hit the ground hard, landing on your neck. Excrutiating pain. The other drivers are now laughing at you. What do you do? A) Re-enter the van to avoid embarassment. B) Find a way to make the drivers stop laughing. C) Try to get back on top of the van. D) Smash the nearest laughing driver with the hammer. E) Do nothing. Decide to be unconscious. D) Smash the nearest laughing driver with the hammer. Oh no. As you lie there on the ground, you realize that your fall has horrible ramnifications. Instead of being in a competition with the cable repairman, you're now in a competition with everyone who saw you fall. You're not even sure what you're competing for, or what the benefits are, but you know that you're losing right now.

There's no way you can cause about 50 drivers to have mental breakdowns. What you have to do is make an example of one of them. You look angrily at the nearest driver. His car is green. Green was the color of the sock your father filled with nails and beat you with. You hate the color green. And now you hate this driver. You approach his car and smash in the window with your hammer. "What the hell? What the **** do you think you're doing?" "Come with me", you say, quite hatefully. "Why don't you tell me what the hell is going on!" Whatever. He's going to be difficult. You grab the collar of his shirt and drag him through the window, despite his screaming. You noticed he screams like a wussy. Ironically, you also hate wussies. You're a very hateful person. You drag him on top of his car and begin yelling at the top of your lungs, "DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU INSULT YOUR SUPERIOR?" The man you're holding is now trembling. You begin to bash his head in with the hammer. Blood and brain is flying everywhere. The gasps and screams of other drivers alert you of your victory. What do you do? A) You won. Now get the **** outta there. B) Take the driver's car and pretend nothing happened. C) There could be cops on the way. Hide inside your victim. D) Throw his bones at other cars. C) There could be cops on the way. Hide inside your victim. You just murdered an innocent man in front of about fifty people. How in the hell did you not see negative repercussions from this? At least one of them has to have a cell phone. No doubt if they did they've called 911 already. The important thing to do is to stay calm. We all know that's not your strong point. You've got to hide, but this is an open highway, where is there to hide? You've smashed your victim's head to a pulp, so you begin to rip away the loose tendons and muscles. You finally have a hole in this guy's neck. It's not perfect, but it'll do. You shove your arms into the corpse, and then your head. You're still on top of the car, so naturally you lose your balance and fall off. No one dares to laugh. That makes you happy. Alternatively, the fact that you are now stuck inside this man does not make you happy. It makes you upset. You look like some crazy two torso, no head man. What do you do? A) It's dark in here. Luckily there are matches in your pocket. B) Roam the streets as The Two Torso No Head Bandit. C) Yell for help. D) Eat your way free. B) Roam the streets as The Two Torso No Head Bandit.

You decide that this is the perfect time to make a name for yourself. You can become a bandit, like you've always dreamed, with no one knowing your secret identity. The only way to find out who you are is to pull this guy's body off of you- and he's on pretty tight. You feel around for something sharp. You can't be a bandit without vision. You feel around in your victim's pockets and find a pocket knife. You wonder why he didn't use it while you were hammering him to death. You suppose it doesn't matter. You cut a hole in the victim just big enough to see out of, but small enough to people won't be able to tell who you are. You begin to run through the piled up cars to your freedom. No one stops you. No one dares to stop you. You finally make it off the highway. You decide to go to the center of the city to show off your new attire. What do you do? A) Raid. B) You look like a guy with a corpse on his head. Find a way to control both torsos. C) Make a public threat on the mayor's life. D) Go to Burger King, order, then proceed to make small messes throughout the establishment. D) Go to Burger King, order, then proceed to make small messes throughout the establishment. You spot a Burger King and remember how hungry you are. You walk in, and luckily, there's no line. You walk up to the counter, whereupon you receive several strange glances from the employees. "Oh yes, I eat," you tell them. "I want a Whopper." "We're sorry, the Whopper has been discontinued." "That's a load of crap. I've seen that commercial. Oh yes, I can see too *****." "Please lower your voice, sir. Or ma'am. I'm not really sure." Oh, so now Burger King employee is giving you sass. "If I don't have a Whopper in my hand in 5 minutes, I'm going berserk up in this *****." "But Whoppers take seven minutes to cook." "Fine. Eight minutes. I'll give you time to put the condiments on and whatnot." You pay and go find a seat while you wait for your Whopper. Burger King employee sits and stares at you while you wait. You go find a different view out of her line of sight. You look to your right. You look to your left. No one else is here. You take the saltshaker and empty it on the table. You take solace in the fact that Burger King employee is probably going to have to clean it up. You decide to make more messes. You smear ketchup under three different tables, and little the ground with straw wrappers. Nine minutes later, your number is called. What do you do? A) Go berserk up in this *****. B) Apologize for your use of the word "*****" towards the female Burger King employee. That's a negative stereotype. C) Eat your Whopper then go into the playpen. D) Leave pieces of your Whopper throughout the restaurant

C) Eat your Whopper then go into the playpen. You walk up to the counter and give the Burger King employee the nasty eye. It's one minute late, but you've already exacted your revenge. You go to a table, sit down, and indulge in the meat. How could they even pretend to discontinue such a marvelous being? But, now you're full of energy, and you've got nowhere to put it. And then you see it. The playpen. The best one you've ever seen. There are bridges, slides, monkey bars and ball pits. You're so excited that you have to make a trip to the bathroom and pee first. This playpen has filled your bladder. You run out the playpen, your victim's legs bouncing and kicking things on the wall. What to do first? It all just looks so fun. You climb the stairs and go down the slide with great difficulty, since your victim's damn legs are such a burden. Now you're in the ballpit. You scoop up a big pile and throw them up in the air, and several land outside the pit. Burger King employee comes over and says, "Please keep the balls in the pit, sir." You give her evil eyes again and cross your arms. You sit motionless in the ball pit with an angry look on your face until she leaves. Once she turns her back you throw one ball out of the pit. Another victory. Next the monkey bars. However, once your get halfway across, you realize how high up you are. It must be 7 or 8 feet. You hang there on the middle bar. You're freaking out. This is possibly the most scared you've ever been in your life. What do you do? A) Let go and pray for God's mercy. B) Try to get to the other side. C) Yell for help over and over. D) Convince yourself you're not scared. This is your playpen and it's ruler hangs from the monkey bars. Everyone knows that. C) Yell for help over and over. You're going to die unless you get some help. You don't know how long you're arms can hang on for, especially with all the extra weight the corpse brings. You let out a long, "HEEEEEEEEELP!!!". No one comes, so you keep going. "HELP! HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY? ANYONE? HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!" Burger King employee comes and opens the door again. "Sir, please be quiet, you're disturbing the customers." "But I need help! You're concerned with the customers while my life hangs in the balance? You're the devil!" "Sir, don't call me that!? "Devilwoman! She's a devilwoman! DEEEEEEEVIIIII-" "Sir! Be quiet! Come down from there!" "I can't!" "Why not? Just let go." "I'm sure you'd like that wouldn't you, devilwoman? You're not leading me away from purity this time, devilwoman."

"Stop calling me a devilwoman". What do you do? A) Keep calling her a devilwoman, but louder so the rest of the restaurant knows. B) Ask the devilwoman for help. C) Take the devilwoman's advice and let go. D) Struggle. A) Keep calling her a devilwoman, but louder so the rest of the restaurant knows. She's in your head. In your mind and body too. You start to think that maybe you should let go, and even feel your arms begin to slip- but you catch yourself. "DEVILWOMAN! YOU SHALT NOT STEER ME FROM THE LIGHT!!! THERE IS A DEVILWOMAN HERE AMONG US, MEATEATERS! AND SHE SITS IN THE DOORWAY WHILST INVADING THE MINDS OF THE INNOCENT! SHALL WE STAND FOR THIS TREACHERY IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT OF COURAGE AND WISDOM?? I RESPOND IN THE NEGATIVE!! WE SHALT CAST OUT THIS ONE WHO IS AMONG US THAT SPEAKS OF SIN AND OF DEBAUCHERY!! THE DEVILWOMAN STAND BEFORE US IN THE FORM OF A SOCIALLY AWKWARD TEENAGER!!!" She begins pleading, "Sir please! You're going to get me in trouble!" Everyone in the restaurant is staring at either you or her. "You're acting insane!" "AND NOW SHE SPEAKS OF THE IMPORTANCE OF REASON NOW THAT HER MINIMUM WAGE SALARY IS CALLED INTO QUESTION! THE DEVILWOMAN CARES ONLY FOR HERSELF AND HER MONEY! BUT MATERIAL POSSESSIONS MEAN NOTHING TO THE GOOD PEOPLE OF THIS FINE BUILDING! STRIKE DOWN THE DEVILWOMAN! DEEEEEEEVIIIIIILWOMAN!!!!" She turns to run away, but as she does so, she is struck in the face by a tray that has flown across the restaurant. She falls to the ground and others begin crowding around her and beating her with their trays. This act of moral good has given you the strength to climb down from the monkey bars. You stand next to the ball pit. What do you do? A) Find a way down and join in. B) Find a job as a preacher. C) Continue playing. D) Take Burger King employee out to the countryside and burn her alive with the mob. D) Take Burger King employee out to the countryside and burn her alive with the mob. B) Find a job as a preacher. "Quick good people! Let us move the countryside and burn this devilwoman straight back to Hell!" There's a cry of "HUZZAH!" from the customers, as they tie her up and throw her in the back of a pick-up truck. You climb in the back with her, as your double-torsoed body cannot fit inside any automobile anymore. When you arrive to your destination, it seems that some people have called their friends. You have a mob of about 75 angry people ready to burn a devilwoman. You

order a group of men to quickly build a cross to staple her to. You realize that you have complete power over these people. They believe anything you tell them "People who walk in the light! Your double-torsoed commander asks for your attention! After the devilwoman is burned alive, we shall build a church on this very spot and it shall be a place of worship!" One brave man speaks up, "But what are we worshipping?" "HE IS BURNED WITH THE DEVILWOMAN! LET THE DEVILS BURN TOGETHER!" The mob grabs the other man and throw the two against the poorly built cross and light it. They are screams of agony, but you drink them like milk. It leaves a faint mustache on your upper lip. Agony mustaches rock. The devils are now dead and burning. What do you do? A) Find the cable repairman and burn him as well. B) Encourage the others to decapitate people and become double torsoed as well. C) Bathe in the ashes. D) Kill everyone. A) Find the cable repairman and burn him as well. B) Encourage the others to decapitate people and become double torsoed as well. Time to start your reign of terror. The burning of two innocent people didn't count. That was like practice. Now it's game time. That reminds you that the Super Bowl is on Sunday and you still have no TV. It reestablishes your hatred for the cable repairman. You take out the photo you snapped of him when he wasn't looking. You're very sneaky. You hold up the photo for all to see. "This man is our first target! He is the enemy. If he goes on living, anything that we have done here today will all be erased. Well, not counting the deaths, at least". You form a plan with the members of your cult. You have sent ten of them back to their houses to call the cable company that you called. They will each have a cable repairman sent to them. When one of them has the cable repairman arrive at their house, they are to call you on your cell phone. The others are the just go out and slaughter people and stick their heads inside of them. You will reconvene at Burger King in 12 hours. You sit in the back of the pick up truck, since you can't fit inside it. The driver is in the front. You've decided to call him Driver. When you get the call, Driver will take you to the house where cable repairman is. After 3 hours you get a call from Short Haired Blonde Girl. She tells you the cable repairman has arrived at her house. You hang up. "Driver! To Short Haired Blonde Girl's house!" When you arrive, you see his van outside, with the windshield still smashed. You walk in to SHBG's house and cable repairman yells, "Oh my God! What is that on your head?! Who are you?!" You say nothing. You just stare him in the eyes and slowly take out the hammer. Then he knows just who the **** you are.

What do you do? A) Hammer him. B) Wink. C) See if Short Haired Blonde Girl has any explosives and blow up cable repairman's van. D) Cut the first victim's corpse off your head and try to replace it with cable repairman's. B) Wink. You're holding the hammer above your head as if you're about to strike him with it. He has a look of terror and shock on his face. You approve. You wink. You expect him to break down as he did in his van, but it seems you've made a fighter out of him. Cable repairman pulls out a nail gun and yells, "I was ready for you this time, *****". You gasp. You were under the impression that cable repairman was the *****. This turn of events has shaken you to your very core. The only option is to fight to the death to restore your honor. You spin your hammer in your hands. "Then let's do this, you...you...well you're kind of fat." He shoots a nail at you. You knock it out of the air with your hammer. Lucky as ****. You bend over, using the flopping corpse as a shield and charge at him swinging the hammer wildly. The cable repairman knocks the corpse hat aside, causing you to lose your balance. He catches you, and then shoots a nail in your back. "AH ****! SHORT HAIRED BLONDE GIRL COME ****ING HELP ME!" She comes to ****ing help you, when cable repairman shoots her with a nail right between the eyes. She's dead now. What do you do? A) Scream. B) Try to make amends. C) Swing blindly with the hammer. D) Attempt to take off your corpse hat for a better fighting position. A) Scream. C) Swing blindly with the hammer. Well, if you're going down, you're going down fighting. You let out a yell of fury and swing the hammer blindly. You hit the cable repairman in the back and then in the ribcage. He lets out a yelp of pain, and puts another nail in your back. You're already yelling, so you just increase the volume of your yell and the velocity of your hammer. You get another good shot at his ribs and you hear a loud crack. This time there's a really loud yelp from the cable repairman. Just then, Driver bursts into the room and asks, "Now just what the hell is going on?" "Driver! Get over here and help me! Just don't get killed by the nail gun!"

Cable repairman points the nailgun at Driver. "Now you stay where you are! Stay or I'll shoot!" While the gun is off of you, you take a big swing with the hammer and hit the cable repairman in the back of the head. He falls unconscious. You wriggle out of his grasp and stand next to Driver. "Thanks for the save." "No problem. What do we do now? What Driver said. A) Raid the fridge and eat Short Haired Blonde Girl's food on her couch with Driver. B) Bury Short Haired Blonde Girl in her neighbor's yard. C) Burn the house down. D) Play with the nail gun. B) Bury Short Haired Blonde Girl in her neighbor's yard. A) Raid the fridge and eat Short Haired Blonde Girl's food on her couch with Driver. C) Burn the house down. D) Play with the nail gun. "Well Driver, it appears we have two bodies here." "Yep." "You wanna wear the girl on your head?" "Who would drive the truck?" "Ah. That's what I like about you, Driver. You're a thinker." "We could bury them." "We'll bury her. It'll take a big hole to bury the cable repairman." You look out the window and she that her neighbors are not home. "Let's do it in her neighbor's yard," because framing innocent people is always fun. You sicken me. You drag her outside and find two shovels in Short Haired Blonde Girl's shed. You throw her over the small fence and then climb over it with Driver. You two begin to dig a hole, and when it's finally big enough to successfully bury Short Haired Blonde Girl, you turn to Driver and say, "Last chance. You could keep her in the truck and wear her around the house". "Nah, by the time I'd finally get around to it she'll probably have gone back by then". "Really?" "Yeah. These things only last around two days". "So am I gonna have to get another one of these after two days?" "Not unless you cook it". Huh. Noted. You throw her in the hole and refill it. Aren't Short Haired Blonde Girl's Neighbors going to be shocked when they see someone has dug up their yard. You go back the SHBG's house, feeling a bit hungry. It's been awhile since that Whopper, so you raid the fridge. She's got some KFC in there, and it doesn't look too old. You grab the KFC and a couple beers and head to the couch to join Driver. Driver says, "Nice. She's got some beer." "Not for you. You're the driver, Driver". "Damn". You and Driver watch Lethal Weapon 2 on TNT until all the Original Recipe and Popcorn Chicken is gone, then it's back to work. "Alright", you say as you pick up the nail gun. "Time to get back to work". "Not yet", Driver says. "We have to burn the house down first". "But why?" "Because the cable repairman might still be alive. Plus, we've sat on her couch. People close to her are going to know that those aren't her assprints".

His logic was undeniable. You make a trip back to the shed and find some gas for the lawnmower. You pour it all over the house and on cable repairman. You find some liter fluid for the grill. You pour that on the outside of the house. You strike a match and throw it on cable repairman and watch him ignite. Judging by his screams, he was probably still alive. Good call, Driver. You run outside and watch the house burn with Driver. Now you've got a nail gun and a hammer. You turn and see cable repairman's truck. "I bet I can shoot out his left rear tire with this". "$20 says you can't". "Oh, that's too steep. I better not". You put down the nail gun. Driver picks it up and shoots it at cable repairman's truck. It sticks into the fuselage. Suddenly a brilliant idea comes to mind. "Let's spell out something dirty!" "Awesome idea!" exclaims Driver. The frame of the house is collapsing while you carry out your funny prank. However, after a few minutes, you run out of room and cable repairman's truck is now proudly carrying the slogan, "I LOVE PEN". What do you do? A) Driver said you should cook these things. Quickly, while the flames are still burning, flop your corpse hat on the flames. B) Wait and then meet up with your group at Burger King. C) You and Driver go cruising for chicks. D) Realize the error of your ways and go to a confessional. A) Driver said you should cook these things. Quickly, while the flames are still burning, flop your corpse hat on the flames. C) You and Driver go cruising for chicks. B) Wait and then meet up with your group at Burger King. As you stare at the van's wonderful new slogan, you feel as if you're forgetting something. One of your corpse hat's arms dangles in front of your face. You brush it back like a girl brushes back her hair. And then it hits you. You have to cook this thing before it goes bad. You sprint over to the burning building, and flop your corpse hat onto the flames. You hear sizzling and other cooking noises. You roll over to get the other side, because you do things right. Your head and face are extremelt hot, but this is no cause for concern and is natural. Just then you see Driver running over to you with a blanket. "Master! Your corpse hat's clothes are on fire! It's spreading to your half!" "Driver, there are no halves. Me and Corpse Hat are a whole and you will address us as such". "Corpse Hat is on fire!" "Who is on fire?" "You are!" "That's better. You may help me now". Driver drags you out of the flames and beats you with the blanket, and soon the flames are out, but the smell of burning flesh is terrible. "Who's burning flesh do you smell, Driver?" "I smell your burning flesh". "You learn fast. Let's go pick up some ladies before we have to go back to Burger King".

You ride in the bed of Driver's pick-up. You spot some fine honeys walking down the street and you give them your finest line, "Hey baby. How'd you like to come over here fornicate without the risk of pregnancy?" Because you know the honeys like casual sex. One of the honeys actually vomits on the side of the road because of your appearance. You look in one of the side mirrors, and see that Corpse Hat's clothes have burned off, leaving a black smelly thing on your head with barely distinguishable arms and legs. You look fantastic. Driver tries his luck. He pulls up to some fine sugars. He asks them, "You ladies like to party?" They respond, "Maybe". So they're going to play those games. Driver's in trouble. You better help him out. You pop up and ask, "Well do you know anybody who likes casual sex?" Then you wink. Both the sugars vomit. Driver puts the car in drive and takes off. "What're you doing, man? We almost had them?" You're pissed. "Yeah. I'm just not into girls puking on me". What? You thought everyone was into that. Nevertheless, you pull into Burger King a little while later, and spot your group inside. Only a handful of them have corpse hats, and they're mediocre at best. Some of them have corpses, but can't seem to figure out how to put them on. You walk in with Driver, take out Corpse Hat's pocket knife, and stab it into the table, then say, "Now this is how the **** it's going down". How the **** is it going down? A) Trash the city. B) Order Whoppers for everyone. C) Kill everyone in the room. The lack of corpse hats is disturbing. D) Orgy. D) Orgy. You look around the room with determination on your face. "We are going to have an orgy". Everyone seems to be surprised by this statement, and even Driver gives you a strange glance. Nobody moves to begin the orgy. You figure since you're the leader, you should start it. "So, who's first?" Nobody moves. "Who wants to please their leader?" Not Obese But Still Quite Overweight Office Worker slowly raises his hand. "I'm sorry Not Obese But Still Quite Overweight Office Worker, this task needs to be fulfilled by a woman". NOBSQOOW puts on a frown and lowers his hand. You begin to get angry. "Ladies! It's time to sex me up!" Driver pulls you aside. "Boss, I think the ladies aren't feeling the whole horrible grotesque burned corpse on your head. Plus the whole stench is kind of distracting". "I see. Male Burger King Manager, can we get some of those King masks the kids wear at birthday parties?" "I don't think that's going to help. They'll still clearly be able to tell its you". "Fine. I'll have to volunteer someone myself. Hottest Chick in the Group! Come here!" Hottest Chick in the group slowly strides to the front. You look at her and say, "It's sexin' time". She shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry, but I just can't do this". She walks out of the establishment.

You stand on a table. "If anyone else feels the way she does, then they can leave right now. Public intercourse is a part of this group, and anyone else who can't do that can leave as well!" After a few minutes, only you, Driver, and NOBSQOOW remain in Burger King. What do you do? A) They deserted you. Hunt everyone down and kill them. B) Order food and wear the King masks for fun. C) You need sex. Find a female to have sex with. D) You, Driver, and NOBSQOOW go streaking. A) They deserted you. Hunt everyone down and kill them. You, Driver, and Not Obese But Still Quite Overweight Office Worker are sitting in silence at a booth. You've already decided that you're going to kill everyone that left you, but NOBSQOOW is just fat enough to have the table dig into his stomach, and you want him to get as big a rash as possible before you have to leave. Driver seems to know you're doing this and gives you a small smile. You say, "Well, they've all abandoned us". Driver responds, "To be quite honest, I didn't really want to have public sex either. I just stuck around when it became apparent that nobody else would". "I'm not sure how to respond to that". Driver opens his mouth as if to speak, and then closes it again. "Well, I've come to a decision. Their leaving of the Lawn Knights of Jericho is going to be considered mutiny. And I know how to deal with mutants. Kill them all." "When did we become the Lawn Knights of Jericho? What does that even mean?" "You know Driver, there was a time where I would have had you burned for that, but I'll just be honest with you. I just made the name up now". "I didn't say I didn't like it. It just caught me off guard. Now how do you plan to kill everyone who left?" "Well, you own a pick-up truck. So I'm assuming you have a large amount of firepower and bulletproof vests in a duffel bag in your truck for when the Union Army decides it's going to renew a 150 year-old conflict". "We don't even live in the South, but yes. I do". You smile. Driver speaks up again, "But how do you find everyone who left?" Not Obese But Still Quite Overweight Office Worker decides to join in. "I can help with that. You see, you guys were about an hour late to the meeting, so while I waited, I went around with my camera and got everybody's name and took a picture with them. I also had time to take out the phonebook I carry with me at all times and noticed that they were all listed". You raise an eyebrow. "You mind if I rename you to Lonely Guy? It just seems more direct than the other name". "Sure! Does this mean I'm accepted?" "You were already accepted, now let's go you crazy bastard". You, Driver, and Lonely Guy head out to Driver's truck and put on bulletproof vests, and even bulletproof leg armor. As for weaponry, Driver has six M240s. One for each hand of each person. You also each have a .22 caliber pistol in its holster.

"You know what, Driver? I feel like we could actually defeat the Union army with this firepower". "Yeah, especially since their armor is still considered primitive and their guns are still from the 1860s. They probably jam and misfire a lot too". "Driver, you do know there are no living members of the Union Army, right?" "Are you sure about that? Are you REALLY sure?" You quickly change the subject. "So, who will be our first target?" Lonely Guy takes out a picture. "This guy was very rude ro me. I don't like him very much. Let's kill him first!" Lonely Guy is actually gnashing his teeth. "Well...Well alright Lonely Guy. We'll kill him first. Where does he live?" You go to Rude Guy's house and see a car in the driveway. You get out of the truck and walk up to the door. You look at your companions. "Hmm. I hadn't planned this far ahead. What do we do when we're about to kill someone? Do we just knock and kill him when he answers? Or do we bust in the door all gung-ho style?" Lonely Guy answers, "Wel I usually check out the window to see who's outside first before I open the door. Actually, I'm expecting this exact thing to happen". "Alright, so we should break this door down". You pick your foot up and kick the door with all your might. You fly backwards and land on your back. You struggle to get up due to your corpse hat throwing off your balance. Driver kneels next to you. "I think it's time to take off the corpse hat". "But, Driver, I cant. It's a symbol of who I am now. It's...it's like my child". "Well most people don't wear their children on their head". "Well, I can't do it". "Every parent has to let their child go at some point. Either when they go off to college, or move out on their own, or get married". You feel the tears in your eyes. "Alright. I guess I knew this time would come eventually". Driver grabs your legs, and Lonely Guy grabs your corpse hat's legs. They both start trying to pull a corpse off your head on Rude Guy's lawn. The corpse hat eventually comes off with a smooth pop, and Lonely Guy puts him in a bush so you don't have to look at him anymore. You then run at the door, screaming, and jump into it. The door shatters and you fall inside. You, Driver, and Lonely Guy split up when in the house. You go upstairs and begin to hear moaning sounds from the bedroom. You dive into that door too, and crash it down. You lie in pain in the debris and hear screams, most of them feminine. You look up and see that Rude Guy and Hottest Chick in the Group were having intercourse before your arrival. "So...you can have sex with eachother in private, and but you can't have sex with me in public". "We're married!" "I'M SURE YOU ARE!" You open fire and kill both of them. "Two down...Lonely Guy! How many more to go?" From downstairs you hear, "Sixty-five!" "Sixty-five to go". You, Driver, and Lonely Guy have spent the whole night finding your group members and killing them. Things have gone quite smoothly, since you don't stop at each house long enough for the neighbors to get enough info on you. When the police arrive at your previous victim's house, you're already gone. And since you have no real system of killing these people, it's impossible for the police to predict your next victim.

However, the last four houses you've been to have been empty. You still have 10 people to kill. It seems they've heard about the deaths of the others and have gone and hid somewhere. "Who's our next target, Lonely Guy?" "Julie Jeremies, it seems". "Who is that? Was she even in the Lawn Knights of Jericho?" "Cute Chick Who Doesn't Succeed in Relationships Because She Has Too Many Cats". "Oh. Yeah, I remember her". Just then you get a call on your cell phone. You answer it. "Hello?" "Hello Former Master". "You better watch out talking like that". "We know you're killing everyone who left. And we all got together and we're telling you to bring it on. If you're not too chicken". "And who is this?" "This is Daniel". "Well Daniel, just tell me where you are, and we'll come kick your ass". "We're at the intersection of Crescent and Plainview". "Right in the center of town? Alright, let's make some fireworks". You hang up. "Who the **** is Daniel? Was he even in our group?" "Scrawny Tool". "What? That was Scrawny Tool? How was he not killed off earlier?" As you're driving to the center of town, Driver has some insight. "You know this is a trap, right?" "Well I saw some grenades in the back. I figured we could use them if it is". "There's some sticky grenades back there too". You turn the corner onto Plainview, and see that there is no traffic at all. That's rare, considering you live in a pretty populous city. It could just be the time of night- Oh, there's a roadblock of cop cars up ahead. It's a trap. ****. Those aren't cruisers. Those are the cop SUVs. "Looks like we're going to need those grenades". You and Driver each take one, and speed towards the roadblock. Once you're in throwing range, you pull the pin and throw as far as you can. The SUVs appear to try to move, before the grenade goes off and absolutely obliterates the roadblock. A piece of a door flies through the windshield and narrowly misses killing you. You better start paying more attention or you're going to get us killed. Ass. You see more cars come around the corner and a helicopter flies overhead. Driver stops the car and gets out, grabbing a sticky grenade. You and Lonely Guy get out and open fire on the cars. They're all swervin' to avoid the bullets and whatnot. The helicopter is coming back, with guys hanging out firing at you. Driver pulls the pin and tags it with a sticky grenade. The helicopter explodes and crashes into a nearby building, completely leveling it. Shards of building fly past you, and the gaping hole in the building reveals the last ten survivors. You look at Driver and Lonely Guy and tell them, "Keep those bullets off me! I'm gonna go get me what's mine!" Driver and Lonely Guy shoot at the cruisers coming towards your parked pickup truck. They shoot at the cruisers, and one of them blows out a tire of one of the cruisers, sending it into a number of the others. The cruisers roll over and fire erupts from under the instigator's hood.

You walk towards the remaining survivors. You put on your angry scowl and try to think of something epic to say. You run through a number of things, but finally decide on something. The survivors sit cowering in the building, too scared to try to run. You finally step through the gaping hole in the building, but as you do so, a stray bullet hits you in the back. You're wearing a bulletproof vest, but it still hurts like a ***** and scared the **** out of you. "EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!", you scream in a high-pitched voice. The survivors look at you with raised eyebrows. One of them giggles. "No! Don't laugh! I'm fearsome!" You hear a bullet make contact with the building almost right next to your head. "AH!" You run into the building in the thick of the other survivors and hide behind a desk. Scrawny Tool looks at you and asks, "What're you doing?" "Daniel, those are bullets. ****ing bullets coming out of ****ing guns. They'll kill you dead". The survivors seem to no longer be scared. "So are you going to let us live?", one of the braver one asks. You flip through the photos of the surviviors and Lonely Guy and find the speaker. "Well, Lisa, I certainly don't plan on it". Another asks, "So what're you waiting for?" "Well, Isaac, if you must know, I had a speech ready, but getting shot sort of interrupted that. All I want to do is give my epic speech, shoot you, and get out of here". Daniel chimes in. "You'll never get out of here. There are tons of cops on their way and bunch are already out there. Look, your friends are getting captured". "What?!" You peek up from behind the desk and are immediately hit in the face with a brick from the collapsed building. You fall to the ground, bleeding from the face. Clearly a broken nose. The survivors are getting things from around what appears to be the remnants of an office and throwing them at you. You have to kill the survivors fast before they kill you, but you worked so hard on your speech. You stand up and begin, "As I humbly began my-" Isaac immediately came behind you and smashed the back of your head with a fire extinguisher. You drop to the ground and the survivors are on you. They rip your guns away and throw them outside. The survivors rip off you protection and begin kicking you in the head and body. You scream loudly to try too alert Driver and Lonely Guy to come and help you, but it appears Daniel was right. They've been arrested. All is lost you think as one of Lisa's very powerful feet connects with your face, sending you into unconsciousness. You wake up days later, after apparently being in a coma. You're in a full body cast. A man in a suit comes in. "Hello. I'm your government assigned lawyer. If you're wondering about your lack of mobility, you should know that the survivors kicked you, jumped on you, and beat you with things until they broke almost every bone in your body". "Oh". "Well, your court date is in a few weeks". You immediately blurt out, "I'm insane. Let's work with that". The lawyer disagrees. "Mmm, I don't think so. There's really no hope in winning this case, so I'm going to do what's best for all at this point". He grabs a pillow from another board and comes towards you holding it with both hands. "Hey! What're you doing? Hey!" The lawyer put the pillow over your face and presses down. You try to stop him but you can't move. You begin to feel light-headed. Lawyers suck. By assaultedmuffin http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/genmessage.php?board=586631&topic=48372668