You Are An Offduty Gamefaqs Moderator Cyoa

You are an offduty GameFAQs moderator CYOA By assaultedmuffin Note: This isn't based off any specific moderator or administrator. I'm not trying to get myself banned here. You are a moderator for GameFaqs.com. You need to spend quite a lot of time on GameFaqs to keep your moderator status. However, since you've been putting in extra time on more than your designated boards, SBAllen has given you a week off. You don't have to do anything even remotely related with those filth ridden sinners called posters. You finish sending someone to purgatory for an improperly censored cuss word and turn off your computer. You look around. You're free for a week. What do you do? A) Book a vacation to a Caribbean isle. B) Go to your real job. C) Develop a God complex and attempt to moderate real life. D) Hit the clubs. C) Develop a God complex and attempt to moderate real life. You find yourself bored with life away from GameFaqs. At least those sinners kept you occupied. You begin to compare yourself to Jesus in your mind. You both tried to stop sinning. You both think sandals are kickass. It's like you are the Jesus of GameFaqs. But why should that stop at GameFaqs? Why can't you stop unacceptable behavior everywhere? You walk outside your house and drive to the local McDonalds. Outside the restaurant, you hear a teenager exclaim to his friends, "****! I hate pickles." This is a serious offense. You walk up and confront the teenager, "Excuse me. I'm going to have to issue you a warning for that censor bypass. From now on, the accepted term is BEEP." "What the **** are you talking about?" He has contested his moderation with another censor bypass. Ordinarily, this would be grounds for suspension, but how do you suspend someone from real life? You're perplexed. What do you do? A) You decide that suspension would be kidnapping the teenager and keeping him in your basement until the suspension is over. B) You decide that suspension is taking the teenager's phone. Teens are nothing without their cell phones. C) Let it slide, but issue another warning. D) Ignore this and order. A) You decide that suspension would be kidnapping the teenager and keeping him in your basement until the suspension is over. The teenager adn his friends begin looking at eachother, and you believe that they are about to gang up on you and attack. That would be disruptive living, and would result in a loss of three karma. You quickly pull out your wallet. "Ok. If you come with me, I will give you $20 dollars."

"What? Do you think I'm some kind of underage whore?" "Certainly not. Underage users are not tolerated." "This guy is messed up. Let's get him, boys." The teenagers begin to walk towards you and admittedly you don't have very much fighting experience. You need to make an example out of the weakest one, to scare the others away. Luckily, the weakest one appears to be the offending teenager. You charge at him, screaming like Hell's bells and dropkick him in the chest. He flies back and lands on the pavement with a nasty thud, immediatlely unconscious. Wasting no time, you rise up and punch the nearest teenager full in the face. He stumbles and falls on top of a nearby parked vehicle. The two others, at this point begin to back off. The punched teenager steadies himself and backs off as well. They begin to run away, and try to scoop up their friend, until you yell, "Leave him! He is coming with me!" They look at eachother, scared out of their wits, and leave him. You scoop up the offender and tie him up with duct tape in the backseat of your car. He's got some pretty severe head bleeding. You get in the driver's seat and go back to your house. You sling the teenager over your shoulder, and carry him into the house. You go down into your basement, and throw him down on the hard concrete. What do you do? A) This kid is bleeding pretty bad. Take him to the hospital. B) You forgot to order. Go back and get your food. C) Look for more Terms of Life breakers. D) Go to a hotel for the night, just in case the police were called or you were followed. B) You forgot to order. Go back and get your food. In all of the commotion, you forgot what you initially went to McDonalds for. You're BEEPing hungry. You get back in your car and decide to take the drive-thru this time, considering what happened last time. Suspensions could get you into some rather hefty legal trouble, but it has to be done. You drive up and order a Number 1, your standard Big Mac meal, but with an extra Big Mac to satisfy the extra hunger. You come around to the window, and hand the female employee your currency. She eyes you suspiciously. "Didn't I see you shoving a minor into the backseat of your car?" "Well do you see anyone in the backseat?" "No." "Well then. It seems I'm innocent." "Here's your food." She hatefully hands you the bag and beverage. And then she spots the bloodstains in the backseat. "Hey! Hey! There's blood back there! I'm calling the police!" She runs off. You try to calm her through the window, but you can't think of a believable story. "No! No! No! That's not blood! It's my blood! I bleed all the time! Oh BEEP!" You step on the gas and peel out of the parking lot. What do you do? A) Go back to your house and lay low for awhile. B) Keep your foot on the gas pedal. It's nothing but you and the road. C) Break out your laptop, and proceed to eat, talk on your cell phone, and surf the internet while

driving. You can't see any negative consequences. D) Ditch your car. They probably have your plate numbers. C) Break out your laptop, and proceed to eat, talk on your cell phone, and surf the internet while driving. You can't see any negative consequences. Suddenly, you remember there are some very urgent things you need to do. You told your friend Horace that you would help him move into his new apartment today, and you're very late. You should call him. Also, you forgot to register for a spinning class at the local gym online, and you need to stay fit. And on top of that, you're still hungry. You grab your laptop out of the backseat at a red light and boot it up. You then put on your bluetooth headset and call Horace while shoveling your face with food. The light turns green and you speed off. "Hey Horace! I'm sorry I'm late man! I don't know if I- Oh! Oh! Holy...Mother of-!" Horace is concerned. "Dude, are you alright? I hear horns." "Yeah. I just spilled my drink. Oh, son of a gun, they want my social security number." "What?" "The damn gym membership." You fidget around in your seat to get your wallet out of your back pocket, accidentally pressing down on the pedal, causing a speed increase. You hear a very loud horn and see you're on the wrong side of the road, heading for an 18-wheeler. You quickly swerve back onto your side, hitting the car next to you, sending them into the guard rail. Luckily, you're completely oblivious to the situation. Horace is panicking, "Dude! Don't even worry about coming over! What the **** is going on with you?" You sigh. "Oh, Horace. I thought you were one of the good ones." "WHAT THE **** ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" You hang up the phone and go back to your computer, not noticing that you've just got on the highway. You finish entering your information, and eating your Big Mac, and put your things away. What do you do? A) Horace violated the Terms of Life. Suspend him. B) Let Horace off with a warning, and help him move. C) Get back home and check on your prisoner. D) Find someone to take care of Horace. You can't do it alone. D) Find someone to take care of Horace. You can't do it alone. Horace has clearly broken the rules. These sacred rules aren't there so people can do as they please, they're there to be followed. However, you have your full hands full with kidnapping, child abuse, and possibly eluding the police. In fact, indigestion can be added to that list. You should never have more than one Big Mac, but you always do. You're wild, like a stallion, but whatever. There are more urgent matters at hand. You have to call someone to take care of Horace, and there is only one person for the job. It's risky, but you have no choice. You take out your cell phone and dial. He answers. "Hello?" "Hey. It's me." You're not incredibly sure why you said "me", for that's generally reserved for people who are familiar enough with eachother that they recognize eachother's voice, and you have never spoken with this person before, but its a number all moderators should have. At least the good ones. "Who?"

"I'm a moderator." "Oh, you're still playin' by their rules?" "Yes, and I need your help with a violation." "I don't do that anymore. I don't even have a computer anymore." "This is real life." "What do you mean?" "I've taken the Terms of Use to the real world." The stranger seems interested. "I'm interested." "I need you to take care of someone for me." You give the stranger Horace's location and take the next exit off the highway. After about an hour, you turn onto your street and there are no police cruisers in front of your house. You pull into your driveway, get out of your car, and see that the paint job on the side of your car is all scratched up and damaged. "How the hell did that happen?" You walk into your house. What do you do? A) Call the stranger to see how things went with Horace. B) Beat the teenager without mercy. C) Print out a copy of the ToS and tell the teenager his suspension is over when he memorizes it. D) Tell the teenager to memorize the ToS, and beat him without mercy every time he does not correctly answer one of your questions. A) Call the stranger to see how things went with Horace. D) Tell the teenager to memorize the ToS, and beat him without mercy every time he does not correctly answer one of your questions. You're eager to know how the stranger made out with Horace. In your head, that sentence sounded less dirty. You call up the stranger. "Hello?", the voice said. "Hey. It's me." You can say it now that the two of you have talked before. "Who?" Dammit. "I'm a moderator." "Is this the same moderator I talked to before? I get calls from a lot of moderators." "Well, which moderator is the one you talked to before?" "The one...ah...The one with the problem." You shake your head. "Nah, too vague. Need to be more specific." "Ah...Sheesh. Your name Rick?" "No." "Alright. We can rule Rick out." "I'm the one that sent you across the city to take of my friend Horace for violating the ToS in real life." "Oh! That one! We should really have codenames." "I agree completely. I'll be Cat Lover." "Cat Lover? That doesn't work." "What do you mean? Cat Lover is perfect. Cats are my favorite animal." "Yeah, but your codename makes you sound either like a chick or a pervert." "Fine. How about Cat Shadow?" "Let's try something without 'Cat' in the name." "I don't like this." "Well deal with it." "Ah...I don't...R-Red...Celery. Red Celery." "I'll allow it."

"Ok. What's your codename?" "I'll be CJayC." Your mouth drops. "Are you the CJayC?" "We can talk about that later." "Ok. How did things go with Horace?" "Good. He's all moved in. The couch was kind of heavy and I knicked myself on a table corner, but it's alright." "What? You were supposed to take care of him." "I thought you meant help him move in. Are we actually moderating real life now?" "Yes!" The creator of GameFaqs cannot possibly be so dim. "It's about time. I just wanted to make sure you were serious before I did anything. That's the real reason I left GameFaqs. They weren't radical enough." "I understand. I'm off-duty right now because they make me so angry." It's a lie, but it will make you seem more cool in front of CJayC. "What do you want done with him?" "Tell him I'm having a party and bring him to my place." "Got it, Red Celery." With Horace on the way, it's time to take care of the teenager. You log onto GameFaqs and print out a copy of the ToS. You go down to the basement and find that he is conscious, and struggling. He sees you and struggles harder. You throw the stack of papers at him. "Read it and memorize it. When you have it memorized, you can leave." The teenager's eyes widen. He quickly begins reading. "I'll be back in an hour." An hour passes and you return to the basement and reach for his mouth, ready to take off the tape. "If you scream, things will go very unpleasantly for you. Understand?" He nods. You rip off the tape. "I'll start easy. How old do you have to be to register for GameFaqs?" "Thirteen." "Very good. And when were the Terms of Service last updated?" "Ah..." "Oh come on. It was the first thing on the page. Did you just skip over the first part and go straight to the Terms?" "Ah...ah...in November?" You sigh, roll up your sleeves, and approach. He begins to freak out. "What are you doing? Get away from me! Stay away! NOOOOO!" The back of your hand connects with his jaw. "I believe I said no screaming. Now it'll be twice as bad." After a good five minutes of backhands and face punching, you move onto the ribcage with kicks and punches. Then you sit on him and bounce on him. You're not overweight, you just think it's fun. If it hurts him, then it's a plus. You get up. "I'll be back in the morning with food. We'll try this again tomorrow night", you say to the bloody mess. What do you do? A) Wait for CJayC to arrive with Horace. B) You were just kidding with the kid. You're actually going to punch some more now, not tomorrow. C) Prepare snacks for your guests. You want to be a good host. D) Put on a suit. Why the hell not? C) Prepare snacks for your guests. You want to be a good host. You estimate that CJayC and Horace will arrive in about a half an hour. This gives you some

time to make some easy and delicious snacks. You go to the kitchen and can't decide between the tuxedo apron or the hairy chest one. Hairy chest always seems to win. You throw on the apron and turn on your stereo which already has the CD you burned for cooking purposes in it. Neil Diamond's "Delirious Love" begins to fill your kitchen. You turn it up louder, hopefully making it harder for the young man in your basement to concentrate. First, you preheat the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit. The first thing you're going to make is those little weenies wrapped in crescent rolls. As you're rolling up your weiners, that funky songman Billy Joel sings "Only the Good Die Young" to your eager ears. You pop the weiners in the oven and set the timer. You take out a cookie sheet from your cabinet and spread tortilla chips on it. Then you head to your fridge and grab your monterey jack cheese. You've tried many other cheeses for your nachos, but you've always found that monterey jack has tasted the best. You grate the cheese yourself; whenever you buy the pre-shredded kind you find that it lacks the quality that the self-grated brings. The weiners are done. You take them out and spread the cheese on the chips as that classic tune "American Pie" by Don McLean plays. While the cheese melts, you assemble the weiners into a fun pattern on your platter. As you're taking the nachos out of the oven, the doorbell rings. You open the door and see Horace and CJayC standing there. Horace gives you a strange look. "Nice apron." "It's simply the best. Come on in." As Horace walks in, he asks, "Isn't there supposed to be a party here?" "My dear Horace, we have bigger problems we need to talk about." What do you do? A) Punish him accordingly for his violation. B) Serve your guests the snacks you slaved over. You're eager for their opinion. C) Ask them to take their shoes off. You just vacuumed a couple of days ago. D) Get their opinions on your curtains. The salesman thought they were perfect, but you're not so sure. A) Punish him accordingly for his violation. Horace looks at you quizzically. "Like what?" "Well, when we were on the phone earlier, you used a rather offensive word." "What? ****?" You are taken aback by the continuation of his language even in this fearsome environment you have established. Usually, your floral pattern curtains, wonderful smelling snacks, classical rock, and hairy chest apron are enough to get even the toughest of men to crack. Horace begins looking around. "Did you make snacks for the party? I smell snacks." "There is no munching in your future, Horace. Only studying." "What do you mean?" "You have used a word that is forbidden by the Terms of Service." CJayC interrupts, "Excuse me. I thought I changed those to the Terms of Use before I left." "You did, but some of us prefer the other phrase. Makes us feel retro." "...I'll allow it. Continue." Horace has had enough. "This is getting weird. I'm outta here." "YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!" CJayC has become incredibly angry, seemingly out of nowhere. "What the **** is going on?!" "That's it! Time to ban you ass!" CJayC charges at Horace and tackles him to the ground. Horace

tries to scramble away, but CJayC jumps on his back, taking him to the floor again. Horace is lying on his stomach, with CJayC sitting on his back. Horace is screaming for help. CJayC grabs his head, and with one quick turn, breaks his neck. Horace lies on the ground, dead. You're in shock. You never expected that CJayC was capable of such violence. What do you do? A) Commerate CJayC on a job well done. You were about to do it anyway. B) Commerate CJayC, but only out of fear for your own life. There's a murderer in your house. C) Distract CJayC with snacks while you call the police. D) Tell CJayC that you accept this action, but make a cynical criticism of him every once in a while to show him that you're not. A) Commerate CJayC on a job well done. You were about to do it anyway. You walk over to CJayC and put a hand on his shoulder. "Good work, Robin. I was about to do that myself, but you beat me to it. You're coming along nicely." If CJayC could shoot fireballs out of his eyes, you and your entire places would be up in flames. "I...I was kidding. J-Just kidding", you stammer. "You're Batman. You're Batman." CJayC stands up and looks around your house. You begin to realize that the creator of GameFaqs is standing in your living room, judging you and everything in your home. "Those curtains suck." Mother funner, you knew those curtains were whack. "Well, what did you have planned next?" "Well, I've got a teenager tied up in the basement memorizing the ToS. When he has them completely memorized, he may leave. Until then, every time he incorrectly answers one of my questions, I savagely beat him." "That's good. Real good." "But I haven't given much thought about what should be done next. Wanna just hang out?" Having CJayC be your best friend would be awesome. You can see it now. The two of you just chillin' out on your couch, drinking a couple of tall cold ones, watching the game. The two of you would be a lady-killing wrecking crew. You'd sex up the ladies all night, every night. You would be inseparable. CJayC puts a quick end to these thoughts. "Just hang out? Do moderators just hang out on Message Board Announcements and wait for moderations to fall into their lap? I don't think so. It's time to patrol." "We could patrol my movie collection, because I've got some great ones." He didn't take the bait. "Let's roll." What do you do? A) Roll. Follow CJayC always. B) Tell him you're going to hang out at your house. Can't let the snacks go to waste. C) Patrol the curtain store. D) Go back to McDonalds. That's where the first offender was, more might follow. C) Patrol the curtain store. You know that you have responsibilities to fill as a moderator, but you also need new curtains. CJayC was right. These floral pattern curtains do not go well with your wall color. You are almost ready to leave, when you remember that there are snacks that haven't been eaten. "Wait!

CJayC come back for a minute!" CJayC pops his head in the door, "What is it now, Red Celery?" "We left these snacks here. We don't want them to go to waste, so I'm packing them neatly into tupperware so you can eat them on the go." You hand him his tupperware. He looks at your chest. "You gonna take off that apron, or are you going to try to pick up men with it?" He walks out and immediately throws his tupperware into your bushes. You shed a single tear. After hanging your apron up neatly, you decide that you and CJayC should go your separate ways for now. "We'll catch more perps that way, know what I'm saying?" "Whatever." CJayC gets into his car and drives off, unaffected. He'll miss you eventually. Just give him time. In the meantime, you drive to the curtain store to pick up new curtains, munching on your nachos while driving. Arriving shortly at "Curtains! Curtains! Curtains!", you angrily storm into the store and demand a salesperson. You get the same salesperson as before, the liar. "Back so soon?" he asks you with a grin on his face. What do you do? A) Give him sass. B) Request a different salesperson. C) Accept his mistake and move on. D) Mod him for disruptive behavior. D) Mod him for disruptive behavior. This guy is the typical salesman. Too happy, too friendly, and will sell you the tiles in the bathroom if he can. He walks over and puts his arm around you. "Ok. Here's what I can do for you. For you, I can give you a special "Curtains! Curtains! Curtains!" card for free. For you, that card is going to significantly reduce the cost of your future "Curtains! Curtains! Curtains!" purchases with just a few forms, some information, and your pretty old signature. This is all for you, but you have something on your shirt." You look down, and his finger comes up and catches you in the nose. "Ha! Just kidding around here! We like to have fun, right? Come on in to the back." He does a little jig and walks toward the back of the store. Holy BEEP. This guy is so dreadfully annoying, you just have to mod him for something. This may be the real life form of a troll. You could bag him for disruptive behavior, as those curtains were pretty disruptive to the feng-shui in your living room. And that finger flick was demeaning, that could be flaming. Oh! Oh! And you could grab him for advertising too. That whole store card thing was a load of BEEP. "Actually, friend, I have another idea. Those curtains I bought recently, I need help getting them up. I figured a curtain expert like yourself could be of great service to my needs." The salesman is a little suspicious, but tries not to break his salesman character. "Well...I guess I could do that for you. I-I-If....If you really need me to." "Fantastic! Let's go!" You pack into the car with the salesman and pull out of the parking lot. The salesman reaches for the radio, but you catch him, "No radio. I ride in silence." The salesman looks around awkwardly, then puts down his window. You put it back up and lock the windows. The salesman is very concerned now.

You reach your house and walk inside, welcoming the salesman in. He spots the curtains and says, "Th-Those curtains are already up." "Yes, they are. And do you think that a yellow floral pattern on a white background are perfect for sky blue walls?" "I-I-I may have made a m-mistake." "One too many." Your right fist connects with his jaw and he drops like a sack of potatoes. You drag him to the middle of the living room and close the front door. He tries to get up, but you tell him, "You're not going anywhere." You grab your coatrack and throw it at him. It catches him in the chest, and he stumbles, but doesn't fall. You use this chance to charge at him and tackle him to the ground. You grab your roll of duct tape off the coffee table and bound his ankles and wrists. "Do those curtains look good?" He remains silent. "Do they?!" Nothing. "Give me an answer!" You slap him across the face. He still says nothing. You backhand him this time. Finally, much to your dismay, he talks. "Oh yes! Hit me harder dammit! YES!" He smiles at you and looks like he wants more. This capture has taken an unexpected turn. What do you do? A) Release him. This is a little weird. B) Call CJayC and ask him what to do. C) Put him in the basement with the teenager. D) Give him more. D) Give him more. B) Call CJayC and ask him what to do. This guy is bouncing in anticipation of your next blow. You hate these bondage types. They're freaks. How is pain arousing? Well you know how you'll handle this situation. You'll beat him so hard that it'll knock the bondage love right out of him. You roll up your sleeves and advance toward him. The salesman is sitting on the ground staring up at you expectantly. You rear back and swing your fist forward with all your might, connecting with his cheekbone. The blow sends his head back with a sickening sound, and he rolls around on the floor. "Yes! The curtains look so damn ugly! I bet that gets you so angry! Hit me dammit! HIT ME!" That last bit began to sound a bit demonic. You look around your house, now getting concerned for reasons you're not entirely sure of. You decide to continue your assault, but in a more cautious manner. You go out into your yard and find a long tree branch and bring it into the house. You stand several feet away from the salesman and poke him with the stick while he screams, "This is not what I want! Come on! Give me what I want! NOW!" You go into the kitchen and grab a frying pan. Slighty more scared than you were a minute ago, you decide to throw the pan from the kitchen. It sails through the air and smashes the salesman in the back of the head. He loses consciousness immediately. You're not entirely sure what to do, since you're not entirely sure what rule he broke. You decide the best course of action would be to call CJayC. "Hello?" "Hey CJayC. I've got a problem." "Who is this?" "It's me! It's Red Celery dammit! Good God!"

"You the guy who tried to give me a container full of snacks? I killed your friend Horace?" "Yes. Yes that is me." You tried to sound annoyed, but you just so happy that he remembered you. "Yeah, I got a guy who dropped an f-bomb. I'll be there in about an hour." "Ok, cool. But in the meantime I nabbed this guy for Disruptive...Living, I guess. I tricked him to coming back to my place, where I punched him in the face and tied him up, but he liked it. He's one of the bondage types." "Ah, ok. So how did you handle it?" "Well, first he asked for more." "Please tell me you didn't give him more." "...I may have." "..." "I punched him with my manly fists until he was unconscious." "..." "Ah..." "You know, by giving him more, you sort of had sex with him." "What? Not true!" "Yeah, it's sorta true." "This...No..." "And you're both men. Glad to know how things swing with you." "B-But...he egged me on!" "Well we can grab him for mod baiting too then. Throw him in the basement with the kid." "Alright." "I can't believe you banged a dude." He hangs up before you have a chance to rebuttal. You pick the salesman up and carry him down the stairs to the basement. The teenager is sleeping. You throw the salesman next to him and throw another copy of the ToS at him. What do you do? A) Punch the teenager in the face. No sleeping. B) Feed the prisoners. You don't want multiple counts of murder yet. C) Wait for CJayC to arrive. D) Buy a parrot then wait for CJayC to arrive. A) Punch the teenager in the face. No sleeping. D) Buy a parrot then wait for CJayC to arrive. You're about to go upstairs, when you realize that something is amiss. No one should be sleeping here, unless it's induced by your fists. However, you fists will also induce awake...ness or something. Let's just say you're going to punch this kid in the face. You punch the kid in the face. He wakes up with a yell. "What the Hell, man?" "Have we memorized the ToS yet?" "N-Not all of it." "Well then why are we sleeping? This isn't a hotel. You can't just do whatever you please." "C'mon man. I'm tired!" "Well I'm tired of listening to your crap!" That was a nice flip. You'll have to pat yourself on the back when you get upstairs. "Just for a few hours! Please!" "I'll please you for a few hours!" That one didn't work so well. Save it by sounding like a badass. You point at the unconscious salesman. "I got you a friend. He's handsy."

That wasn't badass at all. What's wrong with you? It's like being off-duty on GameFaqs has thrown off your mojo. You need something to get your mojo back. Maybe that's why CJayC doesn't want to hang out with you. You need something to get your mojo back before CJayC arrives. Quickly, try to think of something that is badass. Ah....Jump rope! Dammit, no! Why the hell do these things pop into your head? Ah...crabgrass? Candles? Pirates? Yes, pirates! Go with pirates! And what do pirates have that help them keep their mojo? Parrots. You need a parrot. You quickly drive to the pet store and ask the clerk, "Which parrot speaks the most English?" "Well, the one on the end is very talkative, but-" "Awesome! I'll take it! How much?" "Ah, I think I should explain s-" "I don't care. I want a cage, food, and toys or whatever." "Sir, if I could just-" "If you could just be a good little employee and fetch me my bird, I'd appreciate it very much. Okay? Thank you." "Fine." The employee hastily gathers up what you ask and you give her the money. You put the birdcage in the backseat and try to make it back home before CJayC gets there. At that exact moment, a flash of brilliance strikes you. "I just came up with the greatest name for you", you tell the bird. "Hello." "Yeah, hi. You wanna hear your name?" "Cracker?" "No, your name isn't Cracker- Oh wait, do you want a cracker or are you wondering if your name is Cracker?" "Nah, I'm just wondering why they sold me to a cracker." The bird seems happy with his comment. "Whaaaaat?" Apparently this bird is vocal. "Alright, so I'm gonna need a broad and a joint before we get to your crib." "Whoa, that is wildly inappropriate." "Do I look like I give a f-" "ALALALALALA!! I can't hear you because I have to enforce the law and if my bird starts cussing then I'm going to have to punch it in the face!" The bird remains quiet. "Good. Stay like that until I say so." "How long will th-" "Until I say so." You pull up to your house, CJayC still gone. You grab the cage and run into the house, eager to show the bird his new home. "Remember, punched in the face." Shortly after you get the bird settled, CJayC pulls up with a guy in handcuffs. He knocks on the door. "We're handcuffing people now?" "Well, I had them, so I used them". The guy in cuffs is a black man, about 25 years old. He asks, "What is going on? All I said was-" CJayC cuts him off. "I know what you said and it was enough for a suspension!" Just then, an ear-splitting screech fills the room. You look at the bird, who is now welcoming the guests, "Hey y'all! Welcome to this crazy mother ****er's house! Over there is the couch, and over there is the kitchen, and over there is the crazy mother ****er who has never satisfied any woman!" "I SWEAR TO GOD BIRD, I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!" CJayC asks, "When the Hell did you get a bird?"

"About fifteen minutes ago. Wanna hear his name?" "Sure, whatever." "Maude." "You named a bird Mod?" "No, not Mod, like a moderator, but Maude like the name. But Maude still sounds like he's a moderating bird, that's why I picked it!" The bird yells from his cage, "Damn, man! Maude is woman's name!" CJayC agrees, "He's right. It is a woman's name." "SHUT UP MAUDE!" You turn to CJayC, "It's not really the gender that matters, it's the name." CJayC just stares at you awkwardly, somewhat expecting this. You try to recover. "Oh! No! That came out wrong! What I meant was-" The black man says, "I think we all knew what you meant." CJayC leads the man over to the basement, despite the man's pleading, leaving you alone with the bird for a minute. What do you do? A) Punch Maude in the face. B) Tie up Maude and put him in the basement with the other offenders. C) Tell CJayC a story that will make him think you're really cool. D) Give up on moderating real life. It's gone too far. C) Tell CJayC a story that will make him think you're really cool. You almost have no hope of connecting with CJayC on an emotional and personal level. Whenever he's around, things just come out horribly wrong. This whole bird thing went straight to Hell. "Why the hell did you have to open your mouth?" you ask the bird. "Why the hell did you have to buy me? I coulda had a much better life with some straight guy. I'm a chick magnet. I coulda got him so much tail." "What? I'm not gay." "I don't know. It seems you have a man crush on that guy in the basement. I don't think he's interested though. Try showing a bit more leg." "You're not getting food. Ever." CJayC comes back upstairs. "Alright. You and I definitely have a problem," he tells you. "Is it the bird? Because I can kill him with a swift crack of the n-" "It's not the bird. It's you. You just don't seem that professional. And to be quite honest, it seems that you're using this moderation job to meet men." "How am I giving this vibe off to so many people?" "Well, the first time I met you, you were wearing an apron and holding and tray full of snacks. Next, you give into that salesman's weird fantasies. I mean, it's like you had sex with that guy." "For the love of God! I was just trying to beat his fetish out of him." "You still did what you did. Also, you can't seem to tell the difference between men's names and women's names, which leads me to believe you don't really care either way." "I was just trying to make a pun!" "Oh, and for some reason, the teenager down there is afraid that you're going to sexually assault him. Did you tell him you would please him for hours on end?" "I-I...That was just a mistake in word choice." "Frankly, I don't know if I want to do this anymore." Your heart is broken. You can't let CJayC leave. Maybe you should tell him a story that will make him believe that you're for real. "You know CJayC, I can understand why you would get this impression of me. We haven't exactly gotten off on the right foot. Let me tell you a story so

wrought with hardcoreness, that you'll have a whole new impression of me." "Alright." Which story will you tell CJayC? A) The one about how you beat up the teenager and his friends. B) One about how you're the best moderator on GameFaqs. C) One about how you sex up the ladies, frequently and effectively. D) Get nervous, realize you aren't hardcore, and just wing it. C) One about how you sex up the ladies, frequently and effectively. "I'm going to tell you a story." "I know. You've said that already." "I know. I'm building up the anticipation and suspense." "I know. However, the longer you delay, the more I begin to believe that you have no story planned and are going to feed me some ridiculous lie." "I know. But when my story blows you away, you'll never doubt me again and we'll become fast friends. You'll move in with me and we'll be the most eligible bachelor's in the state." "I know. About the eligible bachelor part at least- and only about me. I'm the most eligible bachelor in the state already. None of that other stuff will ever happen though." "I know. I like to imagine it sometimes though to keep me from putting a shotgun in my mouth." "I know. I kind of pity you for that." "I....Dammit! I don't know anything else." "I know." "DAMMIT!" You begin your story. So this here's a tale for all the fellas, who try do what those ladies tell us. I got shot got because I was overzealous, so I played hard to get- females they get jealous. Realizing you were quoting Young MC's "Bust a Move" almost word for word, you decide you need expand your vocabulary to make him believe this. You are actually a virgin. So I went to a social gathering of a friend whom I had known for a multitude of years and females were contorting their bodies in a promiscous manner, wearing rather provocative attire and revealing a large area of their epidermal layers. At this precise moment, a beautiful being strides across the living room, assumably to obtain some punch, becomes the center of my plane of vision for several minutes. I had wished to fornicate with this woman, but not wholly confident in my social abilities I decided to confine myself to the wall and admire from afar. On the morrow, I was invited to a well-to-do luncheon where many people of elevated social stature would be located. I accepted this generous invitation, but in all of my excitement I seemed to have forgotten my manners. I consumed a large quantity of food, and by the end of my meal I feared that I had filled myself beyond my maximum capacity. During my struggle, I spot another attractive woman glide her way across the dance floor, seemingly in my direction. This female obtained a heightened percentage of the males' attention. And what luck was bestowed upon me that fine day when her petite bodice slipped into the seat currently unoccupied on my right side and requested a dance from yours truly. I was excited to say the least, but the pain in my organs was excrutiating. It seemed that every man in the room was counting on me to succeed, using me for their own fantasies in a way. I stepped up to the challenge and executed my finest choreography. That night we made love so sweet it made the angels blush.

You finish your story and look to CJayC to see if he believed it. For awhile he said nothing; he just stared at the floor, hands under his chin. Finally he looks to you and says, "That may have been the best damn story I have ever heard." You breath a sigh of relief as Maude lets his opinion be heard. "You believed that ****? My ass could come up with a better story than that." CJayC rushes to your defense. "BIRD! I will punch you in the face!" Maude quiets down and CJayC and gives you a smile and a wink. What do you do? A) Wink back. B) Ask him if you can be mod partners, like he and Sailor Bacon were. C) Ask him if he wants to hit the clubs and you'll show him how to get the ladies. D) Ask him if he wants to punch Maude in the face. D) Ask him if he wants to punch Maude in the face. CJayC came to your defense. He actually likes you. Or at least you think he does. He now seeks the companionship that you've strived for. Although, now that you have it, you're not exactly sure what to do with it. You want to grab him and take him into the biggest hug you've ever given, but that's what got you into trouble in the first place. Perhaps a subtle wink back? Nah, too risky. Ah...say something. Don't just sit there like a jackass. "You...You wanna punch Maude in the face with me?" Simultaneously you can hear the "What?!" of Maude and the "Sure!" of CJayC. You and CJayC head over to Maude's cage. Maude is trying to make you reconsider, "Hey hey hey! We're smart guys! We can work out an agreement, can't we? Nothing sexual though." He glares at you. You take the offensive. "You have committed several violations of the ToS. You will now be punished accordingly." "Back the **** away from the cage you crazy mother ****ers!" "If you survive this, remember that from now on, the word is BEEP." "I'll BEEP your mother if you don't leave me alone!" "Those words won't help you know." You open the door and Maude immediately flies out before you can get to him. He flies to the ceiling and stays in an upper corner of the room. "Come on down Maude. Face your punishment." "You stay away from me!" CJayC puts out his arm, like the bird trainers do, expecting Maude to fly onto it. Maude just stares at him. CJayC stares back and whistles once. Maude keeps staring. You turn to CJayC, "I...I don't think that's going to work. He knows our intentions." "Give it time." What do you do? A) Give it time. B) Put your arm out too. C) Shoot flaming arrows at Maude. D) Throw the coatrack at Maude. C) Shoot flaming arrows at Maude. Maude has pinned himself up in the corner and refuses to come down. CJayC seems convinced

that Maude will fly right onto his arm, as if his arm is hypnotizing the bird. You, however, are tired of waiting. "I'll be right back." CJayC stops you and asks, "Do you have any crackers?" Maude interjects. "I don't want a cracker." "Clearly, he doesn't want a cracker." "Get me the cracker anyway." "I don't have any crackers." "Now you're lying again." "Alright fine. I'll get the cracker." Maude interrupts again. "I already said I don't want the cracker." "Give it time." You hand the cracker to CJayC and he holds it in his hand while keeping his arm extended. Maude removes himself from the wall and flies towards CJayC's arm, but then turns around and flies back. CJayC is impressed with his cunning. "See? We almost had him." "He was clearly just messing with you." "No I wasn't", the bird says with a grin. "The cracker looks pretty damn good." "I told you the cracker would work." "The cracker didn't work. Maude is still in the corner." "Give it time." "Jesus Christ...." You leave CJayC to make a fool of himself in front of the bird for a few more minutes and head to the basement, where you keep your bow and arrow. Hopefully your three classes of archery in the sixth grade will serve you well here. When you reach the basement, you see the teenager reviewing the material, while the salesman and the black guy argue. The salesman has a bloody nose seems to be pleading with the black man. "Come on! Just one more!" "Dude, if I had known you were into that stuff, I woulda never headbutted you!" "Dammit! Give me what I want!" CJayC's prisoner spots you and calls you over. "Dude, this guy is a freak! I'm just trying to do my studying, and he starts coming on to me and such!" You sigh. "Do you want me to duct tape his mouth shut?" "Yes. Yes I would." The salesman struggles against you for a bit, but while he's tied up, there's nothing much he can do. Once the salesman is quieted, you grab your bow and arrow and head back upstairs to see who's winning the staring match. You spot the two on the other side of the room. "What happened?" "He went over to this corner." "Why?" "Because of the cracker." You shake your head and begin to question the sanity of CJayC as you look for a book of matches. You go out to your shed and bring in some gasoline for your lawnmower. You dip the tips of the arrows in the gasoline and strike a match. With the tip of the arrow aflame, you walk over to where the bird is stationed, arrow ready. "Wait!" CJayC apparently has another idea. Staring at the bird, with the arm outstretched and the cracker in hand, CJayC whistles. "...He's not a dog." "Give it t-" A flaming arrow launches by CJayC's ear and narrowly misses Maude. Instead, the flaming arrow puts a large hole in the side of your house, which Maude takes advantage of. He squeezes his way through the hole and looks back just to bid you and CJayC farewell. "See you

later, you bunch of ****ing rat bastards!" "DAMMIT!" you scream as your house begins to burn down. The fire has spread to your horrible new curtains and the carpet. What do you do? A) Get yourselves and the prisoners to safety. B) Screw the prisoners. Get the hell out of there. C) Try to put out the flames. D) Toast marshmellows. D) Toast marshmellows. The flames begin to engulf everything in your beloved home. You watch and shock and awe. You've always loved the form and majesty of fire, so this is sort of bittersweet. CJayC is running around frantically and screaming. You look at him and say, "Calm down and clam up. We can just go out the back door if we need to." "Why aren't you panicking? This is your home!" "Well I'd rather the whole thing burn down than spend an assload of money to repair it. Besides, I've always wanted to see a building burn down from the inside." You walk to the kitchen. You grab some shiskabob rods and a bag of marshmellows. You hand a rod to CJayC and then struggle with the bag of marshmellows. CJayC stabs a hole through it with his rod. "Thanks." "No problem." You sigh. "Nothing to do now except stick some marshmellows on our rods and wait for things to heat up." "..." "Sounded a lot straighter in my head." "You run into that problem a lot." As you watch your house burn down, the two of you stand next to the flames on the curtains, toasting your marshmellows. You're not exactly upset about your house, and you're not sure why, but for some reason R.E.M.'s "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" is running through your head. Maybe because it's the end of your world as you know it, and you feel fine. However, you and CJayC are in quite a dangerous situation. Not the house fire, you can easily escape that through the back door. See, the shishkabob rods are made of metal, and the two of you have forgotten that metal is a pretty damn good conductor of heat. And whenever any man burns his fingers, we all yell the same word. The rods burn you and CJayC at almost the exact same time, and you both simultaneously yell, "****!" and throw the rods down. You look and your fingers and then realize what you've just done. CJayC realizes shortly after and stares at you, bewildered. You and CJayC have broken the ToS. What do you do? A) Pull a Nixon. Mods are above the law and can do whatever they want. B) Acknowledge that you've made a mistake and think no more of it. C) Try to mod CJayC before he mods you. D) Tie eachother up and head to the basement.

C) Try to mod CJayC before he mods you. You and CJayC's eyes are deadlocked. You are both aware of the atrocity you have committed, but neither of you knows what to do about it. You look CJayC up and down, sizing him up just in case this gets physical. "You sizing me up, boy?" he asks. He reads minds. How are you supposed to win against a physic? CJayC continues talking, "I know we've been through a lot together, but duty comes first. You know what you've done." "You did it too." "Well you're the only one that knows, and I'm about to take care of that." "Can't we just forget about this? Watch some TV?" You pick up the remote. "Watch TV in a burning building? I don't think so." "Really? That's...unfortunate." You whip the remote across the room and drill CJayC in the face with it. He lets out a cry and stumbles backward. He doesn't fall, but his step backward is enough: he stepped on one of the burning drapes. As he tries to escape the drape, it wraps itself around his leg and surrounds CJayC in flames. His screams are piercing, but fall only on your deaf ears. He's a goner. You quickly run to the basement to retrieve the prisoners. You begin untying them as you tel them of the situation, "The house is on fire. We have to get out of here. Once we leave, you're free to go. Both myself and CJayC used a cuss word. I realized how easy it is to break the ToS in moments of weakness, and cannot rightfully hold you for the same offense I have committed." "That's very noble of you", the black man admits. "Actually, I might stick around with you", the salesman says. "Like hell you will." You finished untying those two and move onto the teenager when you hear the salesman say, "I wouldn't bother if I were you." "Why?" "He's dead." "...God dammit." You sigh and give the teenager one last look. You lead the survivors upstairs and out the backdoor. What do you do? A) Find a new place to live. B) Make a scene on the front lawn. C) Someone has probably already called the firemen. Wait for them. D) Go back in and attempt to save CJayC. D) Go back in and attempt to save CJayC. B) Make a scene on the front lawn. You and the others stumble into your backyard, coughing. CJayC was still in the house somewhere, still on fire probably. Even though he became homicidal in the last moments you shared together, he was still your friend and maybe even your mentor. You have to save him. You struggle to get up, as the others are holding you down. "No! Stay here, Celery! Stay here!" "I gotta find CJayC!" "No! Stay here! That's an order!" You break away from them and start running back toward the house. "I gotta find CJayC!" You were glad that your former prisoners were going along with the reenactment of that Forrest Gump scene you were trying to create. You think that the "That's an order!" statement felt forced since these prisoners were not Leiutenant Dan, and instead helpless beings. Therefore, the statement really lacked any power, because there was no risk of Leiutenant Dan kicking the **** out of you when you got back to the backyard, or any chance of being court martialed. Now the only thing left to do is bust into the house, find CJayC critically wounded and in distress, and

then share one last heartwarming moment. Once you enter the house, the horrible smell of burning flesh fills your nostrils. You hold back vomit. You look to where the drapes used to be and see this deformed, twisted body. "Oh ****. He's so dead." You immediately turn around and run outside again. The guys pummel you with questions. "Did you find him? How is he? Where'd that bird go?" You ignore their questions and put your hands on top of your head while walking around to the front of the house. You were trying to look distraught, but really you just wanted to see how the fire looked from the front. It looked ****in' awesome. Oh, they're looking at you now. Better get back to distraught. You fall to your knees as a firetruck pulls up. "WHY?! Curse you Almighty God! How can you let men of goodness and grace fall while men who plunder and pillage roam free on the streets?" You pound the grass with your fists as the hoses spray over your shoulders trying to put the fire. "Why can't we live in a world where noble men are rewarded with castles and titles while bandits and wenches are brought to their knees under the cold, unforgiving fist of justice? I vow my life to you, Lady Justice! I shall bring your wisdom and knowledge to the great denizens of our fair world! Worry not, Lady Justice. Your message lies in worthy hands." Your speech is done. What do you do? A) Look around and see if anyone else knew what the hell you were talking about because you sure as hell didn't. B) Flee into the night. C) Hit on the firemen. D) Lay on the grass and wait for someone to come and console you. C) Hit on the firemen. B) Flee into the night. Well, you've murdered your mentor, a teenager, and kept two other people as prisoners. You're worried, grief-stricken, and...and horny. You look around and see that no attractive women have come to watch your house burn down. In fact, no women at all. Whatever, one of your better qualities is that you have a very good imagination. You rise from the grass and walk over to a fireman attempting to put out the fire. "You handle that hose pretty well. Maybe you could handle mine sometime." "What?" "Well, you know...I'm available. And you've got some nice imaginary hooters." You pretend to grope the fireman's breasts. "Get outta here! ****ing weirdo!" "Well fine. There are plenty of other studs around here." This one's not interested. Maybe you should show some more skin. You look around and see another fireman with a firehose. You quickly run over and stand in the path of water. Unfortunately, you misjudged the force at which the water was being fired. The blast sends you flying back several yards, almost back into the flames. Your head took a nasty bash off the ground. Still, you try to stay true to character. You get up, extremely dizzy and possibly concussed, and make your way over to the fireman. He immediately asks, "Man, what the hell is wrong with you? Standing in front of a firehose!" You struggle to maintain your balance as you say, "Oh no, you got water all over me. I guess I have to take it off." You try to take off your shirt, and fall down in the process. "Are you an idiot?" "I'll try the guy by the truck." You walk over to the last fireman you feel like wooing and say, "My clothes are all wet. Maybe we can go back to your place and you can give me some new ones."

He eyes you up and down, then runs and finger down your chest and smiles. "I think so. But you're gonna have to work for those clothes. "Oh..." You hadn't expected this. You quickly sprint down your street, toward the center of town. Where do you go? A) The church. B) The mall. C) Fast food place. D) The park. A) The church. You run aimlessly through the streets and eventually find yourself in front of a church. You don't know what faith the church belongs to, or the congregation of the faith, or the subsection of the congregation. However, you're a little distraught, as you are now a murderer and kidnapper. And your new best friend/victim is dead. You could use a little guidance. You walk into the large church doors and see a pastor looking fellow in by the altar. You stride right up to him and say, "I'd like to confess my sins, father." The pastor looks at you strangely and says, "This is an agnostic church. We don't have confession." "Well could you humor m- Wait what? You people actually have a church? What the hell do you do here?" "Well, I, the pastor, read passages from the Bible and whenever I come to a part that seems a little farfetched, I just skip over it." "Ah...Well, if I explain my situation to you, could you tell me what God would want me to do if he was real?" The pastor thinks your proposal over and nods. "Alright. I'll give it a shot." Relieved, you begin your tale. "So I decided to clean up the world from its filthy language and mischievous actions. Do you think God would like that?" The pastor kind of sways from side to side and shrugs. "He might." You nod. "Ok. Good start. Well, I caught this teenager using some harsh language outside a fast food restaurant, and decided that it was grounds for a temporary suspension from life. So I beat him up in front of several witnesses and forced him into my car." "God probably would frown on such behavior. Abusing minors is never good, regardless of religion." "Oh." You make a mental scoreboard and put one point in Heaven, and one point in Hell. "I drove the teenager back to my house, and threw him in the basement, tied up. I gave him a set of rules to memorize. Kind of like the Ten Commandments, I guess." "Ten Commandments. Those are good." 2-1 Heaven. "Right, so then I decided to go back to the fast food restaurant because I never did get any food, but one of the witnesses recognized me and I had to evade the police. However, I had to call my friend Horace to tell him that I couldn't help him move. He used harsh language also, however. So I sent another one of my friends to bring him back to my house. This other friend happened to be cleaning up the world too." "Hey, do you have any heroin?" "But when he brought him to my house, and we killed him." "You...killed him?" "Well, my other friend killed him too." "And where's your other friend?" "I killed him." "I see..."

"Oh, and the teenager is dead now too. He might have starved or something." The pastor lets out a long sigh. "Well, if God is real he'd probably-" "Oh wait, I forgot something!" "There's more?" "Yeah. You see, this salesman sold me some awful curtains, so I went back to the store and tricked him into coming back to my house." "He's probably dead now too, isn't he?" "Actually, no. I just beat the **** out of him, but he ended up liking it. Is that like having sex with him?" "I...I don't know. And by the way, you just used some very harsh language there yourself." "Oh, I'm done cleaning up the world. I'm homeless." "Congratulations. Oh, and in all this fun I forgot to ask a question I've been wondering since you walked in. Why are you shirtless?" "Oh, I hit on some firemen, and they squirted me with their hose." "..." "So how are my salvation odds looking right now?" "I'd probably have to say none." "If God was real, you mean." "Well, people like you make me less of a believer, so that's some good news." Then there's an awkward silence. It goes on for a few moments to long. You have to find something to say. "...Hey, I heard somewhere that Jesus wasn't white? Like, what's up with that?" "I know, it's just bananas...But seriously, about the heroin. Do you, like, have any?" "No. I don't abuse drugs. God probably wouldn't want me to do that." "Well he's probably not real, so I'll put whatever I want into my body." What do you do? A) Get the pastor some heroin. B) Make a joke about how his last comment sounded sexual. C) Make the pastor your new buddy. D) Go back to your house, get in your car, and find a hotel. B) Make a joke about how his last comment sounded sexual. Ha. He'll put whatever he wants in his body? You gotta come up with something witty to say soon though, because you don't want a repeat of one of your embarassing high school moments to happen again. "Man, none of this mustard is coming out." Your friend looks up from his lunch. "I'm sure if you shake it around a little it'll start coming." You tried it. "Hey, it worked!" "See? What did I tell ya?" "Thanks." "No problem." "So how did you do on Mrs. Kellerman's trig quiz?" "Not so good." "Really? Why?" "I can't really get the hang of logarithms." "Oh!...Oh! That's what she said!" "What?" "Not the logarithms, the mustard!"

"Wha-?...She doesn't like logarithms?" "No, the thing you said earlier. The shake it around thing." "Oh..." You sit in awkward silence for a few minutes before you get up and leave. We don't want that to happen again, but the silence has gone on too long. "Oh really? Because I got an old toaster I'm looking to get rid of." The pastor shudders. "That's disturbing to think about." "Just like your mother's va-" "OK! Too far!" You sigh and sit back down on a pew. "Sorry. I'm just having a little trouble figuring out what to do with myself." "Well, I definitely believe in one thing. Everyone was put on Earth for a reason. I like to think I was put here to open this agnostic church and question religion. You might have been put here to kill the innocent, it seems. I don't know. What I do know is that you have to find your reason to live. Once you do, you'll always have that will to keep going, because you have a purpose. Y'know?" "I think I do." "Good, now you better get going. From what you've told me tonight, you're lucky I'm not ****ing calling the cops." A small grin comes to your face. "Yes, it turns out that I had a reason to live all along, I just got sidetracked. It's not to murder the innocent, it's to teach the guilty the error of their ways. And you're the latest offender." You begin to approach. The pastor realizes what you're doing. He begins frantically waving him arms around. "Hey hey hey! Hold on! You said **** earlier! I heard you!" "You're right. I did say that and should be punished accordingly. Punch me in the crotch." "N-...No. That'll just set you off." "Well either way I'm going to give you what you deserve. If you punch me in the crotch, at least you'll have a better shot at getting away." The pastor looks around the empty church for help that's not there. He finally walks up and punches you square in the testicles, and begins sprinting for the exit. You fall to the floor and roll for awhile in agony, but the pain subsides shortly. What do you do? A) Find out all his information and mod him when he least expects it. B) Race out into the streets and chase him down. C) Find the other prisoners you've let go. D) Raid the Church of the Agnostics. A) Find out all his information and mod him when he least expects it. Time to take this mother BEEPer down. You never gained his name, but you can research the Church of the Agnostics on your computer. You walk back to your house. All that remians is the foundation and a pile of rubble. Your car sits untouched in the driveway with your laptop in the backseat. You hop in, drive to a motel, and check-in to a room. You open your laptop and Google "Church of the Agnostics", and find many agnostic chat rooms, religious debates, and softcore pornography, but finally you see a link that has the name of your city in it. You find out that the church used to belong to Methodists, but they sold the church to a man named Catfish Johnson. Apparently Catfish Johnson had a very crippling religious experience in the past. He was

convinced that Jesus Christ was the cause of his bankruptcy and homelessness. With the last bit of money he owned, he bought a lottery ticket and won. He bought a large house in the suburbs, and with the money left over, he bought the church from financially deprived Methodists. He turned the church into the Church of the Agnostics, where people who were unsure of their religious beliefs could go for comfort. However, Catfish has had a lot of problems with drugs such as heroin, LSD, and glue. He liked to huff glue. What do you do? A) Pretend to be a drug buyer and set up a deal. B) Infiltrate his mansion. C) Dig up more information. D) Wait a week, and then run guns blazing into the church. E. Ask him about DMX that moose. You continue reading the article on Catfish Johnson. Apparently he was arrested a few months ago for drug possession. However, with the lotto money, he easily posted bail. When the police arrived on the scene, he was arguing with someone named DMX. The rapper, however, is in a prison cell somewhere. This begs the question, what is the secret of this imaginary figure? You have a feeling that DMX will play a key role in your moderation. However, further in the article, it mentions that the church had another founder. Timothy Ingelberger was a longtime friend of Catfish Johnson, but when Johnson turned to crime, they split. You decide to contact Mr. Ingelberger and ask him about DMX. You find a phone book in the hotel, and look up Ingelberger. You dial the number and wait for an answer. "Hello?" "Hello? Mr. Ingelberger?" "This is him." "Hello. I need a favor from you. My name is RC, and I need to get in contact with Catfish Johnson." "I'm sorry. I no longer have any contact to Catfish Johnson-" "Hold on! Wait! Maybe you could tell me something about a guy named DMX!" "What do you want with DMX?" "Well, Mr. Johnson has committed a violation of the Terms of Use, and I must punish him accordingly." "Oh! You want to harm Catfish Johnson?" "Well...kind of." "Say no more. Meet me at this address." Ingelberger gives you the address. You immediately hop in your car and make your way over there. You notice that Ingelberger lives in a very shady part of the city. You find the apartment complex. He lives in 4D. You can't help but notice that the fourth floor has a bit of a vomit scent to it. You knock on the door, and a man in a wheelchair opens it. "Hello. Are you RC?" "Yes I am." "Please come in." Looking around Ingelberger's apartment, you can't help but notice that he has some really nice things. "This is some nice stuff for someone who lives in a bad apartment complex." "Well, actually I was robbed almost 6 months ago. Everything I own was taken. However, Catfish was kind enough to refurnish my apartment before he went completely insane." The mention of his name seems like a good start to talk to Ingelberger about the moderation that needs to be dealt out. "Catfish, yes. Mr. Ingelberger, do you kn-"

"First of all," he interrupts, "if this is going to work, you should know my real name. Call me Brad. Ingelberger is the name on the checks that I get from disability claim." "Oh, ok then. Brad, do you know how I can find Johnson?" "First, you have to get to know him. And no one knows him better than DMX." "DMX? Is he here?" "Not yet. He is a hallucination that is caused by huffing glue." Brad wheels himself over to a cabinet, where he grabs a bottle of glue and a plastic bag. "Are you ready to meet him?" he asks you. What do you do? A) Huff the glue. B) These people are crazy stoners. Just get out of this situation. C) Go back to the hotel to check if huffing glue is allowed by the ToU. D) Forget the glue. Just make Brad tell you where he is. As far as I’m aware, not yet finished. By assaultedmuffin http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/genmessage.php?board=586631&topic=49839831