You And Your Self

YOU AND YOUR SELF CONNECT WITH THE PERSON YOU WERE MEANT TO BE HEAR YOUR INTERNAL GURU

Marj Frazer Lacey, MS, MFT

WHO ARE YOU? connect with the person you were meant to be hear your internal guru By Marj Frazer Lacey, MS, MFT

Self-help shelves sag with advice on finding the perfect partner, breaking up with the imperfect one you have, or rescuing a worn-out marriage. Tangled in the root of every problem relationship, however, is this: your frayed liaison with the one person you can never escape—namely, your own, ever evolving self. Caught up in the demands of career and family, hammered by economic forces you can’t control, bombarded with expectations fed by media and imposed by those near and (sometimes) dear, it's easy to lose touch with deeply held values, your true north sense of direction, and the wise person residing in your core. How do you know this has happened to you? Take the test. Rate yourself on the following items. Select always or never if the statement or characteristic is so typical of you that, while there might be rare exceptions, others would use the terms always or never when they referr

to that trait in describing you. 1.

I feel responsible for the feelings of others--friends, spouse, offspring, parents, for instance. A. always

2.

I feel incapable decisions. A. always

3.

C. sometimes

D. never

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

I believe that changing my opinion is a sign of weakness. A. always

8.

independent

good,

When I make a decision, a major influence is what others--people that are important to me or that I admire--would do in my situation. A. always

7.

making

I find it difficult to put my feelings into words because I'm not sure what I feel. A. always

6.

D. never

It is important for me to impress others with my appearance, financial success, and/or accomplishments. A. always

5.

B. often

of

C. sometimes

I worry about things and people I can't control. A. always

4.

B. often

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

I worry about what other people think of me.

A. always 9.

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

In the areas of religion, politics, or personal values, I accept without question the beliefs I was taught as a child. A. always

B. often

C. sometimes

10. My sense of worth accomplishments. A. always

B. often

is

dependent

C. sometimes

D. never upon

my

D. never

11. I'm afraid to take risks in my career, relationships, and financial life. A. always

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

12. Given a choice, I prefer being with other people to being alone. A. always

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

13. If I disagree with someone, I keep my opinion to myself. A. always

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

14. After having made a decision, I second-guess myself. A. always

B. often

C. sometimes

D. never

15. I am dissatisfied with my life. A. always

B. often

C. sometimes So what?

D. never

Responses to the above questions touch on issues of self awareness, acceptance, and confidence, and all three of these qualities are greatly affected by how well you know and understand your self. Give yourself the following points for each answer A B C D

= = = =

1 3 4 2

point points points points

Yes, that’s right. You earn the most points for an answer of C. A’s receive the least because in all cases, they indicate an inability to hear your genuine inner voice and a discomfort with your own internal compass. D’s receive the next lowest score because an answer of never indicates a rigidity produced by lack of the self awareness that permits a tempering of behavior and responses as circumstances shift. On a more positive note, while B’s indicate an elevated level of disconnection from your own core self, C’s indicate a realistic recognition that in certain circumstances you are not always entirely your “own person,” as the saying goes. If you’re able to respond with sometimes to these items, chances are that you have a nuanced awareness of who you are and how you best relate to the world with a sense of integrity. Clearly, the lower your score (there’s a possible high of 60 and a low of 15), the more likely it is that you have lost touch with your own inner guru, the wise, self-aware person at your core. What Now? No matter where you are today, it's not a life sentence. You arrived by your own unique and sometimes circuitous path, and by looking at where you came from, you can take control going forward.

Unearthing that connection to your own core self is a bit like the probing that goes on at an archaeological dig. The deeper you go, the more you discover. The more you discover, the more you understand. There is no formula, no one-size-fits-all prescription. Instead, in the book, It’s Not a Life Sentence, therapist Marj Frazer Lacey takes you on a personalized journey with individualized introspections to help you probe your past and unlock the door to the future you want. To view excerpts and download the book immediately, click here. To go to the author's home page, view excerpts, read recent blogs, and order the book online, click here. Copyright 2009 by Marj Frazer Lacey