When You're Reich, You're Reich.

WHEN YOU'RE REICH, YOU'RE REICH. Cast: Monty, Katherine, Verity, Stacey. Projection of HITLER delivering 'Triumph of the Will' speech to his fellow Nazis. A minute or so passes and the audience are stuck in a Kino broadcast of the rally meeting, surrounded by swastikas and propaganda. Four people arrive late and awkwardly find their seats amongst the viewers. Another pause before they start. MONTY I think we're a little bit late. STACEY Yeah- we've missed the beginning. KATHERINE We could come back later for the late evening showing? VERITY No, I think we've only missed a very little bit. STACEY It might have been a very important bit? MONTY We'll just ask someone later what we missed. KATHERINE Alright - good idea. Another moment of audience silence as HITLER continues. VERITY I need the toilet. KATHERINE (unresponsively) Mmm.

VERITY I need to go to the toilet. KATHERINE Sh! VERITY ...It's number two! I can'tKATHERINE Hold it and listen to Hitler! VERITY But I really can't! STACEY Will you two shut up? Audience silence, HITLER's speech. Applaud at 2minutes. MONTY You know that weekend gig I have at the SS HQ? STACEY Aren't you a cleaner? MONTY Exactly! Well, week before last, I had to clean the Fuhrer's private bathroom. Guess what I found when I went in? STACEY What? MONTY He'd left a massive shit in the toilet. He didn't even flush his fucking shit. Nutty and everything. I had to flush Hitler's shit. Can you believe it? Unbelievable. STACEY That's disgustiMONTY

And then, when I did flush the toilet, the fucker got stuck. I had to force Hitler's shit down into the toilet. Nasty. STACEY You're making me feel sick! MONTY Right, sorry, sorry. More audience silence. Hitler's broadcast continues. KATHERINE He does wave his hands a lot. STACEY Oh, he does, dunne? VERITY Yeah. My God. A moment for the group to reflect on HITLER's gestures. VERITY (CONT'D) He likes playing with the air. MONTY He looks like a robot. KATHERINE Don't be so daft, it's 1935 - there are no robots yet. MONTY Ah, right. Sorry. VERITY Mind though, I see what he means. MONTY Thank you. Yet more audience silence, applauding when the video applauds, perhaps even throwing up an occasional salute. STACEY Hey- why did Hitler commit suicide?

VERITY Hitler committed suicide? STACEY Well, yeah - of course. VERITY When did this happen? STACEY Well, the... 1945? KATHERINE Nonono- that hasn't happened yet. STACEY Oh, well - just to let you know, he does. MONTY You've ruined the ending now. STACEY Sorry? MONTY The ending of the movie. I didn't know that Hitler dies at the end of this! KATHERINE No, you fool - he doesn't die after thisVERITY -But you said he does! KATHERINE Well, yes - but he dies a long time after this. MONTY Oh. So he doesn't die at the end of this? KATHERINE No. MONTY Right.

Another break to watch the speech, interrupted again. STACEY Why did Hitler commit suicide? MONTY Now, I thought we'd settled this. STACEY What? VERITY Eugh - I really need the loo. MONTY Hey - did you hear what happened to me last weekend at the SS HQ? VERITY Yes, I heard, thank you. MONTY I had to flush his shit. VERITY -Yes! Yes, I know! Thank you! MONTY That guy right there. Big old shit. Right down there, it was. VERITY Oh my God. KATHERINE Would you please? I can hear you from all the way over here. MONTY Right, sorry, sorry. Another long pause to watch the video. STACEY He got the gas bill... VERITY ...What?

STACEY He got the gas bill. VERITY Who got the gas bill? STACEY Hilter. Hitler got the gas bill. MONTY ...What? STACEY I asked you why he committed suicide, why he killed himself. MONTY Yes, I remember that, butVERITY I don't get it. STACEY Nevermind. MONTY OK. Another moment of video watching. Try to Heil. MONTY (CONT'D) You know when we 'heil'. KATHERINE Yes. VERITY Well, we 'heil' quite a lot. STACEY Yeah, buggered if you don't. MONTY Well, yeah. But, you know how we say 'Seig - Heil'? KATHERINE Yes?

MONTY Well, the german for "You Horny" is "Sie Geil". KATHERINE Oh my gosh, really? MONTY Yeah, great, huh? STACEY So, when we 'heil' Hitler, it sounds like we're saying 'You Horny?' Oh God!! VERITY Well, yeah. But we already knew that, 'cause we're German. STACEY Oh yeah... Another pause from the audience as Hitler continues. At 7:10, Hitler does the weirdest things with his arms. VERITY Did you just see him flapping his arms? Crazy stuff. Wait for 7:45 when Hitler does a weird grab looking up. STACEY What on earth is that man doing? MONTY He looks insane. VERITY He is insane. KATHERINE Mind, I'd do 'im. STACEY Me too. If only for the wealth. VERITY Me too if only for the power.

MONTY Me too, if only for a laugh. KATHERINE I now pronounce you Hitler and Wife. You may invade the Poland. STACEY I'll invade you're Poland. MONTY What does that even mean? VERITY Oh, God, Hitler's got big things in his future... STACEY -Yeah, big gas bills! Oh, yeah. MONTY He commits suicide doesn't he? KATHERINE Yes he does. Great doesn't always mean good. STACEY It doesn't? KATHERINE Nope. Wait. Sorry, but just wait. We're nearly there. :D MONTY Is it nearly over? KATHERINE I think so. MONTY Good. STACEY Yeah, good riddance. MONTY

I mean, it's very well shot and all probably best German Film of the year. But really, Hitler's a bit of a nob. KATHERINE Only time will tell.

STACEY They should really have put up subtitles, I'm not getting a word of this. VERITY Nonono, you don't understand - this is in German, we're Germans. STACEY Oh yeah, of course - silly me. Really long while of just watching the video. MONTY Yeah, you rally, you smug bastard, I know where you shit. Now just watch until HESS begins the 'Sieg Heil' ALL Sie Geil! Sie Geil! Sie Geil! STACEY Oh God, that's terrible. Movie ends, everyone exits. Hilarity ensues. THEND.