Scooby Doo And The Seven Dwarfs Panto Script No Header

UWE DRAMA SOCIETY CHRISTMAS PANTO 2009:

SCOOBY-DOO & THE SEVEN DWARFS Written and Directed by

Shahan Miah Montague Kimball-Evans

1

The Cast

THE GOODIES: SCOOBY-DOO

David Lewis

SHAGGY

Ian Halverson

SNOW WHITE

Aminah Jagne

SHAHAN

Himself

THE BADDIES: STEPMOTHER

Anthony Garnham

WOODSMAN

Huw Tindall-Jones

HI-DEF MIRROR

James Bonser

PRINCE CHARMING

Kat Underwood

THE DWARFS: TOURRETTESY

Nick East

DISNEY

Annie Turner

LAIRY

Jo Harrison

CHAVVY

Kat Ketley

SLEAZY

Michael Wright

MONTY

Himself

THE STEP-SISTERS: SNOW BLACK

Helen Rogers

SNOW PATROL

Holly Pacius

COMMENTATORS: COMMENTATOR 1

Shahan Miah

COMMENTATOR A

Dan Eccleston

2

Number of Lines in the Play SHAGGY - 64 SCOOBY - 71 STEPMOTHER - 68 SNOW WHITE - 71 TOURRETTESY - 26 DISNEY - 30 LAIRY - 33 CHAVVY - 24 SLEAZY - 38 MONTY – 1 WOODSMAN - 36 MIRROR - 24 CHARMING - 42 SNOW BLACK - 9 SNOW PATROL - 9 SHAHAN - 2 COMMENTATOR 1 - 3 COMMENTATOR A - 2

4

STEPMOTHER - 21 WOODSMAN - 10 MIRROR - 12 MIRROR - 12 SLEAZY - 7

5

SHAGGY - 6 SNOW WHITE - 19 SLEAZY - 4 TOURRETTESY - 3 SCOOBY - 4 DISNEY - 7 CHAVVY - 8 CHARMING - 19 LAIRY - 1 COMMENTATOR 1 - 3 COMMENTAROR 2 - 2

6

STEPMOTHER - 18 WOODSMAN - 13 MIRROR - 12

7a

SNOW WHITE - 18 SCOOBY - 23 SLEAZY - 8 LAIRY - 4 DISNEY - 9 TOURRETTESY - 9 CHARMING - 11 CHAVVY - 4 SHAGGY - 15 WOODSMAN - 7

7b

SHAGGY - 1 STEPMOTHER - 19 WOODSMAN - 6 DISNEY - 5 LAIRY - 7 CHAVVY - 6 SCOOBY - 10 SLEAZY - 7 CHARMING - 12 SNOW WHITE - 12 SNOW BLACK - 3 SNOW PATROL - 2 SHAHAN - 1

TOTAL – 549 Character Lines Per Scene 1

SHAGGY - 18 SCOOBY - 17 STEPMOTHER - 10

2a

SHAGGY - 12 SCOOBY - 10 SNOW WHITE - 12

2b

SNOW BLACK - 6 SNOW PATROL - 7 SHAHAN - 1

3

TOURRETTESY - 14 DISNEY - 9 LAIRY - 21 CHAVVY - 6 SLEAZY - 12 SNOW WHITE - 10 SHAGGY - 12 SCOOBY - 8 MONTY - 1

3

ACT ONE SCENE 1 Scooby-Doo and Shaggy are in the forest, on the ground waking up. SHAGGY: ....Whoa, that was some trip, Scoob! Like, Scoob! Where’s the rest of the gang? Hey, they haven’t left us, have they? Zoinks! SCOOBY: Ruh-oh! SHAGGY: Like, how else are they supposed to get their acid now? I was their major supplier! Like, I’m the CIA, and they’re South Vietnam! SCOOBY: Rowl? SHAGGY: Like, they've been against me ever since that time three months ago when we took acid and ran over that guy outside the Co-op in the mystery machine. Still, who would have thought it – me, Shaggy, kicked out of the group I helped set up. Like, no way man! Oh, I need a joint so bad... SCOOBY: Ranother one ralready? You’re such a-SQUIRREL! Scooby immediately stops and stares across when he says “SQUIRREL”. Shaggy stops walking...and then Scooby is back in focus after realising he didn’t see a squirrel SHAGGY: What is it, Scoob? SCOOBY: Big building over there, Raggy! Ruh-roh! SHAGGY: Check out that crazy castle, Scoob! SCOOBY: Ri’m scared, Raggy! Ronly you can rave me, Raggy... SHAGGY: Don’t worry, Scoob. Say boy, how would you like a Scooby-Snack? SCOOBY: Res, please! 4

SHAGGY: You can only get one once you go inside the castle. And if you don’t go in the castle, there won’t be a panto for us to be in... and all these people will have come for nothing (to audience) Fellow stoners! Let’s test out how good the audience response is in this place, and all give Scooby some support. Be as loud as you can! Audience are expected to cheer support for Scooby. If not, well, sucks to be them SCOOBY: Ri’ll doo it, Raggy! SHAGGY: (surprised) SCOOOOOB! The Scooby Snacks are all in the Mystery Machine with Fred, Daphne, Velma....oh SHIT! Like, I’m gonna have to owe you one, Scoob! Forget the others, let’s solve our own mystery! To the castle! SCOOBY: To the rastle! SHAGGY: Maybe there’s food inside! Maybe there’s weed too! SCOOBY: Roh, Raggy! Scooby and Shaggy exit stage. Stepmother comes on stage STEPMOTHER: (to audience) I’m the evil stepmother! I’m a right bitch but I think I’m beautiful. I keep asking my hi-def mirror, but that sod says that my stepdaughter, Snow White, is far more bootylicious! I’m not one to hold a grudge; I just want the bitch dead! Scooby and Shaggy come on stage. Stepmother approaches them. SHAGGY: Hey Scoob, we’re nearly at the-WHOA! SCOOBY: Roo the ruck are roo? STEPMOTHER: I’m the evil Stepmother, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! That’s my Castle over there! You must be my new Woodsman! I got recommended to you by my twin friends, John and Edward. SCOOBY: Redward? My friend Rimon Rowell knows them. He doesn’t rike them!

5

SHAGGY: Woodsman? Uh... yeah! Like, whatever you want... You have food in your castle? STEPMOTHER: What? What? Yes! But first; business... SHAGGY: Gnarly, dude! SCOOBY: Rowl! STEPMOTHER: Excuse me just one second! Stepmother steps away from Scooby and Shaggy (to herself) Not quite the woodsman I had in mind. Although he does have a large dog, he can bite off her legs... yes, she can’t escape them! Stepmother approaches Scooby and Shaggy You know what your assignment is? SCOOBY: Rassignment? SHAGGY: Scoob, just go along with it, and we get to eat! Like that trucker last week. [Scooby gulps] STEPMOTHER: Here’s her picture (gets out phone). Her name is Snow White... SCOOBY: Is that one of those ri-Phones? STEPMOTHER: Um....well, it is the fairest in the land SHAGGY: Like, random lady, you should get a BlackBerry! Only dicks have iPhones! STEPMOTHER: We’re digressing! Snow White, she lives in my castle. You can do this, right? You shall be rewarded for your troubles. SHAGGY: So, like, what are we doing? Taking her for ice cream? 6

STEPMOTHER: Well, yes, if you like... and THEN YOU KILL HER! MWAHAHAHAHAHA *cough* Stepmother runs away SCOOBY: ...Ruck! SHAGGY: Well, Scoob, you wanna go get some ice cream? SCOOBY: Ri don’t row, Raggy SHAGGY: C’mon, boy. We’ve done a lot weirder shit for a lot less! Remember that time when we took that beach ball to that Liverpool game? SCOOBY: Reah! We were trippin balls, too! SHAGGY: Then let’s go, boy! Scooby and Shaggy exit stage.

7

SCENE 2a Scooby and Shaggy are walking in the forest. They enter on the stage SHAGGY: I’m sorry for getting us in this mess, Scoob. I’m useless... SCOOBY: Raggy, I don’t think you’re ruseless. You know what, I think you’reSnow White enters stage, looking around. She’s black. Hold for applause. SHAGGY: She looks familiar, Scoob! SCOOBY: Who, Raggy? Who? Snow White approaches Shaggy and Scooby SNOW WHITE: Oh hi. Excuse me, but I’ve lost my iPhone. Do you have the time, oh kind sir? Scooby and Shaggy are jaw-droppingly shocked SHAGGY: Like...aren’t...aren’t you.... SNOW WHITE: My name is Snow White. SCOOBY: She’s no white! SNOW WHITE: Yes I am Snow White! [Patronising, but rubbing Scooby’s tummy at the same time] Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good likkle puppy wuppy? SCOOBY: Hehe- Me... SHAGGY: But the photo of you we were shown- um... Well, you’re a lot... paler... in the Disney version! Did you catch the sun...? Then again the picture we were shown was in sepia...like who the hell uses sepia anymore!? Apart from uppity Photography studentsSnow White stops touching Scooby, and approaches Shaggy angrily. Scooby is sad

8

SNOW WHITE: Who showed you a photo of me? [Snow White grabs Shaggy’s shirt] WHO SHOWED YOU? SHAGGY: Er....er... SCOOBY: (Loud) It was your evil Repmother!!! Snow White lets go of Shaggy, looks at the audience in distain. SHAGGY: Like, who, Scoob? ...OH HER! Right. Sorry. Kinda out of my head right now... SNOW WHITE: [Feeling like she’s about to cry. Sitting.] Out of all people, why her? She still thinks she’s the fairest in the land. Why can’t she accept that I exist and forget all this jealousy between us? Even Dad told me I was more beautiful... and that was real, physical love... SHAGGY: Like, how did your dad end up knocking boots with that affront to women everywhere? I bet she’s as dried up as Shahan’s comedy... SNOW WHITE: (Emotional) Oh Dad, I miss you so much! You went to the co-op months ago – how bad can the service there possibly be?? (Gets on knees, looks down on stage) Scooby approaches Snow White SCOOBY: Don’t worry. We’re not going to kill you. Rou want some rice ream? That’s what Raggy said... SHAGGY: [In daydream mode] Oh right... yes, ice cream. And then we’re like totally gonna kill you! SNOW WHITE: [Scared] WHAT??? SHAGGY: Oh sorry, Snow White. I think me and Scoob decided to bail on that idea. Did we Scoob? SCOOBY: We don’t have the ralls... SNOW WHITE: That’s... good... I guess... SHAGGY: Like, you still want to get some ice cream? 9

SNOW WHITE: Oh right... Sure! Let’s go get some; I think there’s some over there (points to exit of stage) SHAGGY: What makes you say that, Snow White? SNOW WHITE: In that clearing is the only house in this forest. Whoever lives there may have ice cream! SCOOBY: Let’s go, Raggy! Ro White, read the way! SNOW WHITE: Aww thanks! [All begin to exit stage.] What was your name, by the way? SCOOBY: Scooby-DoobySHAGGY: No Scooby-Doo! Save that for the end of the show! [To Snow White] My name’s Shaggy, you can call me... Mmmmmm-ister Boombastic say me fantastic touch me in my back she says I'm MisterSCOOBY: Ro-roSNOW WHITE: -My God, that’s a terrible joke. All exit stage

10

SCENE 2b The two step-sisters enter stage, Snow Black (who is white), and Snow Patrol. SNOW BLACK: We are the ugly step sisters – My name’s Snow Black... And this here is Snow Patrol. SNOW PATROL: [Lying down.] If I lay hereSNOW BLACK: Get off the floor! SNOW PATROL: -If I just lay here. SNOW BLACK: What have I told you about lying on the floor? It’s dirty! SNOW PATROL: -Would you lie with me? SNOW BLACK: Get the fuck up! [Starts kicking Snow Patrol.] SNOW PAROL: -And just forget- Ow! Ow! [Gets up.] SNOW BLACK: We’re here because Shahan and Monty completely forgot to write in the classic panto ugly sisters. Not saying that we’re ugly, as such, but we’re just a little pissed off about being excluded from the main storyline – how do you feel, Snow Patrol? SNOW PATROL: I don’t quite know... How to say... How I feel. SNOW BLACK: You might have realised by now that my darling sister, Snow Patrol, has a mild brain tumour that means she can only communicate using lyrics from Snow Patrol songs. SNOW PATROL: This is the straw, final strawSHAHAN/MONTY: [Coming in] Hey – could you get off the stage, please? We have to get to the next scene... And we didn’t put you into the play. You know, for a purpose. You’re just not very funny. SNOW PATROL: I promise I’ll do anything you ask.... this time... [They exit.] 11

SCENE 3 The 6 Dwarfs are at home, comfortable. Sleazy, Lairy, Chavvy, Disney, Tourettesy, and Monty. Monty's reading a newspaper; Lairy is swigging wine, evidently drunk; Chavvy is swigging White Lightning, mate; Disney is playing with some Disney soft toys, Sleazy is reading pornography and having a sneaky wank; Tourrettesy is playing on a PSP. There is a Pause. TOURRETTESY: Ass. Ass shit cunt bugger. DISNEY: It's naughty to cuss! LAIRY: He can't help it, you twat. CHAVVY: Fockin' right, bruv. SLEAZY: Quiet, please, all of you! I'm trying to concentrate! LAIRY: Come off it, you've been concentrating for hours now – give it a rest. CHAVVY: Mate, that is well gash. SLEAZY: [Referring to magazine] Yes. Yes it is. DISNEY: What fun and adventures will we have today? TOURRETTESY: Cunt sandwich. Ass Gravy. DISNEY: ...Shall we all sing a jolly song? Hi-ho! HiTOURRETTESY: Ho! Ho! Whore. Slag. Warm shit in a ho's gash. LAIRY: We're not bloody singing, so shut up. CHAVVY: Yeah, mate – singin' is well gay. It's for proper bum boys. 12

SLEAZY: Don't say bum boys – I'm trying to concentrate!!! LAIRY: Let's just have another uneventful day in our shit little cottage, so I can drink my drink and forget I'm even here. Cheers, lads! Scooby, Shaggy, and Snow White walk in. SNOW WHITE: [Pause. The Dwarfs don't notice they're there] ...Hello? LAIRY: Fuck! A woman! DISNEY: A woman? SLEAZY: A woman!?!?! [Reaches climax] TOURRETTESY: Spermathon! Wank ass dysentery. SLEAZY: Aaaaaa-Fuck! I lost my concentration... LAIRY: Intruders! Get them! SCOOBY-ESQUE CHASE SCENE! The Dwarfs are shocked by the intruders, and chase Snow White, Shaggy, and Scooby around, in and out of entrances and such. Hilarity ensues and comedy music plays, either Benny Hill or some classic Scooby track. This is Scooby-Doo, folks! SHAGGY: Like, we’re not intruders, we’re just looking for some ice-cream, little dudes? LAIRY: Some what?!? SNOW WHITE: You know, ice cream – cream that's iced. SLEAZY: Baby, I got all the cream you need. DISNEY: I like ice cream! 13

TOURRETTESY: Ass floppy cock. SHAGGY: Hey! You're not little dudes – you're, like, the seven Dwarfs! SCOOBY: Roh, Raggy, you're right! You're so crever, Raggy... LAIRY: Well who the hell are you? SNOW WHITE: I'm Snow White. [All the Dwarfs take a long awkward glance to the audience] SHAGGY: I'm, like, Shaggy – you can call me mmmmm-mister boTOURRETTESY: Bom-Bastard! Bastard! Donkey Bastard! SHAGGY: Like, not cool, man. You don't know me well enough to call me names. LAIRY: He's got tourrettes, you asshole! SCOOBY: Roh, Raggy... TOURRETTESY: Gooch! Smegma! Where’s the Walrus Pit!? Twat! SHAGGY: Like, so sorry, dude. I'm Shaggy and this is my bumchum, Scooby Doo. SCOOBY: Scooby-DoobySHAGGY: Like, hold on, Scoob. Jesus, man. Wait for the end of the play. SNOW WHITE: And if you're the seven dwarfs, then you must be... [She points at each on as she says each Dwarf name.] Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Dopey, Doc, andLAIRY: [interrupting] Oh, great! Another person who thinks we're those fucking Disney characters! 14

DISNEY: OH MY GOD, I LOVE DISNEY! TOURRETTESY: Cunt! SHAGGY: Then, like, who are you all? The Dwarfs stand in a line. Lairy walks down the line, announcing each one. LAIRY: My name is Lairy, this is Chavvy. CHAVVY: What the fuck, mate? My name's Tyrone. LAIRY: For God's sake, Chavvy – you're not black, you're not G; you can't be called Tyrone. You live off benefits and your name is Chavvy. TOURRETTESY: Dick farts. LAIRY: Anyway, this is Chavvy. This is DisneyDISNEY: I LOVE DISNEY! HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! [nazi heil] LAIRY: [Hitting Disney] No! Bad! Bad Disney! ...Sorry, I get a little violent when I've been drinking. TOURRETTESY: Flange. LAIRY: Anyway! This is Disney, this is Tourrettesy. Tourrettesy's a mute, he can't talk. TOURRETTSY: Penis! Dingle Dangle Shlong Dong! Cunt! SHAGGY: ...Like, how's he mute? He's talking. LAIRY: That's not talking, that's tourrettes. Tourrettesy is a mute Dwarf with tourrettes.

15

SNOW WHITE: Makes sense. TOURRETTESY: Dick minge. LAIRY: ANYWAY! This is Tourretesy. This is Sleazy. SLEAZY: Au chanté [takes Snow White's hand and kisses it, then start licking her arm wildly whilst dryhumping her madly] SNOW WHITE: Argh! Sticky! Get him off! LAIRY: Off, Sleazy, you pervy little shite! SLEAZY: So sorry, really I am. I just... You know... Really want to have sex with you. LAIRY: Right, so that's Sleazy, this is Monty. MONTY: Hello. LAIRY: And we are the seven Dwarfs! SNOW WHITE: [counting them off] Lairy, Chavvy, Disney, Tourrettesy, Sleazy, Monty- there's only six of you! The dwarfs all look shocked, and begin to cry mournfully, comforting each other. Tourrettesy swears through his crying. Sleazy steps forward, holding his hat to his chest. SLEAZY: It's... It's Suicidey, he... DISNEY: ...Last week... he... LAIRY: ...His cancer finally got the best of him. SLEAZY: Why, God, why?!?! Why did Suicidey have to have cancer?!? 16

SHAGGY: Like, dude, we're sorry for your loss. SCOOBY: Reah, really rorry. SHAGGY: But, like, have you guys got any food in this place at all? I'm hungry. SCOOBY: Reah, me too. SNOW WHITE: And my evil stepmother has been trying to kill me lately, can I live with you just for a little whiSLEAZY: Yes! Oh God, yes! ...You can share my bed! LAIRY: Down, boy! But yes, sure – we have plenty of food and two spare rooms. Stay as long as you need to! SNOW WHITE: Bless you. SCOOBY: Rank you rery ruch! TOURRETTESY: Cock. Bacon wrapped around a throbbing member. DISNEY: Let's all go to bed now, because it's way past our beddy-bye time, and this scene has gone on long enough! CHAVVY: Yeah, mate – but I didn't have enough lines, though. LAIRY: You idiot – you're an unemployed greasy cretin – you don't deserve lines. SHAGGY: Scoob and I used to do lines, back when we were still in the mystery machine with the others... Boy I sure miss them. SCOOBY: Rell, Raggy – rou shouldn't rave run over rat old man routside the ro-op.

17

SNOW WHITE: Outside the where? SCOOBY: Routside the- [realises what he's saying] revermind. SHAGGY: Oh, yeah... Let's like, get off this topic and go to bed. SLEAZY: Brilliant idea! TOURRETTESY: Vaginal Discharge! SLEAZY: Oh, Tourrettesy, I love it when you talk dirty. All exit. End of scene.

18

SCENE 4 The Stepmother is alone. STEPMOTHER: Now that I've sent her away to her death, I'm pleased as poisoned punch! LOLOLOLOLOLOL! The Woodsman enters. WOODSMAN: Hello in there? Anyone about? STEPMOTHER: [surprising him] Who are you and what do you want?!? WOODSMAN: Why, I'm the hunky new Woodsman; I start here today! STEPMOTHER: ...What? WOODSMAN: I'm the hunky new Woodsman, of course. Behold my throbbing axe. STEPMOTHER: The Woodsman? THE WOODSMAN!?!? Oh no! Then, who did I send that little Bitch away with?!?! WOODSMAN: ...I'm sorry, I have no idea what you mean. STEPMOTHER: Argh!! Mirror! Mirror! Where the hell are you, Mirror, you bastard! MIRROR: [Entering] What? What do you want, you old cow? STEPMOTHER: Mirror, Mirror, you thick twoddle, who is Britain's next Top Model? MIRROR: Oh! I have to use my magic, right... A-hem... OoooOOOooo! OooOOooOh! The mirror gets out his blackberry and starts browsing, still “Oooo-ing”. WOODSMAN: ...What's he doing?

19

STEPMOTHER: That's my magic hi-def mirror – he's using his magic to find out who's the fairest of them all. WOODSMAN: [peeking over Mirror's shoulder] ...Rate my Fairy-tale Bitches dot com? Is that an iPhone? MIRROR: Fuck off! ...it's a Blackberry. Oh, umm... A MaaaaaAAaaagic Blackberry! OooSTEPMOTHER: So, who is it, Mirror?!?! MIRROR: Oh! Yes, right... Snow White. Yup – still Snow White. STEPMOTHER: Are you sure?? MIRROR: Well, I could check imdb, if you really want me toSTEPMOTHER: Blast! Blast! Damn, Curses, and... fuck. Right, well – never trust a man to do a woman's job. [pulls out a Poisoned Apple from between her legs, sniffs it] Yup – that's pretty poisoned. Oi, Mirror! MIRROR: Yes, you old fruit? STEPMOTHER: Mirror, Mirror, on the- fuck it- Where's Snow White? MIRROR: ...Hang on, let me find out... With my... magic... Ooooo... WOODSMAN: [Peering again] ...Google maps?? MIRROR: She's at a Dwarf's Cottage south of here. STEPMOTHER: ...South of here? MIRROR: Yup. STEPMOTHER: ...Will I have to walk through Easton? 20

MIRROR: [checking] Mmm... no, it's just before Easton – in Eastville Park, by Tescos. STEPMOTHER: Thank God. Right, I'm off. I'll be back in a bit. [exits] WOODSMAN: ...What's so wrong with Easton? MIRROR: Same reason she wants her stepdaughter dead. WOODSMAN: ...What's that? MIRROR: She's racist. WOODSMAN: Oh, that makes sense. The two exit, Sleazy walks on stage. SLEAZY: God, I love going dogging in the dead of night. I hear someone coming, it's probably my 'first date' – I'll hide behind this bush and surprise 'em. [hides] STEPMOTHER: [entering, not noticing Sleazy. She peers into the distance, and sees the Cottage, she points] The Dwarf's Cottage! SLEAZY: [appearing from his hiding place] Yes, we certainly do! [Hold until someone in the audience gets it and laughs or applauses] Hi, Ho! STEPMOTHER: Argh!! Where the frak did you come from? SLEAZY: Any orifice you want, baby. STEPMOTHER: Eugh... Maybe later. Tell me, tiny man. Do you live in that cottage over there? SLEAZY: Hey, hey, remember: never give out personal details on your first dogging.

21

STEPMOTHER: Dogging? Oh- Oooh!! Right. Um... Oh! If you take this apple and put it in the fruit bowl in that cottage's kitchen, then... I'll let you do me up the arse. SLEAZY: RIGHTAWAY! Sleazy snatches the apple and runs off. The Stepmother sits down and waits for a while. She checks her watch, waits, and then looks at the audience. STEPMOTHER: What? Were you expecting me to trick the little bastard and run away as soon as he took the apple away? Honestly, I mean be evil, but I keep my promises. My mother always said it was alright to have sex with a retarded dwarf, but I should never befriend them. I asked her why, she said “Because it’s not big and it’s not clever!” –See, I’m funny, too... Fuck off, I am. Sleazy returns. SLEAZY: Phew! All done! I grabbed some extra lube while I was there. STEPMOTHER: Brilliant. [gets on her knees in front of him] Oh, wait. [looks at audience] Shall we go somewhere a little more... private? Where's a good place to shag? SLEAZY: The bar? STEPMOTHER: To the bar! Bar! Bar! Bar! Bar! Bar! Bar! Bar! They exit to the bar. End Scene.

22

SCENE 5 Shaggy enters stage SHAGGY: [To audience] Oh man! I’ve got the munchies something chronic. [pause] Any stoners out there get that last joke? [[Yes – “Wanna go out and roll a fat one in the interval?”]] [[No – “Ah, fuck you students with your bursaries.”]] Hey, where’s my dog? Like, Scooby Doo... Where are you? [No response] SNOW WHITE: [Entering] Shhh...! It’s twelve to five in the morning, everyone’s asleep – even Scooby! SHAGGY: Well; let sleeping dogs lie. SNOW WHITE: What are you doing up anyway? SHAGGY: I’m, like, killer hungry, man. Just looking for some food, you know? SNOW WHITE: ...Then what’re you doing in the laundry room? SHAGGY: Is that where I am? Shit, I’m so high right now. SNOW WHITE: I just found this lovely shiny apple in the kitchen [takes it out of a pocket / between her bewbs] I was gonna eat it, but then I remembered that my own step mother is trying to kill me, and I kinda lost my appetite... SHAGGY: Sweet! You know, Daphne used to give me food that she’d made for herself. She’d always eat it, then just throw it straight up for some reason – so I told her it’d be, like, more beneficial to just give me the food. SNOW WHITE: Well, here you go! Enjoy! [gives him the apple] SHAGGY: Like, killer! [bites] Woah, this apple is, like, so good! Anyone wanna try it? Shaggy goes into audience, offering a bite. He’s saying things like ‘Try it! – It’s better than sex... not that you’d know what that’s like’, and other such funny things. He eventually collapses over the lap of someone in the audience; poisoned. Snow White is shocked and frightened. Sleazy comes from the bar, passes Shaggy, says ‘Phwoar – get in!’ or something of that nature to the unfortunate audience member, then goes onto the stage. 23

SLEAZY: Morning, Snow White! What’re you doing up at this time of the- ...Wait, don’t tell me you’re looking for a little big-bit of the big little-man? SNOW WHITE: Shut up, you little freak! Shaggy just got poisoned!! SLEAZY: [To Shaggy’s audience member] Poison?? ...Oooh, you’re a kinky one! [gestures ‘Call me!’] SNOW WHITE: No! Really poisoned, by an apple meant for me, that I found in the fruit bowl in the kitchen! SLEAZY: Apple... In the fruit... Bowl.... !! Oh, shit. SNOW WHITE: What? SLEAZY: Some sexy old bint told me to put that apple there! SNOW WHITE: Sexy old bint?!?! My evil Stepmother!!! Help! Help! Everyone! Disney, Monty, Tourrettesy, Chavvy, and Scooby come running in. TOURRETTESY: Pulsating dick vein! Ass rimmer! ...Cock! SNOW WHITE: ...I’m so glad you’re here! Shaggy’s been poisoned! SCOOBY: Raggy?!?! Roisoned!?!? DISNEY: Oh, no! CHAVVY: That’s well gay! DISNEY: That’s terrible! TOURRETTESY: Fuck! 24

DISNEY: Wait guys, don’t forget – there’s always someone we fairytale characters can call on for help! CHAVVY: The Student Advisors in Canon Kitson...? Pause, followed by everyone laughing their hearts out at the utterly ridiculous suggestion. DISNEY: Don’t be so utterly ridiculous! We call on Prince Charming! He’ll save the day! SCOOBY: Rince Rarming? DISNEY: Who’s got his number? CHAVVY: I do, on my Nokia, mate! [Takes out a Nokia and finds Prince Charming on his address book] SNOW WHITE: ...Who saw that coming? Chavvy has a Nokia. CHAVVY: ...Fuck off. A phone rings from the audience; it’s Prince Charming’s phone! He’s been in the audience all along!! He takes it out and answers it. CHARMING: -Hello? Prince Charming; rescuer of Damsels, Maidens, Wenches, and the like? Who’s this? CHAVVY: Prince! Maaaate! It’s Chavvy! CHARMING: Oh, Chavvy, my fine fellow – how d’ee? Got that ounce you owe me? Ha! Just kidding, bruv – I know you’re safe. How can I help you? CHAVVY: Things are well bad, bruvv – dis one stoner, right, OD’ed on some magic apple or some shit, and now this S’No White bitch is well upset. SNOW WHITE: ...I’m not a bitch... CHARMING: Snow White, eh? Is she pretty? 25

SNOW WHITE: Yeeeeah, bruv. Well fit. CHARMING: Charming. I’d love to come and help, but I’m stuck watching some dire student pantomime at the minute. Can’t think of a way I could get out – my ghastly friends brought me. CHAVVY: Naaaw, mate, I’ve got an idea, yeah? Just make like you shit yerself, yeah? Then, they’d want you to go, and they’d be all sympathetic and shit. CHARMING: ...Alright, worth a shot, I suppose. [Hangs up. Pretends he just shat himself] Oh, Knickers! [To the audience member he’s next to] Terribly sorry, matey – but it looks as though I just went splat in my undergarments! [sniffs] Nyes, yes – definitely fowled myself. Must dash! Prince Charming gets up and runs out the room, along the outer corridor, and onto the stage. SNOW WHITE: That was fast! CHARMING: Not to worry, your dazzling Prince Charming is here to- [he notices that the audience are there] Oh, bugger. Chavvy, these are the lovely people I just shat myself in front of? SNOW WHITE: Shat yourself in front of? CHARMING: Well, yes. Terribly embarrassed now. CHAVVY: ... [sniffs] Aww! Rank, mate! Nah, nah, nah! I told you to pretend you shat yerself! CHARMING: ...What? ...OH, SUPER! SO NOW MY UNDERBITS ARE UNNECCESSARILY SOAKING IN MYTOURRETTESY: Bubbling soup of ripe shit. CHARMING: Yes, precisely. SNOW WHITE: Enough of the scatological humour, PLEASE?! We need someone to help save the day! CHARMING: Not to worry, sweet Damsel! I’m here to give you true love’s kiss! 26

SNOW WHITE: Not me, you ignorant toff! Shaggy! The long-haired freak down there! CHARMING: Ah-ha! So there’s my Damsel now! [Leaps offstage, lifts Shaggy onto the stage, lies him down, gets down beside him, and begins puckering up] Not to worry, sleeping one, I shall rouse you with the power of my luscious ki- Wait... Hang on... This is a man!! SNOW WHITE: Well yes, it is! CHARMING: Oh, but... You don’t understand... I’m not... you know... gay... or anything. DISNEY: Well, no, you don’t have to be. CHARMING: ...But that’s another man, I can’t... You know... kiss him... SCOOBY: R’oh no! Raggy! CHARMING: Look, I’m a Prince! I’m here to kiss girls – it’s wrong for a straight man to kiss another man! SNOW WHITE: Oh, no it isn’t! CHARMING: Oh, yes it is! EVERYONE: [gaining support] OH, NO IT ISN’T!!! CHARMING: [also trying to gain support] OH, YES IT IS! EVERYONE: OH, NO IT ISN’T!! CHARMING: OH, YES IT IS! EVERYONE: OH, NO IT ISN’T!! CHARMING: OH, YES IT IS! 27

EVERYONE: OH, NO IT ISN’T! CHARMING: OH, YES ITLairy enters stage looking sleepy, hungover, and absolutely worse for wear. LAIRY: WOULD YOU PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!? I AM SO FUCKING HUNGOVER RIGHT NOW, AND IT’S FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING, AND ALL I CAN FUCKING HEAR AS I’M TRYING TO GET TO SLEEP IS A BARRAGE OF CHILDISH FUCKING PANTO-BABBLE!!! DISNEY: Lairy is very rude, but also right. Let’s sleep on it and get back on board after an interval. SCOOBY: Rinterval? About rucking rime!! Rave a rood rinterval, rolks!! COMMENTATOR 1: [Voiceover, with whistle sound effect.] At the end of the first half of this performance, this really has been one of the all-time classic pantomimes. We only get them once a year, and the team-play from both sides so far has been fantastic. COMMENTATOR A: Sure, they’re doing Snow White at the Hippodrome as well, but let’s face it – the DramaSoc’s production is just a heck of a lot funnier. And what a spectacular first half. Scooby and Shaggy meeting the evil Stepmother; the shocking discovery that Snow White is actually black; the substitution of the classic formation of the Seven Dwarfs for six very much problem-riddled doppelgangers! COMMENTATOR 1: You have to admit, the hi-def magic mirror is the one to watch in the second half; there’s something not quite transparent about him, and it really reflects his performance. The introduction of a Prince Charming, followed by the shock reveal of his frankly homophobic comments, oh my! I see definite problems arising from his action on the pitch today, especially considering how gay both football and drama really are. COMMENTATOR A: I wonder if Shaggy will recover in the second half. Well, for those who know this story vaguely, you can only imagine what an exciting second half we’ll have. I suggest the panto will resume in about 20 minutes, so we’ll see you then, or if you are Sky customer, press the red button now to watch University of Bristol vs UWE Bristol Varsity – for highlights, Bristol Uni students check your iPhone app, UWE students check blackboard! COMMENTATOR 1: I’m off for a slash. [End voiceover – end first half.] 28

ACT TWO SCENE 6 The Evil Stepmother is alone. STEPMOTHER: [After a while of audience silence] ...I’m alone. Very, very alone. Maybe I shouldn’t have had every one of my staff killed for getting rid of the 24 hour window...? Where’s that bloody Woodsman, and my useless bloody mirror – I want to know if I’m the fairest yet! [Scratching] ...Oh, that Dwarf didn’t half make me itch... WOODSMAN: [Entering, with logs] I’ve got morning wood! STEPMOTHER: ...Wonderful. Have you seen my Mirror anywhere? WOODSMAN: Yes, he’s on his way now, I was just with him – yesterday he gave me some of his wood, so I gave him some of my wood this morning. Stepmother mouths as if to comment on the Woodsman’s sexual innuendo, but gives up exhaustively. The Mirror enters, with a chique hat on. STEPMOTHER: ...And where have you been? WOODSMAN: Just had to watch a bit of Gok Wan online. STEPMOTHER: Gok Wan? GOK WAN?!? Jesus, I thought I was vein. Anyway – Mirror, Mirror, you failed actor, tell me who’s got the X Factor? MIRROR: ...Oh yeah. [Looks at Blackberry] No way! STEPMOTHER: What?!? What?!?! MIRROR: I just got poked. WOODSMAN: No way! On your phone, that’s so cool!

29

STEPMOTHER: For God’s sake! If you don’t tell me who’s the fairest of them all RIGHT NOW, I swear I’m about to get seven years bad luck! MIRROR: Alright! Alright! ...It’s Snow White. STEPMOTHER: What?!! The Poisoned Apple didn’t work?!?!?! WOODSMAN: ...Did you give it to her? STEPMOTHER: What? WOODSMAN: Just... you gave it to her, right? Like, made sure she was definitely going to eat it? STEPMOTHER: ...Well yes, yes, of course. WOODSMAN: And you watched her eat it...? You didn’t ask someone else to give it to her? STEPMOTHER: ....No? The Woodsman and Mirror look at each other with a ‘yeah right!’ face. WOODSMAN: And you definitely, positivelySTEPMOTHER: Yes! Yes, alright! Yes! Eugh – Whatever! Whoever’s fault it is, let’s forget about it. Woodsman! You go kill her! WOODSMAN: What? Why me? STEPMOTHER: Well, because you’re my Woodsman, you do my bidding. MIRROR: So you just assumed this man would kill for you because you pay him to cut down trees. You assumed that this man, a tree surgeon by nature, will become an assassin at your will? ...That’s pretty fucked up, your highness.

30

STEPMOTHER: Oh, shit – then who can I send to kill her now? WOODSMAN: Woah, woah – I never said I wouldn’t do it. MIRROR: What?!?! WOODSMAN: Fuck you, Mirror, you don’t know me. MIRROR: Despite being a mirror, am I the only normal person here? WOODSMAN: I shall do your bidding, m’lady. And because of my bloodlust, I’ll kill every single one of those 7 Dwarfs when I get there! Both the Mirror and the Stepmother suddenly go really awkward. STEPMOTHER: ...There aren’t seven dwarfs... Not any more... MIRROR: [Holding his hat to his chest] ...It’s... Suicidey, he... STEPMOTHER: -The Doctors didn’t catch the cancer in time. MIRROR: Why, God, WHY?!?! He was a prince among Dwarfs! A PRINCE!! WOODSMAN: ...I’ll be off then. STEPMOTHER: Right – let me know how it goes! The Woodsman exits speedily. MIRROR: [Checking his phone] Oh, no way! STEPMOTHER: ...Who poked you now?

31

MIRROR: No, no – I’m on twitter – ‘TheRealPrinceCharming’ just tweeted that he’s at the Dwarf’s Cottage right now! Isn’t that weird? STEPMOTHER: Not, THE Prince Charming?!? MIRROR: Yup – THE Prince Charming. STEPMOTHER: He used to be a fellow klan member! Oh god, how he hated gay people. We had a whirlwind romance back in the Klu Klux Kamp... But when the summer was over, we both went back to our different lives... Oh... I’ll never forget the first time I saw him... Or the last... Oh no! If the Woodsman is going to kill everyone at the Cottage... My sweet Prince!! The Stepmother runs offstage. MIRROR: ...I do not understand that woman. You know what? Fuck this job – I’m going to go lie underneath teenagers wearing skirts. [exit.] End Scene.

32

SCENE 7a Scooby and Snow White enter stage. Snow White is dragging along Shaggy on stage, who is placed in the middle SNOW WHITE: Scooby, it’s been hours now since Shaggy was poisoned... SCOOBY: Really? It feels like it was only roo renes ago! SNOW WHITE: Has he ever been so out like this before? SCOOBY: Roh, not Raggy. But ronce, I ate a randwhich so rig, it ruptured my romach, and Raggy rave me Ree-P-R, to rake me up. Raggy, my rero... The Dwarfs all begin coming in as Snow White talks. SNOW WHITE: But now there’s nobody here who will save him, as I’m the only woman here, and I’m too scared of the froth that’s been foaming around his mouth to even try to kiss him... Besides, if I did it, it wouldn’t be true love anyway. SLEAZY: -It would be more like Freshers’ Week, when you get off with as many people as possible in the first few days, knowing that university’s all about ambiguous loving, but then you soon find out that someone you got off with is your lecturer for the next year... LAIRY: ...Dude, really? SLEAZY: ...Yeah... DISNEY: Hang on, fellas! I’ve got an idea! I’m the Disney fan, I’m the purest of heart and body – if I kiss Shaggy, it’ll be my first kiss, and if that’s not true love, I don’t know what is! SNOW WHITE: It’s worth a shot! DISNEY: Here goes! Disney bends down to kiss Shaggy. Romantic music (Tchaikovsky’s Romeo & Juliet) begins to flourish. She wipes off his mouth first. Goes for it again, but it doesn’t work. Music dies. 33

TOURRETTESY: Dick wiggling rubber cunt flap. DISNEY: But I don’t understand – I’m the purest; most virginal! SLEAZY: Like fuck you are – we’ve all seen the photos on the internet, you slag! TOURRETTESY: Vanessa Anne Hudgens is a desperate whore! Miley Cyrus is a little slut with a big mouth! CHARMING: [entering] Yaaaaawn! That was a terrible night’s sleep! SNOW WHITE: You’re still here? CHARMING: I have my reasons for staying [winks at Disney with a point and an obvious click]. CHAVVY: [To Disney] You slaaaaag. DISNEY: He’s a Charming Prince and we’re very much in love! CHARMING: ...What? We are? Oh no, darling – I just enjoyed the benefits of a dwarf companion! SLEAZY: Ah, the ol’ Sit-and-Spin... CHARMING: Exactly! [Does the same wink, point and click, but this time at Sleazy] Anyhoo – I intend to leave shortly, I have no further business here, and the world is full of damsels to save and wicked evil people to vanquish! ...And perhaps... One day... I’ll find my true love once more... SCOOBY: But rot arout Raggy?!?!?! CHARMING: You’re on your own there, pup! Face it – this drug-riddled loser will never find true love, let alone true love’s first kiss! SCOOBY: Ro!!! Robody’s going to repl Raggy – I know rot I rust roo.

34

CHARMING: ...What? SCOOBY: Reverbody! [Comes centre-stage] ...I’m RAY! LAIRY: ...Ray? I thought your name was Scooby. CHAVVY: Y’alright, Ray? SCOOBY: Ro! MY rame’s not Ray – I’M ray! CHARMING: Hello, Ray. SCOOBY: RO!! Not ‘Ray’! ...I’m RAY – I rike REN! DISNEY: Who’s Wren? SNOW WHITE: A Wren is a bird. CHARMING: A bird? SLEAZY: That’s kinky, Ray – I like it. SCOOBY: RROOOO!!! Not ‘Wren’! I rike RICK! Rig, froppy rick! CHAVVY: You like Rick? DISNEY: I thought you liked Wren... SNOW WHITE: Poor Wren, she’ll be heartbroken. TOURRETTESY: Sperm-splattered cunt!

35

SCOOBY: For the ROVE of ROD! CHARMING: Rod? ...Rick? Wait a minute... Those are... Guy’s names!! Scooby Doo, are you... gay?!? SCOOBY: Res!!! Res!!!! I’m RAY! CHAVVY: Batty boy! Batty boy! SCOOBY: Rut up! I’m romorexual, and I rove Raggy. Onry my riss can rave him... SNOW WHITE: Then go ahead, Scooby! DISNEY: Save Shaggy with the power of your love! SLEAZY: Yeah – give him one from me! CHARMING: Well, I’m certainly not sticking around to watch a blatant display of poofery. It’s an affront to nature, it’s immoral, and it’s quite frankly disgusti-! TOURRETTESY: Well then, what the fuck are you waiting for? Fuck right off, you homophobe! Fuck right off with your prejudice and hate. Fuck you and your intolerance! Fuck off into the fucking magical fucking forest – I hope you fucking get raped by a fucking tree! CHARMING: [About to break into tears, the big flower] ...Charming! [Runs off stage like a wimp] SLEAZY: ...Tourrettesy... You spoke. TOURRETTESY: Yes I fucking did. I couldn’t take any more of his gay bashing in my house. LAIRY: ...Suicidey would be proud... The Dwarfs remove their hats and hold them to their chests for a fleeting second. DISNEY: ...Are you gay then, Tourrettesy? 36

TOURRETTESY: You don’t have to be gay to support homosexuality, Disney. You should understand this most of all – I mean, I know you’re straight, but you’re Disney... and Disney’s pretty gay. SNOW WHITE: This is all wonderful and poignant, everyone, but we seem to be neglecting Shaggy again. DISNEY: Huh! True love’s first kiss! I love this bit!! SCOOBY: Raggy... Raggy... rou remember the rime when rou rave me Ree-P-R after I had rassed out? I rought I was roing to rie then. I raw my rife rash refore my reyes, and rou were alrays there for re. You have alrays reen there for re when I reeded it, and row... I’m here for rou. They say ronly rue rove’s rirst riss can reak the spell. And although you reuteured re, I still rink of rou revery waking rour of the ray... Raggy, I’m ray for you. I’m romoerexual for rou. I’m a rag, a reer, a roof. I’m your ritch, raby! Scooby begins to go for the kiss. Tchaikovsky comes in once more, this time not fizzling out, as Scooby licks Shaggy all over the face – he is a dog, after all. Shaggy eventually wakes up. SHAGGY: Scoob! Old friend, old buddy, old pal! SCOOBY: Raggy! SHAGGY: So what did it take to, like, get me back? SCOOBY: [Proudly] True rove’s rirst riss! SHAGGY: Like, cool, Scoob... But who was it that kissed me? Who’s my true love? SCOOBY: [More proudly]. It was re, Raggy! Re! SHAGGY: ...ZOINKS! SCOOBY: I’ve reen wanting to rell you for rears!

37

SHAGGY: But dude, this is a BROmance! You know I’m like, not gay. Don’t you remember that I had a girlfriend, Mary Jane, in that movie we did a few years ago? SCOOBY: She was ratently a ruffruncher! SHAGGY: But I believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! I believe in Torvill and Dean, not...er, Torvill, and Dean! Scoob, like.... I’m not gay! SCOOBY: Roh... [Really self-pitying] Ri see... Rou don’t rove me, like I rove rou... DWARFS: [Trying to rile an audience response] Awwwwwww!!! SNOW WHITE: Don’t worry, Scooby – I’m sure one day, the right man for you will just run into your life! Woodsman enters on stage, ready to fuck shit up. WOODSMAN: Any of you fucking pricks move, and I’ll execute every motherfucking last one of ya! DWARFS: Aaaaaaaagh! SNOW WHITE: Who are you? WOODSMAN: I’m the Woodsman! SHAGGY: Oh, like, YOU’RE the Woodsman. Like, Snow White – this is the guy that your Stepmother was supposed to send to kill you. SNOW WHITE: What? Oh, no! Wait, wait, can’t we come to an arrangement or something? WOODSMAN: No! I’ve got to kill you! And nothing’s going to stop me! Not you, not your... children... Not that stoner, and not that- [Looks at Scooby for the first time] dog... The Woodsman sees Scooby. Scooby looks back at him. True love. SCOOBY: Rello there, rig roy! 38

WOODSMAN: My god... I... I... I... [looks down] Got Wood? [Approaching Scooby, then stroking his back] I say, that’s one fine coat you’ve got. You must be a wiener, because you’re a hot dog! SCOOBY: Me...a wiener? Rooooooooooooh! SHAGGY: Man, I could go for a hot dog right now – oh, but not you, Scoob. Sorry, pal. SCOOBY: Ron’t rorry, Raggy – I ron’t rink I reed rou any rore – I’ve round a real ran! WOODSMAN: Say, puppy dog, how would you like to be my “best friend”? SCOOBY: Scooby-DoobySHAGGY: No, Scoob! Don’t do that just yet! WOODSMAN: Don’t listen to him Scoob! You can do anything you want... With me!! SCOOBY: Roh! WOODSMAN: [Bemused by Scooby’s speech impediment] Come on boy, let’s go find somewhere to practice bestiality and homosexuality at the same time! Wwwww-woof! Woodsman and Scooby exit. SHAGGY: Well, I like, lost my one and only compadre... But at least he’s happy. [Offstage, we hear the Woodsman and Scooby making love] And making sweet, sweet love. DWARFS: Yeah... LAIRY: Wait a minute... They’ve gone into our bedroom!! DISNEY: Not on my Hannah Montana sheets! SLEAZY: Yeah, not on her Hannah Montana sheets! –I ain’t missing this!! Lol. 39

The Dwarfs all run offstage. Only Shaggy and Snow White remain. SHAGGY: So... Snow... What’re you going to do now? SNOW WHITE: Let’s see, my stepmother still wants me dead, the Prince I was supposed to get with has run off, I’m still stuck here with the Dwarfs in their cottage, and I have only a stoner for company. SHAGGY: Like, you wanna... Go do it? The bar’s just over there. SNOW WHITE: Ewwww, no way. You probably have lice or herpes or something! SHAGGY: ...And what if I do? SNOW WHITE: Anyway, I’ve already got a hot date for tonight! SHAGGY: Like, who? TOURRETTESY: [Entering.] Come on, babe – How about some cream on that hot chocolate? SNOW WHITE: Where can we create such a hot, steamy beverage? TOURRETTESY: There’s only one place I know of... SNOW WHITE and TOURRETTESY: BAR! BAR! BAR! BAR! BAR! BAR! BAR! SNOW WHITE: See you later, Shaggy!! [Exits with Tourrettesy]

40

SCENE 7b SHAGGY: Like, great. What can I do now? I’ve got nobody... Hey – anyone in the audience got any weed? Anyone? No? What the hell, guys – I thought you were students... Any lecturers out there? Hm? You got any weed? ...Ah, hell... I guess I’ll just wait here for everyone to get back. Then again, the Stepmother is still out there, and she knows my face, so I’m probably not safe alone. You guys will let me know if she’s behind me, right? Yeah? Good. Just go “she’s behind you”, or something like that. The Stepmother comes running in, sees Shaggy; but he doesn’t see her. She begins to do a very stagey tip-toe up to him. Hopefully, the audience will go ‘She’s behind you!’. SHAGGY: [If audience respond, he goes ‘What?’ then gets clubbed on the head] [If they don’t respond, the Stepmother must still club him on the head] Like, Jinkies! [Falls unconscious] STEPMOTHER: LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Got the fucker. Now then, where’s my Prince Charming? Oh, he’s not around; what if that idiot Woodsman got to him before I could? WOODSMAN: [Offstage] Oh, yeah! Take that! And THAT! Oh, take it! STEPMOTHER: That’s the Woodsman, and it sounds like he’s killing someone! Oh, I hope it’s not my Prince! DISNEY: [Offstage] Stop! Stop! For the love of GOD, Stop!! LAIRY: [Offstage] It’s horrible! Horrible!! When will it end? CHAVVY: [Offstage] Mate! What’s he doing with that axe? SCOOBY: [Offstage] Ru-oh! [Pause.] DWARFS: [Offstage] AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!! STEPMOTHER: Oh, it sounds as though I’m too late – he’s killing them all! Oh, how tragic! Oh, my life is ruined! Oh, my love! Oh! Oh... Oh... Oh, what the fuck! [To the audience] That dog couldn’t get a kiss, and you all go ‘AWWWW’, and here I am, bleeding out my bastard heart for you people, and what do I get? Absolute bollocks! Well, thankyouverymuch! Some crazy axewielding maniac is in there right now, possibly penetrating the one I love with his tool! 41

WOODSMAN: [Offstage] And get ready for... THIS! SCOOBY: [Offstage] Oh, Reeeeeeeeeah!!!!! SLEAZY: [Offstage] Ba-da-bap-ba-ba – I’m loving it! STEPMOTHER: ...Wait, what? CHARMING: [Running in] My love! It is you! I was just out in the woods when I saw you run by, and knew it was my love from all those years ago! STEPMOTHER: Oh, my Prince!! My, how you’ve changed – you’re gorgeous! I remember you being absolutely repulsive! CHARMING: And my sickly sweet love – how you... haven’t changed at all! STEPMOTHER: I was beautiful then, and I’m beautiful now? CHARMING: ...Yeah, let’s say that! STEPMOTHER: C’mere and give me a kiss! CHARMING: Mmmmmm-maybe later!! Hey – what’ve you done to that little homo? STEPMOTHER: Knocked him out! CHARMING: Marvellous! STEPMOTHER: So, Charming – what are you doing here? CHARMING: That stoner needed a Prince to wake him up – him and his gay little dog are the reason I’m here, my love! 42

STEPMOTHER: His dog’s gay? SCOOBY: [Offstage – reaching climax] Roh-Roh! ROH! ROOBY DOOBY DOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! CHARMING: What the hell was that?!?! STEPMOTHER: I have no idea! But I think someone’s coming! CHARMING: Hide! Charming and Stepmother crawl underneath Shaggy’s limp body. Everyone returns to stage. The Dwarfs and Snow White look disgusted, Shaggy and the Woodsman are flourished. Sleazy looks happy with himself. LAIRY: That was disgusting. SNOW WHITE: Why did we stay and watch? WOODSMAN: You loved it. SLEAZY: Hell yeah! DISNEY: I died a little on the inside. SNOW WHITE: Oh no! Shaggy’s out again! He must’ve eaten the apple... again! Scooby – kiss him awake! SCOOBY: Nu-uh – no ray! It wouldn’t work now that I know he doesn’t rove me! Chavvy starts rootling through Shaggy’s body. LAIRY: What the fuck are you doing, Chavvy? CHAVVY: Mate, if he’s not gonna wake up, he’s not gonna need his phone or wallet, you get me?

43

DISNEY: That’s terrible. CHAVVY: You wanna kiss him again, you slag? Chavvy is victorious and continues rootling. He accidentally starts feeling the Stepmother and Prince Charming hidden underneath Shaggy. Chavvy looks confused. SLEAZY: What’s the matter? Have you... felt something... strange? Lol. CHAVVY: Yeah... it feels as though he’s got... An extra set of bollocks, just hereAt this, The Stepmother gives out a yelp, as it was her bollocks that were squeezed. CHAVVY: Argh! Did you hear that? Another squeeze, another Stepmother response. LAIRY: It sounds like Shaggy’s making noises! SCOOBY: Raggy? Are rou rokay?? CHAVVY: Hang on, maybe he’ll wake up if I... Chavvy squeezes hard – Stepmother’s face is in pain, she jumps out from under Shaggy. STEPMOTHER: Oh! Oh! Jesus! Oh, that really hurt!! Ooooww!!! Jesus!!! SNOW WHITE: Oh no! My evil Stepmother! DWARFS: Aaaaaaaaagh! SCOOBY: Rave me, Ruvverboy! WOODSMAN: Oi! You! Evil bint – don’t you dare hurt my darling puppy dog, or his friends!

44

STEPMOTHER: No! You don’t understand! I no longer need to kill you! SNOW WHITE: Why not? STEPMOTHER: I only wanted to remain the fairest of the land to make sure that one day when my Prince came, he would fall for me all over again. CHARMING: [Also appearing from beneath Shaggy] And I have! STEPMOTHER: So now I can’t give a shit about who’s prettier – I get the sexy hunk in the end! Yippee! LAIRY: [To Sleazy] So – those two? SLEAZY: [To Lairy] Oh yeah. LAIRY: [To Sleazy] But didn’t you...? SLEAZY [To Lairy] –Yup – tapped that. Lol. SNOW WHITE: So... we’re cool? CHARMING: Yeah. Seems like a Happily Ever After to me! Everyone nods in agreement. Shaggy is still unconscious on the floor. SNOW WHITE: Haha! It all seems so silly now that you were actually trying to KILL me! STEPMOTHER: Hahaha, yes – and I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for that pesky stoner and his meddlesome dog! Whilst everyone is LOLOLOLOLOL-ing and joking away, Chavvy takes out a knife, cuts Shaggy’s throat, finds his wallet, and runs off with it after dumping his corpse off the stage. Suddenly, a pair of spooky ghosts run onstage. The group are at first frightened. CHARMING: Oh no! A spooky ghost! 45

DWARFS: Aaaaaaaaagh! SNOW WHITE: Those are no ghosts! [Steps forward] SCOOBY: Ri’ve seen arot of rhosts in my rime, and rose are not rhosts! DISNEY: Nut roasts? SCOOBY: Roh! Rot rhosts! Rhosts!! RoooOOOooOOOOh! CHARMING: Ah! A spooky ghost! Snow White and Scooby unveil the two ghosts as being the step sisters. SNOW WHITE: It’s my ugly step-sisters, Snow Black and Snow Patrol! SNOW BLACK: Who’re you calling ugly? We just want a part in the play! Seriously, we’ll do anything! SLEAZY: So, you’re essentially whores? SNOW BLACK: Essentially, yes. But we’d rather not... LAIRY: Now you mention it, I could use a light? SNOW PATROL: [Lighting the ciggie.] Light up, light up, as if you have a choice! SNOW WHITE: Isn’t that a Leona Lewis song? I thought you only sang Snow Patrol songs? Snow Patrol gives Snow White a look of evil, and lunges at her. SNOW PATROL: Leona Lewis? LEONA LEWIS?!?! SNOOOOOW PATROOOOOW! SNOW WHITE: Argh! Get her off me!! 46

A third ghost runs onstage and pulls Snow Patrol aside to calm her down. SCOOBY: Roh! Rho’s rat? Arother rhost??! SNOW BLACK: No, that’s just Shahan, looking for attention. First the stand-up, then that Rockstar guitar thing, then the Weakest Link, then his radio show Fridays at 9am on Hubradio, and now this... SHAHAN: I just like doing stuff! Hmmm... Now that we’re at the end of the play, and everyone’s getting together... I guess I should get someone too, right? Let’s look at my script! [Looks at the script] I have to choose someone from the audience? Brilliant! [Takes someone onto stage.] SLEAZY: So, what will become of us all now? SNOW WHITE: I’m happy living here with the Dwarfs! STEPMOTHER: I’m happy living with my Prince in the castle! SCOOBY: Ri’m rappy rith my runky Roodsman. DISNEY: Woodsman, are you going to settle down with Scooby Doo, or continue your life of being a humble Woodsman? WOODSMAN: Well, the truth is... I never wanted to be a Woodsman... The Woodsman takes front centre stage. SNOW WHITE: Well, what DID you want to be? WOODSMAN: I wanted to be... A Lumberjack! [The cast on stage begin ba-ba-ing the tune, on one knee] Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. The Giant Redwood. The Larch. The Fir! The mighty Scots Pine! The lofty flowering Cherry! The plucky little Apsen! The limping Roo tree of Nigeria. The towering Wattle of Aldershot! The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant! The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak! The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip! The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni! The Epigillus! The Barter Hughius Greenus! With my best buddy by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!

47

[The Lumberjack song!] I'm a lumberjack, And I'm O.K. I sleep all night, And I work all day. EVERYONE: He's a lumberjack, And he's O.K. He sleeps all night, And he works all day. WOODSMAN: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the Lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping, And have buttered scones for tea. EVERYONE: He cuts down trees, He eats his lunch, He goes to the Lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping, And has buttered scones for tea. He's a lumberjack, And he's O.K. He sleeps all night, And he works all day. WOODSMAN: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars. EVERYONE: He cuts down trees, He skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, And hangs around in bars. He's a lumberjack, And he's O.K. He sleeps all night, And he works all day. WOODSMAN: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Pa-pa. EVERYONE: He cuts down trees, He wears high heels, Suspendies and a bra. We all wish we were girlies – that’s why we do Dra-ma! He's a lumberjack, And he's O.K. He sleeps all night, And He works all day. He's a lumberjack, And he's O-Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! He sleeps all night and He works all day!

The End.

48