Wellspring B10 2

VALLEY R&R

B10 Sunday, February 5, 2006

CAROL BRADLEY

BURSACK Minding our Elders 쑽

When you want a will, a book shows the way Dear Readers: We know our parents should do it. We know we should do it. But it’s so easy to put off. It is your will. And Elizabeth Arnold, author of “Creating the Good Will: The Most Comprehensive Guide to Both the Financial and Emotional Sides of Passing on Your Legacy,” is dedicated to teaching us to do it well. What makes Arnold’s book unique, and exceptionally readable, is her belief that when we go about making our wishes known and do it right, we will leave ourselves and our families peace of mind. Arnold says we need to make our values clear and spell out our emotional legacy. This often takes courage. Perhaps you’ll have some uncomfortable talks with your heirs about why you are making the choices you are making. You may want to step back and observe family dynamics. You could choose to let people know your thoughts in a letter, or express them in person. However a person chooses to do it, Arnold believes this is an important part of leaving a legacy. Arnold’s premise is that it’s not the financial holdings that rip families apart. It’s the emotions felt by those receiving (or not receiving) certain articles: Grandma’s diamond ring, Grandpa’s tools. For some items, the emotional attachment is far greater than the monetary value. Then there’s sibling rivalry. You guess that Sue would like the ring and Sam would like the tools. You don’t talk it out. You just write it down. Or you leave it for them to figure out, without any direction. It turns out they both want the tools. Neither wants the ring. And how you word the will “tells” them who you love and understand the most. Or not giving any direction sends them into childish tantrums that could damage their relationship for years. Arnold is president of Sowing Seeds, a consulting firm that helps clients incorporate the book’s approach into their wills and estate plans. She has a law degree from Harvard University and a bachelor’s degree in religious studies from Yale. Her insightful take on human nature is key to the value of the book. Arnold divides the book into human laws one through seven. She tells stories to illustrate her points. She gets personal. Arnold shares ideas about how you can leave your family, when the time comes, in the most peaceful manner. You can know they won’t have to go through painful emotional and legal processes over your health or your possessions at the same time they are grieving your decline or your loss. You’ll already have discussed what will happen and you will have taken care of the legalities. Yes, you will learn how to avoid probate, when possible, but you will learn much more. You will learn how to communicate your thought process and your love for your family. You will learn how to pass on your values. “Creating the Good Will: The Most Comprehensive Guide to Both the Financial and Emotional Sides of Passing on Your Legacy,” published by the Penguin Group, sells for $22.95 and is available at bookstores and online. Bursack is the author of a support book on family elder care. To submit questions to “Minding Our Elders” and view past columns, go to www.in-forum.com and click on Columnists. Readers can reach Bursack at [email protected] or write her at The Forum, Box 2020, Fargo, ND 58107.

Brainstorm more options for party Dear Miss Manners: I wanted to throw a party for my mother-in-law’s 50th birthday. We simply did not have the room in our small apartment to host the party, so I suggested to my husband that we host it at a local restaurant. He reminded me, and I agreed, that we did not have the money to pay the bill for all the guests. We could not decide whether or not it was rude to kindly ask guests to bring a gag gift and enough money to cover their individual meals. My husband’s solution JUDITH was to ask his sister if she MARTIN had anything planned. She Miss Manners replied by saying that she 쑽 was going to arrange for a couple of her mother’s friends to take her out. It never happened. We tried making up for the lack of a party by bringing her a nice bottle of alcohol. Should we have gone with our original idea? Gentle Reader: Well, no, since your original idea was to give a party you couldn’t afford. But Miss Manners wonders why that calculation always seems to be followed by the notion of getting others to pay the bills for your supposed hospitality. Why wasn’t your next thought, “What can we afford to do?” Well, eventually this did occur to you, but only after other plans fell through, and in a way that fell far short of your hopes. Perhaps if you had addressed the question earlier, you could have come up with something more festive, such as taking your mother and her friends out to tea, or inviting only her very closest friends to your house. Address your etiquette questions to Miss Manners, in care of The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC, 20071 or e-mail her at [email protected]

The Forum

Avoid sounding needy when seeking new friends Dear Annie: I’m a 30-year-old male with cerebral palsy, and I’m so terribly depressed. Annie, despite a loving family and a few friends, I feel so lonely. No one ever calls me, and even though I have made calls to social organizations and left voice mails, no one responds. It’s like I have no idea how to make friends, nor can I tell if people are genuinely interested in me. I’m so angry with how I live my life. It seems the world has passed me by. I chose to spend much of my life alone, and now I’m paying for it dearly. I constantly fear ending up by myself, and it makes me cry. I go to therapy, and it does help for a while, but then I go right back into my funk. I have gotten involved in volunteer work and social clubs, but my handicap limits how far I can drive. I feel like dying, and I suspect no one would miss me if I were dead. I’m in so much pain. Please help me. – Crying in Connecticut Dear Crying: You are obviously depressed, and while your situation may seem hopeless, it could be as simple as working on your social skills. Your

KATHY

MITCHELL MARCY

SUGAR Annie’s Mailbox 쑽

desperation and neediness are coming through too clearly. And if you’ve spent most of your life pushing others away, you may have no idea how to cultivate new friendships. Since you have family members and a few friends who care about you, ask them to help introduce you to others and smooth the way for you to become more involved. Let them critique those phone messages that no one returns in case you are conveying an unintentional message. Also, try the “Speak Out” chat room at United Cerebral Palsy (www.ucp.org). You could use some ongoing support. Dear Annie: My wife’s niece, “Connie,” is a college student and the apple of her parents’ eye. She

is a refined young lady except for her table manners, which are completely unacceptable. At a recent dinner, Connie did not once remove her right elbow from the table, except to reach for food. She held her knife and fork in her right hand, while simultaneously tossing asparagus spears down her throat with the left. She stabbed each piece of meat as if her fork were an ice pick, and speech was accompanied by mastication for all to see. Connie’s parents do not behave in this manner, but they say nothing. I have spoken to my wife and to Connie’s grandmother, and both told me to keep quiet, as the parents would never forgive me. I have suggested sending Connie a book on etiquette, anonymously, but was told she’d never read it. I want to help but am afraid of starting a family feud. Any suggestions? – Concerned Uncle Dear Uncle: You and your wife might consider inviting Connie to dine with your family. Then you can politely correct your children (or someone willing to play the scapegoat), in order to give a subtle demonstration of proper

behavior. If she sees regular examples, she might catch on, and you won’t have to say a word to her. Dear Annie: This is in response to “A Parent in Need,” who didn’t know how to tell his child that their dog had died. When our Irish setter had to be humanely put down, I struggled with telling my daughter. I found an excellent book titled “When a Pet Dies,” by Fred Rogers. I also asked my daughter to draw something about our dog, and she produced a wonderfully imaginative collection of pictures. We had a memorial service and then planted a tree in our yard, a tradition we have continued with each deceased family pet. The trees are a constant reminder of our beloved companions. – Riverside, Calif., Animal Lover Dear Riverside: Thank you for the excellent suggestions. We hope all readers faced with this possibility will read Mr. Rogers’ book and keep your ideas in mind. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to [email protected], or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611

World Vision photos

Mothers of healthy children are trained by World Vision staff to teach mothers of malnourished children to prepare nutritious meals. Each mother continues the program until her child has gained sufficient weight.

Wellspring of hope his project almost literally is throwing money down a well – only this time, that money will save lives. It’s called Wellspring for the World. Its goal is to provide something for the African nation of Mali you take for granted: safe drinking water. It does so by paying for the digging of deep wells and fitting them with pumps. Much of the funding for it, the organization Johnson promoting it and the idea for it in the first place comes from Fargo-Moorhead.

T

The car wash guy Don Johnson knows something about water. He used a lot of it when he and the late Mel Skarphol owned and operated Don’s Car Washes in FargoMoorhead. That water washed the dirt off vehicles. But it was Don, who with his wife Dorothy now split their time between Fargo and Peoria, Ariz., who was struck with the need for clean water to help wash disease out of the lives of people in the impoverished nations of Africa. Out of that idea came Wellspring for the World, a nonprofit organization of which the Fargo-Moorhead Area Foundation is the fiscal sponsor. The board is made up of FargoMoorhead area residents and who, Don says, deserves the credit for moving this project along so well. Wellspring says 4,000 children die every day – every day! – throughout the world because they drink tainted water from surface lakes and ponds. Every deep well, Wellspring says, provides up to 2,800 gallons of safe water for 300 people and cuts a community’s child mortality rate in half. The wells are expensive; each costs $18,000. But half of that cost is met by a matching grant

World Vision drilled a new borehole well in this village, one of 79 that were planned for southeastern Mali in 2005.

BOB

LIND Neighbors 쑽

from the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation.

Downtown art project Late in 2005, Wellspring paid for its first deep well in Mali, plus two hand pumps, which cost $1,000 each, with the help of a Hilton matching grant. Aid organization World Vision drills the wells and installs the pumps. The funds for the initial project came primarily from Wellspring’s board members and their families. Now, it is getting the word out to the F-M area in hopes of gaining more funds for more wells in Mali and, down the road, in other western African nations as well. To publicize the project locally, the board has proposed an art project in Fargo, maybe on Broadway, maybe in conjunction with the new library, maybe elsewhere in the downtown area. It might be, appropriately enough, a water fountain. But whatever form it takes, it would A community in Mali gathers as a World Vision drilling rig hits be a reminder of the ongoing project and a symbol of the water. compassion the Fargo-Moorhead area has for less fortunate people Funds also will be used to in other lands. further income-producing activities such as farming and to Target: Mali educate people on the use and Mali is one of three African maintenance of the wells and on countries targeted by the Hilton safe water practices. Foundation, working with World The Wellspring board hopes to Vision, for assistance. set up an endowment in order to Don say Wellspring selected make this a never-ending Mali because of its immediate project. needs. Wellspring has connected Never ending, that is, until the with a community there so, Don entire world has ready access to says, “We will be able to see and clean drinking water. measure our impact directly. We Donations can be sent to: feel that rather than having our Wellspring for the World, PO money going ‘somewhere in Box 9993, Fargo 58106. Africa,’ we can be specific” by If you have an item of interest for this column, mail contributing to certain The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead it to Neighbors, The Forum, Box 2020, Fargo, N.D. communities. 58107; or e-mail [email protected] 02/05/06