Tv Show Idea- Script

Cowboys and Indians Premises:

Two underfinanced students in need of money think upon a good idea to become hit men for a local organised crime unit. Both characters are completely inexperienced and naïve about the criminal underworld and there whole perception is distorted beyond recognition. The gangster they work for is clichéd London cockney and they both live with an escort. The series follows the two protagonist’s attempts to perform a hit on someone which is shown in the first episode but not performed until the final episode.

Characters Toby:

First protagonist. Has a greater sense of intelligence then Steve but often agrees with him on his ideologies. Because of his supposed higher level of intelligence Toby is the main protagonist in the story as most people address him when the two are together.

Steve:

Second protagonist. Not as clever as Toby, which enables him to think of completely random and unnecessary topics. Both Toby and Steve have greatest life experiences from film and game Medias, identifying their naivety of their current situation. Both protagonists suffer form the inability of doing anything right, managing to fuck up the simplest of chores and duties. This makes the idea of them successfully killing someone seem unlikely.

Danny:

Cockney-esque gangster who actually resides in Birmingham. Has no sense of humour but gives both Toby and Steve slack for their continuous failures. Sees both Toby and Steve as ‘the retards he never had’.

Susan:

Escort who shares flat with two protagonists. Acts as third part member to overlook the predicaments Toby and Steve have enthralled themselves in. Tries giving helpful advice but this is usually in vain because, lets face it, you don’t hire a prostitute to have an engaging conversation with.

Pilot Scene 1: EXT. Alleyway (Whole scene is shot in grainy black and white. Both Toby and Steve are running after an unidentified character through damp and dark alley ways. The stranger eventually comes to a dead end where Toby and Steve finally confront the assailant, both with pistols extended) Assailant:

Oh god no! Please let me just explain.

Toby:

(low muttering) 1…2…3

(Steve fires a shot. The noise of the stranger falling over is heard. Both T and S look shocked. Close up of both) Toby:

(turns to Steve angrily) You know I can’t believe you sometimes!

Steve:

What dyou mean?

Toby:

You didn’t let me have a chance to shoot him. You said that we were gonna do this together.

Steve:

Yes and you counted to three…

Toby:

Yes I know I counted to three but if you remember I said we should count up to three then go.

Steve:

Yes and that’s what I did.

Toby:

No you fired on three.

Steve:

Exactly. Wait…oh you never specified ‘go’ as a step. You can’t blame that on me. You weren’t being detailed enough. That’s entirely your problem.

Toby:

(High pitched. Offended) My problem! (angrily, norm pitch). So you did it deliberately.

Steve:

That’s not what I said.

Toby:

That’s what you implied. And honest to god it wouldn’t surprise me if you did do it out of spite.

Steve:

Right if you’re gonna throw a moody.

Toby:

You complete bitch. No more than five minutes ago (doing interpretation of himself) I’ll count to three then on go you go for the stomach, I’ll go for the head. Agreed? (Interpretation of Steve) I’ll try

to remember Tobes but I’ll warn you that I have a slight tendency of being a retarded asshole! Steve:

(pauses whilst thinking. Then in completely calm and factual state) Yeah I remember that conversation. Why did I get the stomach?

Toby:

What?

Steve:

Why did I get the stomach? Why couldn’t I go for something better like the head or the spine?

Toby:

How is the head better then the stomach?

Steve:

…I heard if you shoot someone in the stomach there’s a chance that they poo themselves.

Toby:

(Look of disbelief) I can’t believe this. It’s been six months of waiting for my chance to make it in this career, to truly shine in my role for the local community.

Steve:

(anxiously butting in quietly) I wouldn’t really call this a community role. This isn’t exactly the neighbourhood watch.

Toby:

(calmly) Shut up and let me finish. A year of waiting for this moment and I get stabbed in the back by you. A person who still has to wear Velcro (camera shifts to floor view of Steve’s footwear) because HE HASN’T LEARNT HOW TO TIE HIS SHOELACES.

Steve:

Look if you’re that annoyed about it you can just shoot him now. There’s nothing stopping you.

Toby:

I DON’T WANNA SHOOT HIM NOW. That’s asinine. What benefit do I get from shooting a dead body apart from being investigated for suspected manslaughter? So if we go to jail you get to say you were thrown in for a serious offence and when they turn to me I’ll have to say I was the guy who helped. So whilst you get teardrop tattoos and make friends.

Steve:

Cool. It’ll look like I’m crying all the time.

Toby:

(Ignoring) And I get a detailed tour of the communal showers with a complementary bar of soap as well as getting a 6ft (uses bunny hand signals) ‘non gay’ person whispering ‘I hope you like it slow’ in my left ear!

Steve:

Okay you know I find it hard to talk to when you use your outdoor voice.

Toby:

I…,I…,(realises what Steve has said. Confused and annoyed) what? What the hell are you talking about?

Steve:

Okay now you’re making a scene.

Toby:

In-front of who? Who am I embarrassing you in front of? The dead person? Oh my apologies to you sir for seeing me behave like that. Just a little dispute I’m having with my associate. (pauses and looks curiously at the dead body) You seem a little under the weather good sir. Is there anything wrong with you? What did you say? (as an answer. Camera focuses on Steve’s reaction to Toby’s conversation with the dead body. Steve looks slightly annoyed and restless) Oh no I don’t think all of that blood is indeed necessary… Yes I do think that it does seem outdated. If I were you I’d try acquiring one of those stab wounds I’ve heard so much about. Apparently they’re all the rage. (Toby goes to pick him up. Camera focuses back onto Toby) In-fact if you come with me I might be able to. (drops the body and starts retching) You were right Steve. He has pooed himself.

Steve:

Hmmmm…yeah. Thought so. Lucky you didn’t pick him up otherwise this whole evening might’ve ended up in one of situations I was told to stay clear of as a child.

Toby:

(still trying to regain himself) Think it’s a little too late for that now. (Regained after spending time catching breath) What should we do now?

Steve:

With the body? I’m not into that sort of thing.

Toby:

No as in what now? (Both start walking away from victim. Camera fixed looking up from side of body)

Steve:

Oh! Oh…hm. Food? I’m hungry. That’s always a start.

Toby:

Food it is then.

Steve:

Where?

Toby:

I dunno. No coffee shops. I’m not allowed in any of them since they found me stealing cups and cutlery.

Steve:

I was wondering why we don’t have any glasses. Didn’t they ask for the cups back?

Toby:

Not after what I did to them. Steve: Why what did you do to them? (Toby carries on walking. Steve freezes) Toby?...Toby I eat my breakfast out of some of those bowls. Is

that what you mean by ignoring the aftertaste? Toby?... Can we at least buy a dishwasher? Toby? I need new friends. (Title scene) (TXT. 6 Months Ago) Scene 2: INT. Danny’s Office (Scene starts in Danny’s office. Office is typical with Don Vito’s office from Godfather. T and S are sitting down. A bodyguard is also present within the room) Danny:

(Smoking cigar) So how did you learn about me.

Toby:

It’s not hard. There’s a sign outside. (Camera moves to outside of building where there’s a giant neon light presenting Danny’s, a entertainment club)

Danny:

(Trying to offer an excuse) Could’ve been an alias

Toby:

It’s not though is it?

Danny:

Well you don’t know that

Toby:

I’d put money on it being your real name.

Danny:

That’s dangerous bet to take.

Toby:

What is it then?

Danny:

Daniel

Toby:

Well there you go

Danny:

(Slightly annoyed) There you go what?

Toby:

Well….it’s not an alias. It’s just you’ve shortened your name.

Danny:

Who do you think you are coming in here telling me if my name’s an alias of an abbreviation?

Toby:

Dyou mean theoretically or literally? Cos I told the person on the phone that I was called Toby.

Danny:

…You don’t know what you’re getting yourselves into. You think this job revolves around beautiful women and fast cars. Technically it does

but it’s the things you have to give up: your sense of morality, your self respect. All of life’s luxuries are yours at the cost of your humanity. Toby:

What so I don’t have to pay for anything? Oh Snap. (High fives Steve and sighs). Well if that isn’t a huge sigh of relief. I was worried for a second cos my credit rating…it beggars belief.

Danny:

Let me see your hands.

Toby:

(Places his hands out)

Danny:

You have hands like a woman.

Toby:

I also have the vagina of a woman.

Danny:

Shut up. I didn’t ask for your smart mouth. One of you doesn’t know when to shut up. The other one doesn’t talk at all. Who the hell is this man?

Danny:

(looking at Steve) What’s his problem.

Toby:

Steve gets frightened around new people.

Danny:

Oh I see. Like a five year old.

Steve:

No not like a five year old. (Fidgeting) It’s just I don’t trust strangers that’s all.

Danny:

So you think I’m strange?

Steve:

Yeah

Danny:

You’ve got a set of balls on ya.

Steve:

(Confused) why...don’t you?

Danny:

I can’t believe this.

Toby:

What is it?

Danny:

Well I’m just surprised that you two retards made it as far as my office. Christ what did you expect would happen. That I’d hire you like that? You have no experience. One of you finds it hard to string together long sentences.

Steve:

That not true.

Danny:

This is a harsh world and you ain’t no way near dealing with what it throws at you.

Steve:

Yknow I could say horrible things about you too to hurt your feelings.

Toby:

No Steve. This isn’t really that productive.

Danny:

Nah hang on. This might be fun. Go on then Steve. Impress me.

Steve:

(Camera slowly zoom sin on Steve’s face followed by same direction towards Danny’s face. Both S and D have competitive looks on their faces. Tense music could be played between camera zoom in. No dialogue during camera movements)

Steve:

(After camera zoom in) Mono-brow

Danny:

(Infuriated picks up waste paper bin and throws it at Danny’s head)

Toby:

(To Danny) So does that mean we get through to the second interview?

Danny:

Get out!

Steve:

Can I have a plaster before I leave? (Danny starts throwing other things at the pair. They quickly leave the room, ending the scene.)

Scene 3: EXT. Street Steve:

Bins are heavier then they look.

Toby:

Shut up Steve. I’m trying to think. Jesus Christ why the hell did you have to say that? Out of all the facial features, you could’ve just said his eyes were close together.

Steve:

But he did have one didn’t he? You could see the shave lines.

Toby:

True…that’s true.

Steve:

And to think he started off seeming like such a nice guy.

Toby:

He kills people for a living Steve. I don’t think there are many nice guys in his profession

Steve:

Oh come on. I’m sure even people in his position can take a joke.

Toby:

Nah Steve…(camera focus’ on Toby’s face) Danny’s known for having an interesting sense of humour. (Scene cuts to Danny in a room with an unknown person. Danny has a gun in his hand)

Danny:

What’s black and white and red all over?

Person:

(Sounding anxious and frightened) What?

Danny:

Hold this (hand him a black piece of cloth) And this (hands him a white piece of cloth) (Danny shoots person in the head with the revolver. Scene quickly ends when guy has fallen to the floor. Camera does not show person’s body)

Steve:

Does he always carry around those pieces of cloth with him?

Toby:

I dunno. I don’t really wanna find out. But thanks to you we’ll probably have to get a job in McDonalds.

Steve:

Doesn’t bother me as much as you. To be honest I quite like the Whooper meals.

Toby:

No that’s Burger King

Steve:

(Pauses to think)…Nah

Toby:

No Burger King do the Whopper. McDonalds do the Big Mac.

Steve:

(Looks confused)

Toby:

It’s called the Big Mac. The clue’s in the name. McDonalds. Mac?

Steve:

…Like the computers.

Toby:

No not like the computers! Like the abbreviation! Mac? Donalds?

Steve:

Which is the one that does the chicken?

Toby:

Why does that matter!? (Close up of Steve, looking upset and in pain because of confusion) Don’t bring that into this you’ll just end up more confused. Let’s just get home. (Final shot behind both characters spanning up to a block of apartments in front) I’ll go through it when we get there.

Scene 4: INT. Steve and Toby’s Flat (Décor of flat is modern, simple with wooden finish. Main room consist of a decked floor, leather sofas, a table with leather chairs and a TV. Toby and Steve are sitting at the table) Steve:

(Camera shows Steve with both arms on the table trying to decipher the Whopper problem) Okay so the difference between a Big Mac and a Whopper meal.

Toby:

(Toby is going through job advertisements in the newspaper, trying to focus. He looks up after a short pause). What? No. Not this crap again. We have more urgent things to do. The rent is due in two weeks how are we gonna pay it?

Steve:

We could try and get our flatmate to do it.

Toby:

What dyou mean. We have a flatmate?

Susan:

(Susan walks in, goes to pick up her handbag) Hi.

Toby:

(To Steve) Woah, w-w-woah. Who the hell is she?

Steve:

Your flatmate.

Toby:

Yeah, okay, very good . I know you’re our supposed flatmate but who the hell are you?

Susan:

I’m Susan.

Toby:

Oh great! It’s Susan. The prodigal one returns. Well I’m convinced. Is there anyone else you’d like to invite into our apartment Steve?

Steve:

Well apart from Frank…

Frank:

(Frank appears from a bedroom) Hello.

Toby:

GET THE HELL OUT (Points to the door)

Frank:

(Looks slightly offended and leaves)

Toby:

(After Frank has left) Okay back to the first question. (Looking at Susan) Who are you?

Steve:

Actually your first question was ‘Who’s our flatmate’

Toby:

(Turns to Steve) Steve, I swear to God, one of these days I’m gonna wait till you’re asleep and replace you’re insulin with bathwater again. Once again, this time with feeling, who are you?

Susan:

I’m Susan

Toby:

I KNOW YOUR SUSAN! (Still angrily) Who are you as in what do you do?

Susan:

Oh. Well right now I’m trying to make it big as an actress.

Toby:

(Anger receding) Really? Have you been successful at all?

Susan:

Well I’ve had a few roles. Just minor things. The sheep in pantomimes, a few roles as extras, a small advertisement deal. Just waiting for my big breakthrough right now.

Toby:

So how do you fund it all?

Susan:

Oh I work as an escort in my spare time.

Toby:

(Somewhat surprised) Oh….okay….well…everyone has a hobby.

Susan:

It’s just short term, it’ll pick up soon.

Toby:

How long you been an (swallows)…escort…for?

Susan:

Three years.

Toby:

Good work Steve. I’d of never thought of getting a prostitute as a flatmate.

Susan:

Escort

Toby:

If you polish a turd you still end up with a turd, albeit a cleaner one. Tell me then, where have you escorted people previously?

Susan:

Into their bedrooms.

Toby:

(Repeating for clarification) Into their bedrooms. Because it’s a perilous journey from the street corner to the bedroom.

Susan:

I don’t just escort them silly. I have sex with them afterwards.

Toby:

Wow. I thought you’d be the one dancing around the situation but you just upped and said it. Beautiful. (Turns to Steve) Is she the only applicant?

Steve:

Basically yeah

Toby:

What do you mean basically?

Susan:

(In despair) It’s not even as bad as you think it is.

Toby:

Bringing strangers into my flat whilst I’m not there in order to have sex with them illegally. That sounds pretty bad in my books.

Susan:

But you won’t even notice when they’re here.

Toby:

But I will notice afterwards from their signature stain marks. I’d prefer to be able to use things in my apartment without having to wonder who and what’s been inside them first.

Steve:

(Whilst eating cereal from a bowl) This cereal tastes funny.

Toby:

(Stares at Steve for a while) I’m not comfortable with the idea of having perverts in my house so unfortunately you’re gonna have to leave.

Susan:

But I make a fortune from it. I could easy pay 2/3’s of the rent.

Toby:

(Eyes light up) (Scene moves to outside, Camera shows Toby hammering an advertisement for a prostitute, showing the location inside their flat, into the lawn in front of their flat.)

Toby:

(After finishing) There ya go.

Steve:

This is a bit tasteless don’t you think?

Toby:

Well the tasteless part is having the prostitute in the apartment in the first place. Anything after that’s fair game.

Steve:

The neighbour’s might kick up a fuss. Mrs Henderson didn’t like it when you had the TV on too loud.

Tony:

Yep and now she’s dead. Just goes to show, don’t mess with Toby Pearceson.

Steve:

But it wasn’t you, it was a heart defect.

Toby:

(Sheepish look) It’s not the journey that matters, it’s the destination. She messed with the Tobester, she got what was coming to her: heart condition or not.

Steve:

(Turns to look at advertisement post. The looks back up to Toby) So what dyou think we should do about this whole job situation?

Toby:

Well (sighs) I gave Danny our contact details. Although he did seem pretty angry. I think he has mother issues. Anyway we’ll probably have to wait a long while until he’s sufficiently managed to cool his jets.

Scene 5: INT. Danny’s Office (Danny and an associate Carl are going through job applicants. Danny looks fatigued) Danny:

Who does that leave?

Carl:

Not many. Most of our old time friends have given up the ghost.

Danny:

Bloody hell. Jus shows the style of the times.

Carl:

Well there’s that and the fact that nearly all of them were unreliable drunkards who couldn’t even piss straight. Apart from Henry the Bishop.

Danny:

Nah he wasn’t one of ours

Carl: Danny:

Oh okay so all of your previous henchmen were just a bunch of drunks. You could try something else for a change. You’re not suggesting those two idiots who came through my door?

Carl:

They had some potential.

Danny:

They were shocking. When you come into my house you don’t follow through by giving me, a man with my reputation any God dam flak. Some of the things they said really hurt my feelings (rubbing his eyebrow)

Carl:

Seems like you don’t have much of a choice?

Danny:

Oh no? What about Three Fingered Fontaine?

Carl:

He lost a finger.

Danny:

Another one! He only had three to begin with. Where the hell does he stick his bloody fingers?

Carl:

He said two fingers had a better ring to it.

Danny:

(Surprised) That’s a bit extreme. Why didn’t he just come up with another nickname?

Carl:

I think it’s hard to come up with another nickname not related to your fingers if you’ve got 3 fingers. You’d have to work it in somewhere.

Danny:

Fine! So what about the others? (Not stated as a question but statement) Wild Bill?

Carl:

Dead

Danny:

The Ace?

Carl:

Custody

Danny:

Broken-Toothed Barney?

Carl:

You killed him.

Danny:

What!

(Camera cuts to picture on holiday of Danny with Barney’s corpse, holding it on a boat with loads of fishing equipment in the shot) Oh I remember that. That was a gooooooooood holiday. Carl:

(Looks up after scanning list) That’s it.

Danny:

…You’re loving this aren’t you?

Carl:

There’s parts of me that are. If the worst comes to the worst they’ll be dead in a week. You can go ahead and hire Two Fingered Fontaine.

Danny:

(Dialling an old fashioned phone, still looking at Carl) He knew a few things. He knew how to use this bloody phone for instance. What the hell. It’s gotten stuck on two. Go get Fontaine so I can finally find out how to use this bloody thing.