Toastmasters Humorous Speech

www.jacquesdevilliers.com This speech was written for Toastmasters, District 74ʼs Humorous Contest. I got through the club and area contests. Knocked out in the Division Contest.

The Right Wrong Turn

Winston Churchill once said: “Dogs will look up at us. Cats will look down upon us. And, pigs will treat us about equal.”

Mr contest chair, ladies and gentlemen.

This story has a dog, cat and pig in it. Oh, and a lizard.

All people, including superheroes have something that weakens them in some way or another: Superman has Kryptonite; Bill Clinton has a cat called Monica; Joost van der Westhuizen has Heat Magazine; Achilles had his heel and The Green Lantern ... nah, heʼs cool, heʼs got no weaknesses.

Me. Iʼve got a few weaknesses. But my real Kryptonite are animals. In George Orwellʼs book animal farm, he says: “All Animals Are Equal. Some are more equal than others”. My animals are all communists ... they all dislike me equally.

Iʼve got an ark-load of animal stories. When animals see me, they go into a total froth. Iʼve been attacked by a dog in Cape Town - 15 stitches. Iʼve been hunted by feral dogs in a coloured neighbourhood in Hout Bay ... donʼt ask. Iʼve been attacked by a tiger ... fish in the Kuvango River. A Budgie has bitten me. And, Iʼve

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even been attacked by a rabbit on a hike. Itʼs so bad that Iʼve been banned from most pet shops in Johannesburg.

Simply: When animals see me it is as if they see someone who is possessed by a demon and they go crazy. Iʼve often felt like Damien from the Omen. Except, when I go to church I donʼt feel like throwing up ... so, I canʼt be possessed, can I?

Some of you may know that Iʼm single ... and, you may be wondering why. I mean look at the size of my feet ... whatʼs not to like.

The problem is that most women I try and date have some kind of animal.

The Date - Cat

And as you know, if the potential suitor gets on with her animal, then he is potentially in with a chance of a relationship with her.

I took a lady out on a date once. Letʼs call her Jenny to protect the innocent. After dinner at a fancy restaurant, things progressed rather well. So well, that when I dropped her off at home she invited me in for coffee.

As I sat down she said to me: “I donʼt normally do this on the first date. Already I was smiling. “But thereʼs someone Iʼd really like you to meet.” Now I knew she had a flatmate, some model or other ... so the evening was really looking up.

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Iʼd like to introduce you to my pussycat, Chastity. Mmm, Chastity ... maybe the evening wasnʼt quite going to go as Iʼd hoped.

She bends down and picks up this hairy generator ... purr, purr, purr. I had to chuckle because this cat certainly didnʼt look chaste to me. In fact she looked more like an outer-Mongolian mattress thrasher ... a distant cousin to the shrew. In fact, if you stuck some lipstick on her, a cigarette in her mouth, a miniskirt and a bottle of Bollinger Champagne into one of her seductive paws, sheʼd have looked like Johanna Lumley in Absolutely Fabulous waiting for a bunch of sailors to embark off a ship after five long months at sea.

Of course, I never had a chance to express this observation because Chastity went wilder than Cujo after missing his rabies shots. She looked like Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire - all teeth stuck to a short body.

The cat jumped out of Jennyʼs arms and bolted for the kitchen.

Jenny screamed: “My pussy doesnʼt like you. You must go, you must go”. Come here puss, puss, puss, puss.

This was a wrong turn that turned out right. Because not even two weeks later I met the girl of my dreams and had a long relationship. 3 weeks. It was really, really going well until she bought that darn budgie.

Dad and Belinda

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I went to stay with my father on the farm in the Paarl. I got there late at night and after a long drive from Johannesburg, I was exhausted. “Just crash on Belindaʼs bed.” “You sure she wonʼt mind”, I asked. Nah, she normally sleeps with me. Knowing my dadʼs reputation with the ladies I thought no more of it.

I awoke the next morning in excruciating pain. I was covered from head to foot in flea bites. It turns out that Belinda was the farm beagle. And the saying, “If you lie with dogs you get fleas” took on a very real meaning for me.

I plastered myself with Camomile lotion to get rid of the itching. It doesnʼt help by the way. In fact all I ended up doing was looking like a Xhosa boy at his initiation ceremony ... quivering as an elder approached with a rusty knife ... preparing to slice him into manhood.

My plan was to hook up with some of my mates and tomcat in Cape Town with women who didnʼt have animals. Johannesburg was dead to me. There were too many animals.

But after looking in the mirror I realised that tomcatting was out of the question. I looked like a Yak on heat ... spotty and Xhosa-like.

So, I made the best of the situation and spent the whole month bonding with my dad. And, you know, Iʼm so glad I did. Because that was the last time I was to see him alive. That wrong turn worked out just fine for the two of us.

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Army - Pig

When I was in the army and I was behind enemy lines ... Boksburg ... we approached a kraal. We had some intel that there was some enemy activity in the vicinity. Twenty metres from the kraal I heard this strangulated scream. I gave the signal. ..... I bet youʼve seen it in the movies, havenʼt you? Well, what it really means. Stop! Check out if there are any bars in the vicinity and bring two cold Castles back to me.

This snaffle-toothed pig comes barreling down the path at me.

Now, itʼs not a cute pig like the one in babe. No, it an abomination. A cross between a pig, a mouth-breathing banjo player and a hippo. It had large yellow incisors that sorely could have used a set of braces. It looked more like an Italian boar that you found in the Hannibal Lecter movie than any pig Iʼve ever seen.

It sees me and goes into the normal “Itʼs Damien, the possessed one froth attack”. I take one look at this and turn tail and run like Rosemaryʼs Baby and all the denizens from hell are after me.

The reason I was so afraid of pigs and still am today is because of our Regimental Sergeant Major.

You see. He was bitten by a pig once and he lost every hair on his body. Every hair. I can attest to that because I was once with a communal shower with him and witnessed it first hand. That hairless, maggot like body freaked me out. I Cell: 082 906 3693 - [email protected] - www.jacquesdevilliers.com

wished at the time that I was one of those lizards with self-cleaning eyes so that I could wipe it out of my memory.

You know the feeling. It is the same one you got when you walked into your parents bedroom on a Sunday afternoon and caught them .... playing scrabble. You finally realised that parents do other things than just look after you. Then you also wanted to have self cleaning eyes.

But once again, the pig chasing me incident was a wrong turn that worked out just right. We found out afterwards that we had just avoided walking into a deadly ambush. It was a good day for us that day because nobody died that day. Especially me.

Thanks to animals, Iʼve taken wrong turns which in the end turned out just right: I met the girl of my dreams, albeit only for a short while, I forged a bond with my dad that Iʼll treasure always and I got out alive to tell you this tale.

So, donʼt panic when life throws you a wrong turn, it might just be the right one for you.

Cell: 082 906 3693 - [email protected] - www.jacquesdevilliers.com

Cell: 082 906 3693 - [email protected] - www.jacquesdevilliers.com