'the Question' Issue 2

I n t e r v i e w w

i

t

h

t

h

e

H o m e l e s s Chequersley Beyworth Investigates... Pembroke scout Charly (inset left), 24, told The Question about her dirty secret. “One morning, I was cleaning the showers like I always do, when I pushed open the door and walked in on a really fit guy, completely naked! I just stood there staring at his body, all wet and soapy—I wasn‟t even thinking when I took off my top and joined him in the cubicle. He looked so shocked as I knelt down and took his cock in my mouth.

Massive Slag Well there may be a cure! After a month-long search in the Bod, we‟ve finally uncovered the missing pages of Mrs Beetham‟s seminal volume Household Management! In this fabled tome, Ma Beetham reveals that a humble Goji Berry smoothie is the cure for the gay plague! Contained within the pages is also the cure for cancer! She recommends a 30 mile jog a day, alongside 17 eggs and a glass of calpol. Who’d have thought it?

He wasn‟t huge but he came for what seemed like ages. By the time I finished, my uniform was so wet, so I just let myself into the room opposite and took some knickers and a skirt to wear for the rest of the day—I hope no one noticed! I haven't seen the guy since, but I‟m sure he won‟t forget that shower in a hurry! Are you a dirty scout? Know a filthy scrubber? Email us at [email protected]

We listen to their stories, so you don’t have to...

Interviewer: Frederick Walkerson III Interviewee: Mick (no last name given) Date: 8th February 2009 Location: Outside Odeon Cinema, George Street

FW: Mick, charming to meet you—mind telling us about your favourite homeless activities? It must be hard to keep yourself amused, what with the lack of money. M: Uh, I used to drink a lot, so tha‟ was my main activity, but now it doesn‟t d‟much for me so I jus‟ sit around. FW: Ah, but you must pass the time somehow? M: Well, one of my favourite pastimes is sitting at the bus stop outside the girls‟ high school and leering—sometimes I‟ll try and have a conversation, ask for some change. FW: The girls‟ school? M: Yeah—from about 3.15 „til 4ish on weekdays. FW: You fucking nonce, you sick fucking Glitter-mad perv— I‟m going to have the law on you faster than you can say prepubescent! You can take your fucking mouldy sleeping bag and shove it up your scabby arse you manky, rotten paedo. It‟s people like you that sent this country to the dogs—I‟m going to kick your face inside your own skull, you sick fuck. Mick’s indiscretions were swiftly reported to the police and his hearing is set for March 23rd at Oxford Magistrates Court. One more of the cunts off the streets, then. The Question is a fortnightly magazine produced by a small team— if you feel that you can help by contributing, distributing or sponsoring then please contact [email protected] Visit our website! www.thequestionmag.blogspot.com Editor: Augustus Pithithers; Contributors: Chequersley Beyworth, Frederick Walkerson III, Clement Howford Art, Design and Layout: Chequersley Beyworth Disclaimer: The Question is a satirical magazine, all information and claims within are false and for entertainment purposes.

WHAT’S THEPRO BLEMW ITHSIZE ZERO?

By

Jove! It‟s lovely to have you back,

fair readers. Your response to our first issue has been astounding, and we have been inundated with messages of both praise and encouragement. It seems that Oxford has been crying out for a magazine of this calibre, and we will do our best to satisfy your satirical needs. For those readers who contacted us regarding whether there is a need for two satirical magazines in Oxford vis-à-vis The Øxymorøn, having been a regular contributor to that publication, I can reveal that I left my post at that magazine after it began to lower its standards, publishing sub-standard, inane articles on a thrice-yearly basis. Hear at The Question, we have established what we hope will become an Oxford institution, and we strive to provide you with the best articles about the issues relevant to you, students at this great university. If you feel you could contribute to The Question, then please get in touch, we‟d be charmed to make your acquaintance. Until next time, your support is much appreciated.

Augustus Pithithers Editor, The Question (PPE, Magdalen College)

The Question is printed on 100% Recycled paper—please help us continue by passing your copy onto a friend or leaving it in your JCR rather than binning it and killing seals. Email us – [email protected]

Anorexia - A Disease that’s good for you! By Clement Howford

Mention „Size Zero‟ to the ignorant masses and you‟ll get a range of illinformed, copycat replies along the lines of “it‟s disgusting/wrong/sick etc.” - when will the dullards realise that there‟s nothing wrong with being a little skinny? It‟s only recently, with the advent of shows extolling the beauty of „curvy‟ (fat as buses) women, and that fudge packing „Gook‟ Wan and his incessant quest to get lardy bitches naked that being thin is seen as „wrong‟. What on earth is wrong with striving for perfection? I‟d rather have a rack of ribs than a chunky steak that‟s mostly fat. There’s a reason why Anorexia rhymes with ‘much sexier’. The number of women who have been fooled into being „happy‟ with their bodies is astronomical - how can they be happy being so fat? If you can‟t fit both hands round your waist then I‟m afraid you‟re obese. Everyone knows that obese women die young, while anorexics live much longer and consume less resources, thus alleviating the problems of famine—just look at all those trendy children in Ethiopia, starving themselves in the name of fashion. The height of the slimming craze came in 1940s Germany, when whole groups of men, women and children packed into „slimming camps‟ and starved themselves down to size zero. Ingenious! A popular ‘slimming camp’ If only we could return to those heady days of slimness and sexiness, I feel the whole world would be a better place. As a result, I propose a plan - when you next see a fat person, kick their fat faces until lipids pour from their gaping wounds and they vow never to eat a doughnut again. If only the world had as much sense as us, dear readers, everything would be fat-free. CH

TAB TORTURE This Week‟s Tab:

Colin White (Maths, Emmanuel)

Tortured By:

Augustus Pithithers This week’s Items List contained: 20ft length of Rope, Hatchet, Nailgun, One Dozen 9” Nails, Studded Leather Gloves, Marbles, Duct Tape. 1824 hrs After dragging the Tab from the van, I strung him upside down from a rafter with the rope, before stuffing a handful of marbles in his mouth and duct taping over his lips. 1828 hrs Donning the studded gloves, I crunched the Tab‟s teeth into his mouth with several punches to his face, until he spat blood and teeth all over the floor. 1832 hrs I cut the Tab down from the roof with the hatchet, chopping at his ankles until his legs were severed and he fell to the floor, his bloody stumps now spraying blood everywhere. 1837 hrs Knocking him out with the butt of the nailgun on the back of his skull, I dragged the Tab to the door and shot nails through his forearms into the frame. Securing his elbows to the door with more nails, I enjoyed shooting more nails into his spine until his legs stopped kicking. 1841 hrs I performed the Coup de grace with a nail to the back of the skull, piercing the Tab‟s brain and leaving a fountain of blood squirting from the head. Overall: Jolly good fun with plenty of blood, I can‟t think of a better way to pass the time.

9/10