'the Question' Issue 1

I n t e r v i e w w

Da wk in s

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We listen to their stories, so you don’t have to...

Interviewer: Frederick Walkerson III

Rowan

Interviewee: ‘Mad’ Bob Fletch

W i l lia m s

Date: 21st January 2009

“Yes.”

CARNAL Queries

With Meredith Shaste -Banks Dear Meredith, my girlfriend of 3 years has told me that I can no longer satisfy her in bed, and that she will leave me if things don’t improve. What can I do to get the spark back? Tim Burns (Maths, Keble)

Dear Tim, I’m sorry to hear about your troubles, but I can help. Firstly, ask your girlfriend to tell you all her fantasies and desires—she’ll let you know what turns her on, so pay attention. Also, visit your local Ann Summers and buy some massage oils—us girls love a nice massage, but warm your hands first! If she’s still not satisfied, take a blunt object and crack her one in the head—she won’t dare ever complain again. My love, Meredith

t

H o m e l e s s

Richard

“No.”

i

xxx

Location: Bench by the Oriental Grocers on Cowley Rd.

FW: So what brought you to the streets, Bob? Family Break up? Redundancy? Lifestyle choice maybe? MBF: I’d say it was a love of heroin. FW: Ah, I see...and you’re still on this heroin? MBF: Um, yes...yes I am. I went to rehab but I relapsed a few months ago now. It’s terrible to have to live like this, with the cold and the hunger, I wish I had a better life, you see. FW: Yes, but it is technically your fault that you’re homeless then? W...Wait, ignore technically, it’s just your fault. MBF: Technically, yes...but I don’t want to be on drugs. FW: Well why don’t you do something about it, you worthless shit. MBF: I told you, I was in rehab but I relaps... FW: I don’t give a fuck! You deserve to be spat at and beaten you fucking cretin. Next time I see you I’m going to wipe my arse with your Big Issue and throw it in your face. ‘Mad’ Bob Fletch did not receive any money, coffee or drugs for this interview, and we took his Big Issue seller ID so that’s one less tramp bothering you. The Question is a fortnightly magazine produced by a small team— if you feel that you can help by contributing, distributing or sponsoring then please contact [email protected] Visit our website! www.thequestionmag.blogspot.com Editor: Augustus Pithithers; Contributors: Meredith ShasteBanks, Frederick Walkerson III, Clement Howford Art, Design and Layout: Chequersly Beyworth Disclaimer: The Question is a satirical magazine, all information and claims within are false and for entertainment purposes.

WHAT’S THEBIG DEALAB OUTGA ZA? T h e qu e st i o n Issue 1 Feb 09

Www.thequestionmag. blogspot.com

Firstly, my humblest thanks to you, kind reader, in picking up this magazine. By doing so, you have most undoubtedly changed your life. Secondly, an apology—The Question will not be to everybody’s liking, and that is a regrettable truth. I can do little more than hope you enjoy it, and please recommend our publication to your friends and colleagues if you do. Here at The Question, we desire to amuse, entertain, captivate and amaze our readers, and I’m sure you will find at least one thing within these papers that titillates you. For this, our inaugural issue, we too, like The Great Obama, are protected by bullet proof glass as Clement Howford tackles the sticky situation in Gaza, while Meredith Shaste-Banks deals with your carnal queries. Frederick Walkerson III interviews layabouts and runaways, while yours truly revels in torturing a filthy Cantabrian, and more... So peruse on, my good fellow, and learn more than you ever could from a whole term of lectures.

Augustus Pithithers Editor, The Question (PPE, Magdalen College)

The Question is printed on 100% Recycled paper—please help us continue by passing your copy onto a friend or leaving it in your JCR rather than binning it. Email– [email protected]

Gaza : When will they stop moaning? By Clement Howford

Now, I’ve never been one to kick up a fuss—the other day, I was having afternoon tea at a particularly high class brasserie, when the waiter spilt a beverage on my suit trousers. Needless to say, I was taken aback, yet I did not instantly reach for the butter knife and attempt to gouge the fellow’s eyes out—I calmly asked for a towel and the waiter promptly brought it. If I can control myself in these circumstances, why do the Palestinians seem to be getting their knickers in a twist over all of this Israel malarkey? The mainstream press has clambered all over each other to exaggerate this misunderstanding over land, and are quick to describe it as a “conflict”, some even suggesting “war crimes” and even “genocide” Poppycock! The tabloids just love a good story, and to them, anything is fair game to work themselves into a frenzy over. Besides, in my grandfather’s day, thousands of British soldiers died in The War for their country, so if the Palestinians believe Gaza is theirs, they shouldn’t start whinging on about war atrocities when a few people get killed. However, the worst thing isn’t the deaths or the violence—it’s the way it affects us. I’m sure many of my fellow students are aware of the illegal protest held outside the Bodleian recently—a bunch of do-good liberals shouting about an “illegal war” — well kind reader, so close were they to the Bodleian Lower Reserve that I could not concentrate one jot on a particular text that I was reading, thanks to their incessant whining and shouting. I hope Her Majesty’s Constabulary taught them a few lessons in manners, but judging from the nanny state that is our Great Nation, I doubt it. CH

TAB TORTURE This Week’s Tab:

Martin Ball (Maths, Emmanuel)

Tortured By:

Augustus Pithithers This week’s Items List contained: Duct Tape, Nails, B&Q Ball and Claw Hammer, Motorized Sandbelt, Set of 3 Stanley Knives, Glass Aquarium filled with water. 2103 hrs After he awoke from the chloroform, I taped the Tab’s wrists and ankles together, though he still managed to catch me on the shin while wriggling about, leaving a nasty graze that required me to use a sticking plaster. A swift blow to his teeth with the ball and claw hammer taught him not to struggle again. 3 teeth lost. 1 loosened. 2107 hrs Once again using the claw hammer (note: a variety of blunt objects would provide a bit more spice for next time), I broke all of the Tab’s fingers and bent them backwards over his hands, securing them in place with nails through (roughly) the 2nd knuckle. One of the tips was lost during this process—slightly unsatisfactory. 2115 hrs Taking the largest of the stanley knives, I proceeded to carve “Oxford Blues” on the Tab’s chest, but his incessant wriggling resulted in my slipping with the knife and ruining the slogan (note: use smaller knife next time for more delicate work). 2120 hrs Having cleaned my mistake off the Tab’s chest using the motorized sandbelt, I gave him another blow to the mouth with the hammer for good measure and held his head in the aquarium for nigh on 2 minutes before he ceased moving (note: see above picture). Overall: 17 mins of reasonable pleasure.

7/10