The Moon Harvest

THE MOON HARVEST Harry J. Chong EXT. AFRICAN FARM – DAY A big white moon hangs in the clear blue sky. Below the in the field is a dark finely chiseled FARMER ploughing the field with his cattle. As he works, a woman’s voice calls to him in the nearby distance. WIFE (OS) (foreign language) Don’t forget to fix the roof! Farmer looks back at his WIFE, holding a pail of milk. He ignores her and continues ploughing. While the plough pulls forward one of his cattle accidentally steps on a hidden mine. The explosion reverberates through the field. Farmer falls back. The blood and guts of the animal hits him in the face. He screams with horror. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Somewhere in England a portly man is lecturing his son... DAD (sitting) Get a job. SEAN (standing) And what about my book? DAD What about your book? You’ve been writing that goddamn thing for five years now! SEAN Three years.

DAD Son you’re twenty six years old. It’s time to get a job and move out.

SEAN Dad you know that I have a back problem right? DAD So, then don’t find employment at a factory. Do something else. SEAN Like what? What can I get without a University education? DAD I dunno. Do telemarketing. SEAN You hate telemarketers! DAD Well I hate computers but I also work at IBM don’t I? SEAN Dad I’m not doing telemarketing. DAD So what you’re gonna do hmm? Finish that stupid book of yours and try to sell it? SEAN It’s not a stupid book. DAD A story about talking animals and children -that isn’t a stupid book? SEAN It’s a fantasy novel okay; hence the fantasy.

DAD Listen to me carefully Sean... Get a job, get a job -- get a job!

Sean begins pacing around the room. SEAN You may not think my book is important Dad, but one day it’s gonna get published and children all over the world will know my name. DAD Son let me tell you something about kids these days... They don’t read! Comic books, TV, radio, video games, that’s what they do. They do not read for fun. SEAN What about Harry Potter? DAD What about it? SEAN It was a huge phenomenon! DAD Nobody read Harry Potter okay. People went to the movies, they watched the film. They bought the book; then said they read the book just to sound smart. SEAN (leans in toward Dad) That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard of. DAD (points) So my ideas are ridiculous eh? Then why is it that nobody knew Dumbledore was a homosexual? It was clearly spelt out in the novel! SEAN It wasn’t explicit. DAD

He had sexual intercourse with Ron Weasley! SEAN That never happened! DAD Oh that’s right you read the watered down American version. MOM enters the house with groceries. Sean goes and helps Mom put the groceries in kitchen. INT. KITCHEN - DAY MOM Having a livid conversation with your father again? SEAN Unfortunately. MOM You should listen to him once in a while. He’s not as stupid as he looks. SEAN I know but it’s so frustrating. I’m trying to make my way through the world as a writer and he’s second guessing me every step of the way. MOM But you are getting a bit old now aren’t you? SEAN Aw c’mon it’s not like I’m forty.

MOM I’m not trying to push you here. But you seriously need to find yourself Sean. SEAN

I will...I will... MOM No, let me clarify. You need to find yourself with something that gives a steady paycheck. SEAN It’s always about money with you guys isn’t it? MOM Of course it’s about money. That’s what life is about isn’t it? Money. SEAN That is shallow. MOM Let me ask you a question... SEAN Okay. MOM And answer honestly. SEAN Okay. MOM Do you think people would become doctors if they got shitty wages? SEAN Maybe... MOM Oh c’mon. SEAN Alright fine. No. They wouldn’t. MOM

So why are you writing this silly book if you’re not getting any money? SEAN I will when I am done. But currently I am not yet done. MOM (sighs) And how many Chinese New Years away will that be? SEAN I’m half way there. MOM Another three bloody years?! You’ll be almost thirty by then for Pete’s sake! SEAN Fine if you want me out of the house. I will leave the house. MOM It’s not a matter of you leaving. It’s about finding your independence. Sean finishes putting away groceries. SEAN I will be gone by tomorrow morning. INT. SEAN’S BEDROOM - DAY Sean is lying down in bed with his eyes closed, when his mom enters the room with a vacuum. SEAN (opens eyes) Mum do you have to do that right now?! Mom turns off the vacuum cleaner. MOM Shouldn’t you be gone by now? SEAN

I’ll leave in the afternoon. MOM It is the afternoon. Sean looks at his alarm clock, 3:33PM SEAN Okay...I’ll leave in the night. MOM Well regardless when you leave, I don’t think it’s a good idea to spend your entire day sleeping in bed. SEAN I’m not sleeping, I’m thinking of ideas. MOM Can’t you do it on the computer? SEAN I prefer to close my eyes to visualize. MOM You can close your eyes at the computer. SEAN I like lying down. It relaxes me; gets my brain working. MOM Where’d you learn that from Larry King? SEAN It’s Stephen King, not Larry King. MOM Well excuse me! SEAN Mum would you please leave me alone? MOM After I finish vacuuming.

Sean covers his head with a pillow. INT. LOBBY - NIGHT Sean finishes hugging Mom. SEAN See yah later Mum. Thanks for all the fish. MOM Okay sure -- w-what? SEAN (turns to Dad) And dad...I never liked you. You are a dirty rotten scoundrel and you smell like cheese... But you are my father and you’ve raised me all these years with the best of intentions. And I believe I am obliged to love you. Sean hugs Dad. SEAN So goodbye daddy and thanks for everything! Sean leaves. He waves good-bye. EXT. STREETS - DAY While walking through the snow with his suitcase, Sean encounters a knife wielding ROBBER. The Robber has half his face covered with a lovely checkered green scarf. ROBBER This is a robbery! SEAN That’s asinine. ROBBER What? SEAN

When you try to rob someone, you don’t indicate that it’s a robbery. ROBBER And why the bloody hell not? SEAN People know what a robbery looks like okay. You don’t need to tell them. It’s damn near patronizing. ROBBER So what should I do? SEAN Hand me your knife... Robber looks sceptically at Sean. SEAN C’mon I’ll show you how to do it. Robber hands his knife to Sean. SEAN When you rob somebody you have to try and sound intimidating. The first thing you gotta do is yell --AGHHHHHHHH! See just like that. ROBBER Wow that is barbaric. SEAN Yes but it spooks your victim, no? ROBBER I suppose. SEAN Right, so then after you scare them witless, that is when you make your demand. ROBBER Mm I dunno...can I have my knife back now?

Sean smirks. EXT. TRAIN STATION - NIGHT Sean is at the train station wearing the robber’s scarf. He is standing beside a cute blonde girl. The train arrives. CONDUCTOR All aboard! FIONA God I hate when they say that. SEAN I think it’s quite charming. FIONA Like you know anything. Sean shrugs and gets inside the train. INT. TRAIN CABIN - NIGHT Sean is reading newspaper when FIONA enters. She sits down and cranks up the volume on her iPod. She begins to sing off key. Sean puts down his paper. SEAN Excuse me could you not... Fiona takes off her headphones. SEAN Oh it’s you. Miss Crabby. FIONA (glares) What was that? SEAN Um...I was just going to ask if you could refrain from singing...because I’m trying to read the paper. FIONA

You don’t like my singing? SEAN Not really. No. FIONA But I’m a fantastic singer. SEAN Says who? FIONA My boyfriend. SEAN Is he deaf? FIONAL No, why? SEAN So I assume the sex is good then? FIONA Oh you’re such a pervert! SEAN Hey don’t get offended because you sing like a drowning cat. FIONA Why you little...I’ll show you. Fiona stands up and opens the door. SEAN What’re you doing? FIONA I’m going to prove to you what a fantastic singer I am! SEAN By opening the door?

FIONA No! I’m going to sing for the other passengers. You’ll see! My voice’ll make them praise me from a mountaintop! SEAN Probably to escape your voice. FIONA Shut up. Fiona approaches an elderly man wearing GLASSES, traveling through the hallway. FIONA Excuse me would you like to hear me sing? GLASSES Well if your voice is pretty as your face... FIONA It is, it is. GLASSES Alright sure. Just give me a second to adjust my hearing aid. Glasses adjusts his hearing aid. Sean covers his ears. Fiona breathes deep and begins to sing. The old man’s glasses shatters into a hundred pieces. He puts the frames atop his head and pushes back his frayed hair in astonishment. FIONA How was it? GLASSES Um... Glasses looks at Sean. Sean shrugs. GLASSES Well you certainly sing better than William Shatner.

FIONA (turns to Sean) See! He said I can sing better than William Shatner! GLASSES Excuse me I must be going now. Glasses stumbles down the hallway. GLASSES (mumbling) Oh my, oh my... Fiona smiles. INT. TRAIN CABIN – DAY, MORNING Sean wakes up to the sun gently shining on his face. He rubs his eyes and looks around, he notices Fiona is gone. The train slows down and comes to a stop. Sean takes off his blanket and gets up. EXT. BUS STOP - DAY Sean has arrived in London. He looks at his watch as he waits. The London Bus arrives on schedule. INT. LONDON BUS - DAY Sean gets onto the bus. He drops a token into the box and goes to the back where there is an enormously fat TEEN reading a comic book. SEAN Hello. Is this seat taken? Teen grunts and flips the page of his comic book. The bus begins to move. SEAN (louder) Would you mind if I sit down beside you? I’ve had quite an exhausting day.

The fat Teen slides over. Sean squishes between his large leg and the wall. SEAN (bored) ...So you live around here? Teen ignores Sean. SEAN (louder) Do you live around here? TEEN No just visiting my granny. SEAN Oh that’s nice. TEEN Not really. I’m just going for the presents. SEAN Okay that’s not as nice...but regardless I’m sure she appreciates your company. TEEN No not really. SEAN Oh... TEEN Not much to say now ah? SEAN What else is there to say? TEEN How about, “How’s the weather?” that’s a real conversation starter -- especially when people reply it’s shitty. SEAN

That’s the weather in London I suppose... One has to get used to it. TEEN Screw the Queen and screw London, I’m gonna live in America. SEAN Latin America? TEEN What’re you daft man? SEAN Then The United States I presume. TEEN California. SEAN Oh California. I hear it’s quite nice. Lots of beaches yeah? TEEN And Paris Hilton... SEAN You like Paris Hilton? TEEN She’s got a spectacular body. I mean her face isn’t all there, but let’s not get picky. SEAN I...I don’t really like Paris Hilton. TEEN What are you a fag? SEAN Which type are we talking about here? TEEN Not the one you stick in your mouth. SEAN

I’m still a bit confused. TEEN Cigarettes, not cigarettes. SEAN Oh wow, that’s a bit offensive... Don’t you think? TEEN That’s life m’bloke. Get used to it. It’s tough titties. Sean pushes the stop request button and gets up from his seat. EXT. BAKERY - DAY Sean gets off the bus and enters the bakery. INT. BAKER - DAY Sean walks past a patron carrying a loaf of bread and goes over to the counter. He rings the service bell. A CLERK pops up from behind. CLERK Hello can I help you? SEAN Yes I saw an ad in the newspaper. It says that you’re hiring. Sean takes out the ad and hands it to Clerk. CLERK (glances) Let me get an application form. Clerk goes to the back. A beautiful GIRL enters the bakery. She goes over to the counter beside Sean. GIRL (waves shyly) Hi. SEAN (returns gesture) Hi.

Clerk returns. CLERK Alright fill out this and... Clerk is stunned by how beautiful Girl is. GIRL (smiles) Hi. CLERK Uh... SEAN You are going to say something right? CLERK C-can I help you? GIRL My girlfriend told me you guys are hiring. Um are there any positions still available? CLERK (VO) Doggy Style. Clerk spaces out.

GIRL Well are there any positions available? CLERK Yes uh actually there’s an uh opening for an uh assistant baker...it’s yours if you want it. GIRL ...I’ll take it! CLERK Great you can start right now. I’ll fill out the paperwork for you.

Girl goes behind the counter. CLERK Just um go to the back and my dad will tell you what to do... Clerk’s eyes follow Girl as she steps behind the curtains and into the back of the bakery. Sean looks annoyed. He loudly clears his throat. Clerk turns back round. CLERK Oh you’re still here. SEAN You gave that girl my job. CLERK Uh you know what they say, first come first serve. SEAN But I came first. CLERK Uh, how old are you again? SEAN I turned 26 last week. Why?

CLERK Well I’m pretty sure that sexy girl is 27... So uh technically she came first. SEAN That is complete balderdash and you know it. Clerk sighs. He gives Sean a box of Danishes. SEAN What is this? CLERK Danishes, they’ll make you feel better.

SEAN But I don’t like Danishes. CLERK That is the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life...Now please, get out of my store if you’re not gonna buy anything. SEAN Alright I’m leaving. Sean takes the box of Danishes. SEAN (CONT’D) But I won’t enjoy these. CLERK Oh I think you will. Sean leaves the bakery. EXT. STREETS OF LONDON - DAY Sean walks down the street, where he is approached by a BUM. BUM Spare some change? Sean hands Bum the box Danishes and walks away. Bum opens the box and smiles. He takes out a lemon Danish and takes a large bite. EXT. WATER FOUNTAIN - NIGHT Sean sits down by the water fountain. He looks exhausted. As he wipes back his frayed hair a young man, HENRY, takes a seat beside. He is dressed in a soldier’s uniform; no helmet though. HENRY (looks at Sean’s puffy eyes) Gee, you look tired. What happen? Fought a war? Heh-heh. SEAN Oh bug off.

Henry puts his arm around Sean. HENRY Come now, I was just teasing. SEAN Sorry I’m just a bit worn today. HENRY Didn’t find that job you were lookin’ for ah? Sean sits up, pays attention. SEAN How’d you know I was looking for a job? HENRY Well your dreary attire certainly says something. SEAN (looks at clothes) It’s not dreary...it’s old fashioned. HENRY Stop being a cheap bastard. SEAN Look buddy if I had the money for a new suit I’d get one. But I don’t. So what do you expect me to do? Pull a wad of bills out my ass? HENRY Hey it’s not what you have; it’s what you do with what you have. SEAN And what shall I do with nothing? HENRY I dunno. SEAN

For Pete’s sake man, I don’t even have a place to stay! HENRY You know there’s a homeless shelter around the corner. SEAN I’m not staying in a smelly homeless shelter. HENRY Or you could stay with me! SEAN I would rather stay in a smelly homeless shelter. SLD: Oh come now! There’s no need for paranoia. It’s not like I’m going to steal your liver -- because it’s in very high demand y’know. S: I’d prefer not. S stands up. SLD stands up and grabs S by shirt. SLD: You’re gonna die out there! God blast! It’s five below! S pulls away. S: I can manage. Thanks. S leaves. PARK BENCH S sleeps on a park bench, using a paper as a pillow. A cop comes by and pokes him in the ribs with his nightstick. COP: Bench ain’t for sleepin’. S (rubs eyes): Huh?

COP: Bench ain’t for sleepin’. So please remove yourself from the premises or sit up...and no slouching. S: But I, I don’t have a place to stay. COP: Not my problem. S gets up and leaves. Cop twirls his baton and whistles. A real cop comes by. RCOP: Eh! You there! Cop sees real cop and runs. RCOP: Stop! Impostor! S sleeps underneath a tree. A squirrel climbs on his chest and looks at him. S wakes up and screams. The squirrel runs away. S: Ah bloody squirrels... SLD: You know there aren’t any squirrel problems indoors. (OS) SLD hops down from the tree. S: You! SLD: Me! Yes I’ve returned. S stands. S: What’re you doing? Spying on me? SLD: Stalking. It’s called stalking. S: You better leave me alone or I may have to resort to the deadly arts. SLD: You mean like Karate? S: Is there any other? SLD: ...Ha-ha-ha-ha!

S: What’s so funny? SLD: I may be lame in the leg – and you may know martial arts -- but I can certainly kick your arse. S takes deep breath and gets into karate. SLD: You can’t be serious. S gestures come-hither. SLD throws a snowball and grabs S into an arm lock. S: Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! SLD: This may not be the appropriate time...but would you like to come to my place for dinner? S: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SLD: A simple “yes” or “no” would suffice. S: Yes! Just let go of my arm. SLD lets go. S rubs his arm. SLD: Let’s go then shall we? S glares. MANSION SLD and S walk toward the mansion. S: So what are you like the butler here? SLD: No the place is mine. S: How could you afford such a palace? SLD: Pop and Mumsy left it in the will, yeah. S: Oh I’m so sorry...what happened to them?

SLD: Mumsy caught Pop in the act of cheating so she shot him to death...turns out it was actually a doll...so she offed herself out of guilt. Hung on a tree with a telephone cord believe it or not. S: Yikes. SLD and S enter the mansion. DINING ROOM SLD and S sit across each other from a super long dining table. S: I think this table is a little too large. SLD: WHAT?! S: It’s a little too large! SLD: Yeah I know! My feet do smell like corn chips! S: That’s not what I said! SLD: Take as much as you like! S takes his plate over to SLD S: I think it’ll be better if we sit together. SLD: WHAT?! S rolls his eyes and sits down. SLD: Just kidding. Heh-heh. S digs into his food. SLD: So how’s your meal? S: Not bad I suppose. SLD: I cooked it myself.

S: ...Truly outrageous. SLD: Pardon? S: Your cooking is truly outrageous. SLD: Is that a compliment? S: Sort of. SLD: I’ve never heard of that phrase before. S: In that case you should really check out the cartoon, Jem and the Holograms. SLD: Jem and the Holograms -- why does that sound so familiar? S: It’s a music cartoon from the late 1980s. SLD: You mean the cartoon with the rocking transvestites? Oh that was a fabulous show...really ahead of its time. S: The show did NOT have rocking transvestites! SLD: Are you sure? I’m pretty sure that Kimber was at least a lesbian. S: Kimber was not a lesbian! SLD: ...No need to get a offended. It was just a cartoon. S: A cartoon?! Just a cartoon?! SLD nods. S: Well I guess you’re the type who considers the “Mona Lisa” just a drawing! SLD: Technically it’s a painting...but yes I do consider it somewhat of “just a drawing.” S slaps forhead.

S: Oh my god... SLD: Look here, art is subjective; I’m just stating my personal opinion. The Mona Lisa’s a piece of rubbish. She doesn’t even have eyebrows...what kind of hideous female doesn’t have eyebrows? S: ...You’re rubbish! SLD eats food. Has nothing to say. BEDROOM SLD hands S blankets and pillow. SLD: Here’s your blanket, freshly washed, and here’s you pillow. S: Are you sure this isn’t an inconvenience? SLD: No not at all. I enjoy the company. If you can believe it or not I actually like people. S: Forgive me but I’m still a bit reluctant about this. In spite of your hospitality, I’ll always be wary of the human condition. SLD: Jeez you’re really untrusting aren’t you? What happened, got buggered when you were a little kid or something? S: I’m going to bed now. S goes inside and shuts the door. He lies down with his eyes open. A CRASH noise is heard. SLD bursts into the room. SLD: Quick call the Bobbies! S: Wait -- aren’t you a soldier?

SLD: Erm... S hops out of the bed. S: Get your gun. LIVING ROOM S and SLD look at the glass on the floor. S picks up a piece. S: We’re dealing with a clever burglar here...he figured out how to surpass the transparent barrier known as glass. A NOISE. S, SLD turn around. There is a gorilla standing across. He grunts. SLD holds back S. SLD: Don’t move! Gorillas can’t detect prey without movement. The Gorilla drags its knuckles forward. S: It can see us. SLD aims his gun. His arms shake. SLD: Oh God I’ve never killed anyone before. The gorilla charges forward. SLD shoots it dead. He pokes it with his rifle. SLD: I think he’s dead. S SLEEPING in bed. The sheets are pulled off by SLD. SLD: Morning Little Miss Sunshine! S grabs the covers and rolls back up. S: Ugh five more minutes... SLD grabs the sheets again.

SLD: No, no, no. It’s time to find a job. Self reliance, independence...that’s what it’s all about! S: Okay. Leave the room. I’m gonna change. SLD leaves. S gets up and shuts the door. He gets back into bed. Recruitment Center S: What are we doing at an army recruitment center? SLD: To get you a job of course. S: Listen to me _____. I don’t want to be a soldier. SLD: C’mon your back problem isn’t that bad is it? S: How do you know about my back problem? SLD: I just observed your posture; your poor, poor posture. S: Well knock it off _______, I don’t like being observed. SLD: Oh come now. I’m just being attentive that’s all. S: Well if you’re so attentive, why don’t you observe the idiocy of becoming a soldier? SLD: There’s nothing idiotic about fighting for your country. S: It is when you don’t know what you’re fighting for. RECRUITMENT CENTER

GEN: Fill out these sheets and return it to the desk. General hands Son a sheet. Son and SLD go to sit down. Son takes out a pen and starts filling the form. Female enters the recruitment office. SLD looks. She takes a seat beside him. SLD: If you need help filling out them sheets... FML: No thank you. I can read and write myself. (Rolls eyes) SLD: Alright then it’s your choice... SLD elbows. SLD: Pssssst (to Son). SON: What? SLD: Check out the blonde bombshell. SON: Hey I know that chick. FML: I can hear you guys talking. SLD: Sorry I thought you were deaf. FML: Well I’m not. So if you have something to say to me, say it to my face. SLD: There’s no need for hostility. I’m not a pervert of anything like that -- I just find your voice so peculiar. It’s very attractive. Are you a singer? Would you like to sing for us? Son shakes his head, no. SON: Noooo (whispering).

Female takes in a deep breath and sings, her voice sounds professional. SON: You can sing! FML: Yes thank you I’m well aware of my talents. SON: But on the train you... FML: It’s called having a sore throat. SON: If you can sing so great -- why are you signing up for the military? FML: To defend my country of course. SLD: Now she understands the military. FML: And to earn some money for my implants. SON: Implants? Like breast implants? Female sticks out her chest. FML: Look at my chest. SLD: Okay. FML: Look at how flat it is. If it were made out of metal it could be an ironing board. SON: I think it looks fine. FML: Sure it looks fine here...but on the tele’ it’s a different story. SON: What does television have to do with anything? FML: Image y’bloke! Image! If I don’t have the right image I can’t be a singer! SON: And big breasts are going to solve that problem?

FML: Certainly...but of course I need the proper funding to do it first...it’s like a thousand quid for one tit. SLD: Oh joining the army for vanity...that is a quick way to death. SON: But I thought you said rates of casualty were quite low. SLD: I lied. I lied about everything. The army is a death trap. War is a death trap. I just got you to signup for the referral fee...that’s how I got my mansion, sending people to their death. (Sniffs) SON: You son of a...that’s it I’m not signing this. Son crumples up the paper and throws it away. SLD: Jeez I was just kidding. Take a joke __________. There hasn’t been a war for twenty years. SLD gets up and picks up the paper; he tosses it back to Son. SLD: Ymra eht nioj. BARBER SHOP Barber turns on the shaver. BZZZZZT. Some guy struggles, is being held down. SMGUY: No you can’t cut my hair! It’s who I am man! (Cutting) Aughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Back with son and SLD. SLD with shaver. S: Hair doesn’t have any feeling right? SMGUY: (OS) Oh God I’m hideous!

SLD: I hope not. SLD turns on the shaver. Military DORMITORY Men stand in line as the Sergeant walks by and lectures. SRG: I want you boys to know that in the army we are NOT individuals...rather we are a team that acts like an individual...so in order for us to be successful, we must work together and get along. Furthermore -S: Excuse me! SRG: Please. If you have a question, raise your hand. S raises hand. S: When are you going to call us names and yell at us? SRG: You want me to be a twat is that it? S: Well in the movies... SRG: Well in the movies...we are not in the movies. S: But... SRG faces S. SRG: Let me be clear to you maggot. This is reality. We are not in Saving Ryan’s Privates! The troops laugh. SRG: Shut up! The troops stop laughing.

SRG: Shut up and stop laughing you lousy scumbags! Good for nothing garbage eaters! Look at you! You fairies! SRG walks. SRG: Where did you all come from?! A dinosaur’s bum-bum?! Splashy Pants giggles. SRG walks up to him. SRG: Do you find something funny?! SPNT salutes. SPNT: No sir! I do not! SRG: Then wipe that big goddamn smirk off your face! Splashy can’t. SRG: Still smiling eh?! Well smile at this! (Sarge splashes water onto Splashy’s pants) SPNT: What -- what was that for?! SRG: From now on you will be known as Mister Splashy Pants! SPNT: My name is Craig. SRG puts SPNT into a headlock. SRG: What’s your name?! SPNT: Mr. Splashy Pants! Sarge lets go. Splashy covers his face in shame. Sarge goes up to a guy with a wig. Taps on his head. SRG: What is this? Did you not receive a haircut?!

WIG: I did in fact receive a haircut. SRG: Then why is your hair longer than my penis!!! WIG: For your information Sarge I am wearing a wig... Quite fashionable isn’t it? Wig touches his wig. Sarge grabs WIG by the ear and pulls him to his knees. SRG: Take that pile of pubes off your head! Wig takes it off. SRG: Now eat it! (point) WIG: But... SRG: No buts soldier! This is not a Sir Mix-alot video! “Baby Got Back” song plays. Sarge turns around. Music stops. Walks out to middle. SRG: Who is the joker? The troops keep hush. Sarge grabs one of the soldiers. SRG: Is it you?! I should’ve known! You look like you like big butts! More cushion for the pushin’ am I right?! SLD steps forward. SLD: It wasn’t him sir. It was me. SRG goes to SLD. SRG: So you think ‘cause you’ve been here longer than everyone you can act like a JOKER?! SLD: No sir!

SRG: Get down and gimme a hundred! SLD gets down and starts doing push-ups. SRG: Now -- does anybody else wants to tell me how to do me job? Random soldier starts crying. FIELD S is running through a field; he looks like a soldier. He goes up a hill and hides behind a rock. He takes his binoculars out of his backpack and looks out into the field. His binoculars black out. He puts down his binoculars and is hit in the forehead with a red paintball. S: Augh! S wipes the paint off. Sarge steps out behind the shrubs. He shoots S again in the chest. SRG: Bang! You’re dead! Now what?! Now what does the dead have to say?! S: I -- I should’ve used my periscope. SRG: It’s too late. You’re dead. You can’t go back in time. S: Can -- can I leave now? Sarge shoots S with the paintball gun again. SRG: Go on. Get out of here. MESS HALL Place is crowded. Women can be seen by the windows doing jumping jacks. SLD sits down beside S.

SLD: How was training? S: I died. S eats his slop. SLD: Use your common sense. S: Sometimes common sense isn’t so common. Biggums comes up to the table. BIG: Is this seat taken? S: Help yourself. Big sits down. He eats his food messily. S: Um so what were we talkin’ about? SLD: Pudding. Why don’t they have pudding for dogs? I mean they have those long tongues what not...I’m sure they would enjoy it. BIG: I like pudding. S: What kind of pudding are we talking about here, the solid kind or the paste-like liquid? SLD: The liquid kind of course. S: ...I say! That sounds like a stupendous idea! SLD: Pudding for dogs! We could be millionaires! BIG: How about cats? I like cats. S and SLD eat their meals, ignoring Biggum. Son reaches for an apple. A dude with a buzzcut picks up Son’s apple and throws it. It lands in somebody’s soup.

S: Hey! I was gonna eat that! BUZZ: This table ain’t for bitches. (points) Your eating area is in the corner. SLD stands up. SLD: Let’s not be hostile. We wouldn’t want to break out into shenanigans would we? Buzz punches SLD in the stomach. He falls to the floor. S: You skeevy cunt! Son throws a punch. Buzz grabs his fist and kicks him into the wall. Biggum stands up and glares. BUZZ: What’s the matter fatty? Lost your bowl of Jelly? Biggum grabs buzz and throws across the mess hall and onto a table. Splat! The mess goes everywhere. The soldiers stare at each other. They start a food fight. S crawls along the floor and avoids the flying food. He crawls under a table with SLD for cover. SLD hands him a tray to cover his face. Sarge bursts into the mess hall and blows a whistle. Everyone freezes. SRG: What is the Queen’s name is going on in here?! Who is responsible for this mess?! The soldiers point under the table. Sarge marches over. He looks and under and pushes aside the table where S and SLD are. SLD: Hello (waves) SRG: Get to your feet.

SLD and SON stand up. SRG: What were you thinking? SLD: It wasn’t our fault Sarge. We were victims. SRG: I’ll tell you who the victims were -- the starving children in Africa. S: What does Africa have to do with anything? Sarge slaps Son upside his head. SRG: Don’t be disrespectful! SLD: Oh Sarge! What happened to you? You used to be so good. SRG: Don’t you remember? Your friend here (points) wanted me to be Mr. Tough Balls. SLD: But you didn’t have to take his suggestion. SRG: No I didn’t -- but I stuck with it. I realized the boorish American attitude is a lot more effective... It’s incredible how much time I have on my hands. I even took up cigar collecting... Sarge takes out a cigar and chomps on the end. He spits it at son and takes out a Zippo and lights it. He smokes. SRG: Oh I’m definitely in flavour country now. (spaces) SLD: Um... SRG: Oh yes your punishment! Um -- toilet duty for everyone! 5:00AM tomorrow!

Sarge leaves. The others stare at S and SLD. They duck down and avoid the barrage of food. DORMITORY Son finishes writing a letter on the top bunk above SLD. He puts the letter into an envelope and seals it with his tongue. He turns off his headlamp, tucks the letter under his pillow and goes to sleep. A bunch of boys go up to SLD’s bed and wake him up. LEN: It’s time for the hazing. Son rolls over in his bed. Grabs his pillow. LAKE Son snores. A bird lands on his head. He brushes it off with his hand and wakes up. He looks up into the sky and realizes he is outside, his bed floating on a wooden raft. Son looks into the lake, side to side in disbelief. He sees a fish. FEMALE and some other soldiers on a rubber raft float by. FML: Hey! Son looks. FML: Nice jammies! The girls giggle. S: Yeah?! Well...nice breasts! The girls look confused; they look at each other’s chests. S covers his head with his blanket.

S’ PARENTS LIVING ROOM S’ dad is sitting on the couch flipping channels. Mom is reading a romance novel. Channel stops on the BBC NEWS. Civil unrest and war in the city of _______________________. “The capital city of the sovereign nation of Mugabo has just been captured by the rebels of Enndali. They have cited inequality as the predominant reason for their actions. However it is believed that...” D: Boooring! Dad changes the channel. AIRPLANE The troops sit inside, at the back of the airplane. Son looks stone-faced, sitting beside SLD, and Biggum. Buzz is there too. SLD: What’s the problem pal-e, nervous about the big jump? S leans away. SLD: Is this about putting you up the lake? C’mon that was weeks ago...have a sense of humour! S folds his arms. BUZZ: Looks like the couple is finally having a fight! Heh-heh-heh. SLD: Shut-up. SLD puts his arm around S. SLD: I know what this is about.

S: What is it about? SLD: When I kissed ____________. S: No, that’s not the reason why. SLD: Then maybe I should just kiss her again? (jokingly) S stands up. He goes to the other side and sits beside Buzz. Biggum slides over and takes S’s spot. BUZZ: Don’t worry chum. He’s a real douche bag. CAP: Alright everyone! Get ready! The plane hatch opens up. The boys stand up and let he wind blows against their faces. CAP: In three, two... Outside a shoe billed stork accidentally flies into one of the airplane’s engines. The plane experiences turbulence. The bump causes S to fall and fall out the back. WIG: Holy Christ! CAP: I need to make an emergency landing! You boys are gonna hafta jump! SLD runs and jumps out the plane. The other soldiers follow. EXT. JUNGLE - DAY The soldiers land in the thick of the jungle. They release themselves of their parachutes. BUZZ: Why did they have to land us in a bloody jungle? HENRY

(looks) Hey where’s Sean? S: (OS) Up here! The troops see S hanging in a tree. SLD: You have to cut your straps! S: It’s too high! SLD: Biggums will catch you! Biggums stands underneath S and puts out his arms. S cuts himself down. He misses Biggums and lands on a bush. S holds his back. S: Oh good god! My back! My beautiful back! Agh! The pain! The pain! SLD: ...You alright? S groans. JUNGLE TRAIL SLD leads the way, he has a slight limp. S holds his back. BUZZ: I’ve never been to Africa before. JOE: I’ve never been outside before. SLD: Will you limeys keep it down? We have to find the military base...Terry what does the map say? Terry looks at the map and compass. TER: I believe we’re headed in the right direction. BUZZ: How the hell can you tell where we’re going? It’s all flipping bush.

TER: What you think you can do a better job, Buzz? YOU THINK YOU CAN DO A BETTER JOB?! SLD: Terry! Relax... TER: Sorry. (stutter) The pressure of war is really gettin’ to me. S: Jesus Christ Terry. It’s only been twenty minutes. TER: I know. BUZZ: (under breath) What a douche... Looking at the map Terry gets distracted and veers slight off course, he screams and falls into a pit. TER: AUGHHHHHHH! S: What was that? Son looks into the pit. The troops gather around. TER: My leg...I think I broke my leg. SLD: Are you sure? TER: Let me check. Terry moves his leg and screams. Aughhh! SLD: Terry. Whatever you do, do not move. TER: Oh shite! I was planning on doing the Macarena down here. SLD: Biggums. Grab a stick. Biggums looks around. He grabs a log. SLD: Lower it inside...slowly.

Biggums lower the log inside. TER: What’s all this then? SLD: Grab on. TER: I can’t hold onto this. It’s rough like a penis. BUZZ: Penises ain’t rough yah douche. TER: Well maybe not yours... SLD: Just grab the bloody log! Terry grabs his map and hangs to the log. The boys grunt and hoist up the log. S: Now what? (pissed) SLD: Somebody’s gotta carry him. TER: I’m not a baby I don’t need to be carried. Biggum picks up Terry and puts him over his shoulder. TER: Hey! SLD: C’mon. It’s gonna get dark soon. JUNGLE - NIGHT FALLING SLD shines his Surefire through the forest. JOE: Admit it we’re lost ______. SLD: Well I’m not the map reader... TER: Well I’m not -- Rand McNally. JOE: Who? TER: The mapmaker, the bloody mapmaker.

SLD: Let me see that thing. SLD grabs the Map. TER: Hey! SLD peruses the map. SLD: God blast. This doesn’t even look like the correct map. Joe looks over SLD’s shoulder at the map. JOE: No. It’s the correct map alright -- but it appears we are in the incorrect place. SLD crumples the map and throws it away. BUZZ: So what’s the plan now Captain Kangaroo? SLD: We rest... JUNGLE CAMPING AT NIGHT Sounds of the jungle. The soldiers sleep lined up like sardines in a tin can; packed tightly. Terry sleeps with his legged propped up over a log. The noise of a HOWLER MONKEY wakes him up. He sits up, looks around and shakes Biggums. TER: Biggums. Did you hear that? Biggum groans and rolls over. And softly SNORES. The Howler Monkey howls again. The branches in the tree shake. Terry takes out his handgun. He pulls back the slide and points up. Terry’s hand shakes. Glowing eyes appear in the darkness; then suddenly howler monkey appears out of the tree. Its shiny fur

captures the bluish moonlight. The creature howls at the moon. It leaps to another tree. Terry puts down his gun. TER: Oh it’s just a monkey. Terry lies his head back down. He is grabbed from behind by an unknown force. His feet kick and scrape against the ground as he is dragged away. JUNGLE CAMPING – DAY The light through the leaves of the tree shine on SLD’s face. He wakes up and gets to his feet. He yawns and stretches. SLD notices that Terry is missing. He walks over to his sleeping spot and notices the drags in the soil. SLD: Anybody know where Terry is? The boys begin to stir. JOE: Probably takin’ a piss or somethin’. SLD: Terry! SLD looks around. SLD: I think something happened to Terry. It’s not like him to disappear like this. JOE: Maybe he got eaten by a tiger. S: There aren’t any tigers in Africa. JOE: Are you sure? Have you checked your facts on the Wikipedia? SLD: Come on everybody! SLD claps.

SLD: It’s time to get up! Get up! Get up! The soldiers get up. Buzz covers his eyes with his arm. SLD nudges him with his foot. SLD: Come on Buzz! Get up! BUZZ: Ugh... Buzz gets up. He dusts off his pants. SLD: Okay troops listen up. One of our men is missing...and I don’t know what happened to him...but we are going look for him. So from here on out I don’t want anyone complaining. As I always say... ALL TOGETHER: No man left behind. SLD: Right. JOE: Hey um didn’t you steal that saying from Black Hawk Down? SLD: What you have a problem with Black Hawk Down? JOE: No. I...I’m just concerned that we may be infringing on certain copyrights here. BUZZ: We’re out in the middle of a jungle yah big douche. Who the bloody hell do you think is gonna hear us? Joe looks into the camera. S: Let’s just get this over with already. SLD leads the troops. They walk through the jungle... JOE: You think he’s hiding from us? SPNT: What kind of sick-o would play hide and peak during a war?

WIG: Hitler? SPNT: Hitler??? WIG: Yeah...Hitler...Remember? During world war two? He hid in the bunker with Eva Braun. SPNT: Actually I don’t remember. I never existed during the 1940s. WIG: You know what I meant Splashy Pants. SPNT: (Points) Hey...don’t call me Splashy Pants. My name is Craig. WIG: Whatever you say Craig. A spear suddenly flies out from the bushes. It arcs over Wig’s head nearly missing him and hits behind a tree. Wig looks back. WIG: Holy Christ. A native of the jungle jumps out and starts raving and ranting with another spear in his hand. He is wearing a traditional African mask. The boys pull out their guns. The native continues to rant. Son steps out in front and spreads back his arms. S: Wait! He’s trying to warn us... BUZZ: Of what, a spear in the head? S: No. He’s saying...he’s saying... The native rambles fervently in his foreign language. S: (CONT’D) Not to go ahead into the city...of the forbidden.

The native continues. S: There is a great danger ahead...turn back now. Your lives are at stake... BUZZ: Are we really gonna let this douchee spear chucker tell us what to do? S turns to Buzz. S: That is incredibly racist and derogatory. BUZZ: What I can’t call him a spear chucker because he’s African? ...He literally chucked a spear at us! S: Fine whatever just... The boys turn back, only to see the native is gone. S: Where’d he go? JOE: I don’t like this. I think we should turn back. SLD: Not ‘till we find Terry. JOE: Forget Terry...it’s every man for himself! Augh! Joe proceeds to dash off but is grabbed back by the collar. SLD: Get back here. HILL & WATER FALL - AFTERNOON The soldiers get up a large hill which overlooking a waterfall. WIG: Oh! What beautiful waterfall. SLG: God blast we didn’t come here to sightsee.

Splashypants takes out his binoculars and looks. His binocular view pauses over the waterfalls. There is a dead body floating in the pool below the waterfall. SPNT: Oh good lord. S: What is it? Splashy lends S his binoculars. S: Oh shit. S hands SLD the binoculars. SLD: Aw jeez...a dead body and we haven’t even started fighting yet. S: Should we go down and retrieve his dog tag? SLD: Oh you’re talking to me again! S: It was a general a question to the group; but if you wanna take it that way, sure whatever you want. It’s a free country. SLD: I’m not so sure about that. THUNDER STORM The sky becomes dark. Thunder claps, lightening strikes. Rain pours as the boys walk through the jungle to get to waterfall. Mud sloshes as the boys’ boots stomp in the mud. S slips in the mud. S: Feck! SLD helps S to his feet. SLD: Come on it’s not that far! SLD leads the boys through the mud and rain. A lightening bolt strikes a tree. The

tree starts to fall. The boys quickly move back and SLD dives to the other side and avoids getting crushed. The huge fallen tree blocks the path. S: ____________ you okay?! SLD: Yeah! Just a little shaken... BUZZ: That’s it! I’ve had enough of this jungle boogie! Buzz shoots through the tree. SLD covers his head and buries into the mud to avoid the barrage of bullets. SLD: Buzz yah moron! You’re shooting through the tree! Buzz stops shooting. SLD gets up; he breathes heavily, and glares at Buzz. BUZZ: My bad. SLD: Let’s get moving. SPNT: How we gonna get to the other side? SLD: I dunno. Try jumping. Splashy steps back. He runs forward and tries to grab the tree trunk and climb over, but it is too wet. He slips and falls on his bottom. The soldiers laugh. SPNT: It’s a lot hard than it looks you know! Splashy/Craig gets up and wipes his hair to the side. WIG: Lemme try...

Wig runs to the tree and tries to hop over but falls. JOE: Call me idiotic -- but I think we should try another approach. S gets on the ground and looks below the tree. S: I think there’s enough space to crawl underneath. S crawls underneath the tree, SLD helps him up. The other boys, except Biggums, follow his cue. Biggums stands and stares. JOE: C’mon Biggums! It ain’t that tight of a fit! Biggums looks carefully at the fallen tree. He steps backward...and charges straight through the tree. SMASH! The soldiers pause and stare, as if surprised. JOE: ...I knew he was gonna do that. WATERFALLS The boys arrive at the waterfalls and look around. BUZZ: So where’s there cadaver? WIG: I don’t see anything. SPNT: I could’ve sworn I saw something floating in the water. WIG: Maybe...maybe he sank to the bottom. BUZZ: Somebody should go in and check. S: I’ll go. S steps forward.

SLD: No it’s too dangerous. S: I know how to swim. SLD: I don’t care how well you can swim...there might be something in the water. BUZZ: Like what a shark? SLD: Maybe... WIG: I don’t think there are any sharks in fresh water. S: Bull shark. WIG: And you really think it’s in there? BUZZ: Enough with the chitchat already. Buzz pushes Splashy into the basin. UGH! Splashy shakes his fist in rage. SPNT: Buzz you bloody prick! Splashy puts his hand on the ledge to climb out, but Buzz puts his foot on top of his head and kicks him back. BUZZ: You’re in there you may as well look. SPNT: Fine! Splashy splashes waters on Buzz. SPNT: (CONT’D) Yah salty cunt. I’ll look. Splashy wades out into the water. He submerges under and looks. SPNT: (Turns) I can’t see anything! BUZZ: Keep looking!

Splashy pants is pulled under the water by an unknown. Splashy bobs back up and screams. AGH! He fervently treads forward. Splashy is whipped around in the water. WIG: Oh shite. SLD: Get the rope! Get the rope! S takes out a rope and makes a lasso. He tosses it to Splashy. SLD: Grab hold! Everyone grabs hold of the rope with Biggums at the back. They pull as hard they can. They lock their feet together and pull. Splashy screams. The rope breaks. The boys fall back. Splashy sinks below the water. Seconds, which seem like hours, pass. Splashy emerges from the water and the edge. He gasps for air. The soldiers grab him up. His boots and socks are missing and the bottoms of his pants are ripped to shreds. There are cuts and scrapes all along his legs. The boys are in shock. WIG: Holy Christ! JOE: What was that thing?! SPLASHY: (wary, tired) Oh it’s okay guys I don’t need any medical attention. S goes into his med-kit and takes out scissors and bandages. He cuts off the tattered parts of Splashy’s pants and wraps his legs in bandage. SLD takes out a flask of whiskey and gently puts it against Splashy’s mouth.

SLD: Take a swig it’ll make yah feel better. Splashy takes a swig of the whiskey. SPNT: Oh that’s good... JOE: Well what grabbed you? SPNT: I don’t know. I couldn’t see. But it took my boots. BIG: I saw something. JOE: What did you see? BIG: A tentacle. WIG: Like an octopus? Biggums nods his head. BUZZ: Octopussy my arse. Buzz takes a grenade and chucks it into the water. SLD: Buzz no! The soldiers stare with anticipation. The grenade pops up from the water into the air and heads toward the boys. Biggums grabs Splashy. They take cover and dive into the cave behind the waterfall. (There are cave paintings of monsters on the wall fighting with people). The grenade explodes, sending shrapnel flying in all directions; over the heads of the soldiers. JOE: Now you’ve done it! Now you’ve done it! You’ve upset the gods! BUZZ: (nervous smile) ...All’s well that ends well?

A purplish barbed tentacle bursts through the waterfall. The boys scream as it whips around like a wild snake. They part to the sides as the tentacle slaps down and tries to grab at them. The boys scramble to their feet and run toward the back of the cave. S stumbles and falls. The tentacle grabs him and drags him across the cave. S takes out his gun, he pulls the trigger but the gun is jammed. S lifts up his leg and grabs the knife out his boot. He repeatedly stabs the tentacle. It screams and lets go, withdrawing away. S runs to the back of the cave with the others. He hides behind Biggum’s arm. The boys stare quietly, waiting anxiously for something to happen. WIG: I think...I think it’s gone. Wig slowly puts his foot forward. The tentacle reappears and shoots. Wig slams his back against the wall in surprise. The tentacle gropes around, with the soldiers out of reach by mere inches. JOE: Next year remind me to go to Disney Land. Biggums looks up. There is a hole in a wall, a tunnel. S sees Biggums looking up. S: Whatcha lookin’ at there big boy? S looks and notices the hole as well. S:(whispering to SLD) SLD... SLD slaps away the tentacle from his face. S: SLD!!!!!

SLD: What?! S points. SLD looks. SLD: Aw jeez... SLD stoops down and avoids the tentacle. He stands underneath the hole. The others take notice. SLD tries to jump and reach it. SLD: I can’t reach it! Biggums turns and lies against a wall, making himself into a ladder. SLD: Oh I hope I don’t regret this. SLD sprints up Biggum’s back and looks inside. He shines his flashlight. JOE: What’s the word boss? SLD’s light flickers as it scantily illuminates the tunnel; not everything is clear. SLD: I’m not one for gambling, but I’ll definitely take a bet on this tunnel. SPNT: Just get in the bloody hole already! SLD gets into the tunnel. Biggums hoists S and the others into the tunnel. Biggums gets in last. He jumps up and helps himself in. TUNNEL SLD, with his flashlight, leads the way. The tribal etchings are more prominent. They seem to be a telltale sign of things to come. WIG: God. This tunnel smells like shite. JOE: Oh sorry...

The boys continue crawling; SLD’s light suddenly goes out. JOE: Eeeeep! S: What was that? JOE: Sorry I’m a bit afraid of the dark. SLD: Does anybody have a bloody torch? SPNT: I got a Zippo. SLD: Never mind let’s keep going. The boys continue crawling. SLD BUMPS his head into a wall. S: You alright? SLD: Yeah...I just bashed my head into the wall. SPNT: I think you should take my lighter. SLD: (sighs) Pass it forward. Splashy slides the lighter in the dark. It CLANKS against the wall. SLD pats the floor looking for the lighter. SLD: Why didn’t you light it before you gave it to me?! SPNT: You should have been more specific. SLD picks up the lighter. SLD: Never mind I found it... SLD opens the Zippo and spins the striking wheel...the orange glow illuminates the rotten face on a cadaver’s torso. FORK IN THE TUNNEL

The boys scream. The cadaver slumps back against the wall, between the two paths left and right, “the fork in the road.” AGHHHHH! SLD: Calm down everybody! Calm down! It’s just a dead body. The boys calm down. SLD: It can’t hurt us -- he’s not alive. WIG: Who is the sad bloke? It’s not Terry is it. SLD pokes the eyeballs of the corpse. It makes a SQUISHY sound. SLD: No I’d recognize his big blues anywhere. S: I think we should keep moving. SLD: Left or right? BUZZ: Right. SLD: Why right? BUZZ: Right is right. SPNT: That’s ridiculous. Left! Left is always the better choice. WIG: That’s what you always say! SPNT: Are you callin’ me redundant?! WIG: I call ‘em like I see ‘em! Splashy pants rushes forward and grabs Wig by his leg. SPNT: C’mere porcupine! WIG: Agh! Wig kicks his legs and tries to pull away.

WIG: Let go you wanker! SLD: Enough!!! Splashy and Wig stop bickering. SLD: We will choose randomly. WIG: Rock, paper, scissors? SLD: No -- dice. BUZZ: Dice? What is this a bloody casino? SLD: Keep your mouth shut if you don’t have any better ideas. BUZZ: I hate this place. SLD takes out a pair of dice. SLD: One to six, right. Anything else, left. SLD rolls the dice. It lands on two, snake eyes. S: Guess we’re goin’ right. SLD: Guess so. The soldiers crawl to the right passage in the tunnel. When they leave, a snake crawls out the nose of the corpse. END OF RIGHT PASSAGE The soldiers reach the end of the right passage. They come to face another challenge, a rickety suspension bridge over a chasm of jagged rocks. S tries moves forward but is held back by SLD. SLD: What’re you trying to get yourself killed again?

S: Well somebody’s gotta test the bridge. SLD: If anybody’s gonna go, it’s gonna be me... SLD takes in a deep breath and nervously steps out onto the bridge. He cautiously walks across. He gets to the middle and turns his head back to check on his “crew.” SLD steps forward, he falls through the plank of wood. Luckily last second he grabs the board in front. He kicks his legs, grunts and pulls himself up. He continues across. SLD gets to the other side. The boys look at him for confirmation/assurance. SLD gives them a thumbs-up. JOE: Does anybody really trust this bridge? S: Not a lick. CAVERNOUS MAZE SPNT: We’ve been marching through this godforsaken cavern for hours. Where the hell are we? WIG: I don’t know but I say we turn back. S: Do we even know where “back” is? JOE: I knew I should’ve left that trail of breadcrumbs. BUZZ: This is insanity. We came here looking for Terry, now we are the ones that need to be looked for. BIG: I sure could go for some kippers. Big takes a swig out his flask.

SLD: Enough complaining! This is the situation and we have to deal with it. So man up and stop bunching your knickers! BUZZ: That’s it. I’ve had enough of your bollocks. Buzz punches SLD and knocks him to the ground. SLD touches his lip with his finger and looks at the blood. SLD: You bloody wanker... SLD gets up and lunges at Buzz. Buzz grabs him and throws him into the wall. SLD headbutts Buzz and punches him, one two. Buzz gut punches SLD and shoves him against the crackling wall. He pushes his forearm into SLD’s neck, causing his face to turn bright red. SLD grabs a chunk of cave rock off the wall and bashes Buzz in his helmet, causing him to reel back. Buzz dodges SLD’s wild swings and pushes him back to the wall. SLAM! Buzz raises his arm and attack with a downward hammer first. SLD dodges that attack and the blow causes a crack in the wall. Buzz grabs SLD by the shirt and slams him back and forth. The wall breaks down and the two fall down a steep hill. HILLSIDE The soldiers pop through the hole and look down at the still fighting boys. SLD picks up a stick from the ground and swings it wildly like a bat. BUZZ: Wait! Stop!

SLD pauses. Then right after immediately bashes Buzz in the shin. BUZZ: Agh! Feck! Buzz grabs the stick away and slams SLD belly down on the ground. SLD kicks his feet and struggles. Buzz grabs and lifts his head. BUZZ: Look! Buzz lets go of SLD. SLD gets up and looks around at the trees and shrubbery. In the background is an Aztec style pyramid/building. The top is partly visible, but not completely noticeable. SLD jumps for joy. SLD: Yeah! We made it! (sticks hand out for high five) I’m an awesome leader! High five! Buzz folds his arms and shakes his head. JUNGLE ROAD TO AZTEC The noise of the night jungle fills the ears of the soldiers as they creep down the dirt trail, lit only by the reflection of the blue moon. JOE: Ohhh I’m hungry... Joe rubs his belly. SLD: Well we don’t have anymore food. WIG: Maybe we can catch a couple jungle bunnies...anybody like roast rabbit? JOE: Never tried...had a pet bunny, though it didn’t occur to me to eat it. WIG: You should’ve ate it. They are absolutely delicious. S: Tastes just like chicken right?

WIG: No actually it doesn’t. S: Oh. Okay... BUZZ: I am tired, thirsty and hungry. Where the hell are we going? SLD: We are looking for Terry. Buzz stops in front of SLD BUZZ: Terry? Terry’s dead! Who gives a shit about Terry! What about us?! SLD: Fine! Is that what you want? Is that what you all want; to stop looking for Terry? The soldiers reluctantly nod. SLD: Okay it’s agreed. We’ll stop looking for Terry. SPNT: And what about provisions? SLD: We will find provisions. Then we will look for civilization. SPNT: And my boots? SLD takes off his boots and gives them to SPNT. SPNT puts them on. SPNT: And my pants? SLD: You can have my pants when I die. JUNGLE RIVER The boys find a river of fresh water. S: Water. They run over to the edge and scoop up water. They drink hastily while SLD carefully keeps an eye open. Up the river on the

opposite side appears an enormous female lion. The boys are petrified. SLD: (whispering) Don’t move... The lion lifts its head from the river and looks directly at the boys. It opens its mouth and yells a mighty ROAR. The boys scream. The lion hops onto the other side of the river and runs toward them. It jumps onto Biggums. Biggums wrestles with the lion while the boys stay terrified. SLD takes out his gun and tries to aim, but Biggums and the tussling lion are hard to separate. SLD: (to self) Stop moving. The lioness sinks her jaws into Biggums necks. He screams in pain. SLD quickly shoots his gun. BANG! BANG! Two times! The lion falls of Biggums and dies. SLD and the others run to Biggum and stick by his side. Biggums breathes heavily. The blood oozes down his neck. SLD: S do something! S: I don’t have anymore medical supplies. Splashy takes the bandages off his legs and tries pressing them against Biggums neck to stop the bleeding, he pushes away his hand. BIG: It’s no use. I got it in my jugular. Wig is teary eyed. He leans forward. WIG: No, this can’t be happening. BIG: It’s happening. Biggums passes out and dies.

Wig wipes a tear from his cheek. JUNGLE BURIAL - MORN A makeshift cross made from dry branch, lies to the side, as the boys roast lion meet in the morning around a campfire. S: (eating) This is by far the most bitter sweet meal I’ve ever tasted. SLD: Biggums was a hero he was. That’s what he was. WIG: I still can’t believe he’s gone. (wearing dog tag) JOE: It’s tough losing a brother. S: He was your brother? WIG: Half brother. SPNT: It’s saddening; the good ones always go first. BUZZ: Oh quit whining. We’re in a war. Didn’t you expect anyone to die? SLD: Normally I would punch yah one. But I know you’re paining too. Buzz slumps his shoulders and bites into his leg of lion. MORE TRAVELLING – AZTEC-IAN ROAD The boys are tired from travelling. S: I can’t go on anymore. I’m exhausted. S drops to the ground. SLD picks him up. S warily drags his feet. SLD: (encouraging) Come on. It’s not that much further.

The soldiers look on. They duck under the low tree branches and push through the bush. They enter into the city of the forbidden. CITY OF THE FORBIDDEN Though wary, the boys are in awe at the vastness of the ancient city. It looks like an Aztec city from lost times, with strange buildings, sculptures, decorations and hieroglyphic-like motifs; an unusual eclectic mix of Egyptian and Mexican. In the center of the old city is a giant pyramid structure. It’s very monolithic. JOE: What is this place? The boys walk around and explore. JOE: It looks familiar. S: This is the place the native was warning us about, the city of the forbidden. WIG: Why is it forbidden? S: Not really sure, but allegedly it’s where they keep the eye of god. JOE: God has an eye? S: No, I think it’s a crystal or something. It’s just a name really. SPNT: You think it’s in that big pyramid up there? (points with head) S: It’s possible. But if the legends are true, I’d prefer not to go. JOE: And what do these legends say?

S: Something about curses and evil -- typical stuff really. Mm allegedly the crystal has some sort of secret. BUZZ: Who gives a shite about some ancient crystal. How are we going to get home? SLD: Mm... Maybe we can scale that pyramid and get a vantage point. (points) I’m sure there’s civilization somewhere around here. SPNT: Let’s just hope it’s not ancient civilization. The boys turn a corner around a building. Gunshots fire and hit the corner of the wall. The boys scramble back around the building and take cover. They lean down low against the wall. SPNT: Oh God I’m not ready for war. SLD takes out his gun and peaks around the corner. S takes off his helmet and gets out a small sheet of paper. He frantically writes a goodbye note. JOE: You know writing goodbye notes and keeping them in your helmet ahead of time is considered bad luck. S puts the note in his helmet. S: I don’t think it can get any worse than this. SLD blindly shoots around the corner. SLD: Show your self coward!

Shots are returned. Rubble flies around the corner. SLD shakes his head and reloads his gun. SLD: (to Buzz) Cover me. Buzz duel wields his pistols and covers buzz with his fire. SLD heads for cover behind a ruinous statue; where he can get closer to the attacker. JOE: Nice shooting Lara Croft. BUZZ: Shut up. SLD leans against the statue and breathes heavily with anxiety. He goes into his pack and takes out an inspection mirror; he looks to see his assailant. Nobody is there. SLD takes off his helmet and sticks it out from behind the statue. A shot! BANG! A bullet reams a hole through his helmet. SLD looks through the hole; then promptly puts back on his helmet. He takes in a deep breath and runs zigzag through the ruins, sporadically taking cover, behind the monuments and crumbling walls. The shots land between his feet as he runs back and forth. SLD gets closer to the assailant. With his mirror, he sees the attacker’s rifle in the reflection of a puddle. SLD: Alright you dirty bastard. I’m the last action hero and I’m thirstin’ for blood. Get ready... The reflection of the rifle disappears; SLD jumps out and shoulder-rolls behind the crumbling wall. He screams in rage, pointing his pistol. SLD:

But nobody is there... A black rifles presses against the back of SLD’s head. FML: I hope you believe in God... SLD: Please! I don’t have a family! If you kill me it’s the end of the ____________ (last name) dynasty! FML: SLD? SLD slowly turns his head back. SLD: FML?! FML points the gun away as she sees SLD’s face. FML: Oh my God. SLD hops to his feet. He smiles a wide goofy grin. SLD: ...You silly cunt. FML: Did you just call me a “silly cunt”? SLD: You shot at your own countrymen. I don’t think there’s any other suitable description. FML: Friendly fire is quite common y’know. SLD: I don’t care what it’s called. I’m just glad to see you FML. I mean God blast it’s been a one week sausage fest. FML: Just because we had one awkward kiss doesn’t mean you’re going to get laid. SLD: God blast... BEHIND BUILDING

The soldiers watch SLD and FML from a distance, having their conversation. JOE: The traitor! He’s making kudos with the enemy! JOE: That’s it... Joe pulls back the slide of his gun. JOE: Time to take out the rubbish! Joe puts his leg out to walk forward but is pulled back by Buzz. BUZZ: Get back here yah big douche... AT WALL SLD: Anyway what’re you doing here? FML: Dingbat pilot dropped us off in the wrong place... Can you believe he’s color blind? Misread the bloody map! SLD: Uh so where’s everyone else? FML: They sent me an’ Tricia out to look for help... (sighs) poor Trish never made it. FML leans against SLD. SLD: I’m so sorry... If it makes you feel any better, I understand what you’re going through though. Recently we also lost a man. FML leans away from SLD. FML: What happened? Did he also have cancer? SLD: Huh? FML: Trish. She had brain cancer; late stage IV; completely irreversible.

SLD: Now that is the definition of irony. FML: Hey have some bloody respect. SLD: Just saying... BEHIND BUILDING S looks through the binoculars, watching FML and SLD talk. SPNT: Well what’re they saying? S: Hmm I guess I can’t read lips. BACK AT THE WALL SLD: And where did you get that M16 from? FML: Borrowed it from a poacher’s campsite...would you like one? FML lifts a duffle bag from the ground and places it on top of the wall. She unzips it and hands SLD a gun. He looks at it with immense curiosity. S: It’s like there’s a war in my hand and everyone’s invited. FML: Oh and... FML takes a pair of boots out the duffle bag and places them by SLD’s feet. SLD wiggles his toes. SLD: You want me to wear a pair of stinky used boots? FML: Don’t be a spoilt Californian girl. They’re good boots. SLD slips his feet into the boots. SLD: Wow they are really comfortable.

SLD lifts back his leg and looks at the sole of the shoe. SLD: (CONT’D) What are these like Doc Martins? FML: That’s why I took ‘em... The others walk over and join SLD and FML. BUZZ: What’s goin’ on here? Havin’ a convo’ without us? SLD: (to FML) I’m assuming you’re familiar with these merry men. FML looks at the boys apprehensively as they grin like perverts. She timidly waves hello. S folds his arms and turns away from the group as they move in for a closer conversation. JOE: (looks at SLD’s rifle) Hey boss whatcha got there? SLD: (holding gun) Oh this? This is just my new toy? Like it? BUZZ: I’d like it better if I had one myself. FML grabs the duffel from the wall and drops it on the ground. FML: Here help yourselves. The boys excitedly reach into the bag and pick out different weapons, rifles, shotguns, new handguns etc. They yammer on in awe as they inspect their new weapons with zeal. FML notices S hurriedly walking away, looking for solitude; she slinks from the group and goes after him. FML: S_____ wait!

S picks up the pace. FML jogs and catches up. FML: Didn’t you hear me? S: Sorry my hearing is very selective. S walks faster. FML jogs in front and blocks his way. FML: Don’t ignore me. S: What do you want? FML: I know that bang we had a while back meant a lot to you...because it was your first time, but you have to understand that... S: SHH! I don’t want the boys to know I lost my virginity at 27! FML: I thought you were 26. S: That was my birthday. FML: Oh right now I remember. That’s why I did it, pity sex. S: It sounds so wonderful when you put it that way. FML: I’m sorry I hurt you S________, but I was completely smashed. S: Yooou CUNT -- do that to people FML. You can’t use them and throw them away like a paper cup. I have feelings. I’m a sensitive little boy. FML grabs S and hugs him tightly. She gently rubs his back. FML: There, there, never you mind. S sniffles.

S: Can -- can we have sex? FML: Don’t push your lucky. A tear rolls down S’ cheek. PYRAMID BUILDING Buzz and Joe yell with excitement as they race against each other up the steps. The rest of the gang arrives at the foot of the pyramid. They walk up the steps as they talk. SPNT: So you three duckies work out your love triangle or what? S and SLD have no response. FML: I really don’t know what you’re referring to. WIG: Heh. That’s a load of bilge. (snickers) FML angrily grabs WIG by his shirt. FML: It is not a load of bilge. FML loosens her grip. Wig pulls back with a look of shock and confusion on his face. The group continues up the stairs to the closed down temple on top. Joe stands beside Buzz as he looks over the jungle with his binoculars. The group finishes climbing the stairs and joins with them. SLD: See anything? Buzz puts down his binoculars.

BUZZ: Ain’t a bloody bit of civilization anywhere. S: You gotta be kidding me. Buzz hands S his binoculars. BUZZ: Take a look yourself. S looks through the binoculars. S: Nothing. He hands them to SLD. SLD looks. He puts down the binoculars, takes in a deep breath and stands quiet for a moment. FML: Um...SLD? SLD hurls s the binoculars off the pyramid. SLD: God blast! They smash to the ground. FML shakes her head in disapproval. She takes out a monocular from her pack and looks out into the jungle. She squints and spots a piece of debris sitting on top of a tree, an airplane wing. FML: I see something. SLD takes the monocular and looks. FML points out. FML: Over there. SLD moves the monocular over to the side and spots the airplane wing too. SLD: It’s just a piece of debris. FML: It’s an airplane wing. SLD hands

SLD: And what do you suppose we can do with an airplane wing? Use it to fly out of here? FML takes back her monocular. FML: I’m going. FML walks down the steps. BUZZ: I’m with the lady. The boys follow FML down the steps. SLD puts his hands on his hips. His eyes shift to the right, looking at the ominous doors on the temple. CRASH SITE S smashes the front window of the wrecked plane with a rock. He and the others go inside. The inside of the airplane looks like the one the boys were in earlier, a paratrooper carrier plane. SPNT: This place looks oddly familiar. FML and the boys go through the plane and rummage around. Joe finds a brown box tucked under a bench. JOE: (whistles) I found something! FML and the boys gather around Joe. WIG: What is it? JOE: Let’s find out. Joe opens the box. Inside is a stack of old pornographic magazines. He picks one up.

FML: Nasty mags! You called us over for nasty mags?! The boys stare hypnotically as Joe flips the pages of the magazines. FML rolls her eyes. FML leans against the airplane outside. She takes out a cigarette and puts it in her mouth. She takes out a pack of matches and makes a flame. FML pauses with reluctantly. She brings the matchstick to her face and lights the cigarette. She takes in a long deep drag. FML: (blows out smoke) It’s definitely worth the lung cancer. A crest gibbon appears on the roof of the airplane. It stares inquisitively at FML. It makes a noise and FML turns around. FML: (smiles) Oh hello little monkey. The gibbon reaches out and grabs her cigarette. It puts it in its mouth and smirks. FML: (anxious) That’s my last ciggie. The Gibbon flees into the trees of the jungle. FML runs after it. The Gibbon leads her deeper into the jungle. It stops by a tree and smiles mockingly. It takes a puff of the cigarette as it looks down. FML: Fine! You can have it! The lung cancer is all yours! The gibbon drops the cigarette and leaves. FML bends down to pick it up when she notices a pair of feet sticking out of a bush. FML: S_______ is that you?

FML walks toward the feet under the bush. FML: If you’re trying to play a trick on me, it’s not working. FML stands in front of the feet. FML: I can see you... FML grabs the feet and pulls them out...they’re just a pair of legs; bloodied, severed, legs. FML screams and falls back. FML: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FML tries to calm herself down. FML: Get a hold of yourself FML. They’re just legs. They can’t hurt you. FML calms down and gets up. Her eyes dart right and left. FML: (still somewhat nervous) Where’s the rest of the body? FML hears a noise; BIRDS CAWING. Her hands tremble as she puts them over her eyes to shield from the sun. Out in the near distance are a pack of white-headed vultures picking at something. FML heads in the direction of the vultures. She tries to look at what they’re eating. One of the vultures turns around and tries pecking at her. It hops on its wiry legs and snaps its head forward. HAW! HAW! FML steps away. The vulture turns back to its meal. FML grimaces and pulls out her pistol. She fires it into the air. The birds scatter away, revealing a legless man -- a plane captain -- CAP. He is facing down clutching something to his chest.

FML uses her foot and turns the body over. CAP is holding a portable CB radio. TOP OF PYRAMID - AFTERNOON Joe tugs at the looped door handles on the temple, trying to get it open. S: God blast Joe. Stop fooling around. There’s nothing in there. Joe gives up. He joins the rest of the gang where they surround S while he tediously tries to get a signal on the radio -- to no avail. S: You sure you got an SOS out on this piece of junk? FML: It’s not junk. S: (fiddling) Damn why isn’t this working? SLD: Maybe we need to get up higher? JOE: Cracking good idea boss -- if there were a higher place to go. SLD: Does the temple not have a roof? S looks up. S: It’s only a couple feet. How much difference could it make? SLD: Never know if you don’t try. Wig and Splashy lock their hands together. They hoist S up onto the roof. He walks around, trying to catch a signal. FML: Anything? S: Not even a bloody SSSSSSST!

BUZZ: (whispers to Joe) That’s what you get when you hire the Chinese to make everything. Joe raises an eyebrow of scepticism. CAMPGROUNDS - NIGHT The gang is asleep around a roaring campfire. S and SLD can be seen sandwiching FML. Buzz is on his side, snoring loudly. A mosquito lands on his nose. He swats it off and wakes up. He notices the fire still going. BUZZ: (rubs eyes) Ugh bloody douche bags forgot to put out the fire. Buzz gets up. He unzips his pants and pees out the fire. BUZZ: Ah...that should satiate Smackie the Frog. A soft red light shines on Buzz’s face. He turns toward the light. There is a light shining from the temple on the pyramid. Buzz’s stares glass-eyed. BUZZ: Hello, what’s all this then? PYRAMID Buzz follows the red glow up the stairs. He stands in front of the temple and looks through the doorway. At the end of the temple is a glowing red crystal, suspended the jaws of a giant demon skull statue. Buzz steps slowly toward the skull statue, his eyes and mouth slathering with greed.

He bends over and wraps his fingers around the crystal. He pulls out his hand. The jaws of the demon skull snap shut. Buzz stares into the crystal and puts it into his front pocket. He turns back to leave but finds the doors are tight shut. Buzz pushes at the doors. BUZZ: Open you goddamn door! A GROWLING noise is heard. Buzz whips his head toward the noise. In the corner of the darkness are two ferociously glowing eyes. Buzz screams. He bangs and claws at the door in panic. The growling grows louder and louder. Buzz turns around to face the unseen force, the glowing eyes in the dark. He takes out his pistol. BUZZ: I’m warning you! Stay back! The unseen force attacks before. Buzz drops his pistol. He covers his face and sprawls back against the door. His blood curdling scream echoes through the temple. CAMPGROUNDS FML wakes up in a scream, startling S and SLD awake. SLD: What’s wrong? FML: Nothing. I just had a nightmare. S: What was it about? FML: My granny came back from the grave... S: And? FML: And she...she tried sodomizing me with a crucifix.

S: Ew! FML: Oh grow up. SLD notices Buzz missing from his spot. SLD: Hey...where’s Buzz? S: Probably out somewhere being an asshole. SLD: I’m serious. S: Fine. I’ll go find him. S gets up dusts of his pants. SLD tosses him a shotgun. S: What do I need this for? SLD: Creatures always lurk in the night. (snickers) SOME BUILDING S walks along a building, when he hears a loud sloppy munching noise. S turns the corner of the building. There is a red horned winged demon feasting on the guts of an elephant. It has its back turned toward S and does not see him. S gasps and whips back around the other side of the building. He leans his back against the wall; then takes to his heels. CAMPGROUNDS S runs back to the camp grounds, excitedly. S: Fellas! Fellas! S pauses, sees nobody is present. S: Fellas?

THE HOCHOB – “Place Where Corn Is Stored” ADOBE BRICK HOUSE – ROOM ONE The gang is locked up in a small room in an Adobe-style House. It’s plain; nothing but a door and rotten wood shutters on two windows. There is a back door and a table flipped over being used as a shield. The gang is huddled behind, quietly holding their weapons; awaiting. Everyone is there except for S. There is a knock at the door. KNOCK! KNOCK! JOE: (whispering) Should we answer it? SLD: No. Everyone stay here. FML: What if it’s S...or Buzz? SLD: We can’t take that risk. Wig gets up from behind the table to answer the door. SLD: Get back here! Wig puts his back against the wall and holds his Springfield rifle tightly. WIG: Who is it? KNOCK! KNOCK! WIG: I SAID, “WHO IS IT?!” KNOCK! KNOCK! WIG: If that’s you Buzz -- this ain’t funny! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Wig steps back and takes aim with his M1903 Springfield rifle. He turns off the safety. WIG: You have three seconds to answer! (Pause) Three...two...one! The others look and wait with anticipation. Wig shoots off his Springfield, putting an eye sized hole in the door. He leans forward and pushes the muzzle of the gun into the hole. He pulls back the bolt handle and shoots again...and again. Three shots total. Pause/beat. A red skinned hand with claws bursts through the door. It grabs the rifle and pulls it forward, causing Wig to bang his face into the door. Wig becomes dizzied. The hand grabs him by his head and pulls it through the door. The others jump up from behind the table and grabs Wig by his clothes. They pull and tug, wrestling with the force behind the door. SLD: Pull! WIG: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Wig’s body convulses with pain and fear. His body spins and turns, tossing everyone aside. WIG: AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! The spinning stops. Wig’s body stops moving. The gang gets up. SLD grabs Wig and pulls him back. Half of his head is missing! FML screams. The gang gasps and jumps back with horror.

SLD lets go of Wig in shock. The body drops to its knees and falls. It makes a deep resounding sound as it hits the ground. PLUMMMMMP! THE HOLLOW TREE S hides in the hollow of a rotting tree. He crouches down and keeps quiet. The sound of FEET SHUFFLING in the dirt and a low GROWLING can be heard in the near distance. S takes out a signalling mirror and uses it to see outside the tree. A winged demon creature can be seen trudging around, searching for prey. S puts away his mirror and reloads his rifle, waiting for an attack. A couple seconds pass. Nothing happens. S looks at his watch and YAWNS. Then suddenly the demon pops up. The demon SCREECHES. S: AGHHH! S fires his rifle. RATATATTAT! The Demon swooshes away. Not a single shot hit. The bullet-ridden tree adjacent creaks and tips over. CRASH! S’ LIVING ROOM DAD is sleeping on the couch while the TV plays. NEWSCASTER: In the midst of the Mugabian war, our attention is turned toward this photograph... Show PHOTO of Group of Soldiers. NEWSCASTER: It is a picture of several soldiers lost in transition during this conflict of interest.

Show Secret Intelligence Service logo. NEWSCASTER: The SIS informs us that the airplane which the troops were travelling in crashed over a wild jungle region in Africa. The cause for the mishap is currently unknown... (Pause) Yeah, I’ll tell you what the cause is...stupidity! Bloody stupidity! They’re spending millions and millions of pounds -of our tax money -- on a war that doesn’t even concern us! And they can’t fly a bloody plane?! It’s an outrage it is! That’s what it is! PRODUCER:(OS)Um we’re still on the air... NEWSCASTER: I don’t care! It has to be said! This government is a piece of -Title Card: Sorry! We are having technical difficulties! Please stand by. DAD snores, drowning out the sound of the television.

ADOBE BRICK HOUSE – EXT S follows a set of footprints, both demon and human. It takes him in front of the Adobe Brick House. He looks through the hole and pushes open the front door. CREEEAK! He goes inside. INTERIOR S: Hello? S looks around. He walks to the back of the room, to the other door. He pulls the handle. The door is shut. ADOBE BRICK HOUSE – ROOM TWO

The gang is in room two, huddled under the stairwell. They watch anxiously as the door shakes and shakes. There is a bed in the corner. JOE: It’s that thing again. I know it. I just know it. Joe takes out a grenade and squeezes it in his hand. JOE: Well I’m not going out -- without a bang. SLD: This is a highly inappropriate time for jokes. SPNT: Humour is best used for tense situations. The door shakes again. FML whimpers. SLD trembles as he aims with his rifle. He wipes the sweat away from his forehead. ROOM ONE S notices his shoelaces are untied on his boots. He bends down to tie them. ROOM TWO SLD squeezes the trigger on his gun. ROOM ONE A line of bullets sprays across the middle of the door. SLD turns his head and looks in disbelief at his incredible luck. ROOM TWO The door falls down. Dust kicks up when it hits the ground. WHOOMPF! FML: S___________!

S gets up. He squints in the darkness. S: FML___________? FML gets out from under the stairwell and runs to hug S. She kisses him on the cheek. FML: Where were you? S: Lookin’ for you guys. Where’s everyone else? FML squeezes S and with sadness leans her head against his shoulder. S reciprocates the gesture, as if he knows exactly what she means. JOE: Oh how romantic! SLD: Yeah whatever... An upside down demon’s head appears above the doorway. ROAR! S and FML become startled. SLD blasts his rifle. The demon drops from the ceiling. It staggers forward into the room and stumbles around. S and FML move away from it as SLD, Joe and SPNT advance toward the monster. SPNT pumps his shot gun and shoots it in the gut. The demon slams its back into the wall. It tries to cover its face. SLD gun-butts the demon with the back of his rifle. Joe takes out a knife and stabs it repeatedly in the head. The demon screeches and falls to the ground. Black ooze drips from its body. SLD finishes the demon off with another blast of his rifle. S and FML join the others. FML: Is it dead?

SLD prods the demon with his rifle. SLD: I don’t think it can get any deader. S: What do you think it is; some sort of wild African bat creature? JOE: I’ve never seen anything like this on the National Geographic. SPNT: Must be a new species. FML: Whatever it is I want nothing to do with it. The demon’s arm suddenly springs to life and grabs Joe by the leg. JOE: Ack! Joe lunges down and with his knife, gores the demon’s arm at the wrist. He pulls his leg back; the demon hand still clutching. Joe kicks off the severed hand. It smacks against the cold stone wall and slides down, blood trailing from its back. The fingers pull along the ground in a circle. FML shoots the hand with her pistol. It withers into a fist and dies. S: Let’s get the hell out of here. The gang moves up the stairs to leave. FML: Wait! FML trots back downstairs. FML: We should barricade the doorway...just in case.

FML hoists up the bed and pushes against the doorway. The others notice a trapdoor, once where the bed was. SPNT: Hey what’s that over? FML: (looks) What -- the little door on the floor? JOE: Take a look would yah? We’re curious. FML: I don’t think we... S: Just humour them. FML lifts the trap door. It’s pitch- black inside. FML: I can’t see a damn thing. SLD: Come on! (gestures) FML: But... SLD: Curiosity killed the pussycat. FML goes to the stairs and joins the group at the backend. SLD anxiously pushes open the door. He leads ahead with his rifle pointing. The gang goes inside the third and last room, finding it completely benign. CHAPEL - ROOM THREE They end up in a strange looking room, filled with crosses and a ton of other religions Christian paraphernalia. The place is surrounded by windows decorated with stain glass. In the middle of the room is an ancient looking text sitting on a wooden pedestal. It is illuminated by the moonlight shining through the domed skylight over head;

though it’s not much of a skylight really, it’s just an opening. There are rudimentary symbols patterns pressed into the encircling brick. JOE: (looking) This is a little creepy. SPNT: It’s an interesting -- and eerie choice of decoration. FML closes the door behind. FML: I find it kinda comforting. S: I thought you were Jewish. FML: What does that have to do with anything? S: Never mind. The gang explores the room. Touching and looking. S and SLD stand by the table with the ancient text and look up at the skylight apprehensively. In the background Joe and Splashy stuff their packs with gold and jewel encrusted crosses, presumably worth a small fortune. S: As much as I enjoy my religion SLD, this room doesn’t gimme much faith. SLD: Sit down. SLD pushes S down on the seat. SLD: (CONT’D) Relax S. The monster’s dead. We just have to wait ‘till dawn. S: That’s what you think. SLD: Yeah. I do. Is that surprising? S: I suppose not.

SLD leaves and groups with Joe and SPNT, where presumably they have a delightful conversation (adlib). S sights and slumps back in his seat. FML stands by the altar table with the dozens of candles. She takes out a packet of matches and lights them all. FML joins the others; they are sitting quietly around the table in the center of the room, waiting for time to pass. They appear contemplative as they stare into “space,” as if they know their fate. S flips through the ancient text. The book is written in an indescribable language, with crude black and white drawings of angels, demons and other mythical creatures. S turns the page. FML leans over and looks. There is a double page picture of an enormous grotesque monster... A horrid seven foot man-creature with six arms, veiny rippling muscles, razor sharp claws, and a loincloth for censorship reasons. FML: Who’s that? S: I don’t understand the language...but I do recognize the picture. It’s a picture of...the Duke of Demons. FML: Ooh he’s scary. S closes the book. S: Not that scary... (taps fingers on table, bored) So! SLD! SLD sits up. S: (CONT’D) What’re you gonna do when you get home? SLD: For Christmas?

S: Yes. SLD: I think I’ll go to Disneyland...in the United States...California. SPNT: Why Disneyland? SLD: It’s interesting. JOE: What makes it so interesting? The big black mouse? The seven midgets living with the “alleged” virgin? Or is it the ducky with no pants? SLD: The tourists...I find the tourists interesting. FML: What is so interesting about a tourist? SLD: The way they just let it all hang out...as if the world has stopped and everything else is inconsequential. It’s a peculiar behaviour. JOE: Hedonism? SLD: I wouldn’t call it hedonism. It’s more like, “Here I am. I’ve worked hard all year long and I deserve a break. So get off your arse and serve me a softie with bloody fecking sprinkles!” FML: I don’t think that -A baby demon drops onto the table. It clumsily gets up and hisses. The group is dumbfounded. SLD suddenly reaches out with his arm and grabs the little creature by its neck. He squeezes as hard as he can. The baby demon squeals and thrashes, but SLD is adamant. He suffocates it to death with his iron grip. SLD tosses the baby demon aside like a rag doll. He breathes in and out heavily.

A strange noise emanates from the sky. It fills the room, what can only be described as something of a swarm of ravenous bats. SPNT: What’s that noise? The group stands and looks up. There is a cloud of baby demons, circling above like a formation of “Whistling Death” fighter planes. The baby demons begin diving down from the sky. The group runs out of the room as it fills with the little monsters. ROOM TWO SLD leans against the door with his back, while the baby demons pound away. THWACK! THWACK! THWACK! SLD: (thinking) The trap door. SLD leads the group downstairs. He grunts and pulls open the trapdoor. SLD: Get in! The door above bulges and trembles; the little demons become rabid. SPNT: I’m not going in there! SLD: You have no choice! SLD grabs Splashy and shoves him in. The other looks with apprehension. SLD: Do it! The group jumps through the trapdoor. SLD goes in last. The trapdoor falls shut as the swarm of baby demons bursts through the door above and fills the room. TUNNEL TO EGG LAKE

Complete darkness. FML (OS): Where are we? SPNT: I’m scared. SLD: Calm down. We’re just in the dark. Joe steps back and accidentally leans against a stone. We hear it SHIFTING into the wall. JOE: Uh oh. S: What was that? A line of bright orange torches sequentially light along the walls. The group finds they are in a long tunnel; to where, that is to be found out. SLD: (looks, squints down tunnel) I hope this isn’t the road to doom. DOWN THE TUNNEL As the group cautiously walks forward, S trips over and falls. OOOF! JOE: You alright? SLD and FML help him to his feet. S cracks his neck. S: I should be fine. Splashy looks back, there is a slimy green football sized egg. SPNT: Is that an egg? JOE: Well it ain’t football that’s for sure. Splashy pushes it over with his foot. SLD: Leave the egg alone.

SPNT: Sure. Splashy squashes the egg with the heel of his foot. A (dead) toothy fat slug-like creature emerges from the goo. SLD: I thought I told you to leave it alone. SPNT: Know what SLD? I’m tired of taking orders from you. You’re a pushy little prick and the whole reason we’re in this bloody mess is because of YOU (points). SLD: Are you done? SPNT: I said what I had to say. Splashy storms off. FML: Wait! SPNT sticks up his middle finger. SLD: He’ll be back... END OF TUNNEL The first part of the tunnel leads the remaining group to a lakelet inside a cavern. There is a plateau off to the side, which is packed with more slimy green eggs. SPNT calls from the plateau. SPNT: Hey you guys! He is armed with a flamethrower strapped to his back. JOE: SPNT? SPNT: Sorry about the debacle earlier. I was feeling a bit cranky from all the stress.

Splashy flames some of the eggs. They sizzle under the intense heat. SPNT: Come on up you guys! This is real fun! SLD: We’ll go through the water. SPNT: Alright then it’s your loss! Splashy continues blasting the eggs. SLD puts his foot out to step into the water, Joe pulls him back by his shirt. JOE: Remember what happened last time? Joe changes magazines on his rifle and shoots into the water. SPNT: That’s the spirit! Splashy turns toward the group. They duck down as flames shoot over their heads. FML: Watch where you’re pointing that thing yah dingbat! SPNT: Sorry! THE LAKELET Splashy torches the eggs and paces along with the group as they wade through the middle of the water. FML: The water’s warm...reminds me of the time when I went to Florida. I was thirteen years old. I had my first period...in shark infested waters. S: What happened? FML: I ran out of the ocean screaming “shark” with blood dripping down my leg. JOE: That’s a funny story.

FML: It’s not a funny story. The panic I created caused a kid to get trampled. SLD: Did he die? FML: No. He just became a paraplegic. JOE: Ouch. Up on the plateau... Splashy’s flamethrower malfunctions and jams. He squeezes the firing trigger several times, nothing happens. SPNT: Goddamn it. Splashy smacks the ignite-r on the palm of his hand, hoping to get the flamethrower working again. While trying to solve his flamethrower problem, he neglects to notice an egg quivering by the heel of his foot. It cracks open. A slimy black slug creature emerges. It jumps onto Splashy and starts crawling up his pant leg. Splashy squeals and spins around. He fervently tries to grab at the slug, making its way up. The other eggs begin to hatch. The slug on Splashy’s body leaps onto his face. Splashy tries to scream. He stumbles around as the other slugs come out from their eggs. They surround Splashy and completely cover over his body. Splashy makes a splash and falls over into the lakelet, getting the group’s attention. The slugs diverge from Splashy’s body, leaving behind a skeleton. They head toward the gang.

SLD blasts his rifle, nailing a couple slugs. SLD: Run! The group pushes through the water toward the tunnel, while SLD tries to hold the slugs at bay. They side-wind like serpents and follow the gang. SLD chucks a grenade. Ugh! The shockwave slows the down the slugs. The gang gets closer to the second tunnel. They pull out of the water, their clothes wet and heavy. SLD shoots his rifle. The slugs continue on. SLD catches up with the others as they run down the second tunnel. Thousands of slugs crawl along the interior of the tunnel, making it black as the inside of a Liquorice. The group gets to the end of the tunnel. There is a stairway leading up. They go up. They push up at the greyish square panel. SLD shoots at the slugs. JOE: It won’t budge! SLD goes to help. The “panel” moves up. A THUD/Crashing noise is heard. SLD: Go! Go! Go! The gang quickly climbs through, SLD being last. BACK IN THE TEMPLE The gang gets out of the tunnel and find themselves in the temple. The panel they pushed up was not a panel but rather the bottom of a statue of some demigod.

SLD: Grab the statue! SLD and the others lift the large (and now damaged) statue and put it back in place. They pant with exhaustion. The sound of the slimy slugs quiet down. The gang looks to see where they are. JOE: Great. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. SLD: Let’s not be pessimistic. SLD’s eyes turn to the temple entrance, where lays the cadaver of young GI Buzz. SLD: Is that... (squints) SLD walks over to Buzz’s body. The others stay behind, clustered together; becoming wary of SLD’s leadership. SLD: Buzz? SLD flips over Buzz’s body. His face is completely pale white. SLD: Literally scared to death. A line of blue moonlight shines through the crack of the two doors, creating a divide of the temple. SLD: (to the gang) I don’t have cooties y’know! JOE: (jokingly) Anybody in the mood for mutiny? SLD stands up. SLD: I know how you’re feeling. I’m sorry about everything. I screwed up. Yeah! That’s a given. But I never meant for any of this to happen! You have to understand, I was

trained to fight humans, not giant bat creatures! S, FML and Joe point their weapons. SLD: A bit hostile don’t you think? A double headed blind demon dog appears behind SLD from the darkness. It is a fierce looking creature, with scaly dark skin, pointy ears and long sharp fangs. SLD turns around. SLD: (to self) Oh crap. The demon dog gnashes its teeth and sways its heads like a blind person. FML: (whispering) Shoot! S: (whispering) I don’t think it can see us. The demon dog sniffs SLD. The two heads push their wet noses against him. SLD closes his eyes and stays silent as possible. The demon dog(s) loses interest and goes over where the other three are standing. It sniffs the floor and turns around; butt facing toward the gang. JOE: (whispering) Keep quiet... The demon dog stands statuesque, its heads pointed forward. Joe accidentally sneezes. The demon dog whips back and the right head grabs him with its teeth and tosses him up while the other head swallows him whole. S covers FML’s mouth before she can scream. The demon dog licks between its teeth. Slobber drops onto the floor. SLD clenches his fists. He takes out a grenade and clutches it in his hand.

SLD: Hey! The demon dog turns to SLD. SLD pinches the pull ring. SLD: You forgot dessert! The demon dog growls at SLD. Its teeth and pointy tongue flare out. SLD pulls the pin on the grenade and tosses the explosive into the demon dog’s mouth. The demon dog explodes. KABOOM! Guts and blood everywhere! FML wipes the sludge off her face. SLD runs out and stomps around in the mess. SLD: Howdya like that huh?! Feels good don’t it?! SLD jumps up and down, splashing the blood and guts. SLD: It’s like a puddle! A bloody mud puddle! SLD laughs maniacally and drops to the floor and rolls around. FML: He’s lost his marbles. S: And I’m gonna lose my lunch. S turns away from FML and throws up. FML: Gross. As SLD makes snow angels in the visceral mess, the Temple suddenly begins to tremble and shake -- like giant foot steps pounding on the ground and MARCHING.

SLD sits up and gets to his feet. He goes over to the doors to listen. He presses his ear against the wood. A massive tremor causes the trio to fall to the floor; several statues at back drop and crack. The quake pauses. SLD backs away from the door and joins with S and FML. The doors of the temple burst open. (Subsequently Buzz’s body is pushed/rolled aside. The red crystal EOG falls loose from his pocket.) S pumps his shotgun. A giant yellow snake-like eye fills the doorway. DUKE: (unknown language) Who is in my house? FML hyperventilates. S: FML, what’s wrong? FML: I have asthma. DUKE: I can hear you breathe. The eye disappears. S: Stay here. Sonny tiptoes over to the door and peaks out. There is nothing there, just the dark blue sky, the stars, the crescent moon and the cold wind. The Duke rears its ugly head and grins. DUKE: It is a pleasure to meet the true pestilence of the earth.

S calmly back into the temple. SLD: Is it gone? S grabs SLD by the shirt and stares him in the eyes. S: As the wolf said to the sheep, “Your only options are to cry and run.” SLD slaps S in the face. SLD: Get a hold of your self! S: I needed that... The roof of the temple suddenly tears off. The Duke of Demons towers over the trio, casting an enormous shadow. The Duke tilts its head. It looks down and swashes its tongue around. FML makes the sign of the cross and begins muttering prayer. SLD breaks away the clasp of her hands. SLD: Now is not the time! Duke raises its fists in the air and roars. As it is about to lay down its curled claws and crush the huddled gang, a rocket hits it in the face. The Duke stumbles back. Two Apache helicopters rise in the sky. They shine their spotlights on the Duke and circle him like a pair of bees. The Duke swats at them, but the Apaches swiftly avoid his attacks. They swish side to side, all the while making their machinated army attacks.

SLD, S and FML flee down the steps of the temple. They try to make a hasty escape but FML’s asthma acts up; her wheezing is unbearable. She collapses to the ground. SLD and Sonny turn back. They grab underneath her arms and try to drag her up. SLD: Come on! Let’s go! Let’s go! FML: I can’t... The Duke grabs one of the copters and flings it aside. The machine narrowly misses the gang. It swerves overhead and crashes. S and Sonny drag FML to take cover behind a building where they lay low. Sounds of the Apache weapons fill the lonely night. S takes out a half empty bottle of water. He unscrews the cap and gives it to FML. S: You need this more than me. FML downs the water... Duke continues to fight with the helicopter. The pilot is highly skilled, dodging and manoeuvring the six-arm attacks. DUKE: You little pest! The helicopter swings underneath Duke’s legs and fires its machine gun around his head. S gets up. SLD grabs him by the pant leg. SLD: Where you going?! S pulls away. He runs between the Duke’s legs and runs up the steps. The Duke sees him running. It smashes down his fist, crumbling the steps behind.

S continues to run up. Duke crushes the Apache between his hands. S reaches the temple. He sees the glimmering crystal on the floor. Duke widens its eyes. S somersaults and grabs the red crystal. As the Duke is about to swat him away with his hand, S shouts up. S: I command you to stop! The crystal glows. Duke “freezes” his arm(s). S: The Eye of God is mine! You must obey me! The Duke of Demons slowly takes away his hand and stands up straight. S: Bow down before me! The Duke reluctantly bows down. The sun begins to rise. The skin on its back begins to sizzle and burn. SLD and FML watch as the Duke is incinerated by the light and bursts away into flames. SLD and FML come out from behind the building. A rescue copter appears from above. S steps back and watches the blades spin hypnotically (slow-motion) overhead. A soldier descends from the helicopter -TERRY. S gazes with a blank expression, unsure of what to say. ABOVE THE JUNGLE The helicopter flies over the jungle. Terry sits at front of the copter, whilst SLD sleeps

in the back and FML inhales medicine from her puffer/inhaler. S holds the crystal in his hand and looks down at the foliage. He throws the crystal outside. It drops down onto the jungle floor. A dark scaly hand reaches out and takes it away. The copter flies forward. Its fast spinning blades push away the clouds. TITLE CARD: “Peace is not an absence of war, it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence, justice.” -Baruch Spinoza FADE OUT - ROLL CREDITS BOOK SHOP A man walks into a bookshop. He picks up a book authored by S__________ ______________________. He takes it to the checkout. CASH: (looks) Oh, “The Wind and the Whistles.” That’s a really good book. The cashier takes the book and scans the UPC. The Man pays for the book with cash. DAD: (revealed) I know -- my son wrote it. Dad leaves the store. The chimes above the door ring. FIN. Sonny, FEMALE (has radio), SLD S has shotgun.

Flame thrower Go into other room. Place is swamped by demons. Go back to trap door. Tunnel is infested with eggs. Tunnel. Etchings. Others. Scared to death. Sacrifice - Funeral FML has crucifix around neck. CHARACTERS – TERRY – missing Biggums – eaten by lion Buzz – killed in temple Wigfield – killed in house by demon Joe – eaten by demon dog Splashy – death by slugs Mesoamerican Pyramids Aztec Eye of God Omniscience, disease; lead to gold, how to satisfy a woman, life’s mysteries Meet in Forbidden City Walkie-talkie not working Spear chucker warns Look for Terry Girl fought to go to war Smoking is bad for you Dingbat pilot dropped us off in wrong place, FML Somebody paid the pilot to drop them off in the wrong place Ending: Go into tunnel. Finds eggs with slug creatures. Tunnel leads to temple. In temple they meet dog creature. Find Buzz. Then 6 arm creature, which is defeated by Sunlight. SLD finds crystal in Buzz’s pocket.

Throws out crystal. Story is actually book. Gets book published. Dad picks it up in store.