The Gospel Of Starbucks: According To The 'wise Women'

The Gospel of Starbucks According to Satoko, Berlin, and Monica

Parking on the side of the highway were the three wise women: Satoko of Tokyo (“the mother of wisdom”), Monica of Manila (“the mother of knowledge”), and Berlin of Berlin (“the mother of understanding”). These three women raided an automated teller machine (ATM) for cash before they ventured to Jerusalem for some major shopping. Excited about some good news (also known as a gospel), William—dressed in a long, white hooded cloak— called out to them, saying, “Fear not—” Before he could say anything else, the wise women were startled; their wide eyes looked at him, implying, “Oh my God! It’s Jesus! Please forgive us for parking on the side of the road and for not going to church today. We forgot it was Sunday!” William looked at them as if he were to say, “Gals, do I look Jewish?” Recognizing his face, the wise women said, “Oh, William, it’s unlawful to frighten people on Sunday! What tidings doth thou bringest?” (Translation: “What news do you bring?”) “Behold,” he started, “unto thee (you) this day is a coffeehouse in Jerusalem named Starbucks; it is now open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and offers discounts on Thanksgiving—” Before he could finish, Monica cut him off with, “Wow, that’s sooooo cool! Now, we can take our time when we shop!” They then left William—who was hoping to get a ride—where he was,

hopped onto their hover scooters, and ignored all traffic lights until they reached the holy city… Chapter 1: Advent of the Stars (How they treat their co-workers) In the miniature palace called Starbucks, two individuals—“the stars of Starbucks”— usually worked during the same shifts; I shall discuss the first of the two, Michael Wormwood, known among his co-workers as “Friday XIII” since he was a descendant of Darth Fiedler (an extraordinary sorcerer from the Maldives), who was born the same day Jesus Christ died. Fortunately, Friday treated his co-workers with equality; yes, he yells, scolds, and sometimes gives them a smack on their backs when the new employees did not do their daily routines correctly, saying, “Come on, chumps! Get moving or y’all are gonna get fired! And, I’m not gonna bail your butts out!” Vile four-letter words usually accompany his sentences, and his associates would grumble and cuss as they continued their routines. Overhearing their complaints, Friday would yelled, “Don’t cuss at me, folks! I’m better than y’all, and you know it!” Those words made his co-workers even more unpleasant. Later, another coworker called for Friday, saying, “Hey, Friday, how do we use this blending machine again?” “Oh my God!” he cursed, “Don’t you get anything?! Even the folks at Jamba Juice can remember stuff better than you! It’s THIS button, OK? You’d better get that into your thick, little, nappy head, or you’ll get fired with the rest of these chumps!” His amateur co-workers then never again asked him for help but got scolded continually when they did things wrong! Life gets boring for the employees when Friday is around; that is why they love it when he is out of town for a few days…

On the other hand, there was another employee named Honey McGuzi, a descendant of Darth MacMillan (the great wizard of Mt. Fuji), who was born the same day Jesus Christ rose from the dead. Her colleagues call her “Honey Wednesday”—sweet as honey and annoying as a honeybee! She also treated everyone the same; she treats everyone as if they were little babies! When her amateur co-workers didn’t get things right, Wednesday would patronize them as if she were talking to a toddler: “Oh, poor Mandy, did you forget how to use the blender again?” Before poor Mandy could say anything, “Big Sister” Wednesday’s little jingle would come to the rescue: “The blue button first and the red one last; when ‘Mr. Blendy’ (the blender) is finished, it’s time for a blast!” Mandy said, “Oh! Yeah, thanks.” The co-workers dared not to forget that humiliating song, lest they hear her sing it again and again! Her sentences were usually accompanied by words such as honey, honey bun, sweetie, sugar, sugar pie, cream puff, lub-dub, baby, and Twinkie! When things got boring behind the counter, Wednesday would spice things up by uttering, “I know what we can do! Let’s play a game! I’ll buy a large drink for the person who makes coffee the fastest!” Needless to say, her associates usually feign their boredom! Chapter 2: “Dancing” with the Stars (How they treat their customers) One day, the three wise women took a break from shopping to have a sip of Starbucks’ “divine” coffee; sadly, Friday was at the counter to take their order. Arms crossed, he just stared at Monica, who was expecting him to say, “Hi, may I help you?” After several moments, Friday, noticing Berlin and Satoko behind Monica, shouted, “Well, did you make up your mind yet? Hurry up, woman!! You’re holding up the line! We don’t have all day, sister!”

“Uh, I would like a large cup of double chocolate chip—” Friday cut her off by yelling to a co-worker in the room behind him, “Hey, Jeremy, she wants a large double chocolate chip! Make it quick and don’t screw up this time!” He did not even ask Monica if she wanted any whipped cream on her drink. She spoke up, “But, I want whipped cream with that—” “Well, you should’ve spoken up! That’ll cost you another two shekels!” Shocked, Monica said, “What? Come on, this is sooo not cool, man; you’d better put some whipped cream on that thing for free, or I’m gonna start cussing in here! You don’t wanna be around me when I start cursing, dude—because I’m gonna cuss at your manager!” Angry, Friday yelled, “Jeremy, give this witch some whipped cream!” Smiling, Monica said, “Thank you,” but Friday responded, “See you in hell!” Berlin, Satoko, and the other customers also had a hard time with Friday, who always ended with “See you in hell!” Sitting down at the tables to drink, the wise women witnessed first-hand how Friday treats his own mother at the counter. His mother waved to him as she limped to the counter, but Friday simply gave a snarl. “Hello, Friday dear!” “Hi,” he said unexcitedly, “Are you gonna order anything or what!?” In a calm, sweet voice, she answered, “Uh, no, I just wanted to see how you were doing–”

Upset, Friday stated angrily, “No? Then, get out of the line! Come on, Ma, are you getting senile. This is lunch time! Quit holding up the line, will ya!? These people need a drink; so, get moving, lady!” His mother slowly limped away, but turned back, saying, “Well, if you need anything, Friday dear, let me know.” As she walked away, he yelled, “Yeah, thanks, Ma; I can use a Gatorade later.” Usually, there are folks who sit and chat for two hours and leave at least an ounce of their coffee in their cup so they can say, “Hey, don’t kick me out! I’m not finished. Are you anti-Semitic or something!?” That logic never works on Wednesday and Friday; Friday strode from the counter to a table where a couple was drinking their coffee, shouting, “Hey, you dummies! There are other people here who need a seat, too!” “Do you have something against Jews, man?” said the young man in a cold tone. He yelled, “NO, but I have something against people who finished their drinks yet sit their butts down here to chit-chat like little school girls on a bus! Now, get outta here and take your trash with you…!” Yet, Starbucks’ coffee was so addictive that the wise women, who were not wise when it came to health issues, came back the next day! Singing behind the counter was Wednesday, dancing to the beat of her jolly techno music on the radio, singing: “You’re half a world awaaaaaaay…Yet, in my mind, I whisper every single word you saaaay…And, before you sleep at niiiiiiiight—” As soon as the wise women opened the door, Wednesday shouted across the room, “Ahoy there, customers! We missed you! Where were you gals? At Jamba Juice again? May I help you, sweeties?” The wise women saw a new item on the giant menu

on the wall behind the counter called “Solar Moon,” which was a drink named after one of Darth Mateo’s (an obscure magician from New Zealand) famous narrative essays, “Saint Helen.” (If you haven’t read it, you should!—just don’t eat/drink anything while reading that one, too!) Amazed, Satoko said, “I would like a large cup of Solar Moon—” “Would you like whipped cream, ma’am?” “Yes,” said Satoko. “Anything else, sugar pie?” “Uh, could you put more kimchee on it?” “Of course, honey!” Sly as a Sith from Star Wars, Monica felt her cloak pockets for her wallet, saying, “I—I forgot my wallet!” She then winked to the other wise women, implying, “You know the drill!” Satoko and Berlin also “confessed” that they lost their wallets, but Wednesday said, “It’s OK, honey buns; you can always pay us back on Wednesday!” (Therefore, others began to “forget” their wallets but never came back on Wednesday.) She then shouted, “Hey, Mandy honey, a customer wants Solar Moon with extra kimchee and whipped cream! Remember my jolly jingle?” Mandy thought, “Oh my God! I forgot it, but she’d better not sing it in front of the—” As predicted, Wednesday sang it in front of the wise woman, destroying poor Mandy’s reputation forever… Things went smoothly for Berlin and Monica as well, though Wednesday referred to Berlin as “sugar Twinkie” and Monica as “peanut honey.” As Monica attempted to load her strawberry drink

with even more sugar, her eardrums rang violently when Wednesday shouted, “Oh, did I forget to add something, little pumpkin?” “Uh, no, everything’s fine—once I load this baby with sugar!” Monica then whispered to the other wise women, “Is she a lesbian?” Berlin said, “I think so! I’ve never seen her in the synagogues (Jewish temples of worship) before!” Ergo, Monica got out her small high-tech microscope, scanning every ounce for any viruses! Wednesday then said, “Oh, you need a virus? I can get you one—” “Hell no!—I mean, no, ma’am! I’m fine, really!” Before the trio could get to the door, Wednesday asked, “May I shine your shoes, clip your nails, or put on your makeup?” “No, thanks; that virus threat was enough!” said Monica, but Wednesday insisted, “Your cloaks are so wrinkled; I can iron them for one shekel! Oh, I know! I can give you a bedtime story! I have Winnie the Pooh right here!” The wise women all shouted while searching their pockets for their lightsaber hilts, “No, ma’am. Really, you did enough already. Thank you!” The wise women sat down to drink while witnessing how Wednesday treats her uncle, Prime Minister Wyatt Beckham. As soon as he passed through the door, Wyatt Beckham turned around with a face that implied, “Oh no, not her again!” But, sadly, Wednesday shouted, “Hello, sugar daddy! I missed you! You didn’t go to Jamba Juice, did ya, hmm?” Looking down at the floor, the prime minister said, “Well, yes—” “You promised me you wouldn’t go back there!” Prime Minister Beckham shouted, “I—I had a relapse; I needed my fix!”

“It’s OK. So, how may I help you, Skittles?” “I would like to try that Solar Moon thing.” “Sorry, uncle; we ran out of that earlier today, but we have Lunar Sun; it tastes similar to Solar Moon, but it has less—you know.” “All right, I’ll have a small cup of that!” Wednesday then turned her head and said, “Mandy sugar, you know the drill!” “Don’t sing it!” Mandy shouted from the back room, “Not in front of the—” Unfortunately, Wednesday didn’t hear Mandy and sang it in front of the prime minister! Could life get any worse for Mandy??? All the seats in the mini-palace were now occupied. Beside the wise women was another trio of Siths that have been drinking their same cups for more than half an hour! Once there was no line of customers, Wednesday noisily strode over to the Siths, saying, “Excuse me, sucrose! You can stay here for only half an hour—it’s our new policy!” One of the Siths stated, “But—but we aren’t finished yet!” Wednesday then pointed to Wyatt Beckham; his legs looked shaky and tired; perhaps he survived one hour on the treadmill (all you non-athletic folks know what it’s like to jog eight miles per hour for one hour, right?). The jolly employee then said, “Don’t you think he needs to sit down? He looks tired; you’re almost finished, but he’s just started! Couldn’t one of you offer your seat to him, please? Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?” Annoyed by her high-pitched childlike voice, the Siths got up and left. Chapter 3: Supernova (How they treat their employers and animals)

Seven days passed before Friday and Wednesday were called to their employer’s office. The employer, Conway Disrael (also known as “Derailed” since most people mispronounce his last name), sat on his massaging chair as eerie songs from the game Luigi’s Mansion played on the radio. Friday just uttered, “So, what’s up, boss!? Are we gonna get promoted or something? Want us to spy on Seattle’s Best again?” He dropped into a chair and put his feet on Conway’s desk. Wednesday quietly sat down and folded her hands on her lap, exclaiming, “Good morning, bossy sweetie. Any new ideas that can boost the morale of our new recruits? Did you come up with new flavors that will take Jamba Juice out of the competition?” Mr. “Derailed” rested his elbows on the desk and said with a solemn tone, “I’ve been having many complaints from our customers about you two. Y’all leave me no choice but to fire you.” “Do what!?” shouted Friday. Laughingly, Wednesday said, “Hahaha! Wow, you almost got me there, juicy fruit. That was a good joke!” But, Conway said, “I’m truly sorry; that ain’t a joke, sister...” Unemployed, the “stars” walked out of the small palace while looking down at the ground. Friday started to kick at rubbish on the streets, thinking, “What the hell am I gonna do now!? It’s all Jeremy’s fault; when I get my hands on him, I’m gonna–” Then, Wednesday cheered, “It’s OK, lactose; at least we still have something to be thankful for. It’s Thanksgiving Day today!” “So what!” he said angrily, “We have nothing, nothing, NOTHING! We have to find another job, or we’re gonna die of unemployment!” “Well, what are you going to do, honey?”

“I dunno; I guess I’ll just be a carpenter like my father, or maybe I’ll go to Iraq—” “Iraq? That sounds fun! I’m sure someone will hire us! We’re one of the best employees in the world, apple pie, and somebody out there will see our growing potential; you just wait!” said Wednesday, holding Friday’s hand; she then forsook her loyalty to Starbucks by saying, “Um, why don’t we drink at Jamba Juice?” Soon, Friday’s face slowly became cheerful, and he accepted the suggestion. The next day, as the sun rose above the horizon, Friday and Wednesday walked on the country roads to a pasture where Matthew lived, collecting the citizen’s taxes while he listened to his state-of-the-art mp3 player as he watched over his sheep. Wednesday then greeted him, “Good morning, Snickers! I was just wondering if we could get a job on your pasture for a while.” Matthew’s glowing red eyes then stared at the unemployed individuals as he flipped his bronze coin. After a moment, he said, “You city-slickers ain’t got what it takes to be shepherds, isn’t that right, Gary?” The chief shepherd then said, “Yep, Matty Mack, they ain’t ready for the kind of money this job will bring!” “H—how much do you make?!” said Friday. Matthew said plainly, “Fifty shekels per day.” Friday and Wednesday, wide-eyed, exclaimed, “Whoa! That’s five times more than we make at Starbucks!” Wednesday then pleaded, “Come on, cream puffs, can’t you let us try first before you say we aren’t fit? Please? Pretty please? Pretty, pretty please?” The chief shepherd looked at Matthew, implying, “Well, Matt, whadya think about those two suckas!?” Matthew said, “All right, y’all got one hour to change my mind. If you

can lead them (those) sheep back to the barn, you’ll win the title ‘shepherd,’ the most prized title in Jerusalem!” (Really? I doubt that…) Soon, Friday began to rally the sheep and shouted while smacking their backs, “Come on, fur brains, get over here! Don’t waist my time! I need a job, unlike you!” On the other side of the spectrum, Wednesday began to clap her hands as she said sweetly, “Yoohoo, fur cakes, over here! That’s it; come to mamma!” Both succeeded at their tasks and were now shepherds! Chapter 4: Where’s William? (How they treat “deity,” Mandy, Jeremy and the Jedi-mobile) At nine o’clock in the morning, the wise women arrived at Matthew and Gary’s pasture to continue their Jedi training; miraculously, they did not receive any speeding tickets on the way (the Force has its uses)! “What’s up, Matty Mack!” Satoko greeted, “Collecting taxes again?” Matthew replied, “Of course, ma’am; that’s part o’ being a shepherd! How do you think I got this mp3 player?” Berlin responded, “I thought you stole it like that other one…” “Well, like Mark Twain says: ‘The lack of money is the root of all evil’! But, that’s before I met Jesus!” Matthew responded. Staring at the wise women, Gary inquired, “Where’s William? What’s wrong with you women!? Didn’t we tell you to take William along with you?” Monica then said, “Well, we did see him, but we didn’t—you know what I mean?” “He’s a ghost! That—that means he’s dead!” the shepherds concluded. They began to mourn and weep until they heard a voice from behind say, “Fear not—”

They were all wide-eyed, thinking, “Aaaggrh, it’s the Rapture of the Saints!” The wise men then thought, “Well, we have good fought the fight and we have run the race; now, we may enter the Celestial City with our beloved William.” “Guys, am I that Jewish?” William asked as he got out his portable mirror and smiled; puffed up like a balloon, William thought to himself, “Yeah! I’m a Jew; I’m blessed of the Lord! I’m chosen by God to save this world from the clutches of evil! Haha, Satoko, who has more class now!?!” Later that night, beside the camp fire (camp fire??? Come on, Matthew, don’t you have a stove?! Don’t worry about that electric bill; this is the thirty-first century!) while cooking his marshmallows, William was asked by Wednesday, “Excuse me, angel cake, are you Jesus? If you are, can you ask Santa Clause to give me my Christmas presents in advance?” Exhaustedly, William looked back at her as if he were to say, “Girl, you still believe in Santa? What the hell has your mother been teachin’ you?!” Since the camp fire couldn’t toast the marshmallows fast enough, Satoko, Monica, and Gary became delirious, singing “Silent Night,” “Noel,” and other songs of thanksgiving. Then, they really started getting delirious when they danced around the camp fire, singing rap music! Friday then sat down across from William, yelling, “So, ‘God,’ why the hell did I get fired today? Are you trying to teach me a lesson our something!? Well, lemme tell you something: if I can’t pay my loan by next month, I’m ne’er goin’ to church again!!!! You hear me, huh, ‘Jesus’!?! How are you gonna get your tithe money now, hmn?”

Facing Matthew, William’s face implied, “You hired THIS sucker?! My God, I can put up with that girly-girl, but I’ll be thanking Jesus if I can survive another minute with this guy!” Matthew’s face responded with another impression: “Well, somebody has to watch o’er them sheep; Gary doesn’t wanna do it, I don’t wanna do it, and you KNOW them wise women ain’t gonna do this crap! Don’t worry; just put up with him one more night, OK?” The next morning, the wise men and women were about to leave the pasture until their new employees inquired, “Hey, where are you going?” “We are going to Iraq to bring peace to the Middle East! Thou cannot follow us. This is a Jedi thing!” said Berlin plainly. “Hey! How come you guys get to have all the fun? Then, what are we gonna do, caramel?” Wednesday asked Matthew. Matthew replied, “Two people have to watch over them god-forsaken sheep! That’s where y’all come in. Remember, don’t finish all them black-eyed peas ‘n’ manudo! Gary can’t live without that stuff, right, Gary?!” “Hell no! At least I can last longer than you when ye haven’t eaten pizza in two days! No wonder you don’t wanna go to Nazareth! They ain’t got Pizza Hut there!” Matthew answered back: “Well, at least that place is better than Bethlehem! Bethlehem ain’t got Taco Bell—not even Burger King! I’ll never forget that time I went to Bethlehem. I asked a woman: ‘Excuse me, ma’am; ye got Taco Bell around here?’ She told me, ‘Taco Bell? Are you from the ghetto or something? When will you Latinos get over that stuff?!’” Matthew then gave his new employees one last word: “If any Gentile (non-Jew) tries to steal my ice cream, I want you two beat him/her up and bury him/her alive over there! When I come back, I’m gonna dig him/her up and give him/her another

whoppin’!” Friday and Wednesday thought to themselves, “Whoa, this guy’s serious about his ice cream; no wonder he’s not losing weight!" The wise men and women afterwards strode to their Jedi-mobile—the same one that Matthew stole from Captain Arithmetic before he [Matthew] became a Christian—but, the engine didn’t work! Matthew tried to charge the battery with Sith lightning, although the battery wasn’t the problem. Everyone was angry at William for forgetting his engine-revival spell! So, they gathered around Berlin, who sang some eerie chant like a Hindu priest or a Polynesian warlord. Suddenly, the six Jedi vanished! “Well, sugar pie, we have work to do!” said Wednesday. While walking away from the pasture, Friday grabbed her arm and stated, “Yeah, we have work to do!” “W—wait! Where are we going?” “You want to go to Iraq, right?” “Yeah! But—” “Then, let’s get Mandy and Jeremy to do this crap while we whack some terrorist butt!” “You think they want this job, glucose?” “Yeah, nobody can refuse fifty shekels a day! That’s all we need to tell ‘em!” Friday began to kick and cuss at the Jedi-mobile (because the engine would not start), but all his actions were in vain. So, Wednesday said, “Come on, honey metal, it’s wake-up time!” After Wednesday sang a few silly children’s songs, the Jedi-mobile became annoyed and said, “OK, OK, hop on! I need an oil change anyways!” Wednesday and Friday hopped in

before Captain Arithmetic, running toward them, could say, “Dudes, gimme back my van! Give it back, you rotten half-Jews!” Wednesday and Friday then set out to get Mandy and Jeremy to do some hard labor for them while they tried to earn a medal of honor…

Chapter 5 (optional): The Irony

Before you pack up and go home, I want you to think of a few things in this essay: Are the wise women wise to drink at Starbucks every day? Is it wise to “ignore all traffic lights”? Could a Jedi ever forget church on Sunday? Matthew calls himself a Jedi, yet what kind of lightning did he cast? Which one of the following is Monica: a Jedi, Dark Jedi, or Sith? The six Jedi have so much money, yet do they use the stove? Everybody loved William when he “was” Jesus, yet, at the end of the story, the six Jedi got mad at him for simply not remembering an utterly complex spell! Friday never liked Wednesday, but, at the end of the story, he’s going to use her to make Jeremy and Mandy take their place as shepherds! I wonder if he likes her now… Friday always threatened his co-workers about getting fired, yet who got fired in the end? Gary is the chief shepherd; so, why does Matthew always get the final say? Who does he think he is?! If “shepherd” was really the prized title of Jerusalem, why is almost everyone chit-chatting at Starbucks when they could be making big money!? (Note: Being a shepherd is not that hard as Matthew/Gary think it is!) Do you really think Satoko (or anyone, for that matter) would like to drink a banana-raspberry smoothie with whipped cream and kimchee on it? Notice that the setting of this story is in Israel, yet what

kind of accent did most people have? How “sweet” of Wednesday to “trick” her former coworkers into husbandry!