The Fight: An Epic Battle Between The Forces Of Good

The Fight: An Epic Battle Between the Forces of Good and Evil, Darkness vs. Light, Righteous vs. Wicked According to legend, a mighty battle took place between two brothers in the year of 1972 A.D. in a thriving village known as The Burgh upon Wilkins, located in the Southwestern territories of Penn’s Woods. This heroic battle was soon to be known across the land as “The Fight”. Wandering minstrels traveled throughout the land for a thousand years after singing of this epic battle. Geoffogre, a 17 year old gargantuan, who stood a towering 4 and two-fifths cubits and weighed a massive 17 stone 8, was the eldest of the two brothers. His much beloved younger brother Lawrenticus the Noble, paled in physical stature, standing a full half cubit shorter than his fearsome sibling, and scarcely weighing 9 stone. The brothers Glaser were raised in a tiny timbre framed house made of wattle, a mixture of clay, straw, dung and mutton fat adjacent to the Hundred Acre Wood on the Lane upon Millers in a mythical hamlet known as the Borough of Plumshire. The Borough of Plumshire spawned a number of legendary characters including the fabled brothers Banks; Marquette the Brave, fierce defender of all of Plumshire and brother Chippingham the Longarmed, known to throw an angon spear a full furlong. Plumshire also was home to Knack, the Emir of Pikeview and the Quarry Lands, who later went on to conquer the Middle East; The Grand Wizard Edvard of Plumshire, whose mandrake brew was said to madden his enemies; and his sister Janetkva the Flaxenhaired, the fairest damsel in all the land. It’s been said that some were members of a secretive guild known as the Poohs. On a fateful day in the heat of summer, Geoffogre gazed upon the brilliant blue afternoon sky, realizing that it was nearly 3 o’clock and time once again to pummel his younger sibling. He had been terrorizing his younger brother on a daily basis since the dawn of time. He couldn’t remember why he did this, but it pleased him so. At that same moment, Lawrenticus had a revelation! Rather than endure this daily thrashing, he contemplated, what if he were to engage this behemoth in a proper fisticuffs match? Geoffogre was very powerful and large, but he was as slow as a sloth slithering in the mud. Lawrenticus asserted that speed would triumph over sheer bulk. Lawrenticus felt full of confidence and self determination that day and decided that this was to be the day to break from the norm, and in a voice summoned from the bowels of Hades, bellowed, “Geoffogre, I challenge yinz to a pugilistic exhibition at high noon!!!”

The mammoth fell upon the earth, bursting with laughter upon hearing this incongruous proclamation. “Yinz want to challenge me to a proper brawl, do yinz?! He retorted. “Let the carnage begin at the courtyard of Castle Mannion at high noon”! He declared. Word quickly spread throughout the village and by noon, legions of townsfolk had gathered, presumably, to witness the death of the venerated Lawrenticus at the hands of Geoffogre. Vendors soon gathered, selling such local delicacies as sandwiches stacked with marinated, shredded cabbage and fried potatoes to the gathering throng. The opponents made their way through the throng, boxing gloves laced tightly upon their fists, blood racing through their veins, and hearts racing! The horde formed a tight circle, creating a barrier from which there was no escape. The crowd, in a fever pitch, chanted “To the death, to the death!” The mammoth lumbered towards Lawrenticus, swinging his colossal left arm clumsily with all of his might, missing his target by several hands. Lawrenticus effortlessly and elegantly evaded this ungainly swing with the greatest of ease, all the while making eyes with the village wench. Meanwhile, Lawrenticus planted his feet firmly upon the earth, squared his shoulders and without warning, in an instant, unleashed an unseen, mighty blow squarely upon the jaw of his opponent! The Beast’s head snapped to the right! The crowd gasped! The color flashed from his skin, his eyes glazed over, his legs gave way, and the mammoth crashed to the earth with a sickening thud! The stunned crowd went silent. He laid motionless, spread eagle, lying flat upon his back, his lifeless eyes rolled back into his massive skull. Lawrenticus was momentarily jubilant, jumping with joy at this most unlikely of outcomes. His joy soon turned to fear as he realized that his prodigious blow may have killed his lifelong foe, his brother. Lawrenticus guardedly kicked his felled foe in the ribs, stomach, knees, groin, neck, back and head to see if there was any life left in the giant. Nothing. No movement. Once again, he lovingly booted his brother in the ribs, stomach, knees, groin, neck, back and head, to make sure of his original assessment. The mammoth finally awoke from his unexpected slumber recalling nothing of this epic battle. Geoffogre slowly righted himself, standing unevenly, swaying like a drunken jester. His eyes opened ever so slowly, one at a time. He gazed upon the dumbfounded crowd noticing the look of disbelief upon their awe stricken faces, realizing that he had been beaten soundly by his little brother, witnessed by the entire village. Geoffogre, in his shame, slowly trudged away into the forest, not to be seen for a fortnight.

Upon returning home from his self imposed exile, Geoffogre realized that being conquered by his brother and being allowed to serve as his eternal serf was truly an honor and that he shall never again attempt a transgression against the triumphant Lawrenticus. Geoffogre and Lawrenticus have been the best of friends ever since. Editor’s note: The facts of this account may have been altered slightly.