The Epic Of

The Epic of

Hamlet Prince of Germany

Characters The Ghost of Hamlet Sr. Hamlet, Prince of Germany, son of the late King Hamlet, Commander of Army Group A Queen Gertrude, widow of King Hamlet, now married to Claudius, whiny bitch King Claudius, brother to the late King Hamlet Ophelia, prostitute Laertes, her pimp Polonius, the retard Horatio, M1 Abrams main battle tank commander, Captain of 3rd Detachment, 47th Mechanized Infantry Division. Fortinbras, Commander of Army Group B: SS-Panzerwaffen Corps and 12th Wehrmacht Army Othello, Stereotypical black cop, comedic relief Iago, Stereotypical white cop, serious guy, learns to overcome racial barriers and befriends Othello MacBeth, Ace Pilot of Luftwaffe Romeo, Ninja King Henry V, Shakespearean equivalent of Rambo Poor Yorick, a skull Brutus, leader of internal German resistance movement Don Pedro, 11 inches Don John, 2 inches Josef Goebbles Gandolf Henrich Himmler John McClain The Highlander Bob Dole The Preserved Head of Charles de Gualle A Cogecabra Kanye West

Members of the German Court

Act I Scene i. Enter Horatio, Fortinbras, MacBeth, Horatio: How now, Forinbras? Fortinbras: How now brown cow, Horatio? Horatio: Well as it may, the men are up in arms and awaiting the clash of metal on the eve of morrow. Fortinbras: I pray you, let us hold fast until the break of the sun's crest on the virgin horizon, only then shall our forces take swift action on Poland. Horatio: Indeed, the might of our sword shall pierce the virgin bosom of our enemy and withdraw their virgin blood. Fortinbras: For this assurance I thank thee, but tis not enough to fill the virgin ears of the court with tales of gore, we must act with tact and prithee, lest we upset their intentions of intervention. Horatio: Alas! Stand ho! I shall deliver a speech of patriotism and pride, of how the common-man toil on the virgin land for his reaped crop, of how King Hamlet slain the impious virgins of the Rhineland for our common wealth, and of how the virgins of the kingdom rest safe in their quarters knowing good and well that their honor be laid on the line of duty. Fortinbras: Dude, I totally came up with the virgin motif, I did it first, I called it. Horatio: I feel like I use it best. Fortinbras: No, I feel like I use it best. Horatio: No thoust does not, “the break of the sun's crest on the virgin horizon”? That does not make sense. Fortinbras: Virgin horizon makes more sense than virgin bosom. Horatio: Screw you. Fortinbras: Get thee to a nunnery! Horatio: Good day, sir! (Horatio and Fortinbras exit) MacBeth: O wretched hubris, the tale of these two Men shalt surely end-eth in tragedy. Alas, what I to say in this matter? The thoughts of a soldier mean little to The bickering of yet great generals. But woe is them, two corpses in one grave.

(MacBeth Exits)

Scene ii. Enter Hamlet and Laertes Laertes: O Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, O! The vampire army hath taken the city! Hamlet: We must check the castle tower, and make Sure that no vampire have gotten into Our home base. I pray you, run there and check! Laertes: You wait here, I'll go check the castle tower. (Laertes exits) Hamlet: Yes, you do that. (Laertes enters) Laertes: Oh shit Hamlet! I just saw a fucking Vampire! It bit me right in the damn neck! Hamlet: Oh no! Laertes: Save yourself Hamlet! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Hamlet: Laertes, I will avenge thee, and rid This castle of the vampire scourge that has Taken this fair city. I shall hunt each And every one down, in this town, and drive A wooden stake through their hearts. All this for My dearest friend, Laertes, slain in vain. (Laertes begins to rise from the dead, Enter Othello and Iago) Iago: Hamlet, heed your stride, a vampire awakes Beside your feet, in form of Laertes! Othello: Day'um, bitch be a blood suckah', yo. Iago: Othello, thus be a time of great gravity For Hamlet, his friend lost to the undead And in immediate danger himself. Of ages I spent in white suburbia, And racist undertones adopted have I, my suspicion of you and your race Runs high. We may be of the same profession On the same team, but damned if we possess The same personality, goals, ethics, Or soul. Though, in the well of my conscience, Can I not but learn to accept another

Human, regardless of skin, through the trials And testimonies of our perilous work? Othello: Oh shit! Bitch be eatin' his left leg, yo! Hamlet: O Heavens, this cursed devil on my foot! Iago: Then again, my suppositions of race Root from my father, and he from his father. What separates two officers from one Another when they share perspiration And bleed the very same red virgin blood? Fortinbras: I heard thoust say that! That is my motif, not yours. Ophelia gets flowers, you and Othello get color, I get virgin! Hamlet: My foot! The pain of a thousand kicks in the crotch! Laertes: Bring me a virgin so that I may suck the life-force from her bosom. Fortinbras: Heaven damn you all! (To Iago) Get thee to a nunnery, (To Hamlet) get thee to a nunnery, (To Othello) get thee to a nunnery, (To Laertes) and get thee to a nunnery! All of you, go! (All exit except Hamlet) Hamlet: Oh how now brown cow, my leg drenched in Blood. Alas, all have left me alone on Stage. What is one to do, except, perhaps, Exhale a long winded soliloquy? O, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt, Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew, Or that the Everlasting had not fixed His canon 'gainst self-slaughter! O God, God, How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable Seem to me all the(Enter Kanye West) Kanye West: Yo dawg, I know you like fixin' your canon 'gainst self-slaughter and all, and Imma letchu' finish, but Beyonce definitely had one of the best music videos of all time! (Exit all)