The Dangers Of Toxic Masculinity And The Public Interest Writer’s Duty Of Bringing Attention To It .docx

Running head: THE DANGERS OF TOXIC MASCULINITY

The Dangers of Toxic Masculinity and the Public Interest Writer’s Duty of Bringing Attention to It Stephanie Santiful East Carolina University

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THE DANGERS OF TOXIC MASCULINITY Abstract This paper addresses the many issues that toxic masculinity causes for women and others, especially when it comes to online dating. While there is no true definition of toxic masculinity, an explanation of the concept is that it is attachment to traditional male gender roles that expect and boys and men to avoid showing emotions that they deem feminine and to assert their dominance over others. Toxic masculinity seems to be the root of most issues involving harassment in the online dating setting. Unfortunately, if men are able to mask their willingness (or do not realize it) women may end up in relationships, which can lead to various forms of domestic and other violence. To create a safer online dating experience for women and other genders that date men, it is important that toxic masculinity be culled from society. Otherwise, the dangers of online dating websites will continue to increase and women (and others who date men) will risk mental, emotional, and/or physical abuse and perhaps even death. Society will also suffer at the hands of toxic masculinity and the men who uphold it. Keywords: toxic masculinity, online dating, men, dating websites, dating apps, mass shootings

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The Dangers of Toxic Masculinity and the Public Interest Writer’s Duty of Bringing Attention to It When it comes to dating, the potential dangers women face is unequal when compared to the issues single men may endure. With online dating steadily becoming the primary way to meet people, many men find themselves hoping that the woman they are messaging in hopes of meeting for a date actually end up looking like the photos she’s posted. The women, on the other hand, are hoping that this chance to connect does not lead them to being yet another statistic in the many crimes against women. In a perfect world, individuals, regardless of their gender, would be able to accept or decline invitations to date without fear. Unfortunately, as it stands, women (and trans women) have a reason to be afraid of who they date, and especially, who they reject. In most cases, this reason is directly related to toxic masculinity. As of today, there has not been a defined definition of “toxic masculinity.” However, the general consensus is that it is the adherence to and participation in the common concept that boys and men should not reveal emotions that allow them to appear weak, and that they should assert their dominance over others. This concept becomes extremely dangerous when it comes to dating. It also plays a factor in many of the common issues that society faces such as the murder of trans women and domestic terrorism such as mass shootings. If society fails to address the enormous issue of toxic masculinity, it will continue to suffer as a whole. Toxic masculinity does not just affect women. It affects all individuals regardless of age or gender. To ignore the problems toxic masculinity causes is a dangerous to society. Public interest writers would do a disservice to the general public if they do not shine a light on a topic that has often been ignored for several years.

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Don’t Blame the Internet For many individuals, finding someone to fall in love with is an important desire. The traditional act of getting married and raising children is a concept that some people hope to obtain, whether it be to carry on one’s family line or simply to continue on the human race. Unfortunately, the constant demand of work and rising costs of entertainment often force people in the dating pool to rely on free or low-cost dating websites that allow people to “meet” others at the click of a button without having to leave their homes. Some would argue that people (especially women) looking for love should not bother with online dating. In fact, a quick Google search yields numerous articles that state why online dating is a bad idea. Anderson (2016) claims that five reasons online dating does not work is because: men’s dating profiles are dishonest, most men are only looking for sex, dating websites are full of scammers, relationships between people who meet online don’t last, and online dating makes users too disapproving and hypercritical. While there may be truth to these five explanations for why people (and more specifically, women) should avoid online dating, perhaps the internet is not the problem. Chances are, it is the men guilty of performing these acts. Blaming the internet for the negative and horrible things men do to women is using a valuable resource as a scapegoat to place blame on the victims. Dating sites that do little (or nothing) to protect women from this type of behavior should also shoulder the responsibility. Doward and Urquhart (2013) state that the anti-stalking group, Paladin, has received several requests from help from women who met violent men online. This group claims to have received numerous referrals from women who stated that the men they met via online dating profiles had resorted to either mental, emotional, or physical abuse. The authors did not mention any cases where any of the victims were men. Similarly, Paul (2018) sites a study conducted by the University of Pennsylvania, which claims that “women

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who date are more likely to be in danger of domestic abuse than married women…” (para. 4). One issue Paul (2018) mentions is cited by an interview she had with a director at the National Network to End Domestic Violence, Beth Meeks. Meeks states that “Dating apps allow people to present a very cleaned-up version of themselves” (as cited by Paul, 2018). She recalls a situation where a woman blamed the “isolating nature” of online dating apps, which worked to prevent her from seeing her abusive partner’s shortcomings early in the relationship. Often times, men make women aware about their potential to be inappropriate and abusive within the first few messages. This is proven by Hess and Flores’s (2018) study of Tinder Nightmares, which “primarily serves as a space to document crude performances of mas- culinity and the ways male Tinder users attempt to engage with women” (p. 1091). If the internet is a cesspool of horrible individuals looking to prey on unsuspecting people looking for love, why then does it seem so many cases of stalking and/or domestic abuse from partners who met on online dating websites seem to have women as the main victims? Women have as much access to the internet as men. They are also capable of behaving just as inappropriately as men. Yet, so many cases of stalking and online dating crimes are committed by men. This leads one to think that perhaps the internet is not the problem—it is men. Of course, not all men are guilty of stalking and/or using online dating profiles to take advantage of women. There are likely numerous women who met their boyfriends, husbands, and/or partners using online dating websites. However, it seems as though the chance of meeting a man only interested in taking advantage of women is higher than the chance of meeting one who is looking for love. Why are so many men are compelled to behave poorly and negatively against women? What makes some men want to harm women? The culprit is likely toxic masculinity.

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Toxic Masculinity Though there does not seem to be an official definition of “toxic masculinity” Viramontes (2016) defines it as the “socially constructed norms that define masculinity” such as “physically strong, unsentimental, and assertive” (para. 1). In short, toxic masculinity is the manner in which some men behave that can be damaging and destructive to themselves and to others. The startling thing about toxic masculinity is that one does not have to directly or indirectly know a man who participates in this phenomenon to suffer the consequences of it. Viramontes (2016) states that: It is important to underline that toxic masculinity relates to the cultural perspective given to masculinity, not the biological traits of the male gender. It is founded upon societal norms that frame cisgender men as the domineering gender, creating harmful stereotypes that incite violence and sexism across cultures. In addition, toxic masculinity disregards non-conforming genders, and imposes gender binarism, the belief that only two genders exist. Toxic masculinity enforces the societal ideology that males must attain control in relationships, the household, and in most public situations. This attitude promotes aversion towards expressing emotions that would be deemed as feminine for fear of emasculation. This is directly linked to the misogynistic mentality that male qualities are superior to feminine qualities (2016, para. 3–4). Perhaps toxic masculinity has nothing to do with those instances where men prey on women financially. However, in situations where men commit domestic abuse, physical assault, or when men use the anonymity of the internet to harass women, toxic masculinity is likely the cause. In the case of the latter, Parent, Gobble, and Rochlen (2018) state that “Online interactions are a potential fertile ground for the prolif- eration of toxic masculinity” (p. 2). This is mostly

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due to the anonymity the internet may provide. Even in cases where user are not anonymous, the fact that they are not face-to-face may convince men to display characteristics of toxic masculinity. A search using the popular social media website, Twitter, displayed several tweets from users citing the problems with toxic masculinity.

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It seems that the agreed upon understanding of toxic masculinity is when men use the construct of masculinity to endanger themselves and others. Rosie’s tweet (2018) reveals that certain actions such as crying, showing emotion, or being sensitive are things that men who participate in toxic masculinity believe to be weaknesses. There have been countless movies, television shows, and even real-life situations where a man experiencing emotions such as crying, or sadness are told to “man up.” More importantly, public interest writers must be aware

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of the things they write to ensure that it does not support the concept of toxic masculinity or simply ignoring it. One issue in which many pubic interest writers failed to callout toxic masculinity in writing involving the scandal in which Donald Trump referred to vulgar comments about women and the things he does to them as “locker room talk.” While numerous articles reported what he said, very few mentioned the problems with what he said. It seems that many writers assumed that readers understand what he said was inappropriate. This would have been an opportune time to mention toxic masculinity and rape culture, and while some did, others simply did not. Donald Trump, whom many of his critics have claimed is unemotional and overly aggressive, seems to display the common characteristics of toxic masculinity. This seems to support the idea that men who are not allowed to (or can’t) experience, accept, and be in tune with their emotions may cause for other people. Toxic masculinity can lead a man to believe that he should be control of the clothing that his wife (or girlfriend or domestic partner) wears, the places she goes, and the people she interacts with. In other words, he is led to believe that he should be in complete control of his significant other. This means that when she does something outside of what he (and others who participate in toxic masculinity) believes is proper behavior for her, he feels that he must do something to rectify that behavior. An example of this is a post by user sydney_stalks_me found on the sub forum found on Reddit, r/changemyview, in which he complains to other forum users.

Another user on the forum The Student Room had a similar belief.

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While these two users did not indicate that they have stated anything to their significant others or did something in which they believed “corrected” the issue, it shows that many men and boys feel that women should only behave in a manner that men feel appropriate. Several other posts, which can be found on social media such as Facebook, Twitter, and various forums and websites reveal men indicating how they would never allow their significant others to dress or behave a certain way that they deemed inappropriate or disrespectful to the him. In the previous images as well as other posts found online, the men never seem to acknowledge that women have a right to wear whatever they choose. It seems that in their thinking, a woman’s sole purpose when it comes to clothing is to wear what her significant other (or even random men) deems appropriate for him. In fact, in 2014, a model and TV presenter in India was slapped by a male audience member for wearing clothes that he felt were too revealing (Siciliano, 2014, para. 1). When Toxic Masculinity Marries Online Dating Websites If toxic masculinity can cause a man to hit a woman for how she is dressed, then it has the potential to cause men to do several other abusive things. It is quite possible that if one were to ask any woman with experience in online dating, she will tell reply that she has been on the receiving end of online harassment. Dating apps and websites such a Tinder, Plenty of Fish, and OKCupid are composed of hundreds of people looking to connect. Most interactions on online dating websites start out the

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say way. One person will message another person and hope for a response back. While a user has full control of who they respond to, often times they do not have control over who initiates contact. Therefore, a man could send a message to a woman, and she would receive it. However, it is up to the woman to decide whether or not she wants to respond back. Sometimes a woman will respond, which may lead to a date between two, consenting adults. Other times, she may simply ignore the message. Two things can happen if a woman chooses not to respond back to a message from a man who is interested in her. The first is that he realizes she is not interested and decides not to contact her again. The second is that he messages her again (or multiple times) with the hope that she replies. In the latter situation, these messages can start out harmless, but will often progressively get worse. Common messages many women have endured resulted in insults, name calling, and threats of rape and violence.

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These messages show that if a woman ignores a man’s message on a dating site or declines the chance to interact with them, the man often responds to the rejection in a cruel manner. Instagram accounts such as Bye Felipe (@byefelipe) and Tinder Nightmares (@tindernightmares) demonstrate what women face every day when dealing with men who message them on online dating websites and apps. A 2016 recent study by Consumer Research found that 57 percent of females versus 21 percent of males respondents experienced feelings of harassment (Burgess, 2016). Again, it seems that men behave the worse when it comes to interacting with others via online dating. For these men, the act of being rejected, of being told “no” activates something within them that causes them to immediately lash out. It is likely that when it comes to their interactions with women, they have been taught to expect to get what they want. After all, men who behave aggresively and dominantly in action movies always seem to

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get the girl. Even cartoon charcters who behave inapprotiately such as the “Family Guy” character, Peter Griffin, has what other characters refer to as an attractive wife. Identifying Potential Toxic Masculinity Predators It is imperative to recognize that not all predators who prey on women are supporters of toxic masculinity. There can be and have been sensitive, emotional men who also use online dating websites to leech onto women. These men are often difficult to spot because they do not show the same warning signs and red flags as men who uphold toxic masculinity. However, for those who do defend toxic masculinity, the warning signals are much easier to recgonize. The most obvious sign is reacting negatively toward rejection and disinterest. Unfortnately, if a woman does not initially reject a man who maintains toxic masculinity behaviors, she may not be aware of what she is getting in to. Another charateristic of toxic masculine men is the manner in which they speak of and about women. Many women have vocally complained about men who refer to women as “females” or “girls” rather than “women” or “ladies.” Some women often have an issue with being referred to simply as “female” because the word is used to describe the sex of animals, not people.

Even comments that seem to be positive can be a sign that there is a level of perhaps unrealized disrespect.

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Of course, not all women take offense to being called female. Though it does lead to the question of why it is used so often to describe women when words like women and ladies exist? Referring to men as “males” seems to be far less used. Kirabo (2017) believes that three forms of toxic masculinity that men need to leave behind are “harassment, misogynoir, and misunderstanding consent” (Kirabo, 2017, p. ). Situations where men send sexually inapprorpiate messages to women on dating websites (or other forms of social media) is a form of harassment. Acts of misogyny such as believing women are subhuman and treating them as such runs rampant in the culture of toxic masculinty. Arguably, the most frightening forms of the three Kirabo (2017) mentioned is misunderstanding consent. Whether it be intentional or unintentional, the lack of understanding consent leads to rape culture. Men believing that they must push women out of their comfort zone or that no really means yes and a woman is simply playing hard to get often results in unwanted sexual advances and even rape. Levy (2018) states that some traits people who date men need to look out for when it comes to toxic masculinity are: 

Manhood that is defined by violence, sex, status and aggression

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Men who believe that men should not be interested in “feminine things” as it is a sign of weakness

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Men should not display emotional vulnerability of other “feminine” traits

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Men who feel that it is impossible for men and women to be nothing more than friends and not sexually interested with each other

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Men should not show signs of shame or weakness or they are not strong

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Using violence and anger to solve problems

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Men who believe it is a woman’s job to raise children (Levy, 2018).

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What some seem to be unsure of is when and how toxic masculinty is learned and whether it is possible to prevent the trend of toxic masculinity by focusing on boys and teenagers? Some psychologists believe that men who display signs of violence and bullying have often been doing so since their childhood (Rogers, 2018). Rogers cites the words of pyschologist, Terrie Moffitt, who states that: “Grown-ups who use aggression, intimidation, and force to get what they want have invariably been pushing other people around since their very early childhood,” Moffitt says via email from a rural vacation in New Zealand. “Their mothers report they were difficult babies, nursery day-care workers say they are difficult to control, and when all the other kids give up hitting and settle in as primary school pupils, teachers say they don’t. Their record of violating the rights of others begins surprisingly early, and goes forward from there (Rogers, 2018, para. 6). Does Moffitt’s explanation mean that there is no help for the percentage of men who participate in toxic masculinity that harms women (and others)? Or should an effort be made to help them stray from the path of growing into men who willingly harm others? With the #MeToo movement (which calls out sexual harassers and abusers, often in extremely high places) and school and other mass shootings, which are almost always done by men (Rogers, 2018) it is obvious that there is a problem with many men, and it is imperative that something be done about it. Public interest writers cannot be expected to solve the problem of toxic masculinity, but they can certainly do their part in being aware of how they report instances of toxic masculinity, by referring to it as such. Threats Lead to Much Worse

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As stressful and frightening as threats are, if all threats by men who rely on toxic masculinity were nothing more than empty threats, many women would learn how to adapt to them. Women, after all, have taken to blocking men, “doxxing” (the act of exposing identifying information about a person such as their full name or where they work), and simply ignoring men who harass them on online dating profiles. Sadly, in many cases, some men fully intend to carry out their threats, and often times, they are successful. There have been numerous cases in which a woman was abused, beaten, or murdered by her former or current lover. There have even been cases in which women have been murdered for turning down the advancements of men. Each of the sad and senseless acts of violence stems from toxic masculinity. Kutner’s (2016) article posted on Mic lists 14 women who were violently attacked by either their boyfriends, husbands, or men whose advances they had rebuffed. One case involving Caroline Nosal and Christopher O’Kroley shows what happens when toxic masculinity cause men to believe that they are entitled to women. O’Kroley shot and killed Nosal because she “rejected his romantic advances” and stated that he “wanted more” from the relationship after she had turned him down (as cited by Kutner, 2016, para. 1). Kutner (2016) states that men like O’Kroley would rather take a life before they take no for an answer. Kutner’s article continues to list shocking cases in which men attacked or killed women for no other reason than they were told “no”. In 2015, Adrian Loya, after being obsessed with Lisa Trubnikova, a married colleague of his who repeatedly turned down his advances, planted bombs outside of Trubnikova’s home, broke in, shot and killed her Trubnikova’s wife, and critically injured Trubnikova (Kutner, 2016). Another 2015 case involved a 49-year-old woman in San Francisco who turned down a stranger’s request for a date while standing on the street. Enraged by the rejection, the man punched her twice in the face, which caused her to lose consciousness (Kutner, 2016). In Iowa

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City, Andrea Farrington turned down a mall security guard by the name of Alexander Kozak who left notes on her car that revealed his interest in her. Kozak shot Farrington three times in the back while she was at work (Kutner, 2016). Another case took place in Washington D.C. where comedian Paris Sashay and her sister were walking to their car when a group of men started to harass them. Sashay and her sister declined the men’s advances. Angry about being rejected, the men attacked Sashay, covering her face with bruises, chipping her tooth, and leaving her unconscious on the ground (Kutner, 2016). Over and over again, these types of situations seem to happen to women whether they are already dating a man or have never met him a day in their lives. While the chance of the same happening in reverse is possible, it is not nearly as likely. A Google search with the term “woman attacks man for rejecting her advances” only seems to retrieve results of the opposite. In fact, it took until page three to find two results that fit the search’s criteria. The first details the story of a woman, CrossFit athlete Emily Abbott, who used social media to complain about a man she matched with on a dating app who sent her a message, which complained that her body was too manly for her (Brown, 2017). However, it took having to click on another link related to this one to find the actual situation that took place. Brown’s post entitled “Woman Has Online Meltdown After Being Rejected by a Man for Being too Muscular” does not seem to adequately state the situation. In fact, the supposed “meltdown” was the following text she posted on social media: This is the kind of b******t that I have to put up with... this isn't the first time either. And I know lots of ladies who deal with this kind of b******t too. Be nice to people out there my friends- everyone is fighting a hard battle. Oh yes and this fuels me to train even harder. Thanks[,] Dave for the inspiration! (as cited by Michallon, 2017, para. 10–11).

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It is interesting that Brown (a man) refers to Abbot as having a “meltdown” when the reaction did not lead to the man who insulted her getting injured or harmed in any way. The second article pulled from the Google search told the story of Rebecca Lynn Phelps, a 31-year-old woman who was arrested on domestic battery charges for scratching the father of her children over the eye for refusing to have sex with her. Phelps had also been previously arrested for attacking a man who declined to have sex with her (Musumeci, 2018). Phelps’ behavior shows that women are not immune to violence and aggressiveness when faced with rejection. However, it seems that instances of them behaving violently when their advances are thwarted do not occur as often as men. Why is it that most women seem to use other methods to handle their rejection such as not reacting, complaining on social media, or talking to friends about it instead of attacking the man who rejected them? The fewer instances of women responding violently or harassing men who rejected them seem to support the belief that toxic masculinity is the cause of this violent behavior in men. Violence Against Trans Women Cis women (women whose biological sex is female and who identify their gender as such) are not the only women who must deal with the dangerous consequences of toxic masculinity. An influx of trans women have been murdered by men. In fact, 29 deaths (the most ever recorded) of trans women were tracked by advocates in the year 2017 (Human Rights Campaign, 2018). For 2018, this number is only slightly decreased with (so far) a total of 22 deaths of trans women. Due to transphobia and toxic masculinity, many cis men feel that trans women do not deserve a right to exist. On top of that, many secretly get involved in sexual relationships with trans women only to murder them when they start to worry that they will be “exposed” for dating a trans woman.

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Trans women also have to deal with threats and harassment when online dating. Often times, men will write on their profile insulting and derogatory comments such as “no trannies” or “no chicks with d**ks.” If a man happens to express interest in a trans woman via an online dating app or website, like cis women, she will have to worry about whether or not meeting him will result in violence or even death. Dating apps and websites for LGBT+ individuals may help a little to eliminate the potential threat of some violent cis men who plan to seek harm on trans women. However, most of these apps have no way of knowing who is using them. This means that a culprit can simply pretend to be of the LGBT+ community to prey on trans women. What Should Society Do There are many websites and blog posts encouraging women to take steps to keep themselves protected if they choose to online date. While this is helpful, it can only do so much. The best way to keep women and trans women safe is for society to put an effort into eliminating (or at least decreasing) toxic masculinity. More importantly, men should be willing and motivated to take on this effort by teaching other men the dangers of toxic masculinity and why it should be dismantled. Finally, public interest writers should realize that they cannot afford to be impartial when writing about cases of toxic masculinity. Robinson (2018) claims that there are 10 things men can do to begin breaking down and destroying toxic masculinity. The first is that men should learn to speak out. To stop other men, including their friends, in their tracks when they notice that what is being said conforms to toxic masculinity standards. The second is that men should abolish the belief that men should work all the time while women are expected to tend to children. The third is that men should refrain from teaching boys not to show their emotions. The fourth is calling out internet trolls who perpetuate “toxic thinking.” The fifth is they should pay attention to what sources younger boys and teens

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are getting their information from. The sixth is that men should not give up on others. They should try their best to keep encouraging other men (and themselves) to keep doing the right thing. The seventh is to boycott any and everything that supports that toxic masculinity mind frame such as company advertisements and celebrities. The eighth is to be open with other men and be willing to show vulnerability with them. The ninth is to try to perform kind gestures daily without expecting anything in return. And finally, the tenth is realizing that destroying toxic masculinity is a revolution (Robinson, 2018). Toxic masculinity is not only problematic for women. It also causes problems for men. Due to the harsh standards of toxic masculinity, men who are sensitive, effeminate, emotionally open, or have less of an interest in following gender norms often feel like they must play a role of the “manly man” to keep other men from harassing or looking down on them. Another problem caused by toxic masculinity affects society as a whole—the issue of mass shootings and domestic terrorism. According to Wright (2018) of all shootings since 1982 only three have been committed by women (para. 3). Women mass shooters are so rare that the topic itself has not been studied (Garabarino as cited by Wright). Haider (2016) argues that news broadcasters’ conflict on whether the Orlando shooting that took place at an LGBT nightclub was homophobic hate crime or terrorism failed to acknowledge that “two frames should not be taken as cause and effect but as problems that share a common ailment: the presence of toxic masculinities” (p. 555). All the men who committed these shootings had feelings of entitlement. They killed not because they had to, but because they felt they were owed something or wrong and that others needed to suffer because of it. This way of thinking combined with the ease of acquiring firearms in the United States create a disastrous combination. People of all genders and ages are at risk of being murdered by a man who believes that others deserve to die if he is not allowed to get what

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he wants. The act of “making someone pay” when one feels wronged is a cornerstone of toxic masculinity. Allowing toxic masculinity to exist leads to the death of innocent people. These senseless deaths shake the fabric of society while also encouraging us to become complacent due to how often it happens. Creating stricter gun laws helps, but it does not rectify the problem. While fewer guns would definitely contribute to less deaths from mass shootings, violent men may try find other ways to kill others such as arson, poisoning, or vehicular manslaughter. This is why it is important to bring attention to the dangers of toxic masculinity, and then eliminate it. Taking away someone’s weapon may slow them down, but it will not stop him. Not when all he has been taught is to punish others when he feels he has been wronged. Eliminating toxic masculinity will also limit an issue that seems to go hand in hand with it—rape culture. With the standards of toxic masculinity gone, men will understand that being told “no” or being rejected has nothing to do with their self-worth. They will also realize that they are not entitled to sex with a woman regardless of how much attention he may have given, how much money he may have spent on her, or how much he desperately wants to be with her. He will understand that “no” does not mean to keep asking until a woman changes her mind. He will accept it for a definite statement and move on. Removing toxic masculinity from one’s life helps to increase happiness by allowing men to realize that their behaviors do not have to follow a hyper aggressive, inappropriate guide of how to be a man. With the threat of toxic masculinity gone, men will have the opportunity to be themselves without having to conform to what they believe are societal norms or social standards. Public interest writers must recognize instances of toxic masculinity and spell them out in plain language for their audiences. Not mentioning the fact that the Orlando shooting was grounded in toxic masculinity did a disservice to those readers who are unaware of what toxic masculinity is.

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Making it Safer to Live and Love It is no question that the way society is currently set up makes it difficult to find love. Dating apps and websites tend to remove the act of interacting with someone simply because one may feel that their photos are unappealing, or they have a few typos on their dating profile. Regardless if it is by strangers on the internet or in person, rejection hurts. Being turned down without knowing why can be crippling for one’s self-esteem. Many people rely on dating apps and websites to make connections, which they hope will lead to relationships. While others are only looking to hook up. Whatever causes someone to sign up for a dating site, the threat of knowing they could be harassed, stalked, or murdered by turning someone down should not exist. Woman being insulted by men while on dating sites should not be one of those things that “comes with the territory.” It should not be so common that websites are created where hundreds of women share their experiences. Similarly, women should not be made to feel as though the only way to escape being attacked or murdered by a man who has expressed romantic interest in them in person is to provide a fake number or pretend to show interest back. Likewise, when women bring up these issues, a man’s first response should not be to tell women that they should “just say no.” If men understand the dangers of toxic masculinity, they would be aware of what can happen to a woman when she says “no.” There is no cure all to fix dating sites. However, putting in the effort to start dismantling toxic masculinity will definitely start to help women (and men) feel as though they can take more of a chance when using them. Threats are not something to ignore whether they be on dating websites or in person. It has been proven time and time again that men who uphold toxic masculinity follow through on those threats. These men feel entitled to women and have no problems with hurting or murdering them when they are told that they are not entitled to them.

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Trans women face just as much of a risk when interacting with toxic cis men. Toxic masculinity convinces men that only the things that they desire is what matters. This way of thinking convinces them to walk into a mall, a school, a hospital, or a movie theater and kill others. This dangerous frame of men tells men that in order to be a man, they must be aggressive, violent, and refuse to take no for an answer. Thus, creating a world less focused on love and acceptance and more riddled by terror and fear. Toxic masculinity does not teach men to be strong and capable providers. It teaches them how to be terrorists in a society that is known for constantly and continuously giving them what they want.

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