The Art Of Conversation

The Art of Conversation

Desire only to please the people with whom you are talking and you will infallibly do so.

What is Conversation? • Conversation is a social activity

• A sophisticated activity that we often take for granted • Two or more people talking and listening • It can be done via the spoken word or via sign or symbol • It requires us to think about feelings, thoughts, needs, moods, words, symbols, culture, gender, experiences and a host of other factors relating to the persons we are talking or listening to – It is a reciprocal process

Small Talk • Conversation is a social activity

• A sophisticated activity that we often take for granted • Two or more people talking and listening • It can be done via the spoken word or via sign or symbol • It requires us to think about feelings, thoughts, needs, moods, words, symbols, culture, gender, experiences and a host of other factors relating to the persons we are talking or listening to – It is a reciprocal process

Big Techniques for Small Talk The chitchat that comes before more important discussions Small talk has potentially enormous consequences: • Talk too much = nervous or insensitive

• Ignore people = snobbish • Discuss only work = LIMITED

Every encounter offers an opportunity, a chance to sell the organization

Small Talk Conversation is an art It requires 3 ingredients: • Attending skills • Listening manners • Your conversational contribution

Attending Skills SOFTEN: The key to Gaining And Giving Attention

S mile O pen posture F orward lean T one E ye Communication N od

Listening Skills • Ready, Set, Listen • Create a setting • Tune out distractions • Be aware of your non-verbal signals Four Important Benefits of Listening: •To better understand people and problems •To learn more •To improve relationships and the work itself •To reduce tension

Purpose

Plan

Prepare

Practice Conversational Contribution

Present (Converse)

Why Conversation? As humans we need to engage in conversation at workplace, home, social gatherings, and so on..

‘We Can Never NOT Communicate’

The Art of Conversation in Brief 1. Don't talk too long without pausing for a reaction. More than a minute is usually too long. Forty seconds is ideal. 2. Never contradict or flatly disagree with the other person. It's an implied insult. 3. Don't be too forceful or emphatic in stating your opinions until you learn the other person's attitude. 4.  Give the other person intellectual freedom and cooperation and claim them for yourself

Conversation Model - Elements Assess the situation and our role

Engage in conversation

Question and foster understandin g Develop a response – plan and make change

Discern whether modification needed and commit to change

Conversation

Characteristics of Conversation Conversation • Social activity • People • Immediate response • Some commitments • Interpretation and some filling in the gaps • Etiquette and rules • Room for space • Being with • Being open • Going with the flow • Moving with different forms of conversation

Ideal Conversationalist(1) The ideal conversationalist is: 1. Well-informed 2. Sympathetic 3. Interested in life 4. Has a sense of the dramatic 5. Moderate 6. Can draw out the other person 7. Attentive 8. Always in good humor 9. Has a sense of proportion 10.Doesn't preach

Ideal Conversationalist(2) 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21.

Doesn't take himself too seriously Not argumentative Original Broad-minded Charitable Unselfish Considerate Flexible Poised Enthusiastic A trifle whimsical

If you find the world dull, the chances are that your companions will find you dull.

10 Most Common Business Etiquette / Conversation Blunders 1. Inappropriate Language 2. Disregard of other’s time 3. Inappropriate dress and poor grooming 4. Misuse of the telephone / Chat room 5. Failure to greet someone properly 6. Poor listening skills 7. Disregard of shared property and other’s space 8. Embarrassing others 9. Poor table manners 10.Inappropriate or inconsistent recognition of others Businesses are run by and for people.  To be successful in business, you must be successful working with and for people.

Introductions If someone hasn’t been introduced, he or she is, socially, invisible: •A person who makes the introductions appears wellmannered and considerate •When responding to an introduction • Stand up • Move to the person, establish eye contact, look pleasant or smile • Shake hands • Greet the other person and repeat his or her name • When the conversation ends, say goodbye

Communication as Conversation Most conversations sort of drift along; in business, this is wasteful; as a manager, you seek communication rather than chatter. To ensure an efficient and effective conversation, there are three considerations: 1. you must make your message understood 2. you must receive/understand the intended message sent to you 3. you should exert some control over the flow of the communication

We must learn to listen as well as to speak

Conversation at Workplace (1) • To propose and then prove it conclusively is fatal to conversation • To insist on always being right subjects listeners to the emotion of self-abasement • Conversation is neither a: • Lecture • Sermon • Debate

Conversation at Workplace (2) If you have nothing to say on the topic under discussion, say nothing. According to Voltaire, `One always sounds foolish when one has nothing to say.' Attempting to steer the conversation round to your pet subjects will engender resentment in your listeners. Sometimes when you find yourself with nothing to contribute to a general conversation you may feel uncomfortable and inadequate. The impulse to get rid of the feeling by saying something is best resisted. To stay on topic is not enough. One must stay in tune with the conversation. Otherwise one's remarks will grate on the rest of the company.

AMBIGUITY AVOIDANCE • Be

pragmatic rather than philosophical. Remember words do not mean what you intend • Whatever your instructions, look for possible misunderstanding and clarify ambiguity by asking the listener questions • If you are instructed to undertake a project, make notes, paraphrase each item to confirm understanding. • Write back to all concerned for consistency and validity check

DIALOGUE • In dialogue conversation you should usually not be brilliant or scintillating • About half of your time should be spent listening unless it is clear that the other person wishes you to talk more • The advantages of listening are: • you conceal your own weakness. • You learn the other person's attitude. • You give the other person enjoyment. • You store up emphasis for the statement you eventually make.

In times of trouble a sympathetic ear is more valuable to most people than

Engaging Conversation The engaging conversation is an art form – an ability that can be cultivated by practice For conversation to be successful: • You must demonstrate Interest in the

subject • You must show interest in the person

The interest in the person is by far the surer ingredient for success

Engaging Conversation • To chatter is easy

• To deliver monologue is not a conversation • To keep silent is an important part in effective conversation • To talk meaningfully with the hostile, the suspicious, the indifferent or even with a friendly person is an art

To really become a good conversationalist: • Conscientiously stock your mind with facts and

information • Form opinions on the basis of that knowledge

Engaging Conversation Masters of the art of conversation rarely give advice except when so requested The secret of giving advice: • To mix it up with something that implies a real consciousness of the adviser's own shortcomings • To acknowledge other party's merits as much as possible. • To plant a suggestion in a subtle and skillful manner

One to One Conversation(1) • Conversation is easier than group

conversation • Provides greater latitude for making mistakes • Has two subconscious aims: • To get to know the other person

• To reveal yourself

(Generally these aims should not be targeted directly)

One to One Conversation(2) Attitudes to cultivate in dialogue: • Interest in the person • Interest in the subject • Friendliness • Sincerity • Candor • Helpfulness

“People who are uncomfortable in themselves are disagreeable to others”. William Hazlitt

One to One Conversation(3) • People like those who:

• Like them • Appreciate them • Admire them • Like the same things as they do • Are the same kind of people they are (usually) • not Are If you do fit helpful into one or more of these categories, DO NOT attempt to be friends According to a study the average person is interested in job, home, politics, recreation, health, current events in that order

One to One Conversation(4) • In dialogue conversation you should usually not be brilliant or scintillating. • About half of your time should be spent listening unless it is clear that the other person wishes you to talk more The advantages of listening are: You conceal your own weakness. • You learn the other person's attitude. • You give the other person enjoyment. • You store up emphasis for the statement you In times of trouble eventually a sympathetic make. ear is more valuable •

to most people than anything that can be said to them

One to One Conversation(5) • Conversation should generally attempt to remove barriers • Some barriers that cannot be removed and no attempt should be made to do so Such barriers are: Age Sex Experience Superiority It is easier to talk with an inferior than Inferiority with a superior, but it is not easier to talk well.

General Conversation The main purpose of general conversation is to exchange views General conversation should conform to the following principles: The topic must be of general interest. • Each person must do his share AND NO MORE. • There should be no periods of silence. • No topic should be dragged out. • The tone should be kept good-natured • No one should be offended by anything said

Types of Conversation & The Role of Instinct(1) Conversation is of two basic types: • Conversation for its own sake • Conversation for some other purpose Politicians, preachers, salesmen, lobbyists, etc. practice the latter. Conversation for its own sake has two distinct aims: • Companionship • The exchange of ideas

Types of Conversation & The Role of Instinct(2) Four instincts may always be appealed to in conversation: • Attraction • Self-assertion • Pugnacity • Curiosity Three instincts may sometimes be appealed to: • Gender attraction • Art • Acquisition The gender attraction, artistic and acquisitive instincts may be appealed to with some people, but not with others. Moreover, more discretion is required in tapping these instincts if they are to produce good conversation.

Types of Conversation & The Role of Instinct(3) • A mutual dislike stimulates conversation. It is easy to stimulate most people to talk if you can find their pet peeve. Beware of doing this unless you share their viewpoint • Perhaps the strongest instinct is parental affection. Talk to someone (especially a woman) about their children and they are deeply interested • The instincts which must always be avoided are: • Repulsion • Self-abasement • Fear

PRACTICAL POINTS • Effective conversation: you should decide (in advance) on the purpose of the conversation and the plan for achieving it • Assertiveness

If someone argues against you, even loses their temper, you should be quietly assertive. The final message is a three-fold plan of action: 1. acknowledge what is being said by showing an understanding of the position, or by simply replaying it (a polite way of saying "I heard you already") 2. State your own point of view clearly and concisely with perhaps a little supporting evidence 3. State what you want to happen next (move it forward)

PRACTICAL POINTS • Confrontations • • •

Be professional Do not lose your self-control. Some managers believe it is useful for "discipline" to keep staff a little nervous.

• Insults are ineffective Staff may listen but the main problem is not addressed

“On the Journey to Learn, all we do is to discover our ignorance progressively” Adapted from Will Durant

Questions?