Tattered Thoughts

Tattered thoughts by Soni Malani introduction by Renu Malani

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In loving memory of my beautiful sister and best friend Soni who taught me how to love with no conditions and how to dream with no limits.

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The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

- Psalm 23 (King James Version of the Holy Bible)

4 29 October 2009, Hong Kong Dear Soni Well here it is, at last, “Tattered Thoughts” in print as you always dreamt it would be. I remember when we were kids hearing about it, never got to read it till much later in my life, sadly when you were already gone from me. I never got to tell you how proud I was of you for the beauty of your words and your ability to bare your soul on paper. My plan here is to create something for your children, something that will show them who their mother really was, a dreamer, a realist, an optimist, a woman afraid of her true self because she knew she was different, a million other contradictions that only those who truly loved you would understand. Your history is safe in my hands, I promise to keep you alive all my life. You were the bravest and most generous person I ever met and I am so proud you were my sister. You taught me things I had no idea I needed to learn and I continue to learn to this day and I am sure all of my days. I have spent so much time looking back over our time together and trying to understand why it was cut short. I remember when we were young you told me that we wouldn’t grow old together and that you would have a shortened life. I wish I could have convinced you it wasn’t true but something in me knew you were right. I always understood why you lived your life at double speed although we never spoke about it again. It was a look in your eye that I knew and I understood. One of the most remarkable things about you was the way you were willing to share your children with me. As the gods would have it, I never had my own and you left me a legacy of four beautiful souls that I feel are my own now. You even regularly let me take credit for them when you were still here. You listened to my baseless theories on child rearing, threw out the rubbish I came up and took my greater ideas and presented them as your own! It was still an honour for me to be involved with the rearing of these children. Speaking about the children, my god how they have grown. And how very proud you would be of what you created. They are who they are because of you Soni, your special brand of loving that I am sure you had a patent on, has served them well. Ayeesha, “our” first, can you believe our baby is 25?? How and when did that happen? Remember the day she was born, so perfect, unwrinkly and alert? Her full head of hair, still her crowning glory with all it’s crazy curls as you used to call them. She is kind and gentle with a softness that could only have come from our mum, her beloved nani. Neither you nor I have that kind or sweetness! She is like the pied piper with kids wherever she goes, it is a beautiful thing to see her patience and love that is seemingly endless. Being as good a person as she is would have been enough for us wouldn’t it? She ended up being a brainbox as well!! The girl that we thought couldn’t add 2 plus 2 brought home a first class honours degree four years after the bottom fell out of her world and she lost her mother. The thought of her graduation day still gives me goosebumps and makes me want to cry with pride for her achievement and sadness that you didn’t live to see it. Or maybe you did see it? Maybe I was able to will your soul into that auditorium with me

5 that day as I tried so hard to? When she collected her degree in her cap and gown and turned to blow mum and I a kiss, I felt you smile down from heaven. I have never seen our girl so happy, just radiant. And then there is Diveesha, whose every action reminds me of you. She is our little firebrand, tiny but packing a punch! Just like you, talks fast, lives fast, juices the life out of every moment, it is an amazing thing to see this girl’s zest for life, I have only ever seen it once before in my life…. Alongside all the big talk and big ideas is an amazing young lady, so full of determination and positivity. She is taking sure and steady steps ahead in her life and making a career despite her desire to have fun! She is magnetic and dynamic, and so much like you that it hurts me sometimes to look at her. I hope she makes time for the little, simple things in life that perhaps you also didn’t have time to enjoy. I have this recurring dream of her on her wedding day. In the dream she is getting ready, getting stressed out and suddenly it hits her that you aren’t there and all she has is me and I am so scared that I won’t be enough. All I can do is promise you I will do my best to fill some of that hole in her life, for all my life. And I maintain that no one, except you, has ever made me laugh the way Div does! I love her with all my heart even though she thinks I love Ayeesha more! When it comes to the boys, our darling Imran and Zubin, my words fail me when I try to tell you all that I feel. On the occasions that I have seen them, when I look into their eyes again, I see you staring back, looking into my soul. All I can do is promise you that I will do whatever it takes, to ensure they know who their mother was and how amazing you were and how very much you loved them. It is not a promise I make lightly and I know the patience it will require to fulfill it, but one of the lessons I have learnt of late is that of patience, shame it took 40 years of my life to come to me. Imran is turning into a lovely young man, obviously remembering that word you taught him so early in his life – gentleman. He is sensitive and kind and looks so much like you it is astounding. Our little Zubin, smart as a whip, full of laughter and fun with a personality that just sparkles. He is top of his class and speaks at a hundred miles an hour! As you did. They give the best hugs and know that they are loved. When Zubin speaks to me, he holds my face so I can’t look anywhere else while I am talking to him, the sort of thing that I can imagine you would do! How do I tell you about mum, our lovely mum whose world crumbled when you left us? The most unnatural thing in the world has happened to her, to deal with the death of her child and it has been impossibly difficult for her in particular. But somehow, she has managed to find a way to go on, to find simple pleasures in the children. You left me with unusually large shoes to fill in her life and I have spent more than six years trying to make up to her the fact that she lost you. An impossible task and I finally realize I can’t replace you, I have to be me but I do truly love her and pray I have been a good daughter to her. Her spirit is amazing and has served her very well in dealing with her massive loss. She is such a great role model for the girls, knowing exactly how to bring out the best in each of them, being rock steady in her love for them, teaching them how to

6 become “ladies”, they adore her. As do I. When we lost Dad almost two years ago, my first thought was “Soni won’t be lonely in heaven now, Dad will take care of her.” My second thought was “Soni will take care of Dad now”. That’s what you were, our caretaker, we were so safe in your capable hands. I feel like I have been freefalling through parts of the last six years without you. So many times, with so many decisions, my first thought is “How would Soni deal with this?” Strangely, the answers seem to come more often than not. I feel your hand guiding my life to safer pastures and I am so grateful for that. I know I am on higher ground now and I won’t drown. I needed help and somehow found the strength to take control of my life, I feel that strength was yours, so thank you. Whenever I tell people about the way my sister loved me, I tell them about the day that I went home with bleeding blisters on my feet after a hard day on my feet with a client for many hours in ill-fitting shoes, and I cried with pain. I opened my door to you the next morning and there you were with a bag from Marks and Spencer’s containing four pairs, in different colors, of the most comfortable shoes a girl could ask for and you told me never to cry for such things and that you were there for me. You made me feel so safe and loved and I miss you so much it hurts. You would have been fifty years old this year. Can you imagine how mercilessly I would have teased you every day about it? I wish I had had the chance, I would even have been happy to have you tease me about how we were both in our forties until the very last day of your 49th year. I was happy every day that we did get though, and grateful for them. Your poems in print finally are my gift to you, to honor your memory in my quest to make you go on forever. After the poems, I plan to include some of the emails you sent to those who loved you as you battled your cancer. I want everyone to know the courage, dignity and humour you showed when you took hold of your situation and fought with unimaginable strength. I am so proud of you, how much you taught us all about bravery. When we used to sit together in your room at the hospital while you got your chemo, you told me that if we stand shoulder to shoulder as a family, we were invincible. I will never forget that. Soni, to be your sister has been a privilege. Thank you for everything you ever did for me, I hope you know I never meant to take it for granted. You did things for me that no one else has ever done for me and I love you, then, now and forever. You were the best big sister I could ever have dreamt of, my partner in crime, my double-act, my role model, my unbeatable Taboo partner and my very best friend. So here goes, Tattered Thoughts, the book of poetry by my sister, a beautiful young dreamer called Soni Malani started 37 years ago and finally in print….

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TATTERED THOUGHTS – SONI MALANI

This collection of poems, has been to me a diary of all the thoughts and feelings which I have felt since I was 13 years old. The words like the years can be confusing, vulnerable, simple and yet, so easily misunderstood. Although the writing does mature in the second chapter… the simplicity is maintained. I believe in expressing a feeling upon the symptoms rather than allowing it to develop into something complicated and inexpressible. Therefore, since these feelings are not edited, tempered with or subjected to any criticism before this, I ask you to forgive my impulsiveness, my contradictions and my sentimentality. Kahil Gibran once said “Poets with tattered thoughts mend their patches with words from the dictionary.” And upon his guideline, my writings come to you as these thoughts came to me….. at times in an avalanche, at other times…… just a trickle. Each one memorable, at times misunderstood, but, nevertheless… mine. And I share them with you………….

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If my world falls in tomorrow, I’ll thank god for today, Today and every other day, That I have spent with you, We’ve stumbled and we’ve fallen, But, we’ve come to understand, That those of us who have done this, Know what it means to stand, I may say many farewells, But all my roads lead back to you, So where do we go from here? Which is the way back here? I cannot leave your love, It makes me feel at home, It took so long to realize, I just can’t make it all alone.

9 The Evening’s Over Thanks for the company, We shared some good laughs, But the evening’s over, And this will be our last dance, I shall miss seeing your smiling face, Over the rim of my champagne glass, But, the evening’s over, And this will soon be in the past, Now the band is playing, Our farewell song, I shall hum it often, But we’ll both forget it before long, This is the last bar, And I feel your arm around my waist tightening, But, the evening’s over, So loosen up and let me go, Before.. I beg to stay.

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Standstill Tell me my love, where do we go from here? Now that we’ve grown tired of our eternal love, All our promises have been fulfilled, And we’ve made no more, Now we’re drifting apart, because, we can’t get any closer, There’s no hatred… just love No resentment, but, devotion, We don’t value a habit, But, I sure would miss your love, if I didn’t have it, So tell me, Where do we go from here? Now that our hearts have exchanged places, And we only live to keep each other alive, My love, come near to me, Come let’s be each other again, One can’t survive until it is two, And I’ll never survive without you.

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If you need me, Open up your heart, And you’ll see me, Waiting to come in, I am your friend, And I feel your feelings, As I do my own, I bleed your blood, And share all that you permit me to, As you live your life from day to day, Things will come, and things will go away, You will gain, and you will lose, It is the world’s way, For what it may be worth, Please know, that whatever you may want…. .. need or ask of me, In the name of friendship, I’ll not deny you.

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I don’t believe in you God, But I know you exist, I won’t pray to you, though, I know you’ll listen in, I want you to leave me alone God, yet you remain near, Get out of my sight Lord, but you were never here, You messed me up and brought me down, Why the hell are you always around? You claim to love me, but you bring me grief, If you cared, you would bring me relief, For Satan’s embrace I cry out, For the good Lord doesn’t know what it’s all about, You don’t purify God… You pollute, You give no support to our pursuit, Who? Where? What is God we ask, Tell me Lord… Do you simplify our task? Help us Lord for what it’s worth, You’re there and you can but you don’t, We must just accept and not ask why, And for those for whom, this is not enough, Ask the Lord….and you will as I have… … called his bluff.

13 Who can I tell of the life I’ve led? Can you listen and not be disgusted … if you don’t understand? My pen, paper, my imagination and me, Are all I need to keep me happy, At a young age I mastered deceit, I made and broke several images, None of which were really me, I’ve gained false self-created experiences, I’ve invented lovers, Created friends, And pretended love affairs, I’ve confused and sobered, And been an authority of things I know nothing about, And I’ve bluffed my whole life through, I’ve been to each, what he likes in a friend, Deceiving all in my pretence, I’ve convinced and created doubts, In the minds of those who know better than I, I’ve spread a love that I call my own, So matured is it, that no-one can understand, So they accept it in their ignorance, I’ve laughed at and envied one and the same, I’ve been meek and dominating, I’ve shrugged off and chased after, And now my mockery of life, My all-star bluff still stands, The paths of my lies have not yet crossed, And when I die, Some will feel the loss, Others will whisper “good riddance”, Today I’ve adored and shied away from adoration, I feel my imagination is better than anything Which reality can offer me, So I say to myself…. Live on dreamer, Maturity doesn’t come easy, And pretence easiest of all, I will never die!

14 Where do we Go Where do you go, when there’s nowhere to go? And what do you do when there’s nothing to do? Do you sit all alone and wish I was there? Are you like me, do you still care? When you’re alone, do you wish you had me for company? When you’re in company, do you wish you were alone with me? Will I never have you, as I did before? How can life be so cruel to a love that was so kind? As one we were so mighty, We joined together all that the seas tried to sever, Apart we are so lonely, With you there.. and me here.

15 Running Out The stories have all been told, The fantasies and the memories, Each lie was manifested, And each truth buried, My image stands tall, But, my soul hangs low, Where am I going? What do I want? I find myself in a mad panic, Trying to pick up the pieces, That once made me. Well, bridges have been known to break, And trees to bow down, The world has been known to slow down, And people to rest.

16 I Don’t Know if I Love You Do I love you? How can I tell? All I know is that I’ve never felt this way before, The touch of your hand, and I know I need you, The sound of your voice, and my heart leaps, The kiss from your lips, and I don’t know, … I don’t know if I love you, Please don’t ask me to decide, For I fear what I may find out, Because, if I discover I love you, I’ll never leave you, And, I feel I need to leave you now. When you’re away, I want to be with you, When you’re here, I feel ‘tis I who needs to go, I don’t understand myself, I don’t know … I don’t know if I love you.

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I am alone, and the night frightens me, It beckons me to come, but I will remain here, And caress the bittersweet memories of you, I linger upon each thought until it slips by, And when the last memory is re-lived… .. I remember over again. How long must I dwell in these stale thoughts? When will these days be brought back to us? Everything is fading, and with each dream, My thoughts are more and more clouded, The days are passing by And it always feels like night, I wait for you to light a candle To clear the way through darkness.

18 Lost Looks It’s evening, At least, that’s what I’m told, And the flowers are in full bloom, But, how would I know? I can still feel your stare, So don’t think I don’t know it’s there, You’re the one who loves me… I’m told, But, why is your touch so cold? I can’t look into your eyes, And see all of your lies, I’ve lost that look of love, I can look up and not see above, I’ve lost that look of love, And you don’t love me anymore, I can’t see you there, But, I feel you don’t care, My voice can’t say What my eyes used to tell, And I’ve lost that look of love, If eyes mean so much, How come you never held me and said, “I’m glad you can see”.

19 Love Shall Never Pass Our love must never pass, We must make it last, And if time begins to show We’re the only ones who’ll know That our love was so strong, For it lasted for so long, I wish that you were here with me, How happy I would be, They would never come to know, Just how hard it was for me to go, Everything has been against us, But, the future will support us. True love never dies, It just tries, and tries and tries, I’ve tried so hard to hide, That I need you by my side, But, when darkness falls on me, The truth is there for all to see.

20 Love’s here, But, Love’s Gone You’re here, after all the waiting and wanting, You’re here, Near enough to share a breath of air, But, I cannot touch you, I cannot reach you, Come closer, let’s be together as before, You’re here after all this time, Why aren’t you with me? Have I been teasing myself again? Have I been painting glorious fantasies in my mind Only to see them crumble this way? Perhaps, I should have rehearsed the alternative more thoroughly Should have know things wouldn’t have gone my way, The “ifs” and “buts” of the past, Just don’t compensate for that “is” today.

21 CHAPTER II You are my dearest friend, And in every way, my better half, You’re my conscience when I’m wrong, And my pride when I’m right I want so much to do something for you, To give a part of myself to you, But which part can I give you, That you’re not already familiar with? It’s so hard to show someone you love, Just how much you love them, I guess, the words are unimportant As long as the feelings are intact, For each kind word, each loving gesture, Every time you made me smile When my every instinct was to cry, For all those times… I thank you You never spoiled me, You weren’t always there When I wished you were, But, always when I needed you, You taught me to understand Each step I took, each phase of life. You made me strong, ….. Thank you I can’t repay you for building my world, I can only welcome you to it.

22 I’m so alone, It’s as if I belong to a different dimension, And all the people passing by me Cannot reach me, and I cannot touch them, I am in the midst of an avalanche of events, And yet, none concern nor influence me, Laughter rings through my ears, And tears trickle through my heart, Tragedies pierce my very soul, My senses are very much alive, And yet, life merges with the walls of my body, And dissolves right through them, As though I belonged to a different dimension, ….. I am so alone.

23 Timeless moments, and endless days, Strange shadows, acting in familiar ways, Empty thoughts and failing plans, Undying faith in incompetent hands Closely linked broken hearts, And true love all scattered apart, Too many tears and too many sighs, Shed over what has already passed by. The prodigal… The returned wanderer, Who has not returned, Present in body but, absent in spirit, Forever seeking, forever asking, And now, as the curtain of night is drawn, The strange shadows are a reflection, And the day has found it’s end, And hands are good hands, And there are no plans left, Each day is a beginning, And yesterday’s strangers have become, Today’s friends.

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Before I knew you, Sunsets marked the end of the day, And dawn meant getting ready for work, Flowers were to be sent to the ill, And beautiful flowers to the dead. Happiness was a word that poets used, And peace was an escapist’s ideal, Pleasure was the outcome of too much pain, And pain was the result of too much pleasure … Then I met you Now I rest and rise, draped in your love, Flowers have become God’s sign of approval. The escapists have brought us To where the poets dreamt of, And here, in the midst of all this glory The pleasure and the pain …. I have you.

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There’s no other shadow on the table.. but mine, I can’t feel the warmth of a body near mine, I need to feel the whisper of breath, from someone’s words, I’m so alone My stare pierces through the air, and goes on and on, I wish it would reflect on someone And return to me….bringing them with it, Lonely people have such funny thoughts. The only opinions I hear are my own, And I know them only too well, I want to share them with someone Give myself to them…but how? ,,, I’m so alone Everyone’s living in the world together And I had to have one of my own.

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What shall I write, Or should I write at all? Will it take me higher, Or will it bring me down? I must write, Because, there’s no-one here to talk to, And though my feelings are intact, They elude the tip of my tongue, Words may be my shame, But, my pen is my friend, And no-one can hold me to, Words I have not said, I haven’t a friend nor a lover, Yet, I do not mourn over the present, Perhaps, tomorrow everything will change, And the shame will then be mine. No-one understands, but, no-one does not, So how can I complain? Everything just carries on, And I must do the same. I do wonder sometimes, What things would have been like, If I had been different, Instead of being the same. I’ll never know… so why ask? My words and my questions May be my shame, But, surely the future, Will be my fame.

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Have the times caught up with you, As they have with me? And me you feel the winter, Before the summer’s through? Do you wonder if you’ll survive, If you just let go and slip away? Or do you just play along And wait for another day? Are we all this way Or just a chosen few? Do we race against time Just to meet death in the face? I’m so wakeful and restless, Won’t someone help me to find the way? Or shall I just carry on, And wait for another day?

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I need you, I don’t need the things you can do, And I can live without what you represent, But, I need all of what is inside you, I loved you so much, that it hurt, I wanted you so badly, that I hated you … for not being there, I can’t live near you, Yet, I won’t survive if I’m too far away I live my life like that of a moth, Teasing and adoring, the one thing that can be my doom, I am tantalized by your words, And your fingertips singe my skin, I am spinning down to die, For I cannot be with you, And I cannot stay away.

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Where have our days gone? They were once so much a part of us, And now they are so rare, When it’s all over… and it’s too late, We’ll realize we have only ourselves to blame. I guess we both tried a little too hard, To prove the other wrong, And while we were both battling to win, We both lost.. so much… so painfully. We may never feel the loss, But, then again, it may catch up with us, How a bond so great was broken, And a friendship so deep was lost They say “all’s well that end’s well”, It’s a pity we have to end it first, Before we can find out the truth of it.

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A moment of my life, Is in every note, every love song ever written, Each thought of you, In every word of every love letter, I know I’m not the only one in love, And there’s nothing I can say, Which hasn’t already been said, thought or sung, So it’s best I say nothing, And pray you hear my silence. Should my silence be too mild, or too over-powering, That you do not acknowledge my effort, Then my silent love for you, Like the song that was never sung, And the letter that was never read, Will remain never missed.. … and never understood.

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Save Today for Tomorrow Come to me, In the way that you used to, Hold me, In the arms that I’m used to, This moment will never come our way again, So please share it with me, Was yesterday so long ago? Are we not responsible to our past? And without the past, Would the future be what it is? What is our future anyway? The world is ours to challenge, And we are mightier as one, So let’s save up our nights, And cherish our days. If we put all our moments away, Maybe, then someday.. we can trade them in .. for a lifetime together.

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The breeze is blowing gently against my face, And my mind is clouded with thoughts of you, Pictures fleeting back and forth through time, Stopping nowhere.. forgetting nothing Every facet of your face in the sunlight, And every shadow of our bodies arched in the moonlight, I recall it all, Everything changes, yet.. everything ends By remembering, I feel as if I’m intruding Or some sacred shrine, filled with love, beauty, purity, Never to be touched… For fear of tarnishing the brilliance Of the flame we once kindered there, I shall not touch, But, I cannot help remembering

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I’m so lonely – but, I’m not alone, I just want a few loved ones by my side, And a familiar hand on my shoulder, I’m going round in circles, So much so, that each breath I breathe seems familiar, And my footprints are ahead of my feet, Reality and illusions seem to be the two sides Of the same wretched coin, And however it may fall… … There is no escape for me.

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I need you at time like this, When love has left me And pity has set in, I hate to feel this way, When I have nothing, I yearn for the best I’ve had, When I know no love, I regret the loss of my best lover, Is there happiness to be found In spasms of contentment? They never last long, But, they’re never far apart, I know so many so well, It doesn’t help me to understand myself, For that I need you, Only you.

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If only things were different, And I could reach out to you, Rather than, us both desperately trying To disguise pride as self-respect The silence is so loud and piercing, It eats away at me, Harmony lies in communication, As we may have not achieved that, We have lost more than what we began with, My friend, we have invested so too much And for too long, to sacrifice it all now, So for the sake of all the days gone by, Do you think we’re ready to give it one more try? I’ll walk half-way and if by then, I have not met you along the way, I’ll turn around and try again some other day

36 The time has come, for us to bring to an end, All of the pain, we’ve been causing each other, Your loss is not by gain, nor is my loss yours, So let’s continue… not as we ended, But as we began.. as friends, No matter how many faults, We may have come to discover in each other, They shouldn’t dull the brilliance Of all that once sparkled between us, In all fairness, if we are to take the good with the bad, Can we possibly deny ourselves of each other? If not, for the love of each other, Then at least, for the love of ourselves, Let us abandon our price, And surrender to our emotions.

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If we must part, Then let it be like this. Not heart on heart, Nor with the useless anguish of a kiss, But touch my hand and say, “Until tomorrow or some other day.” If we must part, If words are so weak, When love hath been strong Let silence speak! Life is so little a while, And love so long, A time to sow and reap, And after each harvest, a long time to sleep, But… words are weak!

38 Won’t you look my way, Just once before you go And let my eyes tell you What you ought to know. I’m not sure that it will Turn out right, But I feel that it must might… .. if we try. I’m not asking you to pledge the future, Because the future’s not yours to give, Just standstill for a while, And let me watch you… … while you live!

39 I wanted to share the beauty of my sister’s writing, and that includes excerpts from a journal we found after she was gone and some of the emails to those she called her “dream team” that supported her and her family throughout her illness. All the documents are not yet collated and I will be adding to this as people send me things she wrote to them. The final email is one I wrote on Soni’s behalf, toward the end of her battle when writing was becoming increasingly challenging.

Subject: wish me luck for tomorrow Date: Tue, 02 Apr 2002 20:29:18 +0800 Hi folks, Today was the last of my radiation treatments..yippee! I thought I would drop a line to everyone who has been so supportive throughout all of my treatments, and say a big thank you! I don't know where to begin when I try to sum up how humbling it has been having so many people wishing me so well. You have all been great, and if and when I win this fight, at no time will I think that I won it alone. Each one of you have been my strength at some point in this battle. Tomorrow, I have a scan which will determine whether the radiation worked. The way forward will be clearer then. I want to call on all of you one more time to send some positive energy to that scan tomorrow. Those of you who have been close to this experience, will know that I have chosen to take this on without any fear. I do believe the love and laughter I have been blessed with, are all the tools I need. My wonderful family and friends have made most of this easy. I love you all dearly. I am sorry however for all the unanswered messages, the dinner parties I declined and several other apparently unfriendly gestures. This has just been a time when I have needed to go within and not without. I know you all understand. “I will not die an unlived life! I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire I choose to inhabit my days to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible to loosen my heart Until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom, and that which comes to me as blossom goes on to fruit." - Dawna Markova This has been a fantastic time, full of revelations, surprise friendships and rare insights. No part of me regrets the wisdom, clarity or awareness that has come out of it. If you are wishing or praying for me, please wish away the illness, but not everything else which accompanied it.

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"My barn burned down..but now I can see the moon". Hey, if everything goes well, from tomorrow I can start using words like "remission" and "survivor"! God help you all if people like me get more words to use. Love you all and again thanks for all the good thoughts. Soni

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Sent: Thursday, April 04, 2002 5:44 PM Subject: Wow, what friends I have Hi folks, Just a quick note to tell you all how overwhelming it was to receive emails or phone calls from almost each and every one of you. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. Hanif and I went to the hospital to discover the computers were down and they couldn't give us the report of the scan. Nevertheless, we did body tackle the radiologist..who made the comment "there was significant improvement since the last scan" That was all she could tell us for now. The doctor then told us he was thrilled that there was improvement because the effects of radiation continue to work for the next few weeks, and what little tumour was left will continue to respond to the last 5 weeks of radiation treatment for the next few weeks. On Wednesday we will get reports to the full extent of the improvement..so you will all hear from me then. Once again, I am touched and humbled by your energies and caring. Thank you to those of you who passed my message to those I forgot or didn't imagine cared. The world is a much better place recently, and I am more eager than ever to hang around for a long while longer. With love, Soni

42

My dearest friends, I know I should have got back to everyone yesterday...but I was too busy celebrating!! The report of the scan showed that almost 80% of the tumour is gone, the balance 20% should be gone within 5 weeks, which is how long the effects of radiation continue for. YIPPEE! The doctor is going to put me through two rounds of chemotherapy just so that he feels he is doing something while we wait to repeat the scan and for the radiation effects to kick in. You all know that this phenomenal result is a credit to the prayers and wishes of all of you. So pat yourselves on the back guys. This has been the first bit of good news we have received in 8 months. Hopefully now the madness is over and the elements will be kinder. I will never forget the support and love I have felt throughout this experience. They say that when something like this happens, it may be one individual who gets hit, but the shrapnel hits everyone in their life. I really do believe that no-one's life will ever be the same again. My illness seems to have brought out the best in everyone I know. People have reached deep inside themselves and come out with a goodness and a generosity which has even surprised them. As I have no desire to forget any of the lessons I have learned in the last 8 months, please all of you remember the goodness within each day, we are only those who we love and those who love us. Nothing else matters. I know you will all think I am crazy but, I always knew if I travelled the tunnel with integrity, the light would show itself at the end. Thank you all for keeping me on the straight and narrow, there is light now and I know it will lead me out of the tunnel. I love you all. Soni

43

My dear friends, Had not planned to make a practice of communicating with you all this way, but, the elements seem to be in control of what happens to me these days...Apparently the journey is far from over, my oldest and dearest friend Anita has just been diagnosed with Hodgkins disease. To save you all launching your internet explorer and looking it up, it is a malignancy of the lymph glands. The prognosis is very good with a very high cure rate. Nevertheless, although she has a choice of radiation and/or chemotherapy, Anita being Anita, has chosen to firstly embark on a natural remedy treatment plan. She is under the care of a fantastic doctor named David Henderson, who is also a naturopath. The reason for this email is not to merely inform you all of her condition, but, to engage the same energy which has helped me through the hardest time in my own illness. Anita is a good, kind, evolved person, and in many ways, much more than me....she will receive your prayers and good wishes, towards a much greater good than I am able to generate. I beg you all to channel a thought, a wish or a prayer..or all of the above, towards my friend. I am sure none of you are so naive that you believe our illnesses are unrelated to eachother. Obviously, we are meant to journey through some similar roads. I would wish for her many of the good experiences I have had in the last 8 months, but, I would also wish her to be spared some of the painful ones. May the love and prayers you all send her way, act as a filter for these experiences. Perhaps also obvious, (but maybe to me only), is that my own path is nowhere near clear yet. I thought most of this chapter was over for me, I will now relive alot of it with her. I can only presume that I missed some of the lessons, or that I already require a refresher course for the ones I forgot. No other sensible reason comes to my mind, as to why this would happen again so close to home. Perhaps this is part of her journey, and my illness was only ever meant to help pave the way for her. I can't begin to pretend I understand. I only know our destiny is entwined forever. While you all have your prayer hats on, please pray that I don't let her down. Something is required of my greatest self, and I hope I am able to deliver. While we were growing up, Anita would always taste and I would finish up the dish! She would start something motivated by interest, caring, passion or some other noble intention, and I would sweep it up, reinvest it's remnants, turn it upside down and then scream that I had bitten off more than I could chew, and that it was all her fault for starting it in the first place! Everyone we ever encountered growing up would ask her, how can a nice person like you, be best friends with that cow Soni? Please guys, show her how and why! Love to you all, Soni

44

From: "soni kanji" Subject: One more race to win Date: Mon, 10 Jun 2002 My dear friends, I bet you are all thinking "oh no, another one of her emails". If you are, too bad, because I am at it again. Since my last scan, we repeated another dose of radiation. It has now been 3 weeks and tomorrow we are repeating the scan. Whereas I have been very optimistic prior to all the other scans, I must admit that this one has me very apprehensive. Perhaps it is because I have exhausted all radiation and chemotherapy available to me, pretty much for this lifetime! Although I think this tumour would have to be insane to stay in my body any longer, I still need to beg you all to put your hands and hearts together, and say a prayer once more for it to be gone. Ironically, in a best case scenario…..the tumour has finally succumbed to the radiation and shriveled up and died, never to raise it's ugly head again. In which case, we have the mother of all parties planned and you are all invited. In a worst-case scenario, it has stayed the same (or grown). In which case, we stop battling this on a physical level, and change approaches to utilize more emotional and spiritual artillery. From where I am standing right now, neither option is actually bad! One of my greatest fears is probably that I will beat this thing, and my emotional and spiritual self will go back into hibernation, having only just surfaced. Thank you all for sharing this journey with me, it is far from over, but this chapter is definitely coming to an end. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes, which have sustained me thus far. I have never felt so empowered in my life. Thank you all also for the prayers you directed towards my friend Anita, she is showing a marked improvement and gets better every day. Praise the Lord. I will let you all know the results of the scan, so shine your party shoes. Love, Soni

45

From: renu malani Sent: 04 September 2002 17:34 Subject: an update and a plea

Dear Everyone Where do I begin? I seem to have taken over my sister's job of her newsletters as she isn't really up to being able to do it herself at the moment. They say ask and you shall receive, well I am here, asking once again for your prayers for Soni. This disease is relentless in her case and perhaps because she is as strong as she is, she has been given so much to overcome. Whatever the reason, things have gotten worse and more than ever we need your energies. She is in the second cycle of what they hope will be six cycles of a new chemotherapy combination drug. During that cycle she gets extremely weak, tired, mouth ulcers, you name it she gets it. She is being incredibly brave throughout it and the doctors do feel they are having success with the treatment. However, it now seems that there is a new tumor, in her brain. The results of two MRI scans have not been 100% conclusive but they do believe whatever it is is behaving like a tumor as it grew over the span of a few days. They have immediately started a radiation programme which involves two sessions a day, seven hours apart for the next thirty days. This is going to be really hard on her during her low phases of the chemo cycle especially. This new lesion in the brain has compromised two of the nerves that lead to the eye which has forced her to wear a patch over one eye as it causes double and triple vision. That is the short version. On top of this Ayeesha her oldest daughter is due to leave to begin Uni next week. It has been the hardest decision for us to still send her off, but the decision is Soni's. As Ayeesha put it the other day, "mum I understand, you made four rockets and you want to see at least one of them fly" She is so much my sister's daughter, despite me pretending for eighteen years that she was mine! So Ayeesha leaves to study Psychology and Social Anthropology at Brunel University in Middlesex on her path to conquering the world for her mother's sake. It is also the hardest decision of her life. She is amazing and has shoulders strong enough to bear the weight of the world, I am so proud of her dignity and courage that she shows us everyday.

46 I believe in my sister and I fully support any decision she makes and I am begging you for your support and your prayers right now. I pray for her to have the strength to bear what she must and the courage to face the disease and conquer it. I pray that my mother who will be 71 and is facing every mother's worst nightmare, has the strength to support her daughter in her darkest hours and I pray her children have learnt all the lessons my sister worked so hard to teach them and will use the tools she gave them to rise above their anguish, I pray that in my lifetime I am able to contribute something to the children's life and make up to them any pain they have suffered. There are so many things to pray for, please don't hold back. One day I promise to write to you all with good news. Thank you all. Always Renu

47 The following are letters I asked the people that Soni loved the most to write to her, to tell her how they felt and how she impacted their lives. The first is from our mother… who of course can’t be told how to do anything and did it in her own format that she felt was better. Bless her for her independence of thought, she is an inspiration, a powerhouse and a woman born before her time!

A story about my Sonu I am not a writer and this is not a book. This is an attempt to tell my grandchildren about their mother, whom they have lost at a very tender age. It is an attempt to get them to know what kind of a woman she was because it was important to her that her children know her. The presence of a mother in a child’s life is the soft touch which the good Lord provides to protect our young ones from the harsh realities of life. The mother’s lap is the safest landing place when one falls. My Soni was a victim of a cruel decision of destiny which took her away from her children. She had everything to live for and yet she didn’t. It is one of those mysteries of nature, which will never be understood by mere mortals. She knew she had lost the battle and on her last night she pleaded with me to promise her that her children would know her and her memories would not be lost in the new set-up, which was inevitable. I promised and am now trying to keep that promise by telling stories about her life, her beliefs, her ambitions, her courage, her compassion, her energy, her humor and above all her loyalties. She was my second child, born into a family who was partial to boys. When they put her in my lap, I did not know whether she was a boy or a girl. She had the sweetest dimples and I hoped that she was a girl because she was a lovely little thing and when her grandmother said “ Oh it is OK that she is a girl, at least there is boy before her” I could have shouted “yippee” but of course I did not. I dared not. She was named Sangeeta but Anil, who thought she was the next door neighbour’s doll, called Soni, promptly started calling her Soni and Soni she stayed. She was born on an auspicious day, before Diwali, called Dhan Teras, a day when Indians buy gold coins for the Laxmi Pooja, so the name Soni, which means “gold” seemed just right. She grew up in the shadows of Anil. He was bigger than her, bullied her all the time but no matter how much they fought, they only had each other. They would tell each other stories every night as our social life was hectic and whereas her stories were long, full of dreams and always with a happy ending, his were basically, “once upon a time there was a dog called Rover and the story is over”. She never held it against him. Every night when we came home and I checked on them, they would always be holding hands even though I would know that before sleeping they had been fighting as there would be a divider line of batteries between the two of them. When I would let them tape songs and stories on cassettes, she would always speak about her brother, how tall and handsome he was and he would always say “Soni is a bum”. It was a strange love-hate relationship between them, and it somehow fizzled out when my third child Renu came along.

48 Suddenly there was more on Soni’s side. The sisters got closer and Anil could not cope with two girls and sort of moved his attention to sports and got involved in his life with the boys. One thing never changed, Renu became the most loved child in the house. Soni loved her because she was hers, Anil loved her because she was so small compared to him and my husband loved her as much as he did, for a reason which I never found out! In school life, there were a lot of times when Soni got into trouble. Once her report card read “She is a disruptive influence on the class”. My Soni could talk, non stop, with or without an audience for an hour and not realize that there is no other sound in the room. When that report came home, her father gave her the first and only slap she ever got from him. She was small built and therefore hated to wear trainers and do P.E. and somehow managed to miss the P.E. classes all term. Whenever caught in the corridor by her P.E. teacher, she would run and the teacher would be shouting “Sangeetaaaaaaaaa” after her. She was the fittest of my children and yet did not do much of sports. Later on she picked up squash and was good at swimming but her skill at playing board games was amazing. No one ever won from her in Scrabble or Boggle or Trivial Pursuit or Taboo or Pictionary. We used to play Boggle with her on one side and the rest of the family on the other side and she would still win. Winning meant a lot to her. Even though she did not excel academically, she was one of the smartest people I knew. Growing up in a family which had different rules for girls and boys was difficult for her. Anil and her had common friends and they partied together but her curfew was 12 and he would bring her home and go back to the party and come home much later. It must have been frustrating for her to grow up with the older brother who threatened to break the bones of any boy who looked at her. Shanu Malani October 2009

49 This letter from Diveesha, Soni’s younger daughter says it all, beautifully….

Dear Mama, Everybody says I now have your eyes, your smile, your cheekbones, your hair, your laugh ... and that's just the physical. There are just two things missing; your dimples, and your way with words. I know you'd understand that it's not easy for me to put down my thoughts and emotions and in all honesty I resisted doing this until the last minute, but then I realised "hang on, its Mum!". You were the only one I did express myself to. So, Happy Birthday Mum. Happy Birthday to the most gracious, kind, beautiful, sentimental, honest, ambitious, warm, loving, creative and funny person to have ever walked this planet. If you were still with us I have no doubt there would be a big celebration - champagne, fireworks, laughter, vol au vonts... the lot! Instead, however, everyone that loves you and thinks about you every step of the way, in everything we do, in every decision we make, every path we take, will be celebrating your life and 50 years of it. If I am half the woman you are by then, I consider myself blessed. I miss you more as each day goes by, but I know that you're still here and I hope I'm making you proud - after all, I'm just doing what I know you would be too :) Love always and forever, Diveesha p.s. "If Mum's Were Flowers, I'd Pick You" XXXX

50

This is from Anita, my sister’s best friend in the world, who has been like a sister to me. I feel that a lot of the poems Soni wrote are actually about her relationship with Anita, she loved her very much. Anita grew up in our house and is like my mother’s fourth child, she is family.

To my dearest friend Soni, This is probably one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write, the main reason being that it forces me to recognize that you are not physically here. That you are dead. As far as I am concerned, you have never left. I have been speaking to you in my head, continuously. You have always been here within earshot, listening, understanding, encouraging me, arguing with me, playing devils’ advocate to my ideas, as you are wont to do. Cheering me on when I succeed in a project or covet some great prize or award. Talking with you in my head is easier than talking to many other people I know who are alive. Writing to you feels odd, as it means acknowledging you are not here, physically with me. I still refer to you in the present tense – it never occurs to me to think of you as someone who is in my past. Because you are not. You have never been closer to me than the way you were through my own journey in illness. To everyone else, you had already succumbed to your own illness. But to me, you were there. You sent me signals and signs, signs that only I was able to interpret. And I knew it was you. And I knew that I would be ok. During our youth, we shared a wonderfully symbiotic relationship, something I will treasure until my dying day, when we will meet again. You always said that you would be willing to take the knocks in life, even on my behalf so that I wouldn’t have to. And you were even willing to share with me the lessons that the knocks brought you. And life dished out plenty of opportunities for you to do just that. Life can be like that – unnecessarily complicated. Ruthlessly tough. Life made it hard for you to be you, made it hard for you to be completely understood and accepted, in your myriad of facets. Yes, life is complicated, and it backed you into a corner. Until your beautifully sparkling wit and nature started to dim. Your beautifully complex nature, which at one time had shone like a multi faceted prism of flickering lights that reflected color off of every facet, slowly started to dim. Slowly, one by one, the facets dimmed. And then you succumbed. But even when the cancer took away your body, and you were no longer in the physical, that didn’t stop you. There you were, by my side, during my own journey with cancer,

51 sharing your wisdom, your strength, and most of all, your presence. Just as you had promised me in our youth, that you would always do. I felt you, knew you were there, and was comforted. Your hand was always on my shoulder. Your presence was our little secret. And then the day came when I got to be with you again, albeit for a very brief time. When I finally crossed over, there you were, in all your glory. Pain free. Happy. Free. As you as you could possibly be. But you told me to go back. Why? And why did you choose to stay? You don’t have to answer. I know. This world is not ready for a soul such as yours. This world is not ready for such a fearless display of brash honesty and freedom from relational and moral confines. Human nature only knows how to operate in shadows cast by light and darkness. The world did not know how to respond to your passionate and ardent nature. The world had nothing to offer you in return for who you are. Sadly, the world was not ready for someone like you. Yet, you have made your mark on the world in more ways than you could possibly know. You continue to exist here through your beautiful children and one day through your grand children. And there are people here who have been touched by you in ways that even they do not fully realize. I count myself fortunate to be one of them. Your legacy will never be lost, as this essence is a part of you that has always existed and will always continue to exist. It is yours and only yours, yet it is not bound in your physical existence. Some things are not bound by time and space. And death releases us from the limited confines of time and space. With love always, Your friend Anita October, 2009

52 This is from Amrita, or as she has always been known to us, Rita, who is Soni’s other best friend. They grew up together and always seemed to have an unspoken understanding between them.

My dearest Soni, I have seen you through all your incarnations…as Sangeeta Malani to Shahani to Kanji. But for me you will always be the quintessential SONI. As my closest friend you were always unwavering in your support and love. Always a quick phone call away to offer advice from my marriage, relationships, marketing ideas to how to find the best car mechanic or plumber. You’ve fixed my computer, found me an apartment, taught me how to play a mean hand of poker and even helped deliver my son at the hospital. How does one thank someone after they’re gone? Maybe like this…Soni I am going to take the liberty of writing down your thoughts and feelings for your family as I saw them through my eyes …so that they can know you like I did. To your parents: Soni loved you with all her heart. She was so grateful for your support when she moved back to HK from Bombay…she would always praise your unwavering devotion to the girls. In a way she felt like a son to you…always feeling the burden of responsibility for your welfare after retirement. Mrs Malani…Soni was so proud of your creative endeavors…your magnificent jewelry creations inspired her to be a great marketer to help you sell them. She loved your spirit and youthful energy. To Renu your baby sister: She was an amazing sister to you…wasn’t she? My God…she felt so personally responsible for you…for your happiness…for your success…for your health…for your finances….for your relationships. She talked of you incessantly…mostly with love…but sometimes you frustrated her….Soni who was always in control and in charge and ambitious couldn’t understand how you went on with life so effortlessly and happily with not a care in the world. Maybe you were her teacher is some ways. She always worried about you…even when she was sick….instead of worrying about the growth of her cancer….she would worry about how you felt….how much you would miss her after she was gone. She was not afraid for her self….but for her family. What I remember most was her pride and joy over your relationship with the girls…how you were a second mother to them…how they could come to you and talk about anything and everything… how much you spoiled them, loved them, taught them. She was very grateful to you for that Renu. And your cooking!!!! That always hit the spot with Soni.

53

To Ayeesha and Diveesha The loves of her life…..until Zubin and Imran came along of course…and then they were included in the mix. Ayeesha…mom never understood where you got your soft pleasing personality…kindness and gentleness from…she loved you for that! Diveesha…you are your mother’s daughter through and through…mom always told me that you were a ‘chip off the ole block’…feisty, strong willed, quick witted and rebellious. What she wouldn’t do for you girls…..she was a single mom who never wanted you to be denied anything… materially, emotionally, socially. You girls were her greatest motivation to make something of herself…to provide for you, take you on trips, buy you every possible gadget and gizmo and send you to the best schools. But she never lost her laughter, her sense of humor or silliness while working all the time…she juggled business and home with such aplomb…that cell phone stuck to the side of her head!!!  Even after she remarried Hanif and had the boys…she always wanted you two to be happy…happy with her decisions and always putting you two first. It caused friction in the home but she was willing to make the sacrifice. I know that her angel spirit is watching over you and when the road gets longer and you’re weary she will take you in her arms for a while and carry you. To Imran and Zubin I’m sorry you lost your mother so early in your lives. You would have been so proud of who she was and how much she loved you two. Imran….you amazed her with your intelligence…she would put you through all sorts of tests and you’d beat her every time and she would beam from ear to ear showing off her deep dimples. Zubin….you were the rascal that made her laugh…..she asked me to watch over you two…and I hope that one day we get to meet and I can share stories about your mom with you personally. To me… I can proudly say that I was one of your closest friends and you fiercely protected your friends…no favour was too large or all. You Showed up, Stood up and Spoke up. A totally fearless, deeply intelligent, creative, beautiful renegade was our Soni. A female ‘James Dean’…cool, independent, self confident…and you didn’t give a DAMN… nope…did as you pleased. I was always in awe of you and will always regard you as my role model…whenever things get tough…I think of how you would have handled life… how you would have pulled up those breeches, saddled the horse and galloped off. I never met a more optimistic person….the glass was always half full. I will never forget the day you helped deliver Shaq at Matilda hospital…Liakat was out of town and I went into labour. You were right by my side every step of the way….even cutting the umbilical cord after I threw up on you….giving you the prestigious honor of being his Godmother. As I was early and fretting about no crib, changing table or baby paraphernalia being organized…Christ the room wasn’t even wallpapered......You went

54 into action. Wallpaper samples and crib catalogues showed up in my room and I just had to give the nod. When I arrived home after three days with Shaq in my arms…I walked into a decorated baby’s room….cloud wallpaper on the walls, a crib made up with fluffy beddings, a change table and a weeks worth of diapers. That was SONI!! You handled your illness with such courage and grace….I wasn’t near you but we would talk regularly on the phone and you would crack jokes and make me laugh. I miss you my dear friend and you’re always in my heart Rita

55

Raju is another of Soni’s best and oldest friends, I remember her in our house when we were growing up and how they used to laugh together and make crank calls to most of our parents friends! 29 October, 2009... "happy birthday my dear, dear soni! cant believe you're 50! i first met u when you were 17.. and you looked 17 for years and years! i hated you for that! just kidding my darling.. bet you still look 17! i can picture you up there chuckling... i never think of you as gone cos you're right here in my heart..thus i never refer to you in the past tense... but i do miss you alot... i talk to you so often and can sometimes actually hear you lecturing me!!! like you used to... i miss your smile, your sense of humour, your contagious laugh, our long talks over gin & lime!! but most of all i miss you my dear friend... along life's road i found a friend who brought me joys untold, to fill my heart with happiness more valuable than gold; a dream of bigger things to come, a friend, a faith, a smile- along life's road i found them all to make my life worthwhile... HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FOREVER DEAREST FRIEND!!! RAJU

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This is from Bhairavi, she is the wife of everyone’s favourite cousin Yogen. Yogen was Soni’s partner in crime and an amazing support to her especially for the ten years she lived in India. I don’t know what she would have done without him….Bhairavi is lovely and my sister was so happy that she loves Yogen the way she does.

Was a great day Day I met Soni Was during my wedding So warm and thoughtful Welcoming me in my new life Wonderful friendship was born Her beautiful smile Deep dimples , so very cute Spontaneity that amazes From kiwi’s in my pregnancy To the knock on the door in Bangkok That’s her Always there Always ready Always smiling Happy Birthday dearest Soni Within me You always will remain With warm happy thoughts Wish you the best today and always Lots of Love Bhairavi & Yogen

57

From our cousin Rani who lives in Japan, she used to come and stay with us a lot when we were kids. She is the oldest daughter of one of our father’s six brothers Soni my darling cousin You were the sunshine in the house Your smile And your twinkling eyes said it all Or did they? You were a bundle of surprises I loved you and I still do You will never be no more for me You and me our relation cant be over Everytime i see a dazzling smile short straight shiny hair You are there with me Love you so God bless you in heaven My darling angel

And from Rani’s sister, Kiran…. Dear Soni, I still remember as if it were yesterday all the great summer holidays I spent with you guys in Hong Kong. Then you grew into a beautiful young woman, got married and came to adopt India as your new home You gave love and opened your home and heart to my husband Raj and me. Now you are no more and neither is he. But you both will ever live on in our hearts and prayers. I remember eating the best ever Chinese food at your place in Colaba. You went thru many downs in your life...but always came out on the top. Cancer claims so many precious people..wish more could be done for research in this field. Then we wouldn't have had to lose our precious gems in the family...You and Raj. Your cousin Kiran...who wishes she had spent more time with you.

58 This next one is from Tracey Davies who worked with Soni’s company Sallmanns Residential. Tracey and I had gone to school together and there was an instant bond between the three of us and Tracey became a very important part of all the family escapades. Soni trusted her, cared about her and looked after her as her own. Dear Soni, When I called you the first time for a job vacancy at Sallmans I had never met you but having worked in the property business in Hong Kong for a while you were already famous to me as a slick businesswoman and the person who broke up the monotony of the South China Morning Post Property section with your quirky and witty property adverts , a “breath of fresh air” in an industry which took itself far too seriously! People who weren’t even looking for properties were scanning the property section just to see what adverts had been placed by you. My job interview with you was like none I have ever had or will probably ever have! You invited me on a junk trip to Potoi with a meal at one of my favourite seafood restaurants sounded too good to be true but no, it was a sign of things to come…… I started at Sallmans and you were just about to get married. Talk about chaos - seating plans, wines, menus, trying to sort out accommodation for all the overseas guests, airport pickups and apart from that a business to run and property deals going down, most brides to be would have been reduced to a mumbling mess but no, you took everything in your stride. If there was a problem you usually joked about it and then found a solution. You were the Queen of multi tasking, everything had to be perfect and you made sure that everyone was well looked after and felt welcomed. I really enjoyed working with you at Sallmans and there was never a dull moment in the office, you made me feel like family from the very first moment and there are too many things to mention in one letter. The Soni/Renu team was also so special, both of you very different personalities but you complimented each other so well and the banter between the pair of you would crack me up laughing on a daily basis, when I think back to the office I have a picture of you sitting in your big high backed office chair one leg tucked up underneath, the other barely touching the floor negotiating with some hardnosed landlord in Chinese or English, a phone to one ear and usually juggling a ringing mobile in your other hand, There was no better entertainment for me than watching you negotiate you were an artist and so good at what you did!! If there was another angle you found it and nobody was a better sales person or could think outside the box quite like you but saying that, you were always fair and totally above board. You had a special way with people whether it was the moaning old Chinese caretaker that guarded ferociously the keys or information to a potential flat or a company director of a multi-national that thought he was Gods Gift, everyone was treated equally and you usually managed to charm them round just by being you. When I left Sallmans in 98 you were in a good place in your life and seemed so content, newly married, Imran was a constant source of joy as were the girls. I lost touch and did not find out about your death until a few years after it had happened, In some ways

59 perhaps selfishly I am glad that I found out much later because to me those years that I didn’t know, you were still very much alive and whenever I thought of you it was with your beautiful family, laughing and joking with Renu or wheeling and dealing and always so full of life! I believe you were special and were needed somewhere else which is why you had to leave us so early. Thank you for being such a special part of my life and I consider myself so lucky to have met you. You were unique and words cannot really express truly how you were, you were great fun and great company, I won’t say goodbye, I don’t know when or where or how but have a feeling that we will catch up again one day . Happy 50th wherever you are, I will be having a glass or two of champagne in your honour and I might even attempt a famous “Soni champagne sabrage” !!! I think you would have been one of the coolest and trendiest 50 year olds around. Thanks for being you. Lots of love Tracy xxxxxx

60 Prabhu started out as the son of my parent’s good friends who lived in the same building as us in Jardine’s Lookout (aka Party Central!) It was an amazing time of their lives, everyone was growing up, falling in love, partying like mad. Prabu became a constant fixture in our home and in our lives. Soni was very special to him… Soni, The One & Only "If You Leave Me Now" Always On The Phone How Many Blue Jeans?? Lunch Boxes?? Anytime!! Sneaking Off From Work Early Working Girl - Paid 2 Use Phone Party Girl - Always Ready 2 Go Girly Girl - Hair, Eyes & Make Up That Smile & Oh Those Dimples Sadly, Just The Guy Next Door Tirpun, Tirpun, Tirpun "Three Times A Lady" And So Much More .......

So many of Soni’s old friends have reached out to me, found me on Facebook and told me how they felt about my sister. It is humbling to know how many people cared about her and her children. Maya is one of them… A heart of gold, A beautiful face, A vision I can never erase. A true friend from the start, Soni, you’ll always have a special place in my heart. Miss you lots and I think about you all the time Maya Panjabi

61 This last one is from a very dear friend Jyoti. I remember when Soni was admitted into hospital to have her first surgery, Jyoti was leaving Hong Kong that day to relocate to the UK. It was a major move for her and she had a million things to do. However, Soni had mentioned to her that she had been told she would not be allowed to take a shower for a few days after the surgery and wished she had some dry shampoo at least. Jyoti showed up at the hospital with two cans of dry shampoo on her last day in Hong Kong. It meant the world to Soni that someone would care enough to do that. It was the kind of thing she would have done for a friend.

“Yesterday’s beautiful moments make today’s beautiful memories” Sadly Soni is not here to create new memories with us, but her memories become doubly alive as time goes by. She was vibrant, fun and wonderfully crazy. A great deal of pleasure lies in having lived. Soni lived life to the max whether it brought her joy or sorrows. She was one of those that never said “why” it was always “why not”. I remember Soni for her youthfulness, her smile, her wicked sense of humour, her warmth. A few figures stand out as we look back to our life in Hong Kong quite like Soni. Although we may not have spent as much time together as with most, there was a tremendous amount of mutual affection. It is the wonderful memories of friends that came to us, that fill our solitude and give us a sense of the continuity of life. Both Divya and Samir have said about Soni that she was one of my “coolest” friends. This poem made me think of Soni and how cool she has been with her beautiful spirited kids. Always positive! Always happy! Facing good times and adversity with courage and a smile. Light A Candle light a candle, see it glow, watch it dance, when you feel low, think of me, think of light, I'll always be here, day or night, a candle flickers, out of sight, but in your heart, I still burn bright, think not of sadness,

62 that I'm not near, think of gladness, and joyous cheer, I have not left, I am not gone, I'm here to stay my little one, so when you light a candle and you see it glow and you watch it dance in your heart you'll know that I would never leave you even when you feel so blue I'm sitting up here with the Lord and now watching over you Soni, we shall celebrate your 50th in the style that you entertained us for your 40 th with champagne and happy memories. We will drink to you, our beautiful friend and in our hearts you will always hold a special place. Jo, Dipoo, Divya and Samir