Thoughts

Sub: Offer of love! Dearest Ms hayat I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of FB. (Saturday). With reference to the meeting PHONE held between us on the 14th of fb. At 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer. Wish you all the best! Thanking you in anticipation, Yours sincerely,

PLANNING MANAGER

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home. The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian .

The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.

Never blame a day in ur life. Good days give u happiness. Bad days give u experience. Both are essential in life! All are Gods blessings!

Art of living: First of all,dont make friends. If made,dont go close to them. If gone,dont like them. If liked,then plz.. Dont leave them. Good Night, sweet dreams…

Since ur eyes are looking tired, Let ur eye lashes hug each other for few hours. Happy journey into the world of dreams. Sweet dreamz... Gudnite to u dear. A famous writer said "Love is like a long sweet dream" And "marriage is an alarm clock." So have a sweet dreams till ur alarm wakes you up! A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught(vey worried and upset(make unhappy) ) about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that ATTITUDE JERRY,was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He

was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious(eagar to know something or learn something), so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut way all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left

the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' "I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breathe and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them. 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

You have 2 choices now:

1. Crib about your daily life and what are you doing and be unhappy . . . 2. Enjoy every moment of your life & give in your Best . . . Keep Smiling Always...

The cross The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear." The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish." The man was filled with relief. "Thank you, Lord," he sighed, and he did as he was told. Upon entering the other door, he saw many crosses, some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. "I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. And the Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in." When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far

more fortunate than you imagined. Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine after the rain. Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall, but God's always there to help through it all.

Secret of Success

A young man asked Socrates the secret of Success. Socrates told the young man to meet him near the river the next morning. They met. Socrates asked the young man to walk with him towards the river. When the water got up to their neck, Socrates took the young man by surprise and ducked him into the water. The man struggled to get out but Socrates was strong and kept him there until he started turning blue. The young man struggled hard and finally managed to get out and the first thing he did was to gasp and take deep breath. Socrates asked 'What you wanted the most when you were there?' The man replied 'Air'. Socrates said 'that's the most secret to success. When you want success as badly as you wanted air, you will get it. There is no other secret'.

A different Love letter A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it. A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate. My Dearest Reshma, Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options (A) 10 marks, (b) 5marks and (c) 3 marks. 1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because: (a) of love (b) you couldn't control seeing me (c) really ... am I doing it? 2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me because: (a) you always like to see me smiling (b) you are testing whether I like jokes

(c) you are attracted by my smile 3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you stopped singing because: (a) you are so coy to sing before me (b) my presence influenced you (c) you feared that whether I'll like your song 4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you hide it because: (a) you felt ashamed (b) you felt uneasy (c) you don't know 5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you and you took only my friend's because: (a) you enjoyed my disappointment (b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing (c) you don't know 6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus... (a) you were waiting for me (b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus (c) that bus was crowded 7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because: (a) I am going to be your groom (b) you just want to know what your parents think about me (c) just you felt like introducing me to them 8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish (b) you like roses (c) by chance you got a rose 9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00 A.M because: (a) you want to pray along with me (b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday (c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in expressing it.

If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not. Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love, Aakash

WORDS OF WISDOM IN THE FORM OF QUOTES

"Focused will is incredible. If you have a dream and you don't give up no matter what obstacles come up, then life's problems will fall away and you will get what you want. It happens. It works." ~~ Yanni "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~~ Bernice Johnson Reagon

"To be successful you must accept all challenges that come your way. You can't just accept the ones you like." ~~ Mike Gafka "Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above it." ~~ Washington Irving "The obstacles you face are... mental barriers which can be broken by adopting a more positive approach." ~~ Clarence Blasier Reasons why LIFE without a Girl Friend is cool

1. You can stare at any Girl 2. You don't have to spend money on girl friend 3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers. 4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing. 5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u. 6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy. 7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to ring 8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and "wrong" for u 9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything according ur wishes anymore. 10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a

girlfriend and have a happier family life. 11. You won't have to waste paper writing love letters. No more endless waiting for ur date to arrive at some weird shop place. 12. You can have more friends, as u will have more time for them. 13. You wont have to see boring love stories instead of sports. 14. You wont have to tell lie to anybody and, therefore, u'll sin less. 15. You can have good night's sleep-no need to dream about her. 16. You wont have to fight over having a 'special' friend with ur folks. 17. No nonstop nonsense. 18. You wont have drown in the pool of her tears. 19. No tension. 20. You can be "urself" 21. You wont have to hide your telephone bills.....

A wonderful story

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them. She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat." "Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she replied. "He's out." "Then we cannot come in", they replied. In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!" The woman went out and invited the men in" "We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she asked. One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home." The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!" His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?" Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!" "Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.

"Go out and invite Love to be our guest." The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest." Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?" The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!! !"

I don't want to go to school

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

What is marketing? 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. "Marry him." -That's Advertising"

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich. "Marry me - That's Telemarketing"

4. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"

5. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! Me?" - That's Brand Recognition"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -

"That's Customer Feedback"

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap"

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets"

Making dreams came true

If you desire to move forward in life towards fulfillment, You should not, at any time complain about the obstacles.

To complain of difficulties Is to betray weakness and lack of faith. Every obstacle is a golden opportunity for further progress. Those who transfer obstacles into opportunities are true leaders. They make dreams came true Love Marriage: Resembles procedural programming language. We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making

long conversations on phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like. Arranged Marriage: Similar to object oriented programming approach. We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her. The main object is fixed and various functions are added to supplement the main program. The functions can be added or deleted. Love Marriage: It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain. Arranged Marriage: Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible. Love Marriage: Family system hangs because hardware called parents are not responding. Arranged Marriage: Compatible with hardware Parents. Love Marriage: You are the project leader so u are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- married life. Arranged Marriage: You are a team member under project leader parents so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life. Love Marriage: Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc. Arranged Marriage: All these features are covered in the SRS as required features. Love Marriage: Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy. Arranged Marriage: Product is sold on an as is where is basis, Product once sold will not be taken back!

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow, When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don't do it, I am lazy, When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart, When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing, When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wondering around. When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick. When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers, When I do wrong, he never forgets

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal! to kill them. 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room-spinning medicine. 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 18 . Procrastinate(delay or postpone action) Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken. 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. 29. Ismile because I don't know what the hell is going on

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . so why practice? Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa. One should love animals. - They are so tasty. Save water. - Shower with your girl friend. Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught. Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise. Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives. Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause

children "Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning "Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk ! "Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours! God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends. When two's company, - three's the result! The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

seminar joke

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training.

Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked!

He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Making a million friends is not an art, but the real art is to make a friend who will stand with u when millions are against u. 0

Way girls are batter than boys 1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses. 3. We never ejaculate prematurely. 4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. 5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic. 6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. 7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 10. Taxis stop for us. 11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?). 14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay. 15. We know the truth about whether size matters. 16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day, we're not the devil. 18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. 19. We can sleep our way to the top. 20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep. 21. It is possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. 22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos. 23. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy. 24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected. 25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. 26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse. 28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. 31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month. 32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. 34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. 35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable. 37. We'll never regret piercing our ears. 38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.

Second Date: You get even more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date: You are shot dead.

No third date.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste. Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. Bonus Commandment ( Story ) A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.

The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,

Honesty and dishonesty become a habit. Some people practice dishonesty and can lie with a straight face. Others lie so much that they don't even know what the truth is anymore. But who are they deceiving ? Themselves -- more than anyone else.

Honesty can be put across gently. Some people take pride in being brutally honest. It seems they are getting a bigger kick out of the brutality than the honesty. Choice of words and tact are important. Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep. Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen. Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste. Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. Bonus Commandment ( Story ) A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Shane comes home and finds his wife Rita crying. She says, "I found out from Mrs. Smith that you're having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I've always been a good wife...I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for twenty years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Shane says, "It's true, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex." Rita says, "If I moaned when we have sex, you'd stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex." They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed. As they start kissing, she says, "Now, Shane? Should I moan now?" He says, "No, not yet." He starts fondling her, and she says, "What about now? Should I moan now?" He says, "No, I'll tell you when." He climbs on top of her and starts banging her. She says, "Is it time for me to moan now,?" He says, "Wait, wait...I'll tell you when." A few minutes later, just seconds before he's going to climax, he says, "Now, Moan. Moan..." She says, "Oye, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."