St Katie Of Closure

St Katie of Closure's Journey into the Wilderness : A Chronicle And on the 16th day of the 11th month, St Katie, newly awarded with 300,000 gold pieces did once again step into the wilderness. Alone she did walk, accompanied only by the camera of truth and the Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy. Alas there did fall upon the land a shortage of cloth and St Katie did walk with ripped and tattered clothes, that which made her famous laid almost bare unto the masses. The Holy Holder of the Script if Prophecy did nod sagely. And it came to pass that St Katie did stumble unto an oasis wherein gifts were bestowed upon the 11 acolytes. But St Katie was sorely vexed. “Oh woe unto me for I do burn upon contact with water. But the acolytes doth starve for there lack of food for 24 hours, hence I shall sacrifice myself unto the needy.” St Katie went unto the water, and did burn, but did save from the swamp keys of half a dozen and one. The Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy did nod sagely. But the trials of St Katie did not end, for it came to pass that a sacrifice must be made for the seven keys. For a time did St Katie ponder, then she spoke unto the masses. “The acolytes may fornicate elsewhere, as in truth they are persons if very little import, I shall take from them what they covet and shall bestow them with my gifts”. And so the dye was cast. The Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy did nod sagely. And lo, did St Katie come unto the 11 acolytes. And acolyte George from the Land Far Away Where Silicone Grows on Trees did comment upon her vision of loveliness. And acolyte Sabrina who Covets to Walk in the Path of Alesha did comment upon her beauty. And even acolyte Justin the Doubtful did comment upon the unexpected joy he received from her presence. And acolyte Stuart the Beautiful but Empty did sit within her presence awaiting the massage of the chosen. The Holy Holder of the Script if Prophecy did nod sagely. “Be it known unto you” spoke St Katie, “that my love for you shall allow me to sleep upon the ground in humble surroundings. But be it known that yonder bed did service me well from half a dozen years hence.” And lo did the acolytes fall onto her in gratitude and St Katie did sleep upon the feathered bed of the righteous. And that night they broke bread and St Katie did regale Acolyte George of the parable of St Katie and Peter the Thrice Damned. And in the morning Judges Antonius and Decmanicus did bring forth the judgement of the masses. “It has been ordained that St

Katie shall face trial anew” was the judgement. St Katie was sorely vexed once more, but inwardly rejoiced as it will allow her to preach unto the masses of the Word of St Katie. And the Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy did nod sagely once more.

Lesson 2 – The First Trial of St Katie And so it came to pass that St Katie did cross the Bridge of the Martyr in order to face the judgement of the masses. “It has been so ordained that thou shalt face exile within the dark caverns for 10 minutes” spoke Judges Antonious and Decmanicus, “what sayeth you unto the Camera of truth.” “Verily I am bricking it,” sayeth St Katie, “for the dark doth make me sorely vexed, and it shall burn me as surely as the water of the swamp of keys. But yonder acolytes doth cry in their hunger, particularly Acolyte Camilla the Stick, whom doth caste tears of pain in her martyrs life. Therefore, as the chosen prophet of the Overgod Meedja I shall face exile unto the cavern.” And St Katie did venture forth into the dark caverns. But the waters of hades did pour upon her head, sorely burning her. “Forsooth but my suffering is too great,” called St Katie unto the judges, “I am the chosen of the Overgod Meedja, please extract me forthwith.” And St Katie was thus pulled from the caverns, beaten and abashed. And the sacred bag was thus examined and found to contain only four sacred relics. And it was thus ordained that St Katie and the Acolytes should dine upon the leg of the beast, in quantities small. Unto her return to the Church of the Campsite St Katie did gather together the Acolytes. “I shall now teach you of the Overgod Meedja my Acolytes” she taught, “Meedja doth bring great reward but also great sorrow. Meedja is all. Totally surrender yourself to Meedja so your life becomes his and his alone. Meedja can be a cruel master, and I doth wear my armour of steel when I commune with Meedja, but my true form is that of a fluffy cloud, I seek only love …. Love of a man who will also surrender totally to Meedja obviously.” Then St Katie did adopt the aspect of the cat circling the mouse. “Tell me”, she asked Acolyte Stuart the Beautiful but Empty, “Art thou skilled in the art of love?” And thus it came to pass that St Katie did desire of companion with Acolyte Stuart, to hold him unto her bosom in act of union. And the following morning Judges Antonious and Decmanicus did once more bring forth the judgement of the masses. “It is so ordained that St Katie will face trail anew on the morrow” was the judgement. And the Acolytes did rejoice. And St Katie did think unto herself, “Oh Lord Meedja, why have the masses forsaken me?”

Lesson 3 – The Passing of Acolyte Camilla the Stick Great sadness befell the Church of the Campsite at the revelation that Acolyte Camilla the Stick had left the wilderness. “Oh woe unto us”, the Acolytes did wail, “for now we number but 10, and we may be summoned by the judges Antonious and Decmanicus to face the judgement of the masses.” “But weep ye not,” admonished St Katie, “for in truth Acolyte Camilla the Stick has gone to a better place. A place of bountiful comfort and food. With room service. On the other side even the Water of Hades has a temperature control, and is available for early morning swims. And I know this to be true for I have beheld it with mine own eyes, and feasted of it’s pleasures six years hence. It was on the other side where I entered into my holy union with Peter the Thrice Damned and held him to my bosom.” “And Meedja shall provide for Acolyte Camilla the Stick. Meedja will bestow upon her the blessings of the exclusive, and an audience in the Holy Church of Gee-Em Teevee. As an Acolyte she will be enshrined in the pages of the Holy Book of Heat. Surrender to Meedja and Meedja will provide.” “In time another will emerge to fill her mantle. He shall be Acolyte Joe of the Way of the Fist. He shall be welcome to gaze upon my bosom with wonderment, and shall bathe within the Holy Waters of the jungle shower. This is my prophecy. Amen.”

Lesson 4 – The Second Trial of St Katie And once more it came to pass that St Katie did cross the Bridge of Martyrs to face the judgement of the masses. There lay before her a bottle, sorely empty. “Be it known that it has been so ordained that thou shalt lay within yonder bottle and share with us the fruits of your knowledge” spoke forth Judges Antonious and Decmanicus. “But woe unto me”, wailed St Katie, “for in truth I am but a simple servant of Meedja with very little knowledge. But the acolytes doth cry for food, so verily I shall enter yonder bottle of knowledge.” And St Katie did enter the Bottle of Knowledge. And great pestilence was let loose upon her bosom. And the corkscrew of fate did decree that six holy relics would be gathered on that day. St Katie did return unto the Church of the Campsite and once more called unto her the Acolytes. “What thinkest thou of my teachings of Meedja?” she did ask. “I am sorely troubled”, spoke forth Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the Beast of Vim, “for is it not true that thou art as the Whore of Babylon to the favours of Meedja?” “You have sorely misunderstood Acolyte Kim, for tis the truth that I do not seek out Meedja, but Meedja doth seek out me.” “I say thee nay St Katie. For I have seen with mine own eyes the aspect of you in the Holy Waters of the jungle shower, your ample bosom thrust upwardly toward the all seeing lenses of Meedja. In truth thou are in full knowledge that thou shall appear in the tabloid pamphlets of Meedja and the Holy Book of Heat.” And it came to pass that as prophesized a stranger did enter unto the Church of the Campsite. “Enter unto here for you art welcome in my bosom” bade St Katie. And Acolyte Joe of the Way of the Fist did regale the gathered Acolytes with tales of the strange beasts that lurketh amongst them, who may rob them of their eyes and strike them lame as they slept. “I beg of thee cease”, wailed Acolyte Lucy who had of old dwelt in the East, “for in truth thou art giving me the proper willies.” And the Acolytes did sleep the restless sleep of the unworthy.

Lesson 5 – The Third Trial of St Katie And on the fourth day St Katie and the Acolytes did once more cross the Bridge of Martyrs to face judgement before the masses. “Sit thee down on the wooden benches of suspense” bade Judges Antonious and Decmanicus, “ and we shall bring forth the judgment of the masses. Be it known to thee that those amongst you who art lame shall not face the judgment at the behest of the physician. And be it known in the presence of the acolytes that the judgement of the masses decrees that St Katie should once again be called forth to face trail.” “A pox upon thee,” cajoled St Katie, “for the masses truly art the spawn of doubtful parentage. May they be cursed with the vile aspect of the outcast Jody of Marsh, from whom even Meedja hath turned away. So be it. The acolytes doth cry for the gifts from above. I shall face trial anew.” And it came to pass that St Katie did face trials six. She did place her head unto the Chamber of the Worm and did emerge triumphant. And thence did pass without incident over the Globe of Serpents., and once more did brave the Waters of Hades where the spawn of the beast did dwell. And thence did they ask of St Katie to drink from the Goblet of the Beetle. “Forsooth but nary the taste be too vile, and the stench be that of the rotting corpse of Goody. I must with shame decline.” she did wail. And so St Katie did move onto the Water of the Slippery Eel, and did wear the Coat of Pestilence. And it was thus decreed that nine sacred relics were gathered to the joy of the acolytes. Acolyte Gino of the Stove did beseech upon the bearer of gifts from above, “Pray bestow upon us the gift of garlic lest the blandness of the food spread melancholy on our hearts.” And the lesson of the Third Trail of St Katie did end.

Lesson 6 - The Idolization of St Katie And on this day did St Katie gather together the Acolytes with dread tidings. “The masses do judge me foully and melancholy hath overtaken me. I feel I should leave the wilderness for the other place, for in truth the Lord Meedja hath already bestowed upon me bountiful gifts aplenty.” And The Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy was sorely vexed. He did call together the acolytes. “Goest thou unto yonder confessional box a speak hosannas of St Katie unto the masses through the Camera of Truth“. And Acolyte Jimmy the Ball did say “When St Katie did call unto her children even the angels of heaven did weep tears of joy.” And Acolyte Colin who wishes to be the most chosen of Katie did wail, “When St Katie does doff her steel armour of Meedja she can lay low the entire army of China armed with only a potato peeler.” And Acolyte Gino of the Stove did protest, “Tis an abomination that St Katie be called to face trial. We would all lay sacrifice of ourselves to face peril in her place.” Word did then come down from the Mighty One that the Church of the Campsite was to be torn asunder. St Katie and The Acolytes were lead unto the Waters of Hades whence they were bade to prove their worthiness by holding back the Beast who Dwells Above armed with only faith in Lord Meedja and a simple staff of wood. But one by one the Acoyltes did fall by the wayside, and the Beast did rain down horror upon their heads. It came to pass that only Acolyte Sabrina who Covets to Walk in the Path of Alesha, and Acolyte Stuart the Beautiful but Empty did remain. And for an eternity did they hold back the beast until Stuart was struck lame, and the beast did bring down it’s horror. “Be it known that those who have been judged worthy in this task shall dwell with St Katie in the Church of the Campsite, where bountiful feast shall be bestowed, whereas those who have been judged unworthy shall face the Barren Rock of the Outcast and dwell amongst the pestilence and vermin”, came the Judgement of Antonious and Decmanicus, “and while were at it, Katie’s doing the next trial too. So be it.”

Lesson 7 - The Fourth Trial of St Katie And a great darkness did fall across the heart of St Katie as the news of the trial was broken. “May they be cursed to damnation”, she did cajole, “for in truth I do not give the fornication of a monkey for the masses. They be simple and unwashed, and some are so foul of face that it doth burn my eyes to gaze upon their countenance. But Meedja hath taught us that we must be beloved unto the masses before bountiful reward is bestowed, and so I shall call upon witness to my children, and don the mantle of the martyr, for is it not written that there be a sucker born every minute?” And St Katie did march with great ire across the Bridge of Martyrs where she once again gave audience to the Judges from the North. “Behold the Rock of Mystery” did speak the judges, “what thinkest you of its sheer cliffs?” “Verily tis a task almost impossible,” wailed St Katie, “for should I slip I will surely die upon the barren soil of despair that does lie at the base of the rock!” “I say thee nay St Katie, for thou art do exaggerate. In truth thou art attached to the strong rope of salvation, and thou art in no more danger than a lion in a field of rabbits. Should thou slip not a chip shall befall your manicure.” At St Katie did ascend the Rock of Mystery and a great feast was secured for the worthy in The Church of the Campsite. And for the unworthy who did dwell on the Barren Rock of the Outcast bread was secured, so they may mop up the remnants of the pan of St Katies feast which will serve as supplement to their vermin stew. And at this news Acolyte Gino of the Stove did give praise unto the Camera of Truth, “St Katie did perform a miracle this day. Praise be unto Meedja” But still the masses were not satiated. For once more did they ordain that St Katie would face trial. “It shall pass that both St Katie and Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the Beast of Vim, shall feast upon the table of Satan. This is the judgement of the masses. Let it be so.”

Lesson 8 – St Katie’s Feast at Satan’s Table And St Katie and Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the Beast of Vim, did sit at Satan’s table with great trepidation, and the Judges did bring forth the feast. And first they did feast upon the Eye of the Beast from the Depths. But St Katie did feel a crisis of resolve. “But woe unto me, for my teeth art the treasure of a nation, they be gifts I have given unto myself from my share of the bounty of Meedja. ‘Tis surely the case that the worthy acolytes would choose starvation rather than a cap amongst them be chipped. I must decline the generosity of Satan.” But Acolyte Kim did eat of the eye, and they both did feast on the pestilence, and the Passage of the Kangaroo. It then came to pass that Satan did bring forth the Seed of the Kangaroo and bade the two eat heartily of it. But St Katie, her belly already swollen form such pleasant repast did, once again refuse Satan’s hospitality. And Acolyte Kim did keep her own counsel, but thought unto herself, “But is it not fact that this be not the first time that seed have been spilt within the mouth of St Katie?” St Katie did return onto the Church of the Campsite and did spread the news of the feast amongst the worthy, but a dread quiet did fall amongst the acolytes. The question did spread like wildfire, “But is it not written that St Katie can lay waste to whole nations in her courage? And yet Acolyte Kim, who dwells amongst the unworthy, did accomplish what St Katie did not. We understand this not.” And upon seeing the doubt of the Acolytes the Holy Holder of the Script of Prophecy did feel great anger. “Blasphemy most foul”, did he rage, “taketh the doubting ones into the Box of Confession so that they do say many Hail Katie’s unto the masses. We must be certain that these fornicators remain on message.” And as night befell the Acolytes did speak great love onto St Nelson Mandela, and his suffering and triumph of two score years. And St Katie did listen, her countenance troubled as an anus recently smote by human hand. “Gadzooks,” she did think unto herself, “why art they talking of so small a figure? Hath he faced the Water of Hades? I think not. Know they not that true greatness dwells amongst them. What know the masses of true courage in the face of adversity? Methinks that, horror heaped upon horror, the masses may make their own decisions without the guiding hand of Meedja, should this continue. Tis surely the first sign of Armageddon

Final Lesson - The Ascension of St Katie to The Other Place And it came to pass that on the day of the end times Judges Antonious and Decmanicus did walk unto the Church of the Campsite to deliver the judgement of the masses. “It it so ordained that St Katie and Acolyte Joe of the Way of the Fist shall face trial on this day. Let it be so”. And a great anger did overcome St Katie like a tempest from the bowels of the demon. “The masses may go and fornicate amongst themselves. For in truth they do get most splendid sport from my martyrdom. I shall do it not. My journey into the wilderness shall end this day and I shall cross unto the Other Place, where I will once again bathe of the Water of Hades, only this time it be perfumed and bubbly. The masses doth hate me greatly for my sins, both real and imagined, so fornicate this for a game of soldiers.” And the Acolytes did gather around her amid great wailing. “Please do not leave us St Katie, for who shall teach us of Meedja now?” “Away from me foul underlings”, St Katie did rage, “for the die is cast!..Aye, maybe tis fitting that the journey should end on the day that Sister Danni of the Minogue did slay the Abomination of Jedward. Tis surely a sign from Meedja.” “For I have seen a vision sent from Meedja. I see a man, he has travelled far, and he cometh to propose unto me Holy Union, and I wish to hold him unto my bosom. And Meedja hath shown me a gathering, were we shall be joined. And I see before me a vision of a dress. It be pink and clustered with the jewels of heaven. And I see makeup thicker then the hide of an elephant, and that be just mine spouse. For my own dress shall be talked about by the masses for eons, as they gaze upon it with unknowing wonderment.” “And Meedja have promised bountiful rewards, for the pamphlets of Meedja will surely wage war unto each other, and that which doth promise me the most gold coins will be chosen. This is my vision of the future”. “So you see masses, you may hath won this one, but like the Terminator I shall be back, bigger and brasher than ever. And there be nothing thou can do about it, tis as inevitable as the setting of the sun.” And with these words St Katie did walk unto the confessional box and the angels did descend to bear her away to The Other Place, where she did dwell in five star luxury. And the Acolytes did witness the Ascension, and when St Katie had indeed gone Justin the Doubtful did walk unto the side of Acolyte Kim the Anti-Katie, the Beast of Vim. “What thinkest you of that?” he did ask. “Oh darling thank f**k that’s over. I can stop talking in this bloody stupid pompous neo-biblical way and maybe we can have a bit of fun”, Kim laughed, “and is it just me or can you hear When the Going Gets Tough the ‘Tough’ Get Going by Billy Ocean. That song has taken on a new meaning today ….. Methinks” Here the Chronicle of St Katie of Closure’s Journey into the Wilderness doth end. The author doth thank you muchly for all you most kind comments.