Sibling Sexual Abuse: The Secret Scourge

45 In the last issue of TeenMatters, FATHER CHRIS received a letter from a young woman who had been a victim of sibling abuse. She said ’I am writing in response to an article about sexual abuse in the Autumn 2005 edition. I was sexually assaulted by my brother who was five years older than me. The effect on my life was very serious. I was drinking and smoking at eleven, promiscuous, raped while drunk at fourteen. I then managed by nineteen to get myself together only to fall into depression and seriously contemplate suicide before getting professional help.’ Father Chris promised that he would discuss sibling abuse, as it is a significant problem in our community.

the secret scourge

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Sibling incest is still something we hope does not happen often — and therefore it has not been taken seriously by professionals. However, a growing body of research points to the dark reality that it is far more common than we think or want to believe. Some professionals have asserted for years that it is as common as, and possibly much more common than, parental abuse. Many parents dismiss it as benign exploration or sex play, a normal part of children’s psychosexual development. But sexual exploration and gameplaying are very different from sexual abuse, and the effects of sibling incest on the victim are severe.

DEFINITION

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the challenge: incest

Sibling incest can include inappropriate fondling, touching or sexual contact: indecent exposure, masturbation, exposure to pornography, oral or anal sex, digital penetration, and actual intercourse between brother and sister or same-sex siblings. Two categories have been highlighted. One type occurs when siblings provide mutual nurturing and protection in abusive and painful family conditions. A second type of incest involves the use of power, threats, and force by the offender. It has been reported that the age range of offenders is from thirteen to nineteen years; whereas the victims’ ages usually

range from five to eleven years. The average duration of abuse is twenty-two months. Sibling incest has been identified by professionals as being very different from non-sibling abuse and abuse by adults. One significant difference is that in sibling incest victims are commonly kept quiet by fear, threats and violence. The victims also indicate that they are made to feel responsible for the abuse. When an adult assaults a young person sexually, the victim is usually enticed, given presents, and made to feel ‘special.’

THE FAMILY CONTEXT In many families in which sibling incest occurs, parents are caring and loving and have no idea of the existence of abuse in their homes. However, by building a profile of the family context in which sibling abuse is likely to happen, we can be more easily forewarned and may be able to intervene in a timely manner. Sibling incest usually occurs in families described as dysfunctional and chaotic, in homes having a volatile emotional atmosphere characterised by extreme physical reactions to ordinary events. The second characteristic is the physical and emotional absence of parents. Parents are not available to supervise their children, for example because of work commitments or substance abuse.

Often the father is totally absent, or else is himself abusive. Detachment and unavailability affect the children on at least two levels. Often the older children have a great deal of responsibility for looking after the younger children and this can lead to incestuous activity; and also traditionally a younger female child has less status than an older male and any complaints she may make are unlikely to be believed. Victims reported that offenders often had a privileged position with a parent — usually the mother. An older son may have been given surrogate authority over younger sister(s) when the father or both parents are absent from the home or when supervision is lax. One study found that 58 percent of sibling incest cases had been disclosed to the family, but that months — and often years — passed before intervention or treatment took place. In many cases the initial response of the parents to the sibling incest was to yell and scream about the problem, to lecture the children on appropriate behaviour, and to tell the siblings to stay away from each other. These reactions did not work and the abuse usually continued. The third type of family environment is determined by the attitude to sexual matters. This can be manifested in three ways: (a) open and frank discussion and behaviour among family members; (b) sexual rigidity, where sexual topics cannot be discussed, and (c) mixed messages about appropriate sexual behaviour in the home. The first type of climate has included exposure to pornography, to nudity, or to sexual acts between parents or toward children. The second characterized families in which sex was seen as dirty and was not discussed. The third type of family climate blurred the boundaries.

EFFECTS OF INCEST ■ Poor self-esteem: sibling abuse is the most shaming form of abuse. ■ Problems in relationships with the opposite sex: women who were physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by their brothers report difficulty in forming relationships with men. ■ Difficulty in interpersonal relationships: survivors report difficulty continued page 46>>

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in forming relationships with anyone — men or women. For example, the inability to control anger is a significant problem. ■ Repeating the victim role: as adults, survivors often enter into relationships in which they are re-victimized. This is the product of low self-esteem. ■ Continued self-blame: the victims often blame themselves for the abuse, frequently because they have been told over and over by the perpetrators or the parents that it is their fault. ■ Anger towards the perpetrator: survivors report that the abuse they experienced as children has particular effects on their adult lives because of the anger they repeatedly experience. ■ Problems in sexual function: survivors reported problems in sexual function resulting from their abuse. Two kinds of dysfunction are reported: avoiding all sexual contact, and being compulsively sexual. ■ Addictions: survivors reported that their abuse had affected their adult lives in the form of addictions such as eating disorders, alcoholism, and drug abuse. ■ Depression: survivors reported experiencing depression as adults, directly associated with the abuse they suffered as children. It is probable that this stems from the sense of powerlessness they felt at the time of the abuse. ■ Post-traumatic stress: survivors often experience severe anxiety at family gatherings, when they are once again in the presence of the abusers.

MOVING FOR WARD ■ Confronting the abusive sibling In our society, we think that confrontation is always a positive thing, that getting things off one’s chest will solve all problems. However, when it comes to sibling abuse, this is not necessarily the correct or only way to go. Survivors must be cautious about whether to confront the perpetrator. Many survivors have reported that when they confronted their abusers they were again victimized in the interaction. Healing can take place without directly confronting the perpetrator, because the healing is about what happens inside the victim, not about how anyone else behaves or reacts. If a victim decides to confront the perpetrator, the meeting must be planned very carefully. Some serious questions need to be asked beforehand, e.g. How will you approach your sibling? Will Spring 2005

Te e n M a t t e r s

CHECK LIST ■ It is never a good idea to leave older children in charge of their younger siblings for long periods. ■ Don’t routinely use older children as baby-sitters. ■ Parents need to listen to their children when they reveal that they have been abused by an older sibling. Take it seriously and investigate it, as the effects of sibling incest are very serious and long lasting. ■ Don’t blame the victim. ■ Get professional help immediately.

you write or telephone? Where should you meet with your sibling? Will you be alone, or have someone to support you? What are you going to say? How might your sibling react? What are the possible outcomes? ■ Ignoring the abuse While we might like to think that ‘time cures all,’ the reality is that this is simply not true in many cases and is not true when it comes to incest abuse. Given all the serious effects that come from this type of abuse, victims need to heal, rather than carrying the weight of this abuse around with them for the rest of their lives. The quality of a person’s life can be significantly enhanced by healing. ■ Seeking healing Australians often seem to believe that seeking professional help is admitting weakness. Even worse, we often believe we are ‘mental’ if we seek professional help. Victims should never let these fallacies creep into their thinking. If you have been the victim of incest, please seek help. You do not have to struggle alone with this type of problem and must understand that you can regain control of your life. Life and relationships can be fulfilling and the pain and anger can be dealt with. Many treatment strategies have proved useful for treating abuse victims. These include building self-esteem; increasing ability to identify feelings and to express anger and other emotions constructively; increasing understanding of family relationships; developing confidence to confront family members about incest; allowing victims to relate their experience at their own pace and in their own way; detoxifying the guilt, shame, and fear by

acknowledging who was responsible for the experience; teaching control of selfdestructive behaviours; and developing a support network with other survivors. Over the past decade, a significant trend has been to engage all the family. Counsellors adopt this model as it takes the focus off the victim and implies that if one member of a family is in trouble, then the whole family is in trouble. Disclosure of sexual abuse is traumatic for the family unit as well as the victim. Sibling incest, like all sibling abuse, is especially difficult for parents because both the victim and the offender are their children, yet one or both parents often feel they have to choose which child to support. Once a professional has been contacted, a treatment plan will be set up. The first step is to put into place a safety protocol: the victim should never be left alone with the offender. Parents must take responsibility for decision-making and compliance with rules. The family needs to realign its structure so that the offender is removed from the position of power over the victim even in everyday routines. Victims can seek help from a psychiatrist. However, this is not the only option — victims can also contact a clinical social worker or licensed psychologist. Look in the Yellow Pages under ‘Counsellors,’ ‘Marriage and Family Counsellors,’ or ‘Community mental health.’ Or contact local Councils to get a listing of available community services. The mental health team attached to local hospitals can also be contacted to ask for a referral. t

READING LIST The Feminist Bookshop, Lilyfield, NSW, Telephone (02) 9810 2666, is a good starting point for information and resources on this topic. ■ Wiehe, V. R., The Brother/Sister Hurt: recognising the effects of sibling abuse, Safer Society Press, Brandon, VT. ■ Phillips-Green, M. J., ‘Sibling Incest,’ in The Family Journal Counselling and Therapy for Couples and Families, Vol. 10, No. 2, April, 2002. ■ Kahn, T., Pathways: guide for parents of youth beginning treatment, Safer Society Press, Brandon, VT.