Shit Jokes

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The worlds' religions according to Shit Taoism

things

Shit Happens If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all generously and is without strife.

Confucianism Confucius say "Shit Happens" Buddhism If Shit Happens, it really is not Shit. Zen Shit only Happens when it does not Happen. Shit is, and is not. What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism This Shit Happened before (and it will Happen again). Islam If If If We

Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah. shit happens, kill the person responsible. shit happens, blame Israel. don't take any shit.

Sunni Islam If it happens to be shit, it's Allah's will and you'd better submit! Shiite happens. Shi'ite Islam WE WILL DESTROY YOUR SHIT! If shit happens, take a hostage. Nation of Islam Don't take no shit! Protestant Let Shit Happen to someone else! If shit happens, praise the lord for it! Catholic If Shit Happens, you deserve it!

You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit. Charismatic Catholic Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. Presbyterian This shit was bound to happen. Episcopalian It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it. If shit happens, hold a procession. It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Methodist It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it. Congregationalist and Unitarian Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another. Lutheran If shit happens, don't talk about it. Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Have faith that shit will happen. Fundamentalism If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again(Amen! Shit must be born again. Conservative Judaism Why does Shit always happen to us? Judaism Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal? Reform Judaism Got any laxatives? Shit happens to whom it may concern. Orthodox Judaism So shit happens, already! Atheism Shit Happens for no apparent reason. No shit. What shit? I can't believe this shit! Agnostic I think Shit Happens.

Maybe shit happens; then again, maybe not. Did someone shit? What is this shit? It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not Baptist

sure whether its shit or not. I believe Shit Happens! (Amen!) You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you.

Southern Baptist Shit will happen. Praise the lord! Shi'ite Baptist Shit will happen, but only the way we say it will happen and if it doesn't happen we will make it happen because that's God's will and we know it... Calvinism Shit happens because you don't work. Seventh Day Adventism No shit shall happen on Saturday. Creationism God made all shit. Televangelism Send more shit. If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay. Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening... Amish

Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless.

Secular Humanism Shit evolves. Christian Science When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray. Shit happening is all in your mind. Quakers Let us not fight over this shit. Unitarianism Come let us reason together about this shit. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. Utopianism This shit does not stink at all.

Darwinism This shit was once food. Survival of the shittiest. Capitalism That's my shit. Communism Let's share this shit. Feminism Men are shit. This shit happened before, and WE won't clean it up! Chauvinism We may be shit, but you can't live without us... Commercialism Let's package this shit. Impressionism From a distance, this shit looks like a garden. Idolism Let's bronze this shit. Existentialism Shit doesn't happen, shit IS. What is shit, anyway? Stocism

This shit doesn't bother me.

Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening! Mormons

If shit happens, the Church gets 10% God sent us this shit. This shit is going to happen again. Hey, there's more shit over here!

Scientology If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p. 157. Feces occurs. Jehovah's Witness Let us in and we will tell you why Shit Happens. May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit? Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening. Knock, knock. Shit happens. No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door.

Open the door and I'll show you what shit is. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read. Hare Krishna ShitHappensShitHappensShitHappens... Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, sheit... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit. Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit. Paganism If you send shit out into the world, it will return to you threefold. Stoics

This shit doesn't bother me.

Moon-ism Only really happy shit happens. Zoroastrianism Shit happens half of the time. Practical Deal with shit one day at a time. Satanism SNEPPAH TIHS. Nihilism No shit. New Age

This shit has an aura. This shit is all ONE shit. Shit came to me in a vision... That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honour it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Were all part of the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit.

Astrology If shit happens, blame Saturn. Shit is written in the stars. Wiccan An it harm none, let shit happen. If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen.

Shit happens in various people George Bush: shit.

Read my lips, no nude shit. But a thousand points of

Saddam Hussein:

This shit happening will be the mother of all shit happenings.

Martin L. King:

I have a shit...

John F. Kennedy: Ich bin ein Scheisser. Vladimir Lenin: is

The fastest and most complete way to destroy a culture to make its shit happen.

Joseph McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, a happening shit? Richard Nixon:

I am not a shit.

Ronald Reagan:

I don't recall if shit happened.

Nancy Reagan:

Just say, `Shit happened.'

Socrates:

I am shit.

Aristotle: happens

Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again

Galileo: happens

They say shit isn't happening. Nevertheless it still

Blaise Pascal:

We are just shit.

R. Descartes:

I shit therefore I am.

A. Einstein:

God does not play shit.

W. Heisenberg: less

The more accurately we observe when shit happened, the

But I know I am shit.

in its original shape.

But we are thinking shit.

accurately we observe how big the shit was that happened. E. Schrodinger: chance

There's a 50% chance that shit happened.

And a 50%

F. Nietzche:

If shit had never happened, man would create shit.

that it didn't.

Ayn Rand: shit

Reason and shit are corollaries. Where reason is used, happens.

Sturgeon:

90% of everything is shit.

Yuri Gagarin:

Shit was blue.

Neil Armstrong:

For me, that was just a little shit. But when that shit happened, it was one giant leap for mankind.

Bart Simpson:

I will not say, `Shit happened' in the class.

Al Bundy: drop

This is shit.

Bill Cosby:

Shit is happening to _The Simpsons_.

This is shit when you get married and

the shit on the ground.

Buckaroo Bonzai: No matter where shit happens, there you are. HAL:

Dave, I'm in deep shit. Dr. Chandra, will I shit?

Dave:

Oh my god!

Obi Wan:

Use your shit, Luke.

Marty Mcfly:

Don't ever never call me shit.

Gremlins:

Don't shit after 12 o'clock.

Jessica Rabbit:

I'm not shit.

Robocop:

Please stay out of deep shit.

It's full of shit!

I'm just drawn that way.

Michael Valentine Smith: Shit groks. 1st Law of Robotics: Robots should not shit or let shit come to happen. Hari Seldon:

Each shit is random.

Yuppie:

It's my shit!

God:

Wholly shit!

But mob shit is predicable.

All mine!

Isn't it beautiful?

Types of Shit THE GHOST SHIT That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.

THE CLEAN SHIT The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwipped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FORHEAD SHIT The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT Self-explanatory. THE LINCON LOG SHIT The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush. THE DRINKER'S SHIT That is the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet. THE GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped, and fart a few times. THE SPINAL TAP SHIT That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT or THE POWER DUMP: That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE QUAD SHIT That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toiletbowl, the whole time, chronically burning your tender anus.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT A class all of its own. THE OTTOMAN SHIT The kind where the odour of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling alleys in the past few years especially.) THE CROWD PLEASER This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing. THE MOOD ENHANCER This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again. THE RITUAL This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper. THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations. THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected. THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT This is any shit created in the presence of another person. THE GROANER A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance. THE FLOATER Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings. THE RANGER A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper. THE PHANTOM SHIT This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there. THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

you.

Now you see it, now you don't.

This shit is playing games with

Requires patience and muscle control. THE BOMBSHELL A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities. THE SNAKE CHARMER A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless. THE OLYMPIC SHIT This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit. THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T shit. PREMEDITATED SHIT Laxative induced.

Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHERENIA Fear of shitting - can be fatal! ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT Also known as a "Still Going" shit. THE POWER DUMP SHIT The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done. THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Shit.) THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning. THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and gasping for air. THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last clingon to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place. The "TURBO-CHARGER" SHIT You're sitting there, minding your business, so to speak, thinking everything is normal, and suddenly there is a totally unexpected, yet full and robust passing of wind, followed by more, perfectly normal shit. This typically results in a completely soaked behind. THE FLOCK OF SEAGULLS SHIT You drank some very yeasty beer the night before, you're driving along the only stretch of freeway with no service station for the next 50kms, you skid to a halt when you get there, drop your pants on your way in to the trap, and there's an immediate explosion, followed by the realisation that there's a new mottled wallpaper on the wall behind the bowl. JACK THE RIPPER SHIT The kinda shit that rips the hair outa you ass when it comes out. THE FRIGHTENED TURTLE SHIT

The kinda shit that pokes its head outa your asshole and then shoots

right back into your ass.