Sex And Dating Boundaries And The Bible_questions

Sex, Dating, Boundaries & The Bible Questions answered in this paper: 1. What does the Bible say about sex before marriage? 2. How far is too far? 3. Living Together? 4. Date non-Christians? 5. What if he/she doesn’t agree with my boundaries? 6. He/she thinks my “Biblical boundaries” is only my opinion. 7. We’re in love, why do we need boundaries? 8. He/she seems interested in church, a little. 9. Doesn’t living together first just make sense? 10. Common reasons couples rationalize living together. 11. We’re already sexually active…what now? 12. We’re engaged, does any of this apply? 13. Specific Guidelines for Biblical dating?

1. Question: "What does the Bible say about sex before marriage / premarital sex?" Answer: Along with all other kinds of sexual immorality, sex before marriage / premarital sex is repeatedly condemned in Scripture (Acts 15:20; Romans 1:29; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes abstinence before marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with someone you are not married to. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations that God approves of (Hebrews 13:4). Sex before marriage has become so common for many reasons. Far too often we focus on the “recreation” aspect of sex without recognizing the “recreation” aspect. Yes, sex is pleasurable. God designed it that way. He wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity (within the confines of marriage). However, the primary purpose of sex is not pleasure, but rather reproduction. God does not outlaw sex before marriage to rob us of pleasure, but to protect us from unwanted pregnancies and children born to parents who do not want them or are not prepared for them. Imagine how much better our world would be if God’s pattern for sex was followed: fewer sexually transmitted diseases, fewer un-wed mothers, fewer unwanted pregnancies, fewer abortions, etc. Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and most importantly honors God. Recommended Resources : Why True Love Waits by Josh McDowell. Men - Every Young Man's Battle : Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation by Stephen Arterburn. Women - Every Young Woman's Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World by Shannon Ethridge.

2. Question: "What is an appropriate level of intimacy before marriage?" Answer: Ephesians 5:3 tells us, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality or of any kind of impurity...because these are improper for God's holy people." Anything that even "hints" of sexual immorality is inappropriate for a Christian. The Bible does not give us a "list" of what qualifies as a "hint" or tell us specifically what are approved physical activities that a couple can do before they are married. However, just because the Bible does not specifically address the issue - that does not mean God approves of "pre-sexual" activity before marriage. In essence, "foreplay" is designed to get you "ready" for sex. Logically, then, "foreplay" should be restricted to married couples. Anything that can be considered "foreplay" should be avoided until marriage. (There is no need to go into specifics here.) Any and all sexual activity should be restricted to married couples. What can a pre-married couple do? A pre-married couple should avoid any activity that tempts them toward sex, that gives the appearance of immorality, or that could be considered "foreplay." I, personally, would strongly advise a coup le to not go beyond holding hands, hugging, and light kissing before marriage. The more a married couple has to share exclusively between themselves, the more special and unique the sexual relationship in a marriage becomes. Recommended Resource: Why True Love Waits by Josh McDowell.

Bottom line: If clothes are off, you’ve gone too far—no questions asked. The grey areas seem to be touching a nd kissing. Here’s how to answer that question: • Is your level of physical intimacy hindering your desire &/or ability to pray or keeping you away from other believers? • Does your level of physical intimacy make you feel guilty? (If yes, really assess why—is this true conviction or condemnation?) • Are you continuing in physical intimacy out of obligation—to make sure you don’t lose the person? (if yes—then big red flag!)

3. Question: "Is it wrong for a couple to "cohabitate" or live together before they are married?" Answer: The answer to this question depends somewhat on what is meant by “living together.” If it means having sexual relations – it is definitely sinful. Premarital sex is repeatedly condemned in Scripture along with all other forms of sexual immorality (Acts 15:20; Romans 1:29; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13,18; 7:2; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes complete abstinence outside of

(and before) marriage. Sex before marriage is just as wrong as adultery and other forms of sexual immorality, because they all involve having sex with someone you are not married to. If "living together" means living in the same house, that is perhaps somewhat of a different issue. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong for a man and a woman to live in the same house – IF there is nothing immoral taking place. However, the problem arises in that there is still the appearance of immorality (1 Thessalonians 5:22; Ephesians 5:3) and it will be a tremendous temptation for immorality. The Bible tells us to flee immorality, not expose ourselves to constant temptations to immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18). Then there is the problem of appearances. A couple that is living together is assumed to be sleeping together – that is just the nature of things. Even though living in the same house is not sinful in and of itself, the appearance of sin is being given. The Bible tells us to avoid the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22; Ephesians 5:3), to flee from immorality, and not to cause anyone to stumble or be offended. As a result, it is not honoring to God for a couple to live together before marriage. Recommended Resource: Why True Love Waits by Josh McDowell.

4. Question: "Is it right for a Christian to date or marry a nonChristian?" Answer: 2 Corinthians 6:14 declares, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” While this passage does not specifically mention marriage, it most definitely has implications for marriage. The passage goes on to say, “What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: "I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people." Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you” (2 Corinthians 6:15-17). The Bible goes on to say, “Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). Having any kind of intimate relationship with an unbeliever can quickly and easily turn into something that is a hindrance to your walk with Christ. We are called to evangelize the lost, not be intimate with them. There is nothing wrong with building quality friendships with unbelievers – but that is as far as it should go. If you were dating an unbeliever, what would honestly be your priority, romancing them or winning their soul for Christ? If you were married to an unbeliever, how would the two of you cultivate a spiritual intimacy in your marriage? How could a quality marriage be built if you disagree on the most crucial issue in the universe - the Lord Jesus Christ? Recommended Resource: The Ten Commandments of Dating by Young & Adams .

5. What if the person you’re dating doesn’t agree about your position on setting physical boundaries? How do you deny your partner of sex without making him or her feel you’re rejecting them? • • • •

If he or she likes you and respects you, they show that by respecting your boundaries. If he or she sulks or pouts, that individual is immature. If he or she badgers you, that individual is abusive. If he or she doesn’t call you again (after saying “no”) the individual was a POOR marital risk.

Remember—if they can’t set physical boundaries now—and demonstrate self control now—why do you think they will suddenly demonstrate self control toward other women or men when you’re married?

6. What if the person you’re dating is a Christian and doesn’t agree with you biblically—like your “biblical position” is simply your opinion? Share Scripture on the subject from books and tapes that we offer through our ministry (“We’re Just Friends & Other Dating Lies” by Pastor Chuck Millian can be purchased by contacting Kathy Meadows at [email protected]). If he or she still doesn’t believe that sexual intimacy is only “good” in the context of a covenant before God, then this person is NOT the kind of individual you want to marry. It is obvious that the two of you have two competing value systems...this one instance of sexual purity is indicative of a value system that is different from your own. Alignment of core values are essential in any healthy, long lasting relationship.

7. Why are physical boundaries so important in a relationship where the two of you are in love? Here’s why couples are typically attracted to one another: • Physical appearance/ Intimacy • Attitude/ Personality • Status Here’s why couples stay together: • Similar Core Values (Morals) • Love & commitment expressed through behavior & attitude that

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demonstrates honor & respect for one another Ability to Resolve Conflict Agreeably Ability to communicate in a way your partner respects and understands

Usually the struggle in a dating relationship is to focus on the first paragraph above. However, in a marriage, the paragraph below, becomes the primary focus. A dating relationship should focus on what really develops the relationship in a healthy way—getting to know one another in multiple settings, in various environments among friends. Setting physical boundaries ensures the focus stays in the right place. Besides all of the reasoning described above...Scripture makes it clear from the perspective of creation & covenant that sexual intimacy is only to be enjoyed between a man & woman who are committed to one another before God for life.

8. What if the person I’m dating is not a Christian, but seems to be interested in church? Couldn’t God use me to bring him or her to Christ? Scripture makes it clear that we are not to be romantically involved with someone who is not a believer. (2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?) “Missionary dating” is unfair to you and your partner. We should never enter any relationship where we set out to “change” or “fix” that person. This is unhealthy and usually ends in failure and disappointment. 9. Isn’t it better to live together until you are sure that you are compatible? Nope! Here’s why: Statistically, you won’t make it: A. Percentage of Americans who have cohabited at one time or another: 50% B. Percentage of cohabiting couples who go on to marry: 50-60% C. Percentage of cohabiting relationships involving children: 40% D. Percentage of unions that survive two years: Cohabiting unions not leading to marriage: 33% Marital unions: 95% E. Percentage of unions that survive ten years: Cohabiting unions not leading to marriage: 12% Marital unions: 90% F. Likelihood of divorce within first ten years of marriage: Those who cohabit prior to marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce

as opposed to those who do not cohabit prior to marriage. Other Reasons Why “Living Together” is a Bad Idea: • You can destroy the relationship by expecting too much from it while it’s still developing. (commitment, maturity, emotional stability) • You can become emotionally lazy—for example, keeping conflict to “to keep the peace” & never confront real issues. • You can avoid furthering your commitment to one another.

10. What are common rationalizations for living together? • • •

We can save money by paying only one rent (which can help us save money to get married) We can spend more time together & less on commuting I can “keep an eye” on my partner—I might lose him or her.

If you have said/thought these in your relationship, you need to consider: If you can “rationalize” your actions based on convenience, what is to prevent either of you from “rationalizing” future moral/ethical decisions?

11. What if I’ve already been sexually involved with someone I’m dating? • • • •

Stop! Pray and ask God for forgiveness and the power to overcome sexual temptation Go to your partner & make it clear that you desire to live in purity before God and each other until you can get married. Find an accountability partner who can pray with you and walk with you in your struggle for purity.

12.We’re engaged, does any of this apply? Absolutely and especially. Crossroads Fellowship strongly encourages couples who are engaged to set an example of sexual purity and boundaries in their relationship. Sexual intercourse, according to the Bible, is the act that “solidifies” the marriage covenant of commitment (wedding ceremony). It ONLY makes sense for this to happen AFTER your wedding vows have been exchanged before God and assembled witnesses.

13.Any suggestions for specific guidelines for Biblical dating? “We’re Just Friends & Other Dating Lies” by Pastor Chuck Milian can be purchased by contacting Kathy Meadows at [email protected]

SUMMARY OF CROSSROAD’S POSITION: • • • • • • •

God has created us male and female for the p urpose of reflecting His image—His creative and loving nature. God has established a covenant relationship as the only context that sexual intimacy between a man & woman can be expressed as He intended, with His blessing. Sexual intercourse is a physical e xpression of the inward covenant two people have made to one another before God—”the two shall become one flesh.” Any sexual activity outside of such a covenant is outside of God’s design and intention and is considered to be sin. Sexual “foreplay” is only leading to sexual intercourse—careful boundaries should be set. God intends for us to remain sexually pure for the purpose of proclaiming who He is to our world. (In marriage, faithful to our spouse—as single, faithful to Jesus Christ—celibate) Temptation is an allure away from God’s purpose and plan for our lives. As we give into to temptation, sin increases its hold on our lives, leaving us in bondage, broken, and shame-ridden. Temptation can be fought through a careful discipline of the mind with the power of the Holy Spirit.