Season 3 Finale Recap

SEASON 3 FINALE RECAP! This is the biggest recap. EVER. This one comes with a helpful Jears-OMeter. :D LET THE JACKASSERY COMMENCE!

OKAY so like the season finale started much like the season premiere WITH JACK CRYING! ;lsadflsad;l The Jears were flowing pretty hardcore. And he was all like beating his steering wheel in v. manly way.

So then we got a good look at him and we were like LOLOL who the hell is that, Jack's cousin Jebediah from Amish Country??

And then he's like walking on the ledge all messed up like that chick Jenny in Forrest Gump and he was like DEAR LORD MAKE ME A BIRD, SO I CAN FLY FAR, FAR, FAR AWAY.

And then he was all like asking for forgiveness. Either that or one of those toothless chicks that lives under the bridge was blowing him, idk.

So Kate's all like HAIII JACK and then she's like HAIII SAWYER JAMES and we're like DAMMIT GIRL, MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!!!1!

FACT: There is no chin behind Sayid's beard. There is only another fist.

So then Bernard's like "I'm a doctor dentist, not a sniper!"

Okay so then Jin is speaking Jinglish and he's just like "You...do not...look fat...in those pants."

And Sun is like I FEEL LIKE DHARMA!SHAMU! but it's okay because she's preggers and hormonal and stuff.

So then everyone started walking off the beach and Jack was like "My people look to me for deliverance, but they are still in bondage!" and everyone is like stfu plz.

And so an Iraqi, a dentist, and a Korean hitman walk into a bar... FACT: Sayid can speak Braille.

Okay so then Charlie is all tied up in the underwater hatch, and these two sea lesbians are like torturing him, but it's not hot like when they tortured Sawyer, it's more just like kind of sad.

And this bitch is like DON'T MAKE ME MAKE IT HURT.

And this other bitch is like *jelus* I wish she would still talk to me like that once in a while guh

Then Benry is all like, writing in his diary and he's like "Dear Diary, The other kids made fun of my glasses today. I killed a bunny. I miss Mom. Love, Benji."

So then the Others went to attack the camp, and Sayid was like BULLSEYE! And Bernard was like BULLSEYE! And Jin was like "...udders?"

Okay so we're going back to the future now and Jack is like *sniff* I just want someone to love me, and that blonde chick from Ed was all like "LOL sry2say, but nothxbye."

And Jack was like ;_; but not too much because he wanted to retain some dignity moisture.

So then all the Losties were like OH SNAP our friends are in trouble! And Jack is like IF WE CAN'T LIVE TOGETHER...and Rose is just like NIGGA PLZ I WILL SLAP YOU UPSIDE YO' CRACKAH HEAD.

And Jack was like LOLZ this is an inappropriate time to laugh! *giggles*

So then the blonde sea lesbian is like "When I think about the things I want to do to you right now..."

And Charlie's just like Hello hello!

And the other one's just like what does he have that I don't? Oh...right.

So like the Others have Bernard and Sayid And Jin and they're all like gonna shoot them and stuff but then Bernard was thinking of a cunning plan and he is just like BRUSH AND FLOSS TWICE AND DAY! WAIT! NO! DAMN! And they weren't saved.

So then Benry is just like muttering to himself and he's like *hiss hiss*

And Richard is just like "Ben, you ignorant slut."

So emo!Sawyer is just like I WISH SOMEONE WOULD JUST LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM AND UNDERSTAND ME.

And Kate is just like I AM IN NO WAY SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR CURRENT EMOTIONAL STATE.

And Sawyer's all ;___; and all the women in the world are like OMG I WILL COMFORT YOU. PHYSICALLY.

So then Crazy Uncle Patchy is out skeet huntin' and he's like HAH HAH HAH I SHOOT SEXY SCOTTISH MAN!

And Desmond is like WTFOOK BROTHA!? And he jumps in the ocean!

And then he pops his head up out of the water and he's like CHALEE! BLOODY HELL! And all the women in the world are like ;lksdjf;lksadjkdls

And Chalee is just like I AM SO ADORABLE IT HURTS.

So then we're like magically whisked away to Princeton-Plainsborough Hospital where Dr. Gregory House Jack Shephard is popping Oxys and generally making an ass out of himself!

And he's like just LOLZ DRUGZ ARE AWESOME. Either that or the toothless chick that lives under the hospital bed is blowing him. idk.

And then Sawyer is all like "I'm goin back" and Kate is just like SHOTGUN.

And Sawyer is like uhhhh srsysay but no, ihu. kthx. bye.

And then Jack is like WOW MY FIRST KISS FROM A REAL GIRL!

So then back in the underwater hatch Crazy Uncle Patchy is like WHO WANTS MUSTACHE RIDE? HEH?

And these two are just like WE ARE GOING TO RAM OUR BIRKS RIGHT UP YOUR COMMIE PINKO ASS."

So meanwhile Benry is starting to be a little on edge and he's just like DISPOSE OF THE HOBBIT.

So then Juliet is like "I write Jack/Sawyer slash under the name ripemangoes on LJ lolz"

And Hurley is just like I'M NOT FAT I'M JUST HUSKY ;_;

So then Locke is just all GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD and then he hears this noise.

And we were all

like

WAAAAAAAAALT!11!1!

And Locke is just like "WOW you have uh...grown! So much! You're 10...right?" And Walt is like *Barry White voice* "Don't hate the playa, hate the game."

So by this point Kate is just like "I H8 men I think I might go and see if Claire wants to experiment."

And then out of nowhere Jack is just like "UH UMMMM UHHH KATE ILU" and we were all like WOW THAT DIDN'T SOUND VERY CONVINCING BUT OKAY. And then we all threw up in our mouths a little.

So then it cuts to Jack and he's all like I'M TUFF I WEAR A JEAN JACKET AND AVIATORS AND SMOKE CIGARETTES!!! and we're all like

LOLLERSKATESand he's just like MMMM I SMELL TEEN SPIRIT

and we're like LOLOLOLOL BEST JACKBACK EVER.

So then he took a minute to squirt out a few. Either that or the toothless chick that lives under his dashboard was blowing him idk.

So then he's all like walking out into oncoming traffic and he's just like ANARCHY IN THE USA and we're all like LOLOLOL nice beardwig, ass!

And then he goes into this funeral place and the guy is like *awkward* and Jack is like HAI I'M A MESS! and the guy's like wanna see the dead guy? And we're all like YES PLZ!!!! and Jack's just like "NO" and we're all like THANKS, SHOW. >:/

Okay so back in the jungle Benry is just like *MOST EVIL STARE EVER* and he's all like I'd like a word with the hero.

And Naomi is just like LOL I had to tie my wig to my head XD

So then Crazy Uncle Patchy is like "We have a game in my country, it called...roulette." And the butch chicks and Charlie were like YAY GAMEZ!

But then Patchy was just like HAH HAH HAH YOU LOSE and he was all red and we were like nice ~*symbolism*~ lolz

But then Desmond jumped out and he was like HARPOON IN THE HEART! And we were all like OMG! And Charlie was like "He's dead, right?" And Desmond was like "Aye, no one can live through being harpooned in tha heart, brothah!" But Patchy was like ::SNORT::

Okay so Benry was all like my name is Wormtongue Benjamin and I'm a good guy I want to talk to Jack and Jack was just like I H8 U.

But then he was like OH OKAY and then he bossed some people around for a second cause he hadn't done it in like 3 minutes.

And then Jack to the Future was just like OOOOOOOOMG and some guy called him a hero and Jack was like SRY2SAY I'M NOT A HERO ;_;

So then Benry is just like *hiss* MY WORDS ARE POISON *hiss* LISTEN TO ME *hiss hiss* THIS IS SRS BSNSS.

And Jack is just like LOLOL and we're like WTF JACK HE'S SRS!!1!ONE!

And then Benry is like *EYES POPPING OUT OF HEAD*

And Jack's like HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! I'M HAVING FUN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS!

But then Benry is like FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY. And he gets on the walkie and he's like *HISS* DISEMBOWEL THEM *HISS*

So then Jack stop laughing and he's just like BZUH!?

AWWWWWNAHHHHH OHHHHH GAWWWWD NOOOOHHH

AND THEN SOMETHING JUST SNAPS IN HIS BRAIN AND HE'S JUST LIKE ;ALKSDJFLKSJADF;LKASDJ;LKJFSDKL

And then Benry said DO IT and there were 3 gunshots fired and Jack went all Sayid on his ass and just kicked the shit out of Benry and Benry is just like *SUXX0RS*

And then Jack had a good cry because he hadn't had one for like 17 minutes!!!

So then the blonde chick was all like GOOD VIBRATIONS and Charlie was like IS THAT THE CODE and she's like OMG NO IT'S WHERE I GET MY FRENCH TICKLERS. And then she was ded.

And then Alex was like UHHH and Danielle was like UHHHH and Ben was like lolz btw this is your mom.

And Alex and Danielle had this touching reunion and we were all like AWWWW ;skdflksd and then Danielle was just like, "Would you be so kind as to help me hogtie your father?"

And then Kate was all like HEY WHA HAPPENED? And Jack was just like ;_______________;

But then it cut to the beach and we were all like OMG YAY THEY'RE NOT DEAD and then we were like um god can't Lost have a finale that doesn't involve bondage?

And so Sawyer and Juliet were watching and Sawyer is just like "Explain this to me one more time, it's called JAWYER?" And Juliet is just like "YOU ARE MY OTP!1!"

But they were interrupted when Hurley was just like HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAY! And we were all like OMFG YAYYYYYY!!!!!! And the pwnage commenced!

And then Sayid was just like I AM TIED UP AND GAGGED BUT LOLZ OKAY I'M JUST GONNA BREAK THIS

GUY'S NECK WITH MY FRAKKING FEET and we were all like

OMFG

AND SAYID

PROVED FOREVER THAT HE COULD EAT PIECES OF SHIT LIKE CHUCK NORRIS AND JACK BAUER FOR BREAKFAST. And then we were like ew he eats shit for breakfast?

FACT: SAYID HAS TWO MODES: PWNAGE AND TORCHA.

And then Tom was just like kthxbye and they were like NUH UH.

And then Sawyer was like *BANG!* and then he was like "NOW YOU AND ME ARE DONE, ZEKE."

And by this point Flash!Jack was just like a TOTAL disaster and he was like GO FIND MY DADDY and then he cried a little because lolz he's Jack and that's what he does.

So Hurley gets on the walkie and he's like DUDES!!!! THAT'S FOR CALLING ME FAT, ASSHOLES!

And Sawyer was just like "Nothin' like a brewsky after you murdered someone in cold blood!"

So then Desmond said AYE like 5 times in a row and all the females around the world were like OCH L;KSDJFDKLS

And then Charlie went in and played some Beach Boys on a keypad and the yellow light stopped flashing and we were all like NOW GTFO OF THERE!!! And Charlie was like *whistling* and we were like CHARLIE GOD DAMMIT GET OUT OF THERE! And Charlie's like "Shiny buttons!" And we're like SLAMMING OURSELVES INTO THE TV AND SCREAMING CHARLIE COME ON!!!!

And then Penny comes up on the screen and she's just like "Why hello fine sir, can you point me to the sexy Scottish fellow that has a tendency to never button his shirt?" And we were all like PEN OMFG! And then she was like "BTW NAOMI DOESN'T WORK FOR ME!"

And then Crazy Uncle Patchy is all NOT!DEAD and he's back in his scuba gear and he's like *bubbles*LOLCANO*bubbles*

And we're like CHARLIE RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Uncle Patchy is like YOU LIKE GO BOOM? NYET? LOL SRY!

So then Charlie goes and SLAMS THE DOOR because he has to save Desmond so he can warn the others! But not THOSE Others, just the others!

And then he somehow miraculously got a sharpie to write on his wet hand and he was like THIS IS MY SWANSONG and we are all like OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then Charlie was like I HAVE REDEEMED MYSELF BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION and we were like NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! ;___________________________;

And then Desmond started humming some bagpipe music and he was all like ;________; and we were all like ;_________; and it was just like the saddest thing ever omg.

And we were like BYE CHARLIE WE LOVE YOU :(((((((((((((((((( ♥

So then back in the jungle Karl and Ben are kind of like hanging around and Karl's like "Sir I love your daughter" and Ben was like "I'm going to slice you from guts to nuts, you little shithead."

And Naomi is just like CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

And then Locke is just like YOU ARE PWNED. And he's like NO ONE'S GOING ANYWHERE MMKAY?

And Benry is like YOU TELL EM JOH...but then Danielle totally clocked him in the face and she was like STFU.

But Locke's just like *squinty face* I AM V. SRS HERE *squinty face*

But then Jack was like YES I CAN HERE YOU NOW! And we were all like OMFG!

AND KATE WAS LIKE OMFG!!!!!!

And Ben was like THIS IS AWESOME!

And then it was like 80 degrees with a 100% chance of JEARSTORMS!!!!

So then Jack is just like drunk dialing all the bitches in his phone and we're all like UH ISN'T THAT PHONE

KIND OF TOO NEW FOR THIS TO BE 2004? But then Jack tells someone to meet him at the aiport and we're all like OMG I WONDER WHO IT IS!

So then he gets there and this car pulls up and we're all just like ;lksdf'aksdlfkasd;lfksd;l and then KATE GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND WE'RE JUST LIKE OMFG LOST YOU ARE THE BEST SHOW EVER MADE.

And Jack was just like "Would you dance if I asked you to dance?"

And Kate is like "uhhh..."

And Jack's like "Would you run and never look back?"

And Kate's like "Are you singing...Enrique Iglesias??"

And Jack's like "Would you cry if you saw me crying?"

And Kate is like "...you're always crying..."

And then Jack's like "Would you save my soul tonight?"

And Kate is just like "....LATERZ" and we were all like LOLOL OH JACK! And Jack was like I CAN BE YOUR HERO BABY!

But by then Kate had already driven back home to Sawyer. The end. ♥

You can find all of my recaps HERE! Feel free to link to this on your own LJ/blog. Hope you enjoyed it :D A few of these jokes were taken from the Ongoing Lost Post we did the other night. They were too good not to reuse.