Script Office Girls: The Legend Of Charney's Gold
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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
1.
Scene One The Hinge. LORNA, RITA, and JAYNE, each on a different level, jabbing at it with shovels and pickaxes. Baby LOTUS sits on one of the levels. She doesn't look happy. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN sits on a chair, his feet propped up on a box. RITA Lorna, what are we doing this for? LORNA Apparently Charney's lost his gold or something--I don't know! Just do it! JAYNE His solid gold. LORNA Whatever. RITA But why are we tearing up the Hinge? LORNA What? Didn't you say that somebody told you to look under here? RITA Jayne, I thought you said that? JAYNE No--I heard it from y'all. LORNA God, fucking Dave White! RITA You can't say that! LORNA I'll tell him to his face--
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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JAYNE Pittsburgh style! LORNA Okay--I do not say that all the time! I don't know why you think that's like some thing I say! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN I was in Pittsburgh. Once. You know it'd be a fine place...if it didn't have all those people...and buildings... JAYNE Hey where's Hank? RITA Lotus left Monkey at the house where we had the picnic, so I made him go get him. He shoulda been back by now. LORNA Hold on-Lorna dials her cell phone. LORNA (cont.) I got his voicemail--of course--Hank get your ass back here right now and help us crack open the Hinge or I will murder you and eat your face. (She hangs up) I swear to God I'm gonna bitch-slap that boy-JAYNE --Pittsburgh style?? LORNA No! Stop it! (She continues to pound away at the Hinge) Sometimes I'm just sick of this place. Like the other day I was on the phone trying to fix the printer--that's forty-eight minutes of my life I'm never getting back. JAYNE I know--sometimes it's like this is the only thing in the whole universe that's going on. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN You know a couple of years ago I heard a rumor that they found out that Clemson actually was the center of the universe-RITA --yeah, right--
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
3.
RESOURCE ARTIST MAN --and that the Hinge is actually the hinge of the entire universe-LORNA --like that could be true-RESOURCE ARTIST MAN --And that Wordbridge is haunted by this villain or something who calls himself The Jackal. JAYNE Yeah, that's rich...rice... RESOURCE ARTIST MAN The Jackal wears a hat, apparently. And people get confused about what he is--is he a ghost, or, I dunno, some kinda devil. Like it's something that trips people up, if he's a ghost or the devil. I say who gives a fuck because none of it's real anyway! But it would make a good story, I think. You have all these elements together--all you'd really need is some kinda quest. You know that's what all good stories have, is a quest. Once you have that, you don't need any of this other fucking stuff, like realistic characters or motivation. It reminds me of this time I was driving into Los Angeles, in like 1979. And I have all this acid in the trunk of my car. I don't know why I had some much acid at the time--there was probably a reason--but I guess I remembered all this really top-shelf acid...but had forgotten to get gas. So the car I'm driving starts, you know, dying on me. And it stops right in front of this Hollywood mansion. So I go up to the front door and I ring the bell and I figure some butler type is gonna open the door and, you know, sniff at me other something. And the door opens--and it's Robert Goulet. RITA Bobby Goo! I miss Bobby Goo! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN And I say to him, Robert Goulet, I say to him, I need gas. And he says to me, he says come inside. And I come inside and there's all these hookers and pimps and movie executives and other scummy types. And they're all doing cocaine. And they've got The Who playing on the stereo. And I say, Robert Goulet are you a Who fan. And he says no. But he's a big fan of--you know, snorting cocaine. I tell him I have a shitload of acid in my car, he tells me to get it and so on and so there I am at two in the morning at a coke-and-hookers party with Robert Goulet. And I drop acid and...here I am. Right now. RITA You don't remember anything else?
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No I don't remember anything else. I remember being in Memphis once and this guy drives up to me in a Volkswagen Thing with a giant American flag stuck on it and he tells me he's from the planet--um...um...starts with a Z-JAYNE Zambodia! Prince Mongo from the planet Zambodia. He's crazy! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Yes that's him! And that's all I remember about that. LORNA Get back to work you two! (Pause) Ugh. (She finally breaks through the Hinge level.) Finally! Boosh! RITA Boosh! Suddenly the Hinge begins to shake! A MYSTERIOUS HATTED FIGURE appears nearby. The Hinge BREAKS APART! Bright, flashing light pours out from the break. The Girls scream! Rita grabs Lotus-but as hard as they try to hang on, they each fall into the void. Silence. Resource Artist Man has not left his seat. The Figure approaches. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN I'm no scientist...but I think those girls just fell though the hinge of the entire universe. FIGURE Yes...Good... RESOURCE ARTIST MAN And I'm gonna go ahead and assume...that...you are the Jackal. FIGURE Indeed. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well okay. End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
5.
Scene Two Representation of the GIRLS falling through the cosmos. They start together in a group, then are pulled apart from each other across the stage… End of Scene.
Scene Three The cabin. MONKEY sits on the couch. HANK enters through the door, but is careful not to close it all the way. He eats an ice cream cone. HANK There's the Monkey. Sorry...I had to get an ice cream cone. Seriously. I was playing Rock Band all night and I was like--it's time for ice cream! (Pause) So...are you gonna talk now, or was that a one-time thing? Or maybe it's just that you don't like me. I'm just kidding--everybody likes me. (pause) Don't they? Well anyway, I bet I have a voicemail or something from Lorna about how late I am or something. God, what is it with her? Am I right? (pause) Alright, fine, Monkey-don't say anything! But I know you can talk! So don't pretend like you can't! Jeez. Lemme listen to this voicemail and then we can go. (He listens.) What they doing that for--oh no. Oh no! The Hinge! They don't know about it! They don't know about--The Jackal! Monkey we gotta get back to campus-The door is blown shut by a mysterious gust of wind that sounds like someone whispering, "Jaaackaaall." HANK (cont.) Oh shit! The door blew shut! I hate the door in this place--it never works right--
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
6.
He runs to the door and furiously pushing it back and forth. He drops his ice cream. HANK (cont.) Damn it--my ice cream! Come on, you stupid door! Why won't you open! Why does everything have to be some stupid challenge! Come on, door! Open! Oh, something bad's gonna happen--they don't know how to defeat him! And so of course the stupid wind just happens to blow this door shut-MONKEY Motherfucker, that was no accident! HANK What? MONKEY Can't you see what's going on here! We been locked up! HANK The Jackal! MONKEY He's trying to keep us here! And he's got some real bad reason to do that. HANK What could he be after? MONKEY I don't know, but he must want it real bad if he's even afraid of you getting in the way-HANK Hey come on! I came here to pick you up--(pause) Wait a minute. You were left here for a reason! But it coulda been any one of us who came over here! MONKEY Somebody's trying to keep y'all apart from each other. HANK That's gotta be it. We gotta find a way to get this door open. First I need some water. You want some water? MONKEY I'm made of felt, motherfucker!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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HANK Yeah, yeah! Boy, I sure hope the girls are alright. End of Scene.
Scene Four Darkness. JAYNE screams and hits the ground. Lights up on a barren wasteland. JAYNE Oh damn. Lorna? Rita? Anybody? This is not good. Oh shit, the printer queue is gonna get all jammed up. The stage managers are gonna freeeeak. Okay--get it together. You can't have gone far. This is...okay where is this? For real dude, where the fuck am I? The sound of a motor in the distance. Jayne looks out, trying to see. JAYNE (cont.) What's that? It's coming toward me. The motor grows louder. JAYNE (cont.) That looks familiar...is it a car? The motor grows louder.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
8.
JAYNE (cont.) It's a car! It's a...what is it? It's a-The motor grows louder. JAYNE (cont.) It's a Volkswagen...Thing! The front end of a Volkswagen Thing pulls on stage. A giant American flag flutters above it. The door opens. Jayne tries to cower behind something, but there is nothing to cower behind. PRINCE MONGO steps out of the car--dark green robe, long silver hair, goggles, and a neon orange femur bone carried like a scepter. He raises the scepter. MONGO Now what y'all doing 'round here? JAYNE It's just the one of me--(gasps) Oh my god! Oh my god! It's Prince Mongo! Oh my God! Oh, it's so cool to meet you! I used to see you around Memphis when I lived there-MONGO Oh well I welcome you to our fine shores. JAYNE But I never thought I'd--there's no ocean here. MONGO That's what I'm saying. JAYNE Oh. Whatever. Listen I really wanna ask you-MONGO Wait now! (He takes a small set of antlers from his robe.) You wanna ask me a question, y'all need to place your fingers on these here energy receptors. JAYNE Um...okay... (She does.)
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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MONGO Now what you got to ask me, angel pie? JAYNE Um...I need to get back to Clemson. MONGO To where? JAYNE To Clemson. MONGO And where is that? JAYNE It's in South Carolina. MONGO You're a long way from there. JAYNE I am? MONGO You are damn hell and gone from anywhere near South Carolina. JAYNE But I figured...I don't know where I am and I saw you and I figured...maybe I was somewhere near Memphis somehow-MONGO I also frequent Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I keep that town safe from the hurricanes, just like I keep Memphis safe from the earthquakes. JAYNE Right, so I just figured that-MONGO Angel pie... JAYNE What is it? MONGO This is the planet Zambodia.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
10.
JAYNE Oh. MONGO We're a real long way from Clemson. JAYNE A real long way. Shit. MONGO But since you're a girl raised in the greatest city in the universe-JAYNE Actually, Forbes just rated Memphis the second most miserable city in the country. MONGO Bah--Forbes. What do they know? We'll see where they are come next year when the world is ended and everybody else is here, living as beings of pure energy. JAYNE Oh--wow. A year, huh? MONGO What I was saying was...since I got a girl here from Earth, maybe you can help me with something. And then maybe I help you get back to your own planet. JAYNE Oh that would be awesome! What is it that I have to do? MONGO Well...we got ourselves a bit of a monster here. JAYNE A monster? MONGO Yes indeed. And a big one too. A monstrous ROAR off-stage. MONGO (cont.) Aww, shit. Here she comes. End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Five Darkness. RITA screams and hits the ground. Lights come up. She holds LOTUS in her arms, who seems nonplussed by anything that has happened thus far. They have landed in an opulent room of black and gold, with thick green shag carpet and overstuffed leather chairs. All around them are Hookers and Pimps and Movie Executives and Other Scummy Types. They are all doing cocaine and having sex. A song by The Who plays in the background. RITA Lotus...where are we? Excuse me...can anybody tell me where I am? (pause) Please? Can you just tell me...like what year it is? Come on everybody! No one takes notice of her. RITA (cont.) One of you fuckers better tell me where I am! I kill zombies for a living! Suddenly the door bursts open and in marches ROBERT GOULET, wearing a silk bathrobe and polyester bell-bottoms. Rita squeals! GOULET Hey, what's with the bad vibes in here? RITA BOOOOBBBYYY GOOOOO!!! She throws her arms around RITA (cont.) I never thought I'd see you again! Oh I'm so glad you're alive! GOULET Easy now, easy now, little lady! Bobby Goo's glad to see you too. He's glad to see everybody tonight, enjoying each other's company and their cocaine! It's a party, see?
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RITA Do you recognize me? GOULET I'm afraid I don't, little lady. But hey--a stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet, right? I'm glad that you're here now. Here--do a line with me. No better way to make friends. He offers her a mirror with lines of cocaine. RITA ...You don't know me? GOULET ...You're not my daughter are you? RITA No... GOULET That's a relief. Bobby Goo likes to get around, you know what I'm saying? The partygoers laugh. RITA Bobby…? GOULET I enjoy having sex with women, is what I'm saying. RITA ...no...I guess you wouldn't know me. It was dumb to think so. GOULET Hey now...turn that frown upside down! This'll help. You know I'm for total racial equality, but this is some white power I can get behind! Goulet does a line of coke. Rita covers Lotus' eyes. RITA Don't pay attention to that, baby Lotus. GOULET Look, there's a baby in the room! This party just got interesting.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RITA No! You sons of bitches stay away from her! I mean it! I gone through a lotta shit to make sure this baby stays safe! And if anybody gets too close to her I got (raises one fist) Bernadette Peters and (raises other fist) Patti LuPone right here-and they're ready to belt some tunes! On the stereo, The Who's "Baba O'Reilly" starts. Rita gasps. RITA (cont.) I love this song! She launches into a surprisingly precise choreography to the song. The partygoers at first stare...then join in as the song goes. By the middle of the song (which is played in its entirety in this scene), everyone is dancing with Rita--even Goulet. Lotus sits on the floor clapping and dancing herself-which involves a sideways motion of one arm and a head bob. The song ends and everyone applauds and is happy. GOULET Now will you do a line with me? RITA ...Alright. I'll do it for you, Bobby Goo. Right as she's about to do the line, the door bursts open again. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN, thirty years younger, enters with a cardboard box. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Okay man, I got this acid here. What are you gonna do with it? RITA WTF?? End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Six The Script Office, boarded up after the zombie attack. LORNA on the phone. LORNA No...there's nothing in our print queue. And plus the printer won't let me even see the screen, it's--okay. Fine. I'll unplug it and plug it back in. Again-She unplugs the printer, plugs it back in. LORNA (cont.) I'm looking at the screen now, I just re-plugged it in--nothing. Yes, I'll hold. (Pause) Mother fucker! Oh--no! I thought I was on hold. I didn't mean you. I was talking to--um--my father. Yes, that old motherfucker. Sure, I'll hold. (pause) Cocksucker--no I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to--my mother. She sure loves to--Why didn't you put me on hold? Okay, now I'm on hold. Good. Piece of shit mother son of a bitch--yes, I was talking to you! She hangs up and throws the phone down. LORNA I'll fix it myself. Where the fuck is everybody?! Another LORNA, hereafter known as LORNA "A," enters. LORNA screams! LORNA "A" Wow, maybe I do curse a lot. LORNA Who are you? What's going on? LORNA "A" Look--calm down! This is weird for me too! LORNA Where did you come from?! Some kind of-LORNA "A" Time portal, I think. Or something. Shit, I don't know. LORNA That's fucking weird.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA "A" Yeah it is. What are you doing here? LORNA The copy machine is-LORNA "A" Oh, okay. Oh wow! I went back to yesterday. I'm from tomorrow then--huh. LORNA What? LORNA "A" No, I was just thinking...I got those forty-eight minutes of my life back! LORNA Are you serious? This shit with the printer is gonna take forty-eight minutes out of my life-LORNA "A" That you'll get back! Because look! Here I am! LORNA ...So...in a day...I'm gonna go back in time? LORNA "A" Yes! Because we're looking for Charney's gold. LORNA I didn't even know Charney had any fucking gold! In this economy-LORNA "A" Listen--I know, it kinda pisses me off too--but somebody tells us to look for it under the Hinge-LORNA Why? LORNA "A" That's what we have to figure out! None of us could remember who it was that said it. We all thought that somebody else told us? But I think it was a trap-because the Hinge is actually the Hinge to the entire Universe! LORNA Holy shit! Wordbridge is a lot more important than I thought!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA "A" I know, right? But this is the thing. Once we figure out today who's behind this whole thing--you still have to crack open the Hinge and go inside! LORNA What? The fuck I'm doing that! LORNA "A" That's the only way it can work! Think about it! Do you really want two of us running around! And I mean--paradoxes and shit, too! Dramaturgically, you really have to do this. Otherwise there's no story! LORNA Well...if it works dramaturgically. LORNA "A" It does. That's all I was thinking about when I was falling through the cosmos. LORNA Really? LORNA "A" I was falling for a long time, dude. It gets scary out there. LORNA I'm gonna have to remember that. LORNA "A" I think you should. LORNA Pittsburgh sty-LORNA "A" No! Stop saying that! Right now! LORNA I hardly ever say it. LORNA "A" You say it fucking constantly! And everybody else is gonna call you out on it--so just stop right now! LORNA Well--if you say so.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA "A" Good. LORNA (under her breath) Pittsburgh style-LORNA "A" What did I say! I will cut you in half and-LORNA and LORNA "A" Staple your ovaries to the call board! LORNA "A" Damn it! LORNA That was a good one, though. PLAYWRIGHT NUMBER THREE enters. His arms are in full-length casts. THREE Hey Lorna...I wrote a song on the piano...I can still play even though my arms were crushed...I'm kind of a piano genius like that-Three sees the two Lornas in the room, faints. LORNA That won't lead to a paradox, will it? LORNA "A" No. You're lucky you won't have to hear that song. LORNA Really? LORNA "A" Talk about minutes of your life you can't get back... End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher Scene Seven HANK and MONKEY in the cabin. They play Connect Four. MONKEY Put my piece right there in that left spot. HANK Okay...And I will put my piece right here... MONKEY Put my piece right next to that one. HANK On this right side, on top this other one? Are you sure? MONKEY Yeah I'm sure! Just do it! HANK Alright...but lets me put my piece right here... MONKEY And now you put my piece right on top of yours. HANK Okay, but...damnit! MONKEY Connect Four! Yes! HANK How do you keep beating me? I don't understand that! MONKEY Pay me my money! HANK I don't have any more twenties. MONKEY Then you owe me. HANK Double or nothing.
18.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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MONKEY Again, man? Shit. HANK I'm getting beat at Connect Four by a stupid monkey. MONKEY But you are getting beat, so lemme ask you--which one of us is the real monkey? HANK Okay--I have to start thinking of a way to get in touch with them. I have to defeat The Jackal. It's all up to me. MONKEY Who's this Jackal you keep talking about? HANK I don't know! I've just seen him lurking, every single year. This dark, hatted presence. And then when I see him and try telling anybody about it, they look at me like I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy! MONKEY You're talking to a stuffed monkey. HANK I'm not crazy! Hmm...what is it that he always does? Whenever I see him...I look at him and he goes away...wait! Maybe that's it! Maybe I have to stare back at him--whenever I do that he disappears! Maybe if we all stare at him at once, we can defeat him! MONKEY That's just crazy enough to work, crazy man! But how are we gonna get outta here? HANK I don't know! He pulls on the door again, frustrated. HANK Stupid stupid stupid stupid door! MONKEY Take a running start at it!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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HANK What? MONKEY You heard me, biggie! HANK Hey that's not nice at all-MONKEY I'm trying to get you motivated! I'm fucking directing you! HANK Oh! Oh, I get it. Say it again. MONKEY Take a running start at it! HANK What? MONKEY You heard me biggie! Hank shouts and takes a running start at the door. It pops open and he falls down. HANK Ow, my back! MONKEY That's what I'm talking about, biggie! HANK Stop calling me that. MONKEY Okay, sorry. Whatever. Let's get the hell outta here! Hank grabs Monkey and they exit.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Eight LORNA asleep on the Script Office floor. It is morning. THREE is still passed out by the piano. Lorna jolts awake. LORNA Shit! It's morning! She runs to the door, opens it. She hears LORNA "A" and the other Script Office Girls pounding on the hinge, as in Act One. LORNA "A" (offstage) Fucking Dave White! LORNA I still have time! Yes. Hey you--(she kicks Three in the side) Get off my floor. THREE ...What? I--saw there--there was two of you... LORNA Yeah, you wish. THREE Do you wanna have a PBR with me? LORNA It's ten o'clock in the morning! THREE ...okay. So do you? LORNA Useless! Look, I have to go save my girls from getting sucked down into the goddamn center of the goddamn universe! Is that something you wanna help out on? THREE ...no...
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA I didn't fucking think so! Get outta my way! She grabs her paper cutter machete and sneaks out of the room. End of Scene.
Scene Nine The planet Zambodia. JAYNE bobs and weaves as an unseen MONSTER tries to hit her. PRINCE MONGO watches from a distance. JAYNE This is scary as shit! I'm gonna piss my pants! MONGO You got her on the ropes, I believe! JAYNE Which one of us are you talking to?! MONGO Talking to you, angel pie! Keep a'going! JAYNE But I'm not doing anything! MONGO Well whatever it is you're not doing, keep on not doing it! JAYNE Shut up! Shut the hell up or I will fucking cut you--Pittsburgh style!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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MONGO What does that mean? What's Pittsburgh got to do with anything? JAYNE I don't know! It's not my catchphrase! Look, monster. I don't wanna fight you, so how about we just-The Monster roars! MONGO Whoo boy! JAYNE Old man, I swear to God! Gimme something to fight with! MONGO I don't think you could do much with what I got-JAYNE Try me! You wouldn't be saying that if you saw how many fucking zombies I killed with a rubber mallet! Here, gimme these! She grabs the energy receptor antlers. MONGO No! Not my energy receptors! JAYNE I'll take what I can get and find a use for it! That's what a good stage manager does! That's what a good theatre artist does! That's what a good Script Office Girl does! MONGO A what? JAYNE A motherfucking Script Office Girl!! She throws the antlers at the Monster. We hear the Monster roar! Then gasp and choke! Then fall to the ground with a terrible thud! MONGO Holy hell! I never thought to use my energy receptors as some sort of...pointed weapon...or something.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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JAYNE Yes! Monsters can suck my vag! MONGO Suck your what? You want that monster to do what to you? JAYNE I don't know! That's not my catchphrase either. Do I even have a catchphrase? MONGO Well, I got to thank you right here for destroying our monster. The planet Zambodia is greatful to you and I'd hereby cordially invite you to live amongst us as a being of pure energy-JAYNE Can it, 'cause I need to get to Earth! MONGO You mean Earth the planet or Earth the coffee and ice cream place down the road from Zambodia university? JAYNE The planet! MONGO Good, 'cause I'd have to tell you that that place closes down after 7pm around these parts. Hop on in the Thing here, and let's get going! JAYNE Earth! Clemson University! 2009! MONGO Yee-haw! JAYNE Whoooo! (pause) Hey, maybe that can be my catchphrase! MONGO What? You just going whooo? That's your catchphrase? JAYNE No, you're right. Damnit! They drive off. End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Ten ROBERT GOULET'S coke-and-hookers party, 1979. RITA has LOTUS in her arms as young RESOURCE ARTIST MAN unloads a cardboard box filled with acid. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN This shit is the really good shit. Don't ask me where I got it because I don't know. Some guy in a hat. He had a name like...the Hyena...or... RITA The Jackal? RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No that wasn't it. It was something like the Marmot... RITA Jackal? RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No...he had a hat, I remember that...and I think he wielded some sort of power over space and time-RITA The Jackal, you stoned son of a bitch! The Jackal! GOULET Let those bad vibes go, little lady. Here have some coke-RITA Holy ballsac! If you offer my coke one more time I'm gonna-RESOURCE ARTIST MAN You know what, I think it was the Jackal! Maybe. Yeah, he gave this to me, just in case I ran into a tiny little woman with a baby at an orgy thrown by Robert Goulet in the year 1979 RITA That's exactly where you are! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Far out. Okay then--take one of these. RITA Are you crazy? I'm not dropping acid!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No, you don't understand. This is the really good shit. RITA I don't care about your shit! I need to find my way to thirty years in the future! I need to help save my friends! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Then this is definitely the way to do it! You just take one of these tablets and you'll see the future and the past and every fucking thing you can imagine. RITA I don't wanna just see it! I need to go to the future! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well it does that too. 'Cause we're always moving into the future, man! RITA Just gimme the acid! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Really? You bought all that? Far out. RITA If I'm going to the future...and I'm taking Lotus with me...does that mean that she...? RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well I have absolutely no idea, but I would immediately say yes, without any reservation. Yes, give this baby some acid. RITA Well...okay... Rita puts an acid tablet on her tongue. She sticks another one in Lotus's mouth. Suddenly the lights turn YELLOW and ORANGE and other MISCELLANREOUS PSYCHEDELIC SHIT. The lights go OUT...and then come back up to reveal the Brooks Center in Clemson, 2009.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher RITA What just happened...? LOTUS Hell, I don't know. Rita looks over at LOTUS, who is now a fully-aged thirty-year-old woman. RITA WTF?? Lorna's gonna kill me!! LOTUS What the fuck?! I used to be a baby! RITA Ohmigod, thirty years have passed! We're both thirty years older! I'm fifty-five years old! I must look so old! LOTUS Actually...you look pretty much the same, honey. RITA I do? LOTUS I'm telling you...you got a youthful look... RITA Awww, thanks Lotus! (They hug.) LOTUS Uh huh. Yeah okay. A RUMBLE in the distance. RITA What's that?! LOTUS I don't know, but we're about to find out! They run off stage. End of Scene.
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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Eleven The Hinge. The very end of Scene One. We see the Hinge open and all the girls falling into it once more!! THE JACKAL emerges and moves toward RESOURCE ARTIST MAN. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN I'm no scientist...but I think those girls just fell though the hinge of the entire universe. JACKAL Yes...Good... RESOURCE ARTIST MAN And I'm gonna go ahead and assume...that...you are the Jackal. JACKAL Indeed. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well okay. What did you do all this for? The Jackal says nothing. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN (cont.) I assume this is some sort of nefarious scheme or power grab. Otherwise...you know...what would be the point. The Jackal says nothing. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN (cont.) I guess I should stop talking to you and let you do...whatever it is you're here for. This reminds me of a story about baseball-LORNA appears, machete drawn! LORNA Hold where you fucking are, Jackal! The Jackal STARES AT HER. A harsh red light fills the stage as Lorna retreats from his terrifying gaze.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA (cont.) Goddamn it, this isn't what I need right now! RITA and LOTUS enter! RITA Don't worry--we've got what you need! LOTUS Let's show this motherfucker-LORNA Lotus--is that you? RITA We're both thirty years older, can't you tell? LORNA Her, yeah. You? Not so much. RITA Oh. The Jackal STARES AT THEM. They fight to defend themselves against it. A Volkswagen Thing CRASHES THROUGH THE WALL. JAYNE flies out! JAYNE Thanks for the ride, Prince! The car honks, then backs out. JAYNE (cont.) Ah! That stare! It's like it's punching my soul in the balls! LORNA Your soul has balls? JAYNE I don't know! I don't have anything I say at time like these! RITA How are we gonna beat this?
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LOTUS His power's coming from his stare! Maybe if we stare back at him--altogether--we can beat him at his own game! LORNA Lotus! That's really smart! JAYNE Lotus???! LORNA Everybody stare all at once--now!! The four girls stare at The Jackal. Suddenly a GREEN LIGHT emits from the Script Office Girls. The Red and Green lights fight each other for control of the stage. LOTUS I don't know if we're strong enough to hold this! JAYNE We need more power! LORNA Where in the goddamn shit-shitting motherfucking hell is that cocksucking Hank?! At that, HANK and MONKEY arrive from offstage, panting and out of breath. HANK Sorry...sorry...had to run...from the cabin...I figured it out! We can defeat the Jackal if we all stare at him together and beat the force of his stare-LORNA Lotus already figured that out! RITA Get on the ball, Hank! HANK What? Crap! LORNA Get in on this right now!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Hank and Monkey join the Girls. At this addition, the Green light is strong enough to VANQUISH the Red light!! The Jackal falls to the ground, defeated. The Girls cheer! Lorna sticks a cigar in her mouth, advances toward the Jackal. LORNA Now...let's see who you really are. She removes his hat. It's MIKE VANDERCOOK. SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS and HANK Mike Vandercook?! MIKE What. LORNA What? You broke open the center of the fucking universe and scattered us all around space and time! JAYNE I am really pissed off at you right now! MIKE I knew you'd get back here. RITA Why did you do it in the first place? MIKE I don't know. Just fucking with you. Mike exits. LORNA What?! Really?! That's it? We're thirty fucking pages into this thing, and that's it?! JAYNE I fought a monster!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LOTUS I used to be a baby! RITA I'm a fifty-two-year-old acid freak! HANK I lost three-hundred bucks to a stuffed monkey! MONKEY I was stuck in a room with this guy the whole time! I mean, shit! LORNA And we didn't even find any fucking gold! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN You were looking for gold? RITA Charney lost his gold. JAYNE Solid gold. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Sold gold? Well I wish you woulda told me that in the first place. I've been using it as a footrest through all of this shit. He moves his feet and the girls open the box. It is filled with old videotapes. RITA Videotapes? LOTUS What's a videotape? Remember, I was a baby about two minutes ago. MONKEY Lotus? Goddamn, girl! JAYNE Okay, what the-RESOURCE ARTIST MAN It's Solid Gold. The old TV show. Charney let me borrow some tapes last year and I'm just now returning them.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
33.
CHARNEY enters. CHARNEY Hey everybody! Oh good, you found my tapes! Well, seeya! Charney picks up the box of tapes and exits. LORNA That's it, I quit! RITA What? You can't quit? LORNA Yes I can. I'm sick of all this shit. Consider me retired...(very long pause) ...Pittsburgh Style. HANK See? You say it all the time! Oh--is it not a good time to bring that up? Lorna throws down her machete and exits. The Girls look back and forth at each other. JAYNE Now what are we supposed to do? RITA Make some script copies? JAYNE ...I guess so... Suddenly, DAVE WHITE enters in a panic. He holds his cell phone. DAVE WHITE Girls! We need your help! HANK What's the matter? DAVE WHITE I just got this voicemail from our translator, Russian Maria. Listen-Dave White presses a button. We hear the accented voice of RUSSIAN MARIA.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RUSSIAN MARIA (on phone) Hello Dave. I have been...how do you say it...kidnapped by the cosmonauts? Is this correct? And I am now...how do you say it...trapped in the icy prison of deep space? Is this correct? Anyway...I just wanted to let you know... JAYNE Oh shit! HANK What do we do? DAVE WHITE We really have to go save her! RITA But how? How do we get into space? DAVE WHITE Oh don't worry! PJ and I have that taken care of-JAYNE But Lorna's not here! What are we gonna do without her? HANK Yeah, who's gonna lead us? LOTUS I'll do it. DAVE WHITE Really? Because that would be great! LOTUS Yeah, fuck it. We're about to go into space! Baltimore style! THE END!!!!!!!! The Script Office Girls will Return in... SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE Coming Soon!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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1.
Scene One The Hinge. LORNA, RITA, and JAYNE, each on a different level, jabbing at it with shovels and pickaxes. Baby LOTUS sits on one of the levels. She doesn't look happy. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN sits on a chair, his feet propped up on a box. RITA Lorna, what are we doing this for? LORNA Apparently Charney's lost his gold or something--I don't know! Just do it! JAYNE His solid gold. LORNA Whatever. RITA But why are we tearing up the Hinge? LORNA What? Didn't you say that somebody told you to look under here? RITA Jayne, I thought you said that? JAYNE No--I heard it from y'all. LORNA God, fucking Dave White! RITA You can't say that! LORNA I'll tell him to his face--
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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JAYNE Pittsburgh style! LORNA Okay--I do not say that all the time! I don't know why you think that's like some thing I say! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN I was in Pittsburgh. Once. You know it'd be a fine place...if it didn't have all those people...and buildings... JAYNE Hey where's Hank? RITA Lotus left Monkey at the house where we had the picnic, so I made him go get him. He shoulda been back by now. LORNA Hold on-Lorna dials her cell phone. LORNA (cont.) I got his voicemail--of course--Hank get your ass back here right now and help us crack open the Hinge or I will murder you and eat your face. (She hangs up) I swear to God I'm gonna bitch-slap that boy-JAYNE --Pittsburgh style?? LORNA No! Stop it! (She continues to pound away at the Hinge) Sometimes I'm just sick of this place. Like the other day I was on the phone trying to fix the printer--that's forty-eight minutes of my life I'm never getting back. JAYNE I know--sometimes it's like this is the only thing in the whole universe that's going on. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN You know a couple of years ago I heard a rumor that they found out that Clemson actually was the center of the universe-RITA --yeah, right--
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RESOURCE ARTIST MAN --and that the Hinge is actually the hinge of the entire universe-LORNA --like that could be true-RESOURCE ARTIST MAN --And that Wordbridge is haunted by this villain or something who calls himself The Jackal. JAYNE Yeah, that's rich...rice... RESOURCE ARTIST MAN The Jackal wears a hat, apparently. And people get confused about what he is--is he a ghost, or, I dunno, some kinda devil. Like it's something that trips people up, if he's a ghost or the devil. I say who gives a fuck because none of it's real anyway! But it would make a good story, I think. You have all these elements together--all you'd really need is some kinda quest. You know that's what all good stories have, is a quest. Once you have that, you don't need any of this other fucking stuff, like realistic characters or motivation. It reminds me of this time I was driving into Los Angeles, in like 1979. And I have all this acid in the trunk of my car. I don't know why I had some much acid at the time--there was probably a reason--but I guess I remembered all this really top-shelf acid...but had forgotten to get gas. So the car I'm driving starts, you know, dying on me. And it stops right in front of this Hollywood mansion. So I go up to the front door and I ring the bell and I figure some butler type is gonna open the door and, you know, sniff at me other something. And the door opens--and it's Robert Goulet. RITA Bobby Goo! I miss Bobby Goo! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN And I say to him, Robert Goulet, I say to him, I need gas. And he says to me, he says come inside. And I come inside and there's all these hookers and pimps and movie executives and other scummy types. And they're all doing cocaine. And they've got The Who playing on the stereo. And I say, Robert Goulet are you a Who fan. And he says no. But he's a big fan of--you know, snorting cocaine. I tell him I have a shitload of acid in my car, he tells me to get it and so on and so there I am at two in the morning at a coke-and-hookers party with Robert Goulet. And I drop acid and...here I am. Right now. RITA You don't remember anything else?
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No I don't remember anything else. I remember being in Memphis once and this guy drives up to me in a Volkswagen Thing with a giant American flag stuck on it and he tells me he's from the planet--um...um...starts with a Z-JAYNE Zambodia! Prince Mongo from the planet Zambodia. He's crazy! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Yes that's him! And that's all I remember about that. LORNA Get back to work you two! (Pause) Ugh. (She finally breaks through the Hinge level.) Finally! Boosh! RITA Boosh! Suddenly the Hinge begins to shake! A MYSTERIOUS HATTED FIGURE appears nearby. The Hinge BREAKS APART! Bright, flashing light pours out from the break. The Girls scream! Rita grabs Lotus-but as hard as they try to hang on, they each fall into the void. Silence. Resource Artist Man has not left his seat. The Figure approaches. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN I'm no scientist...but I think those girls just fell though the hinge of the entire universe. FIGURE Yes...Good... RESOURCE ARTIST MAN And I'm gonna go ahead and assume...that...you are the Jackal. FIGURE Indeed. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well okay. End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Two Representation of the GIRLS falling through the cosmos. They start together in a group, then are pulled apart from each other across the stage… End of Scene.
Scene Three The cabin. MONKEY sits on the couch. HANK enters through the door, but is careful not to close it all the way. He eats an ice cream cone. HANK There's the Monkey. Sorry...I had to get an ice cream cone. Seriously. I was playing Rock Band all night and I was like--it's time for ice cream! (Pause) So...are you gonna talk now, or was that a one-time thing? Or maybe it's just that you don't like me. I'm just kidding--everybody likes me. (pause) Don't they? Well anyway, I bet I have a voicemail or something from Lorna about how late I am or something. God, what is it with her? Am I right? (pause) Alright, fine, Monkey-don't say anything! But I know you can talk! So don't pretend like you can't! Jeez. Lemme listen to this voicemail and then we can go. (He listens.) What they doing that for--oh no. Oh no! The Hinge! They don't know about it! They don't know about--The Jackal! Monkey we gotta get back to campus-The door is blown shut by a mysterious gust of wind that sounds like someone whispering, "Jaaackaaall." HANK (cont.) Oh shit! The door blew shut! I hate the door in this place--it never works right--
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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He runs to the door and furiously pushing it back and forth. He drops his ice cream. HANK (cont.) Damn it--my ice cream! Come on, you stupid door! Why won't you open! Why does everything have to be some stupid challenge! Come on, door! Open! Oh, something bad's gonna happen--they don't know how to defeat him! And so of course the stupid wind just happens to blow this door shut-MONKEY Motherfucker, that was no accident! HANK What? MONKEY Can't you see what's going on here! We been locked up! HANK The Jackal! MONKEY He's trying to keep us here! And he's got some real bad reason to do that. HANK What could he be after? MONKEY I don't know, but he must want it real bad if he's even afraid of you getting in the way-HANK Hey come on! I came here to pick you up--(pause) Wait a minute. You were left here for a reason! But it coulda been any one of us who came over here! MONKEY Somebody's trying to keep y'all apart from each other. HANK That's gotta be it. We gotta find a way to get this door open. First I need some water. You want some water? MONKEY I'm made of felt, motherfucker!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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HANK Yeah, yeah! Boy, I sure hope the girls are alright. End of Scene.
Scene Four Darkness. JAYNE screams and hits the ground. Lights up on a barren wasteland. JAYNE Oh damn. Lorna? Rita? Anybody? This is not good. Oh shit, the printer queue is gonna get all jammed up. The stage managers are gonna freeeeak. Okay--get it together. You can't have gone far. This is...okay where is this? For real dude, where the fuck am I? The sound of a motor in the distance. Jayne looks out, trying to see. JAYNE (cont.) What's that? It's coming toward me. The motor grows louder. JAYNE (cont.) That looks familiar...is it a car? The motor grows louder.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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JAYNE (cont.) It's a car! It's a...what is it? It's a-The motor grows louder. JAYNE (cont.) It's a Volkswagen...Thing! The front end of a Volkswagen Thing pulls on stage. A giant American flag flutters above it. The door opens. Jayne tries to cower behind something, but there is nothing to cower behind. PRINCE MONGO steps out of the car--dark green robe, long silver hair, goggles, and a neon orange femur bone carried like a scepter. He raises the scepter. MONGO Now what y'all doing 'round here? JAYNE It's just the one of me--(gasps) Oh my god! Oh my god! It's Prince Mongo! Oh my God! Oh, it's so cool to meet you! I used to see you around Memphis when I lived there-MONGO Oh well I welcome you to our fine shores. JAYNE But I never thought I'd--there's no ocean here. MONGO That's what I'm saying. JAYNE Oh. Whatever. Listen I really wanna ask you-MONGO Wait now! (He takes a small set of antlers from his robe.) You wanna ask me a question, y'all need to place your fingers on these here energy receptors. JAYNE Um...okay... (She does.)
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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MONGO Now what you got to ask me, angel pie? JAYNE Um...I need to get back to Clemson. MONGO To where? JAYNE To Clemson. MONGO And where is that? JAYNE It's in South Carolina. MONGO You're a long way from there. JAYNE I am? MONGO You are damn hell and gone from anywhere near South Carolina. JAYNE But I figured...I don't know where I am and I saw you and I figured...maybe I was somewhere near Memphis somehow-MONGO I also frequent Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I keep that town safe from the hurricanes, just like I keep Memphis safe from the earthquakes. JAYNE Right, so I just figured that-MONGO Angel pie... JAYNE What is it? MONGO This is the planet Zambodia.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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JAYNE Oh. MONGO We're a real long way from Clemson. JAYNE A real long way. Shit. MONGO But since you're a girl raised in the greatest city in the universe-JAYNE Actually, Forbes just rated Memphis the second most miserable city in the country. MONGO Bah--Forbes. What do they know? We'll see where they are come next year when the world is ended and everybody else is here, living as beings of pure energy. JAYNE Oh--wow. A year, huh? MONGO What I was saying was...since I got a girl here from Earth, maybe you can help me with something. And then maybe I help you get back to your own planet. JAYNE Oh that would be awesome! What is it that I have to do? MONGO Well...we got ourselves a bit of a monster here. JAYNE A monster? MONGO Yes indeed. And a big one too. A monstrous ROAR off-stage. MONGO (cont.) Aww, shit. Here she comes. End of Scene.
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Scene Five Darkness. RITA screams and hits the ground. Lights come up. She holds LOTUS in her arms, who seems nonplussed by anything that has happened thus far. They have landed in an opulent room of black and gold, with thick green shag carpet and overstuffed leather chairs. All around them are Hookers and Pimps and Movie Executives and Other Scummy Types. They are all doing cocaine and having sex. A song by The Who plays in the background. RITA Lotus...where are we? Excuse me...can anybody tell me where I am? (pause) Please? Can you just tell me...like what year it is? Come on everybody! No one takes notice of her. RITA (cont.) One of you fuckers better tell me where I am! I kill zombies for a living! Suddenly the door bursts open and in marches ROBERT GOULET, wearing a silk bathrobe and polyester bell-bottoms. Rita squeals! GOULET Hey, what's with the bad vibes in here? RITA BOOOOBBBYYY GOOOOO!!! She throws her arms around RITA (cont.) I never thought I'd see you again! Oh I'm so glad you're alive! GOULET Easy now, easy now, little lady! Bobby Goo's glad to see you too. He's glad to see everybody tonight, enjoying each other's company and their cocaine! It's a party, see?
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RITA Do you recognize me? GOULET I'm afraid I don't, little lady. But hey--a stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet, right? I'm glad that you're here now. Here--do a line with me. No better way to make friends. He offers her a mirror with lines of cocaine. RITA ...You don't know me? GOULET ...You're not my daughter are you? RITA No... GOULET That's a relief. Bobby Goo likes to get around, you know what I'm saying? The partygoers laugh. RITA Bobby…? GOULET I enjoy having sex with women, is what I'm saying. RITA ...no...I guess you wouldn't know me. It was dumb to think so. GOULET Hey now...turn that frown upside down! This'll help. You know I'm for total racial equality, but this is some white power I can get behind! Goulet does a line of coke. Rita covers Lotus' eyes. RITA Don't pay attention to that, baby Lotus. GOULET Look, there's a baby in the room! This party just got interesting.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RITA No! You sons of bitches stay away from her! I mean it! I gone through a lotta shit to make sure this baby stays safe! And if anybody gets too close to her I got (raises one fist) Bernadette Peters and (raises other fist) Patti LuPone right here-and they're ready to belt some tunes! On the stereo, The Who's "Baba O'Reilly" starts. Rita gasps. RITA (cont.) I love this song! She launches into a surprisingly precise choreography to the song. The partygoers at first stare...then join in as the song goes. By the middle of the song (which is played in its entirety in this scene), everyone is dancing with Rita--even Goulet. Lotus sits on the floor clapping and dancing herself-which involves a sideways motion of one arm and a head bob. The song ends and everyone applauds and is happy. GOULET Now will you do a line with me? RITA ...Alright. I'll do it for you, Bobby Goo. Right as she's about to do the line, the door bursts open again. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN, thirty years younger, enters with a cardboard box. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Okay man, I got this acid here. What are you gonna do with it? RITA WTF?? End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Six The Script Office, boarded up after the zombie attack. LORNA on the phone. LORNA No...there's nothing in our print queue. And plus the printer won't let me even see the screen, it's--okay. Fine. I'll unplug it and plug it back in. Again-She unplugs the printer, plugs it back in. LORNA (cont.) I'm looking at the screen now, I just re-plugged it in--nothing. Yes, I'll hold. (Pause) Mother fucker! Oh--no! I thought I was on hold. I didn't mean you. I was talking to--um--my father. Yes, that old motherfucker. Sure, I'll hold. (pause) Cocksucker--no I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to--my mother. She sure loves to--Why didn't you put me on hold? Okay, now I'm on hold. Good. Piece of shit mother son of a bitch--yes, I was talking to you! She hangs up and throws the phone down. LORNA I'll fix it myself. Where the fuck is everybody?! Another LORNA, hereafter known as LORNA "A," enters. LORNA screams! LORNA "A" Wow, maybe I do curse a lot. LORNA Who are you? What's going on? LORNA "A" Look--calm down! This is weird for me too! LORNA Where did you come from?! Some kind of-LORNA "A" Time portal, I think. Or something. Shit, I don't know. LORNA That's fucking weird.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA "A" Yeah it is. What are you doing here? LORNA The copy machine is-LORNA "A" Oh, okay. Oh wow! I went back to yesterday. I'm from tomorrow then--huh. LORNA What? LORNA "A" No, I was just thinking...I got those forty-eight minutes of my life back! LORNA Are you serious? This shit with the printer is gonna take forty-eight minutes out of my life-LORNA "A" That you'll get back! Because look! Here I am! LORNA ...So...in a day...I'm gonna go back in time? LORNA "A" Yes! Because we're looking for Charney's gold. LORNA I didn't even know Charney had any fucking gold! In this economy-LORNA "A" Listen--I know, it kinda pisses me off too--but somebody tells us to look for it under the Hinge-LORNA Why? LORNA "A" That's what we have to figure out! None of us could remember who it was that said it. We all thought that somebody else told us? But I think it was a trap-because the Hinge is actually the Hinge to the entire Universe! LORNA Holy shit! Wordbridge is a lot more important than I thought!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA "A" I know, right? But this is the thing. Once we figure out today who's behind this whole thing--you still have to crack open the Hinge and go inside! LORNA What? The fuck I'm doing that! LORNA "A" That's the only way it can work! Think about it! Do you really want two of us running around! And I mean--paradoxes and shit, too! Dramaturgically, you really have to do this. Otherwise there's no story! LORNA Well...if it works dramaturgically. LORNA "A" It does. That's all I was thinking about when I was falling through the cosmos. LORNA Really? LORNA "A" I was falling for a long time, dude. It gets scary out there. LORNA I'm gonna have to remember that. LORNA "A" I think you should. LORNA Pittsburgh sty-LORNA "A" No! Stop saying that! Right now! LORNA I hardly ever say it. LORNA "A" You say it fucking constantly! And everybody else is gonna call you out on it--so just stop right now! LORNA Well--if you say so.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA "A" Good. LORNA (under her breath) Pittsburgh style-LORNA "A" What did I say! I will cut you in half and-LORNA and LORNA "A" Staple your ovaries to the call board! LORNA "A" Damn it! LORNA That was a good one, though. PLAYWRIGHT NUMBER THREE enters. His arms are in full-length casts. THREE Hey Lorna...I wrote a song on the piano...I can still play even though my arms were crushed...I'm kind of a piano genius like that-Three sees the two Lornas in the room, faints. LORNA That won't lead to a paradox, will it? LORNA "A" No. You're lucky you won't have to hear that song. LORNA Really? LORNA "A" Talk about minutes of your life you can't get back... End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher Scene Seven HANK and MONKEY in the cabin. They play Connect Four. MONKEY Put my piece right there in that left spot. HANK Okay...And I will put my piece right here... MONKEY Put my piece right next to that one. HANK On this right side, on top this other one? Are you sure? MONKEY Yeah I'm sure! Just do it! HANK Alright...but lets me put my piece right here... MONKEY And now you put my piece right on top of yours. HANK Okay, but...damnit! MONKEY Connect Four! Yes! HANK How do you keep beating me? I don't understand that! MONKEY Pay me my money! HANK I don't have any more twenties. MONKEY Then you owe me. HANK Double or nothing.
18.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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MONKEY Again, man? Shit. HANK I'm getting beat at Connect Four by a stupid monkey. MONKEY But you are getting beat, so lemme ask you--which one of us is the real monkey? HANK Okay--I have to start thinking of a way to get in touch with them. I have to defeat The Jackal. It's all up to me. MONKEY Who's this Jackal you keep talking about? HANK I don't know! I've just seen him lurking, every single year. This dark, hatted presence. And then when I see him and try telling anybody about it, they look at me like I'm crazy. But I'm not crazy! MONKEY You're talking to a stuffed monkey. HANK I'm not crazy! Hmm...what is it that he always does? Whenever I see him...I look at him and he goes away...wait! Maybe that's it! Maybe I have to stare back at him--whenever I do that he disappears! Maybe if we all stare at him at once, we can defeat him! MONKEY That's just crazy enough to work, crazy man! But how are we gonna get outta here? HANK I don't know! He pulls on the door again, frustrated. HANK Stupid stupid stupid stupid door! MONKEY Take a running start at it!
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HANK What? MONKEY You heard me, biggie! HANK Hey that's not nice at all-MONKEY I'm trying to get you motivated! I'm fucking directing you! HANK Oh! Oh, I get it. Say it again. MONKEY Take a running start at it! HANK What? MONKEY You heard me biggie! Hank shouts and takes a running start at the door. It pops open and he falls down. HANK Ow, my back! MONKEY That's what I'm talking about, biggie! HANK Stop calling me that. MONKEY Okay, sorry. Whatever. Let's get the hell outta here! Hank grabs Monkey and they exit.
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Scene Eight LORNA asleep on the Script Office floor. It is morning. THREE is still passed out by the piano. Lorna jolts awake. LORNA Shit! It's morning! She runs to the door, opens it. She hears LORNA "A" and the other Script Office Girls pounding on the hinge, as in Act One. LORNA "A" (offstage) Fucking Dave White! LORNA I still have time! Yes. Hey you--(she kicks Three in the side) Get off my floor. THREE ...What? I--saw there--there was two of you... LORNA Yeah, you wish. THREE Do you wanna have a PBR with me? LORNA It's ten o'clock in the morning! THREE ...okay. So do you? LORNA Useless! Look, I have to go save my girls from getting sucked down into the goddamn center of the goddamn universe! Is that something you wanna help out on? THREE ...no...
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LORNA I didn't fucking think so! Get outta my way! She grabs her paper cutter machete and sneaks out of the room. End of Scene.
Scene Nine The planet Zambodia. JAYNE bobs and weaves as an unseen MONSTER tries to hit her. PRINCE MONGO watches from a distance. JAYNE This is scary as shit! I'm gonna piss my pants! MONGO You got her on the ropes, I believe! JAYNE Which one of us are you talking to?! MONGO Talking to you, angel pie! Keep a'going! JAYNE But I'm not doing anything! MONGO Well whatever it is you're not doing, keep on not doing it! JAYNE Shut up! Shut the hell up or I will fucking cut you--Pittsburgh style!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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MONGO What does that mean? What's Pittsburgh got to do with anything? JAYNE I don't know! It's not my catchphrase! Look, monster. I don't wanna fight you, so how about we just-The Monster roars! MONGO Whoo boy! JAYNE Old man, I swear to God! Gimme something to fight with! MONGO I don't think you could do much with what I got-JAYNE Try me! You wouldn't be saying that if you saw how many fucking zombies I killed with a rubber mallet! Here, gimme these! She grabs the energy receptor antlers. MONGO No! Not my energy receptors! JAYNE I'll take what I can get and find a use for it! That's what a good stage manager does! That's what a good theatre artist does! That's what a good Script Office Girl does! MONGO A what? JAYNE A motherfucking Script Office Girl!! She throws the antlers at the Monster. We hear the Monster roar! Then gasp and choke! Then fall to the ground with a terrible thud! MONGO Holy hell! I never thought to use my energy receptors as some sort of...pointed weapon...or something.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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JAYNE Yes! Monsters can suck my vag! MONGO Suck your what? You want that monster to do what to you? JAYNE I don't know! That's not my catchphrase either. Do I even have a catchphrase? MONGO Well, I got to thank you right here for destroying our monster. The planet Zambodia is greatful to you and I'd hereby cordially invite you to live amongst us as a being of pure energy-JAYNE Can it, 'cause I need to get to Earth! MONGO You mean Earth the planet or Earth the coffee and ice cream place down the road from Zambodia university? JAYNE The planet! MONGO Good, 'cause I'd have to tell you that that place closes down after 7pm around these parts. Hop on in the Thing here, and let's get going! JAYNE Earth! Clemson University! 2009! MONGO Yee-haw! JAYNE Whoooo! (pause) Hey, maybe that can be my catchphrase! MONGO What? You just going whooo? That's your catchphrase? JAYNE No, you're right. Damnit! They drive off. End of Scene.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Ten ROBERT GOULET'S coke-and-hookers party, 1979. RITA has LOTUS in her arms as young RESOURCE ARTIST MAN unloads a cardboard box filled with acid. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN This shit is the really good shit. Don't ask me where I got it because I don't know. Some guy in a hat. He had a name like...the Hyena...or... RITA The Jackal? RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No that wasn't it. It was something like the Marmot... RITA Jackal? RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No...he had a hat, I remember that...and I think he wielded some sort of power over space and time-RITA The Jackal, you stoned son of a bitch! The Jackal! GOULET Let those bad vibes go, little lady. Here have some coke-RITA Holy ballsac! If you offer my coke one more time I'm gonna-RESOURCE ARTIST MAN You know what, I think it was the Jackal! Maybe. Yeah, he gave this to me, just in case I ran into a tiny little woman with a baby at an orgy thrown by Robert Goulet in the year 1979 RITA That's exactly where you are! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Far out. Okay then--take one of these. RITA Are you crazy? I'm not dropping acid!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RESOURCE ARTIST MAN No, you don't understand. This is the really good shit. RITA I don't care about your shit! I need to find my way to thirty years in the future! I need to help save my friends! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Then this is definitely the way to do it! You just take one of these tablets and you'll see the future and the past and every fucking thing you can imagine. RITA I don't wanna just see it! I need to go to the future! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well it does that too. 'Cause we're always moving into the future, man! RITA Just gimme the acid! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Really? You bought all that? Far out. RITA If I'm going to the future...and I'm taking Lotus with me...does that mean that she...? RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well I have absolutely no idea, but I would immediately say yes, without any reservation. Yes, give this baby some acid. RITA Well...okay... Rita puts an acid tablet on her tongue. She sticks another one in Lotus's mouth. Suddenly the lights turn YELLOW and ORANGE and other MISCELLANREOUS PSYCHEDELIC SHIT. The lights go OUT...and then come back up to reveal the Brooks Center in Clemson, 2009.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher RITA What just happened...? LOTUS Hell, I don't know. Rita looks over at LOTUS, who is now a fully-aged thirty-year-old woman. RITA WTF?? Lorna's gonna kill me!! LOTUS What the fuck?! I used to be a baby! RITA Ohmigod, thirty years have passed! We're both thirty years older! I'm fifty-five years old! I must look so old! LOTUS Actually...you look pretty much the same, honey. RITA I do? LOTUS I'm telling you...you got a youthful look... RITA Awww, thanks Lotus! (They hug.) LOTUS Uh huh. Yeah okay. A RUMBLE in the distance. RITA What's that?! LOTUS I don't know, but we're about to find out! They run off stage. End of Scene.
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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Scene Eleven The Hinge. The very end of Scene One. We see the Hinge open and all the girls falling into it once more!! THE JACKAL emerges and moves toward RESOURCE ARTIST MAN. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN I'm no scientist...but I think those girls just fell though the hinge of the entire universe. JACKAL Yes...Good... RESOURCE ARTIST MAN And I'm gonna go ahead and assume...that...you are the Jackal. JACKAL Indeed. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Well okay. What did you do all this for? The Jackal says nothing. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN (cont.) I assume this is some sort of nefarious scheme or power grab. Otherwise...you know...what would be the point. The Jackal says nothing. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN (cont.) I guess I should stop talking to you and let you do...whatever it is you're here for. This reminds me of a story about baseball-LORNA appears, machete drawn! LORNA Hold where you fucking are, Jackal! The Jackal STARES AT HER. A harsh red light fills the stage as Lorna retreats from his terrifying gaze.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LORNA (cont.) Goddamn it, this isn't what I need right now! RITA and LOTUS enter! RITA Don't worry--we've got what you need! LOTUS Let's show this motherfucker-LORNA Lotus--is that you? RITA We're both thirty years older, can't you tell? LORNA Her, yeah. You? Not so much. RITA Oh. The Jackal STARES AT THEM. They fight to defend themselves against it. A Volkswagen Thing CRASHES THROUGH THE WALL. JAYNE flies out! JAYNE Thanks for the ride, Prince! The car honks, then backs out. JAYNE (cont.) Ah! That stare! It's like it's punching my soul in the balls! LORNA Your soul has balls? JAYNE I don't know! I don't have anything I say at time like these! RITA How are we gonna beat this?
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LOTUS His power's coming from his stare! Maybe if we stare back at him--altogether--we can beat him at his own game! LORNA Lotus! That's really smart! JAYNE Lotus???! LORNA Everybody stare all at once--now!! The four girls stare at The Jackal. Suddenly a GREEN LIGHT emits from the Script Office Girls. The Red and Green lights fight each other for control of the stage. LOTUS I don't know if we're strong enough to hold this! JAYNE We need more power! LORNA Where in the goddamn shit-shitting motherfucking hell is that cocksucking Hank?! At that, HANK and MONKEY arrive from offstage, panting and out of breath. HANK Sorry...sorry...had to run...from the cabin...I figured it out! We can defeat the Jackal if we all stare at him together and beat the force of his stare-LORNA Lotus already figured that out! RITA Get on the ball, Hank! HANK What? Crap! LORNA Get in on this right now!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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Hank and Monkey join the Girls. At this addition, the Green light is strong enough to VANQUISH the Red light!! The Jackal falls to the ground, defeated. The Girls cheer! Lorna sticks a cigar in her mouth, advances toward the Jackal. LORNA Now...let's see who you really are. She removes his hat. It's MIKE VANDERCOOK. SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS and HANK Mike Vandercook?! MIKE What. LORNA What? You broke open the center of the fucking universe and scattered us all around space and time! JAYNE I am really pissed off at you right now! MIKE I knew you'd get back here. RITA Why did you do it in the first place? MIKE I don't know. Just fucking with you. Mike exits. LORNA What?! Really?! That's it? We're thirty fucking pages into this thing, and that's it?! JAYNE I fought a monster!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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LOTUS I used to be a baby! RITA I'm a fifty-two-year-old acid freak! HANK I lost three-hundred bucks to a stuffed monkey! MONKEY I was stuck in a room with this guy the whole time! I mean, shit! LORNA And we didn't even find any fucking gold! RESOURCE ARTIST MAN You were looking for gold? RITA Charney lost his gold. JAYNE Solid gold. RESOURCE ARTIST MAN Sold gold? Well I wish you woulda told me that in the first place. I've been using it as a footrest through all of this shit. He moves his feet and the girls open the box. It is filled with old videotapes. RITA Videotapes? LOTUS What's a videotape? Remember, I was a baby about two minutes ago. MONKEY Lotus? Goddamn, girl! JAYNE Okay, what the-RESOURCE ARTIST MAN It's Solid Gold. The old TV show. Charney let me borrow some tapes last year and I'm just now returning them.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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CHARNEY enters. CHARNEY Hey everybody! Oh good, you found my tapes! Well, seeya! Charney picks up the box of tapes and exits. LORNA That's it, I quit! RITA What? You can't quit? LORNA Yes I can. I'm sick of all this shit. Consider me retired...(very long pause) ...Pittsburgh Style. HANK See? You say it all the time! Oh--is it not a good time to bring that up? Lorna throws down her machete and exits. The Girls look back and forth at each other. JAYNE Now what are we supposed to do? RITA Make some script copies? JAYNE ...I guess so... Suddenly, DAVE WHITE enters in a panic. He holds his cell phone. DAVE WHITE Girls! We need your help! HANK What's the matter? DAVE WHITE I just got this voicemail from our translator, Russian Maria. Listen-Dave White presses a button. We hear the accented voice of RUSSIAN MARIA.
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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RUSSIAN MARIA (on phone) Hello Dave. I have been...how do you say it...kidnapped by the cosmonauts? Is this correct? And I am now...how do you say it...trapped in the icy prison of deep space? Is this correct? Anyway...I just wanted to let you know... JAYNE Oh shit! HANK What do we do? DAVE WHITE We really have to go save her! RITA But how? How do we get into space? DAVE WHITE Oh don't worry! PJ and I have that taken care of-JAYNE But Lorna's not here! What are we gonna do without her? HANK Yeah, who's gonna lead us? LOTUS I'll do it. DAVE WHITE Really? Because that would be great! LOTUS Yeah, fuck it. We're about to go into space! Baltimore style! THE END!!!!!!!! The Script Office Girls will Return in... SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE Coming Soon!
SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS: THE LEGEND OF CHARNEY'S GOLD by Fancher
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