Script Office Girls In Space

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Scene One Nick's Bar and Deli. NICK, a grizzled old man with an eyepatch, wipes down the bar. His back is to the door. PJ enters. The SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS enter behind him-LOTUS, RITA, JAYNE, HANK and MONKEY. Nick turns around and sizes them all up. NICK Well howdy now. I was expecting y'all sooner. PJ Were you now? NICK All kinds of commotion 'round these parts last couple days. What with...Senator Thurmond a-grasping towards eternal life and that there rip in the space-time continuum...figured it was only a matter of time before the Script Office Girls come inquirin' about my rocket ship. PJ Seems we've lost our translator. NICK That's a tough thing to lose. PJ We think she might be in space. NICK Outer space? PJ The best kind. NICK What makes you think that? PJ She told us. NICK Well...that's a hell of a hint, ain't it?

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher PJ We need your ship. NICK Weren't there used to be one of you girls, handled a machete something fierce, chomping on a cee-gar? PJ She's retired. NICK She had a mouth on her. PJ Look, do we get the ship or not? NICK Well that all depends on what y'all got in return-LOTUS Old man, I will rip out your other eye, squish it in my hand and spread that fucking jelly on my morning toast! MONKEY Damn, Lotus-LOTUS I'm handling this, Monkey! HANK Hey--! PJ Everybody--settle down! NICK (Laughs) She's new, but she done already learned from the best, ain't she? PJ What is it that you want? NICK Well, you see I'm having me a rendezvous with a few local friends--they don't make such a commotion as you out-of-towners--and I might need a little something to keep them from starving. Two thousand pounds of coq au van. Tonight.

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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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PJ Done. NICK One thousand pounds of rice and beans. PJ Just a thousand? NICK You offering more? PJ Nope. Just asking. NICK And you gotta cook it all by yourself. PJ I've already started-PJ holds up a bag of chicken legs. NICK Well okay then. Let's have a drink on it. Schlitz for everybody! HANK Actually I don't drink-NICK I said Schlitz for everybody. You got a problem with that? RITA and JAYNE Hank, you sack of crap! They all pop open a can of Schlitz and chug. NICK Now let's see about that rocket ship. I need my trusty hounddog to guide us... Nick whistles. A gigantic HOUNDDOG appears in the doorway. End of Scene.

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Scene Two RUSSIAN MARIA chained up aboard what appears to be some sort of space station. MINIONS mill about in the background. (Note: The number of Minions on stage at any moment is left to the discretion of the production. The lines of dialogue belonging to "Minion" may be split up amongst the minions as the production sees fit.) A captain's chair is turned away from the audience. RUSSIAN MARIA This all seems...I don't know what is the word...um...wait...terrifying, right? As if my life were in danger? I mean...here we are in outer space and I have been kidnapped! It's so crazy! It's interesting. Minion steps toward the captain's chair. MINION Sir, we have reached the speed of light. The captain's chair spins around. In it sits TOBIAS, the leader. Gleaming bald head and a trimmed beard. Glasses. TOBIAS Excellent...excellent. Soon the last part of the plan will be in place. RUSSIAN MARIA Plan? I don't understand what you mean by this? TOBIAS You need not concern yourself with things you can't possibly understand. Like my plan. It is a deep and introspective plan. Some may say that my plan shows the clearest view of a man's psyche. And that man would be me. And that plan would be my plan. RUSSIAN MARIA I...I don't understand what you just said. TOBIAS And you don't need to understand! I'm the leader of these space pirates! Only I need to understand anything about what it is I'm talking about or doing!

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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RUSSIAN MARIA Oh! I thought you were cosmonauts. TOBIAS Why would we be cosmonauts? RUSSIAN MARIA I don't know...I guess...to--to prevent me from...ah...(laughs) translating American plays into Russian--I don't know...you maybe want to keep our cultures at war with each other still. I thought that might be interesting. TOBIAS No. That's not it at all. That's so plotty! Why does everything have to be so plotdriven? Why can't I do what's unexpected? Why can't I write a letter to a play instead of reviewing it like everyone else? RUSSIAN MARIA Well...I guess...that would make more sense...if you had a plot like everyone else...I don't know. It's interesting still, so... TOBIAS You're not scared of me? I've kidnapped you and taken you millions of miles from earth. RUSSIAN MARIA (smiles) Eh...I don't know... TOBIAS I'll show you--! Tobias draws a sword on her. She is still pleasant and unconcerned. TOBIAS (cont.) Blast! Continue on course, minions! On the double! MINION Yes sir! TOBIAS And as for you...Russian Maria...we'll just see how you feel after--The Plan! Russian Maria smiles at him. End of Scene.

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Scene Three Clemson campus. HOT ACTING COUPLE sits together on a bench. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE sits across from them. HOT ACTRESS Hey Manning, great job on the readings today! ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Oh thanks. You too. HOT ACTOR Seriously, dude. Great job. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Thanks--I'm sorry. I suddenly have to leave. Acting Robot from the Future exits. Hot Acting Couple stares after him. HOT ACTOR You know what I think? HOT ACTRESS What? HOT ACTOR This might sound really weird--but do you ever get the feeling that he's not human? Like he's some kind of-HOT ACTRESS Acting robot? HOT ACTOR ...yeah...but there's something more...'cause I mean--he's an acting robot, right? HOT ACTRESS Definitely. That's been established. HOT ACTOR So…they can't make acting robots yet, can they? HOT ACTRESS You're right. So by definition, if he's an acting robot, he'd have to be from the

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher future. HOT ACTOR Yes! That's it! HOT ACTRESS He's an acting robot from the future. HOT ACTOR Man, I'm glad you were thinking that too, 'cause it's been driving me crazy this whole time. HOT ACTRESS Yeah, I'm glad we figured that out. HOT ACTOR I wonder why he's here, then. HOT ACTRESS To act, I guess. I mean, he's an acting robot. I don't know what else he could be programmed to do. HOT ACTOR ...yeah...I don't know. I'm sure we'll figure it out. HOT ACTRESS I'm sure we will too. HOT ACTOR What are you gonna do for the rest of the day? HOT ACTRESS All's I know is, I'm gonna yoga the hell outta somebody. HOT ACTOR I might go machine-gun for a while. That sounds like fun. HOT ACTRESS That does sound like fun. They kiss. PLAYWRIGHT THREE enters, holding two Miller High Life cans. He drinks from one of them. THREE You guys seen Lorna around anywhere?

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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher HOT ACTOR No man, I haven't. HOT ACTRESS Sorry. THREE 'S okay. He wanders off. HOT ACTRESS That guy's got a problem. HOT ACTOR Big time. End of Scene.

Scene Four LORNA sits by a lake with a fishing rod. LORNA Ah, retirement! Moments pass. She looks extemely bored and a little sad. End of Scene.

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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Scene Five The Bridge of Nick's Rocket Ship. LOTUS at the controls, JAYNE as her co-pilot. RITA tries desperately to read space coordinates and work space communications. HANK and MONKEY play Space Connect Four. RITA What are these space coordinates even supposed to mean? LOTUS Rita, you've just gotta feel it. JAYNE Lotus, how did you learn to fly a rocket ship so quickly? LOTUS I'm just that good. RITA Russian Maria is trapped in some kinda ship--how are we supposed to find it?! LOTUS You gotta believe! Hell, it's just space--it's gotta be somewhere. JAYNE Where would space men take Russian Maria? And why? RITA I don't know...Stupid stupid stupid space! Holy ballsacs! LOTUS What is it? RITA I miss Bobby Goo... JAYNE Rita, that was like two plays ago--let it go! RITA No--but I saw him in the 70s! And he was really creepy! But I still loved him! (cries) LOTUS

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Hank! Make yourself useful and comfort Rita or something so we can get back to finding this chick and the spaceship that's got her. HANK Okay, hold on! I've almost got him beat-MONKEY Connect Four, motherfucker! Space Connect Four! HANK Damnit! MONKEY Pay me my money! HANK How much do I owe you now? MONKEY Five thousand dollars. HANK Are you serious? MONKEY Five thousand dollars! HANK Okay. (pause) Double or nothing! MONKEY Aww, shit! LOTUS Hank! Get stepping right now! MONKEY Come on, Lotus! Take it easy on him. LOTUS When did you two get so buddy-buddy? MONKEY What's it to you? LOTUS

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher You're my monkey still, I believe! MONKEY Well you ain't had much use for me since you got all big... LOTUS What is that supposed to mean?! MONKEY Just what I said! LOTUS Oh! You! You... Lotus starts sobbing like a baby. RITA Oh no, baby Lotus! The rocket ship begins to go off course! Sirens scream! JAYNE We're outta control! I can't get a hold of--Lotus, please! You've gotta fly this thing! LOTUS My monkey doesn't love me anymore! MONKEY No I don't! RITA Of course he does! MONKEY No I don't! So put that in your pipe and smoke it! HANK Come on everybody! Beeping! JAYNE Lotus...Lotus...it's okay...Rita look! RITA

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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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What? JAYNE There's a signal coming in! RITA What do I do? JAYNE Answer it! LOTUS My monkey...! RITA How? JAYNE Fuck if I know! Haven't you answered a hailing signal from a spaceship before? RITA No! HANK On Star Trek, she just taps her ear or something-JAYNE Hank I will feed your ass to the first space tiger we find! RITA Wait--let's try that-HANK What's a space tiger? Rita taps her ear. RITA Hello? TOBIAS (voice) Hello? RITA Hello? TOBIAS (voice)

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Hello? Is this thing working? RITA I don't know, I just tapped my ear and hoped something would happen-TOBIAS (voice) Well okay, we're talking, so...can anybody else hear me? RITA Lemme see...guys, can you hear this? JAYNE Hear what? TOBIAS (voice) Hello? JAYNE and HANK Hello? TOBIAS (voice) Oh good, you can--so okay. We have the translator and, uh, we're taking over your ship! Please don't put up a fight, 'cause you'll just get killed and stuff if you try. LOTUS ...wait, what? Who the fuck! TOBIAS (voice) I am Tobias! And you've already been boarded! LOTUS Oh, hell no! Get ready to kick some ass! Sparks fly from the door of the bridge! The Script Office Girls grab their weapons and brace for battle... The door flies open! MINIONS crowd into the bridge. The Girls and Hank fight them off! JAYNE Take that, you space bastards! RITA In space, no one can hear you get kicked in the nuts! Yes!

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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HANK Ah--my gout! It has returned! MONKEY Baby, save yourself! LOTUS Fuck that, monkey! I'm fighting! RITA Oh no! They've got me! JAYNE Ah--they've got me too! HANK My gout! Also, they've got me! TOBIAS appears with his sword. TOBIAS Who's the captain of this ship! LOTUS I am! TOBIAS You look a little too teary-eyed to fly a ship! LOTUS You motherf-Tobias and Lotus sword fight--Tobias with his sword, Lotus with Lorna's machete! Everyone else watches and cheers their respective fighter! Lotus puts up a good fight...but finally Tobias has her by the throat. TOBIAS Minions...take these losers away. And the monkey, too! MONKEY What did I do, Q-tip?!

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Tobias and the Minions exit, Script Office Girls in tow. End of Scene.

Scene Six LORNA, playing bridge with unseen players. LORNA Ah. Retirement. Now she just looks pissed off. End of Scene.

Scene Seven

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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HOT ACTING COUPLE on the bench. She yogas and he plays with a machine gun. HOT ACTOR He can't be here to kill anybody, right? HOT ACTRESS No, that doesn't make sense. I'm telling you, he's here to act! HOT ACTOR But why? HOT ACTRESS Why not! Isn't acting an end in itself? HOT ACTOR I guess so...but...I don't know. I think he's gotta be here for more than that. Like, act in something in particular maybe? Or maybe act for somebody? Or something--fuck I don't know. HOT ACTRESS No...you're right...there's gotta be more...I just can't think of what. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE enters. He looks worried. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Hey...guys...have you seen any of the script office girls? HOT ACTOR Not lately. Why, you need something copied? ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Not...exactly...Okay, see you later. Acting Robot from the Future exits quickly. HOT ACTRESS Weird. Maybe it's got something to do with the script office girls. HOT ACTOR What could he want with them, if he's got nothing to copy? HOT ACTRESS

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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I don't know...although there have been a lot of explosions and shit going on this WordBridge. HOT ACTOR That's not common for WordBridge. HOT ACTRESS No. Not common at all. End of Scene.

Scene Eight Tobias' space station. The SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS, HANK, and MONKEY are chained up alongside RUSSIAN MARIA. MINIONS mill about in the background. JAYNE Well this is just great, yo! RITA These chains hurt! And why are they just regular chains? Why can't they be space chains or something? HANK Actually, I'm kinda comfortable. MONKEY No one wants to hear what you think! HANK Hey--Monkey... MONKEY I'm sorry, Hank! LOTUS

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Oh! You're apologizing to Hank now! I'm the one that got us all captured by bald space man! I'm the one that lost my first sword fight ever, and just minutes after losing my best friend in the world! MONKEY Lotus...you haven't lost me... LOTUS Don't hand me that jive! I see you two. He needs you a lot more than I do now, so just go with him! HANK Hey, it's not like that at all-LOTUS This ain't about you, honky! RUSSIAN MARIA What--what is this...honky? JAYNE It means white person. RITA It means like a really lame white person. JAYNE It's like a really lame, like racist white person. Black people would say that about just a dumb fat white guy. HANK Hey! RUSSIAN MARIA What does this word come from? JAYNE I don't know. RITA I don't know either, but it's funny! Hank, I'm gonna call you that from now on. LOTUS I don't wanna be grown up any more! I was just born! I wanna be a baby again! End of Scene.

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Scene Nine LORNA, watching "Matlock" on TV. LORNA Retire...Fuck this noise, Jack! She stands, punches a hole in the TV. She runs off stage. End of Scene.

Scene Ten ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE wanders across the stage. LORNA wanders in from the other direction. Acting Robot from the Future crosses behind her. This goes on for a while, both of them missing one another. Finally, they bump into each other. LORNA Shit! Manning you scared me! ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Excellent! I found you! LORNA

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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What's going on? Where are the script office girls? Where's Russian Maria? Where's anybody? ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE They've been kidnapped. And taken to space. LORNA What?! How the fuck did this happen?! ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Very recently. We have to move fast or this whole place will fall apart-LORNA Wait--how do you know about all this? ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE I have been sent from the future. LORNA The future?! ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Yes, to make sure WordBridge survives these first rough years-LORNA What makes WordBridge so important? ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE I can't tell you...except to say that several popes may or may not be involved. LORNA Well, fuck it. Alright. What do we do? How do we get into space? ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE You let me worry about that? LORNA They're being held captive? We're gonna need backup. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE ...You leave that to me too...I've got a couple in mind... End of Scene Scene Eleven

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Tobias' space station. The SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS, HANK, MONKEY, and RUSSIAN MARIA chained together. TOBIAS stands before them. TOBIAS I don't have any demands. That's too plotty. I would never do something so pedestrain as hold you all for ransom. Please. You're all just here to watch. You're my audience. It'd be nice if I could get an audience that didn't have to be chained down, but...oh well. JAYNE But why us? TOBIAS Because you're girls. HANK I'm not a girl. TOBIAS Anyway. RITA You just want girls to pay attention to you? That's what all this is about? TOBIAS Yeah. So what? RITA ...nothing. (sotto voce) Creeepy... LOTUS Okay, so you have us here! What do you plan to do next? TOBIAS I am going...to read to you...my new collection of tone poems. JAYNE Tone poems?! TOBIAS It's sort of a song cycle... RITA

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Seriously?? LOTUS You just wanted a bunch of girls to listen to your stupid writing, so you kidnapped us and put us into motherfucking space and wasted our precious time with this self-centered pathetic bullshit!? MONKEY You tell him, baby! TOBIAS Silence! I...I...excuse me, my feelings are hurt... Tobias exits in a huff. RUSSIAN MARIA He seems upset. I hope he does not...what's the word...um...murder us in blind rage... JAYNE Boring us to death, maybe. RITA Oh snap! HANK Hey--I was just thinking--um... LOTUS Spit it out, Hank. HANK Well, like...if we never get back to Earth...or if he somehow or another destroys the Earth with some kind of death ray-JAYNE You just heard him--he's a lonely nerd, not an evil genius-HANK I'm just saying! I mean he's got a spaceship and everything, so...what I mean is that...it might end of being the case where we, you know, we have to rebuild th human race or something...you know what I'm saying? RITA Ewww, no! LOTUS

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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What the hell is the matter with you, boy? JAYNE Ewww...well...I mean, I still mean ewww, but...maybe he's got a point? RITA Really? HANK Really? JAYNE Yeah, I mean...what if we never get back to Earth? Or something happens? I mean...we may kinda run out of options. RUSSIAN MARIA ...I suppose... LOTUS ...yeah...if it's our absolute last option... RITA I guess so...if there's no way there's any other man left in the universe-The space station door explodes and flies across the room! HOT ACTOR enters through the smoke, brandishing a machine gun. The Girls swoon. JAYNE Oh thank God! HOT ACTRESS follows behind him. She runs to the Girls and starts removing the chains. LOTUS How did you two find us?! HOT ACTRESS Actually, it was these two-ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE enters, followed by LORNA. JAYNE and RITA and HANK

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Lorna! You're back!! LORNA Yeah. Retirement can suck my vag. TOBIAS re-enters, sees what's happened. TOBIAS What? No, you can't do this! No, these are my prisoners! This is the only way I can get pretty girls to pay attention to anything I do! No! I don't have anything else! Minions--attack them!! The Minions attack! The Script Office Girls SPRING INTO ACTION!! Acting Robot from the Future and Hot Acting Couple fight alongside them! It is an awesome fight--use your imagination. Somehow or another, Acting Robot from the Future shoots lasers from his eyes. RUSSIAN MARIA I did not know you shoot laser beams from your eyes. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Yeah, I'm actually a robot. From the future. That acts. And shoots lasers. Tobias hits a large red button on the ship's control panel. SHIP COMPUTER VOICE Self Destruct Sequence Initiated...Thirty Seconds Remaining. LORNA Self-Destruct! You son of a bitch! I've met some douchebags in my day, but none so douchey as you! Have at thee, villain! Lorna grabs her machete and they fight! ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Lorna! We need to go! SHIP COMPUTER VOICE ...Twenty seconds... They fight.

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher HOT ACTRESS There's only a few seconds left! HOT ACTOR Lorna, come on! RITA Lorna! JAYNE Lorna! SHIP COMPUTER VOICE ...Ten Seconds... HANK Lorna! LOTUS Lorna! RUSSIAN MARIA How do you say...Lorna! They fight. Tobias dies. TOBIAS Oh! I am slain! Lorna sticks a cigar in her mouth. LORNA Now we can go. SHIP COMPUTER VOICE ...Three...Two...One...Self-Destruct. The Ship EXPLODES!!! End of Scene.

Scene Twelve

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SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Outer Space. LORNA, LOTUS, RITA, JAYNE, HANK, MONKEY, HOT ACTING COUPLE, and ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE float through space. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE I told you to come on, didn't I? Here's another nice mess you've gotten us into! LORNA Excuse the fuck outta me! Why don't you go shoot more lasers outta your eyes! HANK See? Didn't I tell you there'd be something that happened where we'd have to rebuild the human race? JAYNE and RITA Shut up, Hank! MONKEY Lotus, I'm so sorry. LOTUS I'm sorry too, Monkey! They hug. LORNA There's a way out of this. There's gotta be a logical, story-driven way out of this. Suddenly, FOUR LARGE SPECTRAL FIGURES appear before them. These are THE FOUNDERS. Again, as with the minions, their dialogue may be split up as the production sees fit. These figures may or may not bear certain resemblances to David Kranes, Rich Rice, Mimi Rice, and J Ranelli. FOUNDERS This ending...works. It works fine as it is. But I wonder if it could work in a different way. There are many different ways to end a piece like this. It's really strong--this is a really strong choice. But this is a laboratory, after all.

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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And I wonder if it wouldn't work better-or at least differently, or interestingly-in a different way. What if, for example, Lotus was returned to her baby form? And then Rita was maybe not fifty-something years old for no good reason. That might be interesting, just to see what that gives you And also, returning you all to Earth, as opposed to having you all die in the frozen hell of outer space. Why don't we just see what comes out of that? LORNA Thank you! FOUNDERS No problem. It was a lot of fun to watch. The Founders reach out their hands. Lorna shakes them. End of Scene.

Scene Thirteen The Clemson campus. HOT ACTING COUPLE sits on a bench. ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE sits across from them, along with RITA, who bounces baby LOTUS on her knee. HANK sits nearby with MONKEY. Lotus begins to cry, and Hank hands Monkey over to her. She hugs Monkey tightly. JAYNE sits on the ground nearby. LORNA and RUSSIAN MARIA stand beside her. HOT ACTOR

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher

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Wow. That was a hell of an adventure. LORNA All in a days work for us. Manning, you don't have to head back to the future or anything? ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE What? Oh, all that stuff about me being a robot? I was just making that up. HOT ACTRESS Seriously? We were positive about that! Didn't you shoot lasers out of your eyes? ACTING ROBOT FROM THE FUTURE Nope, none of that was true. (He winks at the audience.) JAYNE Still...is it weird that we went to space? RITA Totes weird. HANK Yeah. Totes weird. LORNA Jesus, Hank... DAVE WHITE enters. DAVE WHITE Where have you guys been? MONKEY In space, motherfucker! DAVE WHITE ...the monkey can talk? RITA Where have you been this whole time? DAVE WHITE I only come in at the end of each play. I have other stuff to do. LORNA

SCRIPT OFFICE GIRLS IN SPACE by Fancher Okay, what do you want, Dave White? What do we have to do now? DAVE WHITE What? Nothing. WordBridge is over. LORNA It is? DAVE WHITE Yeah. See you next year! Dave White exits. Everyone is surprised. LORNA Oh. THE END

…or is it……..?

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