Script 4

SCENE TEN

tC~

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ahe 8rtJt!ns are di'ctJver~d in ex,ctly the Sdlre ptJsition is in the lut scene but tJne the ~&,.. fJ .~rf" -'fI'in. They JtJtJklrtJund but freeze iMd Ifter I fet! seconds the PlllCe Iflfid burst in dressed IJJ in bJlet Ind JtJokingdistindly sclry. J PALACE "AFIA [sung] Goodnewswe bring to you Goodnewsso strange you'll not believe your ears Goodnews we bring that everything is not quite what it seelS.., ahe PIJlce Ifdfii ctJnti/HJe huMMingstJftly ,nd tJMiflOilsly "

the ftJJJot!ing lines ire sptJkenJ

ANOY[spoken]

Did we win, Hu.? "ARBELLA[spoken]

1'1 not sure,.. 1 don't think so,.,

'-"

6ERAINT [spoken]

This is it!

They'vecole for le!

{One of the PlliC' If"" reMtJv.s his CD,t, sIMdes Ind IMt Ind reveils hi",elf dressed PrtJfessor Attil,. J

Oh, don't Bind thel,

is I sHrtJy

PROFATTILA [spoken] they always take things so seriously!

GERAINT [spoken] I never thought it would happen,this loon it's another three days till

-

my birthday!

DIANA[spoken] Whoare they? PROFATTILA [spoken] Palace Security Corps, The King and Queen's personal bodyguards, "ARBELLA,JUNO,DONNIE,ANOY,OIANABROWN [spoken] ~t1! 6ERAINT[gpoken] 1 suppose they'll

the thirteenth

take le away, torture

day of the thirteenth

le for

two days,

then kill

lonth! PROFATTILA [spoken]

What's he on about, 6ERAINT[spoken]

"y thirty-ninth birthday! t1ARBELLA [spoken] Oh, nothing, it's

just a hobby.

PROFATTILA [spoken] Right, whoknowshow to operate the video around here? ANOY[spoken]

I do! PROFATTILA [spoken] 600d boy!

Just pop this

in will you? 30

Me at 13.39 on Wednesday

-

{Andydoes If he is told Ina tile BroNns, nerl'ous and I'ery mystified, glther round the TV to tltltch tlhlt app,_rs,

Ser.int

gfidIJlily gets distrl(tlld

froll hi, obsession imd IIso tldtches,

}

OIANA[spoken]

That's the King and Queen! ANOY[spoken] Who'sthe little

kid? "ARBELLA [spoken]

That lust be Prince Donald,thoughit's funny. he doesn't look quite right doeshe? JUNO[gpoken] Why

are we watching this?

{Sin" Or AttiJtl's to Spel;:, J

entry Donnie hisn't

ti;:en his eyes off hilll, lit last he gtJtherfi the (olJrlge OONNIE (spoken]

~

I've met you before. haven't I? PROFATTILA[spoken] Of course, dear boy! 1'1 Professor Alec Attila. but you can just call Me Prof, like you always used to. 1 III considered to be the leading authority on spinal injury, After your accident you and 1 spent a lot of tile together.., DONNIE [spoken

Accident?!

You really

don't

remember?

- interrupting]

PROFATTILA [spoken] Those psychologists and their reprogramming!

Do you lean 1 tlasn't born like this?

DONNIE[spoken] Did 1 used to walk?

{OrIHti/1 points to the TVsaeen} PROFATTILA [spoken]

See for yourself! '-'"

JUNO [spoken]

That's Donnie?! PROF ATTILA [spoken]

Of course! "ARBELLA [spoken] With the King and Queen? PROFATTILA[spoken] Well, he is their son! THE BROWNS[spoken] WHAH!?!

£This excJll/lation is the (ue for the Pall.;:eIflfi. to stop hustling, The music ('hinges style instantly to sol/ething lJu('hioJlier is Prof IIttiJa recounts the story in song)

31

PROFAiTILA [spoken] Let 11 explain",

[sung) Cast your Bind back thirteen years or so The Royal's popularity was at an all time low The King and Queen were getting on It looked as though they never would produce a son And heir to carry on the royal line

But in the nick of time IY colleague Doctor Alilon Hubble Discovered how to grow a baby in a plastic You were born upon that glorious day!

bubble and

PALACE "AFIA [sung]

There WISrejoicing throughout the land People dancing, clapping their hands, singing .Prince Donald, we love you! You'll be the Monarchwewill pledge our loyalty to. PROF ATTILA [sung]

Youwere a publicity coup, their popularity grew and grew But at the age of three you climbed a tree. Fell down,broke luch lore than your crown",that dreadful day! {Tilt!PI/ICt! Hllil contif1Utlsinging IIord/t!ss/y IS " blckground to Doctor (Utili's of the story) PROF ATilLA

continllltion

[spoken]

In great secrecy you were brought to .y clinic, I did wha~1 could, but that was so 11itle! were in a panic, If the newsgot out that The King and Queen such affectionate parents you, the nation's sweetheart, had been injured as a result of their neglect, it could lean the end of the Royals forever! Drastic leasures were called fori

-

-

A child of sillilar

age and appearance, a poor unfortunate orphan, was brought in to replace you, He 11 the boy that everybody now believes is Prince Donald, And you were placed for adoption with this lovely, caring falily. the Browns. DONNIE [spoken] But whydon't I reme.ber? PROFATTILA [apoken] You

were just a toddler.. ,. and the psychologistsperforled a little

lelory reprograMMing upon

you,

JUNO[spoken) Youlean he wasbrainwashed. PROFAiTILA [spoken] could he have adjusted to his new life in the full knowledgeof his origins? It wouldn't have been fair to hil, Anyway.that's not the point of .y visit, I COl. with great news!

Nothing so crude!

1 don't

How

know if I can cope with anything

DONNIE[spoken] else.

PROFAiTILA [sung]

have good news to announce to you In IY research I have lade a breakthrough I havediscovered how to repair I severed spinal cord There's no reason whyyou shouldn't be walking by this Hear what I say! The royal couple have decided to welcol. you back You will be Prince Donald sole glorious day! I

tile next year

32

PALACEMAFIA

[sung]

There'll be rejoicing in the royal hearts TheKing and Queenwill dance and sing this long 'Prince Donald, we love you! Flesh and blood are thicker than water, it's true Andone day, whenwe're gone, you'll pass our blue blood on Nowyou're no longer broken, the door to the future's open You'll take your rightful place sole glorious day'" £The P"i,ace IIdfi. .mf PrDf IIttUi continue hu"lIing, "hUe various .lIbe,s the fDJJofling lines, ) PALACEMAFIA

Df the /Utii

spei*'

1 [spoken]

Wedrealed up the AverageFalily colpeiition as a way of getting the fake prince to cole and stay nexi door and go to the sale school so you can observe hil at close quarters, JUNO [spoken]

The colpetition was rigged? PALACE MAFIA2 [spoken] Donn!e needs to see the fake prince in norlll surroundings as part of his reeducation process,

'-ffbsolutelyl

JUNO[spoken]

Youlean he's going to get brainwashedall over again! "ARBELLA[spoken]

Junol Don't be so rude to our visitors. They're offering to cure Donnie, don't forget. little dishonestyin a goodcause neverdid any harl'

A

JUNO [spoken]

That should be your lottol PALACE MAFIA3 [spoken]

Thankyou "rl Brown,it'l good to knowWI haveyour full support. "ARBELLA[spoken]

Oh, if it's for Donnie, then anything, anything at alii -.11.1'11be hearing frol 1.11soon. trust would of course be treason.

PALACE MAFIA4 [spoken] "eanwhile, not a word of this to anyone.

A betrayal of our

PROFATTILA [spoken]

We'll have you up and about in no tile.

Spinal regrowth and physiotherapy vi 11 take a few

lonths and there'll be a linilul of cosletic surgery, JUlt 50 no-one spots the swap. Personality re-shaping can proceed lilultaneously with the physical recovery. The whole thing shouldn't take lore than two years three at the lostl It'll be funl Don't call us, we'll call you!

-

[Prof IUtili siJenL"e.)

Imf the Pillct! If"'i

depirt, singing their refrlin,

PALACE MAFIA

[sung]

600d news we bring to you

600dnewsso strange you'll not believe your ears 600d news we bring that everything is not qui~e what it seeIS.., ENDOF ACTONE

33

ielving the 8ro~ns in ,tunned

ww

-..-

(lhe sceM iBI school cllBsroOll flith desks and chairs and perhdps I blldbDlrd, FM younger Iroflnchildrln Ire tnl firl# to ."i'll, J DIANABROWN [~poken] I suppose you want us to Itari calling you 'your highness" now Donnie, ANOYBROWN [spoken] show utlercy!

Oh, lord and lalter,

OONNIE ['iipoken] Stop Muckingabout, you two! Supposingsoleone hears. ANOYBROWN [spoken]

We're the first

He's right

ones here.

Andy

-

DIANABROWN [spoken]

you heard what the Palace Security people said lilt

night, If wetell anybodyabout this it'll

be trealon!

ANOYBROWN [spoken] Can't

1 just ielllY

best friend?

NO!

DONNIE A OIANA[~poken] OlANABROWN [spoken]

Shhh! Someone's coMing,

(Jlssie and lelnni, lohnson enter, arguing, J Prince Oon.ld definitely

JESSIE JOHNSON [spoken] fancies le!

JEANNIEJOHNSON [spoken] Anyone can see it 's lie he' ~ after!

JESSIEJOHNSON [spoken] You sad person! Whydid he tell .e to get the touto fingers and chips?

sauce for hi! fish

JEANNIEJOHNSON [spoken]

It was"' Angel Delight Only because you virtually

he ate whenhe said he wantedlore! JESSIE JOHNSON [spoken] threw it at hi.!

DONNIE [spoken] Howis Prince Donaldthis lorning? JESSIE JOHNSON [spoken]

Lovesick! 34

JEANNIEJOHNSON [spoken]

For le! JESSIE JOHNSON [spoken]

~

Don't listen to her

- she's just

jealous!

DONNIE[spoken]

Nice guy is he1 JESSIE JOHNSON [spoken] Fantaltic!

Actually,

JEANNIEJOHNSON [Ipoken] he wal very fatigued, and went straight to bed after

You drove hi.

tea.

JESSIE JOHNSON [spoken] away with your stupid chatter,

"--'"

JEANNIEJOHNSON [spoken]

Oh, shut up Jess!

lOne or tllOchildren Irrive in tillle to hear the next fIll lines, J JESSIE JOHNSON [spoken] Anyway, the big news is.,. JEANNIEJOHNSON [spoken]

...he's coling to schooltoday... JESSIEJOHNSON [spoken]

...and guels whichclass he'l chosento be in! £The""ie beginfl 111(/tile rest of tile (Mldren "rive, PU1J8dNtlleen the, abOllt Prin" Donlld's visit.)

'-.r

rile nells is r.

CHILDREN'S CHORUS [sung] Hey! Haveyou heard the newI? Prince Donaidhad to choosea class to spendhis weekwith He choseus, he's on his way! He will be nobody's fool he's been there, done that, seen it all We'll get on well 1 bet Prince Donald's really cool!

-

lTfIO gil'll

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p"t on , little ad, vying fo,. attention. J

TWO61RlS [sung] When Prince Donaldsteps into the rool llay very well faint right away in a swoon He'll give le a life-sIving kiss Then he will fall for le, then he will marry.e old life Then he will carry le far away frol.y As his loyal, royal wife Wewill be the new King and Queenof the country!

£Tile telcher, Ifr finnegln fJudde, enters. froll the reiu:tion of tile children it can be inferred that he is , strict dis(.-iplinirilJn /;110*'i11 toler,te no nonsense. J FINNE6AN FLUDDE [sung] I've been waiting for too long nowfor you lot to settle down Just because we have a newboy, no excusefor Muckingaround Youlay think he's soMethingspecial, no doubt he shares that view 1 will take no cheek froM hil, no lore than I wouldtake from you! 6et your books out, get your pensout, nowturn to page one-O-eight Readthe chapter that you find there, focus Mindsand concentrate!

rhe children do IS they Ire told, but often peering toNrds the door, trying to spot the PrinL-e, Donniesings his thoughts,} DONNIE[sung]

----

It is strange to think that he will 500n be sitting The person who for one decade Has played the part that 1 should have played!

close to le CHILDREN [sung] Where is Prince Donald? Whereis Prince Donald?

Will he be at all like le1 Will He be what I want to be?

Maybewe will be good friends, perhaps he will help le to pretend To be hiM, but whowill he be whenat last I learn howto be le? Will he be at all like le? Hebe what I want to be?

Where is Prince Donald? Where is Prince Donald?

Will

1'1 feeling quite confused I had not thought it through

CHILDREN [sung]

OnceI a. PrinceDonald.then what? Will he be sent away.but where? Allowed to stay, but surely there Wouldbe the risk of people Finding out the truth about le! ~'

Here's Prince Donald now! Here's Prince Donald now! Here's Prince Donaldnow!

Here's Prince Donald, here's Prince Donaldnow! CHILDREN [sung]

...there has neverbeena schooldaylike today It feels lore like a holiday Who'dhave thought that wewouldsee Prince Donald, fila star, future king comewalking into This old school in that cool way £rile girls who threatened to 'swoon' earlier do exactly thlt with much sighing ,nd fuss} PRINCEDONALD[spoken]

What's wrong with the.?

They're

deeply

CHILD 1 [spoken] in love with you!

36

PRINCE DONALD[spoken]

Urgh! 6roul CHILD2 [spoken] They've got this thing about famouspeople", CHILD3 [Ipoken] Richard in the street once and got so excited she threw up",

Shelaw Cliff

PRINCEDONALD[spoken]

Well, that lakes sense. FINNE6AN FlUODE[spoken] Excusele, PRINCEDONALD[spoken] Ves?

'-"

FINNE6AN FLUODE [spoken]

.Yes sir!"

PRINCEDONALD [spoken]

That's beUer I FINNE6ANFLUDDE[spoken] While you're in IY class Let's get this clear frOIl the first lollent, you're Just plain Donald. one of the children, Now. sit down, shut up and

get on with sole

work,

CHILD4 [spoken] Did you hear what I1r Fludde said? Isn't that treason? PRINCEDONALD[spoken]

Cool it, lan,

I knowthe deal.

Mulsie said I had to pretend to respect

you, That's cool, Just give le space, [Hesits) ~

10h. isn't

he aMazing?

CHILD S [spoken] Fancy talk ing to I1r Fludde like

that!

FINNE6AN FLUDDE [spoken] Enough of your

lip, boy!

Andthat goes for the rest of you.

I knew this was a bad idea. What a dork!

Okay, class,

Whyle?

PRINCEDONALD [spoken

who can tell

to his neighbour]

FINNE6ANFLUDDE[spoken] le where the Great Barrier

CHILD6 [spoken] It's on the 1100n,sir! CHILD7 [spoken] Is it that thing down the .iddle of the A38, sir?

Reef is?

lTo hiueJl J