Script 2

JUNOBROWN (spoken)

That's ridicul~usl

MARBELLA BROWN[spoken) That's

the

average number

But you can't have "point

of

children

in a family

DIANABROWN (spoken) four" of a child! ANDYBROWN [spokenJ

['m sure MuMcan find a way! Look, Juno's

virtually

an adult

MARBELLABROWN(spoken) now, 50 she doesn't count".

JUNOBROWN [spoken) Well, thanks very Much!

-...

'-'

".and,

MARBELLA BROWN (spoken) as Much as Donnie is one of the family, he's only adopted so he's the "point

JUNO,DIANA,AHOY[spoken variously, overlapping] Howcan you say that? That's outrageous! What a terrible thing to say! really hurt Donnie's feelings!

Mum!

four"!

1 bet you've

[Suddenly, 6er.aint, rtM .appeirs to hart!' bs"n ttJtdlly absorbed in Ms ortn florid up to nOlI, counting .andcill."uliting, loses his tell/per ind hiS in outburst, J GERAINTBROWN [sung) Whydon't you shut your mouths?' You should know well by now nothing good can come to this house While I remain to jinx your lives Don't worry you don't need to try to save me Don't you be surprised if I'm not Here much longlr!

Wemust win this, CHILDREN'SCHORUS (sung)

, Tell the truth, Ma Tell the truth Tell the truth, Ma

Tell the truth

ADULTCHORUS (sung]

Wemust win this prize! Wemust win this prize! we must win this prize!

TENOR/BASS [sung] ADULTCHORUS [sung) There has never been a competition like it

In this nation's history Wedon't care what we do We'll answer what we Needto win the chance to be The nation's AverageFamily! Wewant to win a dream Wewant to win a dream Wewant to win a dream There has never been a competition Wewant to win a dream Like it in this nation's history There has not ever been Wedon't care what we do An opportunity to find We'll answer what we need to Win the the chanceto be Competitively The nation's AverageFamily The nation's AverageFamily

(Th~ f()JJotling 5i!J,;tions"f text until

the end of the s,"ene dfe 5ung si/NuUlneo/Js]yl GERAINTBROWN [sung)

Whywaste your time on pointless trivialities? If you were me with only days to live you'd try to spend your time moreproductively If you were staring death eye to eye you wouldnot waste your time Trying to be the AverageFamily! THE BROWNCHILDRENA THE JOHNSONCHILDREN (sung)

Tell the truth Ma, tell the truth", Tell the truth Ma, tell the truth.,. Tell the truth Ma, tell the truth",

Tell the truth Ma, tell the truth,.. Tell the truth Ma, tell

the truth,.,

!fl]

CHILDREN'S CHORUS[sung]

Tell the truth Ma, tell

the truth.,.

Tell the truth Ma, ten ADULT

the truth.,.,

Tell the truth,.,

CHORUS (sung]

dream, there has nev~r been a competition like it in this nation's history Wedon't care what wedo, we'll answer what we need to win the chance to be

We want to win a

The nation's

Average Family, the nation's

Average Family'

~'L~

MARBELLABROWN,JACKIE & JAMIE JOHNSON[sung] Wewant to win." Wewant to win a dream, there has never been a competition like it in this nation's history Wedon't care what we do, we'll answer what we need to win the chance to be The nation's Average Family, the nation's Average Family! TENORS& BASSES (sung]

Wewant to win a dream, we want to win a dream, we want to win a dream, we want to win a dream There has not ever been an opportunity to find competitively the nation's AverageFamily The nation's Average Family!

'-'I

"-'

F

£The other families disperse annoyed by the flhole thi nu. J

leaving

the Brat/lis alont.r on 5t8{1e,

6t!!raint is evidently

much

GERAINT [spo~en, bad temperedly) It's all a stupid waste of time, anyway. 00 you know what the chances are of winningsoMething like th i s1 "ARBELLA[spoken) Don't spoil it for them, Geraint!

It's

just a bit of fun, GERAINT[spoken)

Well, it won't be fun for me, will it? "ARBELLA[spoken]

Go on kids, out of it,

Dad's got a headache, (The

~

children exit)

"ARBELLA[spoken]

What was that all about? 6ERAINT[spoken] You know perfectly

well. MARBELLA[spoken]

Ohnot that nonsenseagain, Geraint. GERAINT[spoken] nonsense a month from today, Marbella,

You won't say it's

You're

in perfect

health

when I'm dead and buried!

MAR8ELLA (spoken] for a man of 38! GERAINT (spoken]

So I'll

be a healthy corpse on my39th birthday, MARBELLA[spoken]

That's just stupid, It's

all

there

in the numbers, Marbella,

GERAINT[spoken) You can't escape

the numbers.

MARBELLA[spoken]

I'm not listening ~

Think about it!

to all this again, They died atexadly

GERAINT [spoken) 13.39 on the thirteenth

day of the thirteenth

.onth.,

MARBELLA[spoken]

Nosuch thing as the thirteenth month! GERAINT[spoken]

January! MARBELLA [tpokenJ RidiclJlous

I

GERAINT (spoken, working himself into a frenzy] The three of us had the same birthday, the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month, three times thirteen is 39, remember that time, 13,39... They were thirteen mileg fro:llllhome when it happened, the numberplate of the other car wn 139. the police officer's numberwag 1313, even the undertaker's phonenumber*had a thirteen and a thirty-nine in it, 1 can't rememberexactly what it was but there's no denying the nuMbers, Marbella...,

{}3J

MARBELLA(shouting over 6eraint's lines from* on~ards) I've heard this all a hundred times before, Geraint, or should I say "three times thirty-nine

times"?

GERAINT[spoken) You may laugh... MARBELLA[spoken)

Thank you! Ha ha ha ha! 6ERAINT[spokenJ

But there are so manylIIore signs 13,39, the first three numbers!

- everywhere I

look! You sail' the lottery

last weekend

- 3,

MARBElLA [spokenJ Andthen 3 numbersthat had nothing to do with your silly patterns, GERAINT (spoken) I'm sure they wouldhave fitted in somehow,I just didn't dare work them out. MARBElLA [spokenJ You are completely obsessed,do you knowthat?

And now there's

GERAINT [spoken)

Juno!

MARBELLA [spoken] What do you lIean, "And MWthere's

Juno"?

I was playing around with the letters

GERAINT[spokenJ of her name",

MARBELLA[spoken with

real bitterness)

Oh. no, you're not going to bring her into this! GERAINT [spokenJ Suddenly it leapt out at me! Take the letters of her two f orenames,subtract the surnue, apply that formula I told you about based on the golden section and guess what you get.., MARBElLA [spoken)

I can't imagine,., GERAINT [spoken) She has the same name number as mine plus 13! You can't get clearer

than that!

MARBElLA (spoken] Enough, enough",

,., .fndshe was born on the thirteenth

GERAINT [spoken) of the Mnth", MARBElLA[spokenJ

,. ,1 don't wantyoupassing on these stupid ideas to mydaughterI ",but

that's

the point.

l1arbella,

MARBELLA (spoken

Don't be so sure, chum...

.., and the , , , wha t1

GERAINT(spokfnJ Juno is ollr daughter,.,

almost under her breath as 6eraint speaks] GERAINT[spoken]

numbersare tell ing me that she's i nherited the Curse of the Browns

\ihat1

lp4I1St!!]

"ARBELLA(spoken] 5ERAINT[spoken]

What did you just say? MARBELLA[spoken] I coundn't get a word in edgewayswith all your ranting and raving, tea. [:,"f/ebegins to It!!4vt!! but ht!!holds her there]

I'm going to make some

cJ;J

GERAINT[spOKen] What

did you say about Juno? MARBELLA (spokenJ

1 don't remember", 6ERAINT[5poken) "Don't be so sure", ""., MARBELLA (spoken)

Well. if you heard lie.., 6ERAINT[spoken] Whatdo you meanby it? MARBELLA [spoken, throwing caution to the winds] Well, what do you think? GERAINT [spoken1 But 1 wasthere whenshewasborn! NineBonthsto the dayafter our wedding! Oh, she's mine all

right,

MARBELLA [spoken] make her yours does it?

but that doesn't necessarily

GERAINT [spoken]

\-/

Whyare you saying this? MARBELLA (spoken] Becaufie it's about fantasy of yours'

Hme you faced up to reality

instead of living

in this stupid paranoid

SERAINT (spoken] But whencould you".

(,.J)

t. r,~ I.

<5""'11),. \

MARBELLA (spoken] 00 you even refl/emberour wedding day? ~The reception,] tledding guests begin drifting

f'\ ~

..-,t

.

.j /

1 :;
the t/edding

onto stige is the s~'ene griduilJ,v evolves into GERAINT [fipoken, puzzled1

What? "ARBELLA[spoken]

The Wedding Reception. i' 11think ing of. GERAINT[fipoken] Of courfie".

it was the MOsttraumatic afternoon of my life. MARBELLA [spoken]

Well, thanks! Y""

6ERAI"T

[spoken)

Don't joke, Marbella, you know what I mean, MARBELLA [spoken)

Well, 1 wasn't exactly happyeither.,. SERAINT [spoken]

1 washappy,perfectly happy until."

well. youknow", MARBELLA (spoken]

But I wafin't. Geraint,

I was in a state of panic.

There I was a girl of 19, dressed up fancy

like a fairy on a Christmas tree. signing away my youth and my freedom before I'd even workedout whoor what I was,

- IY whole identity -

GERAINT [spoken1 I didn't realise

you felt

like that.

MARBELLA [spoken] I wasvery confused. Geraint, and there's something I have to tell you about happened at the reception."

- soMethingthat

{She leads 6eraint at/IY off stige and tt/e MiSS of kleddingguests take over, evidently in the midst of d blJozy wedding re~.eptio", J

@

,

,--' ",.( t ( ~ rJVr I cA ~

V

~

.~ ,~ >

If.

\

' J.,.

~

~~

1.P'

.brld

...

ld.'

LfO ~(jp--;~

~

dT.."."

~~ ou~ftt.

glrh'

p...,..~bly

page-boy

r..lnl.cant

or

t

of

'dickl..-bow'

I~te

outfit.,

70'./..~rly 'or

80'.

boy..,

f~.hlo".,

Poa.lbly

f' (.(I~.b.t

P~.ty

OIo.n1n9

,

PROPS,

~

.andwlch..,

Opened

w.ddlng

ch~..p~g"e

cak..:

bott

party

I..

containing

poppe...

"tr.a.e.",

.ult.

or f,'H

fj~~

pop.

cha..pagne

Vi

, buffet

table

with

plat..

of

conf.tti

FIRST GUEST[sung]

~

~t"

Z, t~ L I'" 0..t' ,'" 'f'\.Ot - 4k

"t'

the ...",

~

JI('J,Ct

~

"

'po.h'

'0.

tiM'- ~

4

~

.

Colourful

COSTU"ES:

~ Z

RJJ-

~)J

~/) hat a glorious day it is. coMing together to witness the I/Ieddingof this beautiful couple

~

1 ,

;fI>i" ,

~~~.

~ ~~' ~~

"

WEDDlNG GUESTS[sung]

Geraint and Marbella, gorgeousGeraint and Marbella FIRST GUEST& SECOND GUEST[sung] What a glorious day it is

WEDDING GUESTS[sung]

GorgeousGeraint and Luscious Marbella

Comingtogether to witness the I/Ieddingof This beautiful couple So well-matched. attractive and talented Loved by everybody -"" What a glorious day it is!

"'-

I

~,e,..

~

~

.J-

Blushing, beautiful Bride Marbella Loved by everybody What a glorious day it iSI

~

a-/)

{6eraint appears it one sih-o'f the stdge, straigtening his tie, ,.otllbinghis hdir, evidently in i side room allliY from the putr, Harbeila appears on the other 5ide in a simi1dr 'separate' 5pa,.e, but in the cc"~nr of one of the guest5, l1~rk, They are tidying each other (JPand there is i 5trong flavour of flirtation ab",'ut their behdviotJr,) WEDDINGGIJESTS [sung] [to herselfHsungJ This should be MYhappy day why do I feel like running far away? Surely Geraint is the manf'Jr me, I love him, yes I do! True love and true hearts Is it true lover Is it true? ~ +C?Q True love and true hearts Do I love him? Yes I do! MARBELLA

~

-

p...et4!1.

MARK[sp"kenJ It should have been

le. Marbella! MARBELLA [spoken]

Oh get bad in there,

you!

I'll

leave a decent interval...

'\

{~"hegives l1ar~'a kiss and he retilrns to the Reception]

---

(.s

~

pi

I J

I'IARBELLA [sunl~J

Whydo I feel ropes around MY neck? Whydo I feel the grip of b~nds and sha(kles

Slowly tightening around.y

<-~..

,

~~~

$hall 1 be faithful Or shall

-)

legs, myarms, .y heart?

and true?

t

,

I betray, you?

1'"j~"'~~~4~U '-k.1"

../"

True love and true hearts - True love and true hearts ..-

"(

"Jl FIRSTGUEST (sung] ~.r-.,..a~~t'

Wh~a glorious-5ay It is, coming together to witness the wedding of this beautiful

couple

WEDDINGGUESTS[sung]

Geraint and Marbella, gorgeous 6eraint and HarbiUa WEDDING GIJESTS[sungJ Gorgeous Geraint and Lus(ious Marbella Blushing, beautiful

FIRST GUEST& SECOND eUEST[sung] What a glorious day it is Coming together to witness the wedding of This beautiful couple

~"t

(Frolllopposite side of the stage Geraint and l1arbella

.~

middle and ellJbn.cs,

l .c,\

The guests

~-

shaftsr

them ,dth

...

-..

So well-latched, attractive Loved by everybody

Vllhataglo~.riousdayitis!

--\,-\~

a.. e..~"~ '-'~

~

and talented

-

-

11- '"

entrdl7Ce, and 5treiDlersJ

-

~

They Meet in the

"

WEDDING GU£STS[sung) er ide l'Iarbella Loved by everybody

FIRST GUEST& SECOND 6UESTCsungJ ~

Make a grind

ccnfetti

1

~

rt)"

.

Whata glorious day it isl ~

~

~~

~ ~ : t ~

~

got toI .

-

- have been 1ike a second set

of parents, [' ve not knownl1arbella for long, but I think I can safely say that I'm not losing a friend. but gaining a sister,

.

~_\A'

[The First 6iJest (Sest Han) steps for/llard and stands bet/lleen the nfJIli,v-i'eds to MakeI speech} FIRST GUEST[spoken] wherever they've 6eraint 's been like a brother to me, And his Mumand Dad. Ben and Jennifer

.

~~ Jrt

WEDDING GtJESTS(sentimental

sigh]

Aaaahhh, , ,

FIRSTGUEST [spoken] To the happy couple! WEDDING

The happy

GUESTS[spoken]

couple! ETheydrink a toast

thInsing,.. )

WEDDING GUESTS[sung]

1if-

'-

[repeltseveral

Q~

~

times under soloists'

/ ~... ~

~~

lines}

«,si)l

.

~

"

f


6ERAINT[sun~]

,

.

.

- you will

,f .

[,f' ,~1., :. -I."',

-'-"'"

~t&~~

-I~

J.:L

1~r> '4"&1

{..b.':C.

.

~

C

. .,-

to lie

)

t..JIi c. ( Aft (c rv-.L-

alflays be nobody's but .ine "( 1 Froll today weare one body and we know blood is thicker than water, richer than wine You will always be faithful

I'IARBELLA [sung] Vouwill always be faithful to ~e you will always be nobody's but Mine Weare one body. and blood is thicker than water, richer than wine

-

SERA!NT [sung]

/,

s~

Wherewould we be without young love1 What would be huManity's fate1 What would we become without renewal of the humanrace?

Youwill alwaysbe faithful to le

You will

,

You will always be nobody's but ~ine FroMtoday we are one body and we know

You will always be nobody's but line Weare one body and Blood is thicker than water Richer than wine

Blood is thicker than water Richer than wine [~

tRf! ~isi1

I'IARBELLA[sung] always be faithful to le

M;l!' 9'AUA~ FI!1-tf1-6ir!i,p~e

s:glin 'Imf f'e~n

lpJ4.li,except lor the one,9uest, Steve, thdt, ~:~b~I{1 je,pds oIl to...~e: 'side rool/) ) Q c-. ~ )~ (.U.. C-"r> ,. ,Hie ~ ..

--

t

t

.

.

[spoken]

I1ARBELLA

~Co"e on, Steve. just for old tile's

Harbella!Areyousure?

salo'.e, STEVE[spoken] PlARBELLA[spIJken]

(

h..

v'.

~~..~-

.

~

I ..

c -' ~

-

-

I"J J~~"~

i~1

in-ftirJ'w

...1-

of

t .~

--

c;

\

[She sings as they stdnd in a ,"lin,"h} MARBELLA [sung]

Today I lock the door, today I choose no lore To play the games I've played with hearts. .inds and bodies Of the men and boys, Manymen and many boys I've known Today [ change my ways, froll today I shall not wander froll Thestraight and narrowpath that I knowwill lead tIJ happiness After today I'll be a good girl [She leldl him ollgtage and the 6ut!sts col/e ba,";: to life} FIRSTGVEST[sung] day it is. coming together to witness the wedding of this beautiful

couple

WEDDINGGUESTS [sung]

6eraint and "arbella.

~.,' i" \

M6 !

. \~),

Shhhh!!

What a glorious

I)

~

gorgeous 6eraint and "arbella

@

",'

r"r:?!,

FIRSTGUEST & SECOND 6UEST(sungJ What a glorious day it is CoMingtogether to witness the weddingof This beautiful couple So well-matched, attractive and talented Loved by everybody What a glorious day it is! What a glorious day it is! What a glorious day it is!

WEDDING

GUESTS(sungJ

GorgeousGeraint and Luscious Marbella Blushing, beautiful Bride Marbella Loved by everybody What a glorious day it is! What a glorious day it is' What a glorious day it is!

lA numberof the guests aorld rOl.lnd6erdint and bombardhilJJOIith questions and ~-o"llents, giving him no time to reply) GUEST(spoken) Where

ire your Mumand Dad, anyway, 6eraint?

GIlEST(spoken) not like them to Miss out on a boozeup. GUEST (spoken) Haveyou had a messagefrom them? It's

~

GUEST[spokenJ Whendid you last

see them? GUEST [spoken1

Ben and Jennifer

would never Miss a party GUEST [spoken]

Especially not your wedding, Geraint, surely?

GUEST [spokenJ Haveyou fallen out with them or something? £In in atte/llpt to rllg~'lIe6erdint from the incessant questioning,

the Best !fan intervenes)

FIRST GUEST(sung1 Everybody knows by now Ben and Jennifer

GERAINT (sung1 ...my Mu. and Dad!

Havenot shownup yet SECOND GUEST[sungJ Still fast asleep I bet! GERAINTCsung)

of you knowthat as well as being myweddingday Today is mybirthday, my Mum's birthday, Dad's birthday!

Most

,

GERAINT,GUEST1, GUEST2 (sung) What a lot of things to celebrate!

WEDDING GUESTS [sung) What a lot of things to celebrate! What a lot of things to celebrate

What a lot of things to celebrate! Onone single day!

On one tingle day!

6ERAINT[sung]

WEDDING

GUEST1 [sungJ

Everybodyknowsby nowBenand Jennifer... ,..my Mumand Dad!

SERA INT . [sung] more could an only child

What

...are morelike brother and sister to Their beloved only son, Geraint WEDDING ~ilJESTS [sung] Their beloved only son, Geraintl

ask for? More

like brother and sister than parent! to

What Rore could an only child ask for?

Nowhe's

Their beloved only son, Geraint

FIRSTGUEST [sungJ going to tell us whyBenand Jennifer,.,

Iiil

GERAINT [sung] MyHumand Dad!

WEDDING GUESTS[sung) Ben and Jennifer, your Humand Dad FIRST GUESTCsung)

".have not shownup yet SECOND GUESTA FIRST GUEST(sung]

Surely they would not forget their own son's wedding!? ~EDDING GUESTS [sung] Still fast asleep I bet! Snoring at homein bed!

SECOND GUEST[sung] Surely they would Not forget!

GERAINT [sung] Host of you knowthat myMumand Dadand I quite like To do the rounds, Roseand Crown,Duckand Pike, Fox and Hounds,.. WEDDING GUESTS [sung] SwanHotel, Lost and Found Ring of Bells, Fox and Hounds

"'-'

GERAINT, FIRSTGUEST,SECOND GUEST (sung] Whata lot of public housesthere Are in this town!

WEDDING GUESTS[sung] What a lot of public houses There are in this town!

FIRST GUEST,SECOND GUEST[sung)

Whata lot of public houses!

l/'lirbeJid and Steve return to the rth-eptil1n is tlnobt,,'usively 35 possible., both looking a little rumpled, /'Iarbellti returns briefly to 6eraint '5 side, but she looR's tlnt"o//lforfibJe and lIorried. GERAINT [sung) Mumand Dad and I did not really want to wait until today To celebrate our three birthdays so last night we had a little

drop or two to drink."

WEDDING GI)ESTS (sung]

Hada little

drop or TENto drink!

Weall

]

know

Everybodyknowsonce those three get going Theycould drink enough To drownthe town

FIRST GUEST[sung] those three can put it away'

FIRST~ SECOND GUEST [sung] Theycould drink enough To drown the town FIRST 6UEST[sung] Are you trying

to tell

us that Ben and Jennifer...

WEDDING GUESTS[sung) Ben and Jennifer, your Mumand Dad

GERAINT[sung]

My I'tumand Dad'

~

FIRSTGUEST [sung] Havenot shownup yet 'cause they're sleeping off a Hangover? Are they sleeping off a Hangover1,

WEDDINGGIJESTS[sung]

Hangover home in bed Hangover homein bed'

EiERAINT[sung] I do not know

for sure, but that's

.y best guess yes!

l/'l/Jrbell/J I1hispers in the lUlr of yet /Jn~'ther guest, into the 'siiN NJt'fi

J~"'In, Ind Jr!!ddshiM IWiy frolR thi! party

to)

WEDDING 61)E5T5.FIRST & SECOND GUEST(sung] Ben and Jennifer don't know when to stop! Ben and Jennifer go over the top! Ben and Jennifer, they love their booze' Ben and Jennifer are going to lose out!

£The rh..m;5 freeze,

GERAINT[sung] Don't be hard on Them, they are they Best friends I could Ever wish for!

/'Iirbell/J is ~.lJddJingJohn as she sing5J MARBELLA[sung]

I knowthis seemsstrange to you, but this is what I need to de To prove to Myself I amfree, to prove to myself that I still am Me!

@

(/ledding guests unfreeze just long enough to sing their lines) WEDDING

ItARBELLA(sung) Do you $ee ,e? Am I clear?

GUESTS[sungJ

Where is Itarbella? Where is Itarbella?

Prove to.e

that I'e still

here'"

MARBELLA [$ungJ

I .:an feel the walls clt,se in, I feel this stupid costuMe I aM in Hide my identity, I need you nowto prove that I amle! Cl/elidingguests t1gain unfreeze just long enough to sing their lines) ItARBELLA(9ung)

WEDDINGGUESTS(sungJ

00 you see le?

Where is "arbella? Where i$ "arbella?

,

Am f

Prove to.e that 11. still MARBELLA (sungJ Whatdo they want of me? Whydo they need to see the perfect bride in perfect white? [ do not understand what they want me to be, to do, to say I cannot live up to their expectations

(As Hafbella leads Steve offstage, changed)

the /ledding party comes fully to life,

clear? here!"

Dut the I/Ioodhds I'IARBELLA [sungJ

[sung) Where's Morbella now? Where'sMarbella now? WEDDING GUESTS

I want

to be le",

Where's Marbella, where's Marbella now?

Does she realise

what

day it

is?

GUEST3 (sungJ think it!

You'd hardly

GUEST 4 [sung]

Marbella never seems to do what others do! GUEST5 [sungJ

I think it's [Unnoticed

-'

really rather rude to hide away! l1y 110st of the guests, a f'olicetllomanIppear!J on the edge of the group and discreetly

attracts the Best Hin's ittention, onctinues.l Howembarrassed darling poor

6eraint

TfleyspeaK together at the side of the stige as the l1usk f "" ,:, f" .,. ..."''t'~' ~ <-t., ., , ,) ,.

GUEST6 (sung) lust be! CHORUS1

Where is she hiding?

Doesshe realise

She should really

CHORUS1

here!

61)E517 [sung) that now she. is a wife she should be settling

down, no lore gallavanting!

[sungJ

lend her ways, lend her ways!

[sung)

Mar,.,bel."la., CHORUS1

r

~ 2 [sung)

be with her guests

CHORUS3

Marbella lust

.

(sung3

MUSt, , ,

GUEST 9 (sung] FroM this day forth she Must "end her ways! eUEST9 (sung) She is a child no longer! Nowshe's a wife she must take full responsibility for

"end her ways!

(~