Science And Math Humour

Science & Math Humour

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Gautam G Soman For NeuralNet

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/neuraldtnet

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Data Compiled From: OXymoron Humour Archive <mailto:[email protected]> MathOnLine Mathematical humor collected by Andrej and Elena Cherkaev Andrej's homepage http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/index.html Elena's homepage F

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1. Chemistry 2. Physics 3. Mathematics 4. Scientists & Mathematicians 5. Anecdotes About Great Minds

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Pages 03-14 Pages 15- 25 Pages 26- 37 Pages 38- 50 Pages 51- 60

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CHEMISTRY Chemical Dictionary THE LAST WORD The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee. Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria. Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling alcohol. Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix; 5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit. Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun. Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY) Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released. Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time. Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion. Flame Test: Trial by fire. Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table. Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease. Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications.

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Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions. Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer. Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY). Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe. Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility. Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state. Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory. Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile. SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle". Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors. Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY). ------------------------------------------------------From: "Gautam Subbarao" My name is Bond - Covalent Bond. What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from? Separation anxiety A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the Bunsen burner: "Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined. "It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner. Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just couldn't put it down.

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Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron? A: KNiFe. "Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?" "I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time." "My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you." "I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population." "What kind of Poisson would say something like this?" -----------------------------------------------------These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world. -----------------------------------------Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------And why does a white bear melt in water? Because it's polar. -----------------------------------------------------------------------One of my T-shirts has the symbols: C Ho Co La Te "Better living through Chemistry" ----------------------------------------------------------------------Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! The Invisible Killer Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death. Dihydrogen monoxide: • is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain. • contributes to the "greenhouse effect." • may cause severe burns. • contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. • accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. • may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. • has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions! Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California. Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used: • as an industrial solvent and coolant. • in nuclear power plants. • in the production of styrofoam. • as a fire retardant. • in many forms of cruel animal research. • in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical. • as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products. Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer! The Horror Must Be Stopped! The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use. Visit DHMO Central

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Chemical Analysis Of Man Element: Man Symbol: Ah Mass: ranges from 50Kg to 200Kg Discover: Eve Occurrences: Found following dual element Wo often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. (Experimental evidence: any beach on any coast) Physical properties: Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol) Tends to fall into very low energy state dirrectly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with poluted form of the Wo common ore. Chemical properties: All forms desire reaction with Wo even when no further reaction is possible. May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. Usually willing to react with what ever is available. Reaction Rates range from aborted/non- existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red and send it to react with Sa, the sex analysist) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. Storage: Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favourable reaction style. Uses: Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo ... Tests: Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. Caution: Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions. Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Sue Sinclair, May 1995. ------------------------------------------------------------------------This is a story of two students who wanted to celebrate the long and light summer evening by fishing in their boat in the Norwegian fjord. But first they went to the lab, grabbed a bottle with the magic label 96%, and set off. After some time, the one said to the other: - I am afraid we have done something wrong. This is not ethanol, it is sulphuric acid. - I know. I have just peed a hole in the boat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Finally Released: The Source Of Administratium Scientists have released the secret of the source of Administratium; Administratium is refined from a repulsive amorphous material similar to a thick petroleum tar but much more viscous and sticky. This substance is known as Bureaucratite. Bureaucratite should be avidly avoided as it almost completely freezes progress. Anything unfortunate enough to venture into a deposit of Bureaucratite is instantly trapped and becomes entirely coated with the bituminous mess, although it may take weeks or months to sink out of sight into a deposit. Many creatures, long extinct, have been discovered within such quagmires but better preserved than those found in ice or tar pits. Extraction from a deposit, should one be so lucky, is always excrutiatingly long and painful and rarely completely successful. Many unfortunates are haunted by innocuous bits of the stuff which always turn up in the most unexpected places and inconvenient times. People unlucky enough to have been exposed to bureaucratite have exhibited dangerously raised blood pressures, heart rates and bodily temperatures along with extremes of emotion. Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Ron von Schilling, September 1999. --------------------------------------------From: Paul Armitage ... and here's a nice phrase my old chemistry teacher taught us: "All that glitters is not gold, but at least it contains free electrons" ---------------------------------------------.. CHAPTER 5: AN OVERVIEW OF ORGANIC REACTIONS Dan was shopping for some organic bean sprouts when he bumped into Melissa. "Oh! You like organic stuff too?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "and I know this great organic cafe..." .. CHAPTER 11: REACTIONS OF ALKYL HALIDES: NUCLEOPHILIC SUBSTITUTIONS AND ELIMINATIONS "Oh no," thought Dan. She already has a boyfriend. I must substitute myself for him! But how? And then a light came on in his mind. "I can eliminate him using an alkyl halide nucleophile!" .. CHAPTER 30: THE ORGANIC CHEMISTRY OF METABOLIC PATHWAYS And so, they lived happily ever after on the pathway of love... -----------------------------------------------------Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate! -------------------------------------------------------------------------A male polar bear and a female brown bear are sitting at a bar. Polar Bear: Sorry babe, I just don't think the chemistry is right. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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The Chemist's Recipie For Chocolate Chip Cookies The following recipie for chocolate chip cookies recently appeared in Chemical & Engineering News (C&EN, Jun 19, 1995, p. 100). It was attributed to Jeannene Ackerman of Witco Corp. Ingredients: 1. 532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite 4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride 5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde 8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao 10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat-transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr add one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm add four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogeneous. To reactor #2 add eight followed by three equal portions of the homogeneous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add nine and ten slowly with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25 deg. C heat-transfer table allowing the product to come to equilibrium. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit. --Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Joe Astorino © 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------"Not all chemicals are bad. For instance, without hydrogen and oxygen we cannot make water, an essential ingredient in beer" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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A ubiquitous Fe-rich Male compound - FeMale - posesses a considerable number of beneficial properties. Frequently highly decorative in the native form, FeMale is a proven aphrodisiac and a versatile detergent. There are also reasons to believe that FeMale plays a crucial role in human reproduction and child-rearing. Despite the existence of vast archives of experimental data, the reaction pathways involving FeMale are at best poorly understood. FeMale is unstable in an oxydizing atmosphere and has been known to spontaneously ignite at room temperature. As a consequence FeMale is rather difficult to work with. The magnetic behaviour points towards polymorphism. It varies from sample to sample ranging from moderately antiferromagnetic to very strongly ferromagnetic. Curiously, some antiferromagnetic specimens appear to undergo a spin transition when exposed to alcohol-rich atmospheres (the well documented Beer-Goggles effect). Given the availability of reactive Fe, FeMale forms readily in Male- dominated environments and under favourable circumstances may persist over geological time. FeMale may thus prove to be of considerable importance on a global scale as an Fe- and Male- reservoir. -----------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Johnny, what's H2SO4? Johnny : Er, hang on. I know this one. It's on the tip of my tongue... Teacher: Well spit it out quick, it's sulphuric acid! ----------------------------------------------------------------------Top Ten Ways To Get Thrown Out Of The Chemistry Lab 10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others. 9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK." 7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again." 6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!" 5. Deny the existence of chemicals. 4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it. 3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. 2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulphuric acid 1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Last Words Of A Chemist... 1. And now the tasting test. 2. May that become hot? 3. And now a little bit from this... 4. ... and please keep that test tube alone! 5. And now shake it a bit. 6. Why is there no label on this bottle? 7. In which glass was my mineral water? 8. The bunsen burner *is* out! 9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!? 10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn... 11. Oh, now I have spilt something... 12. First the acid, then the water... 13. And now the detonating gas problem. 14. This is a completely safe experimental setup. 15. Where did I put my gloves? 16. Oh no, wrong beaker... 17. The fire alarm is just being tested. 18. Now you can take the protection window away... 19. And now keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27... 20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!? 21. Is 15 seconds too long? 22. Something is wrong here... 23. Where did all those holes in my kettle come from? 24. Trust me - I know what I am doing. 25. And now a cigarette... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What did one titration say to the other? A: Let's meet at the endpoint! Q: What do you pay a policeman attending evening chemistry classes? A: Copper Nitrate 1. What did one atom tell another? - I think I lost an electron - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm positive. 2. A small piece of sodium which lived in a testube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I melt whenever I see you" said the sodium.The bunsen burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going through". 3. Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".

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4. A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender: " How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and says: "For you, it's no charge". 5. Why did the white bear dissolve in water? - Because it was polar. 6. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? - A one molar solution. 7. What do dipoles say in passing? - Have you got a moment? 9. What do you do with a dead chemist? - Barium 10. What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? - A KNiFe. 12. What happens when electrons lose their energy? - They get Bohr'd. 13. What did one titration tell the other? - Let's meet at the endpoint. 14. Why are chemists great for solving problems? - They have all the solutions. 15. Do you know what happened to the chemist who was reading a book about Helium? - He just couldn't put it down. 16. A florence flask was getting dressed for the opera. All of a sudden she screamed: "Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!". The husband replied: "Take it easy honey, do not overreact. We'll find a solution". 17. Why do chemistry - Because it's basic stuff.

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19. What did the match tell the flame? -Baby, you make me lose my head. 21. How many moles are in a guacamole? -Avocado's number. 22. Why did the ice cube get divorced? -His wife said he was too cold.

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23. Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen? -They bonded well from the minute they met. 24. What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties? - Methylated spirits. 25. If H20 is water what is H204? -Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . . 28. Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Massachusetts. They did pretty well on all the quizzes, midterms and exams and had a solid "A" going into the final. They were so confident that the weekend before finals they decided to go out and party. They had a great time, however, they were hung over the next day and didn't make it to the final on time. After the final, they met with the professor to explain why they were late. They told him that they "had a flat tire" on their way to school. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, that's why they were late in getting to campus. The professor thought it over and told them they could make up the final the next day. The two guys were relieved. The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and handed them the test booklet. They looked at the first problem which was worth 5 points. It was a simple question involving molarity calculations. "Cool" they thought." This is gonna be easy". They answered the question and turned the page. They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire? 29. How do chemists do it? Chemists do it reactively Chemists do it on the bench Electrochemists have more potential Polymer chemists do it in chains 30. A psychotic chemist came home from work and had a big fight with his wife. In the heat of the moment, he grabbed a bottle of some lethal chemical substance and forced her to drink it while he screamed: " Die Ethyl, die". The wife dropped dead on the floor and the neighbors who were watching the scene, decided to call the police. The policemen arrived and arrested the chemist. One of them asked: Was there any reason for you to kill your wife? The chemist replied: " There was no chemistry between us. We never bonded well although we tried.In the compound where we lived, our temperaments collided. She always responded negatively to my comments. Our relationship was unstable. There was no possible solution. She had an attitude and I was explosive. Finally, I overreacted. But now I'm glad it's over. I'm in equilibrium again.I will feel free even behind the irons." ******************************************************

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PHYSICS

My friend once saw a question like this on his physics final: How would you use a baramoter to find the height of a building. 1. Find someone who knows how tall the building is, and trade him the barometer for the information.< teacher rejects: not a property characteristic of the barometer> 2. Measure the height of the barometer. Scale the side of the building, measuring its height in barometer-units.< rejected: uses no basic scientific principles> 3. Drop the barometer from the top of the building. Measure the time until it hits the street. Correcting for the mass/surface ratio of the instrument, use basic acceleration equation to find the height.< rejected: barometer is no longer a barometer> 4. Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from roof to almost ground. Swing. Period of pendulum can be used to find distance from barometer's Center of Gravity to top of building. Add displacement from CG to bottom of barometer; this is height.< rejected: does not incorporate barometer's intended function> 5. Take the barometer outside on a sunny day, measure its shadow and the buildings shadow.< rejected: cloudy today> 6. Sell the barometer. Purchase a tape measure long enough to measure the height of the building.< rejected: this is not a business course.> 7. Give the barometer as a prize to the one who comes up with the most accurate measurement of the building's height.< rejected: you have to return the barometer after you finish.> 8. Measure the barometric pressure at the top and bottom of the building. Plug these into the equation in the book and spit out the answer.< accepted: Finally, what the teacher wanted.> • Time My Extra Second Well, folks, we get an extra second today at 7 P.M.. CST (USA) on July 1, 1994. What are YOU going to do with all this extra time on your hands? Personally, I've decided to save mine. I figure if I live at least 60 years, that gives me one extra minute. I'm asking God to give me that one saved-up minute on my death bed when they all think I've finally croaked to raise back up and get that one last word in edgewise! [email protected] or [email protected] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Time Travel Seminar To whom it may concern, There will be a seminar given on the subject of time travel in the 21st century. It will be held on Thursday, January 1, 1920 at 12:00:01AM. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Buttered Toast And Cats Q. This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet. But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on it's feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground? Mike A. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them. And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using the aforementioned anti-gravity device. One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the cats are all held in stasis? I offer a modest proposal: We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Lasers Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvini's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists developed the laser, an electronic appliance that emits a beam of light so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer two thousand yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations on the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "VAPORIZE BULLDOZER" to "DELICATE." ... also from the book Bad Habits by Dave Barry (it's superb). Why The Sky Is Blue By John Ciardi I don't suppose you happen to know Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow Takes out the white. That leaves it clean For the trees and grass to take out the green. Then pears and bananas start to mellow, And bit by bit they take out the yellow. The sunsets, of course, take out the red And pour it into the ocean bed Or behind the mountains in the west. You take all that out and the rest Couldn't be anything else but blue. Look for yourself. You can see it's true. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sun Light That reminds me of an exchange which I observed back then, at the University of Arizona. A couple were walking across campus just ahead of me. As we passed the newly sodded area around a recently completed building, the coed commented about how fast the grass was growing. "Yes," nodded her date knowingly, "that's because of the extra hour of daylight it gets." "Oooh," she said, as her eyes widened and she gave this paragon of wisdom an admiring glance. Bob Terry [email protected] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Snail Humor When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident. "I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast." ------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Electricity : Hamster Power: 42 ways to get electric power from hamsters 1. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine. 2. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current. 3. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use like turbine to generate electricity. 4. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine. 5. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff. 7. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator. 8. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out! 9. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells. 10. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power. 12. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine. 13. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time. -gwh 14. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter -- a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power.... 15. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free. 16. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want. 17. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine. 18. Emmass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamster fusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to electricity. 19. Throw in more hamsters to (above) until the hamster star goes supernova... you couldn't want any more energy than that... 20. Repeat with another mass of hamsters... spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit... use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine. 21. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires. 22. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice. -ERic 23. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.

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Simple Experiment Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" Electrical Circuit It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream an collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" Amazing Fact If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" Electrons Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" Current The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" Electronics A friend of mine has a theory about things electronic- they operate on smoke. It is very important for each component to have the correct amount of smoke, which is sealed inside at the factory. If this smoke ever gets out, the part is no longer functional. This is true- how many times have you ever seen an electrical or electronic device work right after smoke has been emitted?

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Relativity I was going how fast??? Let us assume that you get a car that can travel the speed of light and you begin to unravel these age old mysteries... WHEN SUDDENLY... You are faced with an even more dreadful question If you're driving at the speed of light and get pulled over by an Oakwood Taxicop... What kind of fine are you gonna pay?? And believe me you are gonna pay... He ain't gonna buy the line.. "669,600,000 mph!! That's impossible, my car shimmies at 500,000,000 mph!" And he ain't gonna take the excuse that you didn't realize how fast you were going... "Didn't you notice the Blue Shift ,son." After doing some research (No, I did not recently get a ticket) I found that the fair city of Oakwood charges $1 for every 1 mph over the speed limit. So if you were pulled over for doing 669,600,000 in a 35 zone you would be charged $669,599,965 + a $33 court fee = $669,599,998. This does not include such subsequent fines as reckless operation, not wearing a seat belt, and DWI (Let's face it if you stopped for an Oakwood cop while doing light speed , you'd have to be drunk. Oakwood is roughly 2 miles across... You'd be out of his jurisdiction in 0.00001 Seconds) A couple of other stats concerning a car capable of light speed. You'd flip the odometer in .537 seconds and need to change the oil every .053 seconds. I don't even want to get into the amount of gas it would use and at the current gas prices maybe a ticket isn't your first concern. •

Faster Then C Q: Why is the speed of light only 186,000 miles per second? Can't science do better than this? A: Yes, you're right. It's a disgrace that light only goes a measly 186,000 miles per second, but physicists are working on the problem. There is already a prototype vehicle that goes 200,000 miles per second, but the headlights shine at only 186,000 miles per second. This is equivalent to driving down the freeway the wrong way with the headlights not only *out* but also chasing you down the road. This is why so many scientists today no longer own a driver's license. Ask Dr. Science Slow Light Q: What would happen if the speed of light were only sixty miles per hour? A: As we approach the speed of light, the aging process slows down. So, if the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, we would have even more people speeding, especially older people trying to stay young. As a matter of fact, physics would demand that we go faster than the speed of light. The safest thing is to drive at a steady sixty to keep time and the highway patrol off our necks. Airplanes would become obsolete in this slow light world, because you would be going so fast, relatively speaking, that you'd be back before you even left. This would make business trips unnecessary and lead to economic collapse. So, to answer your question, life, if the speed of light were sixty miles per hour, would be youthful, fast, and dark. Ask Dr. Science

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Strange Signs "MAN WANTED To work nuclear fission isotope molecule reactive counters and three-phase cyclotronic uranium photosynthesizers. No experience necessary." Product Warnings The following are possible product warnings that might be required on a package of any and every product, based on the laws of physics. •

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

•

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

•

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

•

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

•

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

•

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

•

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

•

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

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•

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

•

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

•

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

•

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

•

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

•

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

•

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

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Unified Field Theory By Tim Joseph In the beginning there was Aristotle, At objects at rest tended to remain at rest, And objects in motion tended to come to rest, And soon everything was at rest, And God saw that it was boring. Then God created Newton, And objects at rest tended to remain at rest, But objects in motion tended to remain in motion, And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and matter was conserved, And God saw that it was conservative. Then God created Einstein, And everything was relative, And fast things became short, And straight things became curved, And the universe was filled with inertial frames, And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was especially relative. Then God created Bohr, And there was the principle, And the principle was quantum, And all things were quantified, But some things were still relative, And God saw that it was confusing. Then God was going to create Ferguson, And Ferguson would have unified, And he would have fielded a theory, And all would have been one, But it was the seventh day, And God rested, And objects at rest tend to remain at rest. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Are You A Physicist? You might be a Physics Student... • if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. • if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division. • if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. • if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. • if you always do homework on Friday nights. • if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water. • if you think in "maths." • if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges. • if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function. • if you have a pet named after a scientist. • if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. • if the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. • if you can translate English into Binary. • if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab. • If you are completely addicted to caffeine. • if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe. • if you consider ANY non-science course "easy." • if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. • if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. • if you understood more than five of these indicators. • if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door. If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a physics student. I hope this clears up any confusion. Created by Jason Lisle. -------------------------------------------------------------

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Kid's Ideas About Science From the Boston Globe: The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.' Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. Talc is found on rocks and on babies. The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. ******************************************************

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MATHEMATICS 97.3% of all statistics are just made up. ----------------------------------------------------Did you hear the one about the statistician? Probably... ----------------------------------------------------------3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population. ----------------------------------------------------------Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats. ---------------------------------------------------Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal. But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor. ------------------------------------------------------Theorem: All positive integers are interesting. Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction. --------------------------------------------------Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. Proof (By Intimidation): Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It is also wellknown that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in back. 4+2=6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. ------------------------------------------------------------------Theorem: A cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. -------------------------------------------------------------------1+1=3, for very large values of 1. ------------------------------------------------------------------Dean to the physics department: "Why do I always have to give You guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't You be like the maths department? All they need is money for pencils, paper, and wastepaper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need is money for pencils and paper!" ---------------------------------------------------Answering machine message: "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again." --------------------------------------------------------------------

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Question: How many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? Answer: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Question: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Strip? Answer: To get to the other... um... er... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------Question: What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist? Answer: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while a physicist wants more data. -------------------------------------------------------------If it wasn't for Thomas Edison, we'd all be watching TV to the light of a candle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------There are three types of mathematicians: Those who can count, and those who can't count. -------------------------------------------------------------------------It has been proved that women only ever use 12% of their brain. The other half is never used. -----------------------------------------------------------------As Derivation approached, all functions fled, except the Natural Exponential: - "Don't you fear me?" says Derivation. - "I am e to the x, you can't touch me." - "Oh, but who says I differentiate along x?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------A student comes to the department with a shiny new cup, the sort of which you get when having won something. He explained: I won it in the MD Math Contest. They asked what 7 + 7 is. I said 12 and got 3rd place! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? Answer: A senior high school math problem. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

is

x...

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Is it really just to get to the other side? Scientific explanations: The fittest chickens cross roads. [Darwin] The road moved beneath the chicken. [Einstein] Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion cross roads. [Newton] We're not sure which side of the road the chicken was on. [Heisenberg] There was already a chicken on this side of the road. [Pauli] Unscientific ones: For fun. [Epicurus] It had a dream. [Martin Luther King Jr.] Because the road was there. [Sir Edmund Hilary] If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! [Mr. T.] Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. [Torquemada] None of your business: We own the chicken and we own the road. [Bill Gates] The chicken did not --I repeat: did not-- cross the road. [Richard Nixon] The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. [Mark Twain] That's the way it is. [Walter Cronkite] I missed one? [Colonel Sanders] Define "road". [Bill Clinton] Philosophical perspectives: It was a historical inevitability. [Karl Marx] It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads. [Aristotle] He was exercising his natural right to liberty. [John Locke] Gaze too long across the Road and the Road gazes across you. [Nietzsche] The possibility was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road". [Wittgenstein] If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. [Buddha] Spinoff: Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? A: To get to the same side. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart. The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?' The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?' The physics-students ask: `Why?' The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?' The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?' The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?' The laws-students answer: `We already have.' The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'

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Our Top Picks Of Funny Units... In the Troy system of units, the millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. Its value in natural units [natural beauty] is about 0.001098612. A microhelen is roughly the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. The microcentury is 52 minutes and 35.76 seconds and was introduced by Enrico Fermi as the "standard" duration of a lecture period. It's equal to exactly 3155.76 s, as an exact submultiple of the scientific Julian century, which is defined to be equal to 36525 days of 86400 (SI) seconds each. The attoparsec (apc) is the only official SI unit in this dubious bunch, it's equal to about an inch (or 1¼", more precisely, 3.08567758 cm)... Well, as they say, "Give some people an attoparsec and they'll take 16.09344 tera-ångströms." A nanoacre is exactly 4.0468564224 mm2. The microfortnight is about one second (more precisely, 1.2096 s). The furlong per fortnight is about 2 ft per hour (0.1663 mm/s). The millicochrane and microcochrane are submultiples of a unit of subspace distortion, named after Zefram Cochrane (2030-2117). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------An insane mathematician gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" Everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one lady stays. The guy comes up to her and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" The lady calmly answers: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x ." The shortest math joke: let epsilon be < 0 Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? A: To get to the other ... er, um ... Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Two mathematicians are studying a convergent series. The first one says: "Do you realize that the series converges even when all the terms are made positive?" The second one asks: "Are you sure?" "Absolutely!"

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Mnemonics Mnemonics Neatly Eliminate Man's Only Nemesis: Insufficient Cerebral Storage... My Nasty Editor Might Occasionally Not Interpret Commas... Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally. [Operator Precedence: Parentheses, Exponent, Multiply, Divide, Add, Subtract] Important! Very eXcellent Learning Can Demand Memorizing. [Roman numerals: I V X L C D M] King Hector Doesn't (Usually) Drink Cold Milk. [Original Metric Prefixes (1793): kilo, hecto, deca, (unity), deci, centi, milli] Dairy Cows Make Milk Not Pink Fruit, Airhead! [Metric submultiples: deci, centi, milli, micro, nano, pico, femto, atto] Those Girls Can Flirt And Other Queer Things Can Do. [Mohs' scale: Talc, Gypsum, Calcite, Fluorite, Apatite, Orthoclase, Quartz, Topaz, Corundum, Diamond] Pregnant Virgins Never Reveal the Truth [Ideal Gas Law: PV = nRT ] OIL RIG [Redox Reactions: Oxidation Is Loss (of electrons); Reduction Is Gain.] Cary Grant eXpects Unanimous Votes In Movie Reviews. [Electromagnetic spectrum, highest frequency first: Cosmic rays, Gamma rays, X-rays, Ultraviolet, Visible, Infrared, Microwaves, Radio waves] My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets. [Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto] Mon vieux, tu m'as jetté sur une nouvelle planète. [Mercure, Vénus, Terre, Mars, Jupiter, Saturne, Uranus, Neptune, Pluton] Roy G. Biv (Richard Of York Gave Battle in Vain) [Colors of the Rainbow: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------Numerical values Count the number of letters in each word to obtain each digit of the number. (A ten-letter word represents a zero digit.) c = 299792458 m/s [= Speed of Light = Einstein's Constant] - My ingenious astronomy student remembers an easy light mnemonic. - We guarantee certainty, clearly referring to this light mnemonic.

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e = 2.718281828459045235360287471352662497757247... - By omnibus, I traveled to Brooklyn. [271828 -- David Mage] - It enables a numskull to memorize a quantity of numerals. [2718281828 -- Gene Widhoff] - I'm forming a mnemonic to remember a function in analysis. [2718281828 -- Maxey Brooke] - It repeats: A constant of calculus, a constant of calculus. [2718281828 -- Jeffrey Strehlow] - To distrupt a playroom is commonly a practice of children. [2718281828 -- Joseph J Guiteras] - To express e, remember to memorize a sentence to simplify this. [27182818284 -- John L. Greene] - We require a mnemonic to remember e whenever we scribble math texts. [271828182845 -- Joona Palaste (of Helsinki; 2004-11-07 e-mail)] p = 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751... - Yes, I have a number. [31416] - How I wish I could calculate Pi nearly right. [314159265] - See, I have a rhyme assisting my feeble brain. [314159265] - May I have a large container of coffee? Thank you. [3141592653] The Evolution Of Math Teaching 1960s: A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit? 1970s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, that is, $8. What is his profit? 1970s (new math): A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to 10, and each element of M is worth $1. Draw ten big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production costs is composed of two big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits? 1980s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8, and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates. 1990s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His or her production costs are 0.80 of his or her revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue vs. costs. Run the POTATO program to determine the profit. Discuss the result with students in your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes this example in the real world of economics. (Anon: The American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 101, No. 5, May 1994) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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• • • • • • • • • • •

Top Ten Excuses For Not Doing Homework: I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. Isaac Newton's birthday. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it. Warning! It is against the rule to use these excuses in classes!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"? He repeats "one third x cubed". Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...". The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?". The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Quotes From Math Students And Lecturers "This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left." "The problems for the exam will be similar to the discussed in the class. Of course, the numbers will be different. But not all of them. Pi will still be 3.14159... ""Roses are red, Violets are blue, Greens' functions are boring And so are Fourier transforms." "Sex and drugs? They're nothing compared with a good proof!" "Do you love your math more than me?" "Of course not, dear - I love you much more." "Then prove it!" "OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..." A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the University on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle. "Where did you get the bike from?" his friends asked. "It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. Yesterday she called me and told that she had passed her math final and wanted to drop by to thank me in person. She arrived at my place on her bicycle. When I had let her in, she took all her clothes off, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'" One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle." "Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dictionary Of Definitions Of Terms Commonly Used In Math. Lectures. The following is a guide to terms which are commonly used but rarely defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time immortal: "Wing It." CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the "in- between" steps. TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class. OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it. RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test...

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WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest. IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand. CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time. SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove. HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof. BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, "and a partridge in a pair tree." SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to understand the terms. ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long. SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before. CANONICAL FORM: 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed recommended this as the final form for their students who choose to finish. TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): If I say this it means that, and if I say that it means the other thing, and if I say the other thing... BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I stated it right (or at all), then the rest of this follows. TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em. BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster. LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake. PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math courses). QUANTIFY: I can't find anything wrong with your proof except that it won't work if x is a moon of Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses). PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, It's true.

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Theorems Here, the powerful mathematical methods are successively applied to the "real life problems". Interesting Theorem: All positive integers are interesting. Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction. Theorem: There are two groups of people in the world; those who believe that the world can be divided into two groups of people, and those who don't. Theorem: The world is divided into two classes: people who say "The world is divided into two classes", and people who say: The world is divided into two classes: people who say: "The world is divided into two classes", and people who say: The world is divided into two classes: people who say ... There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who can't. There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary math, and those who don't. There really are only two types of people in the world, those that DON'T DO MATH, and those that take care of them. Cat Theorem: A cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. Salary Theorem The less you know, the more you make. Proof: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money . Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Q: What does the zero(0) say to the the eight (8)? A: Nice belt! Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components. Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. "Divide fourteen sugar cubes into three cups of coffee so that each cup has an odd number of sugar cubes in it." "That's easy: one, one, and twelve." "But twelve isn't odd!" "Twelve is an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee..." A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine. Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician? A: Probably.... The Light Bulb Problem Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A2: None. A mathematician can't screw in a light bulb, but he can easily prove the work can be done. How many numerical analysts does it take to replace a lightbulb?? 3.9967: (after six iterations). How many professors does it take to replace a lightbulb?? One: With eight research students, two programmers, three post-docs and a secretary to help him. How many university lecturers does it take to replace a lightbulb?? Four: One to do it and three to co-author the paper. How many graduate students does it take to replace a lightbulb?? Only one: But it takes nine years. How many math department administrators does it take to replace a lightbulb? None: What was wrong with the old one then??? How We Do It ... Aerodynamicists do it in drag. Algebraists do it in a ring, in fields, in groups. Analysts do it continuously and smoothly. Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation. Banach spacers do it completely. Bayesians do it with improper priors. Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet. Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can. Complex analysts do it between the sheets Computer scientists do it depth-first.

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Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes. Decision theorists do it optimally. Functional analysts do it with compact support. Galois theorists do it in a field. Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points. Geometers do it with involutions. Geometers do it symmetrically. Graph theorists do it in four colors. Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally. Large cardinals do it inaccessibly. Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors. Logicians do it by choice, consistently and completely. Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently. (Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)]. Number theorists do it perfectly and rationally. Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results. Pure mathematicians do it rigorously. Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both. Real analysts do it almost everywhere Ring theorists do it non-commutatively. Set theorists do it with cardinals. Statisticians probably do it. Topologists do it openly, in multiply connected domains Variationists do it locally and globally. Cantor did it diagonally. Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in. Galois did it the night before. Mðbius always does it on the same side. Markov does it in chains. Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants. Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished. A Slice Of Pi ****************** 3.14159265358979 1640628620899 23172535940 881097566 5432664 09171 036 5 ******************************************************

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Engineer, Physicist, Mathematician Jokes The “Odd Primes” Joke A mathematician, physicist and an engineer are asked whether all odd numbers, (greater than 2), are prime. Their responses: Mathematician: "Let's see, 3 is prime, 5 is prime and 7 is prime, but 9 is a counter-example so the statement is false" Physicist: "OK, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 isn't prime, 11 is prime, and so is 13, so all odds are prime to within experimental uncertainty." Engineer: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, so all odds are prime." Adding other professions to the “Odd Primes” joke: Several professors were asked to solve the following problem: "Prove that all odd integers are prime." Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a prime - counterexample - claim is false. Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime ... Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime ... Computer Scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ... segmentation fault Lawyers: one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime, although there appears to be prima facie evidence that nine is not prime, there exists substantial precedent to indicate that nine should be considered prime. The following brief presents the case for nine's primeness... Liberals: The fact that nine is not prime indicates a deprived cultural environment which can only be remedied by a federally funded cultural enrichment program. Computer programmers: one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, five is prime, five is prime, five is prime five is prime, five is prime, five is prime... Bush: What's nine got against being prime? I'll bet it won't allow the pledge of allegiance to be said in our schools either. Richard Nixon: Put nine on the enemies list. I'm gonna get that number. Rec.humor poster: one is prime, one is prime, one is prime, one is prime Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student. Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,... Computer Scientist: 10 prime, 11 prime, 101 prime... Chemist: 1 prime, 3 prime, 5 prime... hey, let's publish! Measure nontheorist: there are exactly as many odd numbers as primes (Euclid, Cantor), and exactly one even prime (namely 2), so there must be exactly one odd nonprime (namely 1). New Yorker: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!

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Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be fixed in the next release,... C programmer: 03 is prime, 05 is prime, 07 is prime, 09 is really 011 which everyone knows is prime,... BASIC programmer: What's a prime? COBOL programmer: What's an odd number? Programmer: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime,... Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,... Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,... Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,... Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,... Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,... Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations. Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime... Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it... The “Calculation” Jokes Three professionals, a mathematician, a physicist & an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was "how much is one plus one". The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: I have proven its a natural number The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: its between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001 the engineer quicly said: oh! its easy! its two,.... no, better maake it three, just to be safe. A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were asked how much three times three is. The engineer grabbed his pocket calculator, eagerly pressed a couple of buttons and announced: "9.0000". The physicist made an approximation (with an error estimate) and said: "9.00 +/- 0.02". The mathematician took a piece of paper and a pencil and sat quietly for half an hour. He the returned and proudly declared: There is a solution and I have proved that it is unique!

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The “Fire!” Joke A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to her desk, pulled out her CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, she threw down her pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. She threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep. Three employees (an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician) are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, 'Ah, a solution exists!' and then goes back to bed. A physicist and a mathematician are in the faculty lounge having a cup of coffee when, for no apparent reason, the coffee machine bursts into flames. The physicist rushes over to the wall, grabs a fire extinguisher, and fights the fire successfully. The same time next week, the same pair are there drinking coffee and talking shop when the new coffee machine goes on fire. The mathematician stands up, fetches the fire extinguisher, and hands it to the physicist, thereby reducing the problem to one already solved... The “Herding Sheep” Joke An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

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The “Black Sheep” Joke An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field. "How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish sheep are black!" To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!" The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist: "They have reproduced". The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were out game hunting. The engineer spied a bear in the distance, so they got a little closer. "Let me take the first shot!" said the engineer, who missed the bear by three metres to the left. "You're incompetent! Let me try" insisted the physicist, who then proceeded to miss by three metres to the right. "Ooh, we *got* him!!" said the statistician. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to her: "Hey, where are we?" She replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." They physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what she said was completely true, but utterly useless." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How they knew it was a deer: The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer. The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Pi What is the value of PI? Mathematician: approximately 3.1415927.. Physicist: it's 3.14 Engineer: a little more than 3 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Similarly, a mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given 50 pounds to measure the height of a building. The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building. The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building. The engineer puts forty pounds into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building. Compiled by Richard Martin, August, 2000. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A chemist, a physicist, and a geologist were walking along a beach when the physicist suddenly said that he wanted to measure the depth of the sea, and then he jumped into the sea. The geologist said that he wanted to see the seabed and he followed suit. The chemist waited for a while for them to reappear and then concluded, "physicists and geologists are soluble in sea water." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Measurement Techniques A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are each given 50 pounds to measure the height of a building. The mathematician buys a ruler and a sextant, and by determining the angle subtended by the building a certain distance away from the base, he establishes the height of the building. The physicist buys a heavy ball and a stopwatch, climbs to the top of the building and drops the ball. By measuring the time it takes to hit the bottom, he establishes the height of the building. The engineer puts forty pounds into his pocket. By slipping the doorman the other ten, he establishes the height of the building. Taken from the electronic bulletin of the Network of Student Physical Societies, 1994 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Conclusions... A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The Biologist: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again." Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair , July 1996. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top 10 Traits Of The Pseudoscientist Society is developing a new breed of "intellect": the pseudoscientist. Too lazy to do real work to research a topic, the pseudoscientist is armed with a strong curiousity, an enlarged ego, and a dose of authoritian paranoia. You might be a pseudoscientist if: • You believe your subscription to Analog provides the necessary background to argue with PhD scientists. • You think "real" science is mostly developed in garages or hobby rooms. • You think scientists are inflexible to changing paradigms (using one of pseudoscientists' favorite terms). See definition of "Science." • You think the government, big business, or traditional scientists are in a conspiracy to prevent the pseudoscientists from showing the "truth" to the rest of the world, motivated by such movies as "Chain Reaction." • You think science is purely to start a business and make money. • You think it's cool to announce impossible-sounding claims to the media without a peer review process (see #4 above), expository discussion, or other legitimizing process. You may believe the US Patent Office is a legitimizing process, if they aren't in conspiracy with #4 above. • You're aiming for the Einsteinian turn-science-upside-down revolution of thought and universal understanding, based on your two years of high school physics and a copy of Omni magazine. • You think highly suspicious behavior is actually the way people protect themselves from intellectual theft. • Your ego is large enough to tell the world that its understanding of the universe has always been wrong, and your fantastic, undocumented, unverified, unrecorded, and unreproducable experiment proves it. • Your college degree (if you have one) and your pseudoscientist interests have absolutely nothing in common. For instance, you may be arguing about fusion with a PhD in nuclear physics (and inflating your ego by doing so), while you only have a nursing degree. Based on an original Usenet posting to sci.physics.fusion by Jeramie Hicks July 1997. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Breakdown Four engineers were travelling by car to a seminar, when unfortunately, the vehicle broke down. The chemical engineer said "Obviously, some constituent of the fuel has caused this failure to occur." The mechanical engineer replied "I disagree, I would surmise that an engine component has suffered a catastrophic structural failure." The electrical engineer also had a theory. "I believe an electrical component has ceased to function, thereby causing an ignition malfunction." The software engineer thought for some time. When at last he spoke he said "What would happen if we all got out and then got back in again?" Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Another Fire! A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms. The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the taps full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!" He then went back to sleep. Based on an unoriginal email forwarded by Pauline Sinclair , July 1996. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On a train to a large convention there were a bunch of engineers and a bunch of chemists. Each of the engineers had a train ticket. The group of chemists had only ONE ticket for all of them. The engineers started laughing, figuring the chemists were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When one of the chemists, the lookout, said "Here comes the conductor", all of the chemists went into the bathroom. The engineers were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the engineers. He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please". The chemists stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the chemists came out of the bathroom. The engineers felt really stupid. On the way back from the convention, the group of engineers decided that they would try that method, too. They bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the chemists in the same car.

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Again, the engineers started snickering at the chemists. This time NONE of the chemists had tickets. When the lookout said, "Conductor coming!", all the chemists went to one bathroom and all the engineers went to the other bathroom. Before the conductor came on board, one of the chemists left their bathroom, knocked on the engineers' bathroom, and said "Ticket please." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems." The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health." The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife - you can do some mathematics." A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. At the end, the engineer has a terrible headache, whereas the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture. E: "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process." E: "How can you *possibly* visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N be 9" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Approaches to find the value of 2+2. Engineer (after 3 minutes, with a slide rule): "The answer is precisely 3.9974." Physicist (after 6 hours of experiments): "The value is approximately 4.002, with an error of plus-or-minus 0.005." Mathematician (after a week of calculation): "Well, I haven't found an answer yet but I *can* prove that an answer exists." Philosopher: "But what do you mean by 2+2?" Logician: "Please define 2+2 more precisely." Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you want the answer to be?" Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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A mathematician is asked to design a table. He first designs a table with no legs. Then he designs a table with infinitely many legs. He spend the rest of his life generalizing the results for the table with N legs (where N is not necessarily a natural number). -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats "one thir -- dex cue?" He repeats "one third x cubed". Her: "one thir dex cuebd?" "Yes, that's right", he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cubed...". The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "What is the integral of x squared?". The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A doctor, an architect, and a politician were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor says: The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat. The architect says: But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect. The politician smiles: Yes, but who do you think created the chaos ? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked. "Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer." "Yes -- so what?" "Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician and an engineer are on desert island. They find two palm trees with one coconut each. The engineer climbs up one tree, gets the coconut, eats. The mathematician climbs up the other tree, gets the coconut, climbs the other tree and puts it there. "Now we've reduced it to a problem we know how to solve." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Milk Production The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original. They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output. The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: Consider a spherical cow......" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Cows Ian writes: Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there recommendations. The animal psychologist went first, "If you paint the milking shed green the cows will be happier and happy cows will give more milk." Then came the turn of the engineer. "If you narrow the milking stalls by 10 centimeters you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra cow in the same time." Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He got out a black board and started drawing an elaborate diagram. Then he started to talk: "First, we approximate the Cow as a sphere of radius r." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..." "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret. "Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leap towards the sink, filled the bucket with water and puts out the fire. Second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, got a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?" Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it". Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system". Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------New York (CNN): At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a high school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was later discovered that he taught the students to solve their problem with the help of radicals! --------------------------------------------------------------------------One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife? A: A half of an egg! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a half of an egg is better than nothing. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A physicist has been conducting experiments and has worked out a set of equations which seem to explain his data. He asks a mathematician to check them. A week later, the mathematician calls "I'm sorry, but your equations are complete nonsense." "But these equations accurately predict results of experiments. Are you sure they are completely wrong? "To be precise, they are not always a complete nonsense. But the only case in which they are true is the trivial one where the field is Euclidean..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------To mathematicians, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. E: "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process" E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9"

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ANECDOTES Hi, Well, this is my most favourite section…..anecdotes about some of the greatest minds in human history… particularly scientists and mathematicians. Enjoy!! Yours, Gautam. ***************************************** Ernest Rutherford (1871-1937) One student in Rutherford's lab was very hard-working. Rutherford had noticed it and asked one evening: - Do you work in the mornings too? - Yes, - proudly answered the student sure he would be commended. - But when do you think? - amazed Rutherford. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Einstein : “It is hard to teach in a co-ed college since guys are only looking on girls and not listening to the teacher.” He was objected that they would be listening to HIM very attentively, forgetting about any girls. “But such guys won't be worth teaching!!” - replied the great man. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------During a lecture, Professor Dirac made a mistake in an equation he was writing on the blackboard. A courageous student raises his finger and says timidly : "Professor Dirac, I do not understand equation 2.". Dirac continues writing without any reaction. The student supposes Dirac has not heard him and raises his finger again, and says, louder this time: "Professor Dirac, I do not understand equation 2." No reaction. Somebody on the first row decides to intervene and says: "Professor Dirac, that man is asking a question." "Oh," Dirac replies, “I thought he was making a statement." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Einstein never has to dress well. When Einstein's Wife told him to dress properly when going to the office he argued: "Why should I? Everyone knows me there." When he was told to dress properly for his first big conference: "Why should I? No one knows me there." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It was well known to Pauli's co-workers that Pauli should be kept away from experiments. When he came near any experiment it would go wrong and instruments would go broke. This became known as the Pauli Effect. One day an important experiment went wrong without any apparent reason. Pauli was not even around, so this was very strange .... until they discovered a few days later that Pauli was in the train that was passing the building at the time of the crash. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 51 -

One day while Mr. Edison and I were were calling on Luther Burbank in California, he asked us to register in his guest book. The book had a column for signature, another for home address, another for occupation and a final one entitled 'Interested in'. Mr. Edison signed in a few quick but unhurried motions...In the final column he wrote without a moment's hesitation: 'Everything.' -- Henry Ford, _My Friend Mr. Edison_ -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How about the story of the MIT student who cornered the famous John von Neumann in the hallway: Student: "Er, excuse me, Professor von Neumann, could you please help me with a calculus problem?" John: "Okay, sonny, if it's real quick -- I'm a busy man." Student: "I'm having trouble with this integral." John: "Let's have a look." (A brief pause here) "Alright, sonny, the answer's two-pi over 5." Student: "I know that, sir, the answer's in the back -- I'm having trouble deriving it, though." John: "Okay, let me see it again." (Another pause) "The answer's two-pi over 5." Student (frustrated): "Uh, sir, I know the answer, I just don't see how to derive it." John: "Whaddya want, sonny, I worked the problem in two different ways!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Albert Einstein apparently referred to formal occasions, parties etc as "feeding time at the zoo"! -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the period that Einstein was active as a professor, one of his students came to him and said: "The questions of this year's exam are the same as last years!" "True," Einstein said, "but this year all answers are different." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It is told that in 1921 George de Hevesey suspected that the leftovers from his dinner were not thrown away, but kept for the next day. To check that he added a minimal amount of a radioactive substance to his leftovers. The next day he tested the goulash soup that was served to him with a Geiger counter. The soup was indeed radioactive. And this way radioactive tracers were discovered.

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Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s. He carefully measured brain weights, and after many years' accumulation of much data he observed that the average weight of a man's brain was 1350 grams, that of a woman only 1250 grams. This at once, he argued, was infallible proof of the mental superiority of men over women. Throughout his life he defended this hypothesis with the conviction of a zealot. Being the true scientist, he specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive collection. The postmortem examination elicited the interesting fact that his own brain weighed only 1245 grams. -- Scientific American [March 1992] -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Einstein once went to a restaurant. The waiter placed a menu-card before him. Unfortunately Einstein had left his reading glasses home, so he said to waiter, "Would you please read it out to me?" The waiter hesitated a bit and then replied," I would have been glad to Sir, but I am also an illiterate like you." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------While lecturing on 'ideal gases' one day, Ludwig Boltzmann casually mentioned a number of complex calculations. Near the end of the class, the students, utterly unable to follow his progress, asked Boltzmann to do his calculations on the blackboard. He apologized and promised to do better next time... Soon enough, the next lesson arrived. "Gentlemen," Boltzmann began, "if we combine Boyle's law with Charles's law we get the equation pv = psub 0 vsub 0 (1 + a t)... Now it is clear that sub a S sup b = f(x) dx x (a), so pv = RT and sub V S f(x,y,z) dV = 0. It is as simple as one and one equals two." Then, suddenly recalling his promise from the previous class, he dutifully wrote "1 + 1 = 2" on the blackboard before continuing with the lecture. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1966 Richard Feynman, a passionate drummer, was asked by a Swedish encyclopedia publisher to supply a photograph of himself "beating the drum to give a human approach to a presentation of the difficult matter that theoretical physics represents." Feynman's reply: Dear Sir, The fact that I beat a drum has nothing to do with the fact that I do theoretical physics. Theoretical physics is a human endeavor, one of the higher developments of human beings, and the perpetual desire to prove that people who do it are human by showing that they do other things that a few other humans do (like playing bongo drums) is insulting to me. I am human enough to tell you to go to hell. Yours, RPF. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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While musing upon the subject of thermodynamics one day, Lord Kelvin suddenly realized that his wife was discussing plans for an afternoon excursion. "At what time," he asked, glancing up, "does the dissipation of energy begin?" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Physicist James Franck was among the professors who examined the twentythree-year-old Robert Oppenheimer for his doctorate at Gottingen University. Upon emerging from the oral examination, Franck appeared somewhat shaken. "I got out of there just in time," the professor explained. "He was beginning to ask me questions!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------THE CLASSICAL scholar Gilbert Murray one day encountered Einstein sitting in the quadrangle of Christ Church, Oxford. The exiled scientist was deep in thought, with a serene and cheerful expression on his face. Murray asked Einstein what he was thinking about. "I am thinking that, after all,” murmured the great genius, “Sun is a very small star!!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Niels Bohr had a propensity for thinking aloud, often using a convenient student or colleague as a sounding board. On one occasion, Bohr, in search of company after a week-long ocean voyage, entered Princeton's Institute for Advanced Study, cornered two colleagues (Abraham Pais and Wolfgang Pauli) into an office, sat them down, and proceeded to muse at length on quantum theory. They were finally able to interrupt - two hours later. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------After Einstein had fled from Hitler's Germany, one hundred Nazi professors published a book condemning his theory of relativity. "If I were wrong," Einstein said in his defense, "one professor would have been enough." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Scientific American once ran a competition offering several thousand dollars for the best explanation of Albert Einstein's general theory of relativity in three thousand words. "I'm the only one in my entire circle of friends who is not entering," Einstein ruefully remarked. "I don't believe I could do it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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The great mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski was old and rather absent-minded. Once he had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife didn't trust him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their things, she said: “ - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a taxi.” She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called for a taxi. Says Mr. Sierpinski : “ - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted nine.” “ - No, they're TEN!” “ - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------One day, one of Albert Einstein's assistants expressed his joy that experimental results had confirmed the General Theory of Relativity. "But I knew that the theory was correct," Einstein calmly remarked. The assistant then asked what he would have done had his predictions not been confirmed. "Then," Einstein replied, "I would have felt sorry for our dear God - the theory is correct." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes". -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Einstein once wrote to a fifteen-year-old girl who had written for help on a homework assignment: "Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics; I can assure you that mine are much greater." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ernst Eduard Kummer (1810-1893), a German algebraist, was sometimes slow at calculations. Whenever he had occasion to do simple arithmetic in class, he would get his students to help him. Once he had to find 7 x 9. "Seven times nine," he began, "Seven times nine is er -- ah --- ah -- seven times nine is. . . ." "Sixtyone,"a student suggested. Kummer wrote 61 on the board. "Sir," said another student, "it should be sixty-nine." "Come, come, gentlemen, it can't be both," Kummer exclaimed. "It must be one or the other." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way. Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly starting on the front of one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles per hour. It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to death. What is the total distance the fly has flown? One could solve the problem the hard way with pencil and paper by summing an infinite series of distances. The easy way is as follows: Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide. Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles. That's all there is to it. When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately replied, "150miles." "It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to sum the infinite series." "What do you mean, strange?" asked Neumann. "That's exactly how I did it!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------EINSTEIN went to look at a kibbutz while on a visit to Palestine in 1921. He asked many questions of the 22-year-old girl who was head of the young community. One question was, "What is the relationship here of men to women?" Thinking that he was one of the many visitors who thought that women were common property in the kibbutz, she stammered, very embarrassed, "But, Herr Professor, each man here has one woman." Einstein's eyes twinkled. He took the girl's hand and said, "Don't be alarmed at my question - by 'relationship' we physicists mean something rather simple, and that is… how many men are there and how many women?" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------IN 1931 Charlie Chaplin invited Albert Einstein, who was visiting Hollywood, to a private screening of his new film City Lights. As the two men drove into town together, passersby waved and cheered. Chaplin turned to his guest and explained: "The people are applauding you because none of them understands you and applauding me because everybody understands me." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In his lecture, Von Neumann formulated a theorem and said: "The proof is obvious". Then he thought for a minute, left the lecture room, returned after 15 minutes and happily concluded: "It is indeed obvious!"

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Around the time when Cold War started, Bertrand Russell was giving a lecture on politics in England. Being a communist in a conservative women's club, he was not received well at all: the ladies came up to him and started attacking him with whatever they could get their hands on. The guard, being an English gentleman, did not want to be rough to the ladies and yet needed to save Russell from them. Guard shouted, "He is a great mathematician!" The ladies ignored him. The guard said again, "He is a great philosopher!" The ladies ignore him again. In desperation, finally, he said, "But his brother is an earl!" Bert was saved. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------After the birth of his sister Maja, the two and a half year old Albert Einstein was told he would now have something to play with. After looking at the baby he complained "Yes... but where are its wheels?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------IN 1898, young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical Institute and was turned down. The young man, the Institute declared, "showed no promise" as a student. By 1905, he had formulated his special theory of relativity. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------On one occasion, Paul Erdös met another mathematician and asked him where he was from. "Vancouver," the mathematician replied. "Oh, then you must know my good friend Elliot Mendelson," Erdös said. The reply was…. "I AM your good friend Elliot Mendelson." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Albert Einstein (1879-1955) [German physicist] Albert Einstein, who fancied himself as a violinist, was rehearsing a Haydn string quartet. When he failed for the fourth time to get his entry in the second movement, the cellist looked up and said, "The problem with you, Albert, is that you simply can't count." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------In the period that Einstein was active as a professor, one of his students came to him and said: "The questions of this year's exam are the same as last years!" "True," Einstein said, "but this year all answers are different." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The French scientist Andre Ampere was on his way to an important meeting at the Academy in Paris. In the carriage he got a brilliant idea which he immediately wrote down ... on the seat of the carriage: dH=ipdl/r^2. As he arrived he paid the driver and ran into the building to tell everyone. Then he found out his notes were on the carriage and he had to hunt through the streets of Paris to find his notes on wheels. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Before they immigrated to the US, the Einsteins endured the severe economic situation in post WWI Germany. Mrs. E saved old letters and other scrap paper for Albert to write on and so continue his work. Years later, Mrs. Einstein was pressed into a public relations tour of some science research center. Dutifully she plodded through lab after lab filled with gleaming new scientific napery, The American scientists explaining things to her in that peculiarly condescending way we all treat non-native speakers of our own language. Finally she was ushered into a high-chambered observatory, and came face to face with another, larger, scientific contraption. "Well, what's this one for?" she muttered. "Mrs. Einstein, we use this equipment to probe the deepest secrets of the universe," cooed the chief scientist. "Is THAT all!" snorted Mrs. E. "My husband did that on the back of old envelopes!" -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Justus von Liebig (1803-1873) one day was approached by his assistant who all excited informed him that he had just discovered the formula for an universal solvent. Liebig asked: - "And what is a universal solvent?" Assistant: - "One that dissolves all substances." Liebig: - "Where are you going to keep that solvent, eh??!!!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Walther Nernst, the famous German physical chemist, developed an electric lamp, known as the "Nernst lamp", which he sold for a very large sum of money. A colleague of his, not without sarcasm, asked him whether his next project will be making diamonds. Nernst answered, -"No, I can afford to buy diamonds now, so I don't need to make them". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------As a child, Einstein began to talk very late. His parents were obviously worried. At last, at the dinner table one night, he broke his silence to say, "The soup is too hot." Greatly relieved, his parents asked why he had never said a word before. Albert replied, "Because up to now everything was in order." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------This story is told about the mathematician Arne Beurling: When PhD candidates he was supervising came to him with their finished theses he would read the last few pages of the thesis, then pull out a paper from his desk, look at it for a few moments and then say "Well, that seems to be the right answer, You can submit it". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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EINSTEIN'S wife was once asked if she understood her husband's theory of relativity. "No," she replied loyally, "but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------As the joint meeting of the Royal Society and the Royal Astronomical Society was dispersing [this was 6 November 1919, when the results of the eclipse expedition that confirmed Einstein's prediction of the bending of light by gravity were announced], Ludwig Silberstein came up to Arthur Eddington and said, "Professor Eddington, you are considered as one of three persons in the world who understands Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity." On this Eddington seemed to be lost in thought. Silberstein continued, "Don't be modest, Mr. Eddington," Eddington replied, "On the contrary, I am trying to think who the third person is." -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------EINSTEIN QUOTES
"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love"
I do not know how World War III would be fought. But I can tell you how World War IV will be fought: With sticks and stones.
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."
“Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.”
"God does not play dice with the universe." -- Einstein
"Who are you to tell God what to do?" -- Bohr
"God not only plays dice, but sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen." -- Hawking
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the first.”
"Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet"
"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother."
“I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[… and here are my personal favourites!! -- G] Norbert Wiener was very absent minded. The following story is told about him: They moved from Cambridge to Newton. His wife was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to. So she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. In course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided it was faulty, and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl sitting on the steps and he conceived the idea of asking her. "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes Daddy, mummy said this would happen…" ******************************** The story is told of an atheist scientist, a friend of Sir Isaac Newton, who knocked on the door and came in after Newton had just finished making his solar system machine (i.e. one of the machines like the one in the science museum where you crank the handle and the planets and moons move round). The man saw the machine and said `how wonderful' and went over to it and started cranking the handle and the planets went round. As he was doing this he asked “who made this?” Sir Isaac stopped writing and said “nobody did”. Then he carried on writing. The man said `You didn't hear me. Who made the machine?' Newton replied `I told you. Nobody did.' He stopped cranking and turned to Isaac `Now listen Isaac, this marvelous machine must have been made by somebody - don't keep saying that nobody made it.' At which point Isaac Newton stopped writing and got up. He looked at him and said `Now isn't it amazing. I tell you that nobody made a simple toy like that and you don't believe me. Yet you gaze out into the solar system - the intricate marvelous machine that is around you - and you dare say to me that no one made that. I don't believe it'. ************************************************************************

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