Sardar

Here are some surd achievements ********************************* A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare for the speech. Annoyed by the event, next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway deparrtment was ""There should not be last coach in any train."" ________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________ Banta singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and atlast I wrote THUNK !!!" ________________________________________________________ Sardar gets an oppurtunity to fly to a near by country. Sardar never has been on an airplane anywhere and got so excited and tensed. As soon as he boarded the plane, a BOEING 747, started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and shouting 'BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BOEING....'. He forgets what's around, and even the pilot in the cock-pit could hear the noise. Annoyed by the sound, the Pilot came out and shouted 'BE SILENT!'. There was pin-drop silence every where and everybody is looking at the Sardar and the angry Pilot. Sardar starred at the Pilot in silence for a moment and all of a sudden started shouting, 'OEING ! OEING!! OEING!!! OEING!!!...'. _________________________________________________________ Two Sardarjis went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their packets and started to eat them. 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in here,' complained the pub-owner. So the two sardars swapped their sandwiches. __________________________________________________________ Mr. Jaswanth singh went to a grocery stores collected the grocery and came to the counter and

person at the counter started preparing bill for the items. Singh asked " Where is the fat ?" , person didn't understand what singh was saying and said " Excuse me sir, FAT???" Sardar : "Yes Fat, Give me the fat" Sardar started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked sardar about the problem. Then sardar said, Hey Manager! Look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written "FAT FREE" on that but this guy is not giving me the fat. _________________________________________________________ In a party one of Zail Singh's friends asked him How many chappathis he could eat in an empty stomach. Zail replied "Seven". Then his friend told him "When U eat the first chappathi your stomach is no longer empty .Then how can U eat seven ??". Zail was impressed by this tricky question. So as soon as he went back home he asked his wife " How many chappathis can you eat in an empty stomach ??". She replied "Five". Then Zail told " Shit!! If only you had told seven I had a nice reply for it" _________________________________________________________ One day sardarji decides that he is fed up of Sardarji being called fools. So he decides to fool the others and show them that they too are fools. Our friend goes to the top of Kutubminar in delhi and peeps down from the top with a lot of interest. Somebody taps him on the back and asks, "Sardarji what r u looking" our freind replies "sssssshhhhhhh, Stand in the line.." After sometime ,somebody asks the same question to the second guy and he gives the same reply. This goes on . After a while our freind sees that the line has reached the bottom of kutubinar. So he feels very happy that he has succeeded in fooling so many people & decides to tell turn back. He does so , and... HE SEES A LINE OF SARDARJI'S ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM _____________________________________________________ Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the Examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing

and sweating. The invigilator,alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half an hour". "But yaar", he says, " I am rechecking my answers." ______________________________________________________ Here is the unpublished paper for PEMEE (Punjab Engineering and Medical Entrance Examination) -PUNJAB ENGINEERING & MEDICAL ENTRANCE EXAMTime Limit:

3 Weeks

1.

What language is spoken in Tamil Nadu ?

2.

Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions

-ORgive the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3.

4.

Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b)sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY What religion is the Pope?

(a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. meters? 6.

How many feet is 0.0

What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. 9.

What are people in India's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners

10.

Spell- Bush, Carter and Clinton Six kings of India have been called Akbar ,the last one being Akbar the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from? 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky

(a) Macy's (b) a

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no

13.

What are coat hangers used for?

14. The "Jana Gana Mana " is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -ORspell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17.

Which part of India produces the most oranges? (a)Gujarat (b) Russia (c) Canada (d) Pakistan

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19.

What does AIR (All India Radio) stand for?

20.

The University of Chandigarh tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting

You must answer at least three questions correctly to qualify. ____________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ A sardarji is standing on platform no.1 waiting for the punjab mail toarrive. There is an anouncement "Passengers to note.. Train no 234 dn Punjab mail from New Delhi will be arriving on `platform` no.1 shortly." Hearing this sardarji gets panicky..He immediately picked up his baggage, jumped on to the railway track and stood there.. _________________________________________________________ Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife these days because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women..

_________________________________________________________ Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!" _________________________________________________________ Diana murder mystery solved The latest theory is that the driver of the Mercedes, Henri Paul, was actually a sardar whose family migrated to France when he was 3 yrs old. His name was Harvinder Singh Pal, and later he changed it to Henri Paul. But what is in a name, after all ! Once a surd, always a surd ! And so when the Paparazzi chasing the car shouted Diana, Diana , at 80 mph , Harvinder tried to take a right turn.( daina right in hindi ........... The rest, as they say, is history !!....................) _________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me

tomorrow." When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked "How was the interview ?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ One day there was a Bihari going in a Fiat Car at 45KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Sardaji came Booiiiiiiiiinnnnnnn on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Bihari - ' Kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off, The Bihari was surprised but he did not bother. After some time the Sardarji came Booiiiinnnnnnnnnnn... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again ' kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and sped off , This time the Bihari was annoyed , since the sardar was teasing about his driving. After some time again the Sardar came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car . The Bihari was about to say something but the Sardar sped off. This time the Bihari increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Sardar lying on the road, bleeding. He got down and mocked at the sardar ' Kyon Sardarji , Kabhi Honda chalaye kya?' The sardar said ' Wohi to puch raha tha , Mein Brakes ke liya doond raha tha' ________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________ Santa and Banta Singh were bitter enemies. Santa lived on the 1st and Banta on the 7th floor of the same building. One day the lift was out of order and Banta Singh decided to play a trick on Santa and called him for dinner to his house at 7:30 pm. So Santa huffing and puffing manages to reach the 7th floor. To his dismay he finds a big lock on the door and a message - 'HA HA ULLU BANA DIA!' Santa is angry but thinks a lot and finally writes his reply below Banta's message - 'MAIN TO YAHAN AAYA HI NAHIN THA!!' __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground". Signed, "A Sardarji". The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji ?!" _______________________________________________________ Hi friends, Let us take a look at the report submitted by sardar to his manager after completing his Y2K verification task. **********sardar.txt********** Dear Sir, Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all rams and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction." Very Sincerely IQ Singh Y2K Project leader _______________________________________________________ HERE ARE SOME SARDARJI JOKES .........

ENJOY

You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:

Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind. Gets stabbed in a shoot out. Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. Tries to drown a fish in waters. Thinks socialism means partying. Trips over a cordless phone. Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius." Studies for a blood test and fails. Sells the car for gas money. Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead. Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home. Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor. Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" "No, who wrote it?"

Sardar:

Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie? 18 was not allowed.

Because below

How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear. What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you? Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth. How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday? him a joke on Wednesday.

Tell

What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears? Trying to hold on to a thought. Why do Sardars work seven days a week? don't have to re-train them on Monday.

So you

Why can't Sardars make ice cubes? forget the recipe.

They always

How did the Sardar try to kill the bird? it off a cliff.

He threw

What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel. What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes? The back of his head. What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer? Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!). What do you call a sardar who has only one drink? Just-one Singh.(Again, T silent) Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken. Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes? Toes Go In First. How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax? has a stamp on it. Why can't Sardar dial 911? eleven on the phone

It

They can not find the

How do you get Sardar on the roof? drinks are on the house.

Tell him the

"Oh, look at the dead bird." Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where? What do smart Sardars and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. ____________________________________________________ SARDAR'S BMW BMW cars were having back mounted engines earlier. Sardar Hari Singh Purchased a new BMW and was driving back to home very happily. On the way the car broke down. Sardarji came out of the car and opened the bonnet, trying to fix up the problem. Immediately began to sweat. By that time Sardar

Gani Singh came by that way and saw our sardarji, totally confused and sweating, trying to search something inside the bonnet, and asked him what was the matter. Hari Singh: "The BMW people made me fool. They have given me the Car without the engine." Gani Singh: "Don't worry. I have spare engine in the back of my BMW. You can take that." ______________________________________________________ TO LOOSE WEIGHT... The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?"asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms from home." ____________________________________________________ SPARE BOMB Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off. Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now". Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat" _____________________________________________________ Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh walked toward each other on a country road. Hari Singh carried a burlap bag over his shoulder. "Hey Bhai," Gani Singh drawled, "what's in the bag?" "Chickens," was the reply. "If I guess how many, can I have one?" "You can have both of them." "OK, Five?" _____________________________________________________ Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"... _________________________________________________________________

EMPLOYMENT? Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes ___________________________________________________________________ AT INDO-PAK WAR Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but, suddenly out of the bushes jumps Cptn. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar dani! (mosquito net) He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets a medal.His freinds ask him "Yaar thu maachar daani kyon pehenke gaya tha?" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi? In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gani Singh (No Assumptions Please!) joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the sikhs again think they've lost the war but out of the bushes erupts Gani Singh wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead gets shot.In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me to itni akal thi ki vo maachar daani pehin ke gaya tha, aur tu nunga chale gaya" Gani Singh replies "aare yaar main tho odomos lage ke gaya tha"! ___________________________________________________________ HEIGHTS OF REVENGE Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and wehad to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep,one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn." He getsvery irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand.He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says "so ja

machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says "Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn." ___________________________________________________________ DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?" Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a driver. ________________________________________________________ CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the Sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not to leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the Sardarji, and the sardarji immedietly left theside seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt.what he told to the Sardarji Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar." ______________________________________________________________ SARDAR THIEF Santa Singh was shifting his residence. He was packing his belongings. By midnight hewas too tired and dozed off with the house door open. A sound woke him up. A thief was packing valuables.

Banta Singh found it very amusing; the thief was doing the job for him! "When this smart guy finishes packing, I will catch him". Banta was a hefty guy; so when the burglar finished packing, Banta Singh jumped on him and tied him up. Then he went to the police station and reported the matter. "What did you do to the thief"? "I tied his hands; you come and collect him". "I hope you tied his legs too". Banta Singh felt a cold feeling in his spine; he had forgotten about the legs. He sat down for a while. Then he cheered up and said, "Inspector Sab, the thief, he will still be there". "How do you know"? "Well, that fellow is also a Sardarji". _________________________________________________________ KHALISTAN JOKES Khalistan National Drink:

Sarbat Khalsa.

Khalistan National Bird:

Tandoori Chicken.

International Airline: National Airline: National Anthem:

Kitthe Pacific.

Itthe Pacific. Sten-a gun-a man-a

National Taxi Service: National song:

Kar Seva.

Bande marte hum.

Female terrorist: National dish:

Hard Kaur.

AKALI-DAAL.

Sikh scuba diver:

JULL-UNDER SINGH.

Better adapted sikh diver:

JULLUNDER SINGH GILL.

______________________________________________________________ PROFESSOR SARDAR Sardar Singh was very keen on doing his Ph.D. He was in search of a subject on which no one did any research before! As he was thinking over it, he found a cockroach on the table in from of him. He decided instantly to do a research on the roach. He picked the roach and put it in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled out one leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: "Run". The roach ran. He pulled one more leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said:

"Run". The roach ran. This way the roach tried to run even when it had just one leg. He pulled last leg of the roach, put it again in the centre of the table and said: Run". The roach could not! Our Professor was satisfied with his study and started writing his thesis: "When you pull out all the legs of a roach, it cannot hear anymore". __________________________________________________________ COLOR TV Sardarji is buying a TV."Do you have color TVs?" "Sure." "Give me a green one, please." __________________________________________________________ CROCODILE BOOTS Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and again barefeet!" ____________________________________________________________ LONG FLIGHT Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" " Just a sec," comes an answer "Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up! ____________________________________________________________ TRAIN TO LUDHIANA Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk: "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks Gani Singh. ____________________________________________________________ Sardars' Business There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business. After considerable discussion they finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed, but nobody turned up. WHY ? ........... B'coz there was a sign at the entrance

"Visitors not allowed" After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipment's and soon started the garage. The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage. WHY ? B'coz their garage was on the first floor. After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ? B'coz all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi!! All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldn't move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldn't budge. WHY ? B'coz two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind. ____________________________________________________________ Suicidal Sardar An American, an Italian and a Surd were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building... They were eating lunch and the American said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Surd opened his lunch and said, "Paratha and dal again. If I get paratha and daal one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps The Surd opens his lunch, sees paratha and daal and jumps to his death also... At the funeral..... The American's wife is weeping...She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef & cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Italian's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Surd's wife... "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

__________________________________________________________ Surd Freedom Fighters Once there was a meeting of all the Surd freedom fighters. They were planning for free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh.. we'll get Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a difficult question indeed. Suddenly Banta Singh replied, "No problem! we'll attack USA, it would take over us and then we would be a state of USA and we'll automatically get developed." All the surds became happy on this very simple solution but an old surd did not utter a single word. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy. The surd replied, "OH! THAT'S ALRIGHT BUT..WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TAKE OVER USA ?????" ___________________________________________________________ Surd with his new Maruti Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandhar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening, and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his disrtraut mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya ?" The sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Mrutti wale pagal ho gaye nain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaae nain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik ?" ___________________________________________________________ The Train Driver One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar. When he was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the track and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc . Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have run over that person . Sardar said : Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close. ___________________________________________________________ The Graffiti Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall. It

read "Padne waala gadha." (one who reads this is an ass) Santa Singh sat on a nearby bench, and after much thought erased it and wrote "Likhne waala Ghadah". (One who wrote this is an ass) ____________________________________________________________

Sardarji is traveling in the same train compartment with a girl. He pulls out a metal plate and starts playing it "Ding. Ding.Ding." The girl gets annoyed "You stop that." He stops and they travel for a while. Then when the night comes the girl takes off her clothes, looks at him and asks "Do you want to do IT?" He says "Yes". "Goahead." He pulls out his plate and starts playing "Ding. Ding. Ding." **************************************************** Elizabeth Taylor once boarded a plane. Everybody around greeted her. Since the plane was crowded she had difficulty in finding a seat. She saw our Sardar Balwinder Singh who was sitting next to a vacant seat.She went up to him and introduced herself saying in her cool sexy voice, "Hi, I am Elizabeth Taylor... Liz to you." Balwinder was bewildered but immediately responded, "Hi I am Balwinder .. Balls to you." **************************************************** Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything. So the other asked,"Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test" Second one asked,"So? Are you afraid?" First one replied,"No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger" Hearing this the second one started crying.The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?" The other replied,"I have come for my urine test." **************************************************** There were these three guys, a surd, an Italian, and a Jewish guy.They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they notice that theirboss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the bossleaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. TheJewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. TheItalian guy goes home and cooks dinner. Our Banta goes home and walks to his bedroom.... He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss..!

He shuts the door and hurries out of the house! The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask Banta if he wants to leave early againand he says,"no." They ask him why not and he says, "because yesterday I almost got caught." ************************************************** There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. Allthe sardars in the 'mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle' is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriagebaarat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, "Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach raheho?" ...... comes the reply, "Ha ji ! Hai hi baat bade khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!" ************************************************* Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their m/cs to another building. Banta was having a tough timecarrying his machine. Santa : "My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?" Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk is full"!!! ********************** Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?" The sardarji replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that Iwasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missingtoo." *********************** A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor askedhim what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirtand the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happenedto your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back." ********************* Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job . He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then the column SEX. He

was not sure as to what to be filled there. Aftermuch thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his appln. form,he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filledwas either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES. ********************* Santa Singh and Banta Singh were sitting on a tree and Santa Singhwas singing a song. After 4 songs Santa Singh hung himself upside downand started singing again. Banta Singh : Santa Singh what is the matter with you? Why are youhanging upside down? Santa Singh : I am singing the B side. ******************* Sardarji goes to the movies and he happens to be going for everyshow of the same movie for a week, when someone stops him and asks, "Kyonsardarji, itni aachi lagi kya ki roz har show ke liye aar rahe ho?" Sardarji replies "Ek scene hai jahan ek ladki apne sare kapde utardeti hai lekin thabhi ek saali train saamne se nikal jati hai. Saalitrain kabhi na kabhi to late aayegi heh heh!" ****************** Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and hetakes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks, "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se namarjaun" _____________________________________ mother of a sarder wrote...... Pyaarey puttar, I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their next house,so they couldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days. The coat you

wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. Your father has another job. He has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We re-cremated him and he burned for three days. Your best friend,Balwinder is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died.your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Love Mom. P. S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed. _________________________________________________ The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh were out on a romantic evening. She said to him, "Santa Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?" -------------------------------------------------------A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he's in big trouble because he knows only sardar jokes!After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to 'sardars' in his joke with 'Biharis'. He starts the jokes with, "There was once a Bihari..." And suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, "Kyon be! Sab sardar mar gaye hai kya?" -------------------------------------------------------Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at an MNC office in Amritsar. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only

missed one of the questions. The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy".Santa: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Punjab I should get the job!" Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong." Santa: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer.And you wrote 'Neither do I'!" -------------------------------------------------------FIRST FRIEND: SECOND FRIEND: FIRST FRIEND:

You know, I faced a tiger today! Oh really, what happened? The tiger looked into my eyes and I

looked into his eyes... SECOND FIRST:

Then what happened?

FIRST FRIEND:

Then I moved forward...

SECOND FRIEND: FIRST FRIEND: zoo...

What! I had to see other animals in the

-------------------------------------------------------A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the Jullundhur zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!" -------------------------------------------------------Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of drunken driving. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order! Order!" Santa responded immediately, "Thank you , your honour! I'll have a scotch and soda."

-------------------------------------------------------Santa Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they would like to die. Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I don't want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time." Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?" Santa Singh replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving." -----------------------------------------------------------------------sardar jokes......... A number of Indians were discussing who the most Patriotic Indian citizen was. Some said they always saluted the National flag wherever were and hence were the most patriotic. Others said that whenever they heard the national anthem being sung, howsoever faintly, they immediately stood at attention. Likewise everyone was boasting about how patriotic he/she was. A Sardarji from Punjab was keeping mum while the discussion happened. Everybody asked him why he was so quiet. Some even remarked that the Sardarji was not a true patriot and hence had nothing to say. Hearing this the Sardarji immediately flew into a rage. "I have kept quiet till now only because I was felt like crying on hearing your foolish talk about patriotism. How does it benefit the Nation if you salute the Flag or do stand at attention on hearing the national anthem? A true patriot should be like me. 365 days, 24 hours my radio set is tuned to Pakistan Radio at full volume". "But how is that a patriotic act?" someone asked. The Sardarji said, "Arrey you don't understand. If nothing else we can at least harm the Pakistanis by consuming as much of their electricity as possible". --------------------------------1) A sardarji joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone,"Abey saale! Get me a coffee quickly!" The voice from the other side responded,"You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No", replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!" The

sardarji shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?" "No.", replied the Managing Director. "Good!", replied the sardarji and put down the phone! *********************** 2) One Train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified . On the next railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar. He was questioned. He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc. The Authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger!? You should have run over that person. Sardarji said: Exactly! That is what i also decided ,but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close! *********************** 3) A sardar wanted to sell his old battered maruti car which had done more than 100,000kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective customer that it has been used sparingly.The sardar liked the idea. A few weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to dispose off his car. The sardar replied, "Are you mad? Who sells a car which has done only 30000kms!" *********************** 4) Two fast friends, Santa Singh and Banta Singh, were great cricket fanatics. They decided that whoever dies first will try to come back in the dreams of the other, and tell the other about the Cricket life in the heaven. Santa Singh dies first. One day as Banta was fast sleep, he heard Santa calling him. He was very happy and was eager to know about cricket there. "So, Santa! How is cricket in heaven?" Santa replied, "Hey Banta, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that tomorrow we are going to have a day & night match here in heaven. And the bad news is that you are the opening bowler for tommorrow's match!" ***********************

Sardarji: "Arre yaar! I lost $1000 today Friend: "How come?" Sardarji: "I bet $500 that India would win the match against Pakistan and India lost" Friend: "That explains $500. What about the other $500?" Sardarji: "Well, later that evening they were showing the highlights and I bet $500 on India winning .......... again!!!!" ______________________________________ Sardarji praising his son who is a Civil engineer, who just laid a road near his house. "Wow! This is terrific! Look at the job he has done! ............ The distance from my house to the railway station is the same as the railway station to my house!!!!!!!!" ___________________________________________ One sardar came to Madras and wanted to do shopping in burma bazaar. His tamilian friend told the Sardar that the prices will be costly and hence asked him to bargain for half the price. Sardar went and asked the price of stereo for which the vendor told 2000 Rs. Sardar asked for Rs.1000.vendor told he can give for Rs.1800 for which sardar told no,no only Rs.900. Vendor told ok , i will give it for 1500 Rs for which sardar bargained for Rs.750.It was going on like this when finally vendor out of irritation said he will give the Sardar the stereo free of cost. Our sardar asked whether he will give two. _______________________________________________ Two sardarjis stayed in the same building. One on the first floor and the other one on the eight floor. Both were great enemies. One day the sardarji on the eight floor thought to fool the one on the first floor. He invited him for dinner. When the sardarji reached the eight floor , he found his door locked and a board at his door " Kaisa bewkoof banaya " . Sardarji felt embarrased and to outplay him, he wrote down:" " Main to yaha aya hi nahi tha" ___________________________________________ Two Sardarjis (pilots) try to land an airplane in the states.They start descending and as they touch the ground the pilot scream the runway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn

and start descending again. The moment they touch the ground, the pilot scream again "Get the plane up, the runaway is ending...". The second pilot swiftly gets the plane back up in the air... They make a big turn and start descending again... This goes on again and again. ... During their fourth descent the pilot says : "Look at those stupid Americans, they build this huge & expensive airport but with such a short runaway..", ""I know" answers the second pilot, "But look how wide they made it...."" ___________________________________________ A sardarji once took an answering machine home in Punjab and disconnected it within a couple of days because he was getting complaints from his relatives like "Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ki ghar pe nahin hai" ____________________________________________ Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks him "Kyon bhai ye sab leke kyon baithe ho?" Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hain ........ kahin bhook se na marjaoon!" _____________________________________________ Santa Singh had his 4th child. He fills the data in the birth-certificate: Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Baby: Chinese. "How come you're writing 'Chinese' when both parents are Sikh?", asks the doctor. Santa Singh replies, "I have read in a newspaper, that every 4th person born on the earth now is Chinese." ______________________________________________ A sardar goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?" The clerk replies, "That is a thermos flask." The sardar then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk responds, "It keeps Hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold." The sardar says, "I'll take it!" The next day, he walks into work with his new thermos. His sardar boss sees him and asks, "What is that shiny object with you?" He said, "It's a thermos flask." The boss then says, "What does it do?" He replies, "It keeps hot Things hot and cold things cold." The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?" The sardar replies, "Two cups of coffee and a coke."

_______________________________________ What will a Sardarji do after taking photocopies ? He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !! __________________________________________ What will a sardarji do if he wants an additional white sheet of paper ? he already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a photcopy of the white paper !!! __________________________________________ Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs, " he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed His hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied. "Damn, he recognized me," he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied. Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied. _________________________________________________ Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the Clock on the Tower. Sardarji says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder." ****************************************************** SantaSingh got up in the middle of the night to answer the telephone. "Is this one one one one?", says the voice. "No, this is eleven eleven." "Are you sure it isn't one one one one?" "No, this is eleven eleven." "Well, wrong number. Sorry to have got you up on the middle of the night." "That's all right, mister. I had to get up to answer the telephone

anyway." ****************************************************** Once Santa Singh broke his leg when he threw his cigarette butt down the manhole and tried to step on it. ****************************************************** Santa Singh tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the seat of his pants, but it wouldn't light. He tried another. It wouldn't light. The third one finally lit. He lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket."What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?" "That's a good match. I'll use it again." ****************************************************** A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing The bystander A Marathon race is going on Sardar : What do they get from that? Bystander : The winner will get a prize Sardar : Then why are the others running?! ****************************************************** Santa Singh with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back." ***************************************************** Then there's the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...

#Case 1:

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with

friends.

You order what you want, then when you see what the other

fellow has, #Case 2:

you

wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you

wearing

your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man." #Case 3: Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. #Case 4: Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. #Case 5: A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to

get

married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it." #Case 6:

Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of

Africa,

a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her??" Dad: "That happens in most countries son."

#Case 7: Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late." #Case 8:

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; The husband gives and the wife takes.

#Case 9:

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

#Case 10:

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. #Case 11: a

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was

fool when I married you. "And the husband replied, "Yes, dear but I was in love and didn't notice it." #Case 12: A man inserted an 'add' in the classfieds: "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." #Case 13: When a man open the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or his wife. ** SARDARJI** >>Do you know what sardar will do after taking xerox?? >>>>He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!! >>Do you know what sardar will do if he wants a white paper?(he already has one and wants more?) >>>>He takes xerox of the white paper!!! >>A sardar took an answering machine home and fixed up somewhere in punjab. Two days later disconnected it because he was getting complaints like "saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahi hai". **LALOO PRASAD YADAV** >>Once laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65kgs" and moved on?