Revealing Abuse

REVEALING ABUSE We talk a lot about the “abused woman”, assuming that most women that are abused have already recognized the signs and symptoms and have already identified their relationship as being “abusive”. This report is going to take you one step back. It will help you clearly identify whether or not what you're feeling is a clear effect from being abused. It will help you evaluate your current situation and determine whether you are being abused. We understand that one has to understand what they are going through before they know they need assistance. It is our hope that you will gain clarity here, you will find answers, you will learn, you will grow, and most of all if you need help, you will not be afraid to seek it. Abuse is not a rare problem, it is just rarely admitted as one. It has no boundaries, affecting people of all ages, races, gender, culture, religious and economic backgrounds. For the sake of simplicity, in this report we will refer to the one being abused as the female gender, and the abuser as in the male gender, but understand that both male and females can become victims of abuse. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that “females suffer significantly more injuries than males.” In this report we will only be talking about a few of the different forms of abuse: physical, financial, sexual, verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. Often, the harm that is inflicted by batterers is more than physical, so you will find that abuse comes in many forms. Abuse is more than just being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. We will be grouping emotional and psychological abuse together because they are almost synonymous. We are not doctors, just abused women who have recovered from many years of subjecting ourselves to people whom we have allowed in our lives to abuse us. We are women who have taken a stand and said “Abuse No More!”. After reading this report, and you have identified with one being abused, our goal is to strengthen you as you deal with the situation at your own pace. We are not here to coax you to leave your mate, neither are we pressuring you to stay in an abusive relationship when your health, life, and/or spirituality is being threatened. So what is abuse? Abuse, simply put, is being treated badly. As humans, we all have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. We all deserve to live our lives free of abuse. There is never an excuse for abuse and abuse is a very serious problem! When we look at an abusive relationship, one of the patterns that is almost always seen is that there is almost always one person that is the abuser, and the other the abused. The abuser typically has more power in the relationship, because the abuser simply wants to control the abused. The abused, the one with less power in the relationship, is usually the one who ends up hurting, either emotionally, physically, sexually or financially. The abuser does not have to always be the one to initiate the argument, the sexual act, or arrange the financial situation. Even if the abused were the ones to initiate the argument, almost always the abused is the one who ends up getting hurt. So if you consistently have less power in your relationship, most likely there is a pattern of abuse there.

© 2009 Comtree Consulting and Coaching Services

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Your abuser can be anyone: your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, employer, child, parent, or caregiver. Please review the checklist below, be honest with yourself as you read it, and ask yourself the questions. If any of these indicators exist in your relationship, you may be in an abusive relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, use these indicators as “red flags” to assist in identifying a possibly abusive person: • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Does your partner monitor what you are doing all the time? Are you criticized for small things? Do you feel nervous around your partner? Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger? Does he constantly accuse you of being unfaithful? Do you feel pressured when it comes to sex? Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner? Does he prevent you or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to school or work? Do you feel uncomfortable being out with your friends or family when he's not around, and feel the need to explain yourself to him although you were doing nothing wrong? Does your partner humiliate you in front of others? Are they always checking up or questioning you about what you do without them? Does he get angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs? Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people? Does your partner's jealousy stop you from seeing friends and family? Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, crazy, stupid, or inadequate? Does your partner control how you spend your money? Or your use of needed medicine? Does your partner destroy your property or things that you care about? Does he threaten to hurt you, or the children, or pets, or does he hurt you by biting, pinching, hitting, pushing, shoving, slapping, smothering, kicking, punching, or pulling your hair? Do you feel with your partner that nothing you ever do is good enough? Have you ever been scared, or threatened by violent outburst? Does your partner prevent you from going out doing the things you want to do? Are you expected to do things to please your partner rather than please yourself? Do you always feel like you have to “make things right”? Are you the blame for his violent outburst or bad behavior, is everything always your fault?

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If you are being abused, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped. You may blame yourself for what is happening. You are never responsible for your partners abusive actions, no matter what others might say. Abuse, is a choice. Abuse is not your fault and you deserve better! If you feel like any of these indicators exist in your relationship, following we will be examining each form of abuse so that you will have help identifying what kind of abuse you may be experiencing. 1. Physical Abuse: is physical force or violence that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. It is involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, pain, injury, or other physical suffering or harm. It can include assault, battery, and inappropriate restraint. This can be hitting, grabbing, biting, choking, throwing things, and assault with a weapon. 2. Financial Abuse: A form of domestic violence in which the abuser uses money as a means of controlling his partner. The abuser may deny his partner money by forbidding his partner to work, or if she does work requiring her to hand her paycheck over to him. Any money that the abused may receive has to be accounted for by her to her abuser. The abuser may not allow her to see bank records or bills or credit cards. Some abusers refuse to work putting burden upon the partner to keep up the household. Financial abuse can also include making you buy things that you can not afford, taking your savings or retirement, having the abusers name on all your property such as cars, houses, mobile homes, or apartments, stealing your bank cards, or credit cards, getting you evicted, controlling all the money. 3. Sexual Abuse: includes rape, incest, attempted rape, or unwanted touching. The legal definition of forcible rape varies from state to state. However, it is generally viewed as penetration by force or threat of force of a body orifice, including the rectum, mouth or vagina. Penetration includes foreign objects and body parts, such as fingers. Most sexual assaults go unreported because the abused feel it was ultimately their fault and they may be viewed differently by friends and family. Men abuse women, women abuse men, sexual assault occur in all types of relationships, married and unmarried. Sexual assault is a criminal activity that the abuser uses to seek control and power in order to humiliate the abused. Whether the abuse is unwanted touching or forcible rape, the end result is physical and psychological violence to the abused. Directly after an assault, notify the police. Do NOT shower, bathe, douche, or destroy clothing, or straightened up the area where the abuse occurred. These acts may alter or destroy important evidence. Go to your nearest hospital or emergency room. 4. Verbal Abuse: a form of abusive behavior involving the use of language. Oral communication is the most common form of verbal abuse, but it also includes words in written form. If you are constantly being compared to others and told you are not good enough, put down or being called out of your name, you may be experiencing a form of verbal abuse. Other forms of verbal abuse are using words to shame the abused, yelling, swearing, screaming at the abused, using threats to intimidate the abused, blaming the abused, saying whatever it takes to play on the abused person's emotions. 5. Emotional and Psychological Abuse: includes all kinds of hurtful behaviors, words, insults, or actions designed to cause fear by manipulating, intimidating, threatening, or isolating the one being abused. It occur when one's feelings, thoughts, preferences, desires, needs, appearance or friendships are made out to be unimportant compared to the abuser's. Tactics may include putdowns and denial that previous incidents actually happened. It is characterized by a person © 2009 Comtree Consulting and Coaching Services

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subjecting or exposing another to behavior that is psychologically harmful. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing, it systematically wears away at your self confidence, your self-worth, your trust, and your self-concept, your self-esteem. This type of abuse does not leave physical bruises but it scars the souls of the ones being abused, it cuts the core of a person, it may leave deep emotional scars, causing feelings of worthlessness. Women who have been emotionally abused say that it is even more damaging and harder to heal than physical abuse. Emotional abuse is very hurtful and many women who are being emotionally abused do not realize what is happening to them. Abuse can have very damaging effects on the one being abused. The effects may include: ■ depression ■ lack of motivation ■ confusion ■ difficulty concentrating or making decisions ■ a loss of enthusiasm ■ a loss of self-confidence ■ low self-esteem ■ distrust of future relationships ■ feelings of failure ■ feelings of worthlessness and/or hopelessness ■ a growing self-doubt ■ self-destructiveness ■ a desire to escape or runaway ■ self blame ■ a internal “critical voice” ■ anxiety or fear of being crazy ■ a feeling of not being “good enough” ■ eating and sleeping disorders So now you've identified the type of abuse you're experiencing. It may be more than one, or just one form. Your abuse may be infrequent, but keep in mind that over time abuse always tends to escalate. When we love someone we tend to make excuses for their behavior, we always want to give them the benefit of the doubt. You can not stop your partners abuse, but you can find help or support for yourself. What are your next steps? You have options. You first need to determine whether you want to leave or stay. Whether you leave, or stay, you should develop a safety plan. Your safety plan should include:  Who you can call in the event of a crisis  If you need to flee temporarily, where can you go? Think of several different places and write down the addresses and phone numbers, and keep them with you.  If you need to flee from home, have an escape route at all times  Have a safe place, someone or someplace you can trust, for important paperwork in case you have to flee. Example: birth certificates, health records, social security cards, etc  Have a safe place for credit cards, extra cash, an extra set of keys, extra clothing and comfort items  Teach the children to call the police and/or family members  Change locks on doors and windows  Install a security system  Is a restraining order an option?  Have numbers and addresses to local community and legal resource centers  Review the safety of your childcare arrangements There are many support groups and domestic violence organizations that are here to assist you. If you need help, contact your local police station or the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-SAFE. Finding help for yourself is key. Becoming in tune with your higher power, whether through prayer or another source, is also another effective way in coping with your emotional anxieties. You are in a situation that you may feel is beyond your ability or control and it brings with it emotional anxieties.

© 2009 Comtree Consulting and Coaching Services

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So now that you have identified the signs, identified the form, and have developed a plan, what are your next steps to recovery? How do you break the cycle of abuse, instead of going from one abusive relationship to another? How do you reclaim your life, and get over the pain? How do you move on from an abusive relationship, and build yourself back up? All of these questions are answered and more in “Getting Past the Pain, A Guide to Healing”.

Have you ever wondered why you go from one abusive relationship to another? This time you thought he was different, why do you keep choosing the same type of guys? In our guide, you will learn how to properly identify an abuser, and how to create the relationship that you want. You will learn how to ask for what you want and what you need. You will learn how to let go of your abusive relationship or any abuse you may have experienced in your past. You will get in tune with yourself and your needs. You will learn how to love yourself, and achieve the success you want. You will learn the importance of boundaries, and how to set healthy boundaries in a healthy relationship. This guide will provide you with all the tools you need for change. Download today for only $9.95! Download for the introductory price of $9.95 and receive, for a limited time only, 30 minutes of Life Coaching (a $50.00 value) and one online chat session (a $25.00 value)

Get past the pain and learn to live the life you want! © 2009 Comtree Consulting and Coaching Services

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READ WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE EBOOK “I have had a very low self-esteem all my life. I have been in and out of abusive relationships. I've had several traumatic experiences in my life over recent years and it has caused me to deteriorate emotionally. I felt lost. By reading the report and then the ebook, my eyes have been opened! I see how the abuse I experienced as a child has affected my self esteem and my relationships. I've read many self help books in the past and found them difficult to understand. I could relate to all of the information that I've read. As a result from the information, and am starting to find myself and grow as a woman and a person. What an inspiration!” - Lorraine B, Sacramento, CA

“I finally got clarity. Thank you for saving my life!” - Moni P, Las Vegas, NV

“This book was an eye opener for me. I didn't realize how deeply affected I was by my abusive relationship. Since reading it, I have taken a few steps to improve my life. I appreciate your honesty in writing about a situation that is so prevalent.” - C. Bennet, Kansas City, Missouri

© 2009 Comtree Consulting and Coaching Services

www.comtreeconsulting.com