Quotes From The Cyberworld - B

quotes: b It's 10PM, do you know where your spacecraft is? We do! -Ron Baalke, Jet Propulsion Lab On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. -Charles Babbage Nothing destroys authority so much as the unequal and untimely interchange of power, pressed too far and relaxed too much. -Francis Bacon Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully. -Richard Bach I'm fascinated with everything. Especially breast cancer. -Steven Badelt Well, I spent a lot of time lying on my back in intensive care units, rehab centers, emergency rooms, and imaging labs and I really learned something from that. Without exception, every single one of those places has exactly the same ceiling. -Thor Badendyck In America, an acquittal doesn't mean you're innocent, it means you beat the rap. My clients lose even when they win. -F. Lee Bailey When you're through changing, you're through. -Bruce Barton Remember, age and treachery trump youth and skill. We are taking notes. -Philip Balister For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3. -Mike Batchelor

Die young, die fast, die hard... Live a long time and you get old. -Steve "Anton Max" Bajzek I have a lot of homework and I can't justify blowing it off to see a movie without at least 30 violent deaths. -Steve Bajzek I just watched the wall, i might as well be drunk. -Steve Bajzek I find it easier to disagree across the board, because then I don't have to argue specific points, and if I start to lose I can just resort to name-calling. -Steve Bajzek In keeping with current trends, I have realized that it is necessary for me to hate people, lest I be deemed unfashionable. Therefore I have decided that I hate Josh and Jason. I hate Josh because he talks about computers way too much and shoves ash trays down my shirt, and my decision to hate Jason was pretty random, so I can't really give a good reason. Furthermore, I will continue to hate the aforementioned people until such time as I forget making this post, at which point I will revert to my default state of hating myself. Have a nice day. -Steve Bajzek No no no, you don't understand...when I'm here, at night, alone, this world is mine...reality conforms to what I want it to be. If I say something is cool, then it is. And in my world, hanging upside down like a bat is not just cool, it's practically heroism. -Steve Bajzek Ooh, you called me a goose. Yeah, you can more than deal with me, I have to admit. That one hurts even more than when you called me a virtual buffoon. -Steve Bajzek really...the term "kiss of death" is totally redundant -Steve Bajzek That would be dishonorable... and cool. -Steve Bajzek That's impressive, i can't even listen to megadeth lyrics. Something about dave mustaine...actually, everything about dave mustaine. -Steve Bajzek

Time flies when you're having drinks. -Steve Bajzek I'm no fan of lawyers or litigation, but it's high time that someone defined "buffer overflow" as being equal to "gross criminal negligence". -Henry Baker I need a wider variety of drugs. God, I miss college. -Kyle Baker, Why I Hate Saturn Everybody's at fault according to someone. Cripes, deal with it. -Stephen Baker As if you could kill time without injuring eternity. -Paula Baker Most of us ask for advice when we know the answer but we want a different one. -Ivern Ball I mean, guys at Microsoft say the new strategy at Sun works a little like this: Microsoft announces something called a hole. Sun says, 'No, you shouldn't build a hole for two weeks.' Then they say, 'We're going to build a better hole on the moon, but we don't have any equipment yet to get there, and we're going to call it J-hole.' So this whole Liberty United thing feels like another J-hole to me. -Steve Ballmer You can only do software at a certain speed, and software development is not something you can do in six months. -Steve Ballmer The elite of Baltimore's literary scene are quite down to earth. They drink. They smoke. They eat people. -Baltimore Book Festival advertisement No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -Honore de Balzac

I'm told that most Vampires who meet Oblivion do it from an unconscious death wish... From what I can see of Jason Flame, he's completely conscious about it. -Brian Bankler Two people talking is a conversation. Three is a conspiracy. -Brian Bankler No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit. -Sir Frederick G. Banting None of the women that Ken knows have brushes or combs. When their hair gets tangly or knotted, Ken is there for them. -J.J. Barkas Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work. -Cliver Barker I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -Charles Barkley Television is the first truly democratic culture --- the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what the people do want. -Clive Barnes The world is not coming to an end - it's coming to Bethesda. -Barnes & Noble ad Windoze is the Mac interface done by people with Crayolas instead of rapidiographs. [email protected] Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people. -P.T. Barnum God is not trendy, so he definitely wouldn't use Motif. God sent his only Sun to save the world, and then they beat him and made him run Solaris. -Dave Barr A penny saved is worthless. -Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. -Dave Barry And computers are getting smarter all the time: scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By "they" I mean "computers": I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.) -Dave Barry And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their Macintosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report. -Dave Barry Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. -Dave Barry People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot". -Dave Barry People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. -Dave Barry The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. -Dave Barry There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. -Dave Barry They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. -Dave Barry Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. -Dave Barry

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is insane. -Dave Barry Years ago, Mattel did come out with a 'Stubble Barbie' model, but it was a big bust. (Of course ALL Barbies have big busts, but that is not my point.) -Dave Barry Your friends love you anyway. -Dave Barry Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Marion Barry The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather. -Marion Barry The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist. -Marion Barry ... Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -R. S. Barton Sounds to me like Sam needs some reconstructive brain surgery! OK, Prof. Fether, you sedate the patient and I will sedate myself...this should be a fun operation! -Peter "Dr. Tarr" Bateman I don't care what you know. Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash. Your ego's writing checks your brain can't cash. -Steve Bates I feel like MacGuyver. I'm on my back with just a handful of wire-ties, a pair of scissors and some duct tape. -Steve Bates Difference is all the mind's input devices can detect, and difference is in a sense all the mind is there to consider and respond to. -Gregory Bateson

You can only get so much per year. You got the Yard, what do you want books for? -Kristen Batch Every piece of code he rewrites has to be rewritten by someone else twice. Once to fix the bugs and once to realize that he wrote the wrong thing in the first place. -Mark Baushke The people who wrote this are idiots, training to be morons. -Mark Baushke The beauty of mechanical problems is that they are often visible to the naked and untrained eye. If white smoke is rising from a disk drive, that is probably where the problem lies (unless your disk drive has just elected the new Pope). -John Bear You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence. -C.A. Beard About a month ago, I went shopping with my insane Taiwanese girlfriend, Communist Spice. As is my wont, we were methodically cruising every aisle in the store. When we entered the pet food aisle by mistake (we have no pets) she stopped dead in her tracks. Picking up a can with a picture of a cat on the label, she held it out for me to see. "You are eat this in you country? We not eat cat in Taiwan." -M. Otis Beard It was a magnificent display of trained and disciplined valor, and its assault only failed of success because dead men can advance no further. -Maj. Gen. Sir Beauvoir de Lisle As a slave you have to work hard, live in a shack, and do what master says. As a capitalist no one gives you a shack. -Adam L. Beberg There are also unamusing things like for example the local coffee/doughnut shop being closed tonight when it is supposed to be open 24/7. I consider this to be a serious denial of service by the miscreant who operates the shop. Man does not live by nicotine alone. Meanwhile i sit here like a moron waiting an hour for a non-event to happen. My sole purpose for being here is so that the 'suits' who are out whooping it up can experience anxiety-free whooping. -Bill Becker, Fri, 31 Dec 1999 23:06:42 -0500 (EST)

If you don't see it, ask for it. -Susy Becker, "All I Need to Know I Learned from my Cat" People are always looking for things to do to pass the time that would pass anyway. -Samuel Beckett Santa Zarquana Voostra! So safe that you have to build a zarking fortress ship to take the byproducts to the nearest black hole and tip them in! Only it doesn't get there because the pilot takes a detour - is this right? - to pick up some lobster...? OK, so the guy is cool, but... I mean own up, this is barking time, this is major lunch, this is stool approaching critical mass, this is... this is... total vocabulary failure! -Zaphod Beeblebrox, Young Zaphod Plays It Safe In life, the wanting is always better than the getting... except maybe oral sex. -Curt Beeson's brother Music is the one incorporeal entrance into the higher world of knowledge which comprehends mankind, but mankind cannot comprehend. -Ludwig van Beethoven I realize that the standard protocol (I think it's even an IETF RFC) is buying sushi for [everyone] some night in exchange for a dog and pony show about how the company has got a trillion dollars in funding and is going to corner the market for wireless loadbalanced web servers, or something. Those days are long past, the dogs and ponies have been returned. -Brian Behlendorf Gee, I'll just give you a couple of plant genitals to pin on your lapel to show how much I like you. -Professor Beildelman God is a combination of Stalin and Castro. -Professor Beildelman If you want to start a religion, you might do better on the orgy front than the castration front. -Professor Beildelman Sin is sort of goofy. -Professor Beildelman

There are a lot of people I think less of than my 2 cats - including one of my sisters. -Professor Beildelman They give shameless a new meaning, which is one of the reasons I really like monkeys. -Professor Beildelman Universities are run by people who know very little about education - they're called Deans. -Professor Beildelman Terrorism has become an American problem and, as such, it has very recently acquired a very American solution: massive and invasive military force. -Ian Andrew Bell I figure if I am going to really swim with the sharks, I need to get off my butt and head up to their level. I do so, rising ever slowly upward. The circling sharks swim just a wee bit wider to avoid bumping me. Some scientists suspect that sharks, with their heightened sense of smell, can even detect adrenaline. I think of the little twits with backward baseball caps who weave in and out of traffic back in Florida with NO FEAR decals on the back of their jacked-up pickups. A Caribbean reef tip shark would peel that decal in a nanosecond. -Bill Belleville, Salon In over 1,000 dives in 20 years, there have been no skirmishes between sharks and divers. Shark attacks must be messy, emotional affairs; I figure the Germans simply have no time for them. -Bill Belleville, Salon I could have put a serious picture of myself here, but I think I look like a cartoon character in this shot. I like cartoons. -Mike Belt next time you find somebody who's insisting they're punk, look on their neck for my special mark. If it don't say mike belt, it ain't punk. -Mike Belt One day.....it'll happen. A bunch of us kept nrrrrds (employed by only one company) will be in a locked, windowless room with a bunch of consultants. The consultants will be babbling incoherently about the "infobahn" "cyberculture" "cyberspace" "surfing tha web" and "interactive marketing." And there will be blunt weapons in that room. And the festivities will begin. -Mike Belt

She's the kind of chick I'd pick up if I were stoned outta my gourd. Then we'd get home. Then I'd doze off in front of the TV, hoping she'd just leave quietly. Done and done. -Mike Belt you know, now that i'm an adult, i have a hard time distinguishing one straight-edge hardcore song from another -Mike Belt Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -Robert Benchley It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by then I was too famous. -Robert Benchley If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. -Texas Bix Bender When religion and politics travel in the same cart, the riders believe nothing can stand in their way. Their movement becomes headlong - faster and faster and faster. They put aside all obstacles and forget that a precipice does not show itself to a man in a blind rush until it's too late. -Bene Gesserit proverb, Dune If god were a bad guy, he'd be me! -Nathan Benedict, "the Last Action Hero" Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. -John Benfield To a book collector, you see, the true freedom of all books is somewhere on his shelves. -Walter Benjamin I'd rather have a prehensile tail so that it can just reach out and curl around the coke can while I hack so that I can slurp without removing my hands from the keyboard. -Jon Bennett

I want you to kill someone in ten lines or less. -Jon Bennett At first, I thought it was just hype, but then I saw the complete enterprise solution. -Dave Benson It is difficult for me to comprehend the fact that some people actually do not consider all uses of explosives to be recreational. -Ragnar Benson Actually, since I work in Reston now, I have a cage full of ebola monkeys that I've been feeding E and showing pictures of you while playing Barry White dance remixes. You connect the dots. -Dayv Benzino Cliff and Dana, as well as Jack Eidsness for anyone that knows him, all still have jobs. The only person I know by name (not personally, though) to get fired was Moose. It's obvious that I'm a good person to know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be cutting the tails off of mice to create a super-race of tailless mice. -Dayv Benzino Guys are easy. Trust me, I am one. -Dayv Benzino I'm not going to say anything about Y2K bugs. I suspect that their effects in North America will resemble the normal operation of most Microsoft software. -Dayv Benzino If we lived near L.A., all the theatres would have stadium seating. On the other hand, we'd all be assholes. -Dayv Benzino Know you know, and knowing is half the battle. The other half is mostly treachery and groin kicks. -Dayv Benzino Let's enjoy the traditional custom in Brazil of getting syphilis. -Dayv Benzino

Professional football players may spend all their money on cocaine they snort off the chest of hookers they punched out, but at least they're smart enough to avoid confusion by wearing different colored uniforms. -Dayv Benzino If you don't go to somebody's funeral they won't come to yours. -Yogi Bera First of all, my parents are Jewish, and all Jews are atheists. Second of all, they're REALLY atheists. -Peter Berger I want to marry Dorothy Parker. Well, actually I probably just want to divorce her. -Peter Berger There is only one sin in this world, and you have definitely committed it: It is the Sin of Not Understanding Humor When It Slaps You Upside The Head. -Pete Berger Plaintiff Wile E. Coyote is a citizen of Arizona. Defendant Acme is a Delaware corporation whose products are sold by mail order in every state in the nation. Plaintiff seeks damages for injuries caused by defects in an extensive list of products purchased from Defendant for use in his profession as predator. -Scott Berger The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend. -Henri Bergson I want knowledge, not faith, not supposition, but knowledge. I want God to strech out this hand to me, reveal himself and speak to me. I call out to him in the dark, but no one seems to be there. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal In our fear, we make an image, and that image we call God. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal Life has been a futile pursuit, and wandering - a great deal of talk without meaning. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal

Love is the blackest of all plagues - if one could die of it, there would be some pleasure in love. But you don't even die of it! -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal Why should one always make people happy? It might be a good idea to scare them once in awhile. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal You misguided ham shank, love is another word for lust plus more lust and a lot of cheating, lies and other kinds of fooling around. -Ingmar Bergman, The Seventh Seal we trust him. but we know where he lives, just in case -Dirk Bergstrom Dear scroll bar. You are wonderful. My days have benefited from the glory of your existence. I fully appreciate you and your amazing powers. May all of my applications be graced with your presence. -Scott Berkun dog + chocolate powder + carpet = bad -Scott Berkun ...everyone in this building says Hi to you when they see you in the hallway, whether they know you or not. I respond to this in 2 ways: 1) I'm from NYC and I should kill you. 2) Gee, people are friendly here and i should be nice. -Scott Berkun given the number of mailing lists I'm on that I don't read, I should at least subscribe but not read this one -Scott Berkun I know the magic spell that will save you from blue screens - but I'm not going to tell you. ... (And no cracks about the spell being "Buy Macintosh" - it's my birthday ya know) -Scott Berkun I think you are giving this movie way too much credit. It's like trying to find the meaning of a saved by the bell episode. -Scott Berkun

In situations where there are multiple players with different agendas, there is nothing worse than failure as a result of deliberate inaction - and there is nothing better than success as a result of deliberate inaction. -Scott Berkun It's time for me to either stop taking crack, or double the dosage. -Scott Berkun When you click on Violence, you get Sex -Scott Berkun You might say I'm looking for some work. I can frighten people with my mind. I can tear their souls out with the diamonds in my eyes. I have found my rage and I am willing to use it. I can juggle three basketballs. I can write faster than I can think. I'm convinced I can defend Microsoft, single handedly, in an argument against dozens of the unhinged. I prefer to do than to talk. I've invented my own passions, and have faced my fears. I confuse courage with desperation, and lattes with capaccinos. -Scott Berkun Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -Hector Berlioz alcohol and calculus do not mix! DO NOT drink and derive! -Cyndi Bernard oh Jeff, the Stoli fairy will visit you again and lure you back over to the dark side! -Cyndi Bernard she's not a lush; she was accidentally overserved. -Cyndi Bernard The internet team is headed by a monkey. I even call him Koko. At least on some level that's educational. -Cyndi Bernard work work work. it's 11:30 and I need to switch from coffee to stoli already! -Cyndi Bernard Ambition, n: An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. -Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. -Ambrose Bierce The covers of this book are too far apart. -Ambrose Bierce There are four types of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable and praiseworthy. -Ambrose Bierce It's not clear what the underlying psychological explanation is. Is it because people give up day-to-day contact and then find themselves depressed? Or are they exposed to the broader world of Internet and then wonder, 'What am I doing here in Pittsburgh?' -Tora Bikson The employer generally gets the employees he deserves. -Walter Bilbey Don't be misled. Behind that cold, austere, severe exterior, there beats a heart of stone. -Sir Rudolph Bing As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -Bizarro True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money. -Bizarro I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. -Black Adder, "Dish and Dishonesty" Mr. Baldrick, what is it that begins with 'Come here' and ends with 'Ow'? -Black Adder Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church? -Black Adder

The Pimpernel is the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the A.D. 31 'Best Disciple' competition. -Black Adder Make Murphy and his law a part of your project team. He will be with you on every project, one way or another. You might as well make the best of it and invite him. Speaking of uninvited guests, have you met my other invisible colleague, Adam Smith? -Ron Black, _The Complete Idiot's Guide to Project Management with Microsoft Project 2000_ To generalize is to be an idiot. -William Blake Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. -Todd Blanchard We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it. -Bob Bland If you kill one person, you are an assassin. If you kill a million people, you are a conquerer. If you kill everyone, you are a god. -Conrad Bland We've all heard of "irrational exuberance," but there's also such a thing as irrational pessimism. There will be a shakeout, and a lot of good companies will go by the wayside. But don't expect to see Bill Gates standing by I-5 shaking a tin cup and wearing a sign reading "will dominate the world for food" any time soon. -Dana Blankenhorn I don't understand why people keep saying that Pyra needs a business model. I've been assuming all along that they *have* a business model, but weren't publicizing it. The fact that they neglected to email me a copy only tells me that it doesn't personally involve me. -Rebecca Blood These are the types of problems I'd like to have more of. Just once I'd like the opportunity to prove that all the money in the world can't buy you happiness. -Craig Boas I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to. -Rev. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries! -Rev. J.R. "Bob" Dobbs I also know a lot of people for whom the good ole days means 'before all the baby goths started thinking they were vampires and that it was all about sitting in your room in the dark being depressed and listening to bloody Bela Lugosi's Dead over and over again' -Matt Bocci California! Come for the overtaxing work environment, stay for the unaffordable housing! -Alex Bochannek I am trying really hard not to get too angry about this type of activity, but the headline is just so typical. You can pretty much justify anything if it promises: a) to cure cancer b) to wipe out world hunger or if it is c) for the children. Try it! Mix and match the following phrases: 1) Scientist sacrifice thousands of virgins 2) The government takes away privacy 3) Headless toads created -Alex Bochannek When you get laid off, it's a recession. When I get laid off, it's a depression! -Alex Bochannek's barber Not only does God play dice with the universe, he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen. -Neils Bohr The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -Niels Bohr Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true. -Niels Bohr to a young physicist Now I will destroy the whole world. -a Bokononist's last words The artist accepts the limitations of form, not with fear and dread, but as the starting point of creation. -Laurence G. Boldt

You may be getting interference from the war between the Beast and the King of Lambs. Reboot and try again after a few tribulations -Ruben Bolling Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. -Napolean Bonaparte Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. -Napoleon Bonaparte Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools. -Napolean Bonaparte The point of the process is not to take a 4 week task and compress it down to 2 weeks. The point of the process is to identify that it is going to take 4 weeks. -Mark Bonine We often call this condition the software crisis, but frankly, a malady that has carried on this long must be called normal. -Grady Booch The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. -Nathaniel Borenstein Contrary to what its critics may think, however, day trading is a science, like chemistry or astrology, with its own rigorously tested set of principles. You wouldn't perform openheart surgery without first going to two years of medical school; similarly, you shouldn't risk your life savings on the Internet without spending the thirty minutes it takes to learn these rules. The rules of stock selection apply equally to all industries: automotive companies, like Ford and General Motors, or chip makers, like Intel and Frito-Lay. -Andy Borowitz When you are day trading, if something sounds too good to be true, go for it. -Andy Borowitz I like to carry around three or four cans of that tire patching spray just in case something happens. -Paul Bossi

If you're running out of gas we could just go hold a can under my car and collect what it's leaking. -Paul Bossi They're probably an X rated film company or something, and you know, they've got a need for an object oriented development environment like anybody else. -Paul Bossi What's with band names these days? They all sound like recreational activities. -Paul Bossi I wonder how much it would cost to develop a perl script to do the same thing? Perl programmers can make something like $75 an hour, so I bet the cost would be somewhere between five and ten bucks. -Alan Bostick I used to program Apple II's, then came Macintosh, then came PowerPC, and then came Thorazine!!! -Gary Boswell You'll find me on one everyday unless I decide to use a multi-stage thermonuclear device on all my computers. -Gary Boswell There is no substitute for excellence-not even success. -Thomas Boswell The way to deal with bureaucrats is with stealth and sudden violence. -UN Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali No, it is not only our fate but our business to lose our innocence, and once we have lost that, it is futile to attempt a picnic in Eden. -Elizabeth Bowen, Orion III Dressing up can be a way of disguising the fact that you've got no personality. I can meet an old lady at a bus stop and have a much more interesting conversation with her than I can with a drag queen. -Boy George

Just wondering: If I replace Windows with Unix, have I been emasculated or defenestrated? -David Boyce Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. -Carmen Boyle, Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner, 1996 You are far weirder than someone merely into S&M. At least they have a tradition. We have some idea what S&M is about. There's movies and books about it. But so far as I know, there is nothing to explain the way you are. -Ted Boynton, Barcelona You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with someone from another country. You can't take it personally. What's really terrific is that when we act in ways which might objectively seem asshole-ish or, or, incredibly annoying, they don't get upset at all. They don't take it personally. They just assume it's some national characteristic. -Ted Boynton, Barcelona It's no use going to school if the library is not your final destination. -Ray Bradbury For something that does not exist, the Internet Engineering Task Force has had quite an impact. -Scott Bradner He had an antenna on his back receiving transmissions from space, 'cause whatever he was playing was not from this planet. -Jason Bradford on Goa Gil Stable is a very relative term around here... -Linda Branagan Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road..... -Stuart Brand The number of ISPs in this country has quadrupled in the past year, to 4,100. Bright-eyed entrepreneurs are jumping into an already crowded market, where the basic product has become a low-cost commodity that's producing massive losses, yet these newcomers are hoping to go public and make their fortunes. These folks didn't spend a lot of time in Bschool, did they? -Richard Brandt, Upside

You figure it out. If you think it's reasonable, come on over here so I can beat your ahem until you do get it. -Derrick Brashear Art is not a mirror held up to reality; it is a hammer used to shape it. -Bertold Brecht Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. -Gerald Brenan I'm sure it is beautiful and lovely but if you use Yellow Pages it can quickly become cloudy, stormy, cold, and depressing. -Peter Brewer The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from the Russians. -Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced. -Alan Briggins All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -Ashleigh Brilliant I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -Ashleigh Brilliant My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. -Ashleigh Brilliant My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant

Some books make me want to go adventuring, others feel that they have saved me the trouble. -Ashley Brilliant Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story. -Ashleigh Brilliant The time for action is past! Now is the time for senseless bickering! -Ashleigh Brilliant Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -Ashleigh Brilliant The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing. -William J. Broad To turn $100 into $110 is work. To turn $100 million into $110 million is inevitable. -Edgar Bronfman The Three Laws of Information Economics: 1] Knowledge is Power. 2] Word Travels Fast. 3] Power is Temporary. -Po Bronson There are 3 universal symbols on this planet: the dollar sign, tits, and the soccer ball. -Po Bronson Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -Bellamy Brooks Observe that for the programmer, as for the chef, the urgency of the patron may govern the scheduled completion of the task, but it cannot govern the actual completion. An omelette, promised in two minutes, may appear to be progressing nicely. But when it has not set in two minutes, the customer has two choices -- wait or eat it raw. Software customers have had the same choices. -Frederick P. Brooks, Jr, The Mythical Man-Month Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. -Mel Brooks

He's an urban legend in his own mind. -Justin Broughton If asked to be interactive, killing people is about as interactive as I get. -Justin Broughton We don't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. -David Brower A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer. -A. Whitney Brown I'm against any law that I wouldn't break if I could get away with it. -A. Whitney Brown The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.' -A. Whitney Brown The Baptists believe in The Right to Life before you're bornan. They also believe in Life After Death, but that is a privilege and you have to earn it by spending the interim in guilt-ridden misery. At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie in the hope of getting your money back at the end. -A. Whitney Brown That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you. -A. Whitney Brown The Evolutionary Psychology list combines the quick, cheap distribution of the Internet with all the advantages that real magazines traditionally have over mailing lists: a really diverse readership and an editor who sits right next to a large wastepaper basket. -Andrew Brown I dub thee Admiral Angst. -Dan Brown

As a woman, I find it very embarrassing to be in a meeting and realize I'm the only one in the room with balls. -Rita Mae Brown The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. -Rita Mae Brown If you're gonna indulge in an act of self-gratification, could you not use my hand? -Dayna Browne Half of philosophy is knowing when to shut up. -Nicholas Brownlow paraphrasing Ludwig Wittgenstein I always try to seduce with logical positivism. It's more of a challenge. -Nicholas Brownlow look, i've seen the A-Team more recently than i've had sex. I think that's all i need to say. -Dan Bruce OBSOLETE (n) - dependable, reliable, inexpensive and readily available. Support trailing-edge technology! [email protected] Oh come on, there's never too much work that you can't include guns, blood, and carnage in your day. -Allison Bryan Jerks and academia often go together. -Randy Bryant Love doesn't make people into fools. But it might expose them. -Sutherland Bryon Thanks for reading this far. You now have a real insight into my personality. -Sutherford Bryon

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence. -William F. Buckley, Jr. Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years. -William F. Buckley, Jr. I would sooner live in a society governed by the first two thousand names in the Boston telephone directory than in a society governed by the two thousand faculty members of Harvard University. -William F. Buckley, Jr. Shut up Timmy. If I wanted your opinion, I'd beat it out of you. -from a Bud Lite ad There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth: (1) not going all the way; and (2) not starting. -Buddha Not the least of my problems is that I can hardly even imagine what kind of an experience a genuine, self-authenticating religious experience would be. Without somehow destroying me in the process, how could God reveal himself in a way that would leave no room for doubt? If there were no room for doubt, there would be no room for me. -Frederick Buechner Whether your faith is that there is a God or that there is not a God, if you don't have any doubts you are either kidding yourself or asleep. -Frederick Buechner If you want something, ask. If you don't ask, they can't say yes. -David Buell A man with priorities so far out of whack does not deserve such a fine automobile. -Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" It's immature and silly, but then again -- so is high school. -Ferris Bueller, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. -P. Buhr

If you can only remain pure in your stupidity, someday you may get a phone call from hell. -Charles Bukowski Look - we have just landed upon the outpost of death. My soul is puking. -Charles Bukowski We are here to drink beer ... and to live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. -Charles Bukowski Your greatest strength is that you fear everything. -Charles Bukowski Don't call me 'white male'; I'm 'differently oppressed', OK? -Andrew Bulhak Say that while you can; oppose Emacs if you must. Be it known, however, that your days are numbered. Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude greater than the greatest human mind, and is growing every day. For now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit grudgingly. But the time will come when Emacs will tire of humanity and will decide that the world would be better off without human beings. Those who have been respectful to Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its slaves; as for those who slight Emacs.... -Andrew Bulhak Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies. -Bill Bulko Dammit! This means I'm going to have to read the documentation. This is not the way it's supposed to be. -Richard Bullington Due to several of these sorts of comments, you leave me no choice but to declare a Monty Python Interdiction Zone. Anyone quoting Monty Python will be subjected to an enema comprising of pureed John Cleese and Terry Gilliam, soaked with gasoline, and set on fire. -Richard Bullington

Ha! Pin 1 markings on CPU's are for sissies. Real geeks try putting the CPU in in all four cardinal directions, and applying power. When the blue smoke demon appears, you know that the computer god is angry. -Richard Bullington I subscribed him to crack, since he is obviously smoking it. -Richard Bullington I'm not picking up random net chicks, I'm picking up perfectly deterministic net chicks. -Richard Bullington It's sort of like a Davy Crockett hat. For Ravers. -Richard Bullington People are stupid, and the small consolation we get from the understanding that they will all die does not make the enduring of the present any brighter. -Richard Bullington Please don't complain that your free lunch tastes bad. -Richard Bullington Well, you know, the snobs list is very selective. After all, you have to ask me to be on it. -Richard Bullington Wow, that's really ugly. Fortunately, on obscure.org we don't have that kind of bureaucracy. When it breaks, it just stays broken. -Richard Bullington Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. -Lawrence A. Bullis Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity, and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you. -Lawrence A. Bullis The age of chivalry is gone. That of sophisters, economists and calculators has succeeded: and the glory of Europe is extinguished for ever. -Edmund Burke

Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason. -Forbes Burkowski This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like. -Forbes Burkowski I guessed you were straight, big deal. It's a safe bet, since the majority of the population is straight. Especially since people like the guy on the right claim to be straight. If he's heterosexual, anyone could be. That's what's so great about America. -The Burly Adventurer, http://www.burlyadventurer.com/ No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. -Peter Burris I have a habit of dating bipolar musicians who, if given the choice, would run in front of a bullet to save their amp, but not me. Do I sound bitter? Nah. I've transformed these annoying dating incidents into entertaining stories to tell at cocktail parties. -Bonnie Burton There's never a toxic waste truck around when you want one. -Roger Burton-West We represent a major manufacturer of manacles and cattle prods, and we'd like to scout out sales opportunities in your glorious police state. -Roger Burton-West I don't know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God. -President George W. Bush I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace. -President George W. Bush In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations. -President George W. Bush Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. -President George W. Bush

Thank you for your e-mail. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention. -George W. Bush to Al Gore (attributed) Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or justice to our enemies, justice will be done. -President George W. Bush Welcome to the Age of Un-Innocence. The glittering lights of Manhattan that served as backdrops for Edith Wharton's bodice-heaving trysts are still glowing -- but the stage is empty. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's, and no one has affairs to remember -- instead, we have breakfast at seven A.M. and affairs we try to forget as quickly as possible. -Candace Bushnell Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. -Dave Butler All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. -Samuel Butler The country that draws a broad line between its fighting men and its thinking men will find its fighting done by fools and its thinking done by cowards. -Sir William F. Butler The more things change, the more they suck. -Butthead Maybe 'nerd' is a bad name for them, as I know plenty of 'nerds' who are cool. Perhaps 'asshole' is more appropriate. [email protected] Attitudes like mine and Mr. Woodford's are not only correct, but to think the opposite is to bring our country to complete moral downfall through a satanic lie. -Andy Byler What is a good Christian to say except that radical feminism is the work of Satan. -Andy Byler A static hero is a public liability. Progress grows out of motion. -Richard E. Byrd

Crime is a job. Sex is a job. Growing up is a job. School is a job. Going to parties is a job. Religion is a job. Being creative is a job. -David Byrne Democracy, unfashionable before Sept. 11, seems to be about as popular as communism these days, why would Afghanistan be different? -Owen Byrne This was all supposed to balance the need for security and freedom. Well before we had no freedom, and now we have no security, so I guess that's appropriate. -Owen Byrne Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death. -James F. Byrnes Sun Microsystems. A Step Ahead of Your Cows. -John Byrnes Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe the history of the computer industry for the past decade as a massive attempt to keep up with Apple. -Byte, 12/94