Providence Red

PROVIDENCE RED (16) Written By Harry J. Chong FADE IN: EXT. STREETS – NIGHT JON walks along the street. A knife wielding ROBBER springs from behind the lamppost. ROBBER Don’t move! Jon has a thick Australian accent. JON (points) Cut Co., am I right? ROBBER What?! JON (wagging finger) Well I’ll tell you right here mate. I am not interested in purchasing your knives. ROBBER I’m not selling knives you moron -- this is a robbery! JON You’re serious? ROBBER Yes, yes! I’m robbing you! JON Well that’s not very nice of you. In fact I could go as far to say it’s quite very rude. ROBBER I am a robber. I’m not supposed to be nice. I am supposed to be mean, scary and smelly. JON

I don’t think you have to be smelly to be a robber. ROBBER Shut up! You know what I mean. JON So uh what exactly are you looking to steal? ROBBER I don’t know. Jewels? You got Jewels? JON Why would I be carrying around jewels? And furthermore what would you do with them? Nobody wants to buy stinky used jewellery. ROBBER Russell Oliver would. JON Russell Oliver is a douche bag. ROBBER I know but he could still give me cash. Cash! Cash! Cash! JON (VO) Jesus. I gotta do something before he snatches my deluxe faux ostrich wallet... Jon steps forward. JON Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping! ROBBER What the... Robber punches Jon in the face (black eye) and knocks him down flat. He grabs his wallet and flees. JON Aw man!

TITLE CARD: “PROVIDENCE RED” INT. JON’S HOUSE– DAY DINING ROOM Jonny Oz and EDdie English are at the dining room table drinking tea and discussing politics. Jon has a faded black eye. JON (Australian accent) Batman’s a fag. ED (British accent) Batman is not a fag! JON Oh really? Then why the fag is he hanging out with that Robin all the time? You can’t get that close to a man without being a homosexual. ED They is close to each other like brothers. But they ain’t packing away the fudge. JON If that is the case, then what was that video I was watching last night? ED That was Broke Back Mountain yah silly cunt! JON Hey wasn’t that movie done by the guy who directed The Hulk? ED I think so. Uh -- Ang Lee right? JON Can you imagine if The Hulk was queer? What a difficult time that would be; finding

the right partner to fit his massive neon green penis. ED What about The Green Giant? JON The vegetable man on the tele’? ED Yeah. Him. JON Honestly? I don’t think it could work out. ED And why not? JON Look I know you think they could get along because they’re both big and green. But let me tell you something Ed. The Green Giant’s Wang is a brittle cucumber. And The Hulk is a very angry character. Do you really think The Green Giant could survive rough sex with The Hulk? ED If it was normal sex maybe. JON But this isn’t normal sex. It’s gay sex. ED Are you implying what I think you’re implying? JON It’s not normal. ED You’re a bloody homophobe aren’t you? JON

Mate. Let me tell you something about the Aussies. The only person we men like seeing in tight shorts is The Crocodile Hunter. And he’s dead. ED Jon. Usually you’re the rational person in this “partnership” but if you think there’s something wrong and abnormal about queers and steers -- you’re being an ignorant Yank’ you are! JON If it’s so perfectly natural then why don’t you give it a shot then Ed?! ED I’m not a bloody fruit fly. JON Right you’re not a fag -- like Batman. ED Hey! Stop using that word. Batman is not a fag. And that’s an extremely derogatory term for homosexuals. JON No the word “nigger” is derogatory. The American use for the word “fag” on the other hand is highly entertaining. Ed stands up and leaves. Jon bites into a ginger snap. EXT. STREETS – ESTABLISHING – DAY A first person view bike ride through the city. Various shots of graffiti ridden walls, decrepit homes, transients, and prostitutes -- typical city stuff. EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY ED arrives at the park. He locks his bike to a tree and meets the DRUG DEALER sitting on the bench. Drug Dealer gets up to shake his hand.

ED Hello there Binnder. DRUG DEALER (Indian accent) For the last time! My fucking name is not Binnder. ED Right whatever Binnder. You got the stuff? DRUG DEALER Yes but it is only a pound. ED In English. DRUG DEALER Jero [sic] point four five kilo. ED Same price as last time? DRUG DEALER No. ED No? What the bloody hell do you mean “no”? Drug Dealer reaches into his jacket and takes out a brown paper bag. DRUG DEALER This is a special Mary-jew-wanna. (smells bag) It is from the ancient Indian jungles of Agraba. It is well known for its mystical properties. JON And how much more are these “mystical properties” gonna cost me? DRUG DEALER For you? Triple the price.

JON Triple the bloody price?! How do you expect me to retail a product for triple the bloody price? DRUG DEALER Trust me you can sell it. JON Not for triple the bloody price! DRUG DEALER Look! I don’t have time for this. I have an arranged marriage to attend to, so if you don’t want it -Drug Deal opens his jacket to put away the drugs. Ed grabs the bag. JON Alright fine! I’ll try it out. DRUG DEALER Great! (points) Just make sure nobody smokes it after midnight. ED What is this fucking Grimlins? DRUG DEALER It’s Gremlins asshole, not Grimlins. ED Whatever. Ed looks inside the bag. ED This better be good. Ed reaches into his back pocket and hands Drug Dealer a padded envelope.

DRUG DEALER Now! Even though I have your money I am still concern [sic] with my customer. So take me serious when I say not to smoke it after midnight. ED This ain’t for personal consumption. DRUG DEALER Well whoever smokes it; don’t forget... CLOSE-UP – DRUG DEALER’S MOUTH DRUG DEALER It is very, very, very important. ED Whatever. Ed rolls up his sleeve and looks at his watch. ED Gotta go! Ed begins walking away. DRUG DEALER Don’t forget! Ed sticks up his middle finger. DRUG DEALER Lick my testicles you stupid immigrant!

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY LIVING ROOM Jon is watching TV. Ed enters the room and tosses a Ziploc bag of doobies onto his lap.

ED I hope everything is in order. Jon tosses the bag back to Ed. ED What’s all this then? JON Unfortunately dear brother this ain’t the green I’m craving for. ED You want money for rent? Is that it then? Jon nods his head. Ed folds his arms. ED Fine. Money it is. Yah greedy bastard. JON I’m sorry Ed but I have a real job. I can’t get high every minute y’know. ED Still working at the bloody factory yeah? JON It’s a shitty job, but it’s a job nonetheless. ED Seriously you gotta quit that J-O-B m’bloke. It’s killing yah.

JON Your drug money alone ain’t enough mate. Me have to pay the rent y’know. ED Well what happened to that thousand dollars I gave you last time? JON

We got high and snuck on a plane to China and bought a Mah-jong table from a Chinaman named Wu. I believe he was a Chinaman, but he was awfully dark for a Chinaman. Mighta been Filipino. ED ...We have Chinese Dominoes? JON No we threw that off The Great Wall of China. ED And for what particular reason? JON We thought a pink elephant was chasing us. Turns out it was just a regular elephant. (shakes head) I knew we shouldn’t have ate those fucking peanuts. ED Well my friend that was in the past. No time for regrets. “Keep moving forward,” that’s what I always say. JON You never say that. In fact this is the first time you’ve said that. ED (sarcastic) Is it? Oh master of conversations? JON ...Shut the fuck up and go sell those goddamn drugs already. ED Hey there’s no need for cursing you fat cow. JON

Hey call me an asshole. Call me a cocksucker. Call me whatever you damn well please. But never call me a cow. (points) ED Oh! Did I bring about bad memories from you childhood? Moo! Moo! Jon turns off the TV and grimaces. JON Shut your face kiddie fucker. ED Ew that’s just sick. Why don’t you just call me a “nigger” instead? I know you want to you fucking racist. JON I’m not having this conversation. (stands up) I am going to the crapper. And when I return you have had better sold those drugs. ED (Hitler salute) Yes sir! Jon grabs a newspaper and leaves the living room. JON (OS) And no more fucking Hitler salutes!

EXT. FRAZZLED’S HOUSE – DAY PORCH Ed KNOCKS on the front door. A woman with FRAZZLED looking hair answers. FRAZZLED (annoyed)

Do you even know what fucking time it is?! ED Five. FRAZZLED What the fuck is wrong with you? Dope dealing at five in the fucking morning! ED Five PM. Frazzled looks at her hand. There’s a watch drawn onto her wrist. FRAZZLED Jesus Christ. I’m really out of it. ED Apparently so. FRAZZLED Well what the fuck do you want? ED Why don’t you take a guess you fucking junkie. FRAZZLED Why don’t you shut the fuck up and just tell me why you’re here. ED That’s a bit of an oxymoron isn’t it? Frazzled grabs Ed by the collar of his shirt. FRAZZLED Why are you here? Ed takes out a bag of “doobie snacks.” ED Special delivery. Frazzled lets go of Ed and grabs the bag. FRAZZLED

Where the hell were you? ED (shifty eyed) I wasn’t jerking off in a Tim Hortons bathroom if that’s what you’re getting at. FRAZZLED ...Get in the fucking house. Frazzled pulls Ed inside and closes the door. INT. FRAZZLED’S HOUSE – DAY FIRST FLOOR FRAZZLED Follow me. Ed follows Frazzled around the house. ED (walking) You are going to pay me right? I mean if you’re gonna be a typical fucking bunny boiler and -Frazzled stops and spins around. She points her long pointy finger. Ed is taken aback. FRAZZLED I may not be the best person in the world -but in my house you respect me. I am a human being. Not a fucking bunny. ED Okay. No need to get your knickers in a bunch. (whispering) Bitch. FRAZZLED My wallet’s upstairs. Ed follows Frazzled upstairs. They go into her bedroom. BEDROOM

Frazzled sits down on her bed and crosses her legs. She pulls up her shorts and stares seductively at Ed. FRAZZLED Like what you see? ED Um yes it’s quite a nice room. Got your furniture from Ikea did you? FRAZZLED Would you like to see what’s underneath? Frazzled takes off her shirt and throws it on the floor. ED What -- what are you doing? FRAZZLED Don’t deny yourself tiger. I know you want me. ED You’re not really my type. FRAZZLED I’ve got a pussy. You’ve got a dick. I’m your type. ED (shaking head) Nooo you’re not. Frazzled takes Ed’s hand and puts it on her breast. FRAZZLED Feel it. ED P-p-pretty good. B-but your nipples are a bit hard. I could probably hang me coat one of these. Frazzled twirls her long pouffee hair.

FRAZZLED They’re hard because I’m aroused. Ed pulls back. ED Wait, wait, wait. Are you trying to pay me in sexual intercourse? FRAZZLED Whatever you want. Ass to mouth. Cunnilingus. 69. Bukkake. I’m all yours for three minutes -- maybe four if you’re not too premature. ED What in blue blazes is bukkake? FRAZZLED It’s the Japanese version of a golden shower. ED Hmm. Sounds enticing but I’d really prefer cash. FRAZZLED What the fuck is wrong with you?! Don’t you know a good thing when you see it? Or feel it?

ED Well you see my brother -- well actually not really my brother. We is more like black brothers. Not really brothers in the DNA sense, but brothers in the spiritual sense. FRAZZLED Shut up and fuck me! Frazzled spreads her legs wide open. View between her legs. ED

(to self) Oh Eddie English you’ve really got yourself into a pickle this time haven’t you? FRAZZLED No pickles! ED Excuse me I was having a soliloquy. FRAZZLED Is that like a monologue? ED Sort of. FRAZZLED Okay! Let’s get this over with. Frazzled throws her panties onto Ed’s face. He peels them off and tosses them aside. ED No thank you. I gave up sweater meat for lent. FRAZZLED (gets up) Fine! You want your money?! Frazzled flips over her mattress and grabs a small pile of bills. She crumples them up and throws them one by one. FRAZZLED (throwing bills) Here’s your fucking money! Ed bends over and picks ups the crumpled bills. He puts them into his pocket. ED Glad to do business with you. Ed leaves the room. Frazzled folds her arms and scowls.

EXT. STREETS – DAY Ed strolls through the streets when he accidentally bumps into a BUM. BUM (raspy voice) Hello. ED (nervously waves) Hello? Bum mutters and grumbles; barely understandable. ED What? Bum continues mumbling and grumbling. He gestures wildly. Ed scratches his head, he is sorely confused. ED Um... Bum takes out a canteen of alcohol and takes a swig. His voice suddenly clears up. He sticks out his palm and begs for change. BUM Change? ED Oh is that what you want -- change? Of course I can help you! I have an excellent Tony Robbins CD waiting at home just for you. BUM No dummy. I want coins. Money. ED I am not going to give you money for booze. BUM Who said it was for booze? ED

You smell like a fucking liquor store in Buffalo New York! Of course it’s for booze! BUM Fine! It’s for booze. Now will you give me some fucking money? ED (prayer hands) M’bloke, m’bloke, you gotta find another vice. This drinking thing is killing yah. Do something non-detrimental. BUM Like what? ED Here. Ed hands Bum a joint. He holds it up against the sky and looks at it in bewilderment. ED Don’t look at it. Smoke it. BUM Isn’t this illegal? ED You’re a fucking bum. If you get arrested you get a hot meal and a warm place to stay. What is there to lose? Bum puts the joint in his mouth. Ed takes out a Zippo and lights the Bum’s joint. ED Now puff it. Bum puffs the joint and smiles. ED It’s just like a cigarette ah? But much better and rarely prone to giving you cancer. BUM

(pause) Cancer? ED I said “rarely prone to giving you cancer.” BUM Oh. (puff) Good God I think this thing is giving me the munchies... (singing and dancing) Munchies! I got the munchies! I got the munchies! I got the mother fucking munchies! Got the munchies! Munchies! Munchies! Got the fucking munchies! Munchies! Munchies! Fucking Munchies! Munchies, munchies! Fucking munchies! (adlib) Ed runs away.

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY GARAGE Jon is swinging around a hockey stick like a weapon; it looks like he’s practicing martial arts. There is a KNOCK at the door. Jon pauses and goes to answer it. ED (salute) G’day mate! JON That is the worst Aussie impression I have ever seen. ED Chuck a shrimp on the Barbie. What are you doing in here? JON

Practicing me arts. ED Painting? With a bloody hockey stick? JON Martial arts, moron. ED Martial arts moron; never heard of it. JON C’man, I’ll show you some of me moves. Ed steps into the garage. Jon tosses him a stick. ED What’s all this then? Gonna have a lightsaber battle are we? JON It’s called Kendo. ED Is that the Japanese pronunciation of candle? (Japanese imitation) Ah yes right de candle! Domo arigato! Mista Robotora! JON That’s just racist. Ed bucks out his teeth and squints, doing a crude imitation of a Japanese salary-man. ED (Japanese imitation) Do you rearry fink dat is the most racist fing you have ever seen? JON You’re just asking for an arse kicking aren’t you?

ED Come on you fucking Aussie!!! Bring it on! Jon bows and bursts into an attack, narrowly missing Ed. ED Jesus H. Christ you’re serious! JON No talking. Ed makes his attack. ED Yyyyyawwwwwwwwww! Jon defends valiantly. JON (off synch) You will have to do better than that. The intensity of Ed and Jon’s fight elevates. They are sweating and panting. ED This is insanity! JON This is my garage! The two meet into a standstill. Their weapons deadlocked onto each other. Ed and Jon struggle for dominance. Jon stamps on Ed’s foot and pushes him back to the wall. Placing the blade of the hockey stick upon Ed’s throat, Jon forces him into submission. JON What say you now you sith?! Ed spits on Jon’s face. JON (wipes away spit) Gross. ED (poses)

Llama style! Jon kicks Ed in the testes. Ed falls over and writhes in pain. JON (poses) Go fuck yourself style! ED Agh! You bloody bastard! Ed throws a ball at Jon’s testes. He falls over and also writhes in pain. ED How do you like me balls of fury?! JON Very ninja like! But where did you get that ball from?

ED How should I know? It’s your garage. INT. SOMEBODY’S HOUSE – DAY BACKYARD SOMEBODY is in their backyard smoking a joint. Somebody is relaxing on a lawn chair, wearing sunglasses and wistfully looking up into the sky. Somebody’s Korean friend KIM is sitting at the picnic table doing a crossword puzzle in the newspaper. KIM (Korean accent) What is a four letter word for agony? SOMEBODY Love. KIM Goddamn it I’m serious.

SOMEBODY Love. Love is pain, man. KIM No it doesn’t fit goddamn it! SOMEBODY Screw your conformity. Put it in man! KIM Goddamn it! Then the other word becomes lick! SOMEBODY That’s one dirty word puzzle man. (adjusts sunglasses) KIM The word is, pick. Pick goddamn it! SOMEBODY Hey what about pain man? KIM Yes I’m in lot of pain right now...goddamn it! SOMEBODY No the word “pain” dude. It’s another word for agony. KIM (pens word into crossword) My God; outwitted by a stoner. But that because I can’t speak English...goddamn it. SOMEBODY Man, that’s always your excuse. KIM It’s a serious problem, but it’s not my fault. In North Korea if you speak English they kill you. So for many years I avoid the English. SOMEBODY Is it true they eat dogs up there?

KIM No those are the South Koreans. SOMEBODY Really? KIM Yeah the South Koreans eat the dog. Then after they eat, they send the bone up North. Then when U.S. Americans look for weapon of mass destruction –- bam! -- they say we eat a dog. Not true man, not true at all. SOMEBODY So! Wanna get high?

KIM No way man. That stuff is bad for you. You know it got my brother deported back to North Korea. The cops see him smoking and they come into the Laundromat and bash his head in with a pipe. Then they put him on a stinky, stinky plane. Then when he gets there they say he eat a dog. But I know they lying, because he not eat a dog, he eat a cat; much better for the digestive system. SOMEBODY That is fucking gross dude. KIM Hey what you do when you have no job? SOMEBODY You go to the park. You get high and you get your dick sucked by a cheap hooker named Mel -- then when you sober up you discover Mel was actually short for Melvin. KIM (Korean) Ah dick head (Jot-dae-ga-ri)!

INT. HICK’S HOUSE – DAY DINING ROOM A HICK smokes marijuana at the dining table while his grown SON watches. HICK (puff) The key to getting the right buzz son is to not inhale too much. That’s a mistake beginners often make. SON Are you ever going back to work? HICK Why do I need to work when your mom owns a successful dollar store? SON Well you could at least help out. HICK I’m raising my son. I’m teaching him the facts of life. If that’s not helping out, I don’t know what is. SON I am 21 you know. HICK You’re still a kid man... now pick up your grandfather’s “medicine” and smoke it. SON I am not going to do drugs... especially with my fucking dad. HICK Don’t miss out son! These ain’t regular drugs. These is the proverbial shit. (puff)

Straight from the deep ancient jungles of India. Thrice the price but ten times the power. SON Abu-ganja? I am not smoking abu-ganja. HICK It’s okay if you don’t do it after midnight. It’s perfectly safe -- except after midnight. SON That’s kind of arbitrary isn’t it? HICK In English. SON It’s random. HICK Of course; those Indians are crazy. I mean why do you think they always fight with cowboys, because of the spices? SON I mean what exactly does after midnight mean? Is it 12:01 AM? Is it 2:00 AM? It is 4:00 AM? Is it 8:00 AM? It is 11:03 AM? I mean who are we trying to kid here? HICK I think between twelve and five. At five the sun usually begins to rise. (puff) SON Is that a fact? HICK Don’t believe me? Go ahead son. Look it up in the fucking dictionary. SON Sure whatever you say. HICK

(puff) Don’t gimme that attitude! Hick grabs Son into a headlock. SON (face turning red) Let go you white trash mother fucker! HICK (crying) I love you son!

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, AFTERNOON LIVING ROOM Jon and Ed play cards (21) on the coffee table while having another inane conversation. JON Can I ask you a question? ED No I will not suck your dick. JON Seriously. ED What is it? JON Do you enjoy ruining people’s lives? ED And what do you mean by that? JON You’re a pusher Ed. You’re a fucking pusher. ED

I provide a needed product to the market place. I am not a pusher. I am simply meeting a demand. JON Don’t give me that economic “supply and demand” bullshit. You’re a pusher. Plain and simple. ED Hit me. Jon hands Ed a card. ED Even so I’m not selling poison to little children. JON It’s still immoral. ED Just because something is against the law does not make it immoral. Are you aware of what the rule of thumb is? JON Right, don’t beat your wife with anything thicker than your thumb. ED Do you think beating your wife –- hit me –- is immoral? Jon hands Ed a card. JON Unless she’s a suicide bomber, then no, it’s not alright to beat your wife. ED Yes and it used to be legal. Socially fucking accepted and encouraged. But did that make it right? Does acceptance by the masses make something less wrong? JON

Okay I get your point smarty trousers. ED What I sell is no worse than cigarettes, booze, candy, and fast food. Except what I sell doesn’t give you cancer, alcoholism, rotten teeth, or obesity. Ed takes another card. ED (looks at card) Motherfucker. JON Bust? ED No I just said that because of the tourettes. Jon looks with an unwavering stare. ED Yes bust. Jon collects the cards and reshuffles the deck. A KNOCK at the door. Jon gets up from his seat. JON (points) Don’t look at me cards. ED What do you take me for? Jon leaves. Ed looks at Jon’s cards. There is a message written on one of the cards. CLOSE-UP – JON’S CARD You Cheating Cunt MAIN FOYER

Jon answers the door. An odd looking man dressed in GREEN waves and smiles. There’s a real leprechaun feel to the diminutive stranger. GREEN (Irish accent) Top of the mornin’ to yah! JON Ed! Another one of your fucking customers! GREEN I’m not here to buy anything. I’m here to spread the word of God. JON But I already believe in God. GREEN Oh not in the way we teach it. JON God; the G-O-D, the big invisible man in the sky, the white bearded fellow, the father of Jesus, the master of the universe -- the guy who doesn’t do a lick of work to help his own goddamn creations. What more do I need to know? GREEN That’s an interesting notion but ultimately a false one. God is always around us and he is always helpin’ us. JON And the evidence for that is? Green hands Jon a Superman comic. JON What’s this? GREEN You wanted evidence. There’s your evidence.

JON A fucking comic book? GREEN Many do not realize it but Superman is divinely inspired. JON Is this a joke? Fucking Superman? The SOB who wears his underoos on the outside? GREEN Say not the Lord’s name in vain! JON Fuck you. Superman is the worst comic ever. GREEN Blasphemy! Green splashes a vial of holy water onto Jon’s face. JON (wipes away water) What the fuck is your problem? Green grabs back the comic and wags it at Jon. GREEN This is the modern reincarnation of God’s word! It is not a coincidence it lines up perfectly with the Bible! JON (annoyed) How -- how is it like the Bible? GREEN Think about it carefully. Doomsday is Satan. Superman is Jesus. Jor-El is God. Lois Lane is the Virgin Mary. And Jimmy -- Jimmy is Judas. JON How is Jimmy, Judas? GREEN

Okay Lex Luthor is Judas. Jimmy is just a disciple. But either way I still hate that kifeeating-ginger. JON And what’s your religion called again? GREEN Why, The Church of Superman, of course. JON Real original. GREEN So would yah like to join? JON As my black friend Tyrone says, “Hells No!” (the hand) GREEN And why the kife not?! JON I hate Superman alright. He’s a total douche bag. His alter ego shouldn’t be Clark Kent. It should be -- douche bag. GREEN (looks hurt) Why are you so harsh on the Supes? What did he ever do to you? JON The guy’s a jerk alright. He causes the city of Metropolis billions of dollars of damage each and every year. And on top of that he kills more people than he saves. GREEN That’s crazy talk! JON

Is it? What the bloody hell do you think is inside all those buildings he smashes? People for God’s sake! GREEN No they’re empty. JON Metropolis is a prime real estate city. Do you honestly think all those buildings are empty? GREEN Well if he don’t stop the villains who will? JON The villains go to the city because of Superman. They go there because they’re attracted to the challenge. All Superman does is fix the problems he causes himself. GREEN Okay! So the Superman comic has a few flaws, but the overall message is quite positive. JON You gotta be kidding me. Superman is the most sexist comic on the planet earth. It’s just plain fucking disrespectful to women everywhere. GREEN (upset) That’s ridiculous! JON Oh really? Then why is it that the only strong female character in the comic is portrayed like a total fucking dunce? For Chrissake, Lois Lane’s known Clark Kent and Superman for years! Yet she can’t put it together that they’re the same person, even though they look and sound exactly alike?! What the fuck is up with that huh?! Jon slams the door.

GREEN He slammed the door on me! Well I’ll show him! I’ll show him good! Green RINGS the doorbell and runs away. He giggles like a little schoolgirl. INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, LATE AFTERNOON LIVING ROOM Jon returns to the living room. Ed has fallen asleep. JON Ed? Loud SNORING. Jon leaves the room and returns with a blanket. He drapes it over Ed and goes upstairs. JON’S BEDROOM – NIGHT Jon is reading a book. CLOSE-UP – JON’S BOOK The Zombie Survival Guide Jon puts down his book and goes to the washroom for a quick PISS. When he returns Jon finds Ed lounging on his bed reading The Zombie Survival Guide. JON (annoyed) Hey! ED (Fat Albert) Hey! Hey! Hey! JON What are you doing in here? ED I live here?

JON I mean what are you doing in my bed? ED Oh! I was waiting for you to come out the loo.

JON There’s more than one bathroom you know. ED I know. JON (gestures toward bathroom) ...Well go on! ED I wasn’t waiting to use your cum stained toilet. I came here to hang out with me best buddy. JON I’m going to sleep. Jon gets into his bed and pulls on a blanket. ED At 9:30? JON It’s none of your business but I happen to have an early day tomorrow. ED But it’s the long weekend. JON Yes but I don’t want to upset me schedule. Jon fluffs his pillow. ED

You have a schedule for sleeping?

JON Yes, “The sleeping schedule.” This way I wake up naturally without an alarm clock. It’s quite pleasant. But you have to stick to the regiment, otherwise it won’t work. ED ...You pussy! JON I beg your pardon. ED (stands up on bed) You always have to do everything so rigidly. You know if you just loosened up once in a while maybe we could actually have some fun around here. JON Go suck on a lime! (rolls over) ED See this is what I’m talking about. I make a suggestion and you shoot it down immediately. This is definitely not conducive to fun. Jon throws off his blanket and sits up. JON Life is not fun! It’s a fucking giant latrine. You have to keep kicking your legs to keep your head out of the shit. Ed steps off the bed and paces back and forth.

ED There’s nothing wrong with life m’bloke. You just have a negative attitude. If you just lifted your head a little higher you could see the silver lining in the bloody clouds. JON (folds arms) Oh fuck the clouds. ED Oh come on! Let’s go out ah! Let’s have a little fun yeah? JON Fine! But if we get robbed by a radical African it’s your fault. ED Agreed -- wait, what? EXT. LOCAL PARK – NIGHT PLAYGROUND Ed pushes Jon on the swing set. ED Can yah feel the wind in your face? JON No, but I can feel the stupidity! Ed stops pushing. ED (claps) My turn! My turn! My turn! Jon and Ed switch places.

ED Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! JON (pauses) Please -- no wheeing okay? ED (turns) You sir are a party pooper! JON That is a boldfaced lie! ED Oh yeah! Prove it! Fucking prove it! JON Fine... Jon pushes Ed off the swing and straight into the sand. ED (spitting out sand) What the fuck was that?! JON Partying right? Acting all crazy and “what not!” Ed gets up and dusts himself off. ED I meant partying like cake and juice. What the fuck is wrong with you? JON Don’t try to make me someone I’m not. I don’t know how to party. I can’t party. I’m not a party animal. ED

You’re making sound so hard. Partying is easy. All you have to do is follow the five magical rules. JON Magical? Ed takes out a sheet of paper and reads from a list. ED Magical rule number five, if you’re not fat, don’t wear a Hawaiian t-shirt. Hawaiian tshirts are specifically designed for fatties They are there to amuse us. JON Okay? ED Rule number four; always drink to the point where you have to barf. Throwing up is both a sign of manliness and the partying skills you have acquired over the years. Ed puts on reading glasses. ED Rule number three. Always try to get your shag on. Parties are made for sex. That is why people drink, to get their dicks wet. JON I think that’s pretty obvious. ED Rule number two. If necessary, break your arm to liven up the party -- or seriously injure yourself. Partying is all about being a fucktard. JON And rule number one is! Jon taps on the side of swing set like a drum.

ED Never forget rule number two. (gestures two) Being a fucktard makes you the life of the party. JON Did I not act like a fucktard when I pushed you off the swing? ED No you acted like a twat. A fucktard does things to himself; not others. JON It’s a fine distinction between twat and fucktard is it? ED (points) Quite right m’bloke. Ed crumples up the paper and throws it on the ground. JON Alrighty then, can we go home now? ED There’s one last thing we have to do. JON ...No. ED (nodding yes) Yes. JON (shaking head no) No. ED Yes! JON No!

ED YEEEEES! JON Okay if you put it that way. ED Great! Ed takes out joint and hands it to Jon. ED One for you. Ed takes out another joint and puts it in his mouth. ED (CONT’D) And one for me. JON I don’t really feel comfortable about this mate. I mean what if we get caught? ED You got legs? JON Yeah I got legs. ED Do they work? JON Last time I checked. ED Then no fucking problem. JON I won’t get addicted will I? ED Do you have an addictive personality? JON

Well I once got hooked on cough drops. ED But you were sick right? Jon shakes his head, no. ED I think you’ll be fine. Ed takes out his Zippo. As he is about to light up a strange VOICE is heard away in the close distance. VOICE (OS) (echo) Yo! JON What was that? Ed and Jon look left and right. Nobody is there. Ed sparks his lighter. VOICE (OS) Yo! ED (pauses) Who the fuck...? VOICE (OS) Yo! ED What the fuck do you want?! Voice appears from the dark, startling Ed and Jon. VOICE Yo. JON Who the hell are you and what are you doing here? VOICE

(fast paced) You guys got drugs? I need drugs! ED These are actually for us. VOICE Oh really? Really, really, really? ED Really. VOICE Can I, can I, can I have ‘em? ED Nnnnno... VOICE Oh please! Please, please, please! JON Hey mate you better back off before I knock out your teeth! ED (whispering to Jon) It’s okay. VOICE What’s okay? What’s okay? ED Your um -- balls. Your balls are mighty fine. VOICE Oh fank you, fank you! Now about the drugs! You got drugs? I need drugs! ED Okay you can have our drugs just don’t hurt us. VOICE

Hurt you?! No, no, no, no, no! I just want drugs! That’s it! That’s it! I just want some fucking drugs! Drugs! Drugs! You got drugs! Ed and Jon hand over their weed to Voice. VOICE Oh fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you, fank you! Here is fifty bucks! The Voice hands Ed fifty dollars and runs away. JON That is the definition of fucking weird. ED I’ve seen weirder. Ed looks up at the full moon. ED Hey uh, do you know what time it is? Jon looks at his watch. JON According to my watch, half an hour ‘till midnight. ED Oh. Good. JON And why is that good? ED Is you familiar with me wholesaler? JON Binnder? That guy who smells like curry? ED

Yes, him. He instructed me not to smoke after midnight or lest I face the consequences. JON Of what? Getting thrown in jail? ED No something much worse. Something unimaginable. JON Like going to the park and getting your cock shined by a transvestite named Mel? ED No much worse. JON I don’t really see what could happen if you smoke it after midnight. It was just regular Mary Jane right? ED No. Abu-ganja. JON Abu-ganja? Isn’t that just a myth? ED I dunno. It hasn’t been tested on Myth Busters yet. But that Binnder really seems to know his shite. JON He’s probably just yankin’ yah chain mate. ED And what if he isn’t? JON Well if that weirdo smokes our joints he’s pooched. ED

Pooched? No I think he should be okay. Most people do drugs immediately after they receive them. JON I know but I just remembered my watch is off by an hour. ED What? JON I forgot to adjust it for daylight savings. Voice reappears, drooling and screaming; his face white as snow, his eyes sharp and glowing. JON (smiling, waving) Oh hello! Voice runs toward Ed and Jon. ED Ah! Ed grabs Jon and the two dash onto the jungle gym while Voice chases from behind. They hop down the slide and flee from the park and onto the streets. The two run as they can. JON What the fuck is wrong with this bastard! Voice chases and snarls from behind. ED What can I say? Drugs turn people into monsters. EXT. JON’S HOUSE – NIGHT DRIVEWAY Ed and Jon huff onto the driveway and lean on the back of the car. JON

(panting) Jesus Christ. That bastard runs like Eddie Murphy. ED (panting) I need a smoke. Ed takes out a fresh packet of cigarettes and begins packing them, banging the bottom of the box with the heel of his palm -- when suddenly Voice appears. Jon picks up pebbles from the ground and starts chucking them like grenades. JON Fuck off yah Nazi bastard! Ed puts away his cigarettes and grabs Jon by the arm. ED Come on! The two run into house. INT. JON’S HOUSE - NIGHT MAIN FOYER Ed and Jon enter the house. Jon shuts the door behind him. The two lean against the wall and breathe heavily. JON Was that what I think it was? ED A zombie? JON What else was it? ED I don’t think he’s a zombie. JON Well he sure looks like zombie. ED

It can’t be. It must be the psychoactive ingredients. That’s the only logical explanation. JON You’re right, zombies can’t run -- or maybe it’s because he’s fresh, I heard fresh zombies can run. ED Is he still out there? JON Why don’t you take a looksie? Ed looks through the peephole. Voice’s face appears and startles Ed, causing him to fall to the floor. Jon helps him up. JON Jesus Christ let’s just call the cops. ED (sarcastic) Oh yeah call the cops. That’s a good idea. Why don’t I just wear a t-shirt that says “Fucking Drug Dealer”? JON (pointing) If more of these zombie things appear and start wrecking up the house, I am really going to be pissed. ED You know what this is? Karma. This is what you get for calling Batman a fag. Ed looks out the window. ED You know what? He don’t look that strong. I think we can take him. JON Move aside.

Jon pushes Ed aside and look through the window. Another zombie is in the porch. JON Oh Jesus Christ! ED Another one? Jon nods his head. ED Good God. They’re like Mexicans looking for bloody work -- determined and persistent! There is a loud BANG at the back of the house. JON (shaking head) Please don’t tell me that’s another goddamn zombie. ED Probably just a lost bird. JON At this time of the night? ED Bats. Could be bats. JON I think we should check it out. ED No. No. JON What if they’re out there spawning devious machinations? And we’re here holding our balls hoping they’ll go away! ED Look here Jon. I’ve watched enough movies to know that if we go there something shitty is going to happen. And I will not let shit get on my face.

JON This isn’t the movies Ed. It’s real life. You can’t get anymore real than this. If it got anymore real it’d be fucking Tron. ED No! I’m not going! JON Come on! ED No! Fuck you! JON Fine yah little pussy I’ll go by myself. ED (grabs Jon) No! Don’t go! Jon slaps Ed in the face. JON Get a hold of yourself mate! I’m just going for a glance. Jon goes to the family room (adjacent the backyard). FAMILY ROOM Jon peeps through the glass door. Seeing nothing he steps back and opens the blinds. Outside is a woman eating a man. Ed yelps from the other side of the room. ED Holy fucking shit! Jon closes the blinds. JON Fuck this I’m calling the cops. Jon picks up the phone and dials 911. JON

Hello 911? Get me...hello? Jon removes the receiver from his ear. All he can hear is MOANING and SCREAMING. JON Oh Jesus Christ. ED Are the police coming? JON (pissed) Are the police coming? Are the police coming?! ARE THE FUCKING POLICE COMING?! ED Well? JON (calm) No they’re not coming. ED Then we’re gonna need a plan of defence. JON It doesn’t involve Al Gore does it? An awful lot of your plans involve Al Gore. ED Not anymore! BASEMENT CLOSE-UP – PICTURE OF ZOMBIE Ed is holding up a picture of a zombie, giving a presentation to Jon, whom is sitting on the couch and eating snacks (popcorn).

ED (points to picture)

This is a zombie; a brain eating, mucky, undead monster. What is its main weakness? JON Holy water? ED That’s a vampire. JON (eating) Uh, silver bullets? ED That is a werewolf. JON Pollution? ED That is Captain Planet! JON Oh uh -- crucifix? ED No! God don’t you even watch horror movies?! JON I don’t like to be scared. I’m more of a comedy person. Have you ever seen that movie, The Nutty Professor? ED (sighs) Who was in it? JON I forgot his name. He um knocked up that singer, Melanie B. ED Oh that chick from, The Spice Girls? JON Yeah that’s it.

ED Oh him. No I never saw that movie; although I did watch, Pluto Nash. JON Did you like it? ED Did I like it? It was like Beverly Hills Cop meets Star Wars! It was total ecstasy! Best fucking dick flick I have ever seen! JON You gotta be kidding me. ED Oh! You just figured that out now? JON Ah stop being jerk...anyway everyone knows the best dick flick out there is Indiana Jones. It has action...it has airplanes...it has guns...it has racial stereotypes. Everything a man could want in a film! ED Indiana Jones is not a dick flick. It‘s a movie about being gay. JON Is not! ED Did you even see, The Temple of Doom? What kind of man could resist fucking Kate Capshaw? Even Spielberg couldn’t keep his Johnson in his shorts okay. JON That doesn’t mean Indiana Jones is gay. ED Trust me when I say this, he is totally fucking gay. Why do you think he always

hung around that little Vietnamese kid? He was fucking him! JON That’s sick! That’s fucking sick! ED No you know what’s sick? The U.S. Healthcare system. There are nearly 50 million uninsured Americans. Now if you ask me that is sick. A true travesty. The richest country in the world and they can’t provide health insurance for their citizens? Jon rubs his forehead with agitation. JON (to self) Why do I keep attending these presentations? ED Now what were we talking about again? JON Zombies! How do you kill zombies! ED Right! Ed points to the head on the picture of the zombie. ED The head. You have to damage the head. Either bonk ‘em in the brains hard enough or decapitate them. That is the only way you can properly stop a zombie. JON What about fire? ED What is it with you and fire? JON

I like fire. ED Fire is slow. Fire is messy. Fire is dangerous. We will not be killing with fire. JON Not even one? ED Not even half. Not even half a midget. Not even half of a half of a midget. JON What would that be like a quarter? ED ‘Bout a quarter. JON Interesting. LIVING ROOM Ed and Jon are on the sofa watching TV. JON Fighting zombies...pffft! ED Yeah zombies are stupid! What were we worried about anyway? JON Hey did you lock all the windows? Ed gives a blank stare. JON Did you lock all the windows? ED (lying) Of course I did. What do you take me for? A retard? Em...Excuse me, I need to visit the loo.

Ed gets up from the sofa and leaves the room. ED (OS) Agh! Ed falls back onto the floor in front of the living room. Jon whips his head to the right and looks on as Ed wrestles with a zombie. ED Don’t eat me bro! Jon yawns and casually gets up from the sofa. He grabs a stick from underneath the couch and smacks the zombie on the back of the head, instantly killing it. Ed rolls it off and gets to his feet. JON You alright mate? ED (pissed) God! Could you have cut any closer?! JON Probably. ED Ugh! JON (points to zombie) Now what are we gonna do about this body? ED I say we eat ‘im. Eat the fucking evidence! JON I’d rather eat my own head. ED (gestures a pinch) Aren’t you just a little curious how human tastes? JON Tastes like chicken. End of story.

ED Oh come on! JON Christ! What is wrong with you? This person just died and you’re -- hey isn’t this our neighbour? Ed turns the zombie’s head to the side and looks. ED Oh my God you killed Pete! JON You mean Popsicle Pete. BASEMENT Trunk shot. Ed and Jon look inside the deep chest freezer. ED Oh! Now I get it! (slaps self on forehead) Popsicle Pete! Ha! That is too jokes. JON Yeah right...so you think he’ll come back to life? ED Have you ever seen zombies in Iceland? Ed closes the freezer. Jon puts a weight on top. JON Not yet. Ed’s CELL-PHONE RINGS. He answers the call and picks it up. ED (on phone) Hello? Ed paces back and forth.

ED (CONT’D) What do you mean your house is surrounded by strange looking men? Are you cheating on me with blackies?! If you are you better tell me right now bitch! Ed sits down. ED (CONT’D) Alright! I’ll be there in half an hour. Yeah. Bye. Ed hangs up the phone. He looks at Jon for approval. JON I am not risking my life for a fucking broad. ED If we don’t get there she’s gonna die! JON So what! Get a new girlfriend! It’s not like there’s a pussy shortage! ED How could you be so heartless? JON Remember who got us into this mess in the first place. Feet can be seen shuffling outside the basement window. ED Fine I’ll go alone. Ed heads upstairs. JON God speed! MAIN FOYER

Ed runs into the house and shuts the door behind. He sprawls back and wheezes hysterically. Jon takes a sip of water from his glass and smiles across the hallway. JON Trouble? ED Everywhere! They’re everywhere! All over the bloody fucking driveway! JON Damn those anti-Semitic zombies. ED How the hell can zombies be anti-Semitic? And furthermore I’m not even Jewish. I’m atheist. JON Oh so that’s your religion. Ed rolls his eyes. ED Atheism is not a religion. JON Yes it is. ED No it’s not. JON Yes it is. ED No it’s not! JON Let me tell you something! Your belief is not to believe. That in itself is a belief. You got a strong belief like that, you got a mass of people who believe in the same thing; you got a religion mate.

ED That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Next you’re gonna be tellin’ me Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein isn’t Jewish. JON He’s not Jewish. ED Are we talking about the same monster here? JON Big green fella with a flathead and bolts in his neck? ED Yes him. JON Okay explain to me. How is he Jewish? ED His name is Frankenstein. Stein! That is a Jewish suffix. Goldstein, Weinstein, Greenstein, Frankenstein -- all Jewish. JON So Frankenstein is a Jewish monster?

ED Frankenstein was never a monster. He was treated like a monster because of his religion. You see Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein isn’t about an angry green Ogre; it’s about anti-Semitism and its insanity. JON But didn’t he kill a little girl? ED

It wasn’t him. It was his arms. (Ed pats his arm) His arms were from a Jew hating Christian. Quite a clever conspiracy if you ask me. JON Wait a minute -- wasn’t the name of the scientist Frankenstein and not the monster. The LIGHTS suddenly go out. Ed screams like a little girl. JON Bravery is not your forte is it? ED (whispering) Don’t tell anyone but I’m a bit afraid of the dark. JON I’m gonna go get a flashlight. Jon leaves for the dining room. ED Don’t leave! Ed quivers and cowers on the floor. A beam of light cuts through the dark; Jon returns to the main foyer with a pair of flashlights (one a Maglite). JON Time to go replace that fuse. Jon tosses Ed a flashlight. LAUNDRY ROOM Ed and Jon shine their flashlights into the Laundry room and cautiously check for zombies. JON I think it’s safe.

Ed and Jon walk over to fuse box. Jon opens the fuse box. He inspects the fuses. JON I’m not really sure which one blew out. A zombie appears in the background. Ed catches the monster in the corner of his eye and spins around with his flashlight. He fervently taps Jon on the shoulder. JON Not now. I’m trying to figure this out. The zombie lurches forward. ED (stammering trying to say zombie) Z-z-z—z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z—z-z-z-z! JON Not to be rude but that’s a really bad impression of a bee. Jon successfully switches the fuse. The lights turn on. He puts down his flashlight on top of the drier. Ed ducks down as the zombie lunges forward. Jon spins around and comes face to face with the snarling blood dripping zombie. Jon defends himself and pushes back the zombie’s head with his palm. He crawls back his fingers to the flashlight and uses it to bash in the zombie’s head. The zombie reels backward. Jon attacks with great ferocity until it is dead. Ed stops cowering and stands up when everything appears to be safe. Jon breathes heavily; holding limply the flashlight by his side. JON (breathing heavily) That’s it! I’ve had enough of this B.S. Jon turns around and switches off the flashlight. JON It’s time to get crazy.

FURNACE ROOM A red toolbox opens and reveals a pair of guns -- two classical style silver western six shooters. Kneeling down Ed curiously reaches out to touch them. Jon slaps away his hand. ED Ow! JON Never touch an Aussie’s guns. ED Fuck you blow job. I’m in this as much as you are. JON But they’re still my guns. Jon lowers his hand and softly strokes his guns (not a euphemism for penis). JON (CONT’D) My precious, precious guns. ED You know that’s not your penis right? JON Shut up! Just shut up for once in your life and appreciate the beauty. Ed has nothing to say, no quip; no comeback. JON Pick it up. Ed hesitates. JON Pick up the gun. Ed picks up one of the guns and holds it cautiously.

JON Feel it. Ed touches the gun with his other hand. He caresses the tip like a nipple. JON A gun is not just a gun. A gun is a symbol. A gun represents power. A gun is life and death. Jon picks up the other gun and points it at the wall. JON (CONT’D) The decision to the pull the trigger, to decide in that split second that you are worth more than what is standing on the other side of your gun, is what life is all about. Jon points the gun upward. JON Decisions, decisions. That’s what we’re always doing. That’s what makes us human. We’re not like the animals. We don’t do things on instinct. Jon twirls the gun. JON (CONT’D) We have a choice. We have options; to shoot -- or to die. Ed puts down his gun and picks up a hammer from the toolbox. ED (points) This hammer is not just a hammer. It is a symbol of humanity’s enslavement. We are the nails that hold together the boards of society. Ed makes a banging motion with the hammer. ED (CONT’D)

And the hammers which bang on our heads and put us into our place, deep down into the wood, are the big businesses and the government. Bang, bang, Maxwell’s silver fucking hammer. JON That’s not very profound. ED Neither is what you said for fuck-sake! Ed picks up the gun in the toolbox and waves it around. ED (CONT’D) This is a bloody gun. You point it at what you want to go away and you pull the bloody trigger. That’s it. No more, no less. It is simply a tool designed for killing. JON Or robbery.

ED Yes, or robbery...but that’s it! It’s not a fucking symbol of anything. It’s not a flag; it’s a fucking boom-stick. JON Then let’s boom us some zombies! Jon pulls the hammer of his gun. ED And rob them afterward! JON And purchase fish and chips! ED They don’t have fish and chip shops around here. JON

Fine then we’ll go to McDonald’s and get a Filet-O-Fish with fucking fries. Ed and Jon stand up. ED Let’s do this! They exit the furnace room. MAIN FOYER Ed and Jon ready themselves to run out the front door. JON On the count of three. Ed wipes his forehead of sweat. JON (gesturing numbers) One. Two. Three! Ed and Jon burst out the door. EXT. JON’S HOUSE – NIGHT WALKWAY Ed and Jon rush down the walkway and lope onto the driveway. They blast their guns like there’s no tomorrow. ED (OS) Die you zombie bastards! Off camera. SCREAMING, MOANING; SHOOTING. Then suddenly, DEAD SILENCE. JON (OS) Fuck!!! Ed and Jon reappear on the walkway. Blood is streaming down Jon’s neck as Ed carries him forward. JON (in extreme pain)

Fucking cunt sniffin’ zombies! ED Don’t talk. Save your energy. (grunts as he lifts Jon up the step) JON This is your fault! ED Shhh! You’re becoming delirious from the blood loss! Ed takes Jon into the house. INT. JON’S HOUSE - DAY LIVING ROOM Jon convulses on the couch while Ed applies paper towels to his wounded neck.

JON (weeping) I never even went to Disney World! That was one of my life goals. ED Trust me it’s overrated. JON Fuck you! I wanted to see Mickey Mouse! ED Jon... JON I’m gonna turn into one of those fucking things aren’t?! ED Stop being an asshole, you’re gonna be fine. Fine! Just fucking fine!

JON Tell me mum and pop back in Brisbane that I love ‘em. And tell me sister Janine that she’s a salty cunt -- but I love her. Argh! Jon passes out. ED NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OO! EXT. JON’S HOUSE – NIGHT, RAINING BACKYARD A blue tarp covers Jon’s dead body. By the head of his corpse is a makeshift cross, created from what appears to be twigs. Ed stands at the feet of his dearly departed friend and mournfully reads a passage from his brown leather Bible.

ED Even when walking through the valley of death I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me, guarding, guiding all the way. A zombie finds its way to the backyard. Ed hears a MOANING and turns around to look. ED I am trying to have a moment with my dead friend! So if you wouldn’t mind... The zombie GROWLS. ED You bastard! Ed chucks his bible at the zombie’s head. ED Take that you wanker!

The zombie lurches forward. ZOMBIE Brains... ED You want brains? You want brains?! Ed bends over and moons the zombie. ED (CONT’D) How about these for bloody brains?! The zombie continues forward. ED That’s it! It’s time to float like a butterfly and sting like hot tea! Ed puts up his guard and jumps into a boxing stance. He bounces around the zombie like Muhammad Ali. BOOM! BOOM! BAM! BAM! Ed launches a furious attack of fists. The zombie don’t [sic] know what hit him. It passes out and drops to the ground. Ed puts his foot on the zombie’s chest and raises his arms in triumph. ED And the crowd goes wild! Eddie English has done it! He has defeated the great big fucking zombie! The blue tarp in the background arises. Jon returns from the grave as a zombie. He staggers toward Ed, whom like a fool dances away, blissfully unaware of the danger behind. ED (doing the robot) Shake, shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your... ZOMBIE JON Brains! ED No that’s not how it... (turns around)

Jon! You’re alive -- as a zombie. ZOMBIE JON Brains! ED Don’t make me do it ol’ buddy. I can’t do it. ZOMBIE JON Brains! Use your brains to help me! ED What? ZOMBIE JON Brains! Ed picks up a rake from the ground and whacks ZOMBIE JON in the face, knocking him out. Ed tosses the rake aside and scurries back into the house. INT. ZOMBIE JON’S HOUSE – DAY, EARLY MORNING FAMILY ROOM The sky outside has turned dark blue. The sun is beginning to rise. Ed is curled into a ball on the floor. The PHONE RINGS. He slowly looks up. KITCHEN Ed answers the phone. ED Hellooooo? EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING Drug Dealer paces back and forth on his cell-phone. DRUG DEALER Do you know what happened to me today? I was attacked by fucking zany zombies! What the hell is wrong you? Do you not

know how to follow instructions? I told you no smoking after midnight! INT. JON’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY, EARLY MORNING ED (on phone) Enough with your B.S. lectures! Just tell me how to stop it! EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING DRUG DEALER (on cell-phone) Just wait! All you have to do is wait. The effect is only temporary for 24 hours. (listening) YOU WHAT?!

INT. JON’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY, EARLY MORNING ED (on phone) I know! I know! I fucking know! EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING DRUG DEALER (on cell-phone) Oh you are really an idiot! INT. JON’S HOUSE, KITCHEN – DAY, EARLY MORNING ED (on phone) Screw you Paki! Ed hangs up the phone. EXT. LOCAL PARK – DAY, EARLY MORNING Drug Dealer screams into his phone.

DRUG DEALER I’m from India asshole! INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, EARLY MORNING ED’S BEDROOM Ed lies in bed staring at the ceiling. ED (muttering) It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. JON (OS) Eddie. Ed sits up. GHOST JON brushes back his hair. ED Jon! You’re alive! GHOST JON (lethargic sounding) No I’m still dead. ED Are you a g-g-g-g-ghost? GHOST JON Don’t worry. I’m a friendly ghost. Like uh Beetle Juice. ED This isn’t like that movie The Sixth Man is it? You ain’t gonna help me out with my baseketball skills are you? GHOST JON I died. I didn’t become a Negro. ED You don’t have to be black to be good at sports! There are a lot of talented non-

blacks in sports. In fact there are many sports that blacks don’t participate in. GHOST JON Like? ED NASCAR. GHOST JON NASCAR’s not a sport. ED What are you talking about? Of course it is. GHOST JON Driving around in a car is not a sport. Driving is what you do to get to work so your boss can stick his little dick up your ass. ED What if it’s a woman? GHOST JON Or smother you with her vaginal lips. Whatever. ED ...So what exactly are you here for? GHOST JON Not much really; just kind of bored. ED Are you sure you’re not just a pigment of my imagination? GHOST JON I think you mean figment, not pigment. ED Then what’s pigment? GHOST JON

(smiles) It’s something Michael Jackson don’t have much of. ED Oh. Is that why he’s so attracted to children? GHOST JON No that’s something else. ED So...uh what’s heaven like? GHOST JON I don’t know I didn’t make the cut. ED Oh jeez I’m sorry.

GHOST JON It’s okay I’m coming back as a butterfly. ED And what will you do as a butterfly? GHOST JON I don’t know -- steal jars of honey from yellow bears? ED You’ve always had it in for that yellow bear haven’t you? GHOST JON Bears are brown or black. They are not yellow. Do you know how fucking difficult it would be for a yellow bear to hunt? ED But he don’t hunt, he eat hunny and berries. GHOST JON So now he’s a vegetarian?

ED Well if he wasn’t he would’ve ate that fucking pig for breakfast that’s for sure. GHOST JON Naw -- even if he was a carnivore he wouldn’t eat his fuck buddy. ED He would if there was a food shortage. GHOST JON Probably -- Hey so did you watch the news lately? ED No why? GHOST JON There’s a debacle going on in America. Apparently they’re trying to re-outlaw abortions. ED (sarcastic) That’s sounds like a good idea. Children being raised by people who weren’t smart enough to prevent them in the first place. GHOST JON It’s not much of a cumocracy is it? ED I don’t really know what cumocracy means. But yes. It’s not much of a cumocracy. GHOST JON ...Well I have to go now. GHOST JON turns to leave. ED Wait! Will I ever see you again? JON (pause)

I dunno. Depends how bad the commute is. Ghost Jon disappears into the hallway. Ed springs from his bed to look outside. Nobody is there. EXT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, MORNING COME ROOFTOP Ed smokes a cigarette while he watches the sun slowly rise; the sky turning from a light blue to a fiery orange. Zombies lurch below, moaning and groaning. Ed takes a long drag of his cigarette and flicks the butt off the roof. INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY, MORNING UPSTAIRS WASHROOM Ed brushes his teeth. ED (VO) Today is a new day. I can finally start over again. The zombies are gone and I’ve hidden the bodies of the ones I’ve killed. Not only that, I also get regular visits from Jon’s ghost. It’s almost like he never left at all. I can’t honestly say that I’m happy... Ed spits into the sink and gargles with water. ED (VO) But I’m not sad. The ordeal is over. I will no longer be haunted by the demons of the past. I can finally move forward and begin a new life. Ed washes his face. ED (VO) Maybe I can get a job at Starbucks. I hear they treat their employees very well. It’s not much, but it’s a start. Plus they have darn good coffee. It’s almost as good as Tim Hortons.

Ed grabs a towel and pats his face dry. LIVING ROOM Ed watches the news on TV and eats a bowl of cereal. ED (VO) New life tip number one. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

KITCHEN Ed reads the newspaper at the kitchen table. ED (VO) New life tip number two. Keeping up to date is important. After all we are living in the information age. MAIN FLOOR WASHROOM – DAY, MORNING Ed sits on the toilet reading a magazine. ED (VO) New life tip number three. Cleaning out the system is important. Carrying too much brown baggage in your system is extremely exhausting. KNOCK at the door. Ed finishes up and goes to answer it. MAIN FOYER As Ed approaches the door his inner monologue continues. ED (VO) New life tip number four. Answering the door in a timely fashion is important. You never know what you’ll get when opportunity truly knocks. Ed opens the door. A man in a WHITE lab COAT smiles; he looks very much like Binnder.

WHITE COAT Hello Mister English. (eating chocolate bar) ED Are you selling chocolates? Because I really don’t want chocolates. WHITE COAT No I’m here to pick you up. ED For what? WHITE COAT To take you back to the hospital. ED Why? There’s nothing wrong with me. WHITE COAT It’s a psychiatric hospital. ED You want to take me to a nuthouse. WHITE COAT It’s not a nuthouse. ED Either way... WHITE COAT Look Mister English. You have a serious problem and you need help. ED (annoyed) I don’t need help. WHITE COAT Your friend Jonny is not here anymore. You can’t continue to live in his house. You need to give up these fantasies.

ED How do you know about Jon? WHITE COAT He died five years ago in a car accident. You had a nervous breakdown and we took you. ED I don’t know what you’re talking about. White Coat gently pulls Ed outside and closes the door. EXT. JON’S HOUSE - DAY PORCH AREA WHITE COAT Please. You have trust me. This is for your own good. ED Who are you? WHITE COAT You know who I am. ED No I don’t. WHITE COAT Think carefully. ED Binnder? WHITE COAT You know I don’t like that nickname. ED You are Binnder aren’t you? WHITE COAT Fine if that’s what you wanna call me. ED I am insane aren’t I?

WHITE COAT No you’re not insane. You just have problems...delusions. ED Then that whole zombie thing never happened did it? WHITE COAT Probably not. ED Okay you win. I’ll come along peacefully. WHITE COAT It’s not about winning. ED (whispers) It’s about contrast. WHITE COAT Huh? White Coat takes Ed by the arm and they leave the porch together. DRIVEWAY Ed and White Coat walk down the driveway. Ed pauses and turns around, staring at the garage; completely transfixed. WHITE COAT What’re you doing? ED I may have problems, but I know I’m not insane. WHITE COAT Careful now, thinking outside the box could hurt. ED Screw you.

Ed tries to run. White Coat grabs him into a bear hug. ED (struggling) Let go! WHITE COAT Face the facts! You’re mad! You’re completely and utterly mad! ED Fuck you! Ed reaches into his pocket and pulls out a garage door remote. He presses the big blue button and the garage door lifts up. White Coat loosens his grip in complete shock and fear. There are dozens of dead bodies lying all over inside the garage. WHITE COAT Holy Jesus. ED (points) I’m not insane! See! There they are! The zombies! The fucking zombies! WHITE COAT Augh! You’re a fucking loonie-tic! Ed grabs White Coat by the collar. ED (hysterical) I am not a loonie-tic! I was right! I was fucking right! WHITE COAT Let go of me! ED First join the party! Ed gives White Coat a swift head butt to the face, knocking him out cold. He takes his body and drags it into the garage. The garage door closes. Total darkness. Ed’s maniacal laughter can be heard, echoing throughout.

INT. JON’S HOUSE – DAY ED’S BEDROOM Ed thrashes around in bed. He is awoken by a gentle shaking, from Jon. JON You alright mate? ED (confused) Wha’? JON Are you alright mate? Ed sits up and squeezes Jon’s arm. ED You’re solid! JON Yes. I am quite solid. Quite solid indeed -what the hell are you talking about? ED I...I thought you were dead. JON Oh is this about when you attacked me with that rake? ED I thought you were a zombie. JON Zombie? Is that what you thought when you were high? ED I guess I was trippin’ balls huh? JON Horrendously. You even broke my Nintendo Wii.

ED So none of this -- that really happened? JON Yes. You’re gonna hafta buy me a new Nintendo Wii. ED (rubs eyes) Oh lord I’ve got problems. JON Yes and there’s also the matter of the Nintendo Wii, if you would just... ED (interrupts) I gotta clean up my life. I can’t live like this Jon. JON (sighs) Yes you’ve got a serious problem. ED I think I’m gonna quit. Ed stands up and folds his arms. JON And you are going to stop peddling drugs right? ED I’m really a pusher? JON Yeah that’s how you got hooked in the first place. You became your best customer! ED Well no more of that. I’m quitting all of it. JON

Why? ED What do you mean “why?”

JON It was good money. ED M’bloke. I’m trying to go straight here alright. Be a little more supportive would yah? JON (rolls eyes) Fine. ED Could yah help me look for a job? JON How about something in insurance? ED Why insurance? JON It’s good money. ED What’s with you and your obsession about money? JON I’m what they call a “consumer whore.” Ed puts his arm around Jon. ED Let’s go have breakfast. JON Tim Hortons?

ED My treat. Ed and Jon head out of the room, their conversation fading as they leisurely walk forward. JON Can I have two large cups of coffee? ED That’s a lot. I think you’re developing an addiction. JON This coming from Tommy Chong Jr. ED And what’s wrong with Tommy Chong? JON Never mind Ed, never mind. FADE OUT: THE END