Polyamory And Diversity

Polyamory

Running Head: Polyamory

Polyamory D SOCW 5317 Professor Elizabeth Page The University of Texas at Arlington November 26, 2008

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Polyamory Definition: What is polyamory? According to www.xeromag.com/poly101.pdf, polyamory is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person at a time. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour (meaning “love”); hence “many loves” or Polyamory. White points out that most of the definitions of polyamory found on the Internet "utilize words like ethical, responsible, honorable, open, honest, intentional, and principled" (2004, p. 20). By the definition itself, it is obvious that the culture of polyamory goes against social norms; therefore, the beliefs of this group must be understood in order to properly counsel any member that labels oneself as being polyamorous. For those social workers that have never heard of polyamory, it might be common to equate this culture with “swingers” and the behavior identified as “swinging”. Although the two are not mutually exclusive, there is a difference in beliefs between the two groups. Swinging has an emphasis on couples engaging in recreational sex with others in a party atmosphere. Polyamory is primarily a relationship-oriented approach to non-monogamy rather than a casual-sex oriented approach.

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When in a polyamorous relationship, persons within this culture refer to the group dynamic as an intentional family, which is defined as “a relationship in which three or more partners consciously chose each other as family, partners may or may not live together.” (www.xeromag.com/poly101.pdf) As with other family dynamics, there can be any number of issues involved in providing services to members of this cultural group.

Historical and Current Day Concerns/Issues Historically polyamory was very prevalent in Rome and Greece although it was not called polyamory at the time. The Greeks and Romans did not think of sexuality in terms of homosexuality or heterosexuality. It is historically held that many men desired to have sexual relations with other men and were often married to women at the same time. Ancestral law in ancient Sparta mandated same-sex relationships for all adult men so long as the men also had wives and produced children. The Spartans thought that physical relationships between older and younger soldiers would solidify combat loyalty and encourage heroic tactics as men vied to impress their lovers. Once the younger soldier passed a certain age, the relationship was supposed to become non-sexual, but it is not clear how strictly this was followed (http://www.indopedia.org/Bisexuality.html). Many notable and historic figures have conducted multiple simultaneous relationships that nevertheless would not be considered "polyamorous" because of the absence of "full knowledge and consent." In Victorian England, for instance, the difficulty and stigma of divorce often left a rich man's wife little choice but to tolerate his mistresses, who themselves might be dependent on him for financial support. These

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relationships would not fall under the current standards due to lack of open and honest communication, although it is thought that the wives did indeed have knowledge of the mistresses. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_polyamorists) Although polyamory is being thought of as a cultural group as opposed to a disorder in this paper, persons that I have spoken to within this group have concerns about this lifestyle being added to the DSM. Furthermore, certain practices occasionally found within this culture such as BDSM, the practice of bondage, discipline and sadomasochism are found in the DSM. There is a movement within that community to have BDSM removed from the DSM before the printing of the next edition, scheduled to be released in 2012. Many people within the BDSM and polyamory lifestyles resent that BDSM is currently listed as a disorder and are lobbying for that lifestyle choice to be deleted from the DSM or changed from a disorder to a lifestyle choice. (http://ncsfreedom.org/)

Implications for Social Work Practice: Values and Ethics The NASW Code of Ethics is the basic code of conduct that all social workers are required to follow. All core values must be kept in mind at all times. In relation to the polyamory culture it is obvious that the two core values that will need to be closely followed are dignity and worth of the person and the importance of human relationships. I also see empowerment and self-determination as two important ethical responsibilities to be focused on within the scope of providing services to members of the poly culture.

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Davidson addressed the value of empowerment during her 2002 speech before the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality stating, Many women, in particular, relish the feeling of owning their desires, bodies and sexual-loving choices as a means of challenging generations of patriarchal oppression [through the] capacity to meet more of one's emotional, intellectual and sexual needs [while] accepting that one person cannot provide all. Conversely, [she is released] from the expectation that one must meet all of a primary partner's needs. A polyamory-aware therapist can assist in the aftermath of a breakup by affirming that the client is not letting the polyamorous community down in ending their relationship, and by assisting them in regaining the courage to pursue this type of bond again if they choose to. In a paper presented at the 8th Annual Diversity Conference, March 12th, 1999 in Albany, New York, Geri D. Weitzman listed many ways that therapists can be of help to polyamorous individuals and partners: - helping one partner to decide how to raise the idea of becoming polyamorous to another - helping partners to decide if polyamory is right for them - helping partners to decide what form of polyamory is best for them - helping partners to negotiate the agreements and boundaries of their relationship - helping polyamorous individuals to locate polyamorous communities in their

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region - pointing them to resources such as articles and books and websites on polyamory - helping polyamorous individuals to approach the coming out process - helping polyamorous individuals to cope with and combat discrimination - helping partners in a troubled relationship to negotiate solutions - raising social awareness of polyamory, and combating stereotypes / prejudice - changing language on forms (i.e. "name of partner/s," not "name of spouse") - noting in counseling center brochures that polyamory is understood/accepted - learning more on their own about polyamory issues, using the resources listed - expanding textbooks on family psychology to include a chapter on polyamory (http://www.polyamory.org/)

Proposed Changes in Individuals/Communities and Society As of this time there is no real movement to cause social change around this culture other than many polyamorists would like to legally marry their same-sex primary partner. I have heard within the community that if same sex marriage were to be made acceptable, it would open the door to social acceptability of other types of unconventional, and arguably immoral, liaisons, such as multiple simultaneous romantic relationships/polyamory. However, most polyamorists do not easily share the information that they consider themselves poly unless they are talking to members within this cultural group.

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Social Work Intervention Strategies There are usually three different polyamorous categories that therapists will most likely see in practice. The first is individuals involved in primary-plus arrangements. Primary-plus is defined as a couple in a primary relationship (marriage or marriage-like) that mutually agrees to pursue additional relationships individually. New lovers may become “secondary partners,” i.e., influential, deep relationships invested with serious time and energy commitments, or “tertiary partners”, i.e. occasional lovers. The second is monogamous couples wishing to explore non-monogamy for the first time either through polyamory or swinging, many times the couple is not even clear on the differences. The couple may be seeking ways to balance the current relationship with the addition of other people into the lives of the members of the original/primary relationship. The third potential client category would be singles that embrace the idea of leading a life of poly dating. Poly dating relationships differ from traditional forms of “playing the field” in that the individual is not searching for a “Mr. /Ms. Right” though perhaps seeking Mr. /Ms. Primary and makes full disclosure of intimate relationships to all potential sexual partners. (Davidson, 2002)

Interventions In considering an approach for intervention the immediate theory that comes to mind is systems theory, in that each part must be considered in relation to the other parts

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that make up the whole. In a polyamorous family there are multiple systems represented. For example, the simplest form of polyamory is a 3-person relationship called a Vee. In a Vee, one person is called the hinge or pivot and two people make up the arms. The two arms are not as commonly close to each other as each is to the pivot; however, in most cases they are aware of, and are usually friends with, each other. This familial dynamic in and of itself creates three systems, the pivot and each arm make up 2 systems and then the two arms make up a system. The therapist’s concern is the function or dysfunction of each system in reference to the other systems. We as therapists must keep in mind that a poly family is a family of choice that will have many of the same difficulties associated with a traditional family. Structural family therapy can be useful when there is a need to assist the poly family in the accomplishment of structural change. However, as social workers we are trained to be eclectic and can therefore conceivably use experiential therapy, strategic family therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychoanalytic family therapy, feminist theory or narrative therapy depending on the skill sets of the social worker. Goal setting for polyamorous clients, as well as all clients, will involve setting specific, concrete and, in some cases, behavioral goals for the clients and their particular family dynamic. These goals will need to be realistic, small, achievable, focused on themselves as opposed to someone else, implementing a positive action rather than the absence of a negative and attainable within a certain time period.

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Implementing Change One of major components of a successful polyamorous relationship is the necessity for open and honest communication between all partners. No member should ever feel “out of the loop” due to a lack of communication. In most successful monogamous relationships there is a great deal of time and energy expended just on articulating wants and needs. One can only imagine the amount of time required and the difficulty in creating balance in a poly-based relationship. Therefore, communication skills would be one of the first things that I would address in providing therapy. I would educate clients on how to assertively speak up for their wants and needs within the relationships they have created. I would address the various systems and encourage as many members of the family to attend sessions as possible. During the research for this paper, it became clear that a knowledgeable and caring community exists for those that identify as polyamorous. I would advise clients to seek the resources to make their various relationships work. I would recommend books and articles on communication techniques and styles, Internet research and involvement in in-person as well as online support groups.

Conclusion In conclusion, when working with clients that identify as polyamorous, it is important to understand that it is a lifestyle choice. Most of this paper has assumed that they have come to us for some sort of counseling, either individual or familial. However, it is entirely possible that they had required some other service that falls under the scope

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of our positions as a social worker and they have come to us for whatever assistance that might require that we are qualified to assist them with. It is my goal to keep what I have learned about the “poly” culture and educate my fellow social workers about this culture so that they too can have an understanding of the lifestyle choice called polyamory.

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References:

Cook, Elaine. (November 2005) Commitment in Polyamorous Relationships. Retrieved November 10, 2008 from http://www.aphroweb.net/papers/thesis/index.htm, Davidson, J. (2002, April 16). Working with polyamorous clients in the clinical setting. Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, 5. Retrieved November 6, 2008, from http://www.ejhs.org/volume5/polyoutline.html. http://ncsfreedom.org/, Retrieved November 5, 2008 http://www.indopedia.org/Bisexuality.html, Retrieved November 10, 2008 http://www.polyamory.org/, Retrieved October 15, 2008 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_polyamorists Retrieved November 2, 2008 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_ancient_Greece Retrieved November 16, 2008 http://www.xeromag.com/poly101.pdf, Retrieved November 8, 2008 White, V. (2004). A humanist looks at polyamory. Humanist 64(6) 17-20. Retrieved November 3, 2008 from Academic Search Premier database.

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