Play: A Bureaucracy Of Clowns

SETTING:

Backstage at the circus, very late at night. There are a few short, wooden stools, colorfully painted but worn from use; unopened and opened boxes stacked on each other, some with a skull and crossbones stamped on the side, some with smiley faces stamped on the side, some with "Danger: Hazardous Materials” stamped on the side, and some with all three stamped on the side. All have “ACME” stamped on the side. There are bales of hay, hay all over the floor, and a wooden table stage center. On the table is a small, plastic cauldron full of mixed, hard candy. A large rubber chicken wearing a white cowboy hat, a tiny t-shirt with white and rose-colored stripes and a sapphire-colored diaper lays on its side.

AT RISE:

JOHN is onstage, shouting beyond the audience area to individuals we can't see. He is fully dressed in clown regalia, perhaps an unlit cigar in his mouth. He seems anxious.

JOHN Hey, we’re not paying you’se guys to talk. I didn’t get my half-hour yet, either. With five of you clowns working brooms, we should be seeing three clearly defined rings indigenous to the performance arena of most circuses in the western hemisphere. So quell the freakin' attitude, merci beacoup, ci vou plait! The circus opens today! It’s three o’clock in the morning and we got a lot of work to do! And each of you’se got forms to fill out before taking your half-hour! (Beat) What?! What'd you say? Hah?! Smart guy! What'd he say? You say that to me?! What do I look like to you? Hah?! I’m not miming around here! Get back to that cannon or I’ll kick your ass in triplicate!

2 JOHN (Continued) (Pause) You're not charming me, sweetheart. Yesterday is over. Yesterday is passed. Yesterday is conjecture. And conjecture is not your concern. We have a separate department devoted to conjecture. Unless you’re a committeeman—which I happen to know none of you’se is—it’s none of your concern. (Pause. JOHN listens. His expression grows angry) WHAT’D YOU CALL ME?! (Beat) What?! What?! Well, what if I am?! Hah? What if I am derisive?! What if I’m derisive as hell?! Hah?! Have you considered that? I don’t care what I said before, this is what I’m telling you now! We’re here for the kids, got it? Kids! It’s about the kids! Kids are gonna save this circus. We got a plan, okay? (Beat) What? (Beat) Oh, you are, eh? Did you put in for statutory reclamation? (Beat) Then you’re probably gonna have to make do without. At this point, there’s little to nothing I can do for you, darling. You don’t do the paperwork you don’t get to go to the dance. Okay. You got two options: one, go back and fill out a “2w18d-12: Livestock Bedding Requisition”. Not the standard but the one for bedding. Take it directly to the stockroom and ask for Javier-the-Human-Shield. This guy used to work the Boardwalk but now he’s strictly H.R. His desk just happens to be in the stockroom—don’t ask me why. Give him my name and he’ll take care of you. Problem is, if anyone supervisor or above actually had time and payroll to implement the new stockroom plan-o-gram, there ain’t gonna be any hay leftover because we’re supposed to start collecting it for our new Stockpile Program. More on that later. (Beat) You listening?! Hah?! Not you but smart guy?! What?! Good ‘Cause then your only other option is: go to custodial about midnight tomorrow, just after the opening night show. Custodial will be collecting and logging—LISTEN TO ME!— collecting and logging any post-performance, displaced hay for the same program, the Stockpile Program. They can’t start until midnight, regardless of when the show ends so just make sure you’re there at midnight. You can make the

3 JOHN (Continued) rounds with them and take any excess they collect without violating policy. For that brief time only, it’s considered unclaimed and completely up for grabs. You still have to fill out a “G-10: Garnished Resources Reclamation Form” in duplicate but that’s standard ‘cause we just gotta keep track. After all, hay doesn’t grow on trees. But whatever you do, don’t collect the excess yourself; those guys are Haymaker Local 290; any reclamation done on official rounds has to be done by them. They can, however, hand it to you. As long as they did the actual, physical removal, they can then hand it to you to which you can then put it in a Brown Paper Kraft Bag— doesn’t matter the size—staple the blue copy—the copy, not the original—of the “G10” to the outside of the bag with Lorenzo-the-Human-Sausage-Casing’s signature. You’ll know him—believe me, you’ll know him. He used to work the Boardwalk but now he’s head of custodial. He’s good people. You can trust Lorenzo. And those are your two options. Otherwise, you’re screwed ‘till Monday. But no matter what, you ladies got work to do tonight. So, quit miming around! Finish the floor, get cleaned, get dressed, get your act together! That glitter’s not going to glue itself to your ass! (GEORGE enters; JOHN doesn’t see him) What?! You don’t need to know that! That’s not your concern! All you need to know is: I am the head clown! (GEORGE crosses behind JOHN) So, pick up the broom then get some feathers into that freakin’ cannon! And quell the opinions. What? Don’t wave your little pastry at me! I’ll smack that jelly so fast your head will come unstapled from your neck! Do I look like a housewife? I’M THE ALPHA-CLOWN, BABY! I’M THE ALPHA-CLOWN! I’M THE TOP BANANA! I’M THE TOP BANANA! I’M THE TOP BANANA! GEORGE What are you doin’? JOHN (Sees GEORGE though continues yelling to the others) GEORGE IS THE TOP BANANA! GEORGE IS THE BANANA FOSTER! GEORGE IS THE BANANA DAQUIRI! GEORGE IS… GEORGE Knock it off.

4

JOHN (Still shouting to the others) KNOCK IT OFF! And while you’re at it, we’re still looking for the first box of razor blades. And while you’re at it, you guys gotta pick up more apples! And be sure to wear gloves! GEORGE What are you telling them? JOHN Someone’s gotta talk to them, George. them? This attitude is unacceptable. me.

Who’s gonna talk to They don’t listen to

GEORGE I know the guy to talk to. JOHN They don’t butter the toast of their thoughts with the jelly of my ideas. They won’t touch-up the nose of their attitudes with the makeup of my viewpoints. They ain’t spot-cleaning the undergarments of their discontent with the stain-stick of my concepts. They refuse to… Knock it off.

GEORGE I’ll talk to the guy. JOHN

Ya sure? GEORGE I’m sure. But those guys are not to concern themselves with wearing gloves. JOHN They’re not? GEORGE No. JOHN But they should. GEORGE No, they should not.

5

JOHN No? GEORGE No. JOHN Oh. (Pause) You sure? GEORGE I’m sure. JOHN Oh. But we wear gloves, right? GEORGE We HAVE TO wear gloves. JOHN Have to? GEORGE Got to. JOHN Got to? GEORGE Absolutely. JOHN What if I don’t want to? GEORGE You got to. JOHN Okay. But what if I don’t want to? GEORGE Why would you not want to? JOHN I don’t know.

6 GEORGE I mean, so what? JOHN True. GEORGE So: wear the gloves. Okay? JOHN Okay. Should I tell them? GEORGE Who? JOHN Those guys. GEORGE Those guys you were just talking to? JOHN Yeah. GEORGE No. JOHN No? GEORGE No. Just let me talk to the guy. JOHN You sure? GEORGE I’m sure. JOHN Absolutely? GEORGE Positive. JOHN Positively?

7

Knock it off.

GEORGE I’ll talk to the guy. JOHN

Good. GEORGE Good. Okay.

We gonna eat?

JOHN I want to take my half-hour.

GEORGE No. We gotta do the chicken. (GEORGE picks up the large rubber chicken, gently strokes its gullet as if working food down to the gizzard. JOHN watches him but doesn’t move at first) C’mon! (JOHN sighs, walks to the cauldron and tips it over. Assorted hard candies spill onto the table. He begins making soft clucking sounds as GEORGE continues to stroke the chicken) They’re ready. They’re hungry. They wants their candies. (GEORGE pries open the chicken's mouth as JOHN takes a carefully chosen candy and gently drops it into the mouth. GEORGE strokes the throat, working the candy down into the gullet, which he continues to stroke as well. They repeat this ritual slowly, methodically. They might even "play" with the chicken, talk to it, tickle it, do the Chicken Dance, etc. After a couple of candies, JOHN abruptly stops) JOHN Wait. GEORGE What? JOHN Wait.

8

GEORGE What’s going on? JOHN No. GEORGE What? JOHN No. GEORGE What does that mean? JOHN I can’t. GEORGE What’s with you? JOHN I can’t. GEORGE What? JOHN I can’t. GEORGE Stop that! JOHN I been thinkin’. GEORGE Oh, no. JOHN I can’t. GEORGE John…!

9 JOHN (Sighs) Sigh! GEORGE Did you say “sigh”…? JOHN It's Halloween—yes. It’s Halloween—so, fine. Halloween. (Pause) Fine. (Pause, softly) Fine.

Another

GEORGE What’s with you?! JOHN Fine. GEORGE John…! JOHN Here we are, a couple crazy, crafty clowns too busy stuffing chickens to see how much we’re fooling ourselves… GEORGE What is this now? JOHN …into believing that we know what we’re doing. Trying to make a living—a big fat, oversized, living—in some crazy, twirling, bittersweet cherry bomb of a world. GEORGE John… JOHN Hoping Piccolo Lady is a better facilities clerk than Tuna Man, praying Jimmy-the-Fetus really can make a “Profit and Loss” statement sing, believing that people all over the world will have faith in our little circus regardless of the fact that the amazing and daring feats of the MeatEating Swordsman and his dietetic dog Carlos no longer perform because of their promotion to middle-management!

10

GEORGE John… JOHN I’m not done. I mean, do we actually believe people are still interested in paying top dollar to see a bearded lady? GEORGE John… JOHN Really? How rare is it to find a bearded lady? GEORGE JOHN… JOHN Just throw a rock in any Wal-Mart on any Sunday afternoon… GEORGE JOHN… I’m not done. know…

JOHN And here we are, pretending to act like you GEORGE

John… JOHN …that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know how to save the circus. Something’s gotta give. Or something’s gonna give me pause. It gives a clown pause. (Sighs) Pause. GEORGE Pause? JOHN Who we think we kiddin’, George?

This won’t work.

GEORGE What the hell are you goin’ on about?! JOHN

11 Do you really think this'll work?

This won’t work.

GEORGE What won’t work? JOHN People are gonna bite into those apples. The innocent. The unvarnished. The inoculated. Women. Kids. Ducks. Puppies. Disney characters. Who knows? They’re all gonna bite into those apples. GEORGE So? JOHN The one’s we’re putting razor blades in. the razor blades.

If we ever find

GEORGE You’re just now figuring that out? JOHN Well, no, I knew. Of course I knew. But now I’m really thinkin’ about it. This is what I’m saying. This is what I’m thinkin’. Because I been thinkin’. I been working on thinkin’. So, while I been working on thinkin’ I been thinkin’ that work is a good place to work on thinkin’. At least that's what I think. At least that's what I thought. Maybe it is, maybe it’s not because, while I was thinkin’, it occurred to me that the kids won’t know there’s razors in them apples. GEORGE Really. JOHN Kids. Kids with dreams. Kids with kites. Kids with ponies. Kids without ponies. Kids with plastic rainbows. Kids with strobe lights in their sneakers. Kids. Yeah, really. Kids. Kids are going to go up to the table, get their badge, pick up their treat, pull out their apple and bite into it. And they’ll get cut because they won’t know there’s a razor in there. Kids. GEORGE John.

12 JOHN Kids. GEORGE John. JOHN Kids. What? GEORGE It’s supposed to be a surprise. JOHN I bet it will be a surprise. GEORGE Good. JOHN Kids. GEORGE John… JOHN I’d be pissed. GEORGE Why do you do this? JOHN Moi? GEORGE You were given a complete, annotated, abridged prospectus. Did you read it? Hah? JOHN This wasn’t my idea. I’m just sayin’. This was not my idea. GEORGE I thought you were a team player. JOHN Kids!

It shall be known.

13 GEORGE Stop saying that! JOHN I’m always a team player. Kids. And parents will be pissed. Kids. GEORGE Of course they’ll be pissed. I told you this. I say write things down. Think, sure, why not. That’s the place to start. But then write things down. Remember? The next step. JOHN Kids. GEORGE You don’t listen. Add "listen". (JOHN does nothing) Add “listen”. (JOHN does nothing) You’re not writing. JOHN I forgot my notebook. GEORGE Make sure you add it later. JOHN I don’t know if I’ll remember. GEORGE Then write yourself a reminder. JOHN Okay. (Pulls out a small notebook and a crayon and writes) GEORGE I thought you forgot your notebook. JOHN I forgot my remembrance notebook. GEORGE I’m impressed.

This one’s for reminders.

14

JOHN Thank you. GEORGE See, John. We figured kids would get cut and parents would get pissed. We could not find an alternative. JOHN You guys looked for an alternative? GEORGE All options were considered. JOHN You looked in the archives? GEORGE Yes. JOHN In the directory? GEORGE Yes. JOHN In the subdirectory? GEORGE Yes. JOHN In the index? GEORGE Yes. JOHN The table of contents? GEORGE Yes. JOHN And?

15

GEORGE All options were considered. JOHN There’s all kinds of stuff in those archives. Photographs, statistics, maps. Testimonies. First-hand accounts. You looked at that stuff? GEORGE Yes. JOHN You studied other circuses? GEORGE Yes. JOHN And? GEORGE All options were considered. JOHN You guys did surveys? GEORGE Yes. JOHN Positioned satellites? GEORGE Yes. JOHN Conducted polls? Yes, John.

GEORGE We did all those things.

JOHN Wrote questionnaires? Composed job descriptions? tests? Urine samples? GEORGE

Blood

16 I have no other answer: all options were considered. JOHN Screened for glaucoma? GEORGE Yes. JOHN Tested for diabetes? GEORGE Yes. JOHN Hypertension? Cholesterol? GEORGE Yes, yes. JOHN Breathalyzers? HIV? GEORGE Yes, yes, yes! JOHN Rabies, scabies, cat-scratch-fever? GEORGE YES! YES! YES! What do you expect to hear? What do you expect me to tell you? What answer do you expect to get? I’ve given you the answer. Kids don’t go to the circus anymore. That’s your answer. They don’t like the circus anymore. It spooks them. We spook them. You want to know about polls? I’ll give polls. English newspaper does a survey. What do they find? They learn that kids are more afraid of clowns than hospitals. You believe that? You ask about polls? Yeah, we looked at polls. We wrote polls. We conducted polls. We answered polls. Pools of polls. All options were considered. JOHN Mmm...

17

GEORGE Got it? JOHN …mmm… GEORGE Write it down.

Think about it.

JOHN Both? GEORGE Get back to work! (Pause. JOHN walks back up to the chicken and lifts it up. He seems too distracted to massage its gullet but GEORGE begins inserting candy anyway, not really noticing JOHN's apathy) JOHN (Suddenly stops; a lightbulb moment) Wait! GEORGE What? JOHN I got it! GEORGE Stop doing that! I have a thought!

JOHN An answer!

Another way out!

GEORGE What?

JOHN Maybe…! Maybe...! You know what I think?

Maybe there

18 should maybe not be razors in the apples! I think maybe we should consider maybe putting the razors in a basket next to the apples, perhaps. If someone wants a razor in their apple, perhaps they can take one and put it in themselves, perhaps. You know? See that? Huh? Maybe they can take a razor for later if they want…? Maybe? Perhaps? GEORGE What are we discussing now? JOHN Not putting razors in the apples. I can't let it go. I tried. Should we not let the kids decide for themselves, my friend? This is, after all, a democracy. GEORGE First of all, who would choose to put a razor in an apple they knew they were about to eat? You’re not making sense. It’s supposed to be a surprise. The point is supposed to be that they don’t know there’s a razor in the apple. They don’t know they’re about to cut themselves. Get it? That’s why it’s funny. Ha-ha. JOHN See? I don’t believe you really think it’s funny. GEORGE Of course I don’t think it’s funny! It’s stupid! It’s idiotic! It’s ridiculous! Those kids are going to get hurt! Someone’s going to get seriously hurt because of what we’re doing! I’m sick over it! No one understands. It drives me nuts that you people insist this is something I take pleasure in! It was the one reason everyone could agree on. We sat there staring at each. We couldn’t believe what we had just agreed upon. Don’t you think we were shocked? We were shocked. We were disgusted. Four clowns walked out: Bozo, Bonzo, Bobo and Abdul. They didn’t’ want any part of it. But you know what? The next morning they called because they knew. As sick as it sounded, it was the only option we knew we could find even a thread of agreement on. A beautiful, colorful, bright red thread. One that will have children in hospital beds everywhere crying for clowns. Begging for clowns. Screaming for clowns. Because, despite the razors in the apples, you must remember one thing: we have no desire to GEORGE (Continued)

19 hurt anyone. All we want is to make kids laugh. It would be great if we could just jump up and say, “Careful! Don’t bite there! There’s a razor inside!” But how would that look? (Pause) JOHN Then why are we doing it? GEORGE For the kids. JOHN The kids? GEORGE We’re taking a risk for those kids. We’re placing our butts on the line for those kids. We have to. We have to risk everything if the circus will survive. We’re doing it for them. JOHN Who is? GEORGE Don’t you see? JOHN I see. GEORGE Do you? JOHN Yes. GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. (Beat. GEORGE begins to return to the chicken) Why we doing it again? I’m sorry. GEORGE (Sighs)

20 We’re not. JOHN Oh! We’re not! (Pause. A touch of disappointment) We’re not? GEORGE Not really. That’s one of the reasons you and I were hired as out-sourcing specialists. True, we were already employed here. But for this project we're being licensed as independent contractors, limiting our corporate liability. It makes good sense. You didn’t read your complete, annotated, abridged prospectus, did you? JOHN I did. GEORGE You did? JOHN Maybe I skimmed, perhaps. GEORGE It’s all in there, John. If you did read it, you would know that you and I are not actually supposed to be putting razors in apples. JOHN We’re not? GEORGE No. What we’re scheduled for is a process called “insertion”. (Closing his eyes, straining to recite from memory) “Internal cutlery hardware installation.” That’s not so bad, right? Thirdly, do you have a better idea? JOHN No. GEORGE Fourthish, are your kids going to be here tonight?

21 JOHN Of course not! GEORGE So what are you so worried about? Do us all a favor and don’t pretend you know what kids want. That’s arrogant and I don’t think kids care for it. Also: you forget razors are small. They might just swallow them and never even know they were there. It’s not inconceivable that every kid will actually swallow their razor, never even knowing it was there. Then it will quietly pass through their digestive system and you'll have made a stink for nothing. We’ll be back to square one and you would have gotten them worked up for nothing. Is that what you want? JOHN Course not. GEORGE Can you imagine standing in front of a room full of people and telling them that the apple they’re about to eat has a razor in it? It should only be done as a last resort! And we’ll only resort to that when the time comes. If it comes, which it won’t. I don’t think. So, there. (Pause) You know, George. a single apple.

JOHN They have yet to put a single razor into

GEORGE (Impatiently checking his watch, mumbling under his breath) Yes, I know... JOHN If we chose to, we could simply just not do it. Simply put, you and I can intercept, in a simple way, and set those apples out, allowing people to simply enjoy them without the complexity of razors. Why not? You and I? We’re a team, George! We can do it! And with a real lack of pizzazz! Just like we do everything! (Long painful pause)

22 GEORGE You’re a real asshole. (Pause) JOHN Wow. Why did you say that, George? talk that way, before.

I’ve never heard you

GEORGE I wash my hands of you. JOHN George… GEORGE Is this what it comes down to? Huh? Just when everyone’s counting on us, you make it about you? I feel ill! Just when those kids really need you, you back out. After tonight, those kids will really need a clown to cheer them up. They’re about to get cut. Butchered. They might be traumatized. For life. It could get rough. God knows how many children will be lying in hospital beds injured from those apples. But Mr. Sunshine finds this to be the most convenient moment to have a diva fit. Mr. Sunshine makes me sick! Get away from me! JOHN Hey, George, come on… GEORGE GET AWAY FROM ME!!! (GEORGE exits) JOHN George!!! Don’t be like this! Please! I’m sorry, George! George? I didn’t think of that, George! I want to be a clown! Let me be a clown! I love kids! I love making kids laugh! I was just kidding, okay? I won’t make an announcement, okay? I won’t say anything. We’ll just let things go where they go. I’m a team player. Don’t be mad at me, George. I couldn’t stand it if you were mad at me. (GEORGE slowly enters, carrying a single banana and a sheet of pink paper with words

23 printed on it. He crosses past JOHN, sets the banana on the table then stands on the opposite side of the room. As JOHN stares at the banana, GEORGE carefully folds the pink piece of paper, sprinkles a little silver and gold fairy dust on it, then puts it in his back pocket) GEORGE Who did you tell about this? JOHN No one. GEORGE You sure? JOHN I’m sure. GEORGE You positive? JOHN I’m positive. GEORGE Positively sure? JOHN Positivo, bon soir! (Pause) GEORGE You know what I think? (JOHN is transfixed with the banana) KNOW WHAT I THINK?! JOHN (Snapping momentarily out of his trance) What do you think, George? I want to know. Really. GEORGE I don’t think you want to wear gloves. JOHN Really?

24

GEORGE Really? JOHN You think I don’t want to wear gloves? GEORGE I didn’t say that. JOHN You didn’t? GEORGE No. JOHN Just now? GEORGE No. JOHN Really? GEORGE Really. JOHN You didn’t just say that you thought that I didn’t want to wear gloves? GEORGE No. JOHN Oh. GEORGE I said that I didn’t think that you wanted to wear gloves. Not that I thought that you didn’t want to wear gloves. Get it? JOHN Um… GEORGE

25 And I don’t think you’re worried about those kids at all. JOHN You don’t? GEORGE No. I think you’re worried about yourself. JOHN What do you mean? GEORGE Yeah. Maybe I’m out of line here but I think you’re afraid that YOU might go up to that table and that YOU might eat one of those apples and that YOU might hurt yourself! JOHN You serious? GEORGE Serious as a clown stuffing a rubber chicken with candy can be. I just wish you’d admit it. (Pause) JOHN George? GEORGE Yeah? JOHN Is that your banana, George? GEORGE What? JOHN The banana you just set down on the table? The one with the two produce stickers on it like a pair of eyes and the stem slightly split down the center kinda like a wishbone? Is that your banana? GEORGE Yeah. That’s my banana. JOHN

26 Okay. GEORGE Okay? JOHN Okay. GEORGE Okay. (Pause) And? JOHN And…? GEORGE I’m waiting, John. (Long pause) JOHN Oh! Right! (Pause) Okay. It’s true, I guess. I was afraid that I’d go up there and have one of those apples. GEORGE Why? JOHN Why? GEORGE Yeah. Why? JOHN Well, for one, I like apples. GEORGE And? JOHN And?

27 GEORGE You like apples and…? JOHN Bananas. I like apples and bananas. GEORGE NO! You would pick up one of those apples and… JOHN Oh! I like apples and…despite the fact that I know there would be razors in those apples… GEORGE Yeah? JOHN ...despite the fact that I know there would be razors in those apples... GEORGE Yeah...? JOHN ...despite the fact that I know there would be razors in those apples...I think I might eat one anyway. GEORGE Really. JOHN Yeah. GEORGE And why is that? JOHN I don’t know. You sure about that? you do know.

GEORGE Look at me!

JOHN

Think about it.

I think

28 (Trying to focus on GEORGE) Okay. I think I might get an apple anyway because, even though I know there are razors in them, that, there apples, I think I won’t be able to help myself… GEORGE Right. Any maybe…maybe BECAUSE you know there are razors in them apples. JOHN Yeah. BECAUSE there are apples in those razors. razors in those apples. GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. GEORGE Are you listening? Okay. I mean, yeah.

JOHN I mean, yes. GEORGE

Good. JOHN Good. GEORGE Great. (Pause) We just got a fax. JOHN Oh? GEORGE Yeah. JOHN And? GEORGE No gloves.

I mean,

29

JOHN No gloves? GEORGE No gloves. JOHN Oh. GEORGE I thought you’d be relieved. JOHN I am. GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. GEORGE One less thing to worry about. JOHN Exactly. GEORGE For you. JOHN For me? GEORGE For you. JOHN Oh. (Pause) And you. GEORGE No. Not me. JOHN What?

30

GEORGE I still wear gloves. JOHN Oh. GEORGE Yeah. Okay? JOHN Okay. GEORGE Okay. (Pause) JOHN But why? GEORGE Because. Okay? JOHN Okay. GEORGE Okay. (Pause) JOHN Because…why? GEORGE John? JOHN George? GEORGE Let’s get back to work. (Pause) John?

31 (Pause) JOHN But… (Beat) But… GEORGE What? JOHN Because… (Beat) …why? GEORGE If I said we were not given a reason, could we get back to work? JOHN Maybe. GEORGE Would you like to see the fax? JOHN May I? GEORGE Yes, you may. (GEORGE goes to get the pink piece of paper out of his pocket but all he gets his a handful of pink, glittery confetti) Well, will you look at that! JOHN Was that the fax? GEORGE Dang thermal paper! (Pause) Well. Let’s get back to work. JOHN Okay.

32 (JOHN sits as GEORGE crosses back to the chicken. JOHN is again transfixed with the banana) GEORGE John…? JOHN Okay. GEORGE John! JOHN What? GEORGE John. JOHN What. GEORGE John. (Pause) It’s nothing. JOHN What? GEORGE The gloves.

Don’t dwell.

What? No. I’m fine.

JOHN With that.

I think.

GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. (Pause. GEORGE waits. JOHN won’t move)

Here, John.

GEORGE Here. Come here, John.

33 (JOHN stands) Good John! (JOHN sits) What the hell’s with you! JOHN I can’t. GEORGE Why not? JOHN I just can’t. GEORGE Why can’t you? JOHN Because. GEORGE Because why? JOHN I can’t. GEORGE John… I’m sorry. I’m sorry. for human consumption…

JOHN I’m such a mess.

I’m just…not…fit…

(GEORGE return to the chicken, stroking and stuffing it as best he can without JOHN’S help. He finds the task cumbersome. JOHN still focuses on GEORGE’S banana) GEORGE You blabbed, didn’t you? You couldn’t keep the secret to yourself. You told Meat Man about the razors, didn’t you? (No answer) If you don’t get back to work, you’ll have to fill out a “Policy Deviation” form. You want that? And because this involves me, we’ll both have to contact the Employee GEORGE (Continued) Relations Manager at Human Resources and fill out an

34 “Internal Review Request” as outlined in the “Dispute Resolution Program” materials in your employee handbook. Which requires an employee dispute mediation committee interviewing both of us and a full-blown investigation just when we’re trying to launch the big top! Then there’s all the post-resolution paperwork and a “Self-Esteem Reclamation Assessment” test before we’ll even be allowed to clean Dung Lady’s toilet! You want to deal with all that paperwork?! JOHN No. But I will. I will, gladly! If that’s what the company expects, I will. I’m a team player. It shall be known. GEORGE This chicken has a short attention span, John. We gotta feed it now. It wants candies. It wants action. It wants good times. It wants an SUV with a five-CD changer and a television with a DVD player. It wants an extreme makeover on its hairy tush. It wants more orgasms. It wants you to know it’s a woman, baby. It wants you to know it’s a man, buddy. It wants you to know how badly it wants fear. JOHN I’ll give it fear. GEORGE Good! JOHN Good. (Pause) GEORGE You gonna get back to work? JOHN Yeah. (He slowly rises then drops back onto his stool. He tries again; same thing) And I don’t associate with Meat Boy. GEORGE Meat Man. JOHN

35 Meat Man.

Meat Boy. (Pause)

Anyone in the Meat family.

Okay. (He finally gets up and they return to the chicken, stuffing it as before. JOHN’S attention again falls on the banana) So, they really don’t want me to wear a hat? GEORGE Gloves. JOHN Gloves, I mean…? GEORGE It’s not about “want” John. It’s never arbitrary. not based on whim.

It’s

JOHN It’s not, huh? GEORGE I can only communicate the instructions in the same manner as they were communicated to me. JOHN Confetti? GEORGE I can only tell you what I was told! Fair enough.

JOHN Hey, George…? GEORGE

Yeah? JOHN That banana… (Pause) GEORGE Yeah? JOHN I was thinkin’…

Okay?

36

GEORGE Yeah? GEORGE Yeah. I was wonderin’… GEORGE I don’t have all day to discuss produce.

Spit it out, John.

JOHN Nothin’. GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. (Pause) Just… (Pause) Well… (Pause) You gonna eat that banana? GEORGE What? JOHN That banana you set down there with the two eyeballs and the hair parted down the center—you gonna eat it? GEORGE I dunno.

Maybe. Why? JOHN

I was just wonderin’ GEORGE You want it? JOHN No. I dunno. Well, you can’t have it.

GEORGE I’m gonna eat it.

37 JOHN Okay. GEORGE Why? JOHN Why? GEORGE Yeah. Why? JOHN No reason. GEORGE No reason? JOHN No reason. GEORGE Good. (Pause) Good. (Pause) Okay. (Pause) Why did you ask about my banana? JOHN No reason. Knock it off.

GEORGE Why’d you ask? JOHN

Well, I was wonderin’… GEORGE Yeah…? JOHN Yeah. (Pause)

38 GEORGE About what? JOHN Oh… GEORGE C’mon! JOHN Stuff. GEORGE What…“stuff”? JOHN Just “stuff”. GEORGE What do you mean, “stuff”?! JOHN Bananas and stuff... STOP THIS.

GEORGE Tell me now why you asked about my banana. JOHN

I WAS JUST CURIOUS. (Pause) God. GEORGE Curious…? JOHN Yes. GEORGE You sure you didn’t ask because you wanted it? No. I don’t think so. Why? Can I have it?

JOHN I don’t know. GEORGE

No.

I might have.

Maybe.

39

JOHN Then I don’t want it. GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. (They continue with the chicken) George? GEORGE What? JOHN George? GEORGE What? JOHN George. (Pause) Can I touch your banana? (GEORGE almost throws the chicken down in disgust. He backs away from JOHN) GEORGE What the hell is wrong with you?! JOHN What? GEORGE Are you some kind of sicko?! JOHN What? No! GEORGE You wanna touch my banana?! What the hell’s wrong with you?! JOHN I didn’t say I wanted to date it!

I just want to touch it!

40

GEORGE You know what that sounds like?! JOHN What? No! I know that it’s a banana!

I just wanna touch it!

GEORGE Why? JOHN Why? Stop horsin’ around!

GEORGE Why do you wanna touch my banana?! JOHN

I don’t know. GEORGE Well, figure it out! Because…I don’t know.

JOHN I just wanna.

GEORGE You better come up with an answer or we’re through! JOHN Aw…George…! Don’t take it so seriously! It’s a nice banana. It has a unique…stem. I won’t harm it. I won’t eat it. I won’t remove its clothes. I just want to touch it. GEORGE I don’t want you to touch it! JOHN Ah. GEORGE Ah? JOHN Ah-hah. There you go. GEORGE

41 What the hell does that mean? JOHN There’s your reason. GEORGE Where? JOHN Right there. GEORGE Where? JOHN Right there. GEORGE Where? JOHN Right there! GEORGE What the hell you talkin’ about? JOHN That’s why I wanna touch your banana: because you don’t want me to. (Pause) GEORGE That’s stupid. JOHN Oh? GEORGE Yeah. I used to think you were smart but that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. JOHN You thought I was smart? Now that would be somethin’ to write down!

42 GEORGE I wouldn’t even care about you touching my banana if you didn’t want to so badly! JOHN Really? GEORGE Really! JOHN Okay. Well, I don’t even think I even wanna touch it anymore. GEORGE Good! JOHN Good! GEORGE Great! JOHN Great! GEORGE Good. Let’s get back to work. JOHN You got it. GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. (Pause) So can I touch it, now? GEORGE NO!!! JOHN Why not? GEORGE

43 FORGET THE BANANA! You’re never touching my banana! As long as I have a banana, you don’t have permission to touch it! Got it? JOHN Got it. GEORGE Good. Now let’s get back to work and put this “banana” thing behind us. JOHN Okay. GEORGE Okay. JOHN Okay. GEORGE Good. (Long pause. They resume with the chicken for a few moments) JOHN George? GEORGE What. JOHN George? GEORGE What? JOHN George. (Beat) I touched your banana. GEORGE (GEORGE throws the chicken down) YOU WHAT?!

44 JOHN I already touched it! GEORGE When? JOHN Don’t get mad! GEORGE WHEN? JOHN Earlier. GEORGE WHERE? JOHN Back there. On the table. In the prop room. You set it down. I saw it. It was cute. It looked so yellow. I had to touch it. I took my pointer finger and touched…it…just… so…! (Very delicately mimes touching) GEORGE WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING! JOHN I wasn’t thinking…I don’t think…I don’t know, George! JOHN WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU HAD THE RIGHT TO TOUCH MY BANANA! JOHN I wasn’t thinking! GEORGE How would you like it if I touched your banana? JOHN If I had a banana, I’d let you touch it, George!

GEORGE

Huh? I swear!

45 Is that what this is about? That’s sick! This is my banana, get it? It’s not meant for your fingers, okay? Do you think you can wrap your little mind around that concept? JOHN Do you feel contempt for me, George? contemptuous!

I’m sensing you feel

GEORGE Is that why you touched it? Huh? And you thought touching it would make me feel less contemptuous about something else? The apples? Let’s make this clear: this is my banana and it’s not meant for your fingers. And just to prove my point, I’m going to commence with the bananaeating portion of the evening… (He holds up the banana, about to peel it) JOHN WAIT!!! GEORGE (Pauses for a moment) What? JOHN Nothin’. GEORGE What were you gonna say? JOHN Nothin’. GEORGE John! JOHN I forgot.

GEORGE Stupid. (He poises himself to peel it again then pauses, expecting an interruption from JOHN) Okay.

46 (He gets ready to peel it again but again pauses) All right… (He looks at JOHN who says nothing) You have nothing to say? JOHN Nope. GEORGE You sure? JOHN I’m sure. GEORGE Good! Okay…! (He gets ready to peel the banana again but again pauses. He looks at JOHN who just looks back. He set the banana back down on the table, almost slamming it) Damn you! JOHN What’s wrong, George? GEORGE You son-of-a-bitch! JOHN Wow. Why did you call me that, George? GEORGE WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BANANA?! JOHN What? GEORGE What did you do to my banana?! When you touched it! want to know what you did to it! JOHN I didn’t do anything to it, George. GEORGE

I

47 Don’t lie to me! JOHN I’m not lying to you, George. GEORGE You swear you didn’t do anything to my banana? JOHN I didn’t do anything to your banana.

I swear.

GEORGE You swear you swear? JOHN I swear I swear that I swear that I swear, George. didn’t do anything to your banana.

I

GEORGE All right. (He crosses back to the banana and picks it up. He looks closely at it, inspecting it. He poises to peel it) JOHN I don’t think. GEORGE WHAT? You yell a lot, George.

JOHN That can’t be good on your throat.

GEORGE WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS BANANA? JOHN I just wanna be sure, George.

That’s all.

GEORGE Okay. I’m asking you calmly. What did you do to my banana? JOHN Nothing. GEORGE

48 Nothing? JOHN Nothing. GEORGE You sure? JOHN I’m sure. GEORGE You positive? JOHN I’m positive. GEORGE Okay. (GEORGE picks up banana, is about to peel it) JOHN I don’t think. GEORGE STOP DOING THAT!!! JOHN It makes little to no sense, George. I’m the one who’s skeptical about the razor/apple combo, why would I do something to your banana? GEORGE To teach me a lesson. JOHN Ah…! So you think you need to be taught a lesson, huh, George? GEORGE NO! JOHN No? GEORGE Of course not!

49

JOHN You sure? GEORGE What the hell is this?! JOHN You don’t sound sure. Yes, I do!

I do!

GEORGE What?! I do! JOHN

Okay, George. GEORGE I do! JOHN George, George… GEORGE What? JOHN George… GEORGE Do. JOHN Okay. Here’s the scoop. GEORGE Do. JOHN Okay, George.

Calm down. GEORGE

Do. JOHN Let me talk. GEORGE

50 Okay. Do. JOHN Okay. I saw your banana sitting back there on the table. I noticed it had two produce stickers on it. I thought, “what a freak”. Then I thought, “poor guy. I bet George would never have even picked that banana if he knew it had two produce stickers. Not to mention that bad colic”. So, I thought, I would touch him just so he didn’t feel ignored. That’s all. I wanted him to know that he was part of the team. But can I guarantee that I’m not coming down with a cold? Well, I don’t think I’m coming down with a cold. But if I was coming down with a cold, I would still be contagious. I might not even know it and I would still be spreading germs. What if I’m carrying some other terrible disease? What if I have typhoid? Or anthrax? Or pneumonic plague? And did I set the banana down the way I picked it up? What if someone put a hat pin down on the table and I accidentally set your banana down on it? And what if I set it down at some freaky angle and the pin went inside the banana without me knowing it? A long shot but not impossible. And what if I set the banana down too hard and bruised it internally so that it began to rot at an accelerated rate? After all, it’s a banana. So, I don’t think I did anything to it. I don’t think. Okay? GEORGE Well… No games, George. honest with you.

JOHN I’m being a million-and-a-half percent GEORGE

Well…okay. JOHN Okay. Really, George. Vouloir le beurre et l’argent du beurre! My main bone of contention is the apples. And the bloody razors. That’s all. I wouldn’t fuck with your fruit. GEORGE Okay. Good. ‘Cause I wouldn’t…tamper…with your fruit. Either. JOHN

51 Jolly good. GEORGE Okay. Let’s get back to work. (They go back to the rubber chicken and resume working) John. JOHN George. GEORGE John. JOHN George. GEORGE Cut it out. John. (GEORGE nods to the banana) JOHN What, George? GEORGE That banana… JOHN What banana? Knock it off.

GEORGE What are we gonna do with it?

JOHN What do you wanna do with it? Stop that.

GEORGE I’m serious. What are we gonna do with it?

JOHN I thought you were gonna eat it. GEORGE You think I’m gonna eat that thing now? kiddin’! You eat it! JOHN

You gotta be

52 What? GEORGE Yeah. I want you to eat it. JOHN You do? GEORGE Yeah. I wanna watch you eat it! JOHN What? GEORGE I wanna watch you eat that banana. You wanted to eat it so badly now I want you to have it! I want you to enjoy it! Let it enrich you! JOHN George. I never said I wanted to eat your banana. wanted to touch it.

I said I

GEORGE You already had touched it. JOHN True. So, touch it again.

GEORGE I wanna see you touch it.

JOHN I don’t wanna touch it anymore. don’t need to touch it again.

I already touched it.

GEORGE You said you wanted to touch it again. JOHN That was then this is now. Things change. change. I’m over your banana. GEORGE Well, I’m not gonna touch it. JOHN

Opinions

I

53 Then don’t touch it. GEORGE I won’t. JOHN Good. GEORGE Good. JOHN Good. (Pause) GEORGE John. JOHN George. GEORGE John. JOHN George. GEORGE John. (Pause) When you touched my banana… JOHN Yes? GEORGE Did you… JOHN Did I? GEORGE Were you… JOHN What, George?

54

(Pause. GEORGE sighs) GEORGE Did you have gloves on? (Pause. JOHN smiles) You’re smiling. (JOHN laughs a slow, sinister laugh) You’re laughing. JOHN George… GEORGE DID YOU HAVE GLOVES ON??? JOHN NO. GEORGE Good. (Pause) JOHN I don’t think. GEORGE What?! JOHN Well, would that not have been the more sanitary choice, my friend? To wear gloves? GEORGE NO! JOHN No? GEORGE WHO CARES?! JOHN You, apparently… GEORGE

55 How could you not know if you were wearing gloves? JOHN I do know. GEORGE And? JOHN No. I did not wear gloves to the banana-touching ceremony. GEORGE Good. (Pause) Great. JOHN Excellent. GEORGE So, what are we gonna do with it then? JOHN Why do you keep asking that? GEORGE Well, we gotta do something with it! It’s gonna rot. It will spread germs. It will become infested. It will become grotesque and maniacal. It will become angry and whimsical. It will want stuffed animals on its bed. It will serve red wine with fish. It will want to sit at the front of the bus. It will want to sit at the back of the bus. It will one day try to rule the world. We gotta get rid of that banana. JOHN It’s just a banana, George. Cute, maybe a little mischievous but nonetheless, a banana. GEORGE All the same. I don’t trust it. There’s something fishy about that banana. It knows too much. JOHN It’s just a banana, George. GEORGE That’s not good enough anymore…

56 (GEORGE begins crossing to the banana) JOHN What are you gonna do, George? GEORGE I’m gonna take care of that banana! JOHN Be careful, George! GEORGE Be careful? JOHN Be careful. GEORGE Why? JOHN Just…be careful.

It might…who knows?

GEORGE YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO THIS BANANA! JOHN I DIDN’T. (Pause) But who knows if someone else did. (GEORGE stares at the banana.

Silence)

GEORGE We both touched that banana. JOHN You touched it for a long time. You rubbed it with your hand. You put it in your mouth. GEORGE I did not! JOHN You almost did. Yeah, well…still.

GEORGE What do we do?

57

(Pause. They think for several moments) JOHN Eh. Just leave it there. I’ll take care of it after I take my half-hour. (Reaches under his hat and pulls out a bag of pretzels) GEORGE What?! JOHN Is that a “what: I-didn’t-hear-you,” or “what: I-can’tbelieve-you-said-that”? GEORGE I can’t believe you said that! JOHN Why? It’s not going anywhere. cute.

And I still think it’s kinda

GEORGE (Walks offstage and returns with a garbage can with a red, “bio-hazard” bag for refuse) Well, I can’t look at it anymore… (He is about to pick it up daintily to drop it in the trash but he seems frightened to touch it. Defeated, he sets the trash back down. Pause. He lifts the trash up again, pauses) John! JOHN George? GEORGE John. JOHN What? GEORGE John. Are we still, uh, divided, about the apples, huh? The apples? JOHN

58 The what…?

The apples…? (Thinks, remembers) Sure! I don’t know. I think so. that!

Yeah! I’m fine with all

GEORGE John. The world needs a clown. When the world gets down, bring on a clown. That there clown will disarm that frown. That there clown will break that frown. That there clown will then patch up that broken frown. Even if he needs to outsource. Get a frown repair contractor. Contractors. Hire his buddies. Train the locals to be frown repair experts but still be on hand to assist. Rebuild the infrastructure of that frown. Build a better, stronger, superior frown. If need be, that there clown will blow up that there frown. Again. And again. And again. Use a strategic air strike if need be, on that frown. For its own good. And if that frown’s hiding? Sometimes you have to hunt down that frown. With heat-seeking devices. Sometimes you have to blow up a bunch of children in order to get to that frown. That’s when you have to not think of them as children. Because you cannot falter from your anti-frown objective. And that’s when you most have to think of us as clowns. Because the “anti-frown objective” is also the “pro-clown objective”. Same thing. ‘Cause clowns always get their frowns. Do you see the process surrounding frowns? Do you see how frowns build team spirit? Like our chicken, John. Like our silly, wobbly, pot-bellied chicken. It’s just sometimes the frown doesn’t know it wants what the chicken wants. But we all need that team spirit. Get me? JOHN Yep. GEORGE And when we get that team spirit we become better, stronger, more superior-type clowns. Agreed? JOHN Sure. GEORGE So. JOHN So?

59

GEORGE So…I need to borrow your gloves. JOHN What?! GEORGE I need to borrow your gloves! JOHN Why? GEORGE To throw out this banana. JOHN Oh. (JOHN starts to reach into his pocket) Maybe I didn’t pick up my gloves yet. GEORGE Don’t even go there. I know that you did, John. I don’t know everything but I do know you picked up your gloves. (JOHN takes his empty hands out of his pockets and puts his arms down at his sides) JOHN Well. GEORGE What’s with you?! These are my gloves. Remember?

JOHN You don’t get to wear gloves. GEORGE

JOHN! I’m right here, George.

JOHN You don’t need to shout.

GEORGE John. Clowns sometimes need to break things.

Why? Because

60 we need clowns to fix things. But if things aren’t broken, we wouldn’t need to fix them. But we want to have to need to have things fixed. We need to believe that fixing needs to get done and we’re just the clowns to do it. And they need to think that they need to get fixed and we’re just the clowns to do it. So, we’re just maintaining a process. We’re just more involved in all aspects of a large, intricate, necessary process. We don’t want anyone to dispute that fact that we are, indeed, clowns. Got it? JOHN (Yawns) Yeah…uh-huh…sure, big guy. GEORGE Good. (Pause) John. JOHN George. GEORGE John. There’s one other option for the apples. JOHN There is? GEORGE Maybe the best option. Now, you’re sure you didn’t tell anyone about the razors and apples…? JOHN I’m sure. GEORGE You positive? JOHN Tragado como media de cartero!!! GEORGE Good. Okay. Now, you’re going to need to be very onboard about not telling anyone. More than before. Proactive. Active, even. We need you actively out there, not telling anyone anything about razors in apples. If this will work, we need to know that we can count on you to go to every

61 man, woman and child and not discuss this with them. Otherwise, there’s no point in making an announcement. get me?

Ya

JOHN Yes. GEORGE Because I think we’ll want to go with this. (JOHN waits) Yeah. See, we don’t tell them that there are razors in the apples… JOHN Yeah… GEORGE And we don’t tell them that there aren’t razors in the apples, either… JOHN No…? GEORGE No. We simply tell them that… (Pause as GEORGE takes off his clown wig, his clown shoes his clown clothes and wipes off his clown makeup. Underneath, he is dressed as any normal American male, perhaps even in a suit and tie) …we have reason to suspect that there might be razors in the apples. (Pause) JOHN Hmm. GEORGE That way, it won’t matter if there’s razors in the apples or not! (Pause. JOHN crosses downstage, next to GEORGE and the banana. They regard each other for a moment. JOHN then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a white glove. He puts it over his left hand. He

62 reaches back into his pocket and pulls out a black glove. He puts this on his right hand. He flexes and stretches his fingers for comfort then reaches for the banana. He picks it up and disposes of it in the trash) JOHN You know what, George? GEORGE What, John? JOHN I wish… GEORGE Yeah…? JOHN I just wish I didn’t know. GEORGE About what? JOHN About it. GEORGE It? JOHN Any of it. The apples, the razors. I wish I never even met that banana, the heartbreaker. I wish I didn’t even know. Not anymore. (Pause) GEORGE Really. JOHN Yeah. GEORGE Well, that’s a very common perspective.

But…guess what?

63

JOHN What? GEORGE You do know. (Pause) Okay? (Pause) You do know. So, now, you can do something or you could not do something. But you know one thing you can still do? JOHN What? GEORGE Not ruin it for everyone else. JOHN Everyone? GEORGE Everyone. JOHN Who? GEORGE Anyone. Everyone. Everyone who every now and then needs— and I do mean NEEDS—to know that they live in a world where they must consider that sometimes...sometimes there might just be razors in the apples. (Long pause) JOHN You sure? GEORGE Kinda. JOHN Hmm. Well, that sounds wonderful to moi! And who knows? apples.

GEORGE Maybe we won’t need to insert razors into

64

JOHN Who knows! GEORGE But even if we don’t… JOHN Even if we don’t… GEORGE Even if there are no razors in the apples… JOHN Even if there are no razors in those apples… GEORGE We have to be in agreement that we’re gonna follow this thing through. JOHN Through. To the end. GEORGE To the end. JOHN Amen. (Pause) I’m gettin’ kinda sick of razors. GEORGE Razors just don’t cut it anymore. JOHN They are wearing kinda thin. GEORGE I’ll cover it with everyone but I think they’ll be good with it. Okay? JOHN Great. GEORGE Great.

65 (Pause) Wow. I thought you’d be thrilled. JOHN I am kinda thrilled. GEORGE You don’t like the idea? JOHN No. It’s a really good idea. You don’t sound excited. upset. What’s with you?

GEORGE I don’t get you.

JOHN Things are different now. I don’t know. though. And I like your tie.

You were so

I like your idea,

GEORGE My tie? JOHN Yeah, but mostly your idea. Let’s go with it. GEORGE Yeah? JOHN Yeah. GEORGE You like my idea? JOHN It’s a clever idea. GEORGE I thought of it myself. JOHN You’re the alpha clown. GEORGE Yeah. (GEORGE dumps the banana)

66 You know. I still don’t understand you, John. Who changes their mind like that? You get all worked up, risk ending our friendship, cry big, glittery tears. Now you’re all nonchalant about it. What gives? JOHN What gives? GEORGE What gives? JOHN Nothing “gives”, George. I’m just takin’ my half-hour. Besides, I’m allowed to be erratic, aloof, whimsical, derisive, flippant, contrary, brilliant and stupid. All at once. I’m a clown. You live in my district. And I live in yours. (Offering the bag) Pretzel? GEORGE Sure. (GEORGE reaches into the bag and takes a pretzel Which he pops in his mouth) Thanks. JOHN (With his free hand he takes off his wig) So, George. Is this war ever gonna end? (GEORGE’S expression becomes alarmed. His eyes bulge and his mouth opens. He begins to cough. He is choking)

BLACKOUT END OF PLAY

67

A Bureaucracy of Clowns _______________________ A Play in One Act by Daniel A. Scurek

Copyright © 2004, 2008, by Daniel A. Scurek Aurora, IL 60502

2790 Packford Ln. 630-898-9001 [H] 630-401-6549 [Cell] [email protected]

Cast of Characters JOHN:

A middle-aged clown, fully dressed in clown

68 gear: funny, frizzy, multi-colored hair, frilly collar, big, red nose, goofy costume, big shoes, evil painted face. Good-natured. GEORGE:

A middle-aged clown, fully dressed in clown gear: frizzy red, white and blue hair, big red nose, goofy costume, big shoes, evil painted face. Short-tempered.

Setting Backstage at the circus, Fulfillment Department.

Time A few days before Halloween, late at night.