Neville Goddard, Jay Ayyar - Azumentè Zavanjeun.pdf

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Azumentè Zavanjeun

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by Jay Ayyar

© 2018 Jay Ayyar

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to the One who is

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Contents 1

2 A Promise of New Food . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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3 The Key to the Mysteries . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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4 Growing the Mustard Seed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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5 The Spark of Potential . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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6 Warning Against Shortcuts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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7 Persist Against Doubt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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1 From Sunset to Sunrise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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1st

Vision of Wealth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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9 Encounter with the Devourer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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10 Volunteer Others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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11 Living Beyond the End . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Vision of Wealth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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13 Babysitting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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14 The Man Named Victor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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15 The Inner Man Restored . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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16 Decide the End . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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17 Squatting in Satan’s House . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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18 The Extreme Test . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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19 The “Quack!” of I AM . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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Contents

Contents 70

21 The Bullet Train to Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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22 The Potter in the Veil . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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23 To Whom Do I Turn? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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24 The Father Plays a Thief . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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25 Murder on the Mountain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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20 No Rest among the Ants . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

26 The Shifty Lover . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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27 Day Joins Night . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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28 Resigned to Victory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100

29 Unbecoming the Machine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102 30 “Live Yourself ” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106 31 The Final Enemy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 114

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32 Walk Away . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 33 The Vultures Gather . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124 34 For the Love of Images . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126 35 The Thankful Spirit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133 36 Await the Volcano . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135

37 Secure the Foundation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141

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1 From Sunset to Sunrise “I am the door. If anyone enters through me, he will be

saved, and will come in and go out, and find pasture .... I have come so that they may have life, and may have it abundantly”

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— Jn. 10.9–10.

Is life the terrible deceit of aging? Where did I go astray? I once was a happy child, when the earth was a delightful sandbox, where friends were forever and living was loved. Did I invite the use and abuse? When trauma struck its deadly blow, life-draining poison became my blood. Who taught me to despise myself? Why I hated every loving desire I conceived! Who split me into pieces? I was splintered and stowed away in dark recesses of mind while the Pretender lived my life, disguising himself as me, fooling everyone, even me. Is life the terrible struggle for freedom? Why do people work, toil-

ing at what they hate to survive? Why do people struggle to behave? They deceive and kill one another over precious resources, and the winner declares his slavery is his freedom! All neglect the fight inside. Suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), I sought-out every fractured piece of myself in the 1

CHAPTER 1. FROM SUNSET TO SUNRISE depths of my darkened mind. I came against the Pretender, and the war began, played-out in severe mood swings and living-memory flashbacks. Negativity and suicide (the Pretender) ruled half of me, and positivity and love (my Self) ruled the remaining half—living half-dead and half-alive is worse than death!

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On November 27th , 2016, my beloved husband suddenly died. Every reason I had to fight, every thing I had to love, died on a sidewalk and slipped away into brain death. The poet Dante was correct:

the center of hell, the domain of the Pretender, is a frozen wasteland, devoid of all feeling, sensation, and meaning. Only darkness exists, and all perceived around is a life-draining vacuum.

Yet people, who are blind to the realities beyond the physical body,

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would say, “You’re still so young. You’ve got your whole life ahead

of you.” And the scholars of echmoth (the wisdom of death) would advise, “Life is a balance of good and evil. Life is sad. Life is happy. Life cannot be only happy.” Their wisdom is foolishness before the lord i am! Such people claim they have suffered, but they have not endured the persecution within themselves and have not truly suffered. Such people claim to have loved, but what love succumbs to the power of death? What love accepts the cloak of widowhood? Life is not life but death masquerading as life. The life I learned

over many years was death. Love is not love but lust masquerading as love. The love I learned early on was lust. Azumentè—love that knows only life—is of will and choice; lust is of need and necessity. Who loves mother and father by choice? So too religious love is lust by the need to obey. Zavanjeun—life that knows only love—is of 2

CHAPTER 1. FROM SUNSET TO SUNRISE imagination and feeling; death is of fact and reason. Fact puts to death possibilities, for once fact is established, that is that. Reason restrains life to the circumference of what is perceived as fact. On November 29th , 2016, after learning my husband was legally dead, I experienced my first-ever vision in broad daylight out in a

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cold hospital roof garden: Two boys were on the ground near a tree in the grass beside a beautiful river. I was the boy crying and squeezing the other boy’s hand. The other boy was dead.

On December 1st , 2016, the night my husband’s brain-dead body was removed from medical support, and at that time, while I was

fighting to sleep, I felt his presence and warmth upwelling into our bedroom from within me.1 I experienced three visions:

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First, two boys were on the ground near a tree in the grass beside a

beautiful river. Both boys were happily playing and cuddling one another, lost in the joy of being together. Second, I saw a land of darkness shrouded in storms and ruled by a

great dark tower. A light brighter than the sun appeared in the sky and descended upon the tower, obliterating all the creations and servants of darkness, restoring light to the land. Third, I was a blue star in space, and my husband was green star, and

we were twirling, dancing, and trailing in love together among the stars. “The gloom will be dispelled for those who were anxious. In earlier times [the Lord] humiliated the land .... but now he brings honor by the way of the sea .... 1

C.G. Jung describes a similar experience in Memories, Dreams, Reflections pg. 312–313.

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CHAPTER 1. FROM SUNSET TO SUNRISE The people walking in darkness see a bright light; light shines on those who live in a land of deep darkness” — Isa. 9.1–2. The “way of the sea” refers to the inner psychological world of the

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mind, and therein is where I experienced what the Apostle Paul de-

scribes as “a light from heaven, brighter than the sun” (Acts 26.13). The “light” is my imagination, which awoke with a vengeance!

Thereafter, the Pretender was defeated. I was healed from PTSD,

and my mood stabilized and my grief was displaced by my sheer astonishment at the incomprehensible outpouring of my inner experience. Having once hated poetry, I became a poet in attempt to ex-

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press and understand my dreams, visions, and revelations. Try as I did, narrative forms could not contain my experience and wisdom. I saw my husband in many visions, and amongst the hopelessness

of grief, I found hope in the images and a place to express my love thought gone; I saw life beyond life, love beyond love, yet I stood there caught between two worlds: this physical world of death and the Heavenly world of my wonderful imagination. No was longer was I half-dead and half-alive. A choice was before

me: I could let my love fade and seek a new husband; make a new life, do and function like the majority of people. Or I could pursue my husband, driven by my love for him. Christ Jesus, the lord i am, “the door”—imagination—stood before me. I saw the only life I wanted, yet how could I believe I could ever have? Would I knock? 4

CHAPTER 1. FROM SUNSET TO SUNRISE Oh how many have turned back upon seeing the door! The physical world held no promise. My love was not satisfied with memories and photographs, the mementos of a widow. Could my husband be reduced to tokens? I think not! Nothing less than life restored would calm my love. No death, no gods, I would burn So I knocked!

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through anything that stood in my way. One evening, I was watching the winter sunset. I thought to my husband, Look at the beautiful sunset.

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Then I heard his voice, “I’d rather watch the sunrise within you.”

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2 A Promise of New Food On March 14, 2017, I dreamed All my food had gone rotten, so I was at a high security Costco, an hour before closing. There were bars over the

windows, gates at the entrance and exit, and everyone was screened. The armed security personnel would not let me through, claiming there was a problem with my membership. I argued against them but was denied,

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and when they closed, I went away; I wasn’t getting in to buy food.

A strange man witnessed my plight, and he offered to give me food that

couldn’t be purchased with money or trade. I was hungry.

Then we were running, not like man’s labored running that tires and

exhausts but a free running with no exertion—the joy of experience. We rolled along the dips and hills of the world, soaking in the pleasure of movement without exertion. The world was becoming magical. The laws of physics on our bodies no longer applied. No longer was I hungry for food; I wanted that magic forever. My food wasn’t rotten as one would think. It was rotten because

I was seeing from a clearer perspective: the food was always rotten! The saying, “You become what you eat,” is true here. I didn’t know I was eating rotten food until my life blew out in extreme pain and 6

CHAPTER 2. A PROMISE OF NEW FOOD suffering. The food is the facts of life, the ways of the world, the presumed truth of the physical senses and superiority of intellect and reason, objective over subjective, fact over feeling, consensus over individuality—these are poisons to the soul. “[The beast] also caused everyone (small and great, rich

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and poor, free and slave ) to obtain a mark on their right hand or on their forehead. Thus no one was al-

lowed to buy or sell things unless he bore the mark of the beast—that is, his name or his number”

— Rev. 13.16–17.

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The “problem with my membership” was that I no longer bore the “mark of the beast”, which without “no one was allowed to buy”.

Having the mark on the forehead indicates man’s blindness in imagination, and having the mark on the right hand indicates man’s ignorance of his right-hand creative power—the mark is a symbol. To bear the mark is to be enslaved to the beasts: (1) the conviction

in the truth of material reality (2) the pervasive belief in a “second cause” (see Awakened Imagination chpt. 7 by N.G.). I no longer bore the mark of the beast; my imagination was awak-

ening, having obliterated the darkness, so I was denied trade. The “strange man” is the lord i am and Christ Jesus: “You who have no money, come! Buy and eat! Come! Buy wine and milk without money and without cost!” — Isa. 55.1. 7

CHAPTER 2. A PROMISE OF NEW FOOD Why do I starve in the land that is mine? Imagine and manifest! Oh how the thieves and murderers have come to enslave the land owner! Who are these powers and authorities who have locked up the treasures of Heaven? By what law have the bars and chains been decreed? Be free of facts. Claim the eternal abundance of reality!

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The “joy of experience” and “movement without exertion” symbolize the life of imagination. Imagination creates the pure joy of a sensational experience without physical exertion and the associated pains of the deficient flesh. Imagination is flying without falling,

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walking on water without sinking, and being without suffering.

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3 The Key to the Mysteries “The mystery, Christ in you ... is your imagination, by which your world is molded”

— The Power of Awareness chpt. 11 by N.G.

I discovered Neville Goddard’s (hereafter “N.G.”) mystical teach-

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ings in April 2017, which explained why on Earth I was suddenly

experiencing visions for hours and having revelations: I was undergoing “The Promise”—the lord, i am was waking as me! The errors of both orthodox and so-called gnostic Christianity

still had sway over my mind, so I could not believe the Promise, yet I was seized and possessed by Neville’s claim that “Christ within” is my newly discovered imaginative capacity. I knew the scripture: “All things were created by him, and apart

from him not one thing was created that has been created” ( Jn 1.3). When I looked upon the earth, I saw nothing made by man that wasn’t first imagined by someone. Christ Jesus was to me both a historical person and a living spirit,

yet that “living spirit” was ill defined and indefinite. I could only identify spirit as an amorphous substance of mind, clearly oppressed by the beliefs in and attitudes of man’s moral laws and thoughts. 9

CHAPTER 3. THE KEY TO THE MYSTERIES The first error to fall was my concept of the gnostic demiurge, the idiot creator of the deficient world. I realized that I was the demiurge. It was my belief in the reality of the idea that gave the idea life and power over me. So began my journey to take back and reincorporate all of myself from the without.

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“The Pharisees and the scholars have taken the keys of knowledge and have hidden them. They have not entered [the Kingdom], nor have they allowed those who want to enter to do so”

— The Gospel of Thomas v. 39.

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My erroneous belief in a historical and literal Jesus—symbolized by

the “Pharisees and scholars”—survived until the end of 2017. My growing affinity for imagination and familiarity with N.G.’s writings led to me perusing some atheist and scholarly explorations into the literary nature of the four gospels, John, Luke, Mark, and Matthew. The subtle and clever literary patterns created and intended by the ancient authors convinced me that these writings were in no way historical accounts, too clever and deliberate to be mere history. So I finally understood and was persuaded in what Neville said: “This plan of redemption is Jesus Christ, but because it is personified, man has taken the vehicle that conveyed the instruction for the instruction, and the agent that expressed the great truth for the truth expressed” — Jesus Christ lecture by N.G. 10

CHAPTER 3. THE KEY TO THE MYSTERIES Thereafter, with the muck of orthodox Christianity dispelled, I had reclaimed the “keys of knowledge”, and in 2018, I began to understand the mysteries written of by many in symbolic concealment. The Bible, the Nag Hammadi Library, William Blake, C.G. Jung’s The Red Book, and Neville Goddard, all write from and testify of the same

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truth in their own manner of speaking and experience. “The way is within us, but not in Gods, nor in teachings, nor in laws. Within us is the way, the truth, and the life”

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— The Red Book pg. 124 by C.G. Jung.

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4 Growing the Mustard Seed “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of

all the seeds, but when it has grown it is the greatest garden plant and becomes a tree, so that the wild birds

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come and nest in its branches”

— Matt. 13. 31–32.

The “mustard seed” is the human imagination. Mine was small and weak. The visions I experienced were realistic and profound, but my conscious use of imagination was ghost-like and unreal. I was intrigued by Neville’s explanation of Biblical forgiveness as imaginative revision (see Awakened Imagination chpt. 4 by N.G). I began with entering into my memories, recalling them in as much

visual and audio detail as possible, trying to make them realistic. When I accomplished that, I made changes, revising the mem-

ory scenes of an abusive childhood and upbringing. I repeated these changes over and over again until they stuck—then I could remember the changes instead of the prior memory. With each positive change, the evil intentions in the memory would form a black cloud 12

CHAPTER 4. GROWING THE MUSTARD SEED and flee out a cracked window or door. Doing this broke and defused the past negative emotions living within me. My major breakthrough was learning to imagine touch. Neville says, “I cannot stress too much the use of touch or the Western Gate” (North of the Strip lecture by N.G). What appeared ghost-like was

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made solid in my imagination by the use of touch. I would hold my husband’s ghost-like hand, and when I added in the sensation of touch, his hand became warm imaginary flesh—I was shocked!

In one happening, anxious over being late for an appointment,

stopped at a traffic light, I imagined I was sitting in a chair at my destination; then I touched the plastic armrest and looked at the clock to

see 1:54 p.m. I held the feeling and sensation of touch as evidence

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of already being there to counteract my anxiety. The world conspired to throw unusual obstacles in my way: leaving late, late bus, severe traffic, backed-up bus tunnel, yet I arrived calm and took a chair, and when I looked at the clock, I saw 1:54 p.m.—I was amazed! What made physical reality real and imagination unreal? Imagi-

nation can duplicate anything and any sensation I may experience in physical reality. I first discovered imagination at birth, yet imagination is shortly set aside during upbringing in favor of the exciting detail and loudness of the physical senses found through imagination, for attention seeks what’s loud, what’s detailed. The senses are drawn to the car crash, not the gentle kiss. So the realness of physical reality is a matter of growing-up in the senses, reinforced by the accumulated errors of deficient mind’s fact and reason. Around July 2017, I experienced in vision what Neville calls the 13

CHAPTER 4. GROWING THE MUSTARD SEED birth from above and David of Biblical fame calling me Father (see The Law and the Promise chpt. 15 by N.G). My experience of the birth was violent and bloody, and my experience of David differed from Neville’s. I recorded my vision in my poem “before the rain”. Thereafter, I began to accept myself being i am, knowing its truth

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yet not having fully integrated the concept into my conscious understanding. I dared assert myself, to regard myself equal to the lord i am. I knew it was true, though I had no proof. “They will rebuild the perpetual ruins

and restore the places that were desolate; they will reestablish the ruined cities,

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the places that have been desolate since ancient times” — Isa. 61.4.

I spent many hours each day lying in bed imagining all kinds of wonderful things—primarily scenes from a new life together with my husband, for months! I fashioned a new revised body for him and eliminated his past sufferings. My imagining was my only weapon against the awful grief! And what a weapon to have! I read all of Neville’s books cover-to-cover twice. I experienced

many visions, some similar to Neville’s visions, notably the “Divine Body” (The Divine Body lecture by N.G) wherein over four hours I saw every imperfection in the world restored before me. Deserts bloomed; the dead came alive; wherever I traveled. I cannot describe how incredible and emotional this experience was. 14

CHAPTER 4. GROWING THE MUSTARD SEED Whenever I went outside, I imagined beggars employed, the disabled as able, roadkill alive and safe in the bushes; I fixed everything wrong by reimagining what I saw and remembering the rewrite. I wasn’t focused on manifesting, yet I did manifest little things—the beggar corner developed an extremely high turnover rate.

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My focus was not on manifesting but on changing myself, unlearning reality and re-growing-up into my imagination. I accepted the re-

sponsibility for all the evil that happened during my life and rewrote everything. I became enamored and in-love with myself as imagination. I was astounded to find and know who I truly am! I emptied my mind of every useless and harmful belief and mood. “to console all who mourn,

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to strengthen those who mourn in Zion,

by giving them a turban, instead of ashes, oil symbolizing joy, instead of mourning, a garment symbolizing praise, instead of discouragement”

— Isa. 61.2–3.

The “mustard seed” had grown into a familiar “garden plant”, wherein I took comfort and refuge from the grief and empty outside world. My days were filled with happiness from tending to my inner garden when by every reason, my days should have been sad. November 2017, a year from my husband’s death, should have been depressing, yet every day my mood was lifted higher. By midNovember, my imagination was not yet fully a “tree”—the tree of 15

CHAPTER 4. GROWING THE MUSTARD SEED life—to shelter and provide for the “wild birds”—my desires—but real-world need came upon me. I had done my practice and rehearsed my weapon, and now, I was to put my imagination to the test when it mattered. My life in this world would depend upon the manifestation of my desire, would de-

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pend on the truth, the life, and the way of imagination.

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Would I live or would I die?

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5 The Spark of Potential I needed or would need money soon, so I aligned myself to manifesting a very specific income stream and wealth. Neville warns not to

condition desires: don’t “compromise” desire “by modifying it” nor “plan” and design “as to the fulfillment” (see Freedom for All chpt. 7 by N.G), yet I’ve found allowance for some planning.

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Desires may be rejected or accepted but never compromised. If I

accept a desire, I must not change it to be more realistic or achievable. e.g. If I desire to live with my husband in the body I imagined for him, then I must not settle to marry a man I know to be alive. I must not reason from the constraints of seeming impossibilities. If I compromise my desires, I expose my lack of faith. What about planning fulfillment or designing the means? If I am

at A, and I desire to be at C, then my intellect and reason jumps in and tries to conceive of B. The intellect demands to know ABC, yet imagination and faith require the omission of B. ABC is a closed-circuit—completed by the low-voltage, low-potential

ways of the world. If A is poverty, then B is extensive labor, and C is wealth. A-C is an open-circuit—to be completed by the highvoltage, high-potential ways of the infinite. If the potential energy 17

CHAPTER 5. THE SPARK OF POTENTIAL between A, physical poverty, and C, imaginary wealth, exceeds the threshold of the air gap, a spark occurs like lightning, completing the circuit. Likewise, if I am at A, and I desire to be at D, then I have the opencircuit A--D. Here I have a large air gap, a higher threshold to over-

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come. Though I must not close the circuit by conceiving of ABCD, I may plan and do B if C remains an air gap. B is like a lightning rod:

when the lightning strikes, it will strike the intended rod instead of elsewhere. If I desire to win a race, B is registering for the race, the

minimum qualification to be the winner. The AB of AB-D has an in-

creased potential on the physical side and lessens the air gap. So also I may plan and imagine E of AB-D(E) to increase the potential on

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the imaginative side. E is like increasing the energy of the coming storm: when the storm arrives, its higher energy will easier cross the air gap. If I desire to win a race, E is what I am imagining doing with my first place prize. I may do an F should I choose and so on. Thus, I may plan and design the means to the fulfillment of my de-

sire—provided I leave an air gap! The gap should be as small as possible, yet it must remain an air gap—an unplanned or inconceivable step essential to desire’s fulfillment. The implication of the imaginary scene fills the air gap and completes the circuit through faith, the faith that ecstatic lightning will strike the tree alive! The realness of the imaginary scene(s) creates the potential or intensity that invites the lord i am, the high-voltage of divine imagining, to shortcircuit my low-voltage life, altering the path of life. Like lightning, like arc welding, there’s no electric arc without po18

CHAPTER 5. THE SPARK OF POTENTIAL tential. When the circuit is closed, there’s no potential; no spark to weld the flesh to the spirit. I must have an open circuit. I raise the physical potential to abut the threshold and no further. Then I focus on the imaginary potential, the intensity of the feeling of wish-fulfilled, for it’s the imaginary potential that creeps back-

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wards from the future state, for the spirit of a thing seeks its fleshly expression, forming Neville’s “bridge of incidents” (see Faith lecture

by N.G), and when the imaginary potential contacts the physical po-

tential, the arc flashes, the current bursts forth, welding the flesh to the spirit, forging the “bridge of incidents” in reality.

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Flesh cannot forge the way. The way is forged in spirit.

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6 Warning Against Shortcuts “What technique did you use? What tips and tricks can you recommend? How can I skip practicing imagining?”

The Law of Attraction (LOA or the Law) mindset is theoretically

unrestricted but practically limited. There is no shortcut to manifest-

ing transformations of life and the world. Trinkets can be had but are

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trinkets, requiring little inner transformation.

Life and the world has come about and become entrenched in the

same way that the world and life must be undone and transformed, for when you were born, you discovered a physical body and grew up learning its ways, so to when you are re-born, you re-discover a spiritual body and re-grow up adopting new ways. “The Father’s kingdom is like a person who wanted to put someone powerful to death. While at home he drew his sword and thrust it into the wall to find out whether his hand would go in. Then he killed the powerful one” — The Gospel of Thomas v. 98.

Without the determination and persistence to first prepare and grow the “mustard seed”, identify oneself with the spiritual body, rehearse 20

CHAPTER 6. WARNING AGAINST SHORTCUTS the “sword”—the imagination—how can an attempt at a major lifechanging manifestation result in anything but failure? Put aside desire for things. Obtain the Kingdom of Heaven first!

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For then, “all these things will be given to you as well” (Matt. 6.33).

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7 Persist Against Doubt The power of an imaginary act lies within its implication (see The

Creator lecture by N.G): the broader the act, the more implications; the more specific the act, the fewer implications. Each implication contends against one’s worldview and beliefs.

The more conflict by implication, the harder the act is to believe;

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the less conflict by implication, the easier the act is to believe.

e.g. For the impoverished, receiving $5 is easier to believe than

receiving $50,000: $5 might come from charity; $50,000 doesn’t come except by luck and hard work. Any imaginary act implying the receipt of $50,000 directly conflicts those deeply held, demonstrated, and reasonably proven beliefs held by the impoverished. Imagination must conquer and tear down every conflicting and

thus false belief—the destruction of the City of Babylon in the Book of Revelations (chpt. 18). This happens naturally as one believes in the imaginary act with the utmost determination and unceasing persistence—for the “bride has made herself ready” and is “dressed in bright, clean, fine linen” (chpt. 19), which is the feeling of wishfulfilled. Cling to the feeling until the walls of Babylon fall. “Satan” and “the nations”, the Doubter and the intellect and evi22

CHAPTER 7. PERSIST AGAINST DOUBT dence, war against Christ and “the armies of Heaven”, the imagination and joyous feelings. Persist in imagining and believing, and “He will rule [the nations] with an iron rod” (chpt. 19). As the feeling of wish-fulfilled becomes mood, joy consumes doubt; imagination enslaves intellect; and desire-fulfilled consumes the evidence.

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The Doubter is imprisoned for a time yet not quite defeated— I designed a scene for myself that implied a specific occurrence

and my ownership of that occurrence wherein I discovered the hap-

pening and rejoiced in the result. My discovering involved the use of the sense of touch, which gave the scene a strong tone of reality. Though I couldn’t fall asleep imagining, I spent hours each day re-

hearsing my scene in imagination, lying in bed with a blindfold on.

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I experienced excitement, and after the excitement, I felt the feeling of wish-fulfilled, and repetition made the feeling into mood.

Intellect likes to say, You don’t qualify. If you don’t register for the

race, you cannot win. This is when I took minimum action in the physical world towards the fulfillment of my desire. That action was simple: I did the bare minimum needed to qualify. Such isn’t strictly necessary to do, but I didn’t want the added hurdle of qualification as yet another barrier to overcome. It was difficult enough as it was. Many times I revised my scene to incorporate the physical reality

of my desire-fulfilled as I discovered what such reality was like. If acceptance letters from a university use a specific font, the letter of my acceptance should appear in imagination in that same font. In the act of self-deception, imagination must imitate reality closely and accurately enough to avoid intellect’s claims of Counterfeit!, which break 23

CHAPTER 7. PERSIST AGAINST DOUBT immersion. It’s also worthwhile practice to imagine the details.

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I obtained the mood by persisting, then fell into a nefarious trap—

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8 1st Vision of Wealth On November 29, 2017, the twelf day from when I first took minimum action towards wealth, I experienced a vision at 5–6 p.m..

I was walking around my single level condo while hundred dollar bills

poured in from outside. The cash slipped in through every crevice, snow-

ing from the ceiling through fire sprinklers and light fixtures, piling in

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from the fireplace and beneath the entry door. I kicked around in the deepening cash like a child plays in a fresh Christmas morning snowfall. I was ecstatic and amazed.

Why did the wealth come through cracks? The maze of my mind

was built such to allow the bad things in and keep the good things out. Even with all my practice imagining, the only opening through my beliefs, both conscious and subconscious, for the lord i am to reach me, was like a solitary crack in a prison wall.

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9 Encounter with the Devourer

In the night of December 23, 2017, I dreamed I was playing craps in a casino located within a high school. With many black ($100) and yellow ($1,000) chips, I placed the largest bet ever seen and won!

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Then I was a bodiless observer watching a hooded man. That man

took my chips, my winnings, and cashed them at the cashier’s window for a substantial check in his name. He left the casino unsuspected. Back in body, I informed the casino supervisor about my black and

yellow chips, and she realized and lamented the truth with little explanation, but the man had been blessed, and she could do nothing. In the parking lot, I confronted and revealed the hooded man, who I

once knew as a close friend. He admitted to stealing my winnings. No longer did I want my winnings, so I begged him to confess to the

casino supervisor. I wanted witnessed acknowledgment that the stolen blessing was mine to avoid another mistake. He refused. The high school location symbolizes the educational intention of both the dream and any associated real-world happenings: i.e. I’m being taught a lesson by the Dreamer, by the lord i am. 26

CHAPTER 9. ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVOURER Me playing craps symbolizes my real-world bet, wagering my known life, that my imagination creates my known reality. What am I wagering? Black chips, which symbolize the burdensome facts of life. Yellow chips, which symbolize the intellect’s indisputable beliefs about life in this world.

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i.e. I’m betting my impoverished concept of self and my belief that truth must “conform to the external reality to which it relates” (see Out of This World lecture by N.G). My beliefs are worth more in the wager because beliefs are a foundation for the facts of life.

So I bet my life, the foolish, largest wager, never before seen, on

my imagination and won! What did I win? Money multiplied—my winnings, which symbolize the mood of desire fulfilled.

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A bodiless observer is spirit without flesh, winnings in chips not

winnings in cash, mood without incarnation, a ghost who sees yet cannot own nor possess.

The cashing-in of my winnings by the hooded man symbolizes in-

carnation, the spirit made flesh, the mood realized inside and outside, yet that incarnated thing went to another, to the hooded man, the thief—the Devourer.

No one suspected him because the flesh cannot see the spiritual

cause of all things. How can I prove that my spiritual labor, my bet on my imagination, produced the incarnated thing? How can a ghost claim ownership? What accusation of theft can stand when a genuine receipt is produced by the thief? The casino supervisor symbolizes the lord i am and my interaction with her links to the Biblical story of Isaac, Jacob, and Esau 27

CHAPTER 9. ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVOURER wherein Jacob deceives Isaac to receive Esau’s blessing. The blessing could not be revoked and re-given. “Can a person rob God? You indeed are robbing me, but you say, ‘How are we robbing you?’ In tithes and contributions! You are bound for judgment because

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you are robbing me—this whole nation is guilty.”

— Malachi 3.8–9.

The thief, the Devourer, was a close friend of mine, symbolic of a backstabbing, deceiving belief or set of beliefs. I desperately wanted

him to expose himself to the lord i am, so that he would be recog-

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nized in the event he tried to steal another blessing from me, so that mistake would not occur again, yet he refused. “’Bring the entire tithe into the storehouse so that there may be food in my temple. .... Then I will stop the [Devourer] from ruining your crops, and the vine will not lose its fruit before harvest’”

— Malachi 3.10–11.

The “tithe” and “contribution” due “God” is my life: the facts of life, my beliefs, and importantly, absent from my wager, sacrificing reactive action for faithful action, living from my imagined life, committing to the reality of my imagination, for I decide what is real. When an event occurs in life, a person naturally rearranges, reorganizes, and reorients their mind, thinking, reasoning, and desiring 28

CHAPTER 9. ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVOURER from the altered circumstances. This is reactive action, taking mental actions only when a physical change of circumstances occurs. If no physical change occurs, possibilities remain. Faithful action is reacting to the reality of wish fulfilled and imaginary events as though they had occurred physically. This involves a

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reorganization and reorientation of mind, thinking, reasoning, and desiring from the new imaginary circumstances—to commit to the

fact of the imaginary reality without waiting for manifestation to occur in the real world. No possibilities remain, for the change is.

In the dream, I became a bodiless, helpless observer to events be-

cause I had not owned or committed to the reality after the win.

Neville called this “living in the end”, “thinking from the end”, and

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“thinking from” not of, yet there is more to the concept, especially in the case of difficult desires like mine. I’m standing at A and desire to be at D. I cannot conceive of C until

I stand at B. Because when I truly stand at B, I look upon the world differently than I did at A. This is why going from A to Z quickly is nearly impossible: e.g. poverty (A) to multi-millionaire (Z). Such involves walking the vanishing stairway of moods of wish-fulfilled that each imply their ancestor, built like a chain of events. Importantly, faithful action involves a cessation of the old desire

and the problems that desire-fulfilled is to resolve. It’s a form of taking complete ownership, incorporating fully the imaginary events into one’s concept of self, acually moving in mind. To repeat a scene to the point of frustration and madly search for signs in the physical world is an indication of lacking faithful action, 29

CHAPTER 9. ENCOUNTER WITH THE DEVOURER

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of thinking of, not from, of withholding commitment.

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10 Volunteer Others In the night of December 29, 2017, I dreamed I met a young woman,

who was compelled to prostitute herself to survive. She was enslaved to her pimp. She said she didn’t want to be a whore, but she had to sell herself out to survive in her world.

I said, “Then volunteer others to prostitute for you.”

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The young woman symbolizes the soul of generic man, who has

become a whore, given herself away in adultery to every idol and worldly power and authority.1

The pimp symbolizes the way of living the soul believes is neces-

sary to survive in the world. The pimp is like a religious man who says, “No work? No food! Go hungry and starve!” He takes his “rightful” share and leaves his workers with scraps. He is the belief in merit and demerit, in earning, use, worth, morals, and law. My response in the dream references what Neville means when

he says the world’s a play: use one’s imagination to obtain, and as many others as needed will play their roles as necessary to fulfill one’s imaginary act. They are prostituting themselves on my behalf. “Surely people go through life as mere ghosts. 1

see the gnostic text Exegesis on the Soul, which embodies the theme.

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CHAPTER 10. VOLUNTEER OTHERS Surely they accumulate worthless wealth without knowing who will eventually haul it away” — Ps. 39.6. As Neville says of the population, “All these are phantoms—yourself

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pushed out” (see Self in Self and Risen lecture by N.G). To volunteer implies consent, so who gives the consent? I do, for the others I’m volunteering on my behalf are simply myself—asleep, they are animated patterns or ideas, ghosts that have their life in me.

“to the one who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy, but to the sinner, he gives the task of

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amassing wealth—to give it to the one who pleases God” — Eccles. 2.26.

The souls that sleep, the ones who reject Christ the imagination, the sinners have the task of prostituting on behalf of those souls who have awoken, who have discovered themselves and volunteer others to satisfy Caesar’s world’s demands on their behalf. “It is vain for you to rise early, come home late, and work so hard for your food. Yes, he provides for his beloved even when he sleeps” — Ps. 127.2.

The ways of the pimp, the ways of the world, are utter foolishness to the lord i am and his beloved. The pimp sees the hard worker in 32

CHAPTER 10. VOLUNTEER OTHERS flesh as righteous, yet the lord i am sees the same hard worker as lazy, having abandoned the field of imagination to nature and chaos. the lord i am’s beloved is the true hard worker, the one who has tamed her imagination and reaps her bountiful harvest even while she sleeps. Who labors in my nights? Who recognizes the labor?

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“I sent you to reap what you did not work for; others

have labored and you have entered into [the fruits of]

— John 4.38.

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their labor.”

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11 Living Beyond the End Around January 1st of 2018, I deciphered the meaning of my prior

dreams and changed my imagining. My encounter with Satan—the

Devourer—was a shock. I was doing everything right, even having

the vision of wealth as if to confirm, yet the scripture is right: “Satan will be released from his prison and will go out to deceive” (Rev.

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20.7–8). I defeated Satan as the Doubter, but I had not defeated Satan as the Devourer, as the one who deceives. I was focused on the end, yet I still desired that end. The Devourer

plays a game of deferral: the thing is always coming soon yet never arrives. If my desire was fulfilled here and now, I would be looking at what’s next! It’s not enough to obtain the mood of wish-fulfilled: I must stand upon the mood to truly own it. While a donut remains in my hands, I am excited and anticipate

eating it, yet anyone can pass by and take the donut from me, but if I should eat the donut, no one can take it, for that donut has become a part of me. So too while I hold the mood of wish-fulfilled in my hands, the Devourer can and will steal it, but should I stand upon the mood, it becomes part of me. What lesson can the foot teach the inflated head? When walk34

CHAPTER 11. LIVING BEYOND THE END ing up a staircase, does the foot focus on the current step supporting one’s weight? Or past steps? No! The foot points forward and anticipates and prepares for the step to come. So too I must put my weight on the mood I obtained and anticipate and prepare the next mood. I must do the hardest thing: Let go of my desire and wish—transfer

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my weight onto the mood. Imagination is not a hammer. I couldn’t will my desire into phys-

ical existence. Force leads to frustration and failure. To attempt to force fulfillment, to even look for fulfillment, is proof of not being

already fulfilled. The imagination is a pet dragon, who I’ve trained to do my will. If I’m always rehearsing the dragon inside, he never gets the opportunity to do my will outside. I have to trust him to do

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outside what I trained him to do. So I say, “Release the dragon!”

I dropped everything related to my scene and set my focus to think

from already having obtained my wealth: I’m wealthy now, so what was I to do? Why did I want wealth in the first place? To live debt free, to live on monthly income without working, to enjoy my possessions, to make the powers and authorities serve me, and so I would put their ways to shame in my unearned rejoicing. Then I experienced a distinct and incredible mental shift, as though

I had torn myself loose of a mold I didn’t realize I was stuck within. My body walks a stairway of physical event upon physical event. My imagination walks a stairway of spiritual event upon spiritual event. I was enslaved to the mood of physical events; now, I have torn myself loose and cling to the mood of spiritual events. I was no longer deceived. Satan—the Devourer—was defeated: 35

CHAPTER 11. LIVING BEYOND THE END I had moved. My second scene, the new one, derived from my vision of wealth: I was kicking around in the accumulated cash, and one-by-one, my creditors knocked on my door. I answered and shoveled money into their outstretched hands. I saw and heard each one, all smiles, say, “Thank you,

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Mr. Ayyar. We will credit this payment to your account immediately.” After, they were all paid. I rejoiced in being debt free amidst piles of cash. The second scene implies that I had wealth enough to pay off my

debts and then some. Just because I am wealthy doesn’t mean that

my wealth outnumbers my debts. In that way, the implication of the second scene helps further define and shape the mood of the first scene. If I ask, where did this wealth come from? I remember the reality

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of my first scene, the mood, wherein I obtained my wealth.

Then I imagined the second scene until I obtained the mood of

being both wealthy and debt free. So everything relating to obtaining wealth was finished. So everything relating to becoming debt free was finished. I could no longer think of debts without remembering the finished reality, the mood, of my second scene. Oh man, the guest toilet is leaking. The ventilation fans are dying,

and the noise is driving me crazy. The rubber washing machine hoses are questionable. The water heater has served its life. The carpet is stained and awful. The refrigerator is older than I am. The designer paint colors and coverage is a joke. Every surface, appliance, utility, and fixture needs replacing—and in the physical world, my bank says I cannot afford to do any of the needed replacement. If I am wealthy, if I am debt free, surely I can afford to remodel my 36

CHAPTER 11. LIVING BEYOND THE END home! Must I wait for the physical wealth to manifest? Must I live in the What if? fear of malfunctioning appliances and hot water floods? No! If I am wealthy, as I feel I am, I would walk on new carpet. So I created a third scene to resolve my fears of my home deteriorating. My third scene was simple: I walked around my home, seeing and

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touching the replaced things and surfaces: I saw the new paint and colors—or lack thereof! I walked on the new carpet, feeling it between my toes. I checked the year on the water heater: 2018. I felt the steel handles on the new bi-fold closet doors. With my feet, I felt the warmth of radiantly-heated tile in the bathroom. I placed my hand flat against the cool quartz countertop. I opened the new freezer drawer. etc.

The third scene implies that my home was remodeled, which omits

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a lot of things. Who was the contractor? I couldn’t say. How much did it cost? I couldn’t say. How did I afford it? I remember that I’m wealthy and debt free, and from my mood, I see plenty of money in my bank account leftover. Thus, I built mood upon mood upon mood and now live three steps ahead of physical reality. How much money did I want? I couldn’t say, but an old desire

awoke in me, stirred by recent events: In five years, I desired to live in a downtown high-rise condo with a view. So I found some interior photographs of places for sale online. All of these properties were well beyond my reasonably conceivable price range. I entered into the interior photographs in my imagination. I walked

around these super luxurious condos, touching the surfaces as though I owned the place. I slept in the bed with my husband, and I woke to the glorious midday view. I imagined scenes of myself and my husband living 37

CHAPTER 11. LIVING BEYOND THE END there. I gave brief tours to my friends and family, showing off my new lifestyle. I looked out upon the city and felt my ownership of it all. Though I didn’t realize at the time, I was further defining and clarifying what exactly I desired in my desire for wealth. I had accidentally added a branch to my chain of scenes. The condo would cost a

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few million dollars, and my scenes of ownership implied that I had indeed afforded the expenses. I was giving feeling to the numbers, and that feeling exceeded the numbers I had envisioned for myself. (See chapter 16 on page 58 for more explanation).

I do what brings me joy, and I do what I am compelled to do, and

what I cannot do yet, I imagine doing and believe I have done, for in

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this is the day of rest.

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12 2nd Vision of Wealth On January 19, 2018, the 50th day after my first vision of wealth,

at 5–6 p.m., down to the same hour, I experienced a series of three visions1 , the second of which regarded my desire for wealth.

Jesus Christ was laughing; I was the Christ who was laughing. A sap-

phire held in my left hand, which I had created in a prior vision of the

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“power of the age to come”, then I imagined holding a ruby in my right,

and it was done. I multiplied the ruby and sapphire, imagining lots, all the time laughing at the nonsense lack and limitation adopted by the world and believed by them to be the ultimate truth. A man appeared with an empty cart. He begged me for a ruby, and I

filled his cart with one giant gem. His eyes lit up with delight! He said a hasty thanks! Then wandered off with his gem into the night, where I knew he would be besieged by robbers and thieves. Valuables of every kind, precious to mankind, poured like rain from

above, gemstones and metals and the coins of every authority. Bills fluttered through the air, falling upon me like a snowfall. The cash, gemstones, and bars of precious metals piled up, clinking, and so I was ankle1

(1) I was being nailed to a cross; it didn’t hurt. (3) I was the groom at my wedding; the lord i am gave my husband to me like a father gives away his daughter in marriage; this was a doubled vision.

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CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH deep in the world’s riches enjoying and laughing at it all. Me being the laughing Christ is a repeat of oneness from another vision, wherein Christ said to me, “Were I not crucified upon you, you would move your hand, and it would not move.” All this relates to a quote from The Second Discourse of Great Seth: “I was on high,

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poking fun at all the excesses of the rulers and the fruit of their error and conceit. I was laughing at their ignorance.”

The sapphire in my left hand completes an interrupted manifesta-

tion (the vision ended) from a previous vision, wherein I tasted of

the power to instantly manifest, yet the sapphire was forming in my right hand, not my left—this detail has symbolic significance.

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“Look! I have set before you today life and prosperity on the one hand [right hand], and death and disaster on the other [left hand] .... Therefore choose life so that you and your descendants may live!” — Deut. 30.15, 19.

The sapphire (blue) symbolizes my left-hand power, the power of man, religion and science, the ways of the flesh and intellect. Manifestation interrupted, flesh divorced from spirit, the left-hand power is the divider who creates lack, loss, decay, and death—ever weaving the veil, the body (of conscious and subconscious beliefs), to filter in physical reality and out imagination, dividing Earth from Heaven. How so? Desire is the calling of the spirit of a thing for its flesh; therein lie the patterns of separation. Among mankind, one who perceives the spirit of a thing desires its flesh. Thus, lacks. Who having 40

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH the flesh of a thing desires its spirit? So without possession of the spirit of a thing, its flesh may be lost or stolen. Decay is a pattern that corrupts the spirit in its becoming flesh. Flesh returns to dust; the spirit returns/remains in Christ the imagination. The ruby (red) symbolizes my right-hand power, the power of

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Christ, the human imagination, the way of life and love. Instant manifestation, spirit made flesh, the right-hand power tears the veil sewn

by the left-hand power, restoring the spirit and its flesh to oneness, breaking the patterns of separation to reveal the eternal abundance of all, for this power underlies everything.

“For nothing is hidden that will not be revealed, and

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nothing concealed that will not be made known and brought to light”

— Luke 8.17.

The flesh of life, the incarnation, reveals the body (of beliefs), the hidden things of the conscious mind, the concealed things of the subconscious mind—that only faith in the oneness of desire can override, knowing that to desire is to have, to possess the spirit is to have the flesh. This is the pre-existing reality of all things. How could a newborn have life in this world were he not in sub-

conscious possession of the spirits of this world? None are born into this world; all are born with the world. Growing-up is simply the making-conscious of the subconscious. All are called to “First clean the inside of the cup, so that the outside may become clean 41

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH too” (Matt. 23.26)—to transform the world we are born with into the Heaven we desire, which occurs by manifesting desires. The right-hand power is the only power—though while operating in the deepest reaches of the subconscious mind—there seem to be other authorities and powers—until the lord i am wakes!

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In my life, my favorite color was blue, but now it’s red. Blue things have inexplicably broken only for me to replace them with alike red things. Blue symbolizes cold intellectualism. Red symbolizes fiery emotion. The world prizes intellect, yet feeling is the true superior, for who can take his possessions into sleep?

What worth is a ruby to men? Worthless now that I can dupli-

cate as many as I want. Their treasures have their worth and value by

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scarcity. What use are their economic theories against infinite abun-

dance? Their taxes and courts, trading and exchange, arguments and reason, oh how the lord i am laughs at their volumes of foolish wisdom! Who shall lament the passing of trade but the man of guile? “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money”

— Matt. 6.24.

Money and trade is founded upon lack. It’s a quintessential left-hand power. The man with the cart in my vision symbolizes humanity’s love and service of money, of earning, worth, and merit. Man wants to have among the have nots. He wants to gloat, “I’m a hard worker; 42

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH you’re lazy. I earned my money; you leech off others.” He doesn’t want to change his thinking, and most certainly doesn’t want to surrender to his imagination as the source of his reality. To accept the infinite abundance of the right-hand power is to reject the ways of society, of the world all organized around lack, loss,

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decay, and death. Thus, one cannot serve the left-hand power and the right-hand power—“money” and “God”.

The accumulation of wealth around me in the vision is a doubling,

a repeat of what occurred in my first vision of wealth. The giver of the vision, the lord i am, has repeated the contents to inform me

that the lord i am has established the matter at hand and will soon bring the wealth I desired into my reality (see Gen. 41.32).

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The timing of my two visions of wealth, separated by 50 days, refer

to the arrival of the Holy Spirit—the ending of the age of death. “in the last days .... I will pour out my Spirit .... your sons and your daughters will prophesy ... your young men will see visions ... your old men will dream dreams“ — Acts 2.17.

To prophesy is to proclaim revelations of truth from the lord i am. This has nothing to do with man’s concept of prophecy: “a little nonsense called fortune telling” (see Prophetic Sketches lecture by N.G). This chronicle itself is founded upon extensive personal revelations I have received from the lord i am and recorded in poetic form. “I will perform wonders in the sky above ... miraculous signs on the earth below” 43

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH — Acts 2.19. The “wonders in the sky” occur in the imagination. Neville recorded many of his amazing visions in his written works. I recorded some of mine herein and in poetry. I’ve seen too many and the wonders I’ve seen elude capture and re-expression.

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The “miraculous signs” occur in the physical world. These are

manifestations, sometimes instant; synchronicities, meaningful coincidences; dreams and visions that reveal information prior to con-

scious discovery; and the world directly and immediately reflecting thoughts or moods.

“The sun will be changed to darkness and the moon to

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blood .... before the great and glorious day of the Lord comes”

— Acts 2.20.

The lights of the flesh (the sun and moon) are dark compared to the light of imagination. The physical world appears like death in contrast to life in imagination. Undesirable, unacceptable, the outside world craves one’s innocent blood like a vampire. Peace and security are found only in imagination, for the man of Spirit takes refuge in the lord i am, seeing not what seems but what must be as though it already is and has come to be.

“the day of the Lord will come in the same way as a thief in the night. Now when they are saying, “There is peace and security,” then sudden destruction comes on them” 44

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH — 1 Thess. 5.2–3. The “day of the Lord” is the “Judgment”—the making-flesh of all the hidden things of man’s conscious and subconscious mind. To those who rejoice in the ways of this world, who delight in the light of the sun and the moon, the judgment is destruction, out-picturing their

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secret unloving thoughts and intentions and untamed evil imaginations. Man reaps what he sows yet doesn’t know wherein he sowed. “then everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved”

— Acts 2.21.

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Yet to the man of Spirit, who lives by imagination, the “day of the

Lord” is the restoration of Zion, the manifestation of the renewed imagination, the salvation of the man once in need, the death of the world of death and the reveal of the world of life. “Protect me, O God, for I have taken shelter in you. I say to the Lord, “You are the Lord, my only source of well-being” — Ps. 16.1–2.

Creditors loom and Caesar wants his due! Yet I turn from them and board up the windows of my house, for my life is hidden in imagination, and that is where I dwell, among the eternal images of the ideal life, where joy such as I’ve never known possesses me. All I see outside is death and despair, a world that moves on uncaring, stomping 45

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH the innocent and guilty alike into dust. So I’ve set my eyes and hands firmly upon the glory that is mine in the imaginative life. “As for God’s chosen people who are in the land, and the leading officials I admired so much— they desire other gods.

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their troubles multiply; I will not pour out drink offerings of blood to their gods, nor will I make vows in the name of their gods”

— Ps. 16.3–4.

The religious people call upon worthless idols—their gods come in the flesh, whom they worship and praise yet receive no help in re-

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turn. They think, If I work hard, then money will love me. They offer their blood in working for scraps, and fight for these scraps among themselves, saying, “Don’t feed the lazy!” They are dogs mastered by death, sworn to obey the ways of the flesh and commit to the world of death as the sole reality.

I will see death by my own hand before I work to survive. No!

I do not acknowledge their facts. I reject their morals and creeds and their justice masquerading as love. I reject their beliefs and all their truths. I mock their powerless gods and nonsense ways. Their wisdom is before me as poison that I will not drink. I see the lord i am as the only reality worth committing to, the only one who brings true life, the only savior and true friend. “Lord, you give me stability and prosperity; you make my future secure. 46

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH It is as if I have been given fertile fields or received a beautiful tract of land” — Ps. 16.5–6. When I was a dog, I piled up scraps, working for income that ended September 2017. I live off what I have left, which declines every

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month. The sum shouldn’t have lasted this long. I’ve splurged un-

der the lord i am’s compulsion and otherwise more than reason can tolerate. Yet my bills are paid and my debts are serviced.

I’m in no danger lest I look to reason’s future. I live in this rest,

alone with no friends, yet the wealth and prosperity I feel yet do not

see is my “future secure”. the lord i am is my inheritance. He’s my

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tract of land. I’ve planted in imagination every good seed, and I wait for the time of my harvest. I will not turn back. The phantom future has no root, for I’ve planted only gains. “I will praise the Lord who guides me; yes, during the night I reflect and learn” — Ps. 16.7.

I listen to my dreams, being both the Dreamer and the interpreter. Not all dreams are instruction, but the dreams that are, which stick to the mind like a muddy pearl, to be mulled over days and cleared of confusion, these dreams I learn from, some of which are written herein. These are not vain moral instructions but how to live the true life! How to exercise the power and wisdom that is my birthright! When I sleep, how I hope to receive that night a package from the lord i am—the one who labors in my nights for me. 47

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH “I constantly trust in the Lord; because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. So my heart rejoices and I am happy; My life is safe“

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— Ps. 16.8.

Once I was uncontrolled and driven to and fro by chaotic moods

and thoughts. Despair and grief were my friends. Then I turned to my imagination, and I turned again and again. When grief struck, I turned. When depression took hold, I turned. When I cried, I turned and imagined my tears kissed away. When disappointment

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reared, I turned. Always I turned and turned, and I turned again.

Now, I see only what I love, and I remember what is. My mood

soars in laughter, and I wonder if I can still feel sadness, which feels so far away. Where is my inner critic? He has been transformed. Who can understand the wonder of 24/7 positive thoughts!? How can reason’s negative prophecies from the evidence of the physical world come true? They all fall away before my irrational happiness. “You will not abandon me to Sheol; you will not allow your faithful follower to see the Pit” — Ps. 16.10.

The mysteries of creation, of life are mine to ponder. I see how what has come to be has come to be, and so I have changed my future, set 48

CHAPTER 12. 2ND VISION OF WEALTH my security in the lord i am. How can I experience more suffering? How can I go to a bodily death? All that I’ve taught me I’ve done. “Will I nullify my wisdom? Will I make naught my mysteries and revelations?” The doubter sits in his corner with a small voice and smug face. Oh he’s so certain of my ruin, but I cannot feel him!

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I’m drowned in the wine of happiness! “You lead me in the path of life;

I experience absolute joy in your presence; you always give me sheer delight”

— Ps. 16.11.

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I laugh for no discernible reason. I sing words I cannot understand. I speak as a child smothered in the deepest love. I rejoice in the knowledge, once mere hope, that life is so much greater than all the world taught, all that I learned! How can I be happy? Oh I’m happier than I’ve ever been! This joy of mine consumes me. I’m drunk without drink. I enjoy my possessions! Oh what perfect days! Still the “day of the Lord” I await! What more joy is mine!?

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13 Babysitting Three days after my second vision of wealth, on January 23, 2018,

this night I dreamed I babysat two boys for eight days at their rich parents’ home. These boys were rowdy and didn’t much like me nor appreciate any kind of direction from me.

When their parents returned in the evening of the eighth day, the mother

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spoke with me. She asked how much I wanted for compensation. I paused before asking for $805.00.

The mother called the father into the room, and they discussed my

compensation. Then they began laughing. The mother said, “You do not deserve anything,” and forced me out of their house unpaid. Outside, people were arriving for a party, and I was wandering the

yard loudly complaining about the parents’ greed and evil actions. One man came before me and listened to my story compassionately. He believed me and thought my requested compensation was reasonable. He said to me, “Wait here,” and proceeded inside the rich parents’

house to collect payment on my behalf.

Then I woke to Wait! repeating in my mind. Babysitting herein is a metaphor for my process of transforming

my life by imagination, involving persistent and repetitive imagining 50

CHAPTER 13. BABYSITTING to create the mood that I already possess what I desire. I spent many hours each day doing so. The babysitting was 24/7, no breaks, representing how I slept in the mood and lived awake in the mood of wish-fulfilled every day, thinking and acting from the mood. The two boys are my desires: One is wealth. The other is love

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restored. Their rowdiness symbolizes the difficulty I had in maintaining and living in the mood of wish-fulfilled. Despair and grief would come upon me, and I had to fight to the death to return to the feeling of wish-fulfilled. Every victory made bouncing back easier.

It’s not that the boys didn’t like me; they didn’t like what was in-

side of me. They didn’t like my intellect, my reason, the part of me

that said and believed they were phantoms, unreal and could never

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be.1 It is pure horror to the intellect that everything is real!

They did not like taking direction from me for those reasons. This

symbolizes the difficulty I had in keeping my awareness focused on imagination instead of physical reality, turning my back to all unloving things, focusing on problems-resolved rather than everything-ison-fire! I honor the unseen reality with my attention. The rich parents’ home represents the state of wealth (see Many

Mansions lecture by N.G), which is the state of having abundant material things. Notice that this home is owned. It is guarded by the rich parents, who symbolize the spiritual powers and authorities that rule this world. I cannot have the state without their approval. Eight days is a symbol of resurrection, of new life, of a new world

1

Jung met Elijah and Salome inside himself and struggled to accept their reality. See The Red Book pg. 185 by C.G. Jung.

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CHAPTER 13. BABYSITTING (see Be Imitators of God lecture by N.G). In the dream, the eighth day represents the day of payment, the end of the work, the expectation of reward—this is a way of man’s left-hand power. The mother is representative of the false mother: Jesus said, “Whoever does not hate father and mother

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as I do cannot be a disciple of me, and whoever does not love father and mother as I do cannot be a disciple of me. For my mother gave me falsehood, but my true mother gave me life”

—Gospel of Thomas v. 101.

The false mother is of the flesh, raises her young in the world’s ways,

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teaches them to love what causes death. She is not evil; she is ignorant of the true life of imagination and feeling. In $805.00, the eight symbolizes resurrection, and for weeks I

puzzled over the five, which represents the physical senses. Combined, 805 symbolizes the resurrection of the physical senses. I was asking the powers and authorities for the making-flesh of my desires as compensation for my imaginal “babysitting” work. Ejecting me without pay exposes the character and nature of the

powers and authorities. They are backstabbers, liars, arbitrary hypocrites, and altogether evil. They proclaim, “The hard worker gets rich,” yet when reward comes due, they give that worker scraps and keep the rest as profit for themselves. “We encounter the visible things of creation, and we say that they are mighty and worthy and the hidden 52

CHAPTER 13. BABYSITTING things are weak and insignificant. It is not so with the visible things of truth. They are weak and insignificant, but the hidden things are mighty and worthy” — The Gospel of Phillip.

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The mother’s words, “You don’t deserve anything” symbolize the rejection of the imaginal act. The world, the powers and authorities,

do not recognize imagination as being anything. They cannot perceive spirit. My mental and spiritual hard work is but laziness to them—not deserving of anything but scorn and scoffing.

The people arriving for the party symbolize the persons living in

the favor of the powers and authorities of the world. All of these

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people ignored me, except for one—the double agent—the protean Holy Spirit, who is and serves the highest. “Evil forces serve the saints, for they have been blinded by the Holy Spirit into thinking they are helping their own people when they really are helping the saints” — The Gospel of Phillip.

That double agent is herein seen as the man who believed me. He believed me because he is the Holy Spirit and recognizes the reality of the imaginal act. He goes inside to collect payment on my behalf by deceiving the powers and authorities into helping me, into making my desires my flesh and blood reality. I was instructed to wait, to rest in my high mood and do nothing.

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14 The Man Named Victor Seven days after the babysitting dream, on January 31, 2018, I dreamed I was calling-out the absurd and destructive ways of the world in a school gym, wherein groups of people were gathered. There a strong man, belonging to authority, grabbed my arm and wouldn’t let me go. I knew his name was Victor.

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The gym represents the world, and the groups of people represent

various factions: the religious, the secular, the powers and authorities, the holy ones, etc. The strong man belongs to authority, but that authority is not of the world but of the Spirit, the highest authority. The Victor would not let me go. That can be understood as victory has grasped me and will not let me go. I was to wait or rest in victory for the coming of the 8th day.

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15 The Inner Man Restored Around 11:30 p.m. on February 7, 2018 running into the 8th , after watching a movie, I felt strange as though a vision was incoming but slipped into a drunken-like, trance-like mental state instead without any alcohol or substances.

For two hours, lying on the floor, I couldn’t help but sing in a

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made-up language and laugh like an insane person. It was a beautiful laughter without discernible cause. The laughter was reignited at times by random musing over the ways of the world: the hypocrisy

of people, the vanity of religion, the absurdity of economics, and the nonsense of reason—the intellect pretending to be god. “The master put it very well: ’Some have gone into heaven’s king-

dom laughing, and they have come out laughing’” (Gospel of Phillip). Neville Goddard references the following passage from “Psalms” in his lecture Persistent Assumption regarding a similar sort of laughter experienced by an acquaintance: “When the Lord restored the well-being of Zion, we thought we were dreaming. At that time we laughed loudly and shouted for joy. 55

CHAPTER 15. THE INNER MAN RESTORED At that time the nations said, “The Lord has done great things for these people.” The Lord did indeed did great things for us. We were happy”

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— Ps. 126.1–3. I now understand this event to be the restoration of my inner man. It was the inner man who was laughing and rejoicing in the restora-

tion of his fortunes and well-being, which since I have felt as my ever-heightening mood. I’m extremely happy and joyous despite the threats from the evidence of the physical senses.

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Jesus said, “For many of the first will be last and will become a single one”

— The Gospel of Thomas v. 4.

The outer man is first born and shall be the last restored. The inner man is last born and shall be first restored. With the inner man “Zion” restored, the passage continues, regarding the restoration of the outer man “the nations”:

“O Lord, restore our well-being, just as the streams in the arid south are replenished. Those who shed tears as they plant will shout for joy when they reap the harvest. The one who weeps as he walks along, carrying his bag of seed, 56

CHAPTER 15. THE INNER MAN RESTORED will certainly come in with a shout of joy, carrying his sheaves of grain” — Ps. 126.4–6. The restoration of the inner man is non-physical like a dream (“we

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thought we were dreaming”), but at the restoration of the outer man, the outer man carries “the harvest”, “his sheaves of grain,” which is

the physical manifestation of the restoration of the inner man. So I await the restoration of the outer man—the in-flesh manifestation of

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my desires—the out-pictured reflection of these incredible feelings.

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16 Decide the End On February 14th , 2018, I had a revelation that I was making a mis-

take: I left the end of my desire ambiguous between two choices and both combined. I was afraid to commit and miss opportunity.

e.g. Unsure whether I want a car painted blue or red or both.

The ambiguity didn’t affect the restoration of the inner man be-

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cause in this instance the matter did not contribute to the mood of wish-fulfilled for the inner man.

e.g. The mood of having a new car need not necessarily involve a

paint color nor realistic definition.

However, in physical reality, one thing or the other or both hap-

pen, so among three paths, one is taken and others are left behind. e.g. A car in the physical world must have a paint color, not no-

color; realistic definition is required.

For my mood to become physical reality, I had to further define

the end. Having undefined, infinite wealth and riches satisfies the inner man, yet the outer man needs the definition of physical reality—wherever that definition alters the mood: e.g. Having a net worth of £500k is a vastly different mood from having £54,000k. 58

CHAPTER 16. DECIDE THE END Definition that alters the mood is subjective to the outer man yet decided by the inner man. Everything not consciously defined and imagined will be left up to the lord i am to decide in the implication of realness, such as the means and how? i.e. The implied realness of an imaginary scene fills in the missing details.

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e.g. Paint color is irrelevant to the mood if I don’t care about my car’s color. The mood of having a new car implies the reality of such,

and reality cannot be no-color, so a color, implied by the realness, is somehow chosen in the manifestation.

When the matter in question affects the mood, ambiguity may in-

dicate fear. I didn’t want to choose because I wanted to leave options for manifestation. I didn’t want to choose wrong and miss opportu-

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nity. Yet the lord i am gave me the choice. No one was going to choose for me. What do I want? e.g. I care about the color of my car; I would be unhappy with a

yellow car. Thus, the paint color shapes the mood. Yet I can’t choose between a red or blue painted car. Each has advantages and disadvantages. The lord i am is waiting upon me to choose, for there is no other to delegate the choice to. What do I want? When the matter in question doesn’t affect the mood, ambiguity

is irrelevant and the matter is left undecided, typically unthought of, to be decided in its manifestation by the implied reality of the scene. e.g. I don’t care about the tires on my car; I only care that my car

has tires, which is implied. The type of tire, the formulation of the rubber, the tread pattern, all of this is irrelevant to the mood of my having a new car, so it’s decided by the reality-implied. 59

CHAPTER 16. DECIDE THE END Feeling and emotion regarding a matter is indication of its subjective importance. Any matters that have such substance will need to be decided and defined in the imaginary scene and thus become a part of the mood of wish-fulfilled. e.g. A car enthusiast does care about the tires on her car. She won’t

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be happy with stock tires, so she must choose the tires she wants in her imaginary scene. Any ambiguity must be resolved by her, as she is the lord i am, and no other exists to decide on her behalf.

Not every detail matters, just the important ones distinguished

by force of feeling. It’s that force of feeling driving a matter that con-

tributes to the overall mood obtained from an imaginary scene. Spu-

rious details, though helping with the realness-feeling of a scene, the

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self-deception, don’t affect the mood, and the mood is what truly matters, not the forms that were used to create the mood. The end may also be decided implicitly in a chain or tree of scenes,

which further clarify and shape the mood of wish-fulfilled from the original or root scene. Quantifications (numbers) in the original scene may indicate a lack of definition in feeling. Wherever a quantification is specified, the feeling linked to the number will override the quantification in the manifestation. e.g. If I imagine an original scene where my bank account has

$5 million, this means little. $5 million is concrete in reality yet illdefined in feeling. So I derive another scene where I am living in my newly purchased penthouse condo. The scene of living there implies sufficient wealth to afford the penthouse and thereby clarifies the feeling of “$5 million” and further defines the desired end. 60

CHAPTER 16. DECIDE THE END So I resolved my ambiguity by committing to one choice both in my inward and outward actions. I decided the end I desired, altered my mood by imagining, and persisted in living from that mood of

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my wish-fulfilled.

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17 Squatting in Satan’s House On March 14, 2018, I dreamed a dream, herein Dream No. 2, that in-

verts and relates to a previously unrecorded dream, herein Dream No. 1, I dreamed back in November or December 2017.

Dream No. 2: Playing a real estate broker, I dreamed of my brother

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and I moving out of a client’s newly purchased home to our own condo. My client was upset that we were living in their house and wanted us out! We carried my ancient refrigerator to my brother’s

truck outside, but a swarm of wasps attacked us, causing us to leave the refrigerator on the street. I ran down the street, looking back to see my brother fighting the wasps, trying to move the refrigerator. Then I woke.

Dream No. 1: In another dream, some months prior, my brother and I were moving into a luxury condo, but the seller had left behind bags of random things, even valuables not necessarily junk or trash, worth sorting through. I felt insecure, like intruding upon an occupied home, as if I didn’t belong there, though I had closed on the condo as the buyer and buyer’s broker. My brother had the opposite feelings. 62

CHAPTER 17. SQUATTING IN SATAN’S HOUSE This is a doubling of dreams regarding a change of state: Dream No. 1 regards my entrance into the new state—abundance and luxury—a new attitude of life that seems foreign and like unobtainable fantasy yet already is, for the deal is closed. Dream No. 2 regards my exit from the old state—impoverishment

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and squatting—my move from the dying reality of poverty to the incarnation of my prepared abundance in physical reality.

The order of the dreams fulfills scripture: “The first shall be last;

the last shall be first” (Matt. 20.16); Jacob first then Esau; mood then flesh; inner man then outer.

“’What are your disciples like?’ Jesus said, ’They are like children living in a field that is not theirs. When

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the owners of the field come, they will say, “Give our field back to us.” They take off their clothes in front of them in order to give it back to them, and they return their field to them.’”

— The Gospel of Thomas v. 21.

The previous owner of the house, Satan, didn’t mind squatters: Anyone could enjoy the state of poverty and the consequential life of impoverishment. The new owner of the house, my client, the lord i am, won’t allow squatting, for the lord i am purchased the house to rid it of poverty and dwell therein—purchased the fleshly reality to transform it. I brokered the deal between Satan and the lord i am. Thus, I’m the driving force behind the change of ownership and subsequent events; all because I had a desire for wealth. 63

CHAPTER 17. SQUATTING IN SATAN’S HOUSE The ancient refrigerator symbolizes the mental contents of the state of poverty. It’s these contents that dragged the house down into poverty. The refrigerator works, but it’s neither effective nor efficient, and it attracts the wasps, who prey on the poor to serve their queens, who are the institutions and powers and authorities of the

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world. Who devised late fees? They sting those who struggle. In Dream No. 1, the things left behind by the seller symbolize the

physical contents of the state of abundance. It’s these contents that are the physical evidence of dwelling in the mental state. They are

incarnated desires to be sorted through and chosen, what to keep, what to discard. They belong not to the seller but to the state.

Thus, Dream No. 2, as a doubled dream, serves to confirm: (1) My

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desires are soon to be fleshly reality, for I’m inevitably moving from a life of poverty to a life of abundance. (2) I have stripped myself, the inner man, and abandoned the attitudes and mental processes, the clothes of poverty. (3) Dream No. 1 was divine instruction that I followed and completed: I chose what to keep and what to discard.

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18 The Extreme Test As of this writing, April 8, 2018, there is absolutely zero physical evi-

dence of my desires coming into being in physical reality. Many signs have led the drama and created amazing educational opportunities,

which have led to many revelations, but signs are not the manifesta-

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tion of wish-fulfilled, just mere reminders to Persist!

“You will be put to the test by the depths of your own Being, for He is a protean Being .... He will wear my face, and mock your beliefs and tell you there is no god! .... He is a protean Being. He can assume anything, any form, and play the part necessary to put you, the sent, to the extreme test”

— Self in Self and Risen lecture by N.G.

I’ve experienced in vision the “birth from above” and David calling me “Father”, and I know I am the lord i am. I remember being like a snake for the spiral ascent into Zion, and a dove of light has recently appeared and landed upon me in unrelated imaginary scenes. The last one is what Neville would call an “adumbration”. 65

CHAPTER 18. THE EXTREME TEST I’ve consciously woken up inside my skull, my body seemingly made of concrete. I’ve recorded many revelations unveiling the mysteries of life and scripture. All of my religious and moral beliefs have been demolished, especially the idea of historical, in-flesh saviors. I’ve experienced other worlds in my imagination, and I’ve witnessed

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purposeful and accidental manifestations of many things. Yet, despite all this, despite my inner transformation, despite the

doubled visions and dreams, all the promises, the revelations, the

physical world refuses to transform my worrisome circumstances and situation. I’ve felt reality contracting like a woman in labor, yet it remains unchanged! I wake up from sleep and wonder where I am because physical reality doesn’t look like how I feel!

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My hands and feet are bound. I’m forbidden to work to survive. I

will not turn back. All I can do is live from my mood of wish-fulfilled unto the threat of ruin and death.

“You’ll have it! But don’t despair; you will come out of it, for the Depth of your own Being is doing it. So, the Depth of your own Being will put you to the test. He is the Dreamer-in-you, the very One that put Job – the story of Job, where he went through hell, and came out in the end”

— Self in Self and Risen lecture by N.G.

So I note the signs and forget them, and I focus on living from my high mood, turning to wisdom and the enjoyment of my possessions, soaking in the pleasure from the lord i am in what I do. 66

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19 The “Quack!” of I AM In the night of April 12th , 2018, the morning of the 13th , I dreamed I was handling two animals to move them from one place to another. The first animal was a tiger cub, whose fur was soft and body warm and fragile yet weighty like a small cat. The second animal was a gray duckling

who, before I could hold it, puffed up and gave a “Quack!” so thunderous

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both Heaven and Earth shook, and I woke. As I was waking, I felt myself traveling through a transitional space between worlds, and the sound

was heard even there; with such intensity, shaking, and ferocity, I was convinced the sound was real.

The “tiger cub” symbolizes the physical body and the ways of the

flesh. When grown, the tiger commands his territory. His teeth are for tearing. His claws are for slashing. His mind is cunning and worldly wise. He rules the land by mental and physical force. “I tell you the truth, unless you turn around and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven!” — Matt. 18.3. 67

CHAPTER 19. THE “QUACK!” OF I AM Here in the dream the tiger is a cub—playful, harmless, and innocent—to show that I have become like a child. The “gray duckling” symbolizes the spiritual body and the ways of the spirit. It’s innocent and harmless and seemingly powerless and like a helpless child. It’s strength is hidden.

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My moving the two animals is symbolic of the forces of the world, the powers and authorities, which usher both body and spirit from event to event. Since I have rejected them in body, the forces pick up my body—the tiger cub—and place me wherever they determine, for I cannot resist them in body. Yet when they approach my spiritual body, they cannot even grasp me.

Their intentions were to move me into the loss of everything, into

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absolute ruin and death, so I rebelled in the only way I could, by employing my seemingly useless imaginative power—the “quack!”. “Now he [the Lord] has promised, ’I will once more shake not

only the earth but heaven too’” (Heb. 12.26), for on the “Day of the Lord”, “the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a shout of command, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God” (1 Thess. 4.16).

Does the “Day of the Lord” come like a “thief in the night” (1

Thess. 5.2)? Or does the “Day of the Lord” come with the trumpet blast? “You, brothers and sisters, are not in the darkness for the day to overtake you like a thief would” (1 Thess. 5.7–8). My conclusion from all this is the manifestation of my wealth is imminent. I hope within days or a week. Yet that immediacy is not on my timeline. The day has arrived, yet how many of my days is that 68

CHAPTER 19. THE “QUACK!” OF I AM single day? What is the length of morning to evening? “a single day is like a thousand years with the Lord and a thousand years are like a single day. The Lord is not slow concerning his promise, as some regard slowness,

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but is being patient toward you”

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— 2 Pet. 3.8–9.

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20 No Rest among the Ants In the night of April 13th , 2018, the morning of the 14th , I dreamed of being with a man who I’d never met before—the lord i am.

We were in a house from my real-life past and in sleeping bags on the

floor in the living room. I nuzzled his neck, and I wanted to rest my head on his chest; he didn’t object.

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Then I saw ants crawling on the carpet. We moved to my past bedroom

to sleep on the floor there, thinking there would be no ants. Ants were coming in from beneath the trim, and when I banged my

fist on the trim, many, many ants emerged. I decided we should go to my home.

I’ve had many dreams of “being with“ a strange man and rarely a

strange woman. All of these encounters were filled with warmth, caring, longing and a deep loving connection, oftentimes sexual. Now, behind all the faces, even those of my husband and past loves, I clearly recognize the lord i am.

The “house from my real-life past” symbolizes my old state of be-

ing poverty and slavery—all the ways of the world taught me in my upbringing—everything I thought true before my imagination awoke as me. The “sleeping bags on the floor” represent that we don’t be70

CHAPTER 20. NO REST AMONG THE ANTS long there. We did not have beds. We were not truly living there. We were visiting or squatting. I wanted to rest and be intimate with my lover, the lord i am, but there’s nothing restful or loving about having ants crawling near and along our bodies. We moved into “my past bedroom”, reasoning

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that only part of the house was infested, but the whole house was infested! We could not rest among the ants, so we found no rest. “Foxes have dens and the birds in the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head”

— Lk 9.58.

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The ants belong to the house! They are the concerns, worries, and

stresses caused by living the ways of the world. No beliefs from the old life can be salvaged. The whole thing is infested. The memories, the people, the relations, every thought and belief. I flee from the house naked, leaving even my shoes and clothes to burn! The dream also indicates that my concept of self had changed. The

whole world rests among the ants, and the whole world is overrun in their sleep, having grown used to the ants crawling on their skin. Since I had become unlike the world, I could no longer find a place

to rest among the infestation. No longer could I tolerate the ants that used to crawl along my skin while I slept. Nor could I subject my wonderful lover to such misery. Maggots are for the dead! We had to leave in search of my home, the place of my rest.

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21 The Bullet Train to Life On April 16, 2018, I dreamed I was traveling to San Francisco on a

strange bullet train, that carries people and cargo and can travel steep

hills. The train was moving so fast I told the conductor that there was

no way they were going to slow down in time to make their cargo drop, which I could see ahead. Yet they slowed and made the drop.

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Then I was in a passenger area sitting next to my husband, who was

dead, an inanimate corpse. I was crying profusely and very upset—my sobs drowning out the labor screams of a pregnant woman nearby. That woman gave birth to a child on the train. Then my husband was suddenly alive beside me. We cuddled snugly,

and he told me that he would never leave me. San Francisco (hereafter “the City”) symbolizes my home state

of being, the place where I can rest. It’s the outer manifestation of the inner Zion—my desires fulfilled in the physical world. The City is a symbolic witness and celebration to my imaginary wealth and same-sex imaginary relationship with my husband. The “bullet train” represents my journey from desire to fulfillment. I’m traveling from a state of unfulfillable-desiring to the state of desiremanifested. The strangeness of the train indicates the non-linear, 72

CHAPTER 21. THE BULLET TRAIN TO LIFE semi-chaotic, and unpredictable, untimeable, irrational course of my journey. Truly, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line made of curves and spirals and ups and downs and loops interspersed among cross-dimensional wormholes. My concern that the train couldn’t “slow down in time” relates to

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signs in the physical world. The signs fashion a seeming, delusive timeline for manifestation. I was deluded by my understanding of physics and applying them to the bullet train. So too I’ve been repeatedly deluded by my linear mind applied to the signs.

h Signs are mere reminders to Persist! Persist! Persist! h

The “cargo” the train was carrying was clay for the potter (see Isa-

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iah 64.8), my mood of wish-fulfilled, or in Neville’s terms, my mood

as “impressions” for the “subconscious” to “out-picture” (see Feeling Is the Secret by N.G). The clay was dropped off at the edge of the City, before I arrived in the City. How else would I find what I desire in the City were it not prepared and created there first? I left my old home naked, taking along only the naked corpse of

my husband. We had acquired clothes along the way. For I was clothed in my mood of wish-fulfilled, and he was clothed also in my mood of wish-fulfilled. I was like a child whose favorite toy broke, and that child brings the toy to his father and says, “Dada, fix!” My husband says, “I will never leave you.” That is the lord i am

speaking. Back when my husband told me that before he died, that was also the lord i am speaking, but back then I mistook the idea, the person for the being, so I thought he was forever gone. 73

CHAPTER 21. THE BULLET TRAIN TO LIFE People are merely animated ideas until they either die or wake as their own being. When a person dies, the idea of them dies but the being carries on, becoming another idea, another person. The dead have their lives in-potential as ideas left as seeds among the memories of the living, for only the living can raise the dead.

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Neville claims to have met those who have died (see Truth, the Word of God lecture by N.G). I don’t deny his claim, only the interpretation. The being is not the person—the asleep person ceases to

exist, yet the undifferentiated, unindividualized being goes on to become another person. When Neville met those who died, he met the ideas made alive, by his own being, from the seeds in his memory.

The corpse of my husband symbolizes the idea of his person—his

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seed left in my memories. I love the idea of him so much that I’ve taken to him as to myself. As I’ve purified myself, I’ve purified him, and as I’ve eliminated my faults, I’ve eliminated his, and as I’ve per-

fected myself, I’ve likewise perfected him. Yet he remains a corpse, a lifeless idea, in need of my life, in need of my being. The “labor screams” and “my sobs” are the same. I am me in the

flesh, yet the “pregnant woman” is also me, as the life-giving spirit. We appear as two in the dream because flesh (me) and spirit (the woman) seem to be separate. I had impregnated myself with new life in the spirit, and when that life was given, symbolized by the child’s birth, I and my husband were restored to life together. To create by imagination is to move to the destination before the

destination has come into being, for it’s the moving that brings the destination into being—that is the expression of faith.

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22 The Potter in the Veil The night of April 18, 2018, I woke up, at 10:30 a.m. on the 19th , I was disappointed that I had no dreams, so I fell asleep and had dreams lost to memory. Yet I remember that I was dreaming while in-

terpreting those dreams in real-time like a mystical narrator. I had many relevant dreams, but I forgot the details. I remember seeing, like peek-

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ing behind a curtain, through the dreams to a potter at his wheel shaping clay to fit a mold cast of steel.

The Dreamer and the Interpreter are one and the same, the lord

i am. This dream makes that abundantly clear, for the Dreamer was dreaming and the Interpreter was interpreting at the same time. Is the dream the manifestation of the meaning? Or is the meaning distilled from the dream? Why do I always divide the one into two? Are not the left and right sides both of the same object? Look

behind the filmstrip to the Father Potter at his wheel, spinning the clay into shape to conform to the steel cast—the end desired. Neville says the Father reveals the beginning, my desire for wealth,

and the end, my desire for wealth manifested. He claims the Father never reveals the middle, the “plan of unfoldment” (see Freedom for All chpt. 7 by N.G). Maybe this is true of “the Law”, and maybe that 75

CHAPTER 22. THE POTTER IN THE VEIL is also true from the world’s perspective, but I am the Father, the lord i am—should I not be privy to my own plans and ways? I realized the significance behind my dreaming in connection with this particular dream(s). My dreams and visions are not merely instruction to myself; they are the hands of the Father shaping the clay.

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Whether remembered or not, the dream and vision is real action taken to make the unformed into the formed.

h The Father’s creative acts are my dreams. h

The “extreme test” (see explanation on page 65) is not actually a

test. From the bodily perspective, it seems like a test. It seems like the lord i am is waiting for me to pass, to satisfy some measure of

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faith or persistence before he’ll magically make my wish-fulfilled my reality. He’s just biding his time, right? Wrong! Every dream herein recorded, and those I don’t remember, are the

actions the lord i am takes to fulfill my desires. For instance, the Babysitting Dream (see dream on page 50) was action(s) taken by the lord i am necessary for the manifestation of my desire. Without that dream, my desire could never become my reality! I was not told to Wait! for the sake of waiting. I was told to Wait!

because my body, my conscious mind could do nothing. Every time I’ve slept since, the lord i am has been active, working in my nights to make my wish-fulfilled my inner and outer reality. Why do my dreams have meaning? Because dreams are the actions of the lord i am, and when action is taken, an observer asks: Why did he do that? For what purpose? To understand the meaning of 76

CHAPTER 22. THE POTTER IN THE VEIL my dreams is to understand the intentions and doings of the lord i am. To remember my dreams is to witness the lord i am doing the actual creative work, executing the “plan of unfoldment”. The plan was not hidden from me, yet I didn’t perceive it! The lord i am acts through imagination in dreams to make my

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wish-fulfilled my inner and outer reality, and I am called upon to consciously act through imagination. The lord i am is aware of every obstacle to manifestation, and in my nights, he acts and dreams the dreams necessary to overcome those obstacles, yet he does so through the same power of imagination he has given me.

I wield imagination and accomplish manifestation by faith. The lord i am wields imagination and simply accomplishes.

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It’s true; the master knows his tool.

Has the Dreamer taken my conscious imagining and mood of wish-

fulfilled as the root scene? He has he planted it like a seed in his mind? What are my dreams but the feathering and shaping of the sprout? He’s growing the tree of my desire from inside out? What is every dream but a growing and honing of the mood? Is not my mood the clay in the potter’s hands? Is feeling not the

substance that fills the steel cast? So the Dreamer uses the dream forms in imagination to define and clarify the mood. How can the vessel hold its shape when its substance is misshapen? Steel rusts and rock erodes, for the shape of their substance de-

cays. But if the substance inside is perfect, the vessel holds its shape.

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23 To Whom Do I Turn? April 19, 2018 was a day I’d like to omit, but for the sake of com-

pleteness, this day was one of the ever-rarer days of mourning and melancholy. The inner happiness and ecstasy I’ve enjoyed withdrew from my reach, leaving me stranded on the lies of my senses.

What remained? Disappointment, frustration, and anger. Every

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day that passes without manifestation is another day closer to disaster—another day closer to death’s victory over me. For if death wins, all this chronicle is null and void, and every mystical revelation, vision, and dream is vanity. Life would be a pointless torture, a hopeless exercise wherein death is the only savior and deliverer. The man born into life envies the men who’ve passed into death.

No friends, no family, no trusted anyone, alone in this bag of bones.

No one to comfort me. No one to listen to my thoughts. Who could even understand? No joy in doing. No pleasure in sensation. Left stranded in the tomb men call “life” in this world just waiting to die, to end the curse of opening my eyes.

So I lay down to listen to music and close my eyes. I revisited my imaginary scenes and felt nothing. Why am I being tested? I’m tired of this test! Have I not been faithful!? Have I not done everything asked of 78

CHAPTER 23. TO WHOM DO I TURN? me? I cannot deny the life I’ve found within. I’ll deny the world and its so-called “life”, but my dreams, my visions, my imaginary life is the true life, that which I cannot deny. “You have scrutinized my inner motives; you have examined me during the night.

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You have carefully evaluated me, but you find no sin. I am determined I will say nothing sinful. As for the actions of people— just as you have commanded,

I have not followed in the footsteps of violent men. I carefully obey your commands;

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I do not deviate from them.

I call to you for you will answer me, O God. Listen to me!

Hear what I say!

Accomplish awesome, faithful deeds,

you who powerfully deliver those who look to you for protection from their enemies. Protect me as you would protect the pupil of your

eye!

Hide me in the shadow of your wings! Protect me from the wicked men who attack me, my enemies who crowd around me for the kill. They are calloused; they speak arrogantly. They attack me, now they surround me; 79

CHAPTER 23. TO WHOM DO I TURN? they intend to throw me to the ground” — Ps. 17.3–11. Why so long delayed? Heaven and Earth shake yet nothing changes. I cannot stand the darkness. Why expose me to the coldness? Why with-

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draw the joy from my heart? Oh how I’d rather die now than live without! I’ve tasted of the ecstatic singularity inside. Take all of me in!

Unable to do anything else, I drank a beer and lay down to cry.

I couldn’t cry over lack of money. What good is money without a

husband to share it with? Even the most beautiful scene in life is

worthless without a hand to hold! If I couldn’t manifest money to save myself from poverty, how could I hope to have my husband? So

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I cried until I couldn’t cry any longer.

Comforting feelings returned and I fell asleep in my imaginary life

scenes. I dreamed many comforting dreams and dreams that reassured me that all I had imagined was done and imminently coming into physical being. How I wished to stay asleep!

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24 The Father Plays a Thief On April 20, 2018, I dreamed this night of stealing from two powerful institutions.

The first institution was a small company whose offices were located

off a gravel road along the shores of Keechelus Lake. This was up-road

from strange and luxurious rock-perch homes built into the bluffs over-

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looking the lake. I visited these homes and found inside governmentstamped plaques, meaning the homes were government sanctioned and maintained for those so approved. The small company offices were in a strangely large multi-story build-

ing. A female employee had died, and me and my unknown companions used her death as pretense to snoop the place and steal books and documents. It was akin to rifling through a small library. We left with our loot, but I somehow left my backpack behind. A lady confronted me about us having rifled through everything, so

my identity was exposed going back to retrieve my backpack, but they were powerless to detain me, dependent on authorities far away. The rock-perch homes, which are located in the mountains, represent the state of wealth and independence. The plaques indicate that access to the state of wealth is controlled by the powers and au81

CHAPTER 24. THE FATHER PLAYS A THIEF thorities. What person can own land without paying property taxes? How can I own the state without approval from the guardians? Money is that stamp of approval. How to get money? In the dream, I’m a rebel, one of a band of rebels living in the mountainous desert, which represents my real-life situation in refus-

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ing to live by the ways and means of this world. The company offices are likewise in the mountainous middle-of-nowhere, which symbolizes the lightly guarded archive of information—the truth—found

in the inner desert. We were there to steal information, “books and documents”—the secrets of life.

These secret archives are guarded by laws, guilt, and fear. The em-

ployees are likewise governed by those three. There was a death of

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a female employee. The female who died was my submissive, passive self, the one enslaved to the powers and authorities, laws and morals—the one who would keep me from trespassing the door of the archives. Yet it was her death that created the opportunity for the rebellious me, the lord i am, to sneak in and steal the truth. Over the years, I’ve had many dreams of leaving a backpack or bag

behind, and when I returned for it, I was captured and imprisoned or was shot and died.1 The switch in the power dynamic here shows how much I’ve changed. The powers and authorities once had limitless power over me, but now they are powerless before me, unable to even detain me. I am a rebel to be reckoned with and feared.

1

See The Gospel of Truth v. 29. Such nightmares arise from and expose one’s ignorance of the Father. The nightmare shapes the moods of poverty and loss.

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CHAPTER 24. THE FATHER PLAYS A THIEF The second institution was a large and powerful university. I was posing as a student beside an actual student. I don’t know what we stole, but security and the authorities were hunting for us with fervor. After losing them among the crowds in the buildings, I casually walked through the guarded crime scene and into free-

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dom. I took an elevator into the parking garage, moved a heavy object halfway into the elevator, and climbed over an electrified gate, which wasn’t operational, encircling the dumpster and utility area.

My red jacket tore, and a scrap landed amongst a pile of autumn leaves. No one would be able to identify me from it, so I left the place.

Education is the heart and stronghold of the powers and author-

ities, whether teaching in science or in religion. It’s all falsehood.

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Who deceives the scientist into the drought of materialism? Into a self-concept of mere flesh and bone? Who deceives the spiritual

seeker into surrendering their individuality for so-called enlightenment? These are the workings of the same ignorance! Only the false light is without self, without I! Their materialism is

a self without its self. Their enlightenment is its self without a self. the lord i am laughs at their absurdities! I appeared to the students and faculty as a student. Yet I was a

thief—the protean Holy Spirit entering the house to collect payment from the powers and authorities on my behalf (see babysitting dream on page 50). I was here fulfilling the promise I made to myself in the Babysitting Dream. Not only am I fulfilling the promise, but I am proving the interpretation I made regarding the significant characters in that dream. For here I am as the Holy Spirit, disguised as a 83

CHAPTER 24. THE FATHER PLAYS A THIEF student, playing the role of a thief, to obtain my compensation from the powers and authorities that mocked me. “Jesus tricked everyone, for he did not appear as he was, but he appeared so that he could be seen. He appeared to everyone. He appeared to the great as great; to the

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small as small, to the angels as an angel, and to humans as a human. For this reason his word [intention] was hidden from everyone”

— The Gospel of Phillip.

What did I steal? I was like a baccarat player at a casino. To everyone,

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I appeared to be just another player like everyone else, but I knew the order of the cards in the shoe. No matter how many decks or how they shuffled or what they did. I always knew the forthcoming cards. I had stolen a cheating mechanism to win, yet not a cheat that would be recognized as such by any law or authority in the physical realm—to them, my cheat looks like the mere favor of chance. The powers and authorities sought me with fervor because they

understand that if they don’t recover the spirit of what I stole, they will have no justification to seize me in the physical realm. I obtained from them the spiritual causation underlying the forthcoming manifestation of my desire for wealth.

Losing their pursuit in the crowds symbolizes beating them at their

own game. I could have simply turned invisible, yet I played by their rules and won legitimately. Then I employed my protean being, appearing as a guard to the guards, as an authority to the authorities, 84

CHAPTER 24. THE FATHER PLAYS A THIEF and walked through the crime scene unsuspected. In the dream, I was nervous and not fully aware that I was not appearing like myself, unfamiliar with this newfound capability. The elevator is a descent from spirit, the above, into the flesh, the below. My blocking the elevator was symbolic to show that my spiri-

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tual enemies and “crimes” cannot pursue me down into the flesh: i.e. my theft in spirit cannot be prosecuted in the flesh. Though I stole in spirit; I can produce a legitimate physical receipt.

The electric fence symbolizes the deadly force the powers and au-

thorities use to guard their strongholds in the physical world. Why wasn’t the fence operational? To show that the spirit bypasses and

circumvents the physical obstacles and barriers. What is done spiri-

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tually forges for itself a physical way through matter.

When I crossed the threshold of the stronghold, jumping the fence,

a red shred was torn from my jacket. This symbolizes a spilling of blood, an outpouring of life, for life and its power had gone forth, making what was dead alive, what was sick healthy (see parable in Luke 8.40–48, emph. v. 44; also Lev. 17.11). The autumn leaves, the dead leaves, fallen off the tree of life—upon

my dead desire for wealth was the blood of life spilled. “Your basic desires are words of promise or prophecies that contain within themselves the plan and power of expression” (Freedom for All chpt. 7 by N.G). For my desire for wealth is no longer a desire but a living being like a child, brought to life as my “word” (Isa. 55.11) to fulfill itself by itself on my account. “These are the people made after the image, who ac85

CHAPTER 24. THE FATHER PLAYS A THIEF complish things through their strength and bring forth children through rest”

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— The Gospel of Phillip.

Who is made after the image? The one who has become imagination, who has put on the image like clothes. What is that person’s

strength? The “sign of the Father”, the ability to accomplish—“move-

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ment and rest” (The Gospel of Thomas), for “The Father is at rest in will” (The Gospel of Truth) and begets children through his rest.

It is the Father, the lord i am, who brings forth children through

rest, for the Father gives independent life to desire so that that desire may execute its fulfillment. For the red scrap is also a sign, the afterbirth—proof new life has been born. Yet from the afterbirth, who can answer, “Who is the father? Who made this event?” Thus, my identity was safe, and I departed from the place of con-

ception, the place of causation of the soon-to-happen events in the physical world. I had conceived a secret child.

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CHAPTER 24. THE FATHER PLAYS A THIEF

The First Institution — Rehearsing the Sword The desire for the state of wealth, luxury, and independence.

2

Discovery of the obstacles, the guards who would keep me out.

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Journey into “the desert” for secret knowledge of life!

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Voluntary death to the ways of the world within me.

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Death used to unlock and reveal the guarded secrets of life.

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Revealed by the authorities as one more powerful than they.

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1

The Second Institution — Killing the Powerful One

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Intention to obtain the state of wealth by stronghold theft.

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Application of my power as the lord i am to appear as I wish.

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The spiritual theft is committed—the intention is carried-out.

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Mocking their power by escaping them on their level.

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Using my powers to truly escape their grasp.

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Taking the spirit of the stolen thing into the world of flesh.

7

So all events for manifestation came into potential being.

8

My “word”, intention, is given life in flesh to fulfill itself. 87

CHAPTER 24. THE FATHER PLAYS A THIEF The entire plan, all the plot, is executed in spirit before the “word”, the living desire, is even born, given life for itself to fulfill itself. The most profound thing is the descent of the spirit! the lord i am has taken the spirit of the thing in his returning. “I go and make ready a place for you, I will come again be too”

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and take you to be with me, so that where I am you may

— John 14.3.

In that return, that descent, the events for manifestation come into

potential being, awaiting the spark of ecstatic lightning. It’s the creep-

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ing backward of the imaginary potential, which forms the “bridge of

events” (see chapter 5 on page 17). The descent is the New Jerusalem emerging out of Heaven (see Rev. 21.10). “Look ! I am coming soon, and my reward is with me to pay each one according to what he has done!” — Rev. 22.12.

The reward is the spirit of the thing hoped for, which is blessed with life, and having life, the spirit of the reward fulfills itself, and so the physical reward comes into being, having been given life by the tree of life, who is Christ, the lord i am.

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25 Murder on the Mountain On April 21, 2018, eight days from the duck dream, I dreamed I was playing quarter slots in a mob casino. I won big!

The mob boss thought I had cheated, as the odds of my win were nearly

impossible, but their investigation revealed my win was legitimate, so of

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$5,837.00 in quarters, I received a check for a clean $5,000.00.

Afterward, two goons trailed me whilst also tailing others. Over some

days, these goons got injured severely in altercations with others, including a bus driver who they tried to shakedown. They were dying on a hill beside a road when I encountered them. I picked up a large stone from the ground and hurled it at the goons. The stone smashed one guy in the chest, killing them both. The “mob casino” stands in contrast to the “high school casino”

from my previous dream wherein I encountered the Devourer (see dream on page 26). The prior dream (hereafter “Devourer Dream”) was a practice run, a rehearsal designed to teach me a lesson. The current dream symbolizes the real deal, the actual performance before an audience, with high stakes and failure leading to disaster—don’t cross the mob if I value my life. 89

CHAPTER 25. MURDER ON THE MOUNTAIN The “quarter slots” symbolize a little, almost token wager, thrown away in semi-automatic routine. But the quarter is not necessarily twenty five cents; it’s symbolic for money itself, revealing the drastic devaluation of money in my mind, which has occurred over the months. If I am wealthy, what’s twenty five cents to me? Here I

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lack emotional investment in the wager, unlike the Devourer Dream, where my life was the bet. I’m playing the game, yet I am absent from involvement—uninvested emotionally.

So I won like in the Devourer Dream, yet here the “mob boss”,

who represents the powers and authorities, suspected me of cheating. I won against the odds, against enormous odds, so much that an

“investigation” was warranted. This symbolizes not merely the odds

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of the game, but the odds of the game plus the validation of the imag-

inary act and related synchronicities. Who can believe that I caused this win? It’s my proof that imagination creates reality. My prize was $5,837, which was split in two payment forms:

I received $5,000 by check in my name and the remaining $837 in quarters. Unlike in the Devourer Dream, I owned my winnings, my payment, my reward. The check fulfills my demand for payment from the Babysitting Dream (see dream on page 50). The $5,000 symbolizes the resurrection/fulfillment of my desire for wealth. 805, from the Babysitting Dream, is the how to—note placement of the digit—5,837 is the how it became.

If I follow the pattern, applying it to the $837 in quarters, I get

800, 30, and 7. 800 means resurrection (8) from the Babysitting Dream. 30 refers to Judas selling-out Jesus for thirty pieces of silver 90

CHAPTER 25. MURDER ON THE MOUNTAIN (Matt. 26.15)—those thirty pieces of silver are my sufferings, the price I paid, the old life I laid down to buy my field of imagination, the lord i am (see The Story of Judas lecture by N.G); also 3 is related to the crucifixion, the suffering on the cross, my body. 7 refers to keeping the Sabbath rest, the waiting during which I dreamed

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many dreams and wrote this chronicle. “So the Lord restored what Job had lost” .... “Think of how we regard as blessed those who have endured. You have heard of Job’s endurance and you have seen the

Lord’s purpose, that the Lord is full of compassion and

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mercy”

— Job 42.10 and James 5.11.

The resurrection (800) restores the sacrifice (30) and completes the day of rest (7). So 3 and 7 is 10, and the tenth is the tithe brought into the storehouse (see Mal. 3.10), so the tithe (1) and the dead physical senses (5) are brought into the resurrection (8). The resurrection incorporates itself, so all that remains is the 5,000, the alive senses, the restored physical life—the manifestation of my desire for wealth—satisfaction. The goons are the beasts, both first and second, of the Book of

Revelations (see Rev. 13). The first beast is the conviction in the sole reality of the physical world. The second beast is the “second cause” that is the delusional proof the first beast is correct. They once ruled my world and everyone and everything within. 91

CHAPTER 25. MURDER ON THE MOUNTAIN Because I had changed so much, my inner world is shown reflecting that transformation by countering and injuring the goons, depriving the beasts of their once powerful hold. I no longer accept their lies as the truth; neither does my inner world, and so the world turned against them, leaving them with no place.

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The “bus driver” represents a going forward; my world proceeding into the future. The beasts are not being taken along. Their goonish ways are left for dead.

“In the future the Lord’s Temple Mount will be the most important mountain of all;

it will be more prominent than other hills.

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People will stream to it”

— Micah 4.1.

The “road” symbolizes my journey, even this chronicle—the narrow inward way to the city on the holy mountain. The “hill” of my dream is more like a mountain, for the goons cannot climb any further in pursuit of me. High on that road is where I found the large stone. What kind of stone is this?

“Stones are the literal facts of life” (His Name lecture by N.G). The

stone I found is the manifestation of my desire for wealth. My desire had become physical fact, had become a stone. With this fact, this stone, I killed the first goon (beast), and because the second goon depends on the first, the second goon also died.

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26 The Shifty Lover On April 29th , 2018, I was upset over the wait for physical fulfillment, yet I was angry that nightly dreams I had come to love and enjoy had withdrawn from me.

Lord, i am, why do withdraw from me? The world around me is

all death, leading nowhere but death. You know I will not live a return

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to suffering! Why do you test me? Why do you let my bank account lie? Why do you lets the debts and my needs accumulate? Where is my heart? Why do you withhold everything wonderful? Have I not been faithful? Have I not persisted in your ways? Have I

worked even one hour to ensure my continued survival? Or have I surrendered my life in complete? Not one penny has come, and not one penny will come by a slave’s toil. I sought and found my every need and want within you! I’ve rid my hands of the world’s slavery and set my hands in the joy of my greatest possession—you! Financial disaster surrounds me, yet I spend much of my time writing

books that I won’t sell. I turn away from the world and enjoy the hobbies and things that you’ve assigned to bring me joy. I spend considerable time in imagination, reminding myself of my true life in you—that my life is not what seems on the outside. 93

CHAPTER 26. THE SHIFTY LOVER Has not failure surrounded me on every front, yet I turn away to focus on you? Have I not interpreted your words in truth? Oh how I know that my interpretations are true! And the signs deceit! Yet now not only have you left my slave body unfulfilled but you have withdrawn my food! What wrong have I done? I am innocent!

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For seven nights, you left me alone on my bed, without a dream, without comfort! How often you came to me as a lover in the night when

I didn’t want you! How many forms of men did you take on to reach me? You dragged me into your bed through the guys I once loved! Why won’t you reside in mine beside me? You cradled me in grief, but now that you’re my utmost desire, why do you shy away!?

How I envy those in you who have died! How much longer must I

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bear the lying world? Their nonsense is a thorn in my side. Don’t you

know that you’re my life!? Without you I have nothing! Take all of me in! Leave nothing of me in the outer darkness! Don’t you know that I am in love? I cannot hold myself in restraint.

Oh how you redeem names stolen by the darkness! What lovely forms I see! Oh how blessed am I to have two husbands! One of the day; one of the night; and two as one in the eternal light! “[The soul] no longer went around the marketplace having sex with whomever she desired, but she stayed and waited for [her husband], saying ’When will he come?’ .... She no longer remembered from the time she fell from her Father’s house. Yet, by the Father’s will, she dreamed of him like a woman who loves a man.” — Exegesis on the Soul 94

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27 Day Joins Night In the night of May 2nd , 2018, I dreamed I was fully-clothed and living in a new luxurious condo on the upper floor. Someone had just moved into the condo below me. A strange trapdoor had opened in my floor and the ceiling below, linking my upper condo to the lower condo. All my stuff

was somehow falling through this trapdoor into the lower condo, and I

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was trying to push it back up from below and seal the hole.

I met the new occupant, a lady my age and her young daughter, who

were going to sleep soon. The lady was clearly attracted to me, and we instantly got along like ages-old friends. Her daughter was lying down eyes closed, and the lady asked, “Do you think she’s asleep?” Then her daughter opened her eyes.

I was very apologetic for the trap door, but she said she had no right to

stop me from coming into her unit. I told her that I’m the most beautiful man in the universe, inside and out, but I didn’t have the opportunity to mention that I’m gay. I managed to stop-up the trapdoor, and then left to approach the problem from the top side. Then I was half naked, wearing only a shirt, in the mid-floor lobby. I took the stairs that led to my unit, and I encountered authorities searching the upstairs units. They were searching my unit as I approached—but 95

CHAPTER 27. DAY JOINS NIGHT it wasn’t my unit; the door plaque was K203, not K303—somehow a floor lower than mine, though we were already on the top floor. I don’t know what they were looking for. Being “fully-clothed” symbolizes wearing my imagination as my body. The “luxurious condo” represents the state of wealth, and the

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“upper floor” location symbolizes Heaven. So here I am as Christ, living in the mansion (see Jn 14.2–4) of wealth in Heaven.

The “someone” who “moved into the condo below me” was also

me from the Squatting Dream (see chapter 17 on page 62), though here I appear as a single woman having a daughter. Notice the above condo is aligned to the below condo:

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“When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner like the outer and the outer like the inner, and the upper like the lower ... then you will enter” — The Gospel of Thomas v. 22.

I made my inner imagination from the outer world, and I committed to the already-reality of my inner world as my outer world, and so I imagined the upper condo into existence over the vacant lower condo. The lower condo was vacant because I was not physically occupying the state of wealth. I was spiritually occupying the state of wealth, the upper condo. Now the two are becoming one. “’Test me in this matter,’ says the Lord ... ’to see if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out blessing for you until there is no room for it all’” 96

CHAPTER 27. DAY JOINS NIGHT — Mal. 3.10. The dream fulfills the scripture, for the “trapdoor” is the “windows of heaven”, and “my stuff ” is the “blessing”. The blessing, the things of wealth, were overflowing out of Heaven, the upper condo, down to Earth, the lower condo. I’m trying to stop this because I’m attached

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to the way things are, unable to completely let go. I couldn’t let go because I couldn’t identify who I was surrendering to.

Mistakenly, I thought the lord i am was testing me, testing my faith, and thus my belief that I was being tested kept me from receiving the blessing. i.e. I refused to receive my blessing because I believed I hadn’t yet passed a test of faith. There never was a test!

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The time of waiting is simply the time it takes in this world. A child

is nine months from conception to birth. Every night a pregnant woman sleeps, the lord i am is active within her, bringing her child to life by dream after dream. Dreams are the creative acts of the lord i am. In my every night, the lord i am has been working towards making my desires into my mental and physical reality. I’ve accused the lord i am of needless delay, yet the lord i

am has been laboring every time I sleep, yet I couldn’t recognize his labor and provision on my behalf! I couldn’t recognize my dreams as the imaginary acts they are! Don’t I see the mystery? I tell my lover during the day what I wish, and when night comes, my lover goes out and brings it forth from within my depths. We create together. The “lady” in my dream is a symbol of my soul. She once was a whore and had many sick and dying children. Yet she turned from that world, and from among her many children, she took the one 97

CHAPTER 27. DAY JOINS NIGHT child she loved with her. Her “daughter” is a symbol for my desires. My soul sought me out, and so she moved into the condo below mine, which is an expression of the bridal chamber1 . As Christ, I’m the bridegroom, and the lady, my soul is my bride. The sleeping daughter is a brilliant inversion of the gospel story

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of the dead child (see Mark 5.38–43). In the dream, my soul asks, “Do you think my desires are dead?” This is what she meant by her daughter being asleep. The question is answered when the daughter opens her eyes, proving that she is alive.

She had “no right to stop me” because “The master of the woman is her husband” (Exegesis on the Soul). I am Christ, the husband of

my soul. The archetype and symbol is male and female, yet my per-

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sonal individuation is male and male, so I didn’t recognize her as my

wife because she wasn’t a man. I flirted with her a bit, in a friendly manner, but I didn’t recognize her in female form. Then I was “half-naked” which symbolizes a return to my physical

existence: “it is those who wear the flesh who are naked” (The Gospel of Phillip). I’m wearing both imagination and flesh. The authorities were looking for my wealth to seize it, and I had

thought they had found my place, where my wealth was. That place is the upper condo, the state of wealth in Heaven. Where my place should have been, there was another place, as the Heavenly floor had disappeared. Remember the two become one? Had I not woken, I would have returned to the lady’s condo, but the

lady and her daughter would not be there. I would have found luxury 1

See The Gospel of Phillip and Exegesis on the Soul.

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CHAPTER 27. DAY JOINS NIGHT and wealth. I would have found my husband in the flesh. I would also discover that my condo key matched the door. There would be no trapdoor to the above unit. The lower condo had become the upper condo.

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Heaven and Earth had become one.

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28 Resigned to Victory On May 9th , 2018, I had a dream where the lord i am had taken on the form of a past love, and after many interruptions, we found opportunity to get intimate together, but I woke. Not many hours later, on May 10th , my happy mood was interrupted by disappointment.

What a cursed world—a barren woman who tries to conceive and

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every sign of success lapses into failure! Oh mercy! Let her die!

Why do I hope against hope? I should hope only that my eyes fail to

open! Every enemy closes in, spears aimed at my throat. I’m surrounded and death seems the only escape. How else should my dreams become the only reality? Oh purge this nonsense from me! So I cried profusely for an hour. When was I to rejoice? Why did

I have to be the outer man? I looked inside at the inner man in such boundless joy, his life of happiness kept all to himself. Who will die? The world or me? My death would be a mercy killing! Such nonsense. Cry it out. That’s all I can do. There’s nothing to

imagine. There’s nothing to revise. My wish-fulfilled is already done. The Dreamer has spoken; the Word has gone forth! Haven’t I read my own writing? Haven’t I interpreted correctly? There’s nothing I can do. I cannot will. I cannot unwill. The threats are phantoms! My 100

CHAPTER 28. RESIGNED TO VICTORY fate is inevitable; I’ll be swept into the clouds to rejoice. Whether I am asleep or awake, dazed or alert, I am victorious. When the crying is done, what do I do? Turn. Turn. Turn. Drink and be merry! Laugh at the lies! Laugh at the madness that is love! Laugh because I am my own madness and that madness is the only

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happiness! Do what I love; ignore what I hate. What else can I do? I must dance my madness, laughing in victory, resigned to my fate.

I persist in my wish-fulfilled, turn from the threats. My desires

already are. I must only do what I do in rest. That is enjoyment, in

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things that are, in things that are not. For all is real inside my heart.

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29 Unbecoming the Machine On the night of May 10th , 2018, I returned to a higher mood before sleep. I dreamed that my brother and his friend as kids were playing on a

computer while my mother was sleeping. They had some clever program that muted the actual sound emitted from the speakers. I didn’t believe it would work. How could it?

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So they raised the volume to the max, which surely would have woken

mother. Yet the program did its job and kept the realized volume from sounding loud, letting mother sleep.

I was surprised, having been proven wrong. Then I was downstairs in an office environment. A peanut M&M ma-

chine was newly installed, and I was eating cups of this. Outside the window was a lit-up Christmas Santa decoration in the yard. As I was waking up, I was interpreting the dream, feeling reassured

by the dream that my life was safe, that I was going to be okay, better than okay, like the best-Christmas-ever kind of okay. The guys “playing on a computer” symbolize how I am living my

life. Living in the mood of wish-fulfilled is playing. I’m not behaving like a sane adult who has responsibilities. I’m doing what makes me happy, living in my self-imposed ignorance of the world. 102

CHAPTER 29. UNBECOMING THE MACHINE The “sleeping mother” represents the phantom future. That future is poverty, financial disaster, and homelessness and death. She’s the false mother who catches her children playing and scolds them for not completing their never-ending homework. She’s the master who whips the slaves into obeying the ways of the world.

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The “computer” symbolizes the physical realm, for the influence of the computer is limited to its electronic-software realm. How can software affect sound waves in the physical realm? So too how can the spirit affect the flesh? The divide seems absolute.

The “clever program” symbolizes the imagination. The imagination is not restricted to what seems. It’s capabilities exceed what is believed to be possible. Yet I’m playing a doubter in the dream.

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Raising “the volume to the max” is a test. It’s a test of the “clever

program”, of the imagination (see Test Him and See lecture by N.G). Can my imagination save me from reason’s worst outcome? Is my imagination powerful enough to resurrect my life? The threats grow intense and the voices loud and angry, demanding my head! All this drama will surely wake the false mother! Yet the imagination conquers and passes the test! The loud sound

is muted. The false mother stays asleep. Reason’s worst outcome has failed. The true life of play has been resurrected! The doubter is the intellect believing that it’s the highest power.

For the intellect is the highest power that has enslaved itself to even higher powers known as natural laws: the intellect is the lowest slave deluded into believing his slavery is the highest freedom. He’s smug and arrogant, so I was surprised that the “clever program” succeeded, 103

CHAPTER 29. UNBECOMING THE MACHINE that imagination had won, and I woke from my death. The “computer” also symbolizes the realm of the intellect, where life is reduced to numbers. Quantification is the murder of the heart! I had been quantified to death! Feeling only matters when feeling can be assigned a number for comparison, categorization, and anal-

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ysis. Athletes are man’s best attempt to become unfeeling machines. Heart rate, cadence, power, lap time, speed, muscle mass, VO2 max,

distance, every data point conceivable is measured, recorded, and analyzed. What is a race or competition but the crowning of the machine with the superior numbers?

Lost in the data, the feeling is abandoned. The joy of sensation is

sacrificed to the god of meeting goals, of exceeding numbers. Sen-

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sation itself becomes the reward for satisfying the god of quantification. Those who win feel good; those who lose feel bad. Neither

remembers the joy in the sensations of movement. They are numb to pleasure but open to pain, as the sensation of pain indicates a problem, a potential obstacle to achieving the goal. And the celebrated scholars of the day still cannot figure out what

the poet meant by “dark satanic mills” (Jerusalem by William Blake). The body of joyous sensation has become a machine to be rewarded with joy only upon satisfying the god of quantification, to be punished with pain and self-hatred upon failing to satisfy its god. “Downstairs” represents movement into the physical realm, where

I am sitting in an “office environment”, which symbolizes my physical life of working to survive, but I’m not working. I’m eating of the new mood of wish-fulfilled, which is the dream candy. I’m in the 104

CHAPTER 29. UNBECOMING THE MACHINE world yet not of the world ( Jn 17.6–19), refusing to work. The “Christmas Santa” represents the coming of Christmas as a kid sees it. That is, the time of receiving gifts. The house is decorated. Lights hang from the neighborhood roofs. People are possessed by the Holiday Spirit. The day of unveiling, unwrapping is soon.

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“If you then, although you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”

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— Matt. 7.11.

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30 “Live Yourself” "If you live according to an example, you thus live the

life of that example, but who should live your own life if not yourself? So live yourselves"

— The Red Book pg. 125 by C.G. Jung.

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There are depths in the shallows just awaiting discovery by those

who ignore the warning signs and dive. Whose life am I living? Much of my life was lived by the Pretender, who beheld evils. So I became what I am not. The remainder of my life was lived by me, who beheld the world. So I also became what I am not. Like many, I thought I was living, but the example before me wasn’t me but the world—the old me outside of me. Thus, I was living my past self on repeat. To live the life of an example leads to emptiness, frustration and

death, for the self seeks to express itself yet cannot fully inhabit a life contrary to itself. The language of the self is desire, but the contrary life is denial of desire. The intellect proves itself able to manipulate the world, the example, by means of the physical senses, and thus I was deceived into giving intellect the throne of the lord i am. The self gives desire to the intellect, hoping for intellect to use its manipulative capacity to shape the example, the world, to better 106

CHAPTER 30. “LIVE YOURSELF” conform to the self, for the self lives vicariously through the example. The intellect lives for the world, the example, acting as the judge of desire, the judge of the self, refusing desires that it believes will endanger the physical and relational life, and the desires that pass judgment are modified, made practical, during intellect’s attempt to

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manipulate them into being. Often, the manipulation fails, and the desire remains unfulfilled, and then intellect creates any number of reasonable delusions as to why its manipulation failed. “There is a way that seems right to a person, but its end is the way that leads to death”

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— Proverbs 14.12.

Manipulation is “the way that leads to death”. Neville refers to this mindset as “guile” (see The Pure in Heart lecture by N.G). By failure in manipulation, I learned what is impossible and what is possible. Thus, I learned the seeming limits of the world and unknowingly restricted my life to the confines of reason’s circumference stamped upon the infinite. I learned to exist in a state of suffering. There is manipulation by physical means, through the senses, and

there is also manipulation by mental means, through imagination. The Law of Attraction (LOA or the Law) mindset seeks to use the mind or imagination as a tool for manipulation. Such people have not found life! I have lived only vicariously so long as I seek to manipulate my example, my world, to conform to myself, for I correctly think imagination is the beginning but mistake the physical for the end. I use imagination as a means to get and to obtain, to dress my ex107

CHAPTER 30. “LIVE YOURSELF” ample to resemble myself, but I remain living the life of my example, not the life of my self, for I am ever manipulating and never living. Thus, a person who lives the life of the world, the life of their example, ever reinforces their feelings, self-concept, and circumstances from the physical senses. Since the physical world out-pictures and

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ever reflects their past inner reality, they are never living themselves but always living the past example of themselves, so they live what isn’t, and their lives are the living of death.

If only they would turn and live the present, the present would become their past, and they would live life! “I am the first and I am the last,

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there is no God but me”

— Isa. 44.6.

the lord i am is the beginning and the end, the first and the last, the only present. God doesn’t get. God doesn’t obtain. God lives! I was so entrenched in manipulation that it took volumes of text to explain and understand that simple truth. Imagination is the first and the last, the beginning and the end,

the only present. The self is the imagination. How can the self not know of its own power? Who condemned the self to the suffering of vicarious living through manipulation? For the self is the beginning, and the self is also the end. There is no other, no example to manipulate. There is only the self being and living itself. The intellect, the manipulator, once a close yet terrible friend, is revealed as Satan, the Doubter, who fights the self to keep the self ’s power. 108

CHAPTER 30. “LIVE YOURSELF” How many think of God as the divine manipulator? “If you do not fast from the world, you will not find the kingdom. If you do not observe the Sabbath as a Sabbath, you will not see the Father”

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— The Gospel of Thomas v. 27. Imagination is both the self and the expression of the self. For in the

imaginary scene, the self can truly be itself, for there are no restrictions on what can be imagined, and what can be imagined can be believed. To “fast from the world” is to turn away from the life of the

example, of desire-denied and imagine and behold the life of the self,

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of desire-fulfilled. To “observe the Sabbath” is to rest in the mood of fulfillment produced by living the life of the self. I live the life of myself by believing in my imaginary life. When my

physical senses declare that I am poor, I deny their lies and remind myself that I am wealthy. I dare to assume my truth for the sake of myself! I honor myself with the distinction of reality. No longer do I live the life of my example, who taught me limitation. The world I was born with is truly an example, a purposefully poor

example of life. The worldly life is a “kindergarten for image making” (The Law and the Promise chpt. 13 by N.G). So long as I live the life of the example, I can never be happy, for the example life is designed to taste of happiness then fall into dissatisfaction and death. How many lives have I spent imitating others? Like mother, like daughter; like father, like son; who lives their own life? I must live myself! I am to take what I love from the example life into myself, 109

CHAPTER 30. “LIVE YOURSELF” into my imagination. Then I am to fast from the example life, behold my imaginative world, and live my true life, my dream, my reality from which I will never wake, for then I am awake. The source of my feelings and their acceptance is my reality. If my feelings come from the example, the physical world, then I am

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living the example life. If my feelings come from imagination, the life I created for myself, then I am living myself. When I close my eyes to sleep, what do I have? If I worry, I have nothing. If I rest, I have everything. Who can take what is mine?

Waiting upon manifestation, the delusional test of faith, is living

the example life, waiting for the past example to change, hoping that

imagination will manipulate physical reality on my behalf. Desire

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cannot be waited into being. Desire must be lived into being. For

the lord i am doesn’t get, doesn’t obtain, but already has and lives what he possesses, which is everything imaginable. I see what isn’t.

I heard what wasn’t.

I touch what is, yet will be.

The example life sometimes aligns with myself. How do I use

this evidence of good things? Suddenly, after doing no advertising, just hanging out in the desert, I was swamped with real estate work, which has thankfully distracted me from waiting upon manifestation, waiting upon the desert to bloom. Though I won’t work to survive, I am doing this work, reframing how I think about it. The work isn’t simply my harvest of seeds I planted in my old life. It’s not something to ignore. I want to incorporate this into my 110

CHAPTER 30. “LIVE YOURSELF” new concept of self. So I say that I’m a wealthy person who, alongside my husband, helps select clients complete real estate deals. This work that has manifested is the evidence of that. I don’t care about the commission, the scraps, because I’m already wealthy and do the work to reflect my new self concept and new life.

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What is my work? The motions to make my client happy, and then simply imagining that my client’s home is already sold. Let my imagination sell the property.

Some time ago, I purchased an expensive winter cycling outfit for

myself, and then I imagined my husband wearing a similar outfit in

colors that matched his style. His outfit was on discount at 20% off, and one day, I thought to myself, only if the discount goes to 50%

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off, then I will buy it for my husband. Two weeks later, the outfit

was 50% off, and I was compelled to purchase it. I thought I was crazy, buying clothes for a dead person or at best, someone I had yet to meet. I had and have faith that one day my husband will physically wear that outfit. I remember as memories the imaginary scenes when we cycled together in our outfits on beautiful winter days. On May 19th, 2018, I read some story online similar to my story of

the outfit, and I was inspired. Immediately, without even commenting, I began to pack up my condo for remodeling. I had remodeled my home within my imagination, and though I had only imaginary money, I began to sort through and pack as though I already had the money to pay for the remodel. I finished donating and discarding my husband’s past stuff. I also discarded and donated much of my past stuff. Anything that no longer fit my self concept—gone! 111

CHAPTER 30. “LIVE YOURSELF” I observed that all my furniture was purchased out of need and financial compromise. My husband and I bought what we could afford, not what we desired, and what we didn’t buy, we dragged along from hellish pasts. None of the furniture belonged in our remodeled home. Use and value had no part in my decision making. Too long

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I’ve spent encased in what is not me. I have to surround myself with what is of me, not what is necessarily useful or valuable. “God is a man-eater.”

— The Gospel of Phillip.

When I finished packing, all my boxes were stacked in the living room. So I reframed what I was looking at. The remodel was already

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done in my imagination. So it was already done.

The stack of boxes in my living room was all my stuff ready to be

unpacked into the newly remodeled space. Though that physical action would have to wait.

Amidst resolving problems with my bicycle, I realized that I had

outgrown the particular bicycle. Though barely a year old, not only was the color scheme black with blue (see blue-red on pg. 42), the bike didn’t quite fit me, wasn’t suited for my newly preferred way of riding, and simply was not worth upgrading. Then I came across my dream bicycle, having my favorite red, black, and white color scheme, resolving all the problems, but at $4k, it was well beyond affordable, except to my imagination. So I imagined riding the new $4k bicycle on my bike trainer. I imagined that the new bicycle was my only bike. With my wealth, 112

CHAPTER 30. “LIVE YOURSELF” I easily afforded it. But to physically put the bike on the trainer, I would need an adapter, which given my finances was relatively expensive at $80. The adapter is completely useless without the $4k bike, so I physically ordered the adapter in faith that I will soon physically own the bike. Imagination has provided me with the wealth, to physically have it!

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and now I’m thinking and desiring from that wealth. But I have yet

The new life consumes the old life.

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The self consumes the example.

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31 The Final Enemy “No one afraid of death will be saved, for the kingdom of death belongs to those who are put to death”

— The Secret Book of James.

On May 26th, 2018, I unavoidably fell into despair for a number of

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hours. I drank a beer and tried to immerse myself in my mood of

wish-fulfilled and my incredible imagination, but I was forced to envision, experience, and feel a disturbing scene: It was a beautiful weekday, and I was on a solo road trip, two hours

from home. I parked my car at the Deception Pass bridge visitor’s area. Like many tourists do, I followed the sidewalks out onto the bridge. In the middle of the large span, in a decisive movement, I jumped up

onto the railing, and pushing off the railing, I leapt into the void two hundred feet above the turbulent waters of Deception Pass. I fell, laughing.

My body hit the water like concrete, but I was not that body. I was in my remodeled condo looking at my stuff in boxes, ready to be

unpacked, and my husband was standing beside me. Our eternal life had begun. 114

CHAPTER 31. THE FINAL ENEMY This vision tried to come a few days prior, during a similar episode of despair, but I resisted the vision because I viewed body death, especially suicide, as the ultimate failure: If I physically died, then “all this chronicle is null and void, and every mystical revelation, vision, and dream is vanity” (see chpt. 23 on page 78 herein).

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If my desires failed to manifest, then I would commit suicide. There was simply no option, for I refused to endure any more suffering in debt and lack. Yet I feared this outcome, defining it as failure, and I depended upon my imagination to save me from that death. I was afraid of death, and I was terrified of this vision. “The last enemy to be eliminated is death”

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— 1 Cor. 15.25.

In defining my bodily death as failure, I gave the honor of realness to the physical realm and fell into the manipulative way of living, wherein imagination is a tool for manipulation that I am merely testing the effectiveness of. In doing this, I dishonored the reality of my imaginal acts and the evidence of my mood of wish-fulfilled. As I look to be saved from being overcome, I fail to realize that I

am already saved, that my mood of wish-fulfilled is the evidence of my salvation. I was running from death as one runs from a tsunami, instinctually fleeing in fear of being overcome, being “put to death” by an outside power. Thus, I was overcome by death through fear. It is right for man to fear death, for to that man, death is truly death. He was born with the empty world and leaves as he entered—with nothing. No memories, no possessions, no identity, he takes nothing 115

CHAPTER 31. THE FINAL ENEMY with him except the shape of his unknown spirit. His imagination is a barren desert yet his garment was full, but the garment cannot sustain life unto eternity, so when the garment dies, so does the person, and the spirit returns to the lord i am (Eccles. 12.7). I mistook my “dead body of weighted nerves” (The Bible’s Mystery

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lecture by N.G) for myself, though I know better! When I lived by the dictates of the physical realm, the example life, I suffered. Now, I live by my self-made imaginary scenes, so I rejoice in my ecstasy. Is the physical body the container of life or death? It’s the circumference of death branded upon eternity, the garment of division.

The vision showed my desired life manifested as my physical body

died upon impacting the water. I discarded one garment. What’s

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to stop me from fashioning another, superior garment for myself? I

died in the vision, yet I was alive and the same me, only changed as I had imagined myself to be, living my life restored. Though I had died, I succeeded beyond all success, obtaining my manifested desires. Have I not found everything to exist within me? If I am not my

garment, then what exists within my garment? Nothing. It’s as a shell that falls away as the sprout grows into freedom. In this way, the lord i am has conquered death, for all that remains for death to take away is nothing, so death becomes nothing. “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” — 1 Cor. 15.55. What is the “sting” of death if not loss and lack? If all is within me, 116

CHAPTER 31. THE FINAL ENEMY if nothing is within my garment, then when my garment dies, only nothing is lost. Where is the pain in losing nothing? There is no pain. For in losing nothing, I gained everything. In this world, the physical body acts to divide the one into two, spirit from flesh, male from female, conception from manifestation.

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This division is taken by death, restoring the unity of oneness. When the physical body ceases, the inner man becomes the inner and outer man; the male and female join as one. The imaginal act becomes the instantaneous reality and the body for experience.

the lord i am has in this way tricked death into swallowing itself, for death becomes the end of death and the things of death.

“People who say they will first die and then arise are

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wrong. If they do not receive the resurrection first, while they are alive, they will receive nothing when they die” — The Gospel of Phillip.

Thus, all must be obtained and accomplished while physically alive in this world of death. To be reborn of spirit ( John 3.3) is to discover the true life of imagination—to transfer the life of the physical body into the spiritual body. For this is the only way to stow my treasures in Heaven (Matt. 6.20). The garment is emptied of everything beloved, and all that is beloved is stowed away, so death takes nothing—as I have resurrected my life beyond death in eternity. So I leave behind my fellow sleeping brothers, yet I take the ideas they play, and as the life-giving spirit, I animate my own world. For all that I have loved in my time enduring this world of death is within 117

CHAPTER 31. THE FINAL ENEMY me. Unlike the average man, who loses his possessions upon death, I was born with nothing and died taking everything. “Fear is the power of darkness. If you are afraid of what is about to come upon you, it will overwhelm you, and not one among them will spare you or show you mercy.”

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— The Dialogue of the Savior.

Truly, death is the power of suffering, for it’s the fear of death that

makes people run on this deadly hamster wheel called life. No one wants to lose what they have, so they fight and struggle. They run from the tsunami, trampling everyone in their haphazard ways. Who stands before the tsunami and laughs?

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That one has overcome!

Who laughs as they fall to their intentional death? That one has overcome!

Who lives in the mood of wish-fulfilled against all evidence? That one has overcome!

Society thinks of suicide as a choice, yet I have to say what men

call suicide should rightly be called homicide, for the man who suffers is a slave to the powers and authorities who make him suffer. If the suffering drives him to kill his body, he had no choice but to obey, for that man is a slave, though many think him free. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes ( Job 1.21), and the decision

lies with the Lord’s authority. Pharisees1 dare not take the Lord’s authority upon themselves. They claim suicide is evil, and leave all 1

Modern day Christianity is the Biblical Pharisees.

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CHAPTER 31. THE FINAL ENEMY power to the idols who have mastered them. Yet I am the lord i am. I give, and I take. Who decides but me? I don’t recognize any outside god. Did not Jesus commit suicide in going to death on the cross? Did not Judas commit suicide? (Matt. 27.3–10) Again, the Pharisees know nothing of Judas, for Judas is not a

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traitor but the revealer, for who can identify the Lord but the Lord? Through the outer man, the inner man is revealed. So like Judas, the outer man tosses aside his sufferings, his thirty pieces of silver, and

hangs himself, secure in knowing his life is the life of the inner man. Am I not told, “All is vanity” (Eccles. 1.1)? Why should Judas

remain among the vanity? Why should I remain among the vanity?

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Those who outgrow the world move onward.

I was mistaken in believing that my suicide would be failure. It’s

only failure to those who are afraid of death! But to me, who has now overcome, suicide is a quick escape to eternal life. The debts, lack, and loss that were sweeping me towards inevitable

death are now sweeping me towards inevitable life. Even the Pharisee says, “The worst outcome is death”. So now that death has become a gateway to life, what has become of my problems? The opening quotation of this chapter is mistranslated due to il-

legible manuscripts, yet I know what the author meant: “No one afraid of death will be saved, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to those who put themselves to death” — The Secret Book of James. 119

CHAPTER 31. THE FINAL ENEMY When I feared death, I unknowingly conceded that my possessions, my treasure was in the physical world, subject to the taking of death. I could not be saved from my debts and lack, for it’s from death’s threat of taking that such problems obtain their power. When I put myself to death, I stowed all my possessions, my trea-

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sure in the spiritual world, beyond the taking of death. I was already saved from my debts and lack, and the problems no longer have any power, for they cannot take anything from me, only nothing.

Manifestation in the world of death is a matter of persisting in

honoring the reality of imagination. When I feared death, I unknow-

ingly honored physicality with realness. Now that death has become a gateway to the reality of imagination, I am honoring my imaginal

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acts with all realness, clearing the last hurdle to manifestation. “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me will find it“ — Matt. 16.25.

For the man who fears death is trying to save his physical life, and that man will be overcome by death. Yet the man who puts himself to death, empties himself and stows himself in Christ the imagination, that man will inevitably manifest his salvation. “Be seekers of death, then, like the dead who seek life, for what they seek becomes apparent to them. And what is there to cause them concern?” — The Secret Book of James.

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32 Walk Away On May 29th , 2018, I dreamed that I was visiting my parents’ home to see my mom. While I was visiting with her, my dad showed up and asked that I fix some computer-related problems.

I refused. I told him that I didn’t want to see nor talk with him.

This began a loud fight wherein he claims that I’m in his house, that

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he created and raised me, that I must obey him—and I deny that I was ever his son, for I cannot possibly be related to such a violent man. I’m not having any of this nonsense, so I went to the front yard, where

I left my black-blue bicycle, and rode off. Immediately, my bike is squishy and not rolling well. As I checked the tire, the valve stem fell out. All the spokes on my wheels were undone, and the bike fell apart in my hands. My dad is standing on the porch steps, looking smug, a clever glint in

his eyes and a bunch of tools hanging out of his jean pockets. I had no means to repair this much damage. So I turned to walk away and awoke. As I was waking, having been released from the dream’s script, I

realized that I could have imagined and felt I was riding my new bicycle, and that bicycle would have manifested right beneath me, carrying me away to accomplish the intents of my mind. I would have 121

CHAPTER 32. WALK AWAY rode off into my new life, having put my arrogant dad and his manipulations to shame. He couldn’t abuse or trap me anymore. This dream is a confirmation of the lesson taught herein in the previous chapter (see chpt. 31 on page 114): Be willing to die, to walk away from everything, for I truly walk away from nothing, for

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everything but nothing is within me. My parents’ “home” symbolizes the physical world, wherein the

ways of the flesh are considered superior, and the example life is the only life, for within this world is where I found my “mom”, who rep-

resents the “works of the female” (see The Dialogue of the Savior), which must and will be destroyed, that which is born of woman. This is the delusive reality credited to physical things. It’s the love

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and preference for the manifestation over the spirit of a thing.

My “dad” represents the false father, the external “God”, the demi-

urge, whose physical world is a poor imitation of the eternal realms of light. In my example life, I was technically and logically oriented, following in the computer-science footsteps of my dad. Yet when I was reborn of spirit, becoming myself as imagination, technology no longer mattered to me. I became a spiritual poet who rejects reason and religion and the nonsense of materialism and its ways. Our fight was my individuality versus his plan for my life. Sure, he

may have been the progenator of my physical body, but the infinite beautiful me inside me, the one who writes this chronicle, the lord i am, came from something wholly other to my dad. Thus, I am the Son of the Heavenly Father residing in the flesh of an earthly son, and i am is the father of myself and is myself (see Jn. 10.30). 122

CHAPTER 32. WALK AWAY Riding off on my “black-blue” bicycle is a symbol of my physical life. My whole life has come apart and disintegrated. Money is a means of transportation, of smoothly moving in the physical world. Money is like having wheels and suspension over rough ground, but I could no longer move on wheels as they had been undone.

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The demiurge counted on his cleverness trapping me in his will. I would have to beg him for the tools to fix my bike. I would have to

bow to his power over me, play the game of life by his rules. Just as my bike is broken, I had no way to repair my physical life. I’d have to beg for scraps. I’d have to work. I’d have to return to slavery.

“He’ll never abandon his life,” thought the demiurge. Never would

I abandon my bicycle. What about the joy of cycling? What about

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the pleasures of sex? Or the sensations of being alive? Like everyone else, I would do anything to survive, wouldn’t I? Yet I walked away. I had found all my possessions, lovers, joys,

and pleasures inside myself. The demiurge cannot understand, for he is sakklas or the blind god, never to partake of imagination. “anyone who is on the roof, with his goods in the house, must not come down to take them away, and likewise the person in the field must not turn back. Remember Lot’s wife! Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it.” — Luke 17.31–33.

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33 The Vultures Gather “The disciples said, ’Where [will the judgment occur], Lord?’ He replied to them, ’Where the dead body is, there the vultures will gather.’”

— Luke 17.37.

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On May 31st , 2018, I paid the last mortgage payment I can afford,

keeping just enough money for the forthcoming condominium dues and my utilities. The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) is asking for taxes due, and I’m unable to pay anything for last year’s taxes, and come the 15th , by any reasonable measure, I will likely default on my installment plan for back taxes.

I’ve simply run out of money and time. The IRS would be the first vulture to descend upon me with their

levies and liens. Then my condominium association would come with their hands out and power to lien. Then the mortgagee would come after me and threaten foreclosure. “[imagination] is a true stone, a precious cornerstone, and one who believes will not be in haste1 .” 1

act in or from a place of panic, desperation, or impatience

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CHAPTER 33. THE VULTURES GATHER — The Foundation Stone - Imagination lecture by N.G. Yet I’m not concerned. Haven’t I paid all these with my imaginary wealth? Yes I have! Don’t I have imaginary income without working? Yes I have! Not one penny has come my way. So why do I feel so happy? Don’t I have what I feel? Yes I do! Let the judgment come,

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for that day of manifestation will be my earthly salvation. With about $100 to my name, what do I have to fear?

“do not ... turn to another foundation, growing violent toward those who would lead Jesus to the cross”

— The Foundation Stone - Imagination lecture by N.G.

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In my situation, who wouldn’t curse the IRS? Who wouldn’t curse taxes? Who wouldn’t blame society or the ways of the world? But I know the lord i am is the cause and foundation of my world. Should I be a fool and direct violence towards the other? Should I give my creative and life-sustaining power to the second cause? I am the only cause.

These circumstances and events that seem to be ushering me to-

wards on death on my cross, they are phantoms! Should I give them my life and power over me? No! I walk towards the cross, my eyes and heart fixed on my imaginal reality, my one foundation.

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34 For the Love of Images On June 1st , 2018, I laid down and experienced a vision. Before me was a desk and multiple printed bills. Tax payoffs, mortgage payoff,

and many miscellaneous invoices. With declarative and definitive force,

I stamped each bill PAID with a green ink stamp. The ink glowed and then caught fire in a white flame of light, which consumed all the bills.

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The vision is a promise that my promised wealth will come to pass.

All these debts and obligations will be and are already paid. I’m reminded of Neville’s vision: “I saw my discharge paper with the word Disapproved crossed out and the hand of God write Approved above it in bold script” (God’s Almighty Power lecture by N.G). The color green represents abundance, sustenance, and fertility (Ps. 92.14), so the promised abundance shall devour all the lack. “the Lord your God who goes before you is a devouring fire; he will defeat and subdue [your enemies]” — Deut. 9.3.

On June 5th , 2018, I was listening to music and singing and playing along in my imagination when suddenly my home and possessions 126

CHAPTER 34. FOR THE LOVE OF IMAGES sang out in a loud chorus, “sweet wind of heaven” in time with the song. Then I saw all of my things had human faces, cartoony on the surface and becoming real persons in the depths of my sight. Everything was happy, rejoicing even, for I knew they were happy about getting new clothes.

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“[Abdullah] would ask me to look at the lampshade. He didn’t mean for me to see the lampshade—anyone

can do that—but to focus my attention through it. Looking beyond, I would see living, breathing human faces. Other times he would ask me to look at a car, a house,

a wall—not with my outer eyes but with my inner eye;

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and when I did, I would always see Man.”

— Follow the Pattern lecture by N.G.

I think of myself as a person, and I think of what surrounds me as objects. Yet the lord i am is the substance of not only my physical body but everything I have surrounded my body with, including the vast universe, and the lord i am is mankind. Thus, the objects I have surrounded myself with are people wearing the clothes I call objects, and those people are part of myself. Like many, I looked upon objects for their use and value. I re-

lated to objects by their usefulness and monetary worth. In other words, I related to the surface or appearance of an object rather than its hidden human spirit. In truth, just as humanity is awakening to complete the image of the one Father, my possessions complete the image of myself in this world. 127

CHAPTER 34. FOR THE LOVE OF IMAGES The one became many, so the one may love the many. So too the image of myself has become many so that I may love the many. For example, one image I have of myself is that of being a cyclist. Innumerable component images exist in the mansion or state of cycling: a variety of bicycles and bicycle components, specialized clothing

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and gear for the sport, mannerisms and jargon, etc. One image of myself as a cyclist is myself on a gray-black carbon

frame gravel bike with red accents, wearing red-black cycling shoes, with a coordinating skin-tight lycra outfit, no helmet, sunglasses, riding long distances over a mix of gravel, road, and singletrack trails.

All of these things are component images necessary to complete

the expression of the image I love myself as. They are the many that

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make up my one. So too my husband is another component that

completes my image of being a gay couple into cycling: we being the two component images that complete the us, for we both love the image of us, so we love the components that form that image, each other. As I love another person, should I love too the things that complete the expression of my image? Yes! Because of my past lack of imagination, my adherence to man’s

ways of use, value, and limitation, I had corrupted my image. None of the furniture I own comes close to the designs and styles of my ideal image. The furniture expresses the tastes of my husband’s parents, which reveals my past need in the midst of my seeming limitation. I want to burn it all. We needed furniture for our condo, but we couldn’t afford to buy what suited us. Many of the things in my possession I have because of similar circumstances. 128

CHAPTER 34. FOR THE LOVE OF IMAGES Many cyclists wear helmets, why do I choose to go without? The world is part of the image I have of myself. Like many, I was taught and learned that the world is a dangerous place, full of second causes that lead to injury and death. Bicycle helmets exist to protect against the second cause—the natural laws—that seemingly lead to a crash

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and impact to the head. Helmets are bulky, uncomfortable, unaesthetic, and wholly unnecessary in my safe and secure world. My imagination is the only cause, and if I imagine my world as being safe and secure, how can I fear a crash or head impact?

Now, if I see through a helmet into imagination, I see that hel-

met is a person, who I made alive. “You need me to save you when you crash!” he says. “Cyclists often crash. They get hit by distracted

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drivers. You can’t control that! 75% of bicycle accidents result in fatality by head injury! It’s not if but when; everybody crashes!” He’s whispering in my ears all this nonsense! Like Satan, the Doubter, he’s trying to justify his existence in my life. He was a friend when I lived in fear, living out my corrupted image. But why do I need a helmet when my imagination can ensure my safety? I looked through a bottle of prescription pills and saw a con man.

Dressed in the garments of a life to desire, she said, “I can restore your health. Just take me daily. I’ll be your lover.” She holds the power of the second cause, deceiving man, and makes man her slave, for man’s life depends on his loyalty to her, depends on his sacrificial gifts. She’ll bleed him dry of all the money man possesses. Never does she tell man that her life-sustaining effect resides within man—that the healing she provides is within man as his own imagi129

CHAPTER 34. FOR THE LOVE OF IMAGES nation and conception of self. If man could only imagine a life without pills, he would heal himself! Every object that surrounds me is a person, including the parts of my body. Some of them I hate. Some of them I feel neutral towards. Some of them I love. Yet all of them have life because of me. Their

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lives begin and end with me. I hate those things which oppose the expression of my image: e.g. ill-fitting shoes. I’m neutral towards the things I need to live in this world: e.g. money. But I love the things that express my image: e.g. my body.

I hated my helmet, so I killed him by throwing it away. I needed money, so I made him my servant.

I love my broken ear, so I healed him in imagination.

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Once I lived by the corrupted image of the world, when I mistook

the appearance of a thing for the thing itself, and the corrupted image I perceived became my image, and by adopting that image as myself, I unknowingly perpetuated its corruption. I looked through my broken ear and saw an old man. He’s been

with me since I was born. Like a secretary, people speak with him, and he scribbles down what they say. Then he reports those messages to me. But his hands are arthritic and shaky, and his memory is failing him. He repeats himself and is slow to understand. Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to ignoring his reports because they are usually confused and senseless noise. So I imagine “I am hearing perfectly” (see Faith lecture by N.G). I look through my healed ear and see the same old man restored to his youth. He’s outstandingly extroverted and sharp. He doesn’t 130

CHAPTER 34. FOR THE LOVE OF IMAGES need to write anything down. He simply remembers. When he reports to me, I understand perfectly and often his body language finishes his sentences. He’s happy and joyous in his doings. So my ear is a whole world, and its dysfunction is one man in that world. If I dared enter into that world in my imagination, I could

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forgive him by reimagining him younger and sharp. That would have the same effect as imagining that “I am hearing perfectly.” For the physical flesh that is my ear is merely the clothes hiding the human

spirit within. If that human spirit, as seen by imagination, is changed, the clothes will change, but the reverse is not so.

There was man who had reoccurring problems with his home ap-

pliances. They broke down often and had to be repaired at his ex-

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pense. He directed violent intentions towards these machines whenever they malfunctioned. Then one day he moved into a new home

with all new appliances. Shortly, the appliances began to break down and repeat the same patterns of malfunction, and so did the man. The clothes changed but the spirit remained the same. If only the man could see, he would discover the people within he oppressed with his violence, the people he saw as mere things and machines. People buy things to feel something, to move closer to express-

ing their image, but then they justify to themselves reasons for their purchase. It’s not acceptable to buy something on mere emotional response. Every purchase must have been motivated by a scientific, rational, and objective reason: use and value. What nonsense! Fact over emotion, objective over subjective, and conformity over individuality are the hallmarks of death’s mind. 131

CHAPTER 34. FOR THE LOVE OF IMAGES I have to laugh when I read about cycling shoes. One side claims cycling shoes and clipless pedals are an expensive scam. The other side claims the shoes and pedals offer many kinds of efficiency and safety benefits. Both sides argue the facts and studies, the proven scientific evidence, which is truly all nonsense. It’s not acceptable to

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simply enjoy the sensations of clipless pedals and shoes: One must give objective reasons that explain the utility and monetary value. Both sides also point to so-called professional cyclists who choose

one kind of pedal and shoe over the other because conforming to the professional is superior to individuality.

To their horror, I looked through my cycling shoes on my feet and

saw a man and a woman having passionate and loving sexual inter-

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course. The man is my foot, and the woman is my shoe. They were

two images, but they have come together in the unity of love, joined as one image. I feel their love-making in the enjoyable non-sexual sensations: snugness, stiffness, and connectedness. I also feel the joy of expressing my image of myself as a cyclist, which I’ll admit makes me feel sexy, attractive, and confident. Have I felt the shoe’s joy for the foot? Have I felt the hand’s joy for the glove? What love the jacket has for the chest! That she should take the

brunt of the elements for the man she loves! What love the home has for the person! That she like a good mother provides a protected place for life! Everything is people, and those people are myself. I surround myself with the love of my image.

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35 The Thankful Spirit On June 10th , 2018 at around 1 a.m., after watching a TV show, I felt strange, so I laid down on the floor. In repeat of what happened on

February 8th (see chpt. 15 on page 55), which involved the restoration of my inner man, I began to laugh for no discernible cause. It

was uproarious laughter, crazy and maniacal, having a child-like flair

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and spanning from guttural booms to the witch’s cackle.

“the melting together of sense and nonsense, which produces the supreme meaning” — The Red Book pg. 119 by C.G. Jung.

Then I experienced an outpouring of language, the Biblical so-called “speaking in tongues”. Never before has my mouth moved so fast, yet it was doing so all of its own accord, with articulating syllables, not like the blabbering vomit of certain Pharisee sects. I don’t believe this was a language but raw expression through

sound. It was like a child found his vocal ability and proceeded to experiment with the full range of his expressive capacity. It was a language to the extent that it was opposite to man’s language. The speaking in tongues turned into singing in a nonsense language. Apparently the same language from where the title of this 133

CHAPTER 35. THE THANKFUL SPIRIT chronicle arose. People are enslaved to their structures, afraid to utter a nonsense word. Yet the full expression of self necessarily involves the absurd! Can sanity befriend insanity? Worse! They must marry as heaven must wed hell (see The Marriage of Heaven and Hell by William Blake). Who makes a robe of chaos?

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“When you come into the joy of thanksgiving so that you actually feel grateful for having received that which

is not yet apparent to the senses .... as you rise in consciousness to the point where you are really grateful

and happy for having received the thing desired, you automatically rejoice and give thanks inwardly.”

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— At Your Command by N.G.

I thought, My problems are solved, and the laughter returned. I thought of my empty bank account and laughed more. Everyone scoffed and laughed at me. They didn’t believe what I said; only I believed me. I am safe. My life is safe. All my problems seemed so far removed from me. Everything is paid in full. I saw my husband and I in a new photograph compared to an old photo as a proof that his new body is very similar to his old body.

I laughed and laughed until I was exhausted. “The mind laughs because of the fruits of the spirit.” — The Dialogue of the Savior.

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36 Await the Volcano On June 12th , 2018, the bike computer I’d only imagined having was suddenly released in a limited red-black styling, so I bought one (that’s what credit cards are for). The product shipped late, and de-

livery was scheduled for Monday 6/18/2018. I wanted it for use on

the weekend! So I reimagined the delivery date as Friday 6/15/2018,

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and I held the unit in my imagination, and I felt my excitement and

pleasure in playing with and using the new device. Then I dropped my scene, confident in what I did using my imagination. As of Thursday evening, my package was still across the country

with the same unacceptable delivery date. I ignored this evidence and remained confident in my imaginal act. Then at around 1 a.m. Friday morning, my package was still across

the country but scheduled for early delivery on 6/15/2018. On June 15th , 2018, I expected my back taxes payment to bounce,

but instead I received two certified letters from the IRS informing me that they are terminating my installment agreement, and I have thirty days before they begin seizing my property. I simply laughed at the letters. By then I’d either be wealthy or gone from this world. I didn’t much care which outcome. 135

CHAPTER 36. AWAIT THE VOLCANO After these lovely notices, my bike computer package was delivered. So among the wreckage that was this day, I manifested the early delivery of my package, which was great. This day also happened to be the final day I had to sell my client’s house, which I had from the second it went on the market believed

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was already sold (see pg. 110). Like with the package, I had intensely applied my imagination to selling the house. After dealing with a

couple of offers over thirty days, we came within $5k of making a deal in the final hours of the listing, but $5k apart is no deal.

I was bewildered, but my client rented the place immediately and is happy. Of course, I lost my time and money.

That day was a blow, a nasty blow. Neville throughout his teach-

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ings says manifestations come on time and will not be late. Months

ago, I intensely imagined paying off the IRS before April 15th , 2018. That didn’t happen. My client’s house was already sold in imagination. That didn’t happen. The imaginal acts that have manifested have only made my situation worse. Not one imaginal act that improves my income or finances has come to pass. To me, the manifestation is late, way late, incredibly late. Yet everything bad is still a phantom, a mere threat. Though I have

only $35 in the bank, all my bills are current. My debts are serviced. My credit score is untouched. I’ve got food, water, shelter. If I have to buy something, I have credit. If I want something, I imagine I already own it, though doing that has compelled me to make purchases. For instance, from February 2018 through March, I imagined riding a particular indoor bike trainer in the dining area off my kitchen. 136

CHAPTER 36. AWAIT THE VOLCANO I felt my legs push against the pedals, as I was climbing a virtual hill, while the rain poured outside. I put myself in that scene again and again. I made no plans or clever schemes to purchase, and in April, armed with a 20% off opportunity, I was compelled to buy the bike trainer for $600, a completely irrational expense.

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That’s more than a mortgage payment! That’s nearly half my bicycle!? I can’t afford that! Wait a minute... If I’m wealthy, I wouldn’t be thinking that. I clearly want this item, and $120 off is a good deal, and if I don’t commit, I’ll be admitting that I am poor. So my anger at the poverty mindset forced me to purchase.

I bought the bike trainer precisely because I couldn’t afford it.

Not long after, I began to take serious interest in the bike com-

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puter I now have, which interoperates with this bike trainer. When I came to the decision point, I wasn’t thinking about affordability. I was concerned about my impatience. Why did I want this bike com-

puter now? Because I wanted the experience before my life died in the coming financial disaster. If I bought the bike computer then, I would have admitted to the reality of the coming financial disaster, denying my I-AM-WEALTHY imaginal acts and mood. It’s interesting to note that if I bought the bike computer back

then, it would have been a black-blue styling. I never saw even a hint that a red-black styling was in production. The red-black styling I own now appeals to me far more (see blue-red on pg. 42). Does the lord i am repay for the delay between an imaginal act and its manifestation? Back then, I wanted that blue-black bike computer, but at the point of decision, I sided with my imagination, 137

CHAPTER 36. AWAIT THE VOLCANO denying myself immediate fulfillment. Was the red-black styling i am’s way of repaying me for the two month delay? I received better than what I imagined or would’ve conceived. “[fulfillment] will come like a gusher. The world responds more than it takes, and it gives to the individual

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more than he imagines”

— The Foundation Stone - Imagination lecture by N.G.

I read an account wherein the author did Neville’s ladder experi-

ment, and within the timeline of the author, the experiment failed, but then a few months later, the author found himself climbing a

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ridiculous number of ladders during a home remodel.

the lord i am is a volcano. Every imaginal act stirs the fire into

action and builds the explosive pressure. Every second cause sacrificed increases the eruptive power. During the past six months, what has happened to me? I’ve learned to sacrifice every second cause to my imagination. I cannot rely on any other. i am the only cause. Why did the real estate sale fail $5k apart? Because I would have

looked to the commission from that deal as a way of saving me. In other words, I would have held a hope outside of myself. Why did the IRS take such unexpected aggressive action? Be-

cause I would have looked to their delay as a way of buying time. In other words, I would have trusted in their process over myself. Why did the early delivery of my bike computer manifest? Because that manifestation directs my hope to myself. 138

CHAPTER 36. AWAIT THE VOLCANO In October 2017, my bicycle developed a squishiness in the hydraulic rear brake. Going to the bike shop was too much hassle for me, so over the next four months, I simply squeezed the brake lever in my imagination and felt the firm response. I denied there was ever a problem. Then one day, while I was out riding, the rear brake catas-

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trophically locked up. I had to remove the brake pads to get back home. I wouldn’t ride without rear brakes, so I was forced to take my bike to the shop. They had to replace the rear brake caliper, which took two weeks time for the part and $60.

That incident was entirely my imagination’s fault. While my bike

was at the shop, I daily imagined myself out riding, implying that my bike was fixed and the repairs paid for, yet I had to pay the repairs

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from my dwindling funds, and since, I’ve wondered when that will be repaid. Where were my repairs without price? “they produced their trivia without price. Imagining accomplished these things without the means generally reputed necessary to do so.” — The Law and the Promise chpt. 13 by N.G.

Why am I not getting free things? I don’t want things for free. The providers of things are hopelessly enslaved to money and know nothing of imagination. I do not wish to deprive them of the nothing they have, for they rely upon that nothing as though it were something. Where’s the $600 for the bike trainer? Where’s the $250 for the bike computer? Where’s the $60 for the brake repair? Where’s the 139

CHAPTER 36. AWAIT THE VOLCANO $6k for taxes? Where’s the $12k for back taxes? Where’s the $6k failed commission? Where’s the $65k for the mortgage payoff? Of the thousands of imaginal acts relating to income and my finances, not a single one has occurred. Not a single penny has come to me, but nearly every single penny has left me.

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When I needed groceries, I bought what I wanted, not looking at the item prices or checking the receipt.

When I used my credit cards, I paid them off in full every month, not once carrying a balance.

When I felt compelled to buy, I bought against rational advice, reasoning from my wish-fulfilled.

I trusted in my imaginary wealth.

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So the terrifying truth is that all these things have been added to

the volcano. Every delay, every seeming failure, every loyal action, every faithful thought, every expense, monetary and otherwise, has for its repayment an appointed time to gush forth, consuming the phantom future in the eruption of a thousandfold return.

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37 Secure the Foundation On June 17th , 2018, I dreamed I was in the backyard of a large sprawling estate, accompanied by a father who had a daughter. Though we were at 500 feet above sea level, a raging flood, like an ocean of mud,

had destroyed the known world except for this property. As rain poured

in torrents and thunder boomed overhead, we prepared the house, which

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was the high point on the property.

I observed that vents in the foundation were open and would let the

water compromise the foundation, so I walked the perimeter of the house, closing the vents as I moved.

A fence of new, unblemished cedar stood in front of the house. Before

the fence, the turgid sea of mud rolled like an ocean. Enormous waves slammed into the fence, but the fence held and broke their power. Water rushed between the slats like a beached wave, creeping close to the house. On a terraced patio near the front of the house, I found an outdoor

desk, and inside this desk was candy and a small golden key. The water was threatening to overrun me and slam into the house. The key opened an elegant door that connected to the terraced patios. Behind the door, I beheld a woman who was overjoyed to see me. These were her quarters, her sanctuary, waiting in her father’s house. 141

CHAPTER 37. SECURE THE FOUNDATION At our meeting, the storm outside vanished, and the sun emerged over the receding waters. I couldn’t get the door shut behind me myself, so the woman helped me close the door. This dream depicts Jesus’ House on the Rock parable in Matthew 7.24–27, down to the concerns about the foundation.

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The “sprawling estate” is my imagination, the state of my desires

fulfilled. This is the Father’s house, wherein the daughter, the human soul dwells and takes refuge, awaiting Christ, her beloved. That is where I am waiting for the manifestation of my desires.

500 symbolizes the physical senses, the physical world. The flood is the events and forces that drove my physical life into the ground:

alone, broke, and on the brink of death. In doing so, the flood de-

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stroyed my reliance on second causes. There was nothing to hope in beyond the perimeter of the imaginative estate. The world beyond the estate had been reduced to turbulent mud. The open “vents” symbolize second causes, assigning responsibil-

ity or blame for something to a thing other than my imagination, other than the lord i am. So I was closing those, taking back my creative power from the delusion of second causes. The cedar “fence” represents the mood of wish-fulfilled. The fence

is doing what is reasonably impossible. What fence can withstand a 40ft wave of mud? So too emotion does what reason cannot believe. The world of reason has been leveled to mud, and amidst that, only a structure of imagination stands, protected by the power of mood. Yet some water makes it through the fence, and these are doubts that seek out second causes to prove themselves. The mood only 142

CHAPTER 37. SECURE THE FOUNDATION holds as strong as my loyalty to the unseen reality of my imagination. I am playing Christ as my living desire fulfilling itself (see chpt. 24 on page 81). The “outdoor desk” symbolizes the daughter’s imaginative works, where she left the lightning rod (see chpt. 5 on page 17) in the physical world to attract me. The “candy” represents a pleasure

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or sweetness, and the “key” represents a pathway of connection to that pleasure: It’s the bridge of incidents to manifestation. The soul waits on one end, and I as Christ cross over to the soul, and then we walk over and onward together.

The threatening water represents the phantoms that stand to ruin

my physical life. I am just in time to save my beloved soul from these. So when I opened the door, the veil between the physical world

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and imagination, I tore the separation from bottom to top. I didn’t

bring Heaven to Earth. I destroyed the Earth and raised the Earth up to my beloved soul’s place in Heaven. I had walked backwards across the bridge of incidents, and in doing so, brought that same bridge of incidents into being in physicality. I couldn’t close the door myself because both spirit and flesh were

needed. I was flesh, and my soul was spirit, only by coming together could we close the door and complete our oneness. And when that door was closed, all that was was Heaven as Earth. In Neville’s terms, I’m playing the subconscious mind, and the

daughter is my conscious mind. This reversed perspective is to show me that the lord i am is working to bring my desires to pass. My recent “failures” were intended to destroy second causes in me, and the lord i am is still saving me from the phantom future.

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