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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Anomalous Signal

By Terri Tseng

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

This work is dedicated to all those who do and do not know the meaning of life

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Created by Teresa (Terri) Tseng, July, 2006 This work is not copyrighted and was never intended to be. I work strictly on the honor system. If you like my ideas and wish to use them, then cite my name like a decent human being. If I discover that you are taking my ideas and making big money off of them, then I will find you and there will be a great reckoning.

Printed in Davis, CA, USA 2006

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Preface I first got the notion to create this project when I was reminiscing my UCI days shortly after I left. I was going thru my pictures and journal entries from my undergrad years. As the memories flooded back, I couldn’t help but realize how caught up in the moment I was. Now, I view everything so differently in hindsight… recognizing what I learned from those experiences and how I was blinded from those lessons at that time. To me, life is a journey up a winding mountain path. You can’t see where exactly you are going beyond what is only right in front of you, but you still know you are working to get to the top. As you journey, the further up you go, you gain a better overall perspective of where you’ve been... you can see how where you’ve been has gotten you to where you are. But, as the past gets farther and farther away, you can no longer make out the smaller details of what happened at a particular point in the past… unless you duly note down the experience and what you learned from it. When an obstacle comes up that is similar to something you’ve faced before, you can call on your experience to help you get thru… avoid the mistakes you made… find a solution quicker… etc. That is where this project comes in. It’s a somewhat organized collection of my blogged thoughts on topics that I (as a scientist, an intellectual, an Asian American, a Christian, a person) have encountered in the past and may likely come across again in my future. It’s what the world has taught me and what I’ve learned from the world so far on my journey up the mountain. It is my perspective from where I stand now: looking back and catching my breath at the end of the adventure-filled trail called college. The pieces in this project are individual commentaries and nothing more. Whether you agree or disagree with some of it or all of it is up to you. I’m happy as long as you stop to think about it. I tried to group them to give it some sort of logical organization, but there is still quite a lot of overlap. Pieces could go into several categories. What can I say? Life is complexicated (no that is not a typo). As you have already noticed, this project will be rife with my Terri sense of humor and filled with grammatical incorrectness as is customary with my blog entries. I’ve removed all names and tried to eliminate the politically incorrect stuff. I do not want to offend anybody… and I apologize in advance if I do. I personally hope to use this collection to keep myself in touch with my reality as it is now. I want this to inspire myself and guide myself when I am in the middle of dealing with obstacles that may cloud my vision. I realize, though, that even in this time of reflection, my hindsight may still be jaded. For we all look at the world thru our own set of colored glasses. In the end, it’s all about what we make of the reality with which we are presented.

Terri Tseng

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Topics of Discussion •

The pursuit of truth

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Religion

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God in my life

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The Bible

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Church

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Science

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Science and religion in my life

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Technology

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Evolution

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Embryonic stem cell research

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Human life

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Fairness

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Perspective

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Karma

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Giving

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Human thought

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Human emotion

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Memory

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Past, present, and future

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Death

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University life

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The transition after leaving home

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Growing up

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Classmates/peers

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Admissions

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What rejection has taught me

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Competition

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Courses and exams

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Medical school admissions and the MCAT

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Asian assimilation

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People

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Trust

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Truth and lies

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Conflicts

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Self-deceit

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Unpredictability

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In relationship to self and knowing when to draw a line

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

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Family

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Friends

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Characteristics of females and males

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♀ versus ♂

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Relationships and love

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♀+♂

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Or the lack there of

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Reciprocity

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Compromise

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Marriage

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Kids

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Love

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Sports applied to life

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Self-thoughts

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Being different

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Self-standards/double standards

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Giving thanks

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Self-control… control freak

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On self-opinion/others’ opinions of myself

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References

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About the Anomalous Signal Cover

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About the author

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Note: All directly blogged commentaries are dated and text is indented.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

The Pursuit of Truth The unadulterated truth, ugly and uncomfortable as it may be to accept, is still the truth and is better to be known in its entirety than to remain unpursued. In an attempt to gain understanding, obtaining the truth is the absolute goal. There is a contentment that comes with understanding the truth… the yearning curiosity within is finally satisfied. And, once you know the truth, you can help others get out of their confusion as well. When the whole truth is in the open, there will be no misunderstanding, there will be no assumptions made, and there will be no hiding being a fake front. Are you afraid of the truth? Why? You can’t change it magically. Living in a false reality is not living life as it was meant to be lived. You just deceive yourself and everybody else. But, you can change your reality… with work and prayer. You can’t change the truth of the past, but you can still dictate your present and future so that the reality of the true you changed for the better. Seek truth in all matters of life and the satisfaction of simplicity awaits.

~ Curiosity may have killed the cat, but a stupidly closed mind has taken many a human life.

~ A Yoga chant: Om Asatoma Sadgamaya Tamasoma Jyoti Gamaya Myrityoma Amritam Gamaya Translation: From darkness lead me to Light From delusion lead me to Truth From death lead me to eternal life 1

~ “Jesus answered: ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life…’” (John 14:6)

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Religion GOD IN MY LIFE My statement to the world of what I’m about; my June 11, 2006 baptism testimony: I believe in God our almighty Father in Heaven and that He gave His only son Jesus Christ by an incomprehensible love so that my sins may be forgiven and I could have salvation and eternal life. I believe in Jesus Christ and that He lived an unblemished life, was crucified, and was resurrected from the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit and that He reigns in my heart to lead me to live a life that glorifies God. The God that has been there every step of my life: He was there from my birth, when there were some serious medical complications and I was rushed to the UCLA medical center. My mom prayed to God with all her heart and right before I was to have heart surgery, my heart fixed itself and started pumping blood in the right direction. I still have a medical condition and I have to take pills for the rest of my life. God was there every time I was rushed to the emergency room. During the summer of 2003, I did some searching to find out more about my medical condition. What I learned shocked me. Questions came up: Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? I was frustrated, confused, and mad at the world. Getting out of that mindset was the hardest challenge of my life. But once again, God was there for me throughout it all. He put the right people in my life at exactly the right time. They were there to guide me to Him and showed me that His Love conquers all that this world can confront us with. As I learned more about our merciful Lord, I came to the conclusion about who and what I am today and that all “This has happened so that the work of God might be displayed in my life” John 9:3. I want to use the gifts that God has given me in order to do great things in His Name. I want to reach out to others and share the joy that is knowing Our Lord. I end with the passage 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

~ 11/7/2004 Dear God: You have done more for me than I could ever realize. You played the biggest role in my life since the day I was born. You have walked by my side, carried me thru hard times, and been the sole reason that I have continued on thru the madness. Everyday, I must say a giant THANK YOU. You restore my faith. You provide me with guidance and wisdom. You know what’s best for me. You set me straight when I’m getting carried away. You give me things that I don’t deserve even at times when I don’t deserve anything. You love me even when I turn away in stubbornness. “Your love endures forever” 2. You are my comfort when it seems I’ve lost all hope. You are my strength and my shield. You are the one I should always turn to first when I need guidance. I’m blown away by how You could love me so much to give up Your perfect Son... and how such a Son could endure so much for me. The power to intervene for my sake... I mean... the POWER of the grandest LOVE. And yet, even with all that said... You are “still more awesome than I know.” 3

~ This one always hits home: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right, if I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen. Reinhold Neibuhr (1943) 4

~ A little something I’ve always loved reading: Footprints in the Sand By Mary Stevenson 5 One night I dreamed I was walking Along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints. Other times there was one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that During the low periods of my life when I was Suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, So I said to the Lord, "You promised me, Lord, that if I followed You, You would walk with me always. But I noticed that during the most trying periods Of my life there was only One set of prints in the sand. Why, when I have needed You most, You have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints Is when I carried you."

~

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

6/5/2005 My Rock… My Rocket Reflecting back on my college days, I one day went thru my journal. I watched myself see my world get turned upside-down. I watched myself get back on my feet again. I saw myself gain a strong determination to make the most of my life and fix what problems I see need addressing. I watched myself stumble... I watched myself get discouraged. I saw myself struggle back to my feet and regain a sense of self. Each time something knocked me... I may have been shaken but the ground that I fell upon was solid and un-shakable. The Cornerstone upon which I build my life around is a solid Rock rooted in truth. Now, it’s time for me to let this Rock also be my Rocket to propel me thru life... my driving Reason that will lead me to live a life of loving and caring for others. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... blast off.

~ 9/24/05 May my heart beat with Your Heart May my heart break when Yours does May my heart rejoice when Yours does

~ July 1, 2006 My Comforter Who lends a patient ear And listens to each struggle Behind every tear You provide a love everlasting On which I can bank You are the reason I continued Thru the times my heart sank When there’s no other reason You are my motivation ’cause anything is possible In the name of Your Son

~

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

July 24, 2004 I don’t know why I say I don’t know why I do All I know is that You You guide my life my every move Take my hand Lead me thru Take my hand Light the way Show me why I’m here today Just take my hand And lead me to You You pick me up When I fall down Reveal Your glory In things all ’round You are my strength You are my shield You are the reason that I am healed

~ “When the Tears Fall” by Tim Hughes 6 I've had questions without answers I've known sorrow, I have known pain But there's one thing that I cling to You are faithful, Jesus You're true When hope is lost I call You Savior When pain surrounds I call You Healer When silence falls You'll be the song within my heart In the lone hour of my sorrow Through the darkest night of my soul You surround me, You sustain me My defender for ever more When hope is lost I call You Savior When pain surrounds I call You Healer When silence falls

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

You'll be the song within my heart And I will praise You I will Praise You When the tears fall Still I will sing to You I will praise You Jesus praise You Through the suffering Still I will sing to You When hope is lost I call You Savior When pain surrounds I call You Healer When silence falls You'll be the song within my heart I will praise You I will praise You When the tears fall Still I will sing to you I will praise You Jesus I will praise You Through the suffering Still I will sing to you When the laughter fails to comfort When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there When confusion is all around me And the darkness is my closest friend Still I'll praise You Jesus praise You

~ “The Room” by Joshua Harris 7 In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I Have Liked.” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I Have Betrayed.” The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. “Books I Have Read,” “Lies I Have Told,” “Comfort I Have Given,” “Jokes I Have Laughed At.” Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers.” Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in My Anger,” “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.” I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked “Songs I Have Listened To,” I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts,” I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With.” The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. “No!” I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “No, no,” as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.” I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

~~~ THE BIBLE The most purchased book in the history of the world. It is a great read of compiled books that document the lives and works of many awesome children of God. I still have yet to finish it, but I’ve had to conviction to read several books numerous times. I have learned so much from the Bible… it’s remarkable. Each reading comes with it new lessons from the very same passage I may have read only a week ago. No, the meaning of life does not jump out of the pages when one reads the Bible. But, one does learn more and more about the awesomeness that is God and his merciful love. Reading the Bible alone is not enough to find purpose in one’s life. Prayer is also required. When a solid connection to God is made via both Biblical study and prayer, then motivation will be put into one’s life and works will follow.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

~ I personally believe the idea that the Bible is “written words inspired by God.” The only part that I full-on believe was actually written by God Himself is the Ten Commandments. Everything else in there is written in the context of the time… geared towards the audience in that setting. Many of the underlying ideas are still applicable to life today. But, some of it is no longer relevant. Just like the documents the founders of America wrote. There is a valid argument against the second amendment (I do acknowledge this… but I like my toys ). It was written in context... but times have changed. No one is going to rewrite the Bible to address this chiasm between the author’s intent then and the relevance of his words today. So, I hesitantly say that I view some of the Biblical writings as “guidelines” because of their lack of application in today’s world.

~~~ CHURCH My church is not my God. My mission is to serve my Lord and bring glory to Him alone. The moment I become a people pleaser, even if those people belong to the organization of the church, I have lost my focus. Church activities are a means thru which I can serve my God by serving His children… His lost, confused, struggling, curious, accepting, devoted and ever-faithful children.

~ Church is a great institution. It offers free weekly lessons to learn about God’s heart and His lessons for anyone interested. Another thing that the church does is it provides structure. Sometimes religion can be overwhelming amidst all the thoughts that come up. The church provides a place where those with experience and knowledge can teach and comfort someone who is lost and confused. It is also a location that gives a person a plethora of opportunities to reach out to others in a safe and productive way. The church can also teach accountability to a person who needs somebody else to check up on them. Continuing on the idea that church provides an open and receptive community for people to turn to for support. Although a person can feel alone in his/her struggles, church allows for a common connection because everybody there looks to Jesus as a source of comfort. God may be the only One who comforts a confused and searching heart with full understanding. But, church members can share their experiences when God comforted them in their own personal struggles. It’s not a direct link of understand between the person and the consoler. But every church member shares the same type of connection with God. I personally feel that individual testimony is more convincing and evangelizing than a sermon. When someone is searching to find God, walking into a house of worship to hear a sermon is usually too unconnected to what they need. The difference in mindsets between the person who wanders in with a confused and injured soul and the “on fire”-ness of a large congregation is a gap that isolates the one who needs the purposes of the church the most. What tends to make it worse is the enthusiasm that some of those members display when they incessantly urge the hesitant “lost sheep” to accept Christ and join in the joy. I understand their aim of evangelizing, but the pushiness is something that bothers me greatly. It’s the lack of patience and waiting for His timing that is off target. For lack of a better metaphor, I think the pushiness needs to be turned into a cushioning reception of the person. Much like the way you’d catch a fragile object that fell from a high shelf. You can’t meet that falling object with a forward push-like motion; it will be damaged. The object can still be damaged even if you wait to meet it at a certain level, waiting for it to fall into your hands. In order to catch a fragile falling object without harm, you have to literally travel along side it in the same direction and at the same speed before you make contact with it. And only then, can you slowly absorb and redirect the momentum of the object until it is no longer in danger of shattering on the floor. I was fortunate enough to be introduced to a church thru the smaller more personal setting of a college youth group. I could relate to the struggles that the members of this group were going thru. We all shared the experiences

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

of college student life and the trials faced in that setting. Their personal testimonies of how God helped them were something that I could see as possibly applying to my own life. I think it was those small group sessions that got me to take my first baby steps towards accepting the ideas that I believe in today. Continuing on the church’s mission of reaching out to others, here’s the way I approach this subject: I don’t advertise that I go to church. Neither do I go about starting up religious conversations with everybody. Usually, doing such things makes people uncomfortable and close-minded... an argument may arise... and that’s just not the way to expose people to the subject, nor a good portrayal of the Christian I claim to be. Mutually getting into a discussion about it CAN be productive... but the opportunity to do that can’t be forced. It all has to be done with His timing. I think back to the scared and confused person I was a few years ago and put that Terri in the shoes of the person I’m talking to. Some people, like the Terri of old, need to be guided with “baby steps” while others can jump right in. But it’s all about noticing when an opportunity for discussion arises. Until then, I can only set an example in the way I live my life... be humble, law-abiding, kind, thoughtful, and rejoicing in knowing the grace and love that I live in. That last part is important... because many people think Christians put so many restrictions on their own lives that they don’t “have fun”. Who would want to be like you if you go about acting like you are living a miserable life? Now, this doesn’t, by any means, mean that I will be “perfect” and enjoy every bit of it. I will strive to be as Christ-like as I can... but I’m human... He wasn’t. Thus, the great realization of His grace... all that’s needed to get started is a willing heart that genuinely acknowledges it needs to be forgiven for its sins and imperfections.

~ The topic of the Church judging others gets me riled. A lot of times, I am disappointed by the judging attitude that Christians are often displaying, especially when it is directed towards people outside of the church. Yes, there are Commandments to follow, and yes there are “sins” listed in the New Testament to avoid. But I thought the great message of Christianity has to do with love, forgiveness, and grace. The Bible itself is filled with passages about not judging others. In other words: mind your own business! Examine your own sin-filled life and realize that you are not in the position to pass judgment upon another… because only God knows all. If somebody else’s actions are not harming you, then let them be. God will be the final Judge. Trust me, He’s better at His job than you are. Still, today we live in a society where the church seemingly condemns certain acts. Acts that don’t harm other people even. I think the church has overstepped its boundary. For a church to hold its own members accountable to certain standards is something different. But, for Christians to hold everybody they meet (and even people they haven’t met!) accountable to the same standards is an encroachment upon strangers. Condemning “harm-free” acts and thoughts is not the job of the church. Need some examples: homosexuals, premarital sex, etc. I’ll cover abortion/embryonic stem cell research in a later section. The previous two are mentioned as listed “sins” in the New Testament, which comes with the overriding attitude of condemnation from the church. But, I ask, what of the other “sins” listed in the New Testament? For example: drunkenness, being lazy, deceiving others… just to name a few. Why is it that the church has to make a big fuss about some so called “sins” and not others? And why is it that I get the feeling that a churchly person would look upon a drunk, who steals and lies and is living at a homeless shelter with more compassion than a law-abiding citizen who contributes to the community but is in a gay marriage. They’d be quicker to forgive the first person for stealing and lying, which are addressed in the Decalogue by the way, than the second person even though neither has denounced their so-called “sinful ways”. So, I guess that’s the one thing that bothers me the most about churches. Time to follow thru on what the Word says: don’t judge others, use the Bible to judge yourself, and God will take care of the rest.

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Science Science has become the accepted medium thru which humans seek to gain understanding of the truth. The scientific method of inquiry, experimental design, and reproducible results is how people confirm truth… a theory becomes knowledge. Science is a very useful tool to find the applicable relationship between cause and effect of happenings in this world. To me, science is a means to appreciate and understand truth, even if it may be thru the current paradigm, so that it can be applied for the greater good of people.

~~~ HOW SCIENCE MESHES WITH RELIGION IN MY LIFE In the end, I know that science will never explain my God away. Science can only confirm how awesomely perfect His creation is.

~ 10/3/2004 Most people equate science and religion as polar opposites. Faith has no scientific proof. Yet, science can’t disprove the basis of faith either. Many times there are no scientific explanations for certain events. But sometimes science can cause friction with my religious ideals. A chapter I read in Steven Pinker’s The Blank Slate involved whether certain people can be more inclined to “sin”. For instance, men are born with a more violent disposition than women... due to natural selection... those that could capture and kill for food had a better chance of providing meat for a family/group to survive. That makes sense enough. But, since they are more inclined to have a violent response to say somebody putting a dent in their car, it doesn’t mean that they will have no control over whether they punch the other driver or not. My question is: is it a “sin” to even think the thought of wanting to harm the guy who rear-ended you? It took a while for me to accept the thought that everybody ISN’T born with the same amount of “sinfulness”. Although we might not all start off equally, we all have the same opportunity to repent and accept Christ as a redeeming Savior. And so... I carry on... living with the unique burden I was destined to carry... but knowing that my burden is nothing in comparison to the one that was carried by a Lord so great and sinless, who died to redeem me for the faults I make everyday over much smaller burdens. Such mercy and grace... I again find myself in awe.

~~~ TECHNOLOGY Technological/scientific advances result in greater understanding of the world we live in… getting us closer and closer to understanding the truth of quite possibly everything. Such advances also result in higher efficiency. Now, to me this can mean two things: 1. Getting more work done in the same amount of time, and/or 2. Getting the same amount of work done in less time, aka: more play time . The same technology that promotes greater efficiency can also promote laziness. Somewhere, a person must find a proper balance between those two. Technology has literally placed the world at our fingertips. A person can have make and reasonably pursue more

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

goals than can possibly be accomplished in hundreds of lifetimes… all from the seat in front of the computer hooked up to the world wide web. There will never be a shortage of inquiry or means to pursue it. However, I think we’ve lost sight of the importance of the lack of efficiency… strange as it may sound. Actually having to walk/bike to the library to get a book did a person good. Having to call it quits when the sun goes down… forced a person to rest no matter how motivated they were. On the flip side…technology has also made us so lazy. Instead of going out and doing something to amuse ourselves, we can indulge in endless entertainment options with a few clicks of the remote or mouse. Again… is technology causing us to lose sight of what is important for a healthy, happy life? I just think people need to figure out when enough is enough and strike a balance.

~ In the last 100 years, technology has catalyzed scientific progress at a rate unexpected by even the most optimistic scientists back in that day. Yet, with as much as we have discovered and uncovered the mystery of, we still have so much more to learn. Technology that has allowed us to learn so much has also made us realize that we have just scratched the surface to understanding how this universe works. I have to remind myself that medicine, although it has come a very long way, is still far from being perfected. There are still a plethora of key unanswered questions and problems that are still incurable. It’s called the practice of medicine for a reason… the medical community needs to be constantly refining its methods and protocols to improve the quality of patient care. Medicine is definitely not a science. Even science is far from being thoroughly understood. Research has shown me that. Science is filled with mysteries that we still do not have the means to investigate the questions that we should be asking but haven’t even thought about yet.

~~~ EVOLUTION The way I see it: my belief in evolution and God can coexist. I will argue that God guides evolution. I shall now attempt to explain evolution in a nutshell (try http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evolution if you want a thorough explanation): subtle genetic changes create differences in generations of organisms over a very long period of time to create big differences. Pretty much, given ~4 billion years of time to allow for subtle changes to lead to big ones, I think it’s feasible to explain the diversity of life on earth from a primordial earth by the theory of evolution. Try thinking about 4 billion years of time; I can’t realistically imagine more than a hundred years or so. Some scientific evidence does exist for evolution, which is why I lean towards supporting it over creationism in what that has come to mean today. But hey, God’s first calendar week is not meant to be viewed as a human calendar week. Time in the Bible is not time as we know it, and that is written in the Word somewhere, I’m fairly sure. A so-called “week” to God might just be 3.99999 billion years to us. Nobody who can prove or disprove that. Still, I feel that even though there may be a scientific explanation for something to occur, the probability for such an event to occur is super duper tiny. My cell bio professor had some wonderful quotes from her first lecture about the probability and perfect fragility of life. For example: “The essence of life is a statistical improbability on a colossal scale” –Richard Dawkins. Even after 4 billion years of evolution... it’s still mind-blowing to think of the numbers. The chance that, by chance, everything happened the way it did... not a very good chance at all. And then there is the chance that the “beneficial” mutation is by chance eliminated before it can reproduce. Care to take a chance card, anyone?

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

EMBRYONIC STEM CELL RESEARCH In response to a friend’s blog containing the following quote: “Working with fertility clinics… from embryos donated by patients who no longer need them.” I like the way you worded it. The researchers weren’t the ones who created the embryos in the first place. They didn’t create embryos only to destroy them “in the name of science”. They utilized embryos that what would have been discarded after their something like a 5-year freezer-fresh period ended. So, I guess the blame lies more so on the fertility clinic “customers” who made embryos in-vitro. Well… couples usually walk in after several emotionally draining miscarriages before turning to such an option… a very expensive one at that. Anyways, as best as I know, the process involves a pretty serious surgery to remove eggs for in-vitro fertilization. For obvious efficiency reasons, they take out more than one egg during that surgery. Each of the eggs is fertilized in its own test tube and allowed to grow thru a couple of cell replication cycles. About four of the now embryos are surgically implanted in the uterus. With an approximately 20% success rate, they are hoping that at least one of those embryos does just that… and develops into a healthy full-term baby. Of course, all four of these might fail, and they’ll have to try again with 4-6 more embryos that were stored in a freezer shortly after the test tube fertilization. Logic tells you that these numbers suck. Four out of every five embryos given the chance to develop into a full-grown baby statistically don’t make it. Well… here’s the one thing I remember from Cell Bio last year: ~70% of natural fertilizations don’t result in a successful full-term pregnancy and birth. ~70% self-abort due to failure to implant in the uterine lining in time or fatal genetic mistakes like trisomy in chromosomes 1-20 (trisomy 21 = Down’s syndrome; pretty much take the number of Down’s syndrome patients in the world and multiply that by 20 to get a rough estimate of self-abort embryos due to fatal trisomies alone). Usually the would-be parents that were “trying to have a child” don’t know they’ve lost an embryo because it merely exits the woman in the next period. So, yeah, both natural and test tube methods have poor numbers. However, once a couple succeeds in having a child with the help of a fertility clinic, there are all those “no longer needed embryos” you talked about. Well, what should be done with them? Keep trying to have another baby, 4-6 embryos at a time, until the supply is exhausted? Umm… it’s expensive and adults have brains about the cost of raising a child when they aren’t caught up in the baby-making process. I’m not familiar with stories of poverty-line families with 5 in-vitro fertilized kids. Yeah… they make way too many embryos in the process of getting just one to fully develop. But, the science isn’t good enough right now to eliminate those “no longer needed embryos”. The cost of redoing the initial egg-obtaining surgery again just to cut down/eliminate “surplus embryos” is too high and painful and many will argue unnecessary for the mother to go thru. Shutting down fertility clinics until the science improves to the point of not making excess embryos doesn’t seem very feasible either. So, stemcell research opposers really should be trying to shut down the fertility clinics where the eggs are unnaturally fertilized, and embryos are stored with a high likelihood of never making it all the way to a kicking, crying baby. I really don’t see this happening in the near future. So, I truly feel we might as well make use of what’s going to go to waste anyways. I theoretically relate it to food that would go to waste if you couldn’t eat it all… might as well give it to a charity organization that will use it to feed the hungry. Yeah… you can try talking to infertile couples about adoption. But, you’ll have to admit it’s not the same to be able to look at the little ones and know they are your flesh and bones… half you and half your spouse. Still, “It’s a great thing to create a life, but it’s also a great thing to give a person a chance in life.” –Cari Goetz (my awesome friend). Moving on, it’s true: NOBODY knows when “life enters a person” and there is no scientific way to determine this. This applies for abortion as well. However, I found one verse from the Bible that alludes to whether an unborn child is considered a life: Exodus 21:22-25. The Message reads: 22-25 “When there's a fight and in the fight a pregnant woman is hit so that she miscarries but is not otherwise hurt, the one responsible has to pay whatever the husband demands in compensation. But if there is further damage, then you must give life for life—eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise.” 8 You can try comparing that to the other versions (NIV, NKJ, etc.) but even for the ones that say, “give birth prematurely”, I don’t think neonatal intensive care units were quite as equipped to handle preemies then. Still, it’s an interesting read. The way I see it, the embryos (in-vivo OR in-vitro fertilized) that actually do make it, purposefully make it all the way thru because of an incomprehensible, divine reason. God knows exactly when and which zygote, embryo, fetus, preemie, baby (maybe it can be different for each different person… nobody can prove or disprove this either) to bless with a “life force” or bit of Holy Spirit. But from the poor numbers, I don’t think God would waste His efforts on the earlier stages… where 3 of 10 make it is being generous. Still, that’s just what I think. God can do

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whatever He wants to. Until somebody can prove why and how He does what, I’ll rely on what I feel the Bible tells me and what I sense prayer tells me. But there’s the secondary argument of “I wouldn’t use an illegally obtained/immorally obtained item even if it would only go to waste”. Okay… I think that’s a personal decision as long as nobody is physically harmed during the process… a decision with consequences that are between that person and God. Given what I feel about that “when does life become life” argument, I personally don’t have qualms about the use of embryonic stem cells before they’re trashed anyways. But I’d like to take this argument a step further. Would you use something beneficial that resulted from an “immoral” process? I pray that this doesn’t happen, but what if you or somebody you cared about could benefit from a medical treatment developed using embryonic stem-cell research? Would you refuse the treatment if you know that it would ease their pain or extend their life? Tough questions. The answers are personal decisions, and I hope they will remain that way. Personal decisions, in the end, should be based on what God tells the person making that decision.

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Human Life “From the point of view of a planet’s life, the life of a living thing lasts no more than an instant. But, in the end, it is only themselves that humans can think of.” –Heero Yuy, Gundam Wing

~~~ FAIRNESS 7/5/2003 Patriotic holidays like the 4th of July get me thinking about this country and what it means to be American. After thinking about it all for a very long time, I’ve concluded that America is based on very idealistic ideas, for the lack of a better word. The founding of the country was based upon the belief that “all men are created equal”. Equality before the law, equal opportunities in education and in the workplace… they are all wonderfully idealistic goals to strive for. Don’t get the wrong idea, the American government and its people strive to make these ideals reality everyday. Charities fundraise to help the less well off get a chance to have the same opportunities as others. Financial aid is available for higher education… welfare… such programs aim to achieve the “equality” goal. Nevertheless, all efforts will never be able to create true equality. Not that I don’t approve of the efforts the people of this country take to realize their ideals. But, I believe that true equality can never be achieved. Discrimination will always exist as a part of human nature. People who are born into poverty will never have the same ability to get things (private education, security, luxuries, etc.) as those with wealth. Some people just have connections and can get things that normally can’t be obtained so easily. Handicapped people will never be able to activities that normal, healthy people can. Some may argue about this one… but I still see it to be true. They might be able to accomplish same tasks, but not with the same efficiency. For some people, it takes way more effort to accomplish something that someone else can do fairly easily. And for some people, no matter how hard they try, they can’t perform the same tasks that someone else can effortlessly do. My sports experience alone can vouch for all of these instances. So, all of this adds up to my conclusion that I think the phrase “created equal” is a utopian ideal that cannot exist in this world. If we were all created equal, then we’d all be machines and we’d all live in similarly boring boxes or something like that. That would suck. One of the great things about this world is its diversity. People live entirely different lives than others but they must all work with each other in order for this world to function. People will face obstacles that others won’t have to, and they will just have to make the most out of what they have. At the same time, those who are more fortunate must also make the most of what they have. Life is not fair. What matters is the effort that people take to do all that they possibly can with what they have. Everyday, I should remind myself to take advantage of what I have and not waste my time thinking about what I do not or cannot have.

~~~ PERSPECTIVE 1/1/2004 I’ve decided that the whole “there are two types of people in the world, those that see the glass as half-empty and those that see it as half-full” is wrong. There are way more types of people in this world. Here’s my take on it all. Okay... so my conclusion is there are FIVE ways for a person to look at the half-

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filled glass: 1. half-full; 2. half-empty; 3. less than half-full; 4. more than half-full; 5. in need of a refill. Usually, I like to think myself to be the person sees the glass as in need of a refill and goes and does something about it. However, sometimes I am afraid to “rock the boat” or upset people’s feelings by doing something. But, when I’m stuck into such inaction, I wonder if I become even more pessimistic than the glass half-empty person… instead seeing the situation as worse than it really was... as the glass being even more empty than it actually was. It’s something I should avoid doing. Besides there is still drink left!

~ 4/29/2006 Why me? Why like this? Why not another way? Why not like somebody else? Phrases like these come to mind when one is teetering on the verge of tears. Except... my tears aren’t those that come with hopeless despair... my tears are those that come with the amazement of receiving undeserved blessings. Why do I even wallow in my “misery” when I’m constantly reminded that I don’t have any real misery at all? And, it’s usually the people who have less who are more thankful more often... thankful for the things many people take for granted. It always bothers me when people still manage to complain about their lives with as much as they have. And here is where I get the prickly feeling creeping up my neck. I remember city ball practices... every player digging deeper to run another line... hustling after a loose ball. Nothing separated us from each other... we all were bruised up, sweating, and out of breath. And yet... once we got off the court... we all headed our different ways home. I knew I would be driving about an hour to get home to a delicious dinner and a nice comfortable bed in my own room. I also got the experience of having to drive a teammate home to a run-down apartment filled with several siblings... all supported by a single parent with a poorly paying job(s). That yanked at my heart then. But sports are an equalizer... just a bunch of individuals with the same dreams of playing ball to winning ball games, right? WHY is it that I got to go home to a Hollywood perfect family dinner and not what my teammate went home to? WHY is it that I was raised in a safe neighborhood with great public schools? WHY did I get this chance? It’s something I will never fully understand... but I believe the answer is that it is because God planned it that way. Yet... a line keeps popping into my head: “To whom much is given, much is expected.” I guess that comes from a spin-off of Luke 12:48b: “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” This puts some nervousness into me. Everyday, I realize a little more of just how blessedly fortunate I am... I see how much I have been given. And since I’ve been given so much... well the verse explains it. I feel that I have to make the most of it and pay it forwards. That last phrase has become my motto as of late: pay it forwards. That’s what I want to do. Pay forwards the goodness that I have undeservedly received. And medicine is a great field that allows me to do just that. I totally want to get out there and “heal” people... help them actualize a better quality of life. But this may just be me with my lofty dreams. And the world out there is the unfair one that I must attempt to work in everyday. I can’t let myself be dragged down by it either. This is something I’m scared of. I know my heart... I know what makes it ache. And yet I know I’m taking a path that will put me right there amidst my pain inducers. I need to stay strong and determined... even now.

~ In one spectacular moment, I saw my professor, who I asked to give me a letter of recommendation for MD/PhD training, give me his utmost respect: My prof: So, you are going to waste four years of your life doing work, that you will most likely never need to apply for your career, just to buy yourself time to decide what you want to do for your career? Terri: What’s four years compared to the length of a satisfying career?

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My prof: You never know, you can die at any moment. You may never get to that satisfying career. Terri: True, but at least I’ll be doing what I want to be doing when it happens. Better to die while being satisfied with my choices than to live a life filled with regret. My prof: *speechless*

~ 1/12/2004 There’s no going back. The clock can’t be rewound. I can only live This new life I’ve found. For better or worse, I’ve got to move on. All things happen for a reason. What’s done in done. So here goes nothing. I’ll find my own way, Living on hope and a prayer, that I’ll find true happiness one day.

~~~ KARMA 9/3/2003 I’d like to think that people get what they deserve... the whole karma thing. I feel that unexpected good things should happen to considerate people. The opposite should apply as well: unexpected obstacles and misfortunes should happen to inconsiderate jerks. Sometimes, it irks me when there is a lack of karmatic consequences happening to the people I know and meet. But, I know that I’m not in control of wielding the sword of justice upon all the inhabitants of the earth. Still, I find that I have a particular sense of seeing that the right thing is done. Even when being put in such a situation left me with several “not wrong” choices, I might be setting up a situation for someone else to be tempted to do evil. I try to choose a solution that results in good in the most efficient way while at the same time preventing possible evils that may have arisen from that situation. When it feels like there aren’t good things happening to good people, I get kinda sad. But, after thinking about it, I think it’s there. Good people just take it for granted. Many times I think that the person being “rewarded” feels that they don’t deserve to have such fortunate things happen in their life. They feel they aren’t worthy, or they think there is a catch to it. Something like that. Well, I don’t think the rewarddeserving people should deny themselves of the good fortune. I accept random acts of kindness and unexpected good fortune. Then there’s always the “criss-crossed arrangement” questions of “why do good things happen to bad people?” and “why do bad things happen to good people?” My answers to those are that the bad people get a chance to see how it makes a person’s day when something nice happens to them... hopefully inspiring them to be more considerate of others. Now, when bad things happen to good people, there is always a reason why. It may look like nothing good can come out of it, but all will be revealed in time. There might be a lesson to learn or a change in lifestyle that needs to be made. One example I can remember is when my

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dad was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. His health took a tumble. As a result he had to slow down his pace of life and start exercising. Now, several years after the diagnosis, he’s in better shape than before he was diagnosed. He started bicycling for a little each day. Now, he’s got up to about 30 miles every other day. He’s improved his eating habits as well. He’s been off the medication for at least a year now. Thus, a bad thing benefited a good person in the end.

~~~ GIVING 12/25/2004 All of the festivity of the holiday season got me wondering about what the “spirit of giving” is SUPPOSED to mean? I’ll tell you what it’s not supposed to be about. It’s not about toy stores making a bundle and pre-Christmas sales. It’s not about the mad rush to the mall and the one “tall man” finger salutes given in the parking lot and on the roads. It’s supposed to be about celebrating the birth of our Savior. For on this day, 2004 years ago, the One who was to redeem this world’s people of their sins was born. The One who was to GIVE His life for our salvation; He was born on this day. Oh what a glorious day indeed. And the greatest part of it all is that He did so willingly... without asking for anything in return. Even more, He did everything knowing that the very people He came to save would reject Him and accuse Him of sins. Condemned with death on the cross for sins that He did not commit... sins that were only seen as sins by jaded eyes. So, when you give somebody a present, think if you’re doing so willingly and without expecting anything in return. This year I knitted several scarves and gave those as gifts to a few people. I sent one out with one of the operation Christmas Child boxes that we prepared at youth group... boxes go to children in third world countries. That scarf was quite a piece of handiwork too. But, my mom always said, “What’s wrong with donating something brand new and perfect for once?” Anyways, my point is one should have compassion to give freely. To “sacrifice” is to give unwillingly (even just the slightest bit unwillingly). A conclusion of mine as well as a sorta of reminder to myself... helped along by a few good reading sources: the overall actions may be the same, but deep down inside, one heart is free while the other is bitter with grumblings. The doer of the action will only feel good if his intentions are pure. The beneficiary of the action is happy in either case. So, if doing something right and kind doesn’t leave you feeling good… then you need an intention readjustment. “Intentions are mixed / but the actions real” a quote from Of the Seven song “Awkward Song” 9 that makes me question myself and what I’m doing a lot of the time. Back to discussing Christmas. Remember... in the spirit of giving... in remembrance of the One who willingly gave His everything for us... may your holy-day be filled with the joy that enters the heart when you freely give to the ones you love and put smiles on their faces.

~~~ HUMAN THOUGH 7/8/2003 The power of thinking: humankind’s blessing, and his curse. Without the power to deliberate, reason, predict, analyze, etc. man would never have been able to achieve the marvels he has. However, what sets man apart from the animals is also what causes his mental suffering to be so much worse than that of the other creatures that walk this planet. No animals go around worrying about the effects of pollution or a deadly virus or a giant asteroid that will collide with Earth and wipe out all living beings. Such thoughts fill man’s head to the point that some just can’t handle it anymore. Man is truly set apart from the rest of the animal kingdom because of his superior thinking abilities. However, he has abused his gift. Man has

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created many destructive and detrimental things. He has devised ways to harm himself and other humans. All these things are not good at all. The power of human thought is an amazing thing. Like other forms of power, it must be used wisely.

~~~ HUMAN EMOTION 12/2/2004 Thoughts from the heart Inspired by Herman Melville’s Billy Budd, Sailor: “Cool heads vs. warm hearts,” which is better? The limbic system... the heart of human emotion is no less ironically located in the smack middle of the brain. Comprised of several brain structures, it can significantly contribute to one’s displayed behavior. It is a system that dictates many of our innate animal instincts like reflex emotional responses, mothers protecting their young, the seeking of a mate... etc. Many times the limbic system can physically cause responses in other organs... heart rate up... breathing rate up... the twisting knot in one’s stomach. As humans, we have been blessed with the proportionally largest portion of logical brain. Thus, we use this logical portion to keep us in check from doing something “dumb” that we might innately do... like umm... giggle at a person who has just dropped a plate of Jell-o on the floor (ok... a really bad example). So, many times we find our logical mind fighting the innate animal instinct inside: when a soldier is called upon, he must mask his fear; a mother has to let her child learn some things thru experience. But what happens when it isn’t entirely necessary (as declared so by society... I guess) for the mind to subdue the heart of emotion? One becomes torn... making excuses to one moment support the more logical side... and then another moment support the emotional side. One logically makes a list of pros and cons... giving each point a certain weighting. For example: pie tastes good... I want to eat pie... if I eat pie I will be happy and my taste buds will enjoy it... but if I eat pie I will get fat because I won’t burn off all those extra calories. You include more factors... I had a bad day... I deserve pie. Of course, whether or not to eat a slice of pie isn’t the dilemma that is weighing on my mind. Anyways, when the logical brain and the heart of emotions collide... somewhat of a compromise is made… and we get feelings. The logical brain can to an extent control our feelings. It cannot however, control our emotions. Emotions and feelings are not the same thing. I site this website (http://www.healing-arts.org/n-r-limbic.htm) for some support: “Emotions (from the Latin ‘emovere’ meaning moving, displacing) are, as its etymology suggests, manifest reactions to those affective conditions that, due to their intensity, move us to some kind of action.” So, when the impulsive instinct causes action, that is emotion. A feeling is just a “feeling”, a thought... not followed by action. A feeling already has influence from the logical brain... thus the amount of influence can be varied. Emotion overcomes the logical brain entirely... thus causing an innately animal-like action. “[Emotions] almost always... are short episodes, with slight or intense, concomitant or subsequent, repercussions upon several organs, that can set up partial or total blocking of logical reasoning. This can provoke, in the affected subject, a high degree of psychic and behavioral loss of control. Conversely, feelings are seen as affective states with a longer duration, causing less intensive experiences, with much fewer repercussions upon organic functions and lesser interference on reasoning and behavior.” How can one draw a line between feelings and emotions? The website authors give an example: “love, fear and hate are feelings; passion, fright and anger (or wrath) are emotions.” Now, those words listed under emotion can lead to actions that have some seriously regrettable consequences. Unchecked anger: see “road rage”. Fright: see “friendly fire”. So, when a feeling becomes all-consuming and results in action... we call it “losing our heads”. Everyone thinks it’s hypocritical for somebody against violence to “lose control” and beat somebody up after there was a fender bender on the freeway. Losing control of myself… it’s something I fear. To not be in control of oneself... as discussed at youth group... may lead to actions that you do not want to be

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representative of you, your family, your friends, your religious group... etc. This fear of losing control may be the biggest reason why my logical mind can stay one-up on my emotions. So, again, there is a battle raging between the logical mind and the innately emotional heart as which side of the feelings/emotions line one is behaviorally displaying. We may be able to control our feelings. But, as we’ve seen so many times, we cannot control our emotions that brew deep within us. Is there anyway to keep emotions in check? Well, from Exodus 10:27: “But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart.” It’s a line that bothered me in the past... and still bothers me now. Why would He cause such an action as the hardening of Pharaoh’s heart? But that debate is for a later day. For now, I’ll say that God can do what He wants because He is God. My point: an omnipotent God most certainly can control the irrationally fickle heart of a human. And so, faith in a Power that can control my emotions shall be my assurance that I don’t do anything dumb and regrettable inspired by an emotional heart.

~~~ MEMORY 8/22/2003 The word “scar” can be used in so many ways. You can cut yourself deeply and get a scar from that... or you can be “scarred for life”. There can be physical scars and emotional scars. Scars are marks that are permanent. They stay with you for the rest of your life, constantly reminding you of the experience you went through to get that scar. I guess they sort of serve as a warning to not making the same mistake in the future. When it comes to unpleasant memories, I believe a person should “forgive but never forget”. I think forgetting implies that what was learned from the experience is also lost, and that can be a very bad thing. Deliberately forgiving takes a lot of strength and laying to rest feelings of hurt brought on by another. But, to erase the memory might prove harmful if you happen to be presented with a situation that may make you the one on the other side of the incident where you are the one in need of forgiving. Memories can be wonderful, unsettling, or down right awful. The important thing is we take the lesson learned from each experience and use that to help guide our present lives. No matter what happened in the past, those events will not dictate what happens now or what will happen in the future.

~~~ PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE 8/3/2003 I’m going to attempt to answer the very hard-to-answer question about finding a happy balance between thinking about the past, present, and future. Over the years, I’ve seemed to have observed the following method of how people have struck a balance between the three. The amount of time a person thinks about the three changes as they age. As young adults, we have a past that seems to be a major part of our lives. However, when we compare our pasts to those of middle-aged people we realize that our past pales in comparison. Since our past in small on the timescale of a normal human life, we should not worry about it too much. We have a lot of future to look forward to and plan for. Yet, we must not pass up the good times when they are available to us now. Here’s my opinion, a person should always deal with the present first and then spend proportional efforts to thinking about the past and future as is proportional to where they are in life. Let me explain that a little better. The present is still the most important of the three. If a person doesn’t deal with the present situation, then the future will be jeopardized. What happened in the past wouldn’t matter either if a person cannot deal with the present.

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Ok… now to the proportional thing. Right now, we have a lot of future ahead of us… more future to look forward to than past to dwell upon/reminisce. So, as college students, we should spend more time worrying about our futures than thinking about our pasts. On the other hand, elderly people don’t need to worry about their futures as much as we do. They can happily spend a good portion of their time remembering fond memories from their past. Please keep in mind that you should never completely forget about the past. As much as you might want to forget some things (believe me I have a few of these), you must remember how you felt and what you did in order to learn from the experience. Pain is a very good teacher… i.e. if you touch a hot stove, then you will be more careful whenever you near the stove again. Alright, my conclusion is just a composite of a bunch of axioms: learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the present.

~ 7/16/2005 10 years earlier... I wouldn’t have made it 10 years later... I wouldn’t have gone thru what I did and come out stronger... with motivation and purpose Timing is everything... and His is perfect.

~ What has happened? We might know. What is happening? We may think we know. What is to happen? We have no clue. “I know not what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.” –Elvis Presley, “Known Only to Him”

~~~ DEATH This July 17th 2006 entry was a late addition to the collection due to a tragedy experienced by a family in the church I attended while at UC Irvine. Once again, I am reminded of the fragility of life so unpredictable. Death is a part of life. One’s own death is inevitably the last part of one’s life. But, the deaths of others will be a part of one’s life as well. It is a reality that we must all face: people are not invincible constants in our lives… people change… people break down… until they cannot be fixed. That deterioration can be a slow process drawn out over years as witnessed in a cancer patient, or it can occur nearly instantly when caused by massive physical trauma. No matter what the approach, the final result is the same. And it can come at any time in a person’s life… sometimes without warning. Nobody is immune from death. When people find out that someone dear to them is dying or that they themselves are dying, it tends to “focus their priorities. You find out what matters to them…[and] what they are willing to die for…” as the TV series House MD describes. In many cases, only impending death brings out the truth. People finally reveal their darkest secrets for they have no need to fear retaliation or because they wish for others not to live with regret or guilt. But, for those instances when death comes much too swiftly for truth to be revealed, what then? An insurmountable separation lies between those who know the truth and those who remain utterly clueless

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about that truth. Regret and/or obliviousness remain in those still living. The, possibly cowardly, inaction of people brought about their own separation from the truth. Nothing can be done to right the situation. Death is truly permanent when it comes to affecting the lives of people here on this earth. There is a saying about “living each day as if it was your last”. I would like to modify that to say: “Live each day as if it were the last day of everybody you know and meet.” I know it seems mighty messed up. But, think about it. Telling someone to live each day as if it was one’s last can put many selfish thoughts into one’s head… thought about actions they wish to do and not reap the consequences of. That’s not cool. But with my wording of the saying, that changes. People would still have to keep their futures in mind. They would have to make wise decisions about what actions they wish to take. Consequently, all those vengeful thoughts all of a sudden don’t matter anymore. Why get back at people if it’s their last (miserable) day alive? At the same time, wouldn’t there be so many other people you’d like to say something too… express your forgiveness towards, or reaffirm your love for. Even strangers you come across on the street… if you knew it was their last day… would you simply smile and be nice to them? I find it significant that I started writing this one thinking I’d be talking about death, but instead I ended up talking about living life… for life must go on. No person’s death can prevent another person’s life from continuing. It is that person who allows his/her life to stall. It is also the responsibility of that person to push forwards with their own life… continuing on their journey up the mountain mentioned in the preface.

~ Again, I quote this from the TV series House MD: “Personally, I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see… they’re all just chemical reactions that take place while the brain shuts down. There is no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life. I choose the outcome I find more comforting… I find it more comforting to believe that THIS isn’t simply a test.” I have no problem with people having that opinion. They should live it up and do all they can with their lives. For all intensive purposes, they were nothing before they were born, and they will be nothing after they die. It only seems fitting. I choose to believe in an afterlife (for more reasons than that belief is most comforting to me)… that Heaven awaits those who believe Jesus Christ is their personal savior. This is one of the few beliefs I hold without any personal proof. What I do personally attest to with my life’s experiences is the existence of an unfathomably loving God as the Bible describes. Therefore, I draw the conclusion that the afterlife described therein is also real. For God to be as omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, and perfect as He is, I have no doubt that His plan for His children is an eternity in Heaven with Himself.

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University Life THE TRANSITION AFTER LEAVING HOME In college, you learn to be independent and find what self-efforts will satisfy yourself. Nobody is there to remind you to stay focused or shape up. And, this doesn’t just apply to academics. It also applies to eating healthily (or not), the extent you clean your room (and even yourself!), etc. What amount of partying will you allow yourself and still be content with whatever consequences follow? On many issues, it’s about finding a balance between short-term pleasures and long-term satisfactions. Much of life is about finding a balance… between basically how much to work, play, and sleep in order to maintain one’s well being within a self-determined acceptability range. You get to set your own standards and find out if what you are willing to do is enough to meet those standards. Fortunately, terms allow a student to start anew and find a new balance after a quarter of improper prioritization. In college, you get many more chances to “get it right” without feeling too harsh of consequences than you get in real life.

~ One great thing about living on campus is that there are people who you can relate to. They take the same classes, feel the same stresses, and face the same life challenges. The experiences you share forge a certain common bond of understanding amongst all. At the same time, I realized that there was a much greater diversity in many “categories” for the people I met. Never had I been surrounded by peers more similar or more different. My experiences of sharing time and thoughts with these people taught me about issues I hadn’t heard about before in my life. I learned to look at the world from so many different perspectives. Although the view of a certain situation was different, I soon learned that we all shared common goals, motivations, and self-standards. That, in a way, was comforting to me… to know that there are people who “on the inside” are just like me but were given different situations to work with by the world. We did not judge each other by our differences. Instead, we curiously probed the question of why we were so similar despite our differences. I definitely met some wonderful and brilliant people during my time at UCI. My encounters with these peers encouraged me to overcome my fear of being different from everybody… encouraged me to accept my difference as a uniqueness I contributed to a community of people who were all eager to learn more about the many aspects of life.

~~~ GROWING UP 5/7/05 Growing up can be a good thing. You can become more mature. You can become wiser. But, it can be a bad thing too. You can take on more burdens. You can stress yourself out. But, growing up doesn’t mean you have to lose the child-like sense of wonder. The fascination is plainly evident on a young child’s face when he sees the beach for the first time. Maintaining a child-like outlook on the world makes even the everyday ordinary seem magnificent and breathtaking. This is not to say that looking at everything in a naïve child-like way is a good thing. That is just asking for hurt and disappointment. Growing older is something that time does to everybody. But, the key to growing up lies in losing childish characteristics. Growing up is being able to accept the world as it is and not throwing a hissy fit because it doesn’t conform to your ideal world. Growing up is recognizing your niche in it all and doing what you can about the things you can do stuff about without complaint. Growing up is being able to let go. Growing older is something that is inevitable, but growing up is a choice that everybody can make or refuse to make.

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~~~ CLASSMATES/PEERS 7/26/2003 I came to school with barely any ties to my hometown classmates who were also going to UCI. My good friends were all going to other schools. In the end, I think this was best for me. I would have tried to hold on to my past way more. I would have clung to the same people trying to maintain the same level of friendship with them. I’m sorry to say that that level of friendship was quite superficial for me. My friends from high school turned out to be just “wine and dine” buddies, as my mom likes to say. Even after years of friendship, I don’t feel that I can share the same things with my high school buddies as I can with college friends that I’ve only known for ten months. It’s sad. It’s not an insult to my high school friends at all. It’s just a straying of the paths of our lives that resulted when my way of life changed and they weren’t around to help me through it. Bringing me to my next topic: I knew that at college I would meet and befriend wonderful, bright young people. Still, all of my expectations were blown away. The friendships I’ve made during college are so different from the friendships I have with my high school friends. I know everybody recognizes this difference. And, it is sad that I cannot talk to my high school friends in the same way. I think it’s a matter of interdependence. In high school, I never relied upon my friends in the same way as I do with my college friends. I used to always bottle up feelings. I’d vent my frustrations on the basketball court. But, I never got to improve upon the situation because basketballs don’t give advice. I never thought that sharing my thoughts with others would help me. I think this outlook was engrained in my mind because of the way I was raised. But eighteen years of conditioning was overturned in these last nine months of the most independence and dependence that I’ve ever had. Now that I’ve only had my peers to turn to at times, I’ve opened up. I can at least gain the opinions of others and try to approach my problems from a different view. I’ve seen others go through this same process of opening up as well. Except, I think that my change was quite extreme because of my situation. I was raised never to trust anybody except God. But, I realize that to go through life that way is very lonely and hard to do. Now, I trust that God will lead me to trust those who are trustworthy.

~~~ ADMISSIONS Aahhh... the undergraduate admissions process. This topic came up at Honors Experience Day where I volunteered as a tour guide and lunch host. A lot of the parents there were asking me if the school reputation matters when it comes to getting into grad school or med school. I’m sure their children were offered additional perks/scholarship money from UCI but were also accepted to schools of “higher reputation.” They kept grilling me about my med/grad school application status. I seriously felt that they were picking on my failure to get into the programs that I had been rejected from... and I felt that they were blaming it on the fact that I went to UCI. I also got the feeling that they all thought their child was superior and was debating whether to choose a school with a bigger name take the offer from UCI that came along with a good amount of money. But hey... that’s what parents do... they think that only the VERY BEST is worthy of their child. So anyways... those vibes really annoyed me. I don’t like it when people judge me and my school without relevant facts. I constantly remind them that undergraduate courses are taught from the same textbooks. The professors cover the same topics. Ok… so maybe there are two or three times as many Nobel Laureates at your other prospective school. Do you think that scientist will allow an undergraduate student into their lab to do anything other than wash petri dishes? Umm… no. From what my friends tell me about their experience at more prestigious schools, I’m very thankful that I went to UCI. Their stories are filled with the impersonal manner in which they were treated by the system. There were no pre-

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healthcare career-advising sessions. UCI has an entire COURSE dedicated to pre-health advising. The research programs here were also wonderful and required students to give presentations, make posters, and write theses. And the honors program at UCI was superb. The staff knew my nickname when they saw me. I’m sorry; I’m straying from the topic. Getting into the school of your dreams requires your best efforts and even some luck. The undergraduate education is quite similar across the board. Standardized-test scores confirm this. Also, those preparatory classes are taught on/near every major campus. What really matters is that students make the most of the opportunities presented to them.

~ 8/7/2003 What rejection has taught me In a strange and twisted way, I believe basketball is one of the main reasons I went to school at UCI. Basketball is what made me take four years of Sports PE. Basketball is what sparked my interest in teaching/coaching. Thus, I wanted to be a math tutor for two years. I felt that learning how to teach bright and willing to learn students was a very important skill to have in life. To me, being a math tutor was much more important than being in AP Ceramics or the like. Basketball also indirectly led me to UCI because it caused my high school academic record showed a “not an exceptionally challenging” schedule of course record in comparison to others who went to my high school... I quote the counselor who in turn quoted the UCLA admissions representative she spoke with. I couldn’t “help it” when it came to taking PE for four years. And you’ve already got my explanation on the math-tutoring bit. Hehehe... I thought dedication to a sport and people skills were looked upon highly by admissions... guess they don’t know what 14 years of ballin’ can do for a person. Oh well... whatever. So, yeah, I began reminiscing that time during senior year when we got accepted/rejected by schools. I remember that day I found out online that LA had rejected me. Note: rejected means not even waitlisted. I went on the computer about ten minutes before the class I math tutored began. If ever there was a time when person goes completely numb, that was the time for me. For the previous month, deep down inside I was anxious about my getting into UCLA. Everybody I talked to about it told me that I had “nothing to worry about”. I started to believe them. I started thinking that my life-long dream of going to the school whose doctors saved my life when I was a newborn was going to come true. I started picturing myself in the crowd at the Rose Bowl cheering on the football team and at the one and only Pauley Pavilion cheering on the basketball team. All my dreams hit a wall that day. My best analogy is when you think you see and open door and start running at it… but end up running into a big glass door... that’s what it figuratively felt like. The feeling was refreshed every time I found out that one of my classmates/friends had gotten into UCLA. The one drawback of being in all of the honors classes: other people’s successes are shoved in your face to remind you of your own failures. My conclusion on this issue: admissions will never be able to know the entire story about each student they accept or reject, consequently they will make mistakes. Argh... I’ve strayed from the topic... I now return after those not so brief messages. Somehow, I held it together for that entire day of school. While I was in the car waiting for the daily traffic jam to disperse, I noticed the license plate frame in front of me. You guessed it... loud and proud: UCLA Alumni… Murphy’s Law haunts me everywhere I go. I lost it right then and there... just started bawling in my car. A fellow senior saw me and tried to comfort me. “I didn’t get in there, either,” he said. Well, I know he had good intentions... but he wasn’t particularly a “for sure you’ll get in” kind of a student. The part about the rejection that still gets to me is what my teachers and my counselor did after they had found out about it. I’ve never heard any stories about such things happening before with any other students. First thing that happened was my counselor called the UCLA admissions people. Now, you don’t know my counselor. So, I’ll explain. She was new the year before my senior year, a young, easy-going, and quiet lady. In other words, she was a newbie who never took a firm stance in the presence of the older, more experienced faculty members. So, back to the story, she called up LA admissions and demanded to know the reason for the rejection. She was livid when she found out their “not an exceptionally challenging” schedule reason. After that, my AP chemistry teacher called them. He can get quite angry… he hung up the phone on them after a few expletives. I was in the science office two days later discussing it

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with my AP chem., AP physics, and my one-time math teacher. They compassionately talked to me about their astonishment and all of the other great options I still had available. Later that day, my AP physics teacher pulled me aside during the ten-minute break we got in the middle of class. He looked me right in the eye and said that if there was one student who should get into LA for excelling in math and science it should be me. I objected that that honor belongs to the kid who was going to Cal Tech, but he cut me off mid sentence. Let’s just say, I’ve only cried once in a classroom… that was it. Silent tears of pent up emotion. Truly deep and intentional compliments are hard to come by in my world where successful results are “expected.” I am so thankful for the teachers I had in high school. They were great teachers, but more importantly they were great people. I think the whole experience made me a much stronger, more focused person. Finding out with the appearance of one website that you failed at something you’ve worked almost your entire life for makes a person stronger… or it breaks the person completely. I’ve always been a fighter. Major obstacles and disappointments are things that I work my ass off to overcome. True, it was a very humbling experience. But, I had to remember that I was not a complete failure. Other high quality schools had accepted me. They even accepted me into their honors programs and offered me scholarships. So, with people I highly respected supporting me, I looked forward to the challenge of a future I had never imagined for myself. In retrospect, I came into UCI with an attitude of quiet determination at first; I wanted to prove that I didn’t belong at UCI (apparently, rejection was not a humbling enough experience). By the end of the first week, that was exactly how I felt… except on the other end of the spectrum of where I thought I fell. I was quickly humbled into a state of awe of the other people in the honors dorm. Many of them had turned down UCLA or other prestigious schools to study at UCI. I think like half of the residents were valedictorians at their respective high schools. Dude… I didn’t even qualify for valedictorian at my school. But, I soon learned that whatever high school accomplishments we had didn’t mean a thing. In the eyes of our professors, we were all the same. We all had to develop our own study methods and figure out how to succeed in a new environment using whatever tools and experiences we had from our pasts. I liked this idea, and soon I didn’t even entertain the notion that my past could affect what I could and couldn’t accomplish at UCI. My past was irrelevant. What I did from that moment forward would be what contributed to my future in med/grad school. “Carpe diem” became my new motto. Now when I look back on it, I’m overly satisfied with how everything turned out. All this just shows that “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” –Albert Einstein. Only God knows why things happen the way they do when they happen, but sometimes we are blessed with moments where we realize just how glorious His plan was.

~~~ COMPETITION 10/29/2004 There is this drive inside me constantly pushing me to study a little more... to double-check the numbers. But, I think what that drive is fear: fear of failure… fear of losing my opportunity to get into med school so that I can make a difference in the world… fear that some selfish and greedy person is going to take my spot… somebody whose intentions aren’t proper. The topic of being super-competitive came up in conversation this week. The way I view school and competition is that I’m competing against the course. Much like golf. Do I care if you scored four points higher than me on an exam? Not at all... in fact... good for you. As long as I did what I could in the time given... then I have to accept the results that I get back. And I realize that there are only 24 hours in a day, which everyone budgets differently. I end with a quote: “Success is peace of mind which is the direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.” – John Wooden.

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~~~ COURSES AND EXAMS Thru experience, I have developed a generalized approach to courses. Basically, I’ve found that my brain usually needs several exposures of a concept before I understand it. Before a topic is covered in class, I try to take the time to skim thru the chapter in the book related to the lecture, usually the morning of or the night before. That way, when the information is taught in the class, I will have some idea of what the point of the prof’s lesson is. Later that day, or maybe that weekend (as I’m doing the homework problems), I will go back and thoroughly read the sections about concepts that remained unclear to me. I’ve learned that the more senses/ways thru which I obtain information/knowledge, the more it makes sense to me. Reading text is visual. Lecture is visual and audio. Making an outline/diagram is physical and also visual. Reciting facts out loud (via explaining a diagram to myself) is visual, verbal, and auditory. It may sound silly, but it works. I just close the door and tell my roommates that I’m studying. Teaching concepts to somebody else is the pinnacle: visual, verbal, physical, and auditory all at the same time. For me tutoring is the best way for me to get a solid understanding of a topic. I really think if concepts had distinct smells and tastes associated with them, I’d be able to recall them definitively with much less time devoted to imprinting the knowledge into my memory via the above methods. Unfortunately, I have not figured out a way to do this yet. I’m a diagram/outline person over flashcards (although, this might change in med school). I like to see how the individual bits of information are all related in a bigger picture. Sometimes I color-code my diagrams if there are recurring themes. Come exam time, I will hopefully not be completely clueless about any topics covered in the course because of my preparation before lecture and weekly review. Usually, I try to finish making a study guide two to three days before the exam. I review that study guide, suggested exam questions, and previous exam questions on the day before and the day of the exam. When it comes to sleeping or not sleeping, I have scientifically supported theories on that, which I learned during neurobiology class. Memorized facts are better solidified into one’s memory if the person sleeps undisturbed for at least 6+ hours afterwards. I will testify that this is true. Late night cram sessions the night before the exam are not as effective as early morning review/cram sessions followed by 6+ hours of sleep. As long as I get my exposure to the information I’m studying before that 6+ hours of sleep, I am better able to “solidify” that information into my memory when I see it again in the morning. I think maintaining self-discipline when it comes to time management is what it’s all about. Doing well in a course is a well-planned effort over 11 weeks. I found that those intro-day recommendations on study habits are true: for every hour of class, there should be twice the amount of studying outside the classroom. I break up that outside of the classroom time up into an equal number of hours per week during non-exam weeks and then an equal amount of hours of studying previous to exams during “study/cram time”. Discipline comes in during those nonexam weeks when I got up an hour early each lecture day to review the material to be covered that day. Discipline also comes in for studying those few days before the exam instead of just the day or two before the exam. And, the hardest discipline comes in the night before the BIG exam when I force myself to go to sleep exactly at midnight and wake up at 6:30AM to review. It doesn’t matter if my study group is only half way done with our study guide. It doesn’t matter if someone is desperately IM-ing me with questions. And most importantly, it doesn’t matter if I think I don’t know the material well enough. I don’t think I ever will feel completely satisfied with my understanding of the material the night before an exam. So, I plan out my schedule, and follow it. Going over my allotted time for studying can be just as detrimental as slacking off when it means losing sleep. And truth be told, getting up at 6:30AM on the day of my morning exam usually means I’m awake and alert by test time…without the need of caffeine. I remember learning from somewhere that the body needs two hours to “wake up”. I’ll want to take a nap by like 3PM later that day, but the test will be over, and the stress will be relieved. And I can’t stress enough how important eating a decent breakfast the morning of an exam is.

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MEDICAL SCHOOL ADMISSION AND THE MCAT It’s a marathon. For me, it officially started 5 months before the MCAT and ended 16 months after it began. “Officially” to me doesn’t include planning out my courses during my sophomore and junior years. For me, first thinking about med school came in high school. Actually doing something specifically about it came in sophomore year when I added my bio major and rearranged my four-year plan by jamming every MCAT subject-related course I could into my schedule before spring quarter of junior year, when I took that exam. My senior year course load looks pathetically wimpy compared to my 2nd and 3rd year schedules. Still, I’m glad I did that, because I needed a lighter course load while I traveled to interviews. Research was something that I started searching for after my sophomore year because of my required honors thesis. The one thing that I think I was not on top of was getting a significant clinical experience. Still, all those “suggested requirements” are only helpful if you truly want to be there doing that job. The letter of recommendation that you’ll get from that source will reflect your enthusiasm for that extracurricular activity. My approach to the April MCAT involved a lot of planning. I made a plan, and I stuck to it. I also had a friend hold me accountable. I truly think that one of the main benefits of all those MCAT courses is that they make you stick to a schedule to make sure you study every topic they feel is relevant to the exam. I bought a review book December and made a schedule to cover the entire review book by March. I started with the diagnostic test to see what subjects I needed the most studying in and hit those subjects first. The other thing I used were those practice MCAT exams that you can get at the AAMC website. They are the exams from previous years. Familiarizing myself with how the questions were written was key for me. I planned to take the four practice tests in a more “test like” atmosphere the closer it got to the actual exam day. Every four weeks I took a practice exam on Saturday… trying to simulate test conditions. The first one I took open note style without a time limit but I still kept track of how long I took. The next one I took with fewer notes and with the same time monitoring. The third one I took with no notes but without a time limit. The last exam I took “for reals” with time limits and timed breaks. The week after I took a practice exam, I’d go over the answers and note why I missed the ones I did. The following weeks were spent going thru my review book. There’s no secret. Basically, I made a plan and had the discipline to follow thru with it. I took my approach to classes and carried it over to my approach to the MCAT… thinking of it like a final. The AMCAS primary application was a very thorough application. Nothing unexpected. Secondaries were a little repetitive of the primary, but the essays were more in-depth and soul-searching. The maximum character count was something that gave me problems. I wanted to talk about so many things, but I had to word it succinctly and get my main points across. Still, I had a lot of help from people editing and revising my responses with me. Every secondary that I filled out went thru multiple revisions by myself and at least one other person. That was invaluable for me. Interviews were exhausting. I visited a different city every week in January. The questions they asked were very similar to those in the secondaries. I guess they wanted to confirm the experiences and activities I wrote about in the previous rounds of applications. I felt comfortable answering the questions; I got to expand on my responses in my secondaries about volunteer experiences and research. A lot of schools asked about how I handle stress and deal with failure. I also remember hearing multiple times the question about what I think are my strengths and weaknesses are. Traveling the country to go to interviews was quite an experience for me. I had only been to the east coast once before… when I was 3. So, it was a whole new adventure for me. The world all of a sudden got smaller. “Driving to the next state only takes thirty minutes one way and 1.5 hours the other way?!?!” was definitely a shocker for me. I also got to meet so many brilliant and hardworking fellow applicants. It was a strange sort of cordial interaction amongst the applicants. We all could do the math: the program has 8 spots, there are 12 of us here, and they hold these interview days like 8 times a year. The majority of the applicants I met were respectful of each other. Their research was amazing and their activities were awesome. I seriously think that most of the applicants who made it to the interview round were “qualified” and prepared to pursue an MD/PhD. To me, interviews were to determine which applicants would “fit in” the best at that school. Quite frankly, I actually think a lot of luck is involved. Aside from one or two absolutely outstanding applicants, it seemed everybody was about equal in grades and MCAT scores. I feel the interviews were primarily used to determine if the applicant’s personality would mesh with classmates and faculty (and to confirm that the applicant wasn’t lying on their applications). So, my selfadvice for interviews: give honest answers and be yourself, ‘cause that’s the person they want to get to know. When it comes to deciding on a school, make lists of pros and cons… reputation/rankings, cost, distance, weather, etc. Revisit the school… even if you have to miss a few days of class. Being happy the next 4 years of

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your life is more important than missing a few lectures. Get to know your prospective classmates, faculty, and university town. They selected you because they thought you’d fit in well there. Personally revisiting the school will make sure that is true.

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Asian Assimilation 7/26/2003 Coming to college, I also expected that I would learn about my Asian roots, since UCI is the Asian center of the UC’s. Instead, I got de-asian-ized by coming to UCI. Many people can testify to it. My emotionally removed way of life that I had coming into my first year of college is now completely gone. That way of life is “easier” on one’s mental psyche by far, but I’ve concluded that living in such a fashion is not “living” at all. Human beings were blessed/cursed with emotions that no other living organisms experience. As a human, I should not deny/repress the emotions that are a part of human nature. I am forever thankful to those who brought out this part in me that I had so long repressed.

~ 3/27/2003 I’m starting to realize and understand the assimilation process of myself, a second generation Asian American. In college, I feel a lot more laid back. Things still get done, but the atmosphere is a lot more relaxed. I guess this is a good thing. But, at home, the strictness results in getting things done in the “proper order”. It’s a clash of cultures that I have to deal with. Sometimes it’s good to do things more “American” while other times it’s better to do things the way I’ve been brought up. I’ve realized that I’ve been brought up to be a machine. Basketball training molded me into a cold-blooded automaton. Performing under pressure at the same level if not at a higher level than not under pressure. Having no emotions when the time for execution came. This has helped me tremendously in school too. I don’t panic that much… Still, the removal of emotion, or should I say the withholding of emotion, is just a repression of what is being experienced until a person breaks and the emotions overflow and flood out all reason sometimes. Cool and calculated one moment and then a raging fool the next. On average, yes, more decisions are made levelheaded. But, can they make up for the foolish acts performed when all logic was discarded? I don’t know. When decisions are made with a mixture of “heart” and mind on a more consistent basis, can the fluctuation between extremes be prevented or at least controlled? I don’t know. I realize that the way I do things now is a little less self-restricting than I used to do things. Maybe I’m not as efficient during the tasks. But, overall, I think I’m enjoying the process more and my overall efficiency may have improved because of it.

~ There’s a point that my mom pointed out ever so well the other day: Asian cultures have a long-standing tradition of respecting the wishes of those with seniority. Children are considered well raised and filial if they obey their parents’ every order and suggestion. In most cases, experience does prove invaluable when it comes to giving wise, accurate input about what should be done in a certain situation. However, this doesn’t mean every situation a youngster faces will be accompanied by knowing, unflawed advice from a parent or other older family member. Many of the situations that second generation Asian Americans like myself face were not faced by our parents or grandparents. They know just as much about how to handle the situation as we do. If our solutions are different and there is disagreement and I still chose my plan, does that mean I am a bad, disobeying child? No. It means there was a difference of opinion. What I was taught by the examples in my life, combined with my logical reasoning (hopefully), led me to take the course of action that I did. I’d only be a bad disobeying child if I didn’t follow my parents’ advice just to spite them and cause them strife. That’s just… deplorable. Sometimes the conclusions we draw from others’ advice is superior to advice given to us by the people that love us the most. We need to recognize these situations. It is a very hard task, and sometimes the convincing of those who “only have our best interests in mind” that they are proposing a not-so-great suggestion is an impossible task. That is when we need to assure them that we are doing this not to spite then, but because we truly think it’s the best course of action to take.

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Moving on, I find there is a range of cultural acceptance from generation to generation in a family that has immigrated to the US. I can see how my ideals and expectations differ from my parents’, which in turn differ from my grandparents’. What each of us considers important in life differs. Sometimes, those differences cause clashing and arguments. What we feel are our obligations to each other differ as well, and that can be an instigator for dispute. However, I realize that our fundamental beliefs are the same. We all want each other to be healthy and happy. So, if my parents would like me to do something, and it won’t put a great strain on my life, I will do that because I love them. They have shown they love me unconditionally… they have done so since the day I was born. Although there seems to be a reciprocal motivation for me to pay back what they’ve done for me, I realize that I feel more self-satisfied when I do things for them out of the goodness of my heart and not because of any obligation I have to them. Dragging my feet only makes both them and myself miserable… I make myself miserable and they are miserable to see me miserable. What matters is that we do things for each other out of the goodness of our hearts without expecting anything in return. In the end, I know I have more American ideals than my parents do, as is the relationship between them and their respective parents. Like my parents, I may never allow myself to fully realize all my ideals because I willingly want to put some of my parents’ ideals before my own. That’s the life I choose to lead because without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today. When it comes to my children, I believe I will love them enough to let them pursue their own dreams and ideals (within reason) if they conflict with my interests/plans for them, which is exactly what my parents tell me they did for their parents. At the same time, I’m also hoping that I do a good enough job of raising my kids that they will also have this outlook on our parent/child relationship.

~ 1/22/2004 I think that part of my “Asian problem” was that I put the pressure on myself to live up to the Asian super-student stereotype. I’ve created/imagined the pressure as coming “silently” from my parents as well. SO many times today and in the past they have stressed that they just want me to try my best and be happy. It may not even be the Asian thing. It might originate with my love for sports. It only mattered if you were the best... the fans only cheer for the winners... the champions. When I played ball, I always practiced with the intent on working to become the best player out there. It reminds me of Nelly’s “Number One” 10: “What does it take to be number one? / Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers.” That’s how I’ve always functioned. But now I realize that I can’t always achieve what I set out to do. And, I feel like I’m disappointing more than just myself. But, I guess I am just disappointing only myself... the one person I have to live my entire life with... the one person who sets ridiculously high standards for myself. I’ve always forced myself to never be satisfied with what I’ve accomplished. Again, I turn to sports for an example, the moment a “champion” takes a break in the off season, is the moment when somebody just below him continues to work hard and train... so that when they play each other in the following season, the player who was not satisfied with where he stood and had improved will be the one that wins the match. Michael Jordan never displayed trophies until he retired. He claimed that if he had, he might have gotten caught up in his own glory and taken it easy. He would have slowed up and not continued to push the envelope on the leading edge of the game. Yeah... I don’t display any certificates or plaques of achievement. The only things I have on display are from karate and basketball... both activities from which I have “retired” so to speak. Anyways, I’ve concluded that I have a hard time with allowing myself to ease up. A person can only do so much in 24 hours. I need to take comfort in my, in a way karmatic, belief that if I continue to be a good person, then the decisions I make and the things I do won’t lead to disastrous results.

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People TRUST Trusting in Perfection that is not flawed... I can do that. Trusting someone flawed, I myself being flawed... so hard. Trusting that Perfection can show a flawed me to be able to trust in another flawed person... how my mind and heart struggle.

~ 3/17/2004 Here is something I made a little while ago for my AIM profile: Someone please rid this bothersome fear, This nagging voice that whispers in my ear. Make it go away and never ever return. Give me the peace of mind for which I yearn. Someone please remove this film from my eyes, So I can finally see clearly and recognize. That people are judged by what’s in their hearts And not by the sum of their possessions and parts. Someone please restore my faith in humankind. Show me what I’m searching for but cannot find.

~~~ TRUTH AND LIES 7/25/2003 People should never lie to a person when talking about that person. Even if the truth hurts, it still needs to be known by that person because it will affect him/her later on in life. Not telling the whole story about a person to that person can be just as damaging as lying to that person. Withholding information can cause a naïve and false state of assurance. That sucks… because a person can live without knowing the truth. Life is a journey in which a person searches for truth and happiness. It wouldn’t be a life if the truth about a person were withheld from that person.

~~~ CONFLICTS Interpersonal conflicts are hardly ever entirely the fault of one party... HARDLY EVER being key... as I have learned so many times. Usually, steps could have been taken by both parties that may have prevented the situation

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from developing into the mess that it becomes. We normally associate such conflicts as the result of an inciting act carried out by one of the parties. Experience tells me that the build-up previous to that deed was what allowed it to push things over the edge. Both actions and inactions performed or withheld by each side allowed the situation to prolong itself and escalate until one final act causes a tailspin of unrecoverable badness.

~~~ SELF-DECEIT I once got into a semi-debate with one of my roommates. I claimed that it is bad that people overestimate their own abilities because it causes disappointment when failure results. She claimed people needed to have confidence in themselves to have the motivation to even start a task at all. Reevaluated now, I guess that “overconfidence” may be a little helpful if it’s only concerning an individual’s personal goal. But, man, the moment that individual’s actions affect a group of people then bad stuff can happen... the entire group suffers when the individual can’t accomplish what s/he thought could easily be done. In my book, there is no excuse... no getting out of the blame... no puppy-dog eyed, cutesy smile and giggle and you’re out of trouble. Dude... that’s BS. And the fact that you may have tried your hardest and still failed... doesn’t mean JACK S*** to me... results are needed. The pity I will have for you will not compare to my feelings of disappointment and frustration due to lack of results. Working 20 hours at a project and getting no results is just as productive as not doing anything at all... save for learning what not to do! Effort ultimately doesn’t matter in this world we live in. Life isn’t a movie where the hardworking, good guy always wins in the end. This is the real world where much of life isn’t based on efforts… it’s based on results.

~ 11/15/2003 Why is this world full of deceitful people? Why do people put up fake fronts? Why do people lie when they don’t even have to? Is it a pride thing... where they don’t want to admit to themselves what they really are? Why can’t people just accept the fact that life is not fair? Why can’t they just live with what they have and what they have gotten themselves into? Why won’t people be brave enough to face the mess that they’ve created?

~ 1/15/2004 I’m really mad at the world right now. I don’t get it. Why do people do things that they know will make them unhappy in the end? I see this happening all of the time to “good” and “smart” people. This argument comes up all the time in discussing things like drugs and alcohol... it’s a temporary relief that people seek when they are stressed. Instant pleasure that lasts for but a few minutes is not worth the endless worry and suffering that result. I guess it can best be summed up by my 11th grade Mr. Gerald Pickett: “People in general are stupid.”

~ I came up with a witty saying: “Your neighbor’s lawn is always greener because you make your dog crap on it.” It’s true… people are often the source of their own misery.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

7/15/2003 Looking for Answers All my life I chose to remain naïve. The truth was never something I was willing to receive. But, I refuse to remain in the dark anymore. I’m gonna search for answers so that I can know for sure What the whole truth is about me. When I’m done I want to be question-free. I wanna learn stuff ’bout myself that I never knew, So that I can make decisions about what to do. Decisions that will affect the rest of my life. Decisions that could cause great joy or strife. Now, I set out on my daunting task To answer every question that I did and didn’t dare to ask. I know that I most likely won’t find a solution But I know I’ll find my way out of this confusion.

~ 7/8/2005 My thoughts lay scattered on the ground, Shards of a once magnificent image. The remains are broken pieces of what was just my illusion. Now vanquished is the world I so carefully created. Can I progress beyond the plane of my destroyed boundary? No longer will I peer out from my wrecked cage. It’s time to take a step out of this artificially lit enclosure. The true Light of the world beckons.

~~~ UNPREDICTABILITY 5/20/2006 Some things you just don’t expect to happen... not because you know they can’t physically happen... but because all your experience tells you otherwise. But, who says that the past is an infallible predictor of the future. Especially when it comes to human behavior. People change. They might one day do something you would never have expected them to do in a million years. All of a sudden a million years becomes more like a year or two... maybe even months... whatever. I have to accept that people are susceptible to change. I wonder if it’s easier to accept that if they change for the better or for the worse. I mean... you can hold on to idea that they can’t be trusted from their past track record or you can hold on to the idea that they still have a stalwart character and just made a freak mistake. I also wonder which is more detrimental for both the changed person and the speculating observer. Anyways, that was a side note. When I think people change, maybe I get wrong the extent to which they’ve changed. For instance, maybe they really haven’t changed at all, and I’ve just gotten to see a previously hidden side of them. Maybe, I’m just learning who they REALLY are finally.

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I feel it’s a good thing to have people to look up to... whether they are parents, peers, or even wellknown, accomplished people you don’t personally know. People who should be emulated in the things they do and how they do them. However, I have to recognize that they too are flawed, and that only the good things they do should be emulated. When people disappoint me, I tend to devalue the good things they still do... and that’s unfair. A person should be acknowledged or praised for the things they do well and reprimanded or considered a liability for their faults. I just realize how messed up it is that I probably will think more highly of a worthy act from person who’s been disappointing in the past than a similar act by a person who’s had a consistent track record in my mind but has lately disappointed me. But that’s what disappointment does. It makes you feel as if you’ve been deceived in a bad way for all the times in the past. A person dispelling a bad misconception by a good deed, although I’m still wary, leaves me feeling hopeful. I think this way of thinking is only natural. Back to where I was going about role models. They are good to have. But, it’s also good to remember that they are human and make mistakes. Not everything they do should be copied. But when they do make an unworthy of copy mistake, they fall off the pedestal you (unfairly) placed them on in your mind... and they can never get back up to that place again. I mean, how many “good” people are not given enough credit because they made one or two significant mistakes in their lives. They will be remembered for their one big blunder and not the numerous good things they’ve done. Sad... but true. I want to try and give these people, who have “unearned”, my utmost respect, the respect and credit they still deserve. I could have just been dumb and naïve for giving them too much respect in the first place. But that’s something that I seem to have overly undone. It’s time for me to find the proper balance.

~~~ IN RELATIONSHIP TO SELF AND KNOWING WHEN TO DRAW A LINE Comparison happens. Everybody does it constantly… consciously or subconsciously. It’s human nature. My take on it is that it can humble a person or ruin a person. My personal experience of this will always be in the back of my mind. When I got rejected by UCLA, I was crushed. I looked at my friends and classmates who got in and wondered where I went wrong and why they were “better” than me. But all that longing for something I didn’t have was a dreadfully wrong way of looking at that situation. After just a year at UCI, I know why I was meant to come here. Things all turned out for the best. The lesson I learned was that there will always be people out there who are smarter and better at things than me. Then again, I forced myself to turn around and recognize that I wasn’t a complete failure. I learned that I have to make the most out of what I have. I have my talents… you have yours. Maybe I can do X well… but you are a master at Y. If everybody could just get past the illegitimate and unhelpful feelings of bitterness and envy, the sum of harmoniously working talents combined is far greater than the sum of the individual contributions. The same thing can apply for comparing material possessions. We see all of the wealthy people and wonder why they can have it all. But we must also look the other way. We have to recognize that there are human beings who are starving and suffering in poverty. In the end, we have to be thankful for what we do have. Always remember to be thankful for what you have while you simultaneously humble yourself when you observe what you don’t have. Falling to far towards either side can have wretched consequences. Most people can testify to what longing for the unattainable can do to one’s psyche. However, I must stress that having constant feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem can also be bad as well. People have to find their niche along the spectrum to maintain a healthy balance to live a goal-driven, content life. Here’s one of my favorite quotes by legendary basketball coach John Wooden that reminds myself I can only gauge my own progress with my own measuring stick: “Success is peace of mind which is the direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”

~

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Heart Softener The one characteristic I happily thought that I got rid of as I matured during my first year of college was my detachment from others. But, it came back to haunt me. I described it in a journal entry from 5/12/2004: At times, instead of just offering a helping hand, I’m started to think about whether I’m really helping or not… to wonder if my helping is really a hindering in the long run. I used to not mind people using my notes or my help. But, now, I get this feeling that sometimes it isn’t right to help. That I’m just going to watch the people I’m helping develop a bad habit of relying on me. And then there’s the whole thing that I only want to help people deserving of help. I guess that falls under the same category as those who really need help versus those that just take advantage of me. Yeah... what defines a person that really needs help? In my mind, a person that’s tried mighty hard to do all that they can possibly do before turning to somebody else. Yeah... but I have pity now though... if someone does him/herself in, I’ll bail them out a few times. I guess my problem is that I worry about things that I cannot control. I can’t control other people. I think the solution IS NOT that I should stop caring, but that I should stop worrying because I know Who is ultimately in control. Yep. I just need to sit back and watch as He makes everything right in the end. Dude... I saw it happen right in front of my face... the reckoning caught up with the culprit. A person can only run from the world for so long... can only shut out reality for so long... before s/he is forced to see the truth. And, the truth is a glorious thing.

~ 1/8/2005 It took a while for me to tell myself the things I’ve been telling others. It’s funny how the advice we give can be so useful if we gave it to ourselves as well. I finally got myself to listen to my own advice: “The only person you will have to live your entire life with is yourself; the only person you are ultimately responsible for is yourself.” I guess I always counted myself as an exception to that rule, somehow. Maybe it was being team captain for the bball team... kinda having to be responsible for everybody on the team. But hey... life, in the end, is not a team sport. No “group tests”, etc. Quite possibly for the first time I realized that I am the one letting other people affect me. I mean... you can be at the wrong place at the wrong time and be caught in a bad crowd, but the actions of others don’t represent your actions or intentions. If an observer assumes it does, well screw them, they don’t know jack about you and to come to such quick conclusions means their opinions are quite worthless. What matters is the opinions of those that know you for who you are. In the end, the One doing the final judging will not allow the incriminating evidence of those around you play a role in deciding your fate.

~ From my 8/28/2005 journal entry (during the med school application process): My heart aches... my soul screams... I feel helpless... while I am on the verge of taking the next step to a career of helping people. Even then, there are many cases where a doctor can’t do much at all. When I was little, I had the perception that doctors could fix anything that my mom couldn’t make better with a Band-Aid and a kiss. On one of my first days volunteering at the doctor’s office, the Dr. told me that disease and death are normal parts of life. Doctors can’t heal every problem, and they most certainly can’t stop death. Only one Healer can overcome the power of death... it wasn’t an easy 9-5 job at that, either. Even so, I help when I can. Right now, I’m limited to slave labor... I mean... unpaid work... actually I’m spending money to do this stuff... but whatever. The point is that I do what I can... try not to pass up little convenient “helper opportunities”... like give a hand to neighbors moving stuff, put shopping carts back, etc. And yet... some people don’t want to be helped. I for one get into that “no I can deal with it myself” mode when I manage to get myself in a mess. But man, some people knowingly seek out problems. Dude, I was watching the news coverage on Hurricane Katrina today. There were scary live footage shots of some

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beaches down where evacuation orders had been given. In those live camera shots were several surfers... taking advantage of once in a lifetime surf conditions... caused by a category 5 hurricane. I guess it’s for these people, in such cases where despite everybody else’s best intentions and concerns for them, and they still deny a helping hand, that I must accept my incapability to help. In Sunday school today, we were discussing what we thought His grace meant to us. I said something about how His grace is the biggest and best part of His love for His creations. And now, I realize even more what this could mean. In the case of those who deny all help... He can still shower His grace upon them. Like... it can’t be stopped, no matter how much a person may will against being helped. Grace can go unrecognized... as it does everyday, unfortunately. But, I seriously just gained a better understanding to how great a thing His grace is. So satisfying it is to put my faith in such a wonderful and loving God, knowing that He will take care of whoever it is that needs a Protector and a Healer. For “the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.” – Relient K. 10

~ 10/8/2005 There’s some Chinese saying that kinda goes along the lines of “I walk with two men: one a wise scholar, the other a rotten crook; both are my teachers.” The point of the story is that you can learn from both good and bad examples. Try to emulate the good things and refrain from doing the bad. And, yes, this world has a lot of bad in it... very depressing, indeed. No shortage of great examples of what not to do! Ranging from the really bad stuff that makes the national news headlines to the everyday stuff that makes everyday people miserable. I learned to abhor it all. I was taught to abhor it all. Don’t hurt others, don’t break the law, don’t do drugs, don’t get drunk, don’t lie, don’t be selfish... etc. The stuff my parents taught me not to do and not to condone. The acts that I should denounce and turn my back on... fleeing from the “bad crowd” that could influence me in the wrong direction. But, here I sit, wondering if I have taken this concept to an extreme. I already avoid the “wrong crowds”. Anyhow, I wonder that if I develop such a reflex for turning my back on such not so great actions, that I will lose my perspective on the reality of this world: that such stuff happens all the time out there. And, in my best guess, they happen roughly in increasing frequency for the acts listed above, which would make sense in a world where every person has some sort of conscience. The degree of guilt felt is in direct proportion to the amount of punishment lawmakers have assigned for each bad act. The ability to forgive someone who has commit one of the listed acts also gets easier as the list progresses. Yet to me... as my conscience tells me... every one of those acts is to be avoided... for all of them are sinful in some sort of way. Somebody gets harmed as a result... or is it that nobody gets helped? Are those the same... no. So, am I a two-faced hypocrite for setting a different standard for myself? Saying “meh” to people telling white lies and having a few too many shots, but then avoiding said acts like they are an infectious disease? Don’t take me wrong... I am not condoning these actions. I’m rationalizing to myself that these things do happen... and it’s not the end of the world. The Bible is clear about what not to do. It also is pretty good at suggesting what to do as well. Should equal weight be given to both types of directives? Something in my heart has burdened me to believe so. But maybe that is where I’m wrong. I never said I couldn’t be wrong. Maybe I’m too harsh on myself... and apparently dragging myself down because of it. Maybe I am the one who needs to refocus and find that balance between allowing myself to not be “perfect” and still striving to do so.

~ Don’t let YOUR world whiz pass you. Recognize what happens in it. Then finally, recognize your role in other people’s lives. Do you play a tiny part? Do you have an inconsequential role? Do you want to be the character that adds importance to somebody else’s movie... the one that sends a message to the main character... the one that makes the theater audience re-evaluate their lives? All the while, remember: you are the only person who will have to directly deal with the consequences of your actions/inactions.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

~ So, when I think about how I try to place myself in relationship to the other people in my life, I’ve learned exactly what my 7th grade PE teacher Mr. Kennedy told me, “The only person you have to live your entire life with is yourself.” My response was, “what about your conjoined twin?” Funny... haha. Well, we both missed another... it’s a personal choice, but I can live the rest of my life with Him by my side.

~~~ FAMILY From 12/11/2004: It’s strange how the ones closest to us are sometimes the ones that are the hardest to talk. Why was it so comparably easy for me to talk to my friends who I've known for but a tenth of my life when it seemed all but impossible for me to speak to my own mother who has known me for as long as I’ve lived? After more than a year of hesitance, I finally wrote an email to my mother connecting past, present, and future. Finally, after more than a year, I am able to share thoughts that I once believed were but childish and frivolous in her eyes. I cried this morning when I talked to my mom. I guess it was over all the time I had kept my thoughts to myself and not felt comfortable to share. I was scared for a reason that I still can’t explain… Nearly two years later, I think I can explain what I was so scared of. I was scared of ruining my image in the eyes of my parents… the two people whose opinions I care about the most. I was afraid they would see me differently if they knew the whole truth about what I thought. I was scared that they would even treat me differently too. But, then I realized, that they are my parents; they would love me no matter what I thought, no matter what I did, and no matter what I accomplished. That is the unceasing love that binds families together.

~ Family. I know I share a lot with them. I share money, possessions, food, and genes with them. I also share my joys and sorrows, triumphs and failures, and thoughts with them. They in turn share the same with me. Other commonalities that we have with each other are our morals and standards. I wrote earlier in this section about my struggles to draw a line between my life and the lives of others. I have to ask myself, does family count as “others” too? Or are they part of me as I am part of them? Am I allowed to impose my personal standards (which are very similar to theirs) upon them and let them know about it when they are screwing up? Does it matter if they are older than me or not? Does only immediate family count? I feel there should be overlap in monitoring immediate family members (those with whom you’ve lived in the same home). Individually, we all try to keep ourselves in line, but sometimes we fail to see an important flaw in our lives. That is where I think family members play a key role in pointing it out. They need to have the guts to say it too. You know they only mean the best for you when they say stuff. Also, they can keep you from getting proud and over-confident in your capabilities because they’ve seen your many failures. Like, I know my parents are proud of what I’ve done, but many times when I talk to them, they are always pushing me to do better. The number of “good jobs” to the number of “how did that happen” I hear from my parents is heavily in favor of the latter. They impose the highest standards, their own self-standards of utmost efforts, on me. I try my best to try and meet those standards while keeping in mind that I know they will still love me if I come up short. Likewise, I feel it is only right that I should give my input on issues concerning my family members if I have founded input to provide. Here is the only case that I feel it is acceptable for me to overstep my family members’ boundaries… the same boundaries I promised I would not let others breach concerning myself. At this point in my life, I have gained some experience and knowledge. I feel that this knowledge might be helpful for my family members in certain situations. If they ever look like they need it, I won’t hesitate to provide it.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Still, we are all separate individuals in the end. Whether or not we heed the advice given to us in the end is our personal decision.

~~~ FRIENDS So many times, it was my friends who kept me sane… who kept me from falling deeper into the rut I was digging myself. They were the voice of reason when I had thrown sense out the window. Friends, like my family, have been there to share in my joys and sorrows. I seek them out for advice and am usually astonished by their wisdom. Other times, friends are there to share a conversation about subjects you are both interested in. Sometimes, you can be around friends more than around family. Still, my friends are not my family. I’ve only known them for so long, and there are no family bonds that will hold them accountable to honor my dignity. Friends can get into fights and that friendship will never be the same again. Or, it could just be that you go separate ways after college and no longer share similar interests. There’s nothing left to hold the friendship together, and so it disintegrates. Knowing this, I hesitate to treat my friends like family. I’m a little more wary of their advice because they don’t truly know where I come from and what I’ve been thru. Also, I’m hesitant to give them advice because of my lack of knowledge about their situation and experiences. I developed a “give only if asked… divulge only if comfortable” view with my friends. I’m beyond the days of “trading secrets” and “truth or dare”. If my friend doesn’t want to share what is bothering her, then I respect that; I also expect them to have the same sort of respect when it comes to not prying into my thoughts. If one of us wants to share and one doesn’t… we should respect each other enough to hear out the one and just be there for the other. Maybe this is where I fail when it comes to being a people person. I set very safe boundaries and I do not cross over them. I don’t initiate very well when it comes to divulging and prying into thoughts. Your thoughts are truly yours… known only to you and God. You can think horrible thoughts, and as long as you don’t express them, nobody will think you are a horrible person. There is the fear that if somebody knew my innermost thoughts, then their opinion of me as their friend would change. I don’t want them to think less of me, and I don’t want them to pity me either. I figure I’ve put in the effort to develop friendships to where they are and I don’t want to do something dumb to waste all that effort. But then, the thought occurred to me: if they are true friends, no matter what I tell them shouldn’t change their opinion of me… like my outlook on intra-family relations. If they are affected by learning my truths, then they aren’t the kind of friends I should be sharing my deepest thoughts with. Friendships are what you make of them. You have to work on them. Some require more work than others because people have different comfort levels. Thus is life: people are different. If you want to be friends with different people, then you will have to accommodate and adjust according.

~ 5/27/2006 So... I’ve been reflecting on this thought for quite a while: unequal reciprocity. I’ve noticed that throughout my life there’s been a trend of unequalness when it comes to what I think of my friends and what they think of me. Like... even going back to those middle school days of hanging out with my best friend after school... those “serious” conversations: “who’s your bestest friend in the whole world?” As the years went by, my answer was never reciprocated by the person I named. Even now... I wonder. And then I wonder more. I know I’m not a social butterfly. Heck, I’m not very good with words in general... unless I have plenty of time to write my thoughts out... and even then... hum core says that I’m no master of words and thought conveyance either... whatever. But yeah. It makes me wonder if I’m not being a very good friend sometimes. I mean... I rarely talk to people from my high school. I don’t call on birthdays... if I remember... I’ll send them an AIM. Usually, I don’t remember... and I don’t check my Facebook often enough to see the reminders. Bleh... now I feel bad. And this trend extends to my college buddies as well.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Oh well. The goal of my life is to serve God via serving others. The one thing that keeps me going: the way Jesus served the people and received unequal reciprocity for it. Unequal reciprocity might be the understatement of all time there. But yeah... You are the greatest role model ever. No matter what I do for you, it will still be unequal reciprocity for what You did for me.

~~~ CHARACTERISTICS OF: (From bad to good, although any to an extreme is self-detrimental)

FEMALES • • • • • • • • •

MALES

Calculating in actions: purposeful deceiving Think too much/long before acting Can’t let go and forgive Pettiness about inconsequential things Low self-esteem Intentions overly-emphasized/analyzed Take the “extra effort” Attention to detail Concern for others… motherly

• • • • • • • • •

Insular/apathetic… in their own little world Don’t think enough before acting Lack of planning Unconcerned about inconsequential things Egotistical… prideful Function/effectiveness overly-emphasized Get results… no excuses Determined… strong-willed Focused and goal-oriented

Both have their faults; both have their strong points. And, although I tried to pair these observation points, I realize that an opposite of a “bad” thing might actually be another “bad” thing. Conversely, that also works for some of the points lower on the list. That is why I’m quick to point out that even too much of a “good” thing can harm a person. I’m not saying that females and males are defined and limited entirely by the points listed on their respective side. I’ve seen people with a little bit of crossed over characteristics. I think those people are quite observant of the behavior of the opposite gender… noticing their strong points. It’s seems a most complete person would have a healthy amount of characteristics from both sides.

~~~ ♀ VERSUS ♂ I’m all for equal opportunity and all that jazz. But more importantly, I believe you deserve it if you’ve earned it. If a job requires a person to be able to lift 250 pounds, I will not throw a fit about that profession being dominated by males. Trust me, if my building were burning down and a firefighter had to carry an injured me out of that place, I will only care if that person can get me to safety. If more females can’t meet that requirement than guys, well, that’s just the way things are. Function is far more important to me than aesthetics and looking good on paper. Differences exist between men and women… I accept this fact. What I question is whether society unfairly treats these differences. I see why jobs that demand consistent punctuality may hesitate to hire a pregnant woman, but what does that entail for a woman who could become pregnant? I also question if women are demanding that they be given more than they have a right to. Being married, having a half dozen kids, wanting to raise them properly, and wanting a steady career thru it all just isn’t possible…

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

physically and time wise. A husband could also say he wanted to be deeply involved in raising a family and work a demanding job. It might not be possible for him either… due to the same physical and time constraints. A lot of times you can’t get everything you want. Society shouldn’t be blamed for what are limitations of the universe! People have to prioritize what is important to them and sacrifice the things that they’d like to have but are not of the utmost importance to them. Walking around carrying a kid for nine months (plus a difference in brain hard wiring and circulating hormone levels) tends to cause women to have a different prioritization scheme than men. Still, it is a woman’s choice to consciously override those inclinations if she so chooses. It’s all about choices, and living with the consequences of your choices. But, I do feel some issues commonly cited as being inequalities gender between are still unfair, like differences in pay for equal competence and performance. That breaks my “you deserve what you can earn” adage. The steps our country has taken towards realizing equality have been significant. We realistically cannot achieve absolute equality just like that though. The unfair situation has lasted for quite some time and will require time to undo. I feel this way on many of today’s “problems”: we let them grow into big problems for far too long to just fix them quickly with a few laws.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Relationships and Love ♀+♂ Guys and gals both have a lot to learn from each other. Both need to let up on holding firmly to their stubborn ways. I use the terms “guys and gals” with purpose. To me, boys and girls need to be concerned with growing up and learning about themselves first before they can concern themselves with others. I reserve the words men and women for those who have an understanding of themselves and those they care for. I think the college experience teaches us mostly about ourselves: how we approach a situation, how we interact with people, etc. We mature from boys and girls to guys and gals. As we better understand how we ourselves work, we get curious if others are the same. Sometimes our curiosity gets the better of us and we start to explore too soon the realm of others before we have a firm understanding of ourselves. When I hear the complaint of somebody not knowing what they want out of a relationship, it sounds like they don’t understand their own needs and desires. How can they expect somebody else to be there to meet their needs if they themselves don’t know what those needs are? Society today urges young adults to explore relationships… promoting it as a wonderful thing to have, filled with hormonal highs and the taboo s word for some. People begin to search for their perfect companion not knowing what they themselves need as a complement. Moving on… I think there are several spectrums across which guys and gals fall along as you can tell from my observed characteristics of females and males… much like a political spectrum ranging from far right to far left. One of the spectrums goes from the “functionality means everything” side to the “little things matter a lot” side. Where people’s “acceptable range” falls on this spectrum varies… but I will venture to say that females more heavily populate the latter side. For a relationship to work between a guy and a gal, their “acceptable ranges” will have to have some overlap. I mean, in the beginning a guy might find it amusing that the gal does so many cutesy things, but later it may just be an annoyance and viewed as a waste of money and effort. Conversely, a gal might be able to ignore the fact that a guy “doesn’t notice/acknowledge” stuff as having meaning, but that ends up turning into him being “uncaring”. That’s the main spectrum I thought of. Another less important spectrum might be about physical appearances… and all this “in/out of my league” business. For all spectrums, if there’s no overlap in the parties’ acceptable ranges, especially even after adjustment and compromise, I don’t think the relationship will work. While on that line of thought, I think overlap and compatibility are key when it comes to interests, priorities, standards, and core beliefs. Like if the guy could rank his top ten priorities and the girl hers, then things like health and family need to fall within a certain number of each other (like two or three, maybe?) or else they really don’t see eye to eye enough on important topics. Willing and well-monitored compromise to create overlap might be what is needed to make a relationship work. More on this later in the section. For a relationship to work successfully, it takes work! I know… it sounds so simple. But nobody said work was simple and easy. Communication is key in all relationships. Without it, people start making assumptions and doing actions that they assume the other person is aware of (and aware of their motivations as well!). Such mind reading is not gonna happen. Keep the lines of communication open… conceal nothing. If you are looking for somebody to trust for the rest of your life, then s/he needs to be able to hear and discuss your true thoughts… and love you for your true self.

~~~ ON THE LACK THEREOF Many times during my sophomore and junior years I found myself coming back to an empty apartment after being bombarded by the idea that college students are at that young adult age when they should be searching for a relationship to find their potential future spouse (7/9/2004): It seems I’ve lost the purpose and confidence I once had. All that’s left of me is a fragile shell surrounding a now empty inside. So, my mind wanders, as it often does, and I begin to think about my own life and the giant hole that society says I have in it. Slowly, this hollow pain creeps into my stomach…

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feels like there’s a black hole right there in the center of my body. I feel like the shell of what is left of me is being pulled into the “nothingness inside of me”. Many times I just crawl into my bed and pray for the feeling to go away… the feeling of loneliness and longing to be “somewhere I belong”. Cheers for Linkin Park lyrics. 12 Then I finally put two and two together. I realize, maybe I do belong here, and it’s just that I don’t want to accept it. The way I see it is that I am one piece in the puzzle that is the giant master plan. That feeling in my stomach that has emptied me and made me feel as if I’m collapsing in on myself, it is changing me into what I am not… into what I was not supposed to be. It is trying to change me into a puzzle piece that fits somewhere else. Somewhere else where I may selfishly want to be, but don’t belong. You know, after a little while, that pain goes away. That pain goes away when I start to really think about the One I’m talking to… and the sacrifice He made for little ol’ me. The emptiness inside of me gets filled in, and I feel whole again. I realize that I’m so blessed that He put me where I am. Later that night at youth group, the most awesome thing happened. The song we were singing went, “I’ll give up my firstborn to You” 13. Dude, at that moment I felt like that was a possibility. I truly believed that it could happen, if He held my hand throughout it all. It’s up to me to not to let go of that Hand. Yeah… what a thought!

~ 5/6/2005 Today, at youth group, the question “is there a difference between ‘solitude’ and ‘being alone’?” I think there is a definite difference. To me, ‘solitude’ is a state that involves contentment with leaving the rest of the world behind. ‘Being alone’ to me entails feeling discontent because you think the world has left you out. It’s all dependent on how the heart and mind are oriented that can make the same situation seem enjoyable... or like torture. Well... I turn to Of the Seven’s “Awkward Song” 9: “Today can I become what I want? Tonight can I stop feeling to feel? I’m fighting. I’m crying. Distinguishing emotions real.” I must shift my focus to transform my “lonely” discomfort into a peaceful time of solitude. Why do I do that human thing of yearning for something that I don’t have... when maybe it isn’t right for me at this point in my life anyways? But I have no way of knowing whether this is true. Only God knows. I must have the patience to wait for His perfect timing. Until then, I should not waste away my time of solitude by filling my head with visions of what having someone there for me would/should be like? A line from AFI’s “The Leaving Song” 14 is replaying in my head right now: “It’s hard to notice [what’s] gleaming from the sky/When you’re staring at the cracks/It’s hard to notice what is passing by/with eyes lowered”. I should not ignore the world I live in by constantly daydreaming and focusing on what is not there. I might miss out on something good.

~ 3/6/2004 I thought my heart and mind once did concur. These silly thoughts I thought I could conquer.

“It’s natural,” they all say. But for me, will it be okay?

I’d say: “From whence it came, it shall return.” This unfounded feeling inside me does burn.

I watch other around me and they all find it. I think, “how long... should I wait and sit”

But, I catch myself and I wonder: Will it lead me to my going under?

Can I fight, this feeling inside? That everyday, gets harder to hide?

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

To friends I go, for guidance I seek. What is this thing called “love” of which you all speak?

It’s a long, bumpy journey all the way there. There are highs. There are lows. There are trials, wherever one goes.

This time, is it for real? Or, is it just a fancy? Is in an insecurity that has just grown antsy?

I must remember to have faith and to stay strong. If I stay steadfast to the path, then I can’t go wrong.

Blast it all! I do say. It’d be easier, if it all went away.

So here I go, I’ll take the chance. I’ll get up out of my seat and join this mysterious dance.

But life isn’t easy. Life isn’t fair.

~ 5/12/2004 I used to get depressed when I heard this part of the song “Bowl of Oranges” by Bright Eyes 15: "I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said '(I am terribly sorry but) there is nothing I can do for you (that) you can't do for yourself.' He said 'Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help.' So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, 'I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure of it. Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile.'" I would totally think myself as the doctor who just needed somebody to sit with for a little while. I kept thinking there’s nobody out there offering me a comforting hand. Then, I realized that Someone is offering a hand to me... I only need to reach out and take up the Hand that has been there and always will be there.

~ June 27, 2004 Don’t know what I’m doing. Don’t know if it’s right or wrong. Don’t know if where I want to go, is a place where I belong.

Curiosity killed my innocence, and my dreams died in defeat. Now, I watch the world and its people. An internal hunger urges me to join the fray. I hope what I will do is good and true. Oh how I hope and pray.

I’ve done it before; I don’t want it to repeat.

~

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This one is just a little silly bit of writing.  So, during the craze of electronic Tamagochi pets (remember those pixilated piles of crap?), I saw this quote in a “static” electronic pet program for palm pilots called Static Chicken: “There are easier things in life than finding a good man... nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance.” I had a good laugh at the time. Some time later when I recounted that quote for a heartbroken friend, I started to really think about what nailing Jell-o to a tree would be like. Quite a challenge I imagined. Of course, it would be so me to be up to such a challenge. I soon proceeded to devise a way to nail Jell-o to a tree. No joke. Here is my 5-step method to nailing Jell-o to a tree: Step 1: Prepare Jell-o normally. Step 2: After solidification in the refrigerator, cut out several 1.5” cubes. Step 3: Place cubes in a bowl and leave at room temperature overnight in front of a fan. Step 4: Find a hammer, some nails, and a tree. Step 5: Proceed to nail dehydrated Jell-o cubes to a tree. There you have it. And, here’s my proof:

I have legitimized myself to try and take on harder challenges in life. 

~~~ RECIPROCITY When a person truly loves somebody else, s/he does not expect anything in return for the loving acts s/he bestows upon that other person. True love is a no strings attached deal. I cover this in more detail later in this section on the meaning of love. However, there is a great danger that somebody will take advantage of such a selfless person. The selfless person needs to be able to recognize when their actions are beginning to harm themselves (physically, mentally, or emotionally). Then, they have to get the willpower to stop their generosity before they suffer too much. Conversely, when I am the recipient of a kind act, I promise myself that I will pay it back when an opportunity to do so presents itself… even when the person makes it clear I don’t have to. I will be forever in debt to some people, my God and my parents, but I will always strive to repay them whenever I can. Sometimes, I just cannot directly pay them back. Instead, I decide to pay it forwards to others, for somebody bestowed unwarranted kindness upon me initially. I hope this paying it forwards to others karmatically circles back to the person who was nice to me first. One thing that I had trouble accepting was my repaying a person when an opportunity arose. Sometimes, I would try to force an opportunity into my schedule and perhaps place undue stress on both of us. I have to remember that they care enough about me to have first bestowed kindness upon me. They would definitely not want me to cause myself grief just to pay them back.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

~~~ COMPROMISE Compromise is the only “act of love” that goes against my concept of no expected reciprocity love. In compromise, both parties expect the other to meet them “somewhere in the middle”. The vagueness of that “somewhere in the middle” phrase is what I feel is most perilous with compromise. Compromise, I believe, works immensely better when each party makes it clear how far they are willing to go to meet “in the middle”. This middle point can be reevaluated and changed as time goes by, but is should only be done so in discussion between both parties. When one party takes it upon him/herself to “give in” just a little more in hopes that it’ll be enough to make them both happy, s/he gets pulled into thinking that same thought over and over again and never makes a stand. The compromise becomes far more lopsided than it was planned to be… and sometimes the other party is oblivious to it! Certainty of the extent to which each person is compromising is key to meeting each other in the middle in a healthy compromise. For that matter, communication is key in all relationships. Obviously, differences cannot be evaluated along a definite scale that has a clear middle ground. Where each party thinks they lie on that continuum needs to be evaluated together. That visualization needs to be clear. Then, working together and noting the progress, they can find a middle ground that they can both be content with.

~~~ MARRIAGE An awesome anecdote from a forgotten source: Husband to psychologist: “I do everything my wife tells me... do the laundry... take out the trash... etc. I don’t know why she still gets on my case.” Wife to psychologist: “I don’t understand why he can’t believe we are still having problems. I have to tell him to do the laundry and take out the trash every time!!!”

~ Ephesians 4:22-25 reads: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” That’s one I’ve chewed over many times. As a person who believes in interdependence and crossconsideration in relationships, I have to wonder if my personally formed view conflicts with that passage. Submission to the Lord is what I work on everyday. Transferring such submission to a human being is something I know I will struggle to do. For that matter, I constantly struggle with all-out submission to God… the God that has proved over and over again how much He loves me! Submission to a tangible person that loves me with all his heart might even seem more feasible at times… but also quite impossible at other times… like when he screws up. Still submission is something that goes against a lot of philosophically “wise” teachings. The idea leaves me with an uneasy feeling that such a directive is “unfair” towards the woman. Now, I’d like to point out the “as the church submits to Christ” part. I recognize that the church has sometimes gone astray. History proves this. Yet, Christ gave Himself up for the church knowing she might mess up in following Him. All of a sudden, I feel like the husband’s job is harder than the wife’s as described in the Ephesians passage. Everything Christ did was in the best interest of the people… the people that condemned Him…

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

the people that forsook Him. It didn’t matter what the people did for/to Christ… He still poured out every effort of His life to serving them. Whoa… for a man really approach marriage with such all-out devotion… that’s harder than the wife’s job of submitting to her husband as she whole-heartedly submits to God… mistakes included. Seems “unfair” for the man now. Well, the Bible has more to say on the male to female relationship in marriage. 1 Peter 3:1-2 reads: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the Word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” Ok… now it seems more fair in what the Bible directs wives to be prepared to do. When husband and wife remind themselves to approach their relationship as the Bible directs, I can only envision a harmonious union of two people working together to serve one another and God.

~ Kids The essence of child-like innocence is observed at rare moments in the life of a college student. Frequently making trips to Disneyland, however, ups the probability exponentially. Shortly after the nighttime fireworks program on Main Street USA one night, I overhead a child say the cutest thing: “Now I know how stars are made. Fireworks get stuck up there.” That was so… pure. I just stopped in thought right there, wondering what that child’s parents were thinking/feeling at that moment. My thoughts snowballed from there. How crazy was it of me to think that in 10 years… maybe, just maybe, MY kid could be saying something like that? The thought gives me shivers. Still… it’s not so crazy of an idea. It’s just an unfeasibly scary idea at the moment. Kids start off with that naivety and slowly this harsh world educates them and removes that precious innocence from them. Parents wish their adorable kids didn’t have to grow up into moody teenagers and then bold young adults. But, in the backs of their minds, they know, kids must lose that innocence to have a chance at survival in the real world. I quote this line from the movie Finding Neverland: “Look at that. How magnificent. The boy’s gone. Somewhere during the last 30 seconds, you’ve become a grown-up.” If only life was that simple, and the realization of what really is important in life occurred just like that. Usually a child’s loss of innocence is a complicated, emotionally unstable, drawn out process that a parent has go along for the ride with. There’s no fail-safe set of instructions for how do guide a child thru this process. Only vague, decades-old memories can be used to guide those raising their very own child. And now, here I sit, bemusing myself with thoughts of how I’d raise my own kids. Half of me and half of somebody I obviously would think is very special… that thought in itself is mystically amazing. I know I’ll be so particular in everything. I’d want to give them every opportunity I could for them to succeed. I’d sacrifice money, time, sleep, sanity, even my life for the sake of their well-being. I would love each one with all my heart and try my best not to compare them. Man… it’s just amazing to think about. I realize I will encounter their loss of innocence process as well. That is something that will definitely take a team effort in handling fragilely in order to nurture their development into good, honest young adults, which is hopefully what I am now. And so the cyclic process will start all over again as time marches on.

~~~ LOVE 6/17/2004 I have a lot to learn about the word love. Everyday, I search to find a better, more complete meaning for the word. I mean... you hear the word everywhere... casually... and sometimes for real. Yeah... I guess, I’m trying to figure out how to apply the word’s real meaning to my life. I keep telling myself to think about John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, so that whoever believed in him would have everlasting life.” That’s real love. Then, I look at myself and think: I’m so far from

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anything of that magnitude. The things I do for people somehow circle back and make my life a little happier as well. But in comparison, the things I do for the people I care about are just little things... little sacrifices of time. Nowhere near such a great sacrifice... and most definitely not to people whom I don’t know. Yeah... people I don’t know... and people who I think are mindless idiots... the ones that I don’t even want to associate with. I feel so unworthy... there are those times when I get the feeling that I’m going out of my way for somebody... then I realize... how ridiculously miniscule my actions were. Yeah... I’ve decided that I need work on this... ’cause both “love your God” and “Love your neighbor” sure involve a lot of loving that I’m incapable of right now.

~ I got into a discussion about the meaning of love with my roommates one night in sophomore year (8/5/2004). These were my afterthoughts: When discussing the meaning of the word “love”, words like selfless, sacrificing, and compassionate came up. Shortly thereafter, I realized that these adjectives describe Christ. Except that Christ displayed these characteristics at a level far above and beyond what we were talking about last night. People only start to display such behavior after they know a person for a while. Only then will they start to change their ways. Now, Christ was that for everybody. Now that’s love. And, I’m sorry to say, I feel like I hardly know Him... that I have much more to learn about Him. What I’m realizing is that I’m just starting to get a glimpse of just how powerful a love He had and still has for the people. With every action of every waking moment, He lived for the people. He died for the people. That’s a super-human love. “All I want in life is to be happy.” was said last night. Well, gee whiz, to know that I am loved so much by my God... now there’s happiness and peace of mind.

~ 10/16/2004 I decided that to truly love a person would mean that you’d do anything for them... including die for them. The “anything” may include putting up with their quirks and going the “extra mile” for their happiness. But I realize that “anything” must really be all-inclusive. Anything must also include enduring pain and discomfort for their sake... may it be getting up every morning at 5AM to get to that wretched job and be home in time to pick up the kids from school... or going off to fight a war (I’m thinking Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King). As the situations become more and more daunting, people tend to get discouraged. They want to be assured that their efforts weren’t in vain. They want to know that what they are attempting to do is doable. They want to know if it’s been done before... if someone endured the same suffering and made it. Well... however alone I may feel in my struggles, I have to remember the One that endured far more grief and suffering than I’ll ever face. It’s strange how reading a Bible verse can have a different meaning each time. Well... after youth group on Friday, I was going back over the Sunday School lessons and I came across 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, which reads: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” Right there... it says it all. We can be comforted by those who know what we are going thru. Although, I don’t know a single person who’s going thru what I’m going thru, I can attain a feeling that I’m not alone in it because of two reasons. One: omnipotence would by default mean that He knows what I’m going thru. Two: He endured torture that makes my struggles seem unworthy of mention. And I also must remember that Christ endured it all for every human being, of whom many did/do not love Him back. That thought is just so humbling. I, myself, only go out of the way for people who I think are good people... who show me respect to a certain level. The last time I went out of my way for a complete stranger? I really don’t remember... and I feel ashamed of the fact that I don’t remember. So, I guess my point is, for me to decide that I’d do anything for somebody I love is a far cry from doing anything for anybody... the example I try to follow. But, it’s still a

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

step in the right direction. I guess this week was a really quick reversal of emotion... going from discouraged and lost to having a renewed drive to press on. These emotions sort of snowballed after a certain line was sung in worship at youth group: “You give and take away/but still I choose to say/blessed be Your Name.” 16 People have a tendency to neglect how fortunate they are, but they also tend to deny the fact that they may be disadvantaged. Each, in its own way, is a denial of truth. Now, coming to grips with the latter usually causes a tailspin into the first point. Which leads to that wise saying: “be thankful for what you do have”. And it’s true. Acceptance is needed. Thankfulness is needed. When considered in combination, I realize just how powerless I am over my own life. What I was given and what I was not given... I think I’m starting to understand. Any thoughts of selfpity... completely erased by the 2 Corinthians lines.

~ I’ve been thinking a lot about the meaning of the word love and whether there truly are different types of love. People are quick to point out many different types of love.... boy meets girl.... parent cares for child... etc. But, I think it can actually be boiled down into two types: immature and mature love. How far will people go to demonstrate they care for another? The self-sacrifice involved is amazing (just watch the movie Life is Beautiful). They do everything they can for the other to make them as happy as possible; in other words, make their life easier and more enjoyable. Or do they? Instead might they do what they think would be best for the one they care for? Sometimes, those two things are different: making that person’s life more enjoyable and doing what is best for that person. Maybe this is the difference between the “types” of love. My late grandmother said something along the lines of “sometimes NOT helping a person is the best way to help and show that you care for him/her”. To show one’s love for another, that person has to hold back from doing just that. Let the person learn from experiencing things themselves... let the person learn from their mistakes. It’s a hard concept for me to grasp, but I’m starting to see how it works. People will never learn how to help themselves if they are always being helped. I feel it’s similar to that proverb “catch a fish for a man and he won’t be hungry for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he’ll never be hungry again.” It’s not entirely relevant, but it’s somewhat appropriate, I think. Anyways, it’s a struggle I deal with time and time again. I have to think past the immediate consequence of my helping a person to ponder whether my planned action will be beneficial to them in the long run. Love can get so complicated to the point where an act of love hurts both the giver and receiver immediately but strengthens the recipient in the end. That is what I think is the difference between immature love and mature love. In a way, immature love can even be self-serving. Do something nice for somebody and they ought to be nice back. But, mature love is entirely selfless. I’ve seen mature love end relationships before. It is quite heart wrenching to witness; but years later, all finally understand the actions of the love giver. Furthermore, immature love only lasts so long. The recipients of it can only tolerate so much before they realize and get fed up with a love that is only bestowed upon them because of the expected returns. But, mature love is enduring and entirely selfless. A person will seriously do anything for another without expecting anything in return. My parents do not expect anything in return for raising me. They want me to pursue my dreams… my dreams alone. They will not demand that my dreams be this or that. They leave it up to me whether I want to reciprocate the love they gave me. I, being the receiver of such no strings attached love, choose to pay that love back. I also choose to “pay it forwards” as I like to call it. I choose to spend time and efforts serving others who I feel are good people and just need some one to give them a hand. And, I don’t expect anything in return; those people might be in a similar situation to where I was with my parents when I couldn’t reciprocate at the time. I tell them to just “pay it forwards” as well. To me, the epitome of mature love is the love that Jesus had for people. He didn’t just get nothing in return from just about everybody. He got the worst possible treatment from them. Still, He didn’t expect them all to understand at that time. God’s love, via Christ, was the first mature love bestowed upon me. I can only pay that back to Him by paying it forwards to His children. And no matter what, I will always be in debt.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

Sports Applied to Life 5/1/2004 Basketball has got me so far in life, and the lessons I’ve learned from it will never leave me. But the thing with sports is that you can measure success (to some extent) with wins. In life, “wins” aren’t that easy to come by. “Games” tend to last much longer than 40 minutes as well. Progress is much harder to spot in life. Still the same words that a coach my use to motivate players can be applied to any challenges faced in life: honest hard work, effort, fair play, dedication, diligence, teamwork, etc.

~ 8/13/2003 Looking back, I feel that playing a team sport, basketball, has shaped the way I live and look at life today. I truly believe that many important lessons about life can be taught through sports. I’ve always looked at my team as if it were a family. Also, I view the group of people that are my family and close friends as a team. Teammates are there for each other to talk to and to get help from. The opposite applies as well: you gotta be there for your teammates too. You all strive for a common goal. On a sports team, it’s playing cohesively and winning games. In life, it’s living healthily and happily working with one another to achieve goals. Each team member has his/her own contribution and specialty. Some days you gotta put in a little extra effort for a teammate who cannot perform at their usual level because they are sick or injured or what not. On other days, they will pick up the slack for you. What matters is that everybody willingly puts in the extra effort to help another teammate. It’s also true that not everybody on the team contributes equally. There will always be stars and role players: those that get the glory and those that do the little things. I relate this to the workplace. There will be people with higher positions who have more responsibility. But, if lower level workers don’t do their job, the top guns won’t be able to do their jobs either. Everybody has to be working together in harmony for the common goals of the group to be achieved. Sometimes the success of the group does come down to a single individual: the employee who must give the presentation to represent his company is like the player who has to take the game deciding shot. If the player makes it, then the team wins. His teammates will be grateful that he performed under pressure, and they will trust him in the future. If the player misses the big shot, then his teammates must give him the credit for having the guts to be willing to take that shot. Here’s a great lil’ saying from Wayne Gretzky: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” The blame can rarely be entirely placed upon this one player. The other players could have always done something earlier in the game that could have dramatically or even slightly changed the direction of the game. I’ve never witnessed a team play a PERFECT game and lose it on the very last play because one player missed a shot. Heck, I’ve never seen any team play a PERFECT game. It doesn’t happen... people are not robots... people are human... they make mistakes. His teammates know that he tried his hardest. They have to credit him for that. They have to take into account that the player showed up to practices and put in blood, sweat, and tears for their common goal. All of the player’s past hard work cannot be cancelled out by one incident of failure. Sure there are always teammates who are discontent with their role. They think that they should have the ball more, or get more playing time. But, these disconcerting thoughts should be repressed when game time comes. Individual glory must be sacrificed for a team to be successful. Here’s another great saying that is ubiquitously used by coaches: “There’s no I in team”. Players have to accept their roles and carry out the stratagem that every team member practiced. They must work together for the good of the team. Every team member must also know when to get the ball to the players who have proven themselves when there is a tight situation. Teammates that bicker amongst themselves do not work smoothly together... rarely do these teams succeed on a large-scale level. One thing that I’ve thought about a lot is how a lot of people are scared to do things because they fear that they will fail and cause grievances for those that they care for. I’ve overcome this fear by relating it to team sports, yet again. Just like taking the big shot. The fate of the team rests in the hands of one

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individual. No matter what the outcome, the player has built up his reputation over the months of practice. The character of that player will be known by his teammates by then. They will know that the player is dedicated to the team and always tries his best to work for the team’s success. In all, sports provide a forum where some of life’s invaluable lessons can be learned in a situation where success and failure do not make or break a person.

~ 8/25/2003 The one thing that bugs me about some athletes is how they think they are so good at what they do. The very best athletes out there think just the opposite: “I must get better to keep up with the everimproving competition.” Strange as it may seem, I think losing can be the best thing that can happen if you want to win the big one. Winning everything can be detrimental at times. When a team tries their hardest and still loses, they are driven to improve. They will have what I call an “anti-goal”; they don’t want to experience losing again. Teams that only win do not have an anti-goal that they can relate to. They might become complacent and not try hard because they expect themselves to win because of past outcomes. Complacency leads to stagnation, and soon enough somebody else will catch up to the once victorious and knock him from his high horse.

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Self-thoughts BEING “DIFFERENT” I catch myself asking “why am I different?” when the question should be “how can I fix this?” The past cannot be undone…all things happen for a reason. Time to get tough and face the facts. I need to be productive by moving on and doing something about the changeable things in my life that I am not satisfied with. I believe I am where I am now for a reason. How I got here was a series of events that has made me who I am today. On my journey, I’ve learned from people about what to do and what not to do. And so, I continue on this learning-filled path of life... appreciating what I’ve got and striving for improvement.

~ 7/25/2003 There is no need to get depressed when the statistics tell me I can’t. I have never been one to obey the numbers. I’ve always been an outlier. So, with enough faith and maybe a little bit of luck, I can overcome the numbers. And if it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be. What I have right now is the realization of what my life really is. It may be abnormal and restricted, but it’s still a life nonetheless. I will make the most of it. Do what I can to help make this world a better place. That is ALL I can do.

~ 2/10/2005 Heard something interesting on CSI tonight. Something along the lines of: “DNA: what you are never changes. Who you are is always changing and being redefined by the events of your life.” I guess it’s a good thing that if you don’t like who you are then you have the power to change it. If you don’t like what you are... well... tough. How you deal with what you have is a big indicator of who you really are.

~ Society forms opinions about people who are different. People are afraid of misfits because they don’t understand their story. So, they, in their discomfort, end up rejecting and mocking them. If only they could have the whole story explained there would not be so much hatred in the world. Nevertheless, this will never exist as long as people tend to jump to conclusions and close their minds way too soon. I am in no way justifying this action as acceptable; I am merely recognizing its existence. People fear what is unknown, and what is different from what they know as “normal” fall under this category and are thus intrinsically discriminated against for it. I know I instinctively fear what is unknown. Even for inconsequential circumstances like buying groceries, I see myself discriminate somewhat unfoundedly. I would much rather buy an item from a brand name that I recognize even if it’s a bit more expensive than the same sized item right next to it. There has to be a really good deal on that other item for me to be adventurous enough to try it. I guess I’m trying to say that those intrinsic inclinations can be overcome if one has an open mind. I myself have to recognize the uneasiness others may have about me is just a different form of expressing the same fear I myself have of what I don’t recognize or understand. I know it takes some convincing for a people to open their prematurely closed minds. Since that premature closing really can’t be prevented, I have to remind myself to have the patience to work with people to open their minds and accept me.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

8/7/2003 My Awakening Everything that was once concealed Has now been clearly revealed. By myself, I managed to unearth Truths hidden since my birth. The day I awoke Was the day I myself broke. Accepting the ugly truth is always hard. My entire world was thoroughly jarred. I might have started going insane From all of the agony and pain. Pain that I don’t want to relive. Pain that was magnified by people I won’t forgive. For three weeks I sluggishly struggled, My usual liveliness had been dulled. Although my world was shaken, I know that I wasn’t forsaken. Thus, I accept my fate with a sigh. Knowing one day I’ll understand why.

~ December 8, 2004 Lord, lead me thru all of the madness Lord, rid me of all of my sadness Tell me why I can’t go back to the way I used to be Tell me why I must learn to set myself free

~~~ SELF-STANDARDS/DOUBLE STANDARDS 3/25/2005 When we hear the phrase “double standards”, we think it has a negative connotation. Words like “hypocrite” come to mind. But, maybe it’s not always a bad thing? I’ve always been taught to be harsher on myself than others. So, yeah... both are good pieces of advice... yet they seem somewhat contradictory. For the most part, I can accept the application of such a double standard, considering myself special enough to be self-assigned special treatment. In an earlier entry, I wrote about not being able to trust people for fear that they are untrustworthy. I talked about trying to envision switching roles, and how I would react if I were the one being confided in... how my opinion of a friend would not change if they had told me what I am afraid to share. So, why do I apply the double standard of viewing everybody as untrustworthy, and yet feeling that I myself would be

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trustworthy? This world wouldn’t work if it was filled with Terri clones. It would be a world filled with paranoid people. My pondering: who are the people that I should not apply the double standard to? My family? My close friends? My mom also likes to tell me, “Just put up with it if they don’t live with you.” I kinda like this thought... the absence of the double standard should apply to anyone who I have to live with. So… I guess that would mean family and roomies. And, for the most part, the members of this apartment keep each other in check. We talk sense into each other when one of us get super stressed and think up crazy situations. Family... yeah... we should be able to be critical of each other... to a certain extent. But, when it comes to myself... there is no sense of forgiveness or slack at all. I’m not perfect... I’m human... but I reprimand myself as if I’m a robot sometimes. I’m trying to allow myself to make a few mistakes... and forgive myself for them, so that I’m not as self-deprecating as I used to be. High self-standards can be a good thing, but even good things in excess can be bad. I think the best way to pursue any goal is to do so with the right motivation/intentions and never get carried away. But no, I still think I screw up a lot more than a few times... and I know I’m screwing up in the process. I’m not talking about algebraic calculations anymore... I’m talking about screwing up in life... sinning in thought. I know what I’m doing is wrong... that it is causing me pain. And yet, I don’t try very hard to stop myself. Sure... having a good cry can be healthy... as long as it’s a good cry... like realizing how fortunate I am to be able to meet with my mom on the weekend and stock up on yummy food for finals week. Crying because I had a bad day and am feeling sorry for myself... that’s BS. The tears are different, I can tell. The feeling inside is different... it causes a different kind of pain. When it’s over... I feel like crap. When my good cry is over, I feel lighter... less stressed. Finally, I realize now that even though I am aware of my downfall into this mental sinning... I am forgiven by the One that matters. If He can forgive me, then I should be able to forgive myself. Sure, we should set high expectations for ourselves. It gives us a motivator to perform effectively and efficiently, but we are not robots. It’s not the end of the world if we mess up. We are forgiven... even for far worse transgressions than what I worry myself sick about. So, trying to follow the perfect example, Jesus, yet knowing I am forgiven when I screw up... that’s a quite a spot to be sitting in. But, I’d rather know that I’m in such a spot than be lost elsewhere looking for directions.

~ 11/23/2003 So this is something that took me almost twenty years to realize. Serious stuff that I’ve been overlooking for way to long. Okay. So all my life I’ve been raised with this saying, “You can always be nice.” It’s a thing that is supposed to make you feel good about yourself by allowing somebody else to have the... the biggest piece of the cake… for example. It was supposed to be a generous deed that would be recognized by the recipient and other witnesses. The fact that others notice your generosity is just superfluous to what really matters. The only time when it was supposed to matter was when others were nice to me. Then, I was supposed to remember their kindness and return the favor some day. The lesson is one of those one-way things where it doesn’t matter if others recognize you are being generous, but it sure matters that you recognize it when others are nice to you. Well, today, I realized that some people only haphazardly acknowledge kindness bestowed upon them. And, even though I was taught to continue to be kind, it is starting to irk me that people may take advantage of it. It makes me feel sad that they aren’t acknowledging those that are giving them continued unwarrantedly kindness and generosity. I know that one day kind people might feel it is a lost cause to continue to treat the ungrateful person. And, when that happens, that person is gonna fall down right on his/her face. My sadness extends to this future collapse for that person. The above is all somewhat irrelevant to me because I’ve decided to continue to be nice no matter what. It goes against my self-imposed rule to stop being kind to even the people who don’t deserve it. What matters is that I continue to do the right thing and be nice. Well, the reflexivity of the above analysis finally hit me. Am I completely naïve in regards to acts of kindness directed towards me? My heart sank. Could I possibly be the very type of person that gets on my nerves… the one that isn’t expressing gratitude to the very people that are going out of their way to be nice to? Could I be the one to cause the sadness that

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I feel when others aren’t acknowledging their benefactors? Could I be the one with an unforeseen catastrophe in front of me? I really started to worry. I started thinking about all of the people in my life… my family, friends, teammates. I thought about the people whose kindness I have acknowledged and those that I thought were just inconsequential people who I thought didn’t really affect me. It took a great disappointment of mine in another to realize that I might be disappointing others that I hold dear to me. I’m sorry if I ever caused any sadness. I’m sorry if I ever disappointed you. At the moment, I can’t think of that many people who I feel I owe an apology to. This is either a good sign in that I’ve been on top of things. Or, a really bad sign in that I’m so oblivious that I don’t even know to whom I am indebted. Some people are so kind to me; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully return their kindness. Family comes to my mind first and foremost as the people I will forever be appreciative of. Friends who have helped me through thick and thin, who have hung out with me just for the sake of it, who have helped me with my schoolwork, who have lent a patient ear to hear out my problems… thank you. Most importantly, thank you God for blessing me with this wonderful life and all that it is. After this humbling experience, I guess I’ll just carry on with this life, trying my best to never overlook anybody who has ever helped me along the way or will be there for me in the future.

~ 1/25/2004 I realize that I have a problem with compliments. I don’t give them well/often, and I don’t take them well. I have high standards for myself, so when I receive a compliment, I feel it is merely obligatory since I usually expect myself to be able to do whatever the task was anyways. That’s not so bad. What’s worse is my sparseness in giving compliments. I guess I assume that the people I would be complimenting have high standards for themselves in the same way I do for myself. But that would be breaking my double standard philosophy because I’d be imposing my double standard upon others. Why is it so hard for me to compliment people? My basketball experience tells me that one of the best ways to promote a player to practice and improve is to compliment them on what they are doing well.

~ 3/6/2004 Today I decided that it would be easiest if I returned to being the old Terri... the “cold-blooded Asian” as I’ve now deemed it. I need to not care whether people screw themselves over. I shall remain detached from their foolish endeavors. I know that they will get what is coming to them in good time. By helping them, I may just delay their realization that the way they are living needs to change for their own good. God will reveal what must be revealed, and I should not delay/interfere with His plan even if I think I’m being helpful. I will still continue to help those who deserve help... those who are struggling to get on the right path and are actively seeking to do so. I can help His plan in this manner. However, I cannot wield the sword of justice and “punish” those who have gone astray... for I myself have sinned and have no right to judge the mistakes of others. That is not my job. I must carry on and set an example for those who have gone astray. I must remain steadfast to my ways and not be tempted by those faltering around me. I know I will not falter as long as I stay focused on my goals.

~ Straight from the Spring of 2005: “Nothingwrong” is the title to a Jimmy Eat World song off the Futures CD. It’s chorus: We've done nothing wrong, But we've done nothing

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We can't look away, But we're just looking It's second nature to say, Hey hey hey, we've done nothing wrong! 17 But is it true? Does doing nothing mean we are doing nothing wrong? Or, does it mean that we are doing nothing right? Inaction means no progress. But, inaction means no regression either. Maintaining a firm stance is the safest way to not slip and fall. But, at the same time, it is the surest way to not improve one’s position. This subject of inaction/complacency has come up recently in discussion at youth group. We will never be able to live “perfectly”, but we must strive to live in such a way. But how is it that we can improve upon our level of being a Christian and living like Christ? Spend more time reading the Bible? Maybe, go and volunteer at a homeless shelter? Donate money to a charity? Our discussion also touched on the topic of doing things out of “obligation”, which just doesn’t feel right when one’s heart is not in it. Even reading the Bible isn’t the same if you feel obligated to open the Book and read a chapter because I haven’t read any of it in a while. Last night, our discussion made me think that it is all about one’s mindset. To make progress, is not necessary to go and do MORE THINGS. Progress can result from doing the same things but with a different heart/mindset and motive. I can do the same things as I do now, but for the right reason. Like, I drive home at 11PM on a Friday night because I love my family... not because I feel obligated to do so or because I want my mom to cook me good food and help me do my laundry. The food is a bonus... and I do my own laundry at home... my mom did it for the first 17 years of my life and that is more than enough. Eventually, doing more might be something that follows... but only out of a willing heart. Anyways... I figure it’s all about mindset and having the right reasons for doing things. Doing things out of love for another... instead of doing things so that another person will “owe you one” or whatnot. Something I learned about people is that they don’t think they owe jack to anyone most of the time. At most, they may acknowledge you and your kindness. My mom told me that in reality people don’t owe anything to anybody unless there was an agreement. They can choose to think that they owe something to you... but it’s their choice to think what they think. Having a mindset that somebody owes me for something I did is just a fault of my own thinking. It’s a thought that I myself made up and entertain... usually only to my own chagrin (goodness... that word came out of nowhere... revenge of the 9th grade vocabulary list!) So, another mom saying holds true: “Expect nothing from others, that way you’ll come across unexpected pleasant surprises.” But, here’s the double-standard kicker! Never forget the things others do for you. Thus, engraining the idea in my head that I owe others for the things they do for me. However, maybe I am the one who takes it too far. Maybe, all I need to do is remember another’s kindness, and when the opportunity conveniently arises, do something nice back. I just need to remind myself of that... and pay particular attention to the word “convenience”. I’ve learned this quarter because I’ve been sooo extremely busy with the MCAT and my other projects. I’ve learned that I have my own life to live independently, and doing stuff for others shouldn’t mean sacrificing myself for their convenience. Is that selfish? Well... love thy neighbor... as you would yourself. So, it’s the whole put yourself in somebody else’s shoes who in turn puts themselves in your shoes... yeah, it’s THAT deep. Sure, I’d like for somebody to be nice to me... but not if they are unnecessarily burdening themselves for it. I’m quite a stubborn person when it comes to how I want to live my own life. But, I’m learning that most of the time I am the one dragging myself down. Time to break that habit by changing how I think.

~~~ GIVING THANKS 11/27/2004 As people, we don’t give thanks enough. We don’t show our gratitude enough. How hard is it to say “thank you” when somebody does something kind to you? Do you do anything in return for that person? We might remember to do so around Thanksgiving, but that’s not enough. That’s no excuse for us to ignore

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the very people that are always doing kind deeds for us everyday. It’s just “ordinary” that Dad will cut the most tender slice of meat off the rib roast and put it on a plate saved just for you. It’s just expected that your good friend is willing to lend you an ear over the cell phone when you’re having a nervous breakdown at midnight. Plain and simple, everybody needs to say “thank you” more often. Maybe even go beyond that, and take 5 minutes out of your oh-so-gosh-darn busy day of watching TV and playing video games and do something considerate for somebody that has countlessly taken the time out of their day to be there for you. It can be as simple as grabbing a small bunch of flowers at the market on your way out, or picking out a card from aisle 2 at Target or Hallmark. It’s time we all start noticing the world around us and the people in our lives that we are so lucky to be acquainted with.

~ 11/27/2004 I know I’ve failed to see many a situation where I should say “thank you”. It seems that I only recognize “special” acts of kindness. It seems I only show that I’ll be there when things get rough. You know there’s that saying, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I don’t like it. Why should you have to turn it on only when the situation is grim? Loyalty is not defined by showing up during extenuating circumstances... it’s defined by always being there in support I need to make it more of a habit to show thanks to everybody that deserves it from me. If somehow I neglect someone, then when I recognize it, I’d best start showing my gratitude on a consistent basis. If I never get the chance to acknowledge someone, then I shall “spread the love forwards”... hopefully starting a chain reaction that will eventually reach the person that inspired me in the first place. It kind of reminds me of that commercial that showed a bunch of fortunate events happen to random people via acts of kindness by others… and it all started because some waiter smiled at a customer. Yep... so simple.

~ 3/25/2005 Sometimes a person can get tunnel vision and not care to notice anything else happening in their lives. This can be a very bad thing. My quarter would have been a lot less miserable if I had just noticed the wonderful things that were happening in my life rather than get caught up in what wasn’t going right in my life. All I could see was the pile of work on my desk, while I totally ignored the fact that... see... I can’t remember... I probably never even acknowledged whatever it was that was going smoothly in my life then. For the past month it’s been the topic of youth group to pay attention to things that you should be thankful for. Simple things that we take for granted everyday. But, we humans have a tendency to get greedy and focus on the things that we want. Things that we don’t have turn into goals that we strive so hard to achieve that we forsake all else. Obsession can be very dangerous. We lose focus of the important things all because of some yearning curiosity inside that we want to satisfy. Do you think that reaching just this one goal will solve all your problems and bring you happiness? Umm.... no... you’ll just find another thing to strive for. And why do we all think that we deserve the things that we strive for if we would only just work hard enough for it? I know... it’s an old pet peeve of mine. Why do people think they deserve stuff that they should be oh so thankful for? This may be the one thing that I don’t like about the way children are raised in this country. Sometimes... things just aren’t meant to be. We fight it sooo much when it’s not our way... we get pissed off. “What did I do to deserve this?” we ask. Maybe, we need to be asking: “What have I done to deserve what I didn’t get?” or “Why was I even given such a grand opportunity in the first place?” I know so many people who never got the opportunity to have a chance to make it to where I am. Not because they didn’t work as hard as me... but because they weren’t as fortunate. Trust me... they could have worked 5 times as hard as me... and still not have had the same opportunities I had. Everyday, I hope to notice things that I normally take for granted. Doesn’t matter if I’m having a good day or a bad day... I want to notice the things that I have been missing previously... it would make me happier.

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Anomalous Signal: an uncommon view of the ordinary

~~~ SELF-CONTROL… CONTROL FREAK I worry about stuff I cannot fix/change/control. I keep letting other people get to me. This needs to stop because I can’t control other people’s lives the way I can control my own... unless I put a gun to their head... but that isn’t legal.... nor is it moral... nor will it inspire a willingness to change. So anyways, I’m torn between helping people now when I can so easily do so or not help them now as a means to help them in the long run. I feel so guilty for not helping when I can...but then again, what if that so easy to perform “helpful act” really harms the recipient in the end? Argh... I must quote my late grandmother here: “Sometimes the best way to help a person is to not help them, for in letting them help themselves, much more will be learned.” Part of me doesn’t want to help some people for another reason... I don’t think it’s fair... people shouldn’t be allowed to take shortcuts. By my helping them, I am promoting them to take shortcuts that they’ve asked for. Some people would argue: “Terri have a heart.” Well, I do when I see that the circumstance requires it. If there is some disastrous event or illness, then yes I will “have a heart”. But if I watch a person not manage their time properly then ask me to help them take a shortcut... trust me... I get very frustrated. I wonder if this means I am judging them? That is definitely something I don’t want to do.

~ 9/26/2004 And yet, it seems that I spend far too many hours of my day pondering the things that make me sad. This morning’s sermon was on the different causes of sorrow. I can tell you that I’ve been saddened by several of those reasons in the last week alone. But this evening, I realize that by concentrating too much on such sorrows makes for a disheartened person. I’m not saying that ignoring troubles is the way to go either. But, there has to be a happy medium. I think I’m sitting a little too far to one side of the balance. I mean, sitting and worrying about sorrows won’t fix them... the act just makes me sad. Some of my troubles can’t be fixed by me. But, you can bet I’ll put in my best effort to influence those who can fix such problems. I really need to stop worrying about stuff I am powerless to alter.

~ 2/17/2005 Never ever go into something with expectations. Sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised when the reality of things turns out far better than what you expected. Other times, the opposite can happen where everything just isn’t what you thought it was made out to be. Sometimes it can change on you... for the better or for the worse. For life in general... for situations involving numerous unpredictable variables... like people for instance... don’t ever expect anything. And the one thing that I find is the most important idea I’ve thought in a very long while: don’t ever, ever let your dreams become your expectations. It will make your life miserable. They say, “Aim for the stars and maybe you’ll make it to the moon.” Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things just don’t turn out the way you want them too... you fall short... or you see everything you envisioned blow up right in your face. Sometimes you really don’t have control... even when you want to pretend that you do. Stop pretending… start living in reality.

~

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2/17/2005 My conflict lies within the fact that I am a control freak in situations where I am completely and utterly helpless. So maybe, just maybe, I can learn to LET GO for once... and let the dice fall as they do... and leave stuff up to fate and destiny. As much as everybody enjoys routine, sometimes things just have to be different... things change. The only constant is continual change. And maybe there are signs telling me that change is evident, but I refuse to let go of my “dreams”. I want to physically force my small world around me to conform to what I want and what I think would be most beneficial. But who am I to know what is best? I mean, sometimes we can get tunnel vision into thinking we really know what’s best. Now I’m staring at a situation that I want, but it just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. So, maybe it’s time I had some faith in the unknown... in the new and scarily exciting unpredictable.

~ 12/11/2004 What are the things I fear? I fear the unknown. I fear the possibility of the worst-case scenario. I fear an outcome filled with disappointment. I fear change for the worse. I fear putting trust in somebody that is not trustworthy. So many times I have kept thoughts and feelings bottled up inside for fear of what consequence might be the result if I had shared these thoughts. Why is it that I feared people would change the way they looked at me if they knew the real me? I ask myself, “if I were in their shoes... if my friend confide something in me… would my opinion of them as a person change?” No. We all have an ideal world in which people really are taken for what is in their hearts. Why is it that I could not trust people to follow those same ideals... those same ideals that we all share and try to live by? As far as I can tell, I’ve been blessed/lucky enough to have found people who I can trust. And you know how little faith I have in the people of this world. Many of my journal entries complain about the selfishness and inconsiderate dispositions of others. It’s a lonely road to walk... having such little faith in the world. But, I manage with support from my friends and guidance from the Word. Another thing about fear is that it can get you stuck in a position. But I came across this awesome quote in my friend’s AIM profile, “The road of life is littered with squirrels that couldn’t make up their minds.” And, truth be told, I feel like I’m a squirrel stuck on an island in the middle of the road. Not really wanting to go back to the side I entered from... but scared of trying to get to the other side because there seems to be much more traffic on this side of the road. So I sit here waiting for Somebody/somebody to pull me out of limbo to one side or the other... or possibly Somebody/somebody to nudge me one way or another. Sure, I may have a preference for which way I’m sent... but it’s not my position to decide. Whatever happens… happens. And, the comforting thing is, as powerless as I may be; the One in control will only do what is best in the end.

~ 12/17/2004 Peace of mind is something that we highly value. Remember all those insurance payments... we pays tons for it hoping that we’ll never have to use it. Sounds really dumb. But man. We feel peace of mind is so worth it that we make laws requiring everybody to have car insurance. Well, my point is that peace of mind is a good thing... remaining in uncertainty can cause unnecessary worry. There is comfort in the safety of what is known. But when what you know is that you don’t know... then there gets to be a problem. We all have to face up to the truth one day or else we’d just live in a fake world... and that sucks. So, even when the truth isn’t what you want to learn... in the end it is best to know what something is for what it is and not what you think it might be. In this world, it is rare that things turn out exactly as you hoped for... but conversely, it is rare that they ever turn out to be your absolute worst nightmare. What I do

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know is that a known uncertainty is a horrible thing to find safety in. When all is said and done, the truth shall set free my weighed-down mind and heart.

~ A lesson that pops into my head from my youth group: A guy was having issues with being overly worried about things... kinda a control freak. To attend to his problem, he decided to go to the store and purchase wooden letters to make a sign that read “LET GOD”. He hung this reminder on the door to his bedroom. One especially frustrating day when things really weren’t going his way, he came home and entered his bedroom. His eyes briefly registered his reminder to “let God” help take control of his life. “Let God do what? My life is a mess now” he muttered in disgust, slamming the door shut behind him. A small crash followed. The guy turned around to see that one of the letters had fallen to the ground. The message that remained was “LET GO”.

~ 6/30/2003 LET GO Learn to let go Can’t keep control anymo’ Gotta let the dice fall as they do Gotta sit back and see things play thru Have faith that things will work out Can’t have any inklings of doubt Must look forward for good things to come Dwelling on the past is just plain dumb The time has come to prepare for the future The passing of time has been my cure

~~~ ON SELF-OPINION/OTHERS’ OPINIONS OF MYSELF Stereotypes form for a reason. Long running observed trends lead to stereotypes. I know I’m guilty of forming perceptions of people based on stereotypes. But, I know you can’t judge a person by the categories they fall into. I myself hope to break many of the stereotypes that people might classify me under. And, I know that there are people who feel exactly the same way as I do when it comes to not being judged by the performance of others similar to oneself.

~ 10/3/2004 So I’m back home right now. And, as I drove back home this morning, I was just noticing the characteristics that I associate with my hometown: the perfect lawn in front of every house… the speeding mustangs and camaros on the freeway. I find that I dislike these things that represent where I grew up. Then, I got to wondering about what characteristics people might define me as. I think about the traits that I

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would like people to mention when describing me: considerate, hardworking, well organized, calculating. Then, I thought about the things that I don’t like about myself that I’m pretty sure people notice but are too polite to say: overly-worried, untrusting, stubborn, unmannered. That last one is something that bugs me because it can affect others. I feel really bad when I forget to say “thank you” and just stuff like that. I’m just awkward in social situations. I really don’t mean to be rude. I just don’t know how to be polite. However, the one that I really dislike about myself is the overly worried characteristic. It eats at me constantly. Anyways, it all boiled down to me asking myself one question: what one word would I like to be defined as? Just one word. I decided that that word would be Christian. When I think of the word Christian I associate those positive adjectives I mentioned above. The kicker is that my defining Christian would also involve the ridding of the negative characteristics. Like... I can’t define myself as Christian if I maintain those negative characteristics. I wouldn’t be worried all the time if I have the faith to believe that all is in His hands and will turn out according to His plan.

~ 1/23/2005 The theme for my youth group’s winter retreat was “reconciliation with”. Of everything we covered, the one thing that I was surprised that we didn’t cover is reconciliation with self. I watch a lot of people go about their day with this attitude that they are second best to others. Sure, it’s intimidating when you are taking classes from bright professors and your classmates all manage to get answers to problems that take you hours more to do just like that. But hey… everyone has their strong points. Many brilliant people lack common sense. Trust me… if there is an emergency, I’d rather have somebody with common sense around than somebody who could derive the Schrödinger equation. But anyways, I was surprised that there was no lesson on how to reconcile with oneself. No advice on how to maintain a healthy level of self-respect. It’s something that I find myself struggling with everyday. Am I really worth THAT MUCH? I remember we did this thing in psych class in high school where we told a little bit about ourselves to the class, and then people from the class would make a positive comment about you. The characteristics that my friends said about me were not even things that I thought I had. I specifically remember from 4 years ago, they said that I have a super amount of patience when I’m explaining stuff… whether it be about chemistry, math, or sports. And when I’m explaining, I don’t act like it’s simple to understand; they said I make it like the question wasn’t stupid. It made me want to cry; the experience made me realize there are people thankful for me. The things I did didn’t go unnoticed. I found that my friends just have a hard time expressing their gratitude. And that goes for me too. I catch myself a lot of the times not acknowledging people’s efforts until it’s too late. But hey… late is better than never. So my point is: be patient with yourself. You have to realize what your strong points are. Which can be very hard sometimes. Just like everybody else that you may hold in high esteem, you are a living, thinking, and feeling human being as well. Don’t overprice yourself; at the same time don’t sell yourself short.

~ 2/19/2005 ID tags People wear them so that others can know something about them. For me, I have a Medic Alert ID tag that hangs around my neck everyday. In case of emergency, (i.e. car accident, a bicycle takes me out on ring road, etc.) the ID tag has vital info, a phone number to call for access to medical records, instructions for paramedics, etc. Usually, I keep my ID tag hidden inside my shirt mostly because I’d feel somewhat dumb if the thing kept clinking every time I stepped or reached down to get a pen or something. Well... a few months ago, I realized that this ID tag also served as a reminder to myself about my condition... and that I’m not normal. Well, for a while, I really paid attention to this idea. When I looked at myself... I saw the tag defining me as a person. The tag became a barrier that held me back from behaving “normally”... as I would if I didn’t have a condition. Of course... such a thing is not really possible... but I can imagine. The

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tag also was a barrier for my thought process... not allowing myself to have normal thoughts and day dreams without some voice in the back of my head piping up. Like... “Oh wouldn’t that be nice... but wait... no... you are ‘special’” would be my thought process. So... one day... I stopped myself in the middle of one of these interrupted thoughts and questioned myself if I was viewing myself correctly or in a fair manner. They say “never judge a book by its cover”. Well... was that what I was doing? Was I judging myself because of who I was or what I was? I remember a few entries ago I cited an episode of CSI... “DNA: what you are never changes. Who you are is always changing and being redefined by the events of your life.” Was I being superficial? Or was I predicting that the majority of people of this world are superficial... and because of that, I was trying to envision myself in the eyes of everybody else. I myself would not view “another me” in the way that I thought everybody else would view me. So why was it that I could not trust people? Yeah... it’s that trust thing again. So, after being fed up with all these thoughts, I decided to modify my ID tag. I ordered a small 1” cross which came with your choice of a Bible verse on a tag. When it came in the mail, I took out the old necklace ID tag and yanked it so the chain would bust a link... slid on my new purchase and got the pliers out to fix the busted chain link. Now, everyday, I slide on a different identity. I arrange the three items on the chain in the same way every time. The outermost piece is the Medic Alert tag... then the Bible verse plate, Psalm 3:3: “Thou, O Lord, art a shield about me. My glory and the one who lifts my head”... then, closest to my heart is the simple cross. Now, I have a different reminder of who I am. People can still choose to only see the Terri and outermost Medic Alert ID tag that describes what I am. I can still look in the mirror and see the same thing as I saw before… the same tag representing me to the superficial eye. But what matters most to me is what’s underneath... closest to my heart. What matters most is also what protects me from what is out there in this world. I have this phrase that I tell myself: “The body is but a vessel that houses the soul.” So, people can chose to see the superficial... or they can search deeper. If they stop at the first level and only see the abnormal person... they can poke fun... whatever... it’ll hurt for a little bit... hey I’m human... but in the end my Shield is all the armor I need to face these attacks. That Shield is a love that is so powerful... a love that will conquer the confusion, the misunderstanding, the heartache. “Will His love inside your heart make you complete?” –Of the Seven, “What Rains True” 18

~ 3/19/2006 Remarkable is defined by www.dictionary.com as: worthy of notice; attracting notice as being unusual or extraordinary. Today I once again realized something peculiarly “remarkable” about myself. At least, it is remarkable to myself. I’m sorry if my play on words is pathetic... but I seem to have the ability to make people more “remark-able”... aka: people will tell me things I never thought they would discuss with me. I mean... these people are friends, acquaintances, etc. It’s not like total strangers are coming up to me and spilling their guts out. Still, I have taken notice of these occurrences. These people want my opinion on situations they are facing in their lives, and that’s cool that they value my input. Some of the times, I feel I’m not qualified to give my opinion... simply because I’ve never faced a similar situation as the one being discussed. But, I do realize this means I have an unbiased opinion... yet also a somewhat unfounded opinion. I try to think about what I do know... about the person I’m talking to... about what others who have faced similar situations before have told me... and I throw all that together into what I say. It’s very scientific... go off of what you do know, while keeping in mind that all that might not be enough knowledge to solve the problem. And now I realize that this is what I’ll be doing if I become a doctor... except I’ll be trying to solve the problems of complete strangers... using know facts and somewhat biased opinions. Anyways, I can’t remember what else I wanted to say... boo. Now that I think about it, maybe this remarkable ability of mine is only remarkable to me because of who I am... and how unwilling I am to open up to others about my problems/worries. I personally hesitate because I find it unnecessary for somebody else to know what I’m thinking about... just what can they do about it anyways? Does anyone know how to make me 6” taller? Ok... that was a blatant example... but you get my drift. True, it does feel better to discuss what is on one’s mind... just for the sake of doing so.

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Sharing your most troublesome thoughts with a companion helps strengthen the bonds of friendship... that’s a secondary result... maybe a kind of added bonus. So just what is my problem? I don’t know! Maybe I feel that the people I would talk to can’t relate to my problems... and/or the perspective I take when I look at them. This argument is somewhat founded... yay for being that 1 out of 15,000+... genetically speaking. Everybody is far more special than that... you are definitely unique in your own way... just like how everybody else is unique in their own way as well . So... anyways... so much remarkable self-realization... and yet I find myself still un-remark-able. All I know is that I have a God to share everything with... a God who understands me better than I understand myself. That’s comforting... enough... or is it enough? There lies my debate. Do I need to share ALL my worries with people? It still won’t change how I try to live my life: love my God... love others... and don’t do anything to prevent somebody else from doing the same. I throw that third one on… even though it’s part of the second… ‘cause it’s a little more specific.

~ 4/14/2005 Reflection My mom once said that sometimes the things you most find fault in someone else is the exact thing people find fault in you for. For example, I get super annoyed when people are overly self-confident and think way to highly of themselves. But, I’m going to change that to “I dislike a person who PORTRAYS the attitude that they are something special and far more capable than they really are.” Why? Because even when I’m not paying a bit of attention to how I speak, apparently my mom thinks that I’m speaking with a tone like I know it all, which comes across as belittling towards the listener. I know I don’t mean for it to be this way… and I know that it really shouldn’t matter…that what is important is that the words I say are not misguiding, but are true and helpful. But unfortunately “all is vanity” (Ecclesiastes 1:2) in this world, and it does matter to the people in this world. So, even when I have a downright poopy day, I still need to try to watch the way I speak… to EVERYONE.

~ So, I’ve realized that one of the things that motivates me the most is saying that I can’t do something. This has been a longstanding trend from my early basketball days. Hearing “Why is that short girl in? Put MY daughter in!!!” is definitely a great way to make me play with more intensity and focus. “I’ll just prove that idiot wrong,” I’d tell myself. I knew they did not know the whole story behind what made me competent at what they thought I was not capable of. In that situation, the insult did not bother me because I thought out justification for why they spoke before they knew what they were saying. But during college, one incident, fundamentally the same “they knew not what they were saying” situation, really jolted me. My thoughts were as follows on 11/15/2003: So today in genetics class we were discussing natural selection. The question was whether what we were doing with today’s modern medical knowledge, treating genetically “unhealthy” individuals, is bad for the gene pool. Well, this one kid raised his hand to share his opinion. The prof gave him the mike.... what followed made me gasp. The guy said something along the lines of people with homozygous recessive genotypes shouldn’t be treated... they should just die off... something like that. I couldn’t believe somebody who got into UC Irvine would say something so... so wrong. I guess he didn’t think before he spoke. He never knew that he would be directly offending anybody in that room of 350 people. When I first heard it, I wanted to beat the living daylights out of him... like quietly get up and leave and wait outside so I could pummel him. My other thought was to put on my sunglasses and scurry out of the lecture hall almost in tears… later, my friends helped to convince me that that kid’s opinion ought to mean nothing to me... the shallow jerk’s opinion isn’t even worth my time to think about. Still, dumb as he is, he is still a human being. And, just the thought of a human being holding the opinion that I should “just die off” really bugs me.

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That was one of the more disturbing days of my academic life at UCI. But I realize there are such naïve people out there. And my friends were right: such people’s opinions shouldn’t matter enough to me to ruin my day. I didn’t let it get to me before; I shouldn’t let it get to me now. I’m sure I will face many more insults and discrimination in the future because of people’s assumptions and close-mindedness. I’m glad I learned about it when I did, and I’m even more grateful that my friends were there to stop me from letting it get to me too much. I kinda adopted that same “I’ll prove you wrong” attitude for that case too. My thought line became: I’m gonna live my life to it’s fullest and accomplish things for the good of humanity that a person that “should just die off” should never be able to achieve. It’s amazing how with a supportive network of friends, such an awful incident in my life became a motivation for me to achieve more.

~ I am accountable for my own thoughts and actions/inactions... that’s it. I may be able to influence the thoughts and actions of others for better or worse, but I cannot dictate them. Thus, my conscience should only be concerned with the consequences of my thoughts and actions... despite what opinions others may have of me. Although, the opinion of others can give clues about the effects or quality of my actions. Still, my God-guided conscience shall be my main judge.

~ I’m going to close with something neat I heard in church on 5/7/2006: Thought leads to action Action forms habit Habit produces character Character determines destiny

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References 1

http://www.yogaholidays.net/magazine/mantras.htm

2

Tomlin, Chris. “Forever.” The Noise We Make, 2001.

3

Camp, Jeremy. “Enough.” Carried Me: The Worship Project, 2004.

4

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

5

http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/PoemPage.htm

6

Hughes, Tim. “When the Tears Fall.” When Silence Falls, 2004.

7

Harris, Joshua. “The Room.” Originally published in New Attitude Magazine © Copyright New Attitude 1995.

8

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus%2021:22-25;&version=31

9

Of the Seven. “Awkward Song.” So Far, 2003.

10

Nelly. “Number One.” Nellyville, 2002

11

Relient K. “Be My Escape.” Mmhmm, 2004.

12

Linkin Park. “Somewhere I Belong.” Meteora, 2003.

13

Mao, Benny. “Give You Everything” http://www.exodusworship.com/songbook/give_you_everything.pdf

14

AFI. “The Leaving Song.” Sing the Sorrow, 2003.

15

Bright Eyes. “Bowl of Oranges.” Lifted Or The Story Is In The Soil, Keep Your Ear To The Ground, 2002.

16

Redman, Matt. “Blessed Be Your Name.” Blessed Be Your Name the Songs of Matt Redman, Vol. 1 , 2005. 17

Jimmy Eat World. “Nothingwrong.” Futures, 2004.

18

Of the Seven. “What Rains True.” So Far, 2003.

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About the Anomalous Signal Cover The cover image for this Anomalous Signal collection is a digitally modified combination of two pictures I took of crystals from my x-ray crystallography research project at UC Irvine. The term “anomalous signal” in structural biology lingo refers to the phenomenon observed when the diffraction data generated from a protein crystal doesn’t “line up” because of the coordination of protein units’ electrons around a heavy metal atom. The slight misaligned shift in the data provides unique information that crystallographers use to unravel the mystery of a protein’s structure. The doctored image symbolizes what I feel is my relationship to the world. All the crystals are made from the same basic protein unit. However, they formed differently to present a different final appearance. I find it fitting that the out-of-place crystal representative of myself is smaller and more self-contained than the other crystal clusters that have comfortably formed in their native environment. My transplanted crystal, although thrown into these new surroundings, is still in an environment that promotes growth of crystals with structural integrity. The drawn-in cross that lies within my crystal symbolizes what gives me the internal support that will prevent me from being compressed or pulled out of shape. My Christian core is something that I hope people can see in me, in my character, after they look past my atypical appearance. I also wish for it to be noticeable only when people take that closer look at my life. It’s always been my style not to advertise with big flashing lights what I am about, but I will be completely honest and forthcoming when asked. Anyways, I hope that the commentary I have presented herein may provide some logical explanations of what exactly makes people work the way we do. I know my slant on things is out of the ordinary, but I’ve never been about cookie-cutter conformity. I write about it like I see it. It is my unaltered opinion; nothing was withheld. Plain and simple, it is my best attempt to describe the truth of my life’s reality.

About the author Teresa (Terri) Tseng grew up in her self-proclaimed “bubble within a cave” city of Agoura Hills, CA only to go on to college at the bubble known as UC Irvine. She is currently pursuing an MD/PhD at UC Davis. Teresa is an avid sports fan who also likes to delve into the musical world with a guitar. After a soul-searching college experience, she feels that her life is refocused. Now, she is eager to serve the Lord with her life’s work whether He may lead her along her life’s journey.

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