Pain

Table of Contents Preface 1-4 Pain 5 Workshop 6 Ulan 7 Rain (translated) 8 Elbow 9 Child 10 Heat 11 Hard boiled Egg & Soy Sauce 12 Greet the Morning Sun at the Doorstep Tomorrow 13 Undertow 14 Like two hungry bodies 15 Swimming 16 Death Fantasies 17 Usa ka gabii nikaon ug balut si mama 18 ug nahuna-hunaan niya iyahang ika-duha nga asawa Blood 19 Departure 20

Pain Andy Warhol’s knivesscratching your gut, leaving it with a muzzled dot

~VMSA Poem # 1 (Anything Poem) Workshop I sit at the center, the red metal stool carries my weight. the girl in blue stares me down with tiger eyes. I face the other side, drag the stool as it screeches, and bites my skirt— sounding like my thoughts of repulsion The teacher shouts, “What’s the central image?” the girl nods, not once but twice as the man hammers my poems on the table. I face them both, carrying my own weight he hurls my paper up in the air, Our eyes witness as my words fall like loosened leaves of a tree.

Poem # 2(Rain Poem) Ulan Niulan napud ug luha ang langitMitagak agi sa iayhang aping Dag-om ang kulur sa gawas Usa ra ka sonata ang imohang madungganAng yawyaw ug saba sa iyahang paghilak, Ig-on niini ang tulog nga yuta, Patiyon ang musilaab nga kalayo, Ang gapahulay nga mga dahon Kay nakamata ug misayaw kauban sa tin-aw nga luha “Wala ko nakamatikod nga muabot kaDili nako ka mabana-bana ug matagnaan, Mura’g mga kaagi nato nga Dili malimtan Apan kabalo baka nga taga tagak sa imong luha Mitulo pud ang luha nga dugay na nakong gihandom nga mutulo, Karon lang pud ko nakahilak ug ing-ani Sama sa imohang gibati nga kapakiyasan, Ako nihilak uban sa imohang pinakamingaw nga sonata, Sundo baya kay ingni ko kung kanus-a imohang muabotay nga pagbundak Aron maka andam ko sa akong panyo, Puti tung niaging bulan pero Nahimo ining kulur abo, Ug ang akong luha? Dili mapunpon sa imohang kamot, Bug-at ang mga binhi sa kamingaw Apan musayaw gihapon sila Uban sa nihilak mong sonata.

Rain The sky cried tears it drifted on its cheek Outside the color is overcast you could only hear a single sonata the whining and the clamor of its cry it will hit the sleeping earth kill the blazing fire, and the resting leaves awoke and danced together with clear tear “I haven’t noticed that you’ll comeI could not assess and predict you, just like our unforgettable travails” But don’t you know that every time you tear trickles the tear that I longed to yearn will also drip It is only now that I cried like this just like the frustration that you felt I too cried together with your saddest sonata Next time, please tell me when your forthcoming downpour is so that I could prepare for my handkerchief, white last month but now it is gray and my tears? they couldn’t be cupped by your hands, heavy are the grains of sadness but still they dance along with the cry of your sonata.

Poem # 3 (Elbow Poem) Elbow When at times I could barely see you I could not help but contemplate in front of the mirror: I am now nineteen but it seems like you are older than me, You age faster than my father He is forty-six but not as wrinkled as you are, You are more likely to resemble my granny Whose skin is as finer as that of a sphinx’s neck but the lines are not so roughly etched but something’s hilarious about your textureI noticed it when my seven year old naked brother ran before me last night for a chocolateI saw the dangling creature between his legsan elastic scrotum same with that of an elbow.

Poem # 4 (A letter to a child you would never want to have) Child go away child, i don't want you to come near me, you don't own my flesh, you don't share my fate i play with the boys during the night and you, together with your playmates in the day i attend parties as an escort, sleep with them in luxurious hotels and once played tong-its behind the bars i don't want you to come near me, and flash that angelic smile your sweet gesturesthe lollipop you offered me, paper dolls you gave me i hate them all, you don't deserve my pityi share none of myself to you don't say "mama, i wanna pee", don't cry "mama, mama help me", "you don't like to sleep with the rats, don't you?" or play with tattered dolls?" so don't come near me, please go away and leave i don't need an angel, reallyFor dear child, you know nothing about me.

Poem # 5 (Heat Poem) Heat I was at my solace one afternoon Free from physical burden and distress But the sun is blazing with scorching heat that I could feel the cold sweat on my neck I was wearing a tangerine T-Shirt which Mom gave me as a birthday presenta neon colored shirt resembling dusk cooler than mid day’s streaks of brilliant sunSun stood proudly in heaven-(before me) Muted in the silence of the azure, Silence in its own way but arrestingA penetration we have to endure I was soaked in sweat by the mid day sun Sweat from my forehead down to my armpitI felt I wanted to get drained in the rain So I would not feel ashamed again The sun had its own color of vengeance When heat felt like a living fire from hell

Poem # 6 (Lyric of Dialogue) Hard boiled Egg & Soy Sauce "How does it feel to be freed?" "I know no answers, i have been trapped here inside my shell" "How does it feel to be gnawed by an incisor?" "Well,i feel like a devoured seed, like a tiny part of a cell resembling a pore" "How about you, where does your life lead? do you have life like coals in hell or did you ever wish to soar?" "Okay listen, take heed i am black and not so well, why?, just don't ask me anymore" "To know one's existence is what we need so tell me your story, please, please tell were you once a fairy or maybe a crazy whore?" "How i wished i was once a whore, full of greed my pleasure, my body i wished to sell but reality hurts, I'm just a soy sauce, sometimes messing the floor" "Aren't you contented with your deed? you make delicious meals, tasty, sometimes as chief pickle worry no more, your life has its own flavor" "It's as if we are trapped in a creed no life, no hopes, no piece of nickel what are we without freedom, without a view of a shore?"

Poem # 8 (villanelle) Greet the Morning Sun at the Doorstep Tomorrow Greet the morning sun at the doorstep tomorrow, darkness should curl on its blanket and give way; revel, revel before the sun sets low. your workaholic husband always arrives five in the morning or so, “Happy hours with the boys,” he’ll saystill, greet the morning sun at the doorstep tomorrow. Household chores that you knowfrying pans, plates and laundry- you do all day, revel, revel before the sun sets low. Kids asleep at night, a silent sorrow No husband for sweet talks for he is awaystill, greet the morning sun at the doorstep tomorrow. Do not let the night become your foe It is your husband who is unfaithful, who loves to play revel, revel before the sun sets low Mother, I want you to be strong-let go speak your mind to your husband, it’s his price to pay Greet the morning sun at the doorstep tomorrow, revel, revel before the sun sets low.

Poem # 9 (Love Poem)

Undertow We were in a deserted room on midday he was sitting on a white chair, I stood behind him and we witnessed the crisp leaves falling from an old mango tree outsidethe wind gently caressed our bodies he lifted his right arm pulled my hands to his chest, my fingers were trembling as though they were wilted stems i tried to undo his gripbut he was strong , his arms wrapped around me like vice and his lustful kissesengulfing, devouring, hungry he pushed me on the white blank wall, his hands on my breasts as he hooked me, penetrating the whole, (a feeling shot through like dozen knives at once) in and out in and outuntil he reached his ecstasyI gathered myself In the embrace of cold a feeling shot through like knives at oncehe left none of himself; his haunting shadows, his breath echoing off the wall brought a crack to my soul

there were my silent tears, a crumpled 500 peso bill behind his grocery, and a crimson dot on the floor

Poem # 10 (Erotic Poem) Like two hungry bodies Like two hungry bodies Her full breasts clasp by his fingers, she opens her mouth in satisfaction, lips lock by lustful kisses, by his scarlet tongue fingers crawl to her white thighs, legs fling wide she closes her eyes in satisfaction, she clutches his fingers like how she grows a stem he wears her like his shirt, his head, on the hole, gains satisfaction more and more their legs curl together like a knot their bodies kiss, glide, slick wanting no more separation panting, they curl like waves biting the shore together.

Poem # 11 (Sports Poem) Swimming Head in the water, blow bubbles through exhaling slowly, balance yourself in the water try floating then travel through the water with the chest and head pointing downward toward the bottom. Legs moving up and down quickly and continually, (each arm stroke begins as the right arm is brought in front of the head and into the water) right hand strokes the water, (right elbow should be above the surface of the water and the body should be tilted slightly to the left side At the same time, the left arm accelerates underneath the water in a pulling motion down the length of the body.) your body should tilt completely to the right or left side, you should roll the head to the same side and take a breath, After inhaling, you face back in the water, looking toward the bottom of the pool, exhales slowly through the nose or mouth as your body rolls toward the other side.

Poem # 12 (Death Poem) Death Fantasies just last night i went to a coffin maker to ask for a casket reservation, he asked me what size I would prefer i chose to have some adjustments, so i could have my little things with me i could imagine myself lying inside the casket wearing mother's Sunday dress, hearing testimonials during my eulogy people peeking at me, and cold teardrops hitting the casket's glass i would like to be my own Cinderella when i'm dead, beautiful and adored with red lipstick to hide the scar on my lower lip i would like to witness the smiles of the people i love i would like my favorite songs to be played when i'm buried, i would like my family to visit me everyday i embrace death but death has no response, i'm tired of needles, of cups and saucers, of street garbage, of other people's baggage and unsent greeting cards i bow before death, my final sanctuary a tiresome journey a brilliant sunset fade this is my ideal impossible death, i merely weep through my death fantasies.

Poem # 13 (How to eat/How to cook Poem) Usa ka gabii nikaon ug balut si mama ug nahuna-hunaan niya si papa, iyahang ika duha nga asawa “papaliti ko ug balot nimo day gusto ko makatilw ug dise-otso”, gihatagan sa tindera si mama ug nilakaw nag laroy-laroy sa dalan gunit ang itlog nga init-init pa nalipay si mama, nikatawa mukaon napud siya ug balotug bana (kay nganong nangasawa man gud ug dise-otso) gipukpok sa dalan nga semento ang balot, nag-krak, gihinay-hinayan ug abri ang gahi nga itlog ug gisupsop ang init nga sabaw, gihaloan pa gyud ug suka aron aslom-aslom ug gidugangan pa ug asin, gisupsop ni mama ang balot hangtud mahurot ang sabaw hangtod ma-uga ang itlog paghuman ug supsop gi hinay-hinayan ug kagat ang pisô nadamilan niya ang buhok, ang bukog ang mata ug ang unod, lamimurag karne sa manok pero giluad ni mama ang pisô kay giluod siya sa suka sa iro nga iyahang nakit-an, wala niya gitulon ang dise-otso anyos, nga nagbilin sa iyaha kaganinang buntag paggikan niya sa night club.

Poem # 14 (Menstruation Poem) Blood one morning, she wakes up and finds her bed sheet stained with blood one morning, she is seen walking with a blot of blood on her skirt one morning, she is told by a stranger that there is a red stain on her skirt after she empties the chair one morning, her sanitary napkin (that she carefully and thoroughly wrap with a sheet of paper inside a cellophane) is bitten by a dog and is seen scattered on the ground torn into pieces one morning, she coils in her bed like a fetus, avoiding household chores, bearing the pain she is one with women of her kind their blood, everywhere houses, streets, restaurants, floor of the bathroom cubicles, a slippery dark-red thing flowing out she will feed the dogs even some of the fishes they will love the smell, the power and the taste of a woman.

Poem # 15 (Dramatic Monologue Poem) Departure Last night, i prepared the room for the two of us, fresh red roses beautifully arranged on top of the side table beside the bed, scented candles warmed the room, sweet music serenaded the night and “Romantic Desires” perfumed the air inside but i slept alone. He arrived the next day, almost five in the morning everything inside the room had died out, myself along with my desires, my longings “Happy hour with the boys,” he said. i wailed like dead waves on a sea, Hit the shore and relished my recoil “There will be better days,” i said to myself, I’ll laugh together with unhappy wives exhaust myself numb the pain after all, the night was not really for him it was a gift i shall offer to my little angels, my children i am no longer a wife, only a mother.