Non Candidacy Release 111309

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE November 16, 2009

Right-Wing Sock Puppet Blogger Says 'No' to CD-7 Run DeGrow: I Waited for the McCain Phone Call that Never Came DENVER—Crusty local political blogger and right-wing sock puppet Ben DeGrow stunned crowds late Friday with his announcement that he will not be seeking the Republican nomination for Colorado's 7th Congressional District in 2010. A substantial crowd gathered near the west steps of the Colorado State Capitol for what they believed to be a message of hope. Instead, the lanky Arvada resident and policy wonk dropped a bombshell that dampened a perfectly cool and overcast November afternoon. “After a lot of thought and consultation with the Party's Big Money donors, who couldn't even be bothered to blackmail me, I have decided the timing just isn't right,” DeGrow told the audience. “Count me out of the Congressional primary in 2010.” The Capitol assemblage rivaled some of the larger Tea Party gatherings in size, according to unofficial estimates from a handful of nearsighted observers. Reports indicate that anywhere between seven and 700 eligible Republicans are vying to challenge two-term Democratic Congressman Ed Perlmutter in the November 2010 election. Ryan Frazier has been considered the GOP frontrunner, but new rumors have emerged that Lang Sias, the national veteran's director for John McCain's failed 2008 presidential run, soon will join the growing fray. “I can't tell you the number of painful hours I sat by my cell phone waiting for Senator McCain to give that special call and urge me to throw my hat into the ring,” said DeGrow. “But it never came.” Lending their support for DeGrow's non-candidacy, a host of fellow People's Press Collective contributors and Rocky Mountain Alliance members stood close by on stage during the 10-minute speech. Some of them had a difficult time escaping the spotlight as well. Boulder County libertarian Ross Kaminsky refused to comment on whispers that a DeGrow campaign in the 7th CD would have lit a fire under him to take on millionaire freshman Congressman Jared Polis in the 2nd. And when asked if he was seriously contemplating upgrading his state house challenge to a showdown with liberal stalwart Diana DeGette, longtime blogger Joshua Sharf merely paused to stare and then blink, before doubling over in full-throated laughter. “I'm honored these guys would risk their public reputations to stand by me and take the heat during this difficult decision,” DeGrow said.

The washed-up former sports writer deflected charges that his decision was influenced by heavy criticism from various Colorado Republican campaigns. Operatives have griped that a DeGrow for Congress team would gain an unfair advantage in a bimonthly political survey co-sponsored by DeGrow and fellow non-candidate and pajama-clad blogger Michael Sandoval. “Look, it would be a heck of a bigger deal if Rasmussen were the one up here announcing he wasn't going to take on Perlmutter,” said DeGrow. On the other hand, mounting fears that the Colorado Education Association might bankroll a special 527 aimed at attacking the virulently “anti-public education” DeGrow until “his last shred of a chance at victory crashes and burns” played a small but certain role in shaping his decision. “Forget school supplies. I was hoping that automatic payroll deductions could be set up to divert teachers’ union dues into contributions to my campaign,” DeGrow said. “When a legal adviser assured me it wasn't going to happen, the decision became academic.” Initially, the 32-year-old DeGrow had eyed the race as an opportunity to guarantee immunity for himself, his wife and two young daughters from the impending effects of an Obama Care socialized medicine program. “The rest of you suckers would have been on your own,” he quipped to the crowd. “Count yourselves lucky someone might actually go up there and fight against more government controls in health care—except for Medicare, of course.” Yet judging from crowd reactions, the jibe offered little consolation. Many college-aged devotees in T-shirts sporting the would-have-been candidate's caricatured sock puppet likeness wandered nearby streets after the event, stooping to pick up random pieces of trash and offering strangers their handmade colorful “DeGrow for Congress” flyers—made from recycled, post-consumer product. “I'm really overwhelmed at the following my non-candidacy has received,” DeGrow said. “Initially I was just aiming to win the support of the right-wing, churchgoing, Michiganborn, pasty white, rail-thin, blogging baseball fan and tired father demographic....That other guy said he'd become my campaign manager. But I never was sold on myself.” In a post-event interview, the longtime 7th Congressional District resident offered a token amount of commiseration with his gaggle of bemused twenty-something sycophants. “I feel their pain. No look, I really do,” said DeGrow. “Now I have to go back to conducting softball interviews of the real candidates.” Initially lost on most of the crowd was the realization that DeGrow’s announcement to disengage from the political fray fell on Friday the 13th. The silent appearance of a mysterious figure in a hockey mask raised a few eyebrows. The figure carried a large redlettered placard with “Congress: House of Horrors” plastered on one side and “Save Medicare from the Political Buzzsaw” on the other. Both the local Lefty hit group Progress Now and the National Republican Congressional Committee refused to comment on separate allegations that they were somehow involved with sending the figure to the Capitol rally.

When asked if he would be throwing his support to one of the other numerous Republican hopefuls, DeGrow sighed and got a glassy look in his eye. “I don't know yet, but I do plan to go all in for that Clear the Bench Colorado gig,” he said. -#-