Nerd Boy Uncencored

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

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Devon Becker’s NERD BOY (Uncensored version) CHARACTERS Wayne: A genius 14 year old boy, who suffers from extreme bullying he is in love with Betty, detests Zak Trojan and wishes to be cool. He is very depressed but yet he is still a semi-happy person. Jon: He is a Lifelong friend of Wayne and Ben, He has a tendency to tell weird stories and say odd things. He is very full of himself Ben: Wayne’s Best Friend, He builds things in his garage spanning from sleep gas to computer hacking tools. He is naturally sarcastic. And has a short temper Zak: The Most Popular Guy in Wayne’s school he is from a rich family and he has had over 9000 dates. Ox: A dumb, Giant who does anything for money he has a Jail Record. His real name is Mortimer Oxford Ram: A short smart mouthed acquaintance to Ox his real name is Keith Ramses Mr. Smith: A Slave Driver of a math teacher who sits at his desk and cries whenever nobodies looking. Mr. Brown: A retired Drill Sergeant turned gym teacher he is known for his strict “Run 14 laps and if you walk you must run 20 more while being pelted with dodge balls” rule. Brad: Every school he goes to he takes over he is Zak’s sworn enemy. He is only 14 and he already drinks. Betty: Wayne’s love interest, she has called the cops on Wayne 14 times. Matt: Head of the Tech Team Bill: Member of the Tech team who always over reacts. Jim: A member of the Tech team who gets annoyed easily. Jane and Kate: Betty’s friends Tony: Wayne’s Imaginary friend from 3rd grade -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Nerd-Boy Scene 1 The stage is empty and you can see 6 desks Wayne, Ben, Ox and Zak are sitting in them Wayne (Sarcastic) Being Cool is so great!

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

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Zak I know right! Ox He’s Being sarcastic you idiot. Ben Wayne why did the plan backfire? Wayne I don’t know I got a little Crazy… Ben Anyway, I overheard the teachers talking, and we might be going to Juvenile Hall! Wayne Where’s Jon? Jon(offstage) You’ll never catch me Alive! Everybody looks stage left Wayne What theJon runs in and is being chased by Mr. Brown and Mr. Smith Jon Don’t eat me! Mr. Brown SIT DOWN MAGGOT! Mr. Smith Anyway, you boys are in a lot of trouble so if you don’t tell us what happened in full you are going to a juvenile detention center. Mr. Smith Like Mr. Oxford over there has 3 times. Wayne I’ll explain the story it was one week ago… Zak Flashback! Wayne It was 3:30 and 40 seconds Ben No it was 32 seconds Ox Shut up and tell the story Ben I’m just trying to help Wayne Ok it was 3:30 and 32 seconds Ox Whatever… Wayne

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We were at the bus stop and I was late because… Jon Why is it called a bus stop not bus pick up? Ben Good Question Jon! Ox (Loud Groan) Wayne Jon Please stop interrupting Zak JUST SHUT UP AND TELL THE STORY WAYNE! Wayne I’m trying to alright! Zak Whatever… Mr. Brown Zak Trojan shut up! Mr. Smith Now tell the story so Wayne It was last week… SCENE 2 Stage goes dark and the scene opens With Ben and Jon in different clothes Center stage. Ben Jon? Where’s Wayne? Jon No idea. Ben This is unlike him it’s already 3:30 Jon Yeah he’s never late for anything except that time I told him to meet me at the bridge but I forgot to go because it was the time my mom made me go to… Ben (Interrupting) Ah! Ah! Ah! No bizarre stories! Jon Awwwwww! Ben This is weird. Jon Yeah its 3:31 already God! Time flies! Wayne walks in stage left looking sad Ben

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado Whazzup! Wayne Betty ditched me for Zak Trojan again! Ben Zak Trojan? That rich kid who has been your arch enemy since grade school? Jon Yeah why would Betty want to go out with you? You’re missing 3 key components! Ben Yeah! Looks, Money, and kids who do your homework! Wayne Don’t rub it in. Ben Here he comes! Zak comes in stage right Betty is Holding his hand. Zak Hey Losers! Betty Hey Losers! Zak Did I take your date Waynie-Baby? Ben Leave him alone. Zak I would if you had more than 4 non nerd friends. Ben Crap. Wayne Don’t you walk away from me! Zak and Betty exits stage left. Ben Hey Wayne! Guess what? Wayne (Sadly) What? Ben I finished it. Wayne Finished what? Ben It. Jon The nerdtroglycirin! Ben Yep throw it at someone and they will be nerdified for 24 hours! Wayne

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Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado You thinking what I’m Thinking? Wayne, Ben, Jon (Maniacal Laughter) Jon What are you thinking? Stage goes dark than opens with a table Center stage with Zak and Betty sitting at it. 2 other tables are there with other kids sitting there. The other is empty Wayne Ben and Jon all enter stage left hiding There faces with menu’s Wayne Okay so when they order we throw the Nerdtroglycerin Ben Got it Jon Got it Waitress enters stage right and walks over to Zak and Betty’s table. Waitress What will you have? Jon Waitress spotted! Ben I’m ready! Wayne Wait! Zak Betty, wanna kiss? Betty Okay Zak Lets! Betty Okay! Zak (Puckers lips) Wayne GIVE ME THE GRENADE! Ben S-s-s-sure? Wayne TAKE THIS TROJAN! Zak What the Heck? Betty

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Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

6 Huh?

Wayne throws the grenade and Smoke emits from it. The smoke clears Zak Betty are you alright? Ben 3 Jon 2 Wayne 1 Betty MATH HAS CHANGED MY LIFE! Zak NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Wayne Ben and jon run offstage. Scene 3: Pay Back The Scene opens the next day At a series of lockers Wayne, Ben and Jon open 3 Of them that are next to each other Wayne opens his very secretive. Wayne (Closing Locker) Oh… Jon (Closing Locker) My… Ben (Closing Locker) God…. Jon We Sabotaged Zak Trojan! Ben (High Fives John and Wayne) Boyah!! Wayne That’ll Teach Him to mess with Wayne! Ben

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Yeah I can’t believe the Nerdtroglycerine actually worked that Dandruff from Wayne served as a great DNA sample. Jon How does it exactly work though? Wayne Yeah, how Ben? Ben Ya See, the fumes from the grenade if they are inhaled will change the patterns of the brainwaves to match the way the brainwaves of the person who’s DNA we used who is of course Wayne. Wayne But will Betty be like that forever… Ben Oh no, it will ware off in about a day so she should be back to normal. Wayne (Looking to stage Right) (Shrieks with fear) Zak Stomps in stage right Wayne (Nervously) Uhh Uhh uhhh… Zak You HAD to ruin it didn’t you Braniac. Hey Ox Hold em’ Down! Ox Ram and kids 1-3 and brad walk in stage left Ox With Pleasure! Ram Get em’ ox! Zak I went easy on you Wayne Zak snaps his fingers and Ox Holds Wayne Jon and Ben against the lockers Zack pulls out a Crowbar from his backpack And begins to pry open Wayne’s Locker Wayne Don’t do it, Please! Kid 1 OPEN IT TROJAN! OPEN IT Kid 2 what’s nerd boy hiding Kid 3 That’ll teach em’ to not mess with us Kid 1 That Wayne is a Failure at life ha!

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Betty Enters Stage Right dressed normally Not like a nerd. She looks angry. Betty Zak Trojan!! You Immature Jerk! Wayne Betty? Zak Who? Oh you’re date #4590 Betsy right? Wayne Jerk. Ox Hey Trojan! Just Shut up and open it prettyboy! Wayne No PLEASE! Zak Say I’m The Man! Ox Say It! Ben Zak You’re the Man! Jon You Da Man Zakkattack my Shizzle! Wayne I refuse! Zak I’ll Open it! Jon Say it Wayne for Gods Sake! Wayne Zak…yourtheman…. Ben Okay Let us go Mortimer! Ox I am NOT Mortimer Oxford its OX! And He’s Not Keith Ramses he’s RAM! Ram Yeah! Ox Shut it weirdo Zak Open’s Waynes locker to reveal A shrine to a calculator everyone except Wayne Ben and Jon Laugh hysterically

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Zak (Laughing) Oh my god what LOSERS! You don’t even deserve to live your retards HAH! Betty Whatta Nerd! Ben God… Kid 1 Lets Ditch These Guys! Zak leaves stage left with Ox and Ram, Betty follows him. Kid 2 That’ll Teach em’ to… Brad Why are we so mean to them anyway? Kid 2 Because it’s funny! Kid 1 And they are weird and poor so we got to beat em’ up and make them feel like utter crap to be cool your still new at this. Brad Isn’t that a little harsh Kid 1 No way! They’re weird so we’re allowed to! Brad So I make them feel like crap and then I get to hang with popular kids …Cool! Kid 2 I know we are! (laughs then stops) Kid 3 Ya see if you got Rep you won’t turn out like those nerds. Kid 2 You see here’s the food chain Cools, then Preps then Jocks, then Bullies, then Drama Club, then Band, then Chess Club, then Comic Club, then nerds, then freaks, geeks and psycho’s then Wayne and his friends. Brad So how do I get rep? Kid 3 Bullying, Ox is the master at that. Or dressing good, Zak is the master at that. Kid 1 Ya see if we make Wayne, Ben and Jon miserable and make them run out of town and go insane or better yet commit suicide we will be so popular we’ll be friends with Zak Trojan! Brad

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

10 Awesome

Brad and kids 1 2 and 3 leave Wayne Rep? Ben Cool? Jon WE SHOULD TRY THAT! Wayne What’s Cool though? Ben Tight Clothes? Jon Gangster Rap? Wayne Leather Jackets? The scene ends Scene 4 Scene starts with Wayne in a hallway in leather jacket, sunglasses And slicked back hair Ben is wearing skin tight clothes and Jon is Dressed like a stereotypical rapper he is constantly tripping over his pants Wayne So you think we are cool? Jon Oh Yeah man! Ben (Sarcastically) These Clothes So Comfortable Wayne Quit Complaining I can’t even smell because of how cologne I’m wearing! Jon And my pants keep falling down! Wayne Let’s just forget this idea Jon No way this might be our ticket to awesomeness! Ben Whoop! Wayne Yeah! Jon Ok so when you spot Betty act like jerk like in this book. (pulls out book and hands it to Wayne)

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Wayne (Reading) “I’m Rich you’re Hot so shut up and date me by Herb “Wish I was married” Phillips” Are you serious? Jon (Proudly)Yes I am! Well let’s just try this idea for once ok!? Wayne (Hesitantly)Sure Ben Why do you doubt that this will work? Jon Exactly look at Ben! Wayne Everything we try fails or succeeds than crap rains on us! Ben That is true maybe we should avoid something like this Jon Oh come on man! Wayne Ok we will try this out. Jon Trojan Alert! Zak What are you Nerds doing? Ben Shut up we’re cool Wayne Yeah Buzz of Trojan! Zak No, you guys are not cool Nerd boy Here is a Friggin greaser from the fifties! Freak o’ nature thinks he’s ghetto! And The Terrorist looks like he’s gonna pass out! Wayne Than what exactly is COOL than Trojan!? Zak Not you! Wayne That was weak even for you! Zak (Laughs like a jerk) Wayne I told you this was a bad idea Jon You’re not being Jerkish enough! Ben Let me demonstrate

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado (To Offstage) Hey Fatty! Yeah you! Wait! Don’t come this wayI didn’t mean it! Wayne (Sarcastic and angry)Well that was a Success right DJ Jon! Jon I thought so! Like the time I created jelly out of tentacles of aBen Just stop Wayne Ben you ok? Ben Just a little dizzy Wayne Are you sure Jon Your Bluer than Windex! Ben No (Gasps) I (Gasps) Am (Gasps) Fine (Faints) Wayne Face palms and drags Ben offstage Scene ends Scene 5 Actors from later scenes are sitting in desks and Wayne and co. are Sitting at the back Mr. smith is directing the class Mr. Smith Ok Mr. Isaacs what is X in this equation (Points to back of stage where there is a chalkboard) Wayne 98.45 to the power of 6. 7 repeating! Ben How’d you know that Jon He’s a living calculator Mr. Smith Continuing with the lesson we will

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(Loud Crash) Be right Back (Leaves stage) Wayne Look at that Trojan! Ben He smells like Axe bodywash! Jon Maybe he is the key to us being cool! Wayne Hey Ben any way you can find something juicy on Trojan? Ben How about I place a camera in the cafeteria bathroom door put a laxative in his milk and lock the bathroom door! Jon Let’s do it! Wayne Oh here comes smith! Mr. Smith (Enters stage right) Problem solved Ok Trojan What is Y in this equation Zak One second I got to tie my shoe! (Whispers to nerd) I will give you 2000$ if you tell me the answer! Random Nerd No! Zak 3000? Random Nerd Ok! Its 400.9 with a remainder of 5 Wayne Cheater Ben Let’s totally pull this off Jon (Laughs) Wayne Shut up! Jon No! Ben Dude SHHH Jon Why? Zak

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado Please be quiet I am trying to learn here! Mr. Smith Silence Mr. Issacs! Ben I hate Mr. Smith Jon I don’t like Number Man! Mr. Smith Detentions for all of you! Jon Awww Mr. Smith 2 detentions for all of you! Wayne (Slams Head Against desk) Mr. Smith Now Get outta my classroom you filthy Pubescent Misfits! Everybody Leaves except Wayne Ben and Jon and Mr. Smith Wayne We can all leave now? Mr. Smith Yes (Hides behind his desk) Mr. Smith No more please… Wayne Mr. Smith Are you there? Mr. Smith Yes what it is Mr. Isaacs? Wayne Are you ok? Mr. Smith YES! Leave now! Wayne Ok fine lets go guys. (Leaves) Ben Later! (Leaves) Mr. Smith Bye! Ben Wait up Wayne! Jon Bye Mr. Number-man (Leaves)

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Mr. Smith (Cries) I Have NO life! To Many E-mails To Many Detentions To Many Assignments TO MUCH KIDS ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Takes out bottle and drinks out of it) I need a new job. (Cell Phone Rings) (Hold phone to face) Honey? No! (Crying)I’m not crying at work And no I do not have alcohol at work! Ok I do butButButButShut up Martha! No! IStoWhaBut INoArghhhh! ButWhat theBut Tommy isDo you know how hard-? BYE! (Throws Cell Phone offstage and takes another sip) Scene 6 Zak enters stage right with betty, Kate and Ox they chat with Zak for about 30 seconds then exit zak stops and ties his shoe as soon as zak leans down to tie its Wayne Ben and Jon Tackle him Zak What the? Ben See this Trojan? (Holds up Video Camera to Zak) Zak Oh no! That’s me crapping myself at lunch! Wayne Oh Yes!

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Ben Teach us to be cool or we show this to everybody! Zak Ok! Ok! Wayne So yes Ben Proceed to coolness training! Zak Fine first do something Crazy to be remembered by. (To the audience away from the others) Maybe they will do something SO crazy that they will get arrested Sweet! Ben What should we do? Wayne Any idea’s Jon? You’re the craziest one here! Jon We can drink Gasoline! Wayne To crazy Jon We can steal my uncle’s car! Wayne That sounds good! Jon I already know how to hotwire a car and my uncle is in prison for grand theft so it won’t matter! Wayne I thought you lived with your Uncle? Jon I do! Wayne So you live alone? Jon Yeah my mom placed a restraining order on me. So she can’t watch me. Zak You guys are so weird (Nods Head) Scene 7 Jon and Ben and Wayne are next to 4 chairs set up like a car Ben is in the driver seat and wayne is outside and Jon is in the passenger seat Jon Like the Hotrod? Wayne It’s more like a Rust bucket. Ben

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado Ok so I put this wire here? Wayne Yeah, according to the Force of the jolt it should Power it for 9000000 watts Ben English please Wayne The Electricity will make it run. Jon There hop in! (Wayne gets in the back) Ben This is pretty Easy (Starts driving) Jon Hey the school is over there!(Points out window) Ben YO PEOPLE LIKE MY SWEET RIDE?(Out window) Wayne Are they cheering? Jon No they’re laughing. Is that good? Ben No Wayne Well I think this worked! Jon Ben, watch the Frickin Road! Ben Huh? Wayne We Just crashed into a tree. Ben No Really!? The stage goes dark and switches to zak alone Zak Man these nerds never give up! I have been teaching them to be “cool” for a whole week already! These guys are never gonna be cool! Scene 8 Brad Yeah I heard that Trojan inc. steals Money! Girl Oh mah gawd really I gotta text EVERYBODY Brad And I heard that Zak helps break into houses! Bully

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Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado Really!? Brad He is a Theifson! Bully Ha! I like that! Your cool man! Brad Thanks! Zak What’s going on? Bully Don’t even talk to me you theifson! Zak Thief-what? Bully My boy Brad here says your pop Steals money and you help! Brad Your mom told me Zak My mom’s dead! Brad Because you killed her! Bully My God Really!? Zak NO! You know what I’m leaving Zak and everybody leaves Wayne Ben and Jon are thrown from offstage Zak walks past them entering stage right Wayne Why did we get thrown outta the Party in the janitor closet? Ben I thought we were. Jon I’m going back in! Wayne Wait is that Zak Ben Why so Sad my Shizzle Jon Don’t walk away from your homies! Wayne He’s really sad. Ben He deserves it for all the crap he put us through!

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Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

19 Jon Whassamattah Zak Get away from me youYouYou(Cries) (Leaves)

Scene 9 Zak is sitting on the floor and Wayne enters stage left Wayne Zak? Zak (Sadly) I’m Sorry Wayne Whoa Man are you ok? Zak I know now. Wayne Know what? Zak How it feels. To be humiliated in front of everybody! Wayne Wait what happened Zak Brad Hutchkinz Spread a Rumor about me saying I am a thief and that Pop steals money! Wayne The Thief son thing is about you? Zak Yes Wayne That Brad guy got us kicked out of the Closet Party! Zak I have a confession to make Wayne What is it? Zak You’re not cool. Wayne (Horsley) What? Zak I lied and I am sorry. Wayne Well I accept your apology.

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Zak Why? I have turned your life into a living Hell why would you want to accept my apology. Wayne Seeing you in pain is both very amusing and very depressing. Zak How do you other guys get back at people like me? Wayne We use Ben Zak The Terrorist? Wayne If you are going to hang with us no more Nerd boy Freak o’ nature or terrorist! Zak Wayne I am sorry for everything I ever did. Wayne You already apologized! Now let’s get back at Brad! Wayne The End of School party is on Saturday which is tomorrow… Zak I hope you have a plan! Wayne How about We put Nerdtroglycerine in the Water systems in the gyms and when brad shows up we trigger the sprinklers Zak Good plan! Wayne Thank you Trojan! Zak Just call me Zak Wayne Ok! Zak Let’s do this! Scene 10 Jon TROJAN Ben WHAT HAPPENED Wayne Chill he’s on our side Zak So is it possible to pull this off? Ben Yes its possible to put Nerdtroglycerine in the tanks Zak

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado Then let’s do it Jon So how’s this going to go down tomorrow? Wayne First when Brad arrives me and Jon will distract him! Meanwhile Ben and Zak will break into the Tech Room and insert the Nerdtroglycerine Than Jon will pull the fire switch And Bam Brad is nerdified Zak What about me won’t I be nerdified to? Wayne No for some reason your immune remember the diner incident. Zak Oh yeah but what about you guys? Ben *Facepalm* we are already Nerds Jon Exactly! Ben *Laughter* Scene starts with Jon Wayne Ben and Zak they are dressed nicely Zak Ok me and Ben are ready! Ben Got all my vials! Jon Ok you guys are all set are you ready Wayne Ben Wayne? Wayne Oh yeah I’m so Ready Jon Ok I will go stall Brad Wayne Good Luck! Jon Thanks! Wayne Let’s Go! Ben Good Luck! (Everybody Leaves) Scene 11

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Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

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Scene opens with Matt, Jim and Bill working on computers and a door is closed Ben Kicks it opened and is holding a can with a gun handle Ben Freeze! I got PEPPER SPRAY! Zak walks into the Room with 2 spray bottles Zak I got Hair Spray and Cologne! Ben What’s that gonna do? Zak I Sprayed it in my eye once and it hurt so… I can like spray it in their eyes. Ben *Face palm* Zak Well what else was I supposed to grab? Matt Ummm what do you guys want. And is there a reason that theifson is here? Zak Thief on this JERK! Zak Sprays both cans at matt’s face and matt Runs out of the room screaming Jim Wha-Whaddya wants from me!? Bill Ahhhhhhhhhh! Zak Open the Sprinkler Systems! Jim Whaddya planning ta’ do? Bill DON’T HURT ME! Matt Re-enters room rubbing his eyes. Matt What is the meaning of this? Ben Revenge, now if you don’t want more pain in the optics your gonna open the sprinkler system for me! Matt Ok-eee! Matt walks over to a water tank far

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Left of stage and opens it Zak Now youBill Screams randomly Bill AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Zak -Never Mind… Matt Done Opening it what exactly are you doing… Zak Rushes over to Ben Near the tank Ben Nerdtroeglycerine Bill AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Zak Dude shut up or I’ll give you a reason to scream! Matt runs to the door Matt Mr. BROJon appears and trips Matt Jon Hi! Bill AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Bill Runs out of the room screaming Jim This is too crazy I’m out. Jim stomps out of the room Jon Wow I fix all problems just by showing up MAN I am awesome. Jon Listen Wayne needs me I was just checkin’ on ya! Jon exits stage right Zak (Holds up red vial) Ok so I put in this one? Ben No Zak Screw you don’t tell me what ta’ do! Ben Stop that’s the-

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

24 Zak Listen I KNOW what I’m doing Kay!?

Zak opens the red vial and Pours it into the tank and kicks it shut the yells “KAZAM” Ben Dude… Zak See I never screw anything up! Ben That wasn’tZak You know what would suck? Ben (Sigh) What? Zak If that was the other vial that made people blind with rage! Ben *Face palm* Zak Why the face palm? Oh Ummm Sorry? Ben You are an idiot… Ben and Zak exit stage right. Scene 12 Scene opens with Wayne standing in the gym brad is standing at the podium Jon rushes to Wayne after he enters stage left. Jon I’m back! Wayne What’s the situation? Jon Ben’s working his Tech-voodoo on the sprinklers Wayne Good lets begin phase 3 as soon as they get here Jon (Looks left)Hey Zak! Zak and Ben enter stage left Zak We screwed up…

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado Ben (Points at Zak)HE screwed up Wayne *Face palm* Zak Why does everybody do that to me? Ben and Wayne Because you’re an idiot!* (Say it like this Be-CUZ-YOU-AR-AN-ID-EE-IT Wayne Now what happened? Ben shoots a look at Wayne. Wayne Or is it that bad? Ben Its worse Zak Oh no… Jon Oop gotta turn on sprinklers! Jon runs off stage left Wayne Wait NO! (Reaches out to Jon) Ben Zak put the riot-juice in the systems Zak They looked the same! Wayne (Sarcastically)Oh this is just great! Zak So what will happen? Ben It’s called riot juice Whaddya think will happen? Zak Oh this is bad… Wayne Its about to get worse! Brad Hello Awesome Dudes and B-E-A-Utiful Ladies Jane and Betty and Kate Tee-hee Wayne Oh Crap! The party is starting! All People with parts in the riot enter stage right and look at brad Brad

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I would like to kick off this Party with a special report from my sources saying that Mr. Arnold F. Trojan has just stolen money from all the opposing companies of Trojan Tech. Let us bow our heads in pity of his son Zak Tro(Sprinklers Turn on) Why are the sprinklers on? Arghhhhhh! My Suit is wet you idiots I just wanna punch somebody RAGHHHHH (Punches Ram) (everybody starts fighting) (Wayne and Zak dive behind a table and Ben hides behind the podium) Mr. Smith Call the Cops! Grab the Riot Sheilds! Mr. Brown Haven’t had this much fun since I ran naked through the jungle with a machete in Nam’ Mr. Smith Something is wrong with you Lawrence Mr. Brown Yeah you’re probably right! Brad Eat My fist Tubby! (punches ox) Ox Shut up Drunkard! (punches Brad) Ram Die Fatty! (Kicks Ox) Ox Die Shorty! (Throws Ram offstage) Ram Eat My FIIIIIIST! (Punches Ox) Brad Outta My way (Pushes people out of his way until he reaches betty) Betty (Grabs brad) He’s mine! Jane (Grabbs brad) Mine!

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

27 Kate (Grabs brad) Mine! Jane MINE! Kate MINE!

Jane MIZak Rushes in and Releases brad from the girls grip Zak HE SUCKS TAKE ME Matt enters stage left Matt Where’s the Freak of Nature? Bill enters stage left tramples matt and runs across the stage the exits stage right Bill AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Ox Shut it! Brad Eat my shoe!(kicks bill) Bill Ow! Matt (weakly)I’m outta here… Matt is unconscious and lays on the ground until later Ox picks up mister brown and holds him over his head Mr. Brown Smith! Save me! Ox NO MORE DETENTIONS OR DODGEBALLS!(tosses Mr. Brown off stage) Mr. Brown (offstage)This is worse than the time I set myself on fire in nam’! Ram I HATE PEOPLE! (Punches Betty) Everybody except Zak brad and Wayne leave but can be heard fighting offstage Jon returns from stage left Wayne (Walks over to Jon) Jon Why did you turn on the sprinklers! Jon I dunno…

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Wayne We are SCREWED Jon Well at least nobody will find us in here Wayne Let’s Hope! Zak BRAD! (Points at brad) Brad TROJAN!(points at zak) Zak and brad pick up Yard Sticks Zak On Guard! Brad Touché thief son! Zak Don’t call me that! Brad and Zak begin to fence with the yardsticks for 2 minutes than brad knock Zak’s ruler out of his hands and Zak sprays hairspray in brads face Brad MY EYES! Zak Wow now I’m glad I carry these! (Runs to Wayne) Rioters A-E and ox and ram enter stage left still fighting Rioter A RAHHHHHHHHHHH! (Punches B) Rioter B TESTOSTORONE!!(Punches A) Rioter C I DON’T DO STEROIDS! (Punches C) Rioter A RAAAAGH! (Kicks C) Rioter D AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Picks up E and throws him off stage) Rioter F enters stage right Rioter F What did I miss? I had to pee! Bully enters stage right Bully from scene 5 Get back here! (Chases F offstage) Ben gets up from behind the podium Ben Ok So the Riot-juice causes males to become blind with rage and fight it causes and females to become aggressive over guys they like interesting… Smith enters stage Right Mr. Smith

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29 Ben Franks! Ben Ummm hi! Mr. Smith Busted!

Wayne gets up Zak Wayne! Brad MY EYES! (Holding eyes) Ben RUN WAYNE! Ox picks up Brown again Mr. Brown I demand you put me down that’s an order MAGGOT! (Ox Tosses Brown offstage) Brad I HATE YOU TROJAN! Zak Wayne Look out for Ox! Brad My Eyes! Ox Hey Nerd boy! Wayne Huh? Ox punches Wayne and he falls to the ground The setting changes from Gym to Wayne’s Imagination everybody stands completely still and Wayne gets up and Tony enters stage left Tony Welcome to the afterlife Wayne. Wayne Am I dead? Tony Yes. Wayne You’re an angel? Tony Yes. Wayne Where are your wings? Tony There was a Screw up in Accounting and our wing funding went way down do only the “Higher ups” get them Wayne Oh

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado Tony Well there’s also something else. Wayne I’m going to hell? Tony If you don’t pay the toll Wayne Toll!? Tony Yup only 4.50 $ Wayne Total Rip man! Tony Wayne do you remember me? Wayne No I have never seen you befoOh mah god d its you tony* (*Say very Fast) Tony Yup Wayne So I’m not dead Tony Well they think you are. Wayne Who? Tony (Points at everyone else) Wayne goes back on the ground and the scene switches to the gym Ox Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. Ram You killed a nerd! That’s bad luck man! Ox Ocrapocrapocrapocrap Ram Well whatev(Points at rioter F) GET BACK HERE! Scene returns to Wayne’s imagination tony re-appears Wayne You’re the real tony from 3rd grade! Tony Yup the same imaginary friend! Wayne

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Well why did you take me here Tony To help you see that being “cool” is useless Wayne This is messed up beyond any stretch of my mind Tony Ok what did you get out of being “cool?” Wayne A fricking riot! Tony Exactly Wayne I thought people would like me and now people hate me more! Tony So why did you even try to be cool. Wayne Huh? Tony If you knew this is what being cool would turn out like would you have tried?” Wayne No Tony Exactly Wayne, you are a genius! Wayne No I’m not Tony You are going to be a millionaire! Your smarts will save the world someday the A-holes will ENVY you Wayne Envy Me? Tony YES! Wayne That would be cool Tony Well just remember middle school sucks andWayne I created you in 3rd grade how do you knowTony I know all Wayne You’re scaring me Tony GOOD! Wayne

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uhhhhhhh Tony Uhhhhhh Wayne Go on… Tony Well… Wayne You forgot where you were? Tony Kind of…. Wayne (Laughs) Tony Oh I remember! Had being cool got you anywhere? Wayne Uhhhhh no I think? Tony *Facepalm* Listen Wayne… You got a pretty big lump on your head from that brute and I took the advantage of that and talked to you through your subconscious. Wayne So I’m gonna wake up? Tony Yep. Wayne Well it was good seeing you tony even though I don’t understand what you where trying to tell me. Tony Later Nerd-boy Wayne Don’t call me that! Tony *Rasberry* Wayne Jerk! Stage goes Dark Scene 13 Wayne And that’s how it happened after that I woke up here Smith Because we brought you here Wayne So what’s our punishment? Smith

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

33 I don’t know yet…

Brad enters stage Right Brad What’s going on here? Are they arrested yet? Jon Gotcha! (Gets up and grabs Brads backpack) Brad Huh? Jon Almost! (Digging through it) Brad Get out of my backpack Jon (Happily)Got it! Beer! Ox Oh NO! Smith Officers get in here arrest those 2(points to Ox and Brad) Cop You’re going with me scumbags! (Takes Ox and brad away) Scene 14 Wayne and Zak enter stage right and They are laughing Zak and Ben look Like they are in their 30’s Wayne My god Zak Trojan how long has it been!? Zak My god WAYNE ISSACS! Never thought I’d see you again! Wayne (Looks to stage Right) Hey Ben I Found Zak! Ben enters stage right he is Wearing a lab coat. Ben Zak! Man it’s good to see you! Zak Wow! (Looks at Bens Lab coat) No way man! NASA? Wayne Yeah Ben Joined NASA and after I graduated from Harvard at age 17 I became a theoretical physicist! I’m making millions! What’d you do with your life Zak? Jon (Offstage)

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

34

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING Zak Well after Dad died he left me 10,000,000 Dollars in his will and his company, I sold his company and used most of my money to create “Trojan Charities” We raised over 30,000,000,000 Dollars for the Hungry! Jon and older version of Mr. Smith enter stage left Mr. Smith After 30 Years Mr. Jonothon! Still making trouble! Well anyway let me welcome you guys to the Bull Hill High School Reunion Now giving an apology speech is Mortimer “Ox” Oxford! Ben Ox? Uhhhhhhhh I gotta go Ben attempts to exit stage left but Jon grabs his collar Jon Where ya goin’? Zak Well if it isn’t the Freak of NaJon Runs and hugs Zak Zak -ture That… Didn’t Happen… Ox enters stage right and pulls out a piece of Paper, ox looks like he works in a gas station. Ox Hello I am Mortimer J. Oxford and now I would like to start this reunion with an apology, After I was sent to juvie my 4rth time I realized what I did was wrong and I tormented you guys for quarters and I saw no problem with it and look at me now, I am a fat loser who works in a gas station but I like it. And I also want to say that Keith Ramses my old best friend has died. He joined the army and was captured. He mouthed off to his captors and he was killed. Wayne He LIKES Working at a gas station? Ram is dead? Jon I would… Zak Well it’s good that he changed his ways. I wonder what happened to that Brad Jerk heBrad Stomps on stage wearing ripped Up clothes and I carrying a beer bottle Brad (Burp) Whaddya mean Jurk Yah Friggin Jurk (Burp) Zak Brad?

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

35

Are you drunk? Jon He smells like a cat turd wrapped in dead fish skin that was left to rot in aZak (Face palm) Jon Ok! OK! Zak Phew… Mr. Smith Mr. Brad there is no Alcohol PermittedBrad YOUR FACE IS NOT PERMETTED!!!!(BURP) Wayne I think you should leave Ben You’re ruining our reunion Jon And you stink. Wayne And you were the jerk that ruined my 8th grade experience Ox And the one that ruined my future Brad (Points at Jon Wayne and Zak and Ben) If they didn’t (hiccup) sabotage our Party we would (hic) have been (hic) cool still (hic) I would have shown you (hic) the way to salvation (Laughs) Ox Ok your getting on my nerves (picks up Brad and throws him off stage) Problem Solved! Zak I guess that worked. Wayne Have something to say. Wayne Even though you were jerks to me in middle school and thought you would be at the top your whole life I was there to prove you wrong thank you. It’s been a long night and goodbye! Ben Wayne Wait! Jon Let him go Ben. Let him soak it in that he has the envy of his old classmates. Ben What did you say? Jon (Shrugs)I don’t know.

Strath Haven Middle School Ms. E Salgado

36 Wayne It’s been great seeing you guys again! Zak Same here nerd boy… Same here…

Everybody leaves