Myth #4 Handout

Myth #4 –Good Parenting Leads to Happy Children

IS HAPPINESS THE GOAL? THE MYTH OF HAVING IT ALL The myth that “having it all will lead to happiness” is epidemic and helps to create unhappy people. There’s an assumption that we should all be happy, and we become discontent when we don’t feel that way. We wonder why we don’t feel happy because, when we observe others, they all look like they are happy. And, we wonder why we feel left out. Unhappiness is epidemic • • • •

1 adult in every 5 need psychiatric care 1 marriage in 2 end in divorce 1 adult in 4 needs medication to relax Unhappiness is present in all income groups; no amount of money solves this problem

Some children’s unhappiness is programmed by their unhappy parents •

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Stressed out parents can pass on unhappiness by saying things to their children like: “you’re a nuisance”, “you’ll be sorry”, “you’re selfish”, “you silly idiot”, “don’t be such a pest”, “you’ll slip and fall and then think how I’ll feel”, “why don’t you ever do what you’re told”, “you’re bad.” Pushy parents make childhood a stress-filled time of striving and competing-- no time for play-- “you’re not an okay person unless you excel at . . . ” Parents often mistakenly believe that extravagant birthday parties, expensive clothes, and up-to-date toys for their children are necessary and will make them all happy.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT BEING HAPPY? Things happen, and circumstances change. I can feel happy about one thing and unhappy about another at the same time. There is no command in the Bible that I should always be happy. Possibly, one of the great misunderstandings of modern society is the belief that Christians should be happy all the time. “God rejected this formulaic theology: If we obey God, He will bless us here and now, and we’ll lead wonderful, prosperous, and joy-filled lives all our days”. (Fields, page 82) Scripture does not say, “Don’t worry, be happy.” Scripture does say, “Don’t worry, and rejoice.” The Bible is saying that although I may not feel happy, I can nonetheless experience joy. There is a world of difference between happiness and Joy. Happiness is the great feeling that I get when everything is going smoothly. Joy is what God gives me in the midst of trouble as long as I place it in God’s hands. Happiness is because of my situation, I have joy in spite of my situation. The following Bible verses talk about joy: Romans 15:13 “Now may the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Psalm 30:5 “For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” James 1:2 “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” 2 Corinthians 4:17 “For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.” Keeping these Bible verses in mind, I see that God desires that I find joy, and that man’s selfish brand of happiness is insufficient. Therefore, the quest for happiness and/or the avoidance of unhappiness can be superficial compared to the joy found when I pursue holiness. “The most blessed among us are not those who are fully satisfied, content, and spiritually selfsustaining, but those who are broken, who want, who need, who long for what is promised.” (Fields, page 91) “God’s first concern is always his children’s holiness, not their happiness. “ (Fields, pg 86) “I am learning that it does not serve my children’s good to attempt to fulfill all their desires—most of which are not about pursuing God but about pursuing other things.” (Fields, pg 93) Key Point: Therefore, whether my child is happy or unhappy is not the most important thing, and is not an indicator of whether I’m a good parent. As I pursue holiness, and acknowledge God’s presence in my own life, I can show my children that life is not about “being happy,” but in feeling the joy that God is always with me. WHAT IS HOLINESS? Holiness comes from God alone and is a result of the relationship I have with him. Because of my relationship with Him, I am more likely to: • • • • • •

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Pray Study my Bible Love God Do God’s Will Live a life of faith Show humility, mercy, and benevolence towards others Be willing to sacrifice for others Possess the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22)

Being “Holy” sometimes seems impossible for me to achieve, as if it is reserved to describe great religious people. However, the choice to pursue holiness is for everyone. It is a continuing process. It does not involve making a hierarchy of my life by putting God at the top and ignoring all of my other responsibilities. It is knowing that God is with me in everything that I do. He will guide my path as I acknowledge Him.

HOW CAN I TEACH MY CHILDREN JOY IN A PRACTICAL WAY? (some possibilities):

1. Lose the sophisticated, reserved, and “proper” ways to relate to babies and toddlers

(“calm down, son,” “not here, dear,” “you can’t do that”), and be spontaneous with laughter, delight, excitement, and enthusiasm. Life can be fun despite hardships and stresses. • Games • Blowing bubbles, finger paint, water play, dance, music • Surprises, silly gifts, treasure chest • Outside activities, nature, animals 1. Attempt to see the world through the eyes of my child. Provide activities that my child shows delight and an intense interest in, and share that joy! 2. Give liberal encouragement, and praise – feel the joy of setting “goals” and working together (baby touching nose on command, clapping hands, learning to walk, saying first words, etc.). Remember that my child’s confidence is delicate. 3. Teach the joy of sharing, and serving by incorporating those into my life

Discussion Questions: 1. Is it wrong to desire happiness for my children?

2. What things are keeping me from joy this morning? Are there things in my life that I am anxious about, things that I’m still trying to find some way to control? How much of my life am I willing to give over for God to use? 3. If people were holier, would they be happier? 4. Do I ever use “God wants me to be happy” to justify my actions? 5. Do I often miss blessings because of my personal quest for happiness? 6. Does the pursuit of happiness get in the way of experiencing joy?

Bible Verses included in the chapter: Job 36:4 “For truly my words are not false; One who is perfect in knowledge is with you.” Job 36:11 “I they hear and serve Him, they shall end their days in prosperity, and their years in pleasures.” Job 42:7 And it came about after the Lord had spoken these words to Job, that the Lord said to Eliphaz the Temanite, “My wrath is kindled against you and against your two friends, because you have not spoken of Me what is right as My servant Job has.” Hosea 11:1 When Israel was a youth I loved him, and out of Egypt I called My son. Psalm 13:1 “How long, O Lord? Wilt Thou forget me forever? How long wilt Thou hide Thy face from me?”

Hebrews 12:28, 29 Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire. Leviticus 19:2 Speak to all the congregation of the sons of Israel and say to them, “You shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy.” Matthew 5:48 “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:29 “And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Hebrews 12:14 Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:2 Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Matthew 5:3-12 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the gentle for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when men cast insults at you, and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, on account of Me. Rejoice, and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”