Mcc's 2008 World Aids Day Resource

WORLD AIDS DAY 2008 Metropolitan Community Churches Global HIV/AIDS Ministry Theme: UNCOMMON HOPE

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Index Letter for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope By Joshua L. Love, San Francisco, California, USA

2

Letter for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope By Rev. Elder Ken Martin, Region 1

4

Sermon for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope By Rev. Nancy Wilson, Moderator of Metropolitan Community Churches, Worldwide

5

Readings for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope Compiled by Joshua L. Love and Melanie Martinez

9

Worship Elements for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope Written and Compiled by Melanie Martinez, Dallas, Texas, USA

11

Quotes for Reflection – World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope

15

Spiritual Activity for World AIDS Day 2008 – Writing Psalms for World AIDS Day By Lewis Reay and Rev. Maxwell Reay, Edinburgh, Scotland, United Kingdom

16

Reflections on Uncommon Hope in the Journey with HIV and AIDS By Rev. David Farrell, Palm Springs, California, USA

19

Reflections on Uncommon Hope for World AIDS Day 2008 By Christy Ebner, Dallas, Texas, USA

20

Reflections on Striving for Uncommon Hope in the Face of Difficulty By Preben Bakbo Sloth, Copenhagen, Denmark

22

Reflections on Uncommon Hope, Grieving, and HIV/AIDS – World AIDS Day 2008 By Rev. Axel Schwaigert, Stuttgart, Germany

23

Reflections on Uncommon Hope and Multi-Faith Partnerships in HIV/AIDS – World AIDS Day 2008 By Bobby G. Pierce, San Francisco, California, USA

25

A Personal Reflection on World AIDS Day – One of These Things is Not Like the Other: Facing HIV Exposure in a Transgender Body By Jakob Hero, Berkeley, California, USA

27

2

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Letter for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope By Joshua L. Love, San Francisco, California, USA Dear MCC Family, AIDS IS NOT OVER. This one simple statement of fact must surely awaken a response in the hearts and spirits of people of faith. AIDS is not over and World AIDS Day has come again. This annual time of remembrance, storytelling, and recommitment has become a part of the DNA of Metropolitan Community Churches. Once known as “The Gay Church”, then “The Church With AIDS,” and now “The Human Rights Church,” in places around the world, our position as firstresponders and compassionate healers remains vitally important. We have dared to act against impossible odds in order to bring an UNCOMMON HOPE into the world. Even as we held our brothers and sisters in the last days of their lives feeling the potent loss of a generation, our vision remained firmly set on a better day…a day when no more lives would be permanently changed by or lost to HIV and AIDS. We believed that there were powerful lessons to be learned through our seasons of lost lives and our powerful moments of physical survival. This deeply held belief informed our spiritual journeys and gave us tools and wisdom to share with the world. As faith leaders we have made a difference by stepping into the very heart of the fire and declaring that God is present still among us. We found the place where AIDS could not be relegated to a simple physical condition. We searched for the deeper truths and found them. AIDS has never been about the body alone. It is a condition of the body, mind, and spirit. AIDS crosses the depths of despair, soars on clouds of hope, and sits in hushed silence while time passes and no cure is forthcoming. The story of AIDS continues to span the fullness our humanity – the journey from remembrance to inspiration – from death to survival – from our capacity to harm one another with stigma and shame to our capacity for healing and compassion. AIDS is the ground upon which UNCOMMON HOPE can be lost or nurtured. Around the world, people’s lives are being impacted in profound ways, lives are still being lost, and marginalization forces many who are most vulnerable into invisible corners where help is not forthcoming. Racism, ageism, homophobia, heterosexism, sexism, and many other toxic beliefs are being allowed to continue. Where these exist HIV is most likely to spread unhindered. So, what is our responsibility to the hidden and invisible people in our communities and families – to the oppressed and the marginalized around us – to our own experiences of marginalization? What is our responsibility, yours and mine, to the people in our midst and around the world who are impacted by AIDS? Rabbi Jonathan Sacks in his book To Heal a Fractured World: The Ethics of Responsibility offers the following challenge from the Jewish perspective, “We are here to make a difference, to 3

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope mend the fractures of the world, a day at a time, an act at a time, for as long as it takes to make it a place of justice and compassion where the lonely are not alone, the poor not without help; where the cry of the vulnerable is heeded and those who are wronged are heard.” AIDS is an opportunity for people of faith, integrity, and compassion to say once and for all… Racism, ageism, homophobia, heterosexism, and sexism are not acceptable anymore. The time has come for us to put an end to these evils by acting from the strength of our faith. Bishop John Selders said, “When churches start HIV/AIDS ministries as a community outreach service but perpetuate the ‘down low,’ by not embracing their Same-Gender Loving Brothers in their church pews, we are not serving our people. When white lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are not equally incensed about the growing number of HIV/AIDS cases among poor straight African American women, we are not serving our people. When HIV/AIDS clinics deny treatment to transgender people like Maribelle Reyes…who died needlessly…we are not serving our people. As well as when those of us in the United States refuse to see beyond our own backyard to how this epidemic is destroying entire countries, we are not saving or serving our people.” Those words by Bishop Selders are a really good start on building the UNCOMMON HOPE required of us to heal and prevent the further spread of HIV and AIDS. As people of faith we have an opportunity to transform and heal the world by telling the truth, caring for and about all people, and remaining willing to act where we are needed. No matter how limited our experience or perspective may be there are places we can serve in the work to bring an end to HIV and AIDS, to bring and end to the marginalization of people, and the creation of a world where justice prevails. These are the places where we begin to build this UNCOMMON HOPE. We do not need to live in a world of fractured lives and fractured faith anymore. We can make a good start today by claiming our commitment to UNCOMMON HOPE. Each of you is a story that needs to be told. We all are one. So, we ask you to make a commitment to go and tell your story. If you think you do not have an AIDS story, I challenge you to find it. It is not possible to be alive in the world today and not have an AIDS story. AIDS has surely been a story with great loss in every chapter but for every pen stroke of loss there has been a conquest of UNCOMMON HOPE. You are the UNCOMMON HOPE of the future. You are the story yet to be told. You are, in fact, the END OF AIDS. Faithfully, Joshua L. Love Director Metropolitan Community Churches Global HIV/AIDS Ministry 4

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Letter for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope By Rev. Elder Ken Martin, Region 1 Dear MCC Family, As a young preacher many years ago, I went to the Bible in search of a definition for “hope” and was surprised to find that there was none! Hope is talked about and described but never defined. I did find an obscure Greek work used to describe hope and I have never forgotten it because it means literally to stare at the horizon awaiting the dawn. Faith believes the sun will come up, but hope gets up, gets dressed, goes out and stares at the horizon until it does. This year as we enter the Season of Advent, we celebrate a hope that gave people the faith to believe in a promise through generations of suffering, disappointment and loss. As we celebrate World AIDS Day, we have claimed a promise, too: it is a cure; it is a world without AIDS. We are certainly a people of faith, but this year we invite you to join us in an Uncommon Hope, as together we fix our eyes on the horizon believing that at any moment a new day will dawn. Faithfully, Reverend Elder Ken Martin

5

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Sermon for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope By Rev. Nancy Wilson, Moderator of Metropolitan Community Churches, Worldwide First Sunday in Advent By Rev. Nancy Wilson Moderator Metropolitan Community Churches Reading Mark 13: 24-37 “But in those days, after that time of distress, the sun will be darkened, the moon will lose its brightness, the stars will fall from the sky and the powers in heaven will be shaken. Then they will see the Promised One coming in the clouds with great power and glory; then the angels will be sent to gather the people of God from the four winds, from the ends of the earth to the ends of heaven. “Take the fig tree as parable: as soon as its twigs grow supple and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. In the same way, when you see these things happening, know that the Promised one is near, right at the door. The truth is, before this generation has passed away, all these things will have taken place. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away. “But as for that day or hour, nobody knows it – neither the angels of Heaven, nor the Only Begotten – no one but Abba God. Be constantly on the watch! Stay awake! You do not know when the appointed time will come. “It is like people travelling abroad. They leave their home and put the employees in charge, each with a certain task, and those who watch at the front gate are ordered to stay on the alert. So stay alert! You do not know when cock crows or at early dawn. Do not let the owner come suddenly and catch you asleep. What I say to you, I say to all: stay alert!

Message The 2008 hurricane season in Florida and the Gulf Coast was challenging and intense. In some ways, a hurricane is not unlike a virus – it is opportunistic, arbitrary. How much damage it does depends on a lot of other factors: How strong are the levees; How prepared is the community (can they evacuate safely, on time); How strong is the construction; How many resources have been employed in preparation and prevention of storm damage; How much degradation of the environment has occurred, etc… Poverty exacerbates the damage; and cofactors really matter in hurricanes as well as with viruses. For better or worse, in the worship and liturgical life of Metropolitan Community Churches (MCC), World AIDS Day is married to the first Sunday in Advent, now, perpetually. Advent begins in darkness every year. In the Northern Hemisphere, the post-hurricane days themselves grow darker until just before Christmas, while our Advent wreath grows brighter with hope, peace, joy and love. But we begin, in the darkness, with hope. The Christian calendar begins, in the lectionary readings, ominously, but also with hints of hope, of a brighter future where Christ returns and rescues a world gone mad. 6

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope The writer of that first gospel, called Mark, in the midst of the first persecutions and sufferings, calls that first community of radical Christians to an uncommon hope: to be alert, awake, and watchful as God prepares to act. In some ways, watching, keeping alert and vigilant can seem too passive for some. But it implies a lot of things that are more active as well. This year, many of us in North America watched and waited with residents of New Orleans and the Gulf Coast as they anticipated storm after storm, with deadly Katrina still fresh on their minds. We prepared, waited, acted and responded. . . Preparing: In some ways, by now, people know the drill for hurricanes. They know to board up, or buy water and supplies, or begin sorting through what they can take in their car, or on a bus. This year, thoroughly chastened by Katrina, the US government and non-profit agencies seemed more prepared. We, too, know the drill about HIV and AIDS. We know so much more now than we did 27 years ago about prevention. We know the co-factors – apathy, lack of self-esteem, homophobia, drug abuse, poverty, lack of access to health care, unsafe drinking water, lack of information and education, especially for women. We also are storm-weary, still, and get overwhelmed by new statistics about alarming rates of infection among young people, especially those who are homeless, women, people of color, young gay men. Our weariness has affected our vigilance at times. We see the storm clouds coming, but pray it will just pass us by. Sometimes we collude in the denial that envelopes our communities, our churches. We interpret the silence to mean that there is no storm on the way. People in Louisiana worry that if they are overly prepared for a storm that does not come this time, they will be less likely to heed warnings the next time; such is human nature. We have to constantly move against the complacency, the inertia, the passivity. I guess Jesus knew this. He shared our nature, and knew how easy it is for us to revert to denial. He warns us to keep alert, to be prepared, spiritually, in every way. HIV and AIDS prevention is still a moral imperative for us. We must challenge every nation about its policies, as a matter of justice. We must challenge ourselves to vigilance around the message: we value your life, and the life of our community – prevention is possible! And for those already infected, life and longer life is possible! We are people of uncommon hope, sometimes even irrational hope. Watching/Waiting: Mark’s Gospel insists that we stay vigilant and alert: that we stay tuned to the weather channel and CNN, as grueling as that can be; that we hear the calls for evacuation and heed them. I can hear Mayor Ray Nagin saying, “GET YOUR BUTTS OUT OF NEW ORLEANS!” After weeks of storm warnings and flipping constantly to the weather channel, I got complacent. I was shocked when we had sudden, violent thunderstorms on my way from work one way, the outer bands of hurricane “Ike,” just barely touching us. I just knew it wasn’t coming our way – I was surprised by how far out it reached. The flooding on my way to the office the next morning was alarming, and the rains so heavy I nearly pulled over. 7

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope MCC, we must keep alert, keep awake, about HIV and AIDS. Another generation of young gay men is endangered, just as we have become so deeply aware of the generations we lost to AIDS years ago. The impact of that loss is still being felt in so many ways. New challenges and losses are upon us, and sometimes we are asleep, we are not paying attention to the wider community that our church may not touch, who do not touch us, not yet. We must keep alert to new trends and new information. To understand the new co-factors that fuel infection rates in the US, in the North and West, and in the East and Global South. As a global community, MCC, how do we understand the connections between AIDS and Human Rights; between AIDS and emerging LGBT communities in places like Uganda and Pakistan and the Ukraine? Who are our allies and partners? How are we aware of the changing nature of the pandemic and what our spiritual/pastoral/justice responses must be? Every MCC church must have that expertise, the AIDS alert button, embedded in its ministry. Truthfully, for some of our churches, that expertise died or retired and we did not replace it. Today, who in your church does a person “come out” to about being newly diagnosed? Who can they talk to about their struggles with medication and compliance? Who is responding to “coming out” issues and HIV prevention? Some of us have to re-connect our congregations to what is really happening today in our communities, something the MCC Global HIV/AIDS Ministry has been doing with excellence the last few years. It is time to turn on the weather channel, learn to read the Doppler ratings. . . Acting: In hurricanes, this often means evacuating, getting far enough away to stay safe. It means having safe places to evacuate to. With HIV and AIDS, it means facing up to what it takes to keep people safe and alive and filled with hope. The people of Haiti had nowhere to flee, no shelters, no buses. The “levees” are broken. They have no protection, no barriers. The deforestation there means that mud slides unimpeded down the mountain. Poverty, racism, years of colonial rule followed by government corruption has made the people more vulnerable to hurricanes, and HIV. Even the UN struggled to get in emergency food and shelters while the storm was raging. Those people who are most vulnerable to HIV infection and the impact of AIDS live in these kinds of conditions. For many of us, that is hard to take in. This year, in New Orleans and the surrounding areas, unlike during Katrina, there was a lot of attention to evacuation. The elderly and those who were disabled or vulnerable in some way were evacuated first. The last time, they were largely forgotten – those in nursing homes, or with mobility issues. The biggest problem this year was people who did not go to shelters, but evacuated themselves, and then could not afford it, and were clamoring to come back early because they were sleeping in their cars and had no food. Every time we do this, we learn more about the potential impact.

8

I saw one touching account of how people who could not evacuate acted. There was a children’s hospital that served children who were very ill, too much so to transport. Evacuation would have been very dangerous. They made sure they moved to the upper floors, had generators to last 3 or World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope 4 weeks, and the entire staff, doctors, nurses, technicians, janitors, and parents, moved in to the hospital together, with the children, and hunkered down. This is solidarity, it is the solidarity of Mother of Peace orphanage in Zimbabwe, the solidarity of MCC with those whose battle with AIDS in those final stages, where we hunker down and hold a vigil and keep faith with those, who, even today in 2008, are dying. Returning and Restoring: Once the initial emergency subsides, there is the long, slow work of clean-up and repairing, restoring. This is not the romantic phase of the work in hurricanes. This is the tedious work: removing flood water and debris; assessing damage; tossing out all that was ruined; tearing up and re-building walls and floors; getting the power back on; emptying the refrigerator; scrubbing and painting. In AIDS work and ministry, it is the nitty-gritty of paying attention to public policies; attending to co-factors: drug use; poverty; access to medications and treatment; talking about things that make people uncomfortable; examining our own attitudes, prejudices; being willing to get better information and sharing it; and working with long term survivors. Today I remember Paul from MCC Los Angeles, who died last year in a freak accident at the beach. Paul was a long time HIV and AIDS survivor when I met him, but he was barely surviving. He was depressed, without friends or community, empty, aching, given to violent outbursts, and feeling like a ghost who had outlived every friend. MCC Los Angeles gave him a new life. Starting one day a week, he eventually came to volunteer fulltime: answering the phone, painting, playing piano and singing, helping with the young adults group. He got on better meds, found a better place to live. He made friends, found a home and purpose, God and Jesus and love. He rode in the AIDS Ride two years in a row. He made a difference. He died in the midst of a full, second life. He was a happy, restored man. There are so many, like Paul, who need us and we need them. We must learn about the world of HIV and AIDS in 2008, not remain stuck in 1988. A world that includes young activists in Uganda being arrested for protesting that their government will not fund any prevention for HIV/AIDS in sexual minority communities. In Uganda, silence still equals death, and speaking up means imprisonment. This is true in many places in the world. It means reaching out to young queer people in North America who may not think they belong in MCC, or in any church. We have to let them know that none of us belonged at first. And we have to let them know that we care about what they care about, and about their spirituality, their need for community, even if it seems different from ours. Even if it is queer, unusual, uncommon. Jesus would welcome them, and get to know them, and be able to touch them with hope and love. This we know. Wake up, MCC. It is 2008, and HIV and AIDS are still raging, like a hurricane that seems to dissipate, but then gathers strength over a warm Gulf. There may be a day that we do not need a World AIDS Day…a day when our uncommon hope will not be needed in the work of HIV and 9

AIDS. That day is not December 1, 2008. We need it, and those living with HIV and AIDS, or at risk, need us. Today.

10

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Readings for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope Compiled by Joshua L. Love and Melanie Martinez Bible Readings for Reflection Romans 8:22-25 We know that from the beginning until now, all of creation has been groaning in one great act of giving birth. And not only creation, but all of us who possess the firstfruits of the Spirit – we too groan inwardly as we wait for our bodies to be set free. In hope we were delivered. But hope is not hope if its object is seen; why does one hope for what one sees? And hoping for what we cannot see means awaiting it with patient endurance. - The Inclusive New Testament Joshua 1:5 …I will not fail you or forsake you. Job 11:15-19 Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure, and will not fear. You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will have confidence, because there is hope; you will be protected and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, and no one will make you afraid… - New Revised Standard Version Isaiah 40:29-31 God gives power to the faint, and strengthens the powerless…God shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. - New Revised Standard Version Psalm 33:18 - 34:1 Truly the eye of the Creator is on those who are in awe of God, on those who hope in God’s steadfast love, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine. Our soul waits for our Holy One who is our help and shield. Our heart is glad in God because we trust in God’s holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Creator, be upon us, even as we hope in you. - New Revised Standard Version Psalm 57:1 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by. - New Revised Standard Version Psalm 121:1-2 I will lift my eyes to the hills -- from where will my help come? My help comes from God, who made heave and earth. - New Revised Standard Version 11

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Psalm 139:13-16 For you formed my inward being, You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for You are to be reverenced and adored. Your mysteries fill me with wonder! More than I know myself do you know me; my essence was not hidden from You, When I was being formed in secret, intricately fashioned from the elements of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance; in your records were written every one of them, The days that were numbered for me, when as yet there was none of them. - From Psalms for Praying by Nan C. Merrill Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 2a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 3a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; 7a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 8a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. - New Revised Standard Version Esther 4:13-15 Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, “Do not think that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silence at such a time as this, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another quarter, but you and your family will perish. Who knows? Perhaps you have come to royal dignity for just such a time as this. - New Revised Standard Version

12

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Worship Elements for World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope Written and Compiled by Melanie Martinez, Dallas, Texas, USA Worship Elements Written and Compiled by Melanie Martinez Blessing by Rev. Elder Ken Martin Holy OneAs we end another year without a cure and face the future with hope but no promise: Bless us with the peace that comes from being still in your presence. Bless us with an understanding of suffering like the aged who suffer with memory. Bless us with the compassion of those through whose broken hearts the universe flows. Bless us with the courage of those who stand alone in the truth of their own lives. Bless us with a redemption equal to the suffering that made it possible. Bless us with the selflessness of melting snow that becomes invisible with no regret. Bless us with the determination of rocks and roots and rivers. Bless us with the faith that believes the sun will rise tomorrow. Bless us with the uncommon hope that stares at the horizon until it does. Amen. ------------Psalms/Prayers O Passionate God, we wander helplessly without Your gaze, In humbling, awkward nakedness groping for just the smallest part of You. Giver of Life and Love, remind us of Your everlasting presence. Eternal Shepherd, enclose us safely in Your fold. O Loving Creator, we fall short of Your hope for us, Yet we come to You with the unfailing, unfaltering, uncommon hope of children knowing You hold us in your everlasting grasp. Teacher, teach us. Counselor, counsel us. Healer, heal us as only You can, and infuse us with Your Holy Spirit fire. O Heavenly Hosts, we call out to You in joy and sorrow, 13

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope In madness and confusion we are forced against the grain of this world’s expectations. Father of grace and kindness, be our comfort and peace. Mother of triumph and victory, be our passion toward health and change. ----------------------Forgive me, O God, for I am weak in the sight of Your mighty strength. My passion leaks out of me as a sieve releases water. Though I cry for those to whom You call me, my breast cannot bear the weight of their suffering. Though I ache for my siblings who yearn for You in their darkness, my arms can no longer hold up Your gleaming candle. Enliven me, O God, for I am spent, though You would have me go on. My heart hungers to do Your righteous bidding. Though my legs beg for respite and my feet threaten to halt, my earlobes quiver with the curses of the dismayed. Though my back screams with the weight of my balance, my throat demands that I speak Your glorious message. Release me, O God, for I am ready to do the work You call me to do. My pulse quickens with the fire of Your passion. Though I am but one voice among the tireless masses, my spirit knows Your presence and Your blaze. Though I speak with only the voice of Your servant, Your message of hope beyond hope fills lifetimes with joy. --------------I am wounded, my Creator, I am wounded! Today’s storms wash over me as if I am a blade of grass in a field. I am stomped underfoot by those who would not see me. Do You not see me? I am dying, my Creator, I am dying! I call out to You from a soiled sheet, adorned in garments meant for torture. I am stuck and poked by those who would not touch me. Will You not touch me? I am alive, my Creator, I am alive. I breathe once, twice, and again. Over and over without a thought to purpose. I am invisible 14

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope to anyone who passes by. Have You passed by? I am angry, my Creator, I am angry! I have lost all that I was and am with no concern to what I ever could be. I am wandering in circles, oblivious to all around me. I am oblivious to You. You are in my way, my Creator, You are in my way! I cannot move, or breathe, or laugh or sneeze without running into You. I am trapped by Your powerful embrace. I am embracing You. I am healed, my Creator, I am healed! I wish to call to You forever in whatever state I live in, though sick or healthy, and both. I am in Your love and hope. I am healed! --------------Calls to Worship One: The Grace of God joins us in faithful fellowship. Many: Our worship of God strengthens our spirits and rekindles our passion. One: Though we falter from the iniquities of human frailty, Many: God remembers our faith, calls us to embrace hope and reminds us of God’s presence. One: God tears open the heavens and rains down spirit, light and gifts among us. Many: We are truly blessed in the God’s sight. We are nourished by God so we may nourish our siblings. God restores us, so we might offer others God’s healing restoration. Amen. --------------One: Our Lord and Savior is near. Let us prepare ourselves for the coming of our salvation! Many: Keep awake! Keep alert! One: Be watchful for our sovereign God, wondrous and glorious and loving. Many: Keep awake! Keep alert! One: We do not know the time, we do not know that hour. By the crow of the rooster, the rise of the dawn or the high moon of midnight our Holy One may beckon. Many: Keep awake! Keep alert! One: What joyous anticipation, what gleeful hope, as we await the coming of our God! Many: Keep awake! Keep alert! Amen. --------------15

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope One: Let us offer praise to our Heavenly Parent for the hope and joy of this day! Many: Even the ground cries out in praises to God! Even the winds sing songs of anticipation and bliss! One: The heavens split open and the Holy Spirit rains down upon us. Spirit soaks the earth with good things, with passion, with love, with fervor, with splendor. Many: We open ourselves to receive the Spirit. We open ourselves to God’s call in our lives. One: God’s love echoes in the hearts of this congregation and swells so that we might burst. Many: We welcome God’s love for ourselves and one another. We reach out across boundaries to share God’s love with each other, to give hope, to heal and to nurture. One: Let us join together to experience God’s grace and wonder. Many: We share in the wealth of God’s passion and hope today and always. Amen! --------------One: On this day of great expectation and precious memories, let us turn to God, anticipating and hopeful. Many: Our Eternal Guide provides us guidance and peace along the way. One: We honor the lives of those suffering, surviving and thriving with HIV and AIDS. We remember those who have been taken from us too soon. Many: Our Wondrous Healer offers us comfort in pain and promises health in mind, body and spirit. One: We revel in the energy of desire, of hope and of joy as we await the coming of the Promised One. Many: God is among us, and is budding just beyond the door. Our Ever-Present Creator is coming! One: Prepare your hearts, prepare your minds, prepare your bodies for the coming of God in our midst! Many: We await our Creator with elation! Amen!

16

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Quotes for Reflection – World AIDS Day 2008 – Uncommon Hope Compiled by Joshua L. Love and Melanie Martinez AIDS has never been about the body alone. It is a condition of the body, mind, and spirit. AIDS crosses the depths of despair, soars on clouds of hope, and sits in hushed silence while time passes and no cure is forthcoming. - Joshua L. Love, World AIDS Day 2008 Sometimes you have to put “feet” to your prayers. - Rev. Elder Troy D. Perry God has no body now on earth but yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours, yours are the eyes through which God’s compassion is to look out to the earth, yours are the feet by which God is to go about doing good and yours are the hands by which God is to bless us now. - St. Teresa of Avila Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not. - Dr. Seuss Your silence will not protect you. - Audre Lorde Silence = Death - ACT UP A people without the knowledge of their past history, origin and culture is like a tree without roots. - Marcus Garvey History will judge us on how we respond to the AIDS emergency in Africa....whether we stood around with watering cans and watched while a whole continent burst into flames....or not. - Bono The global HIV/AIDS epidemic is an unprecedented crisis that requires an unprecedented response. In particular it requires solidarity -- between the healthy and the sick, between rich and poor, and above all, between richer and poorer nations. We have 30 million orphans already. How many more do we have to get, to wake up? - Kofi Annan

17

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Spiritual Activity for World AIDS Day 2008 – Writing Psalms for World AIDS Day By Lewis Reay and Rev. Maxwell Reay, Edinburgh, Scotland, United Kingdom Thirty-Three Million and Counting: A Psalm for World AIDS Day 2008 By Lewis Reay Thirty-three million and counting, Each one known to you, Each one loved by you, O God. As if the population of Canada or Algeria All living with HIV. I thought it would be over now. Yet, last year, 2 million died. I am stunned into silence by these numbers But, silence equals death I hear the cry coming back to me across the years. God, of justice, where is the justice? God, of mercy, where is the mercy? God, of liberation, where is the liberation? We cry out to you in anger, in despair, In hope of a new day dawning. We cry out to you, the names of those we have lost, In hope of a new day dawning. We cry out to you, for the names added to their number Day by day by day. When did pleasure turn to pain? When did freedom turn to fear? When did loving turn to hate? God, of justice, bring us justice. God of mercy, bring us mercy. God of liberation, bring us liberation. Thirty-three million and counting. Each one known to you. Mark the Day: A Psalm for World AIDS Day 2008 By Rev. Maxwell Reay God, like the passing of time Gentle and soothing, giving way to our memories Allowing space to heal when anger and rage have built Acknowledging pain, letting joy live again 18

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope The people we have lost The ones that we love Taken away but in God’s care We hope, oh God we hope They said that AIDS was a sign But, a sign of what? Our compassion, our love, our longing. Our call to you to touch our lives You came to us in one another Skin touching skin Tears touching tears Smiles touching smiles A new place you created for us to explore The place you gave us is still here today By your side we stand With each other we go on With you we move from darkness to light God with you our light still shines We remember with silence, words and candles We march with faith and pride We carry our past to the future Living memories for those to come. Mark this day. Writing Your Own Psalms for World AIDS Day 2008 Psalms generally follow a set pattern or structure: Title: 1. A simile 2. The simile is expanded 3. God’s working in your life 4. God’s greatness 5. What God means to you Some thoughts to get you started, you might like to note down some thoughts in response to each question: 1. How has your life been affected by HIV? 2. How has God worked through these experiences? 3. What feelings have you felt? 4. What difference did your relationship with God make?

19

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Make a list of words that describe God’s character: awesome, incredible, deep, gracious, mighty, perfect, and fantastic. Use a thesaurus for interesting words! Include a simile in your psalm. Compare your relationship with God to something concrete in your life. Start by listing some similes that would describe what God is like to you. Similes use the word "like" or "as'. For example, “God is like a strong thunderstorm.” or, “God is like the gentle surf on a cloudy day.” Using the information you have brainstormed, write your own Psalm to God describing what God means to you. Start with a simile. Then expand the simile to show your reader how God is like whatever you have compared God to. Next, tell about times that God worked in an incredible way in your life. Finish by telling about God’s greatness and how you learned from what God had done in your life. Personalize your psalm with words like "Me" and “My". When you have finished with your psalm, write a title for it. Of course, you don’t have to follow this structure if you don’t want to!

20

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Reflections on Uncommon Hope in the Journey with HIV and AIDS By Rev. David Farrell, Palm Springs, California, USA Looking back over the last 28 years of HIV/AIDS, what surprises you the most? After nearly 30 years, though progress has been made, we still have not found a vaccine to prevent HIV infection. Still, I am enormously pleased today that, due to medical advances in medication regimens and holistic approaches to treatment, many of our loved ones living with HIV and AIDS now enjoy long, happy, and productive years. However all of us know that there is great inequity in the delivery of medicines, treatment and services to persons at risk or already infected with HIV and AIDS. I continue to be surprised at the apathy of both governments and people around the world as demonstrated by the scarcity of resources allotted to the prevention, treatment, and eradication of this killer in our midst. How have you kept yourself committed and engaged in the long-term struggle to end AIDS? Since the very beginnings of what we knew in the 80’s as the “AIDS Crisis”, I have been thrilled and inspired by the faithfulness of MCC in confronting this disease. It was so close to us then, so brutal and raw…terrifying really. And yet, as our loved ones died all around us, MCC continued to do what MCC does best: loving and caring for one another, and storming the gates of heaven with our prayers. We did it all, did it every day and… along the way, we informed and inspired our communities, enlisted their best efforts, and helped harness their energies and resources in the struggle we all faced together. We found a new power in our prayers in leading 5000 churches around the world in the first International AIDS Vigil of Prayer. We lead by example and God blesses us for it. What are your reflections on new generations of activists? I am as proud of them as I am of the pioneers of the early AIDS years… in some ways I am more so. Why? Because we were forced into action by the people dropping all around us…lovers, friends, choir members, clergy…suffering and dying right in front of us. The dedicated and devoted AIDS activists of today are somehow able to see beyond the “magic bullet” medicinal cocktails and the discoveries and advances that have been made. They are able to look through the seductive veil of partial healing and see the same suffering today that I saw in the first two decades of AIDS among us. And, they have a wider vision; cast a wider net. They confront HIV/AIDS wherever they find it… from the local MCC to the local hospice to a small orphanage in Africa to the inequity of resources. They are inspiration to us all!

21

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Reflections on Uncommon Hope for World AIDS Day 2008 By Christy Ebner, Dallas, Texas, USA “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The next best time is today.” - African Proverb As a lesbian in the 50+ age group the words of this African Proverb ring so true. Almost 30 years ago men began falling ill and dying of something … a cancer as the medical field titled it. Not just any cancer, Kaposi Sarcoma, a homosexual man’s cancer. It was also known at this same time that this disease affected central Africa, mostly children and young adults. I reflect on this time of my life when I was taking a path of discovery which was not really inline with the values of service to others which I grew up with. I lived a more of ‘party on!’ lifestyle and was removed from the happenings in the real world. This was a time where so many women were caregivers and caretakers of the thousands of men who were infected with what became known as HIV and AIDS. It was a time of courage and emotional and spiritual strength of those who cared for and buried too many, again and again and again. Where would we be today if 20 years ago the tree of education would have been planted and taken root in the cities of America, the countries of Africa, Latin America, Asia, Europe and India? How can we forget the lost generation - the time when the world said we are tired of hearing about this - the time when caregivers and MCC pastors were so spiritually and emotionally laden and HIV/AIDS communication was silenced? Is HIV and AIDS really dead? Twenty years ago my life began anew and my knowledge of HIV and AIDS began to form. Thirteen years ago I became a member of Metropolitan Community Churches and I began to feel the presence of HIV and AIDS from the sharing of stories. Five years ago I was introduced to a young man who continues to deeply affect my life with his passion and fuels mine for HIV and AIDS education and awareness. Is HIV and AIDS really dead? How!?! I was emotionally and spiritually filled by my experience with very young lives infected with or affected by HIV and AIDS and the tireless caregivers at Mother of Peace Orphanage in Zimbabwe. It is my charge to let you know this disease is still alive! I can tell you through my experience of World AIDS Day 2007 that HIV and AIDS is not dead! Through watching President Clinton’s address at the XVII International AIDS Conference and reading the MCCGHAM blog, daily Kaiser HIV/AIDS reports, LivingFusion postings and others I know HIV and AIDS is not dead! How can HIV and AIDS be dead? Among the newly identified at-risk populations are women 50 years and older. This is my generation of women who do not know they are at-risk due to lack of education and also youth who believe HIV and AIDS is no longer a threat. These two separate generations are so severely lacking in education. Add to the list African-American women, LatinAmerican men, the poverty stricken women and children of Africa, Asian men, sex trade workers. The list grows and grows. Why? Poverty and lack of education are huge components. What can we do? Educate. Educate. Educate.

22

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope As disciples our charge is to be in service to others. As servant leaders we give of our time and talents, we educate, we ask questions of our leaders. This November the citizens of the United States will elect a new President. It is our right to ask each candidate their plan to eliminate HIV and AIDS and about the millions of dollars promised by our present government and the G8 summit and not delivered to Africa. Make an educated decision because the time for change is now. It is time to plant a tree at our churches and in global communities for the elimination of HIV and AIDS. Uncommon Hope is that tree.

23

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Reflections on Striving for Uncommon Hope in the Face of Difficulty By Preben Bakbo Sloth, Copenhagen, Denmark David hid himself from Saul. David feared for his safety and life. After the crucifixion of Jesus his friends hid themselves from the religious leaders of their time. They feared for their safety and lives. The first Christians hid themselves in the catacombs. They feared for their safety and lives threatened by the Romans. People Living with HIV and AIDS (PLWH) in Denmark today hide themselves at home. We fear rejection, disclosure, discrimination and stigmatization. And we fear for our safety. It is the same old story. We are left without hope and any sense of direction. We do not trust others to understand our worries. We have no confidence in being met with compassion. We do not expect being met with care. So we hide. We are invisible. We isolate ourselves. We seek to relieve the pain with alcohol and use of substances. The stigma PLWH in Denmark experience today has reached the same level as in the late eighties and the early nineties. This is substantiated by a survey on the quality of life for PLWH in Denmark published a year ago. The knowledge in the general population about ways of transmission of HIV, (i.e. safer practices, etc…) is lower today than in the early nineties. This is substantiated by a survey made in the summer of 2008. During the last ten years public funding for HIV organizations, psycho-social counseling for PLWH and public awareness campaigns has been cut with more than 30%. A retreat centre for PLWH was closed two years ago. Two of my friends I met there committed suicide within six months after the closure. Antiretroviral Treatment (ART) is a blessing and is saving lives. ART means a longer life and hope for the future but when ART was introduced in Denmark in 1996 it was “goodbye” to empathy, compassion and solidarity – also within the LGBT community. “Take your meds, but we can live without your lamentations”, that is the message. “We are happy that you are alive, but we do not care about your quality of life”. For PLWH, our sense of self-worth is low. The sense of dignity is low. Our challenge is to build up self-respect, a sense of self-worth, so that all of us living with HIV may raise our heads in dignity facing the future with hope and a sense of direction. HIV has infected our blood and our bodies, but HIV can never compromise the dignity given us as created in the image of God. The covenant God made with humankind from the very days of creation and has renewed over and over again has not been withdrawn by HIV. Jesus confirms this covenant when he says, that he is one with God and God with him and that this applies to us. Or as Paul puts it: “Christ lives in me and I live in Christ”. Why is this so difficult for PLWH to believe? I need the gospel of my God-given dignity. I need the empowering gospel of resurrection. 24

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Reflections on Uncommon Hope, Grieving, and HIV/AIDS – World AIDS Day 2008 By Rev. Axel Schwaigert, Stuttgart, Germany To grieve. That pain in our very soul, this deep inner feeling of despair. One should think that it is something that happens automatically. Once a person experiences loss, once a person loses a loved one, grieving comes naturally. Nothing could be more wrong than this assumption. To grieve is something we have to learn, something we have to teach each other. To grieve is more than a feeling; it is a situation we live in, it is something we have to do to live. I experienced this first hand a few weeks ago: with 71 years my mother went to bed one evening and did not wake up the next morning. Suddenly I was without my mother. And everybody thought and expected that I, the pastor, counsellor and student, writing about grief, should be an expert in greiving. The reality is, that I have no idea, how “to do grieving”. I know how to arrange a funeral; I know how to be with people in their loss; I know a thousand poems and have even more ideas about rituals. But how should I “do grief”? I did not know. And there were questions: whom did I lose? What did I lose? “I lost my mother.” What a meaningless sentence! Whole books could not describe who and what she was for me. But I know that part of me is gone. Today, 6 weeks after the funeral, I was sitting in my office, working on my emails, drinking my cup of coffee, I caught myself reaching for the telephone, to call my mum, as I have done a thousand times before. And than it hit me: she is not there anymore! No more telephone calls during a quiet morning in the office! Never again to hear her voice, to feel her love! Suddenly I understood, perhaps better than all the 6 weeks before: She is not here anymore. Now I cry, now I grieve. And now this grief goes deeper, is more than death. This grief has something do with life; my mother’s life and mine. Grief is more than pain, it is life and love and more. To grieve about HIV and AIDS seems to be the same. Many of us have lost loved ones and friends. For many of us, AIDS has the face of a lover, a brother, a sister, a friend. For all of us, HIV-positive and HIV-negative alike, our whole life has changed. Some of us have those moments when we want to reach for the telephone, when our grief is close; for others it is not so clear. But to grieve for loved ones and about the situation we are in, is nothing that just happens to us. It is something we have to do. I therefore invite us all to remember who we are grieving for and become aware, what we are grieving. To share the stories of our loved ones, again and again. So that they are not lost, that their memory lives on. And that we know, that HIV and AIDS has a name, has face. To teach each other, what we have lost, what we fear, what we long for. To face our fears: the fear to lose others, loved ones, people we know and people we have not met yet. 25

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope To communicate what HIV and AIDS means for us: lost life, lost freedom, lost possibilities. To remind ourselves to celebrate: The love, the strength, and the good times. We should not think that grieving HIV and AIDS is simple and that we just know how to do it. We have to relearn to grieve again and again, every one of us and us all together. And we can help each other. Grief and HIV and AIDS has something to do with life, has all to do with love. If we don’t find our grief, it will find us. We have to grieve, for those we lost, for those we love and for our life. We have to grieve, until that glorious day, when we know, what we have lost, and know, that no more loss will come.

26

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope Reflections on Uncommon Hope and Multi-Faith Partnerships in HIV/AIDS – World AIDS Day 2008 By Bobby G. Pierce, San Francisco, California, USA I am an openly HIV-Positive Jewish man and a member of MCC San Francisco. When I tested positive in 2001, I knew very few openly HIV-Positive people, and none who professed a faith of any kind. For a few years, I held my status a secret. I only shared it with close friends and sexual partners. It was even hard to find the words to tell my family in those early years. I eventually encountered HIV-Positive people living in faith traditions, yet none of these was Jewish. I found it easier to reveal my identity as a gay man within my religious community than to disclose that I was HIV-Positive. When I finally did encounter Jewish individuals with HIV, none of them were religious, or if they were, they were not known as HIV-Positive in their synagogues. It was my exposure to Metropolitan Community Churches Global HIV Ministry, a largely Christian ministry, which first afforded me the space and encouragement to publicly identify as a Person Living with HIV (PLHIV). I began to volunteer in creating a multi-faith partnership to support other PLHIV. Can you imagine that? I felt safer disclosing my status in a different religious context than in my own. In part this was true because of my self-stigmatization and in part because there was a lack of visibility of HIV-Positive people in the synagogues and Jewish communities that I participated in. That is why I believe that it is so important for us to continue to partner to do HIV and AIDS work together, in a multi-faith context. Sometimes we can “practice” disclosing our own status with other people of faith in our early process in preparation for “coming out” to our own community. And we can make safe spaces for people of other faith traditions to talk to us openly about their status without concern that there will be stigmatization within their faith community. It is also so important for us to come back into our own communities and tell the truth when we have some strength and stability in our process. It would not have been an appropriate choice for me to always hide in the synagogue what I shared at someone else’s church or in my secular life. I eventually needed to find a way to be all of me, honestly, before G-d and my community. The Talmud teaches that “One who saves a life, saves the world entire.” In Hebrew, we refer to the act of saving a life as Pikuach Nefesh . It is a commandment of such importance, that one is not only allowed to break the Sabbath to do it, one is required to do so. The brave examples of people before me, who challenged the social and religious stigma and revealed their status saved countless lives. Therefore, I find that sharing my story and identifying publicly as a religious, gay, HIV-positive, Jewish man is required. I hold the space so that others may see that they are not alone, that there are people within our communities affected by this virus. I still attend MCC San Francisco and volunteer with Metropolitan Community Churches Global HIV/AIDS Ministry and I am also growing into my service to the Jewish community. I have 27

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope been a part of the World Congress of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Jews for five years. This service organization is in need of more openly HIV-Positive leadership and my growing openness learned in a multi-faith setting has helped me to stand up as a Jewish and HIVPositive leader. This helps my community and it helps me. I also want to say that I have found great support and encouragement from many people and organizations that do not identify as religious or faith-based. I learned to give and receive support as a part of the larger LGBT communities that I have lived in, too. And for me it is not a choice between being a person who lives only in faith communities or only in secular communities. I need to be a person who lives my life openly in the synagogue and out of it in the world. Thank you, Metropolitan Community Churches, for being a safe place to speak the truth and spiritual community that is open to building bridges among faith traditions and growing in shared community.

28

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope A Personal Reflection on World AIDS Day – One of These Things is Not Like the Other: Facing HIV Exposure in a Transgender Body By Jakob Hero, Berkeley, California, USA The reality of what happened didn’t sink in until the Emergency Room. It was the morning of Good Friday, as a church employee I had many other plans that day. My HMO offers no other option for urgent care than triage through the ER. Within an hour of my HIV exposure I had already explained the intimate details of my body, my identity, and sexual practices about half a dozen times. And then, all I could do was wait. I would guess that overall the experience wasn’t so different from anyone else who seeks postexposure prophylaxis (PEP). But the reality of my experience is that my body is different. There are protocols for biological men and there are protocols for biological women. But in order for me—a female-to-male transsexual—to get treatment, I was forced into the role of educator during my own time of crisis. This is nothing new. I usually expect to explain my unique medical history every time I see a doctor. It happens no matter how unrelated the visit is to the first 23 years of my life, which I spent as female. On that day, I did not want to educate. I was terrified, embarrassed, and anxious, none of which are conducive to the calm and patient manner required for teaching others about gender. I knew that my whole life might be about to change irreversibly. I was facing a potential shift in identity and self-perception and I did not feel up to the task of explaining and justifying my gender. At least when I seek medical care for something like bronchitis or a wound that needs stitches, my trans status is just an interesting bit of information on my medical record. It always comes up, no matter how irrelevant, but in those cases I feel more prepared to handle it. I get asked about past surgeries, hormone treatment, and other random medical curiosities. But surprisingly, my actual identity—as in who I fundamentally understand myself to be—is rarely called into question. That is, until the question of sexual orientation becomes totally, and medically, unavoidable. I often feel like it is relatively easy to be “out” as transgendered, and even easier to be “out” as gay. But to be a man who was born and raised as a girl, and now has sex with other men (some who were born and raised as boys, some who were born and raised as girls) is often just too much for other people to handle. I am almost always asked, “If you wanted to have sex with men, why didn’t you just stay female?” As an activist, I am usually happy to explain the fundamental difference between gender and sexual orientation. I like to talk about homosexuality and heterosexuality as more than just attraction to penises or vaginas. I appreciate the opportunity to raise the issue of attraction to sameness versus attraction to difference. Often I am even willing to discuss my own transition from a dyke to a fag. But that day, as I faced yet another person’s inquisitive stare at my driver’s license’s “M” marker and my health insurance card’s “F” marker, I did not feel up to challenging binary gender constructs. I had not stopped to shower after the incident. I had thrown on the previous day’s dirty clothes and flip-flops. I felt tired, unwashed, and hardly suitable for public interaction. This is not the context in which I choose to educate others. Meanwhile, my lover sat there, trying to be brave, 29

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope but alternating between nervous fidgeting and silent sobs. I was facing my own fear of infection, but also trying to protect him. He has such a precious and gentle heart, and I could feel it breaking but there was nothing I could do to alleviate his guilt or shame. He was terrified that the he had harmed someone he loves and scared he’d be suddenly rejected. We were both worried about our other partner, with whom I share a home. How would all three of us weather this storm? Along with questions about why I have sex with men and which orifice I like to use, I was asked how I came to be exposed to HIV that morning. Was I raped? Had I been tricked or deceived? Did he lie about his status, only to confess after the deed was done? It seemed that once I had proven the validity of my male identity and my sexual orientation, I was then expected to justify my HIV exposure. Not everyone was rude in their questions, in fact, it was often done with a tone of compassion. What troubled me about this second round of questions, was that I felt I needed to provide evidence that I was somehow the innocent victim. This aspect of my PEP experience, I would wager, is not too different from what others go through—regardless of gender status. People wish for someone to blame—someone other than the scared, worried, patient sitting before them. They wanted an image of an evildoer who coerced this innocent young man into HIV exposure. They did not want to see the terrified HIV-positive guy, filled with fear and guilt, also wondering what went wrong with that full condom. The truth is, if there were culpability in this situation, we would share it equally. There is no need for “blame”, we were just expressing our mutual attraction and having a good time. I had made the informed decision to enter into a sexual relationship with this man. I chose to be the receptive partner. And I knew—although only in theory before that day—that condoms don’t always work. I’ll admit that in retrospect I feel some shame about my own eagerness to justify the exposure. Initially I sought the validation of the condom being at fault. I guess I, too, wanted to put blame someplace. I admit to liking that I did not have to worry about T-cells and viral loads, medications and side effects. But I think it is okay to not want to have HIV. This doesn’t mean that I think someone’s sero-status determines his or her worth as a human being. I am not even saying that I am more attracted to one side of the sero-discordant divide over the other. I just did not want to cross that divide myself. I don’t want anyone to cross it. Six hours later I left the hospital with a 30-day prescription for Atripla and instructions to come back to be tested in a couple of months, and again a few months after that. On the way home from the hospital I thought about all the questions I’d faced that day. I thought about explaining and justifying who I am, my own assertion that someone with my history and anatomy can be a gay man. Although it is politically incorrect to categorize HIV as central to the homosexual male experience, I felt strangely validated in my gay male identity. I felt like those pills would connect me to the communion table of my brethren. The majority of my friends are HIV positive gay men, and suddenly I got a window into their life and experience. It was a reality I thought I understood, a place I thought I had already explored, but really it was a community into which I had never fully gained access. What is more surprising is that I also felt strangely connected to my own past identity. We had not yet gotten back to my apartment on that drive home when I silently reflected that had the 30

World AIDS Day 2008 Uncommon Hope course of my life gone differently, a condom incident such as this could have potentially brought life into this world. I thought about a close female friend whose similar slip up led to the conception of my beloved godson. Her accident, her failed protection—although also terrifying —created this beautiful creature who is a true joy in my life and hers. What would my accident bring, other than destruction? I momentarily teetered on the edge of insecurity about who I am. I almost traveled down that destructive path of self-doubt, the question of why entered my mind. Why couldn’t I just have been a normal girl and behaved the way other people born with uteruses behave? Luckily, my lover rescued me. Although I had not said any of this out loud, he turned to me as if reading my thoughts, and shared his own feelings about the potential destruction of the love making between two men. He told me about his sadness around his own loss of procreative ability. And although we had discussed this many times before, in the context of my post-surgical lack of reproductive ability and his HIV status, I understood his sadness in a new way. The rest of my story is rather typical. I took my meds, they made me sick and gave me crazy dreams. I waited and waited, hoping that my body would not give in to the exposure. After a month I got my first test at a free clinic in San Francisco. I went through the same questions about who I am and how I got exposed. In that case I chose to come out as transgendered, although I did not have to. I let them fumble with not knowing how to fill out paperwork and a medical history questionnaire that didn’t take into account the reality of my body and personal history. By that point, I thought I was feeling stronger and ready to face the situation. Then I surprised myself by not going back to get my results. I allowed four more months to pass before finally going in to be tested again. I was terrified, worried, anxious, and also ready to face whatever the situation would bring.

31