Masculinity Unesco

IN/2006/ED/4

Masculinity for Boys: Resource Guide for Peer Educators

United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organisation New Delhi

Masculinity for Boys: Resource Guide for Peer Educators

The opinion expressed in this documents are the responsibility of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official positions of UNESCO New Delhi

Contents 1.

Introduction

1

2.

Masculinity: The Male Gender

3

Social masculinity vs. natural masculinity Male gender roles

3

What are some of the important male gender roles?

5

Are these gender roles natural?

6

Do these roles harm men?

7

The race for social manhood Male sexual roles

13 14

The harm of sexual roles

15

Breaking men from other men

32

How are these roles enforced on men?

36

Role of the media

37

Peer pressure

42

How to tackle peer pressure Mechanisms of men’s oppression

48 50

Rewards offered by society

50

Punishments given by society Shaming men: a major instrument of enforcing masculinity roles Proving one’s masculinity

55 56 64

The concept of honour

66

Enforcing silence on male issues

67

Self-control

68

Heterosexualisation of society

69

The myth of sex power

79

Invisible power of women

85

3.

Understanding Natural Masculinity

88

What is masculine behaviour and what is feminine behaviour?

88

Sexual interest in women

89

Sexual interest in men

95

Masculinity check

105

What is true masculinity?

106

Who is the real namard? 4.

5.

107

Men and Femininity

109

Embracing femininity

109

The two-spirited people

110

Respecting women’s rights

111

Reclaiming and Celebrating Our Natural Masculinity

114

Reclaiming one’s emotions

115

Accepting and sharing one’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities

116

Creating a safe environment

117

Developing inner strength

117

Conquering one’s ego

118

Giving up fake power

119

Bonding with other boys/men

120

Healing inner pain and hurt

121

Developing one’s positive masculine qualities

122

Developing one’s physical masculinity

122

Bonding with nature

124

Changing the rules, changing society

124

Glossary

126

1. Introduction “Given our current confusion over the meaning of ‘manliness’, we have nothing to lose by re-opening the issue” – Waller R. Newell

W

hen a girl is born, she remains a female all her life. But a boy has to ‘earn’ his manhood. Meaning, when he grows up, he has to ‘prove’ that he is a man. This is not about biological proof. It is a complex set of expectations that he must fulfil. If he fails to do this, he becomes a ‘lesser’ man. A ‘lesser’ man will have no status in society, no respect, and he will live an undignified life as a disempowered person. In India, we abuse such a person by calling him a namard. Naturally, no one would want to be a namard. Being able to prove that he is a ‘man’ is the foremost pressure on a male adolescent. During adolescence and early youth, this pressure is particularly acute. It is the core of male peer pressure, which is now a recognised adolescent concern. It is often a matter of life and death for boys/ men and a failure to prove one’s manhood may even drive an isolated young man to suicide. This ‘masculinity’ pressure can turn this otherwise beautiful period of a man’s life into a nightmare. In spite of the gravity of this pressure, it is hardly recognised as a male issue. It is also not given much attention by social agencies working with adolescents, most of which are preoccupied with the female adolescent’s concerns. Whether in a peer circle or a formal circle, the issue of masculinity is stigmatised. One is not supposed to talk about it. There is no place for a boy to seek formal advice or guidance on the issue. He has to deal with such an important concern of life through

trial and error. Consequently, boys often make mistakes – sometimes with far-reaching consequences – that could have been avoided. They are misguided and take wrong decisions, which harm them. In spite of this immense pressure to prove one’s masculinity that comes in different and complex forms, there is no clear-cut definition of masculinity. No one knows for sure what being a man really implies, and myths abound. To make matters worse, the male adolescent gets confusing and contradictory messages about masculinity. The society (through norms, media, religion, education, etc.) gives one set of messages. Peers, on the other hand, have their own version, which does not always correspond to the formal social version. Then there is the inner voice in the boy, which asks him to do things that would make him a ‘lesser’ man. He learns to distrust this voice, distancing himself from his inner self. All this makes the average man very unhappy. We are living in times when society is going through a deluge of ‘Westernisation’. Our old values are fading fast. Notions about masculinity are also changing. This means more confusion and trouble for the male adolescent. Adolescent boys overflow with masculine energy. But there is no one to help them cultivate this energy and guide it towards a healthy outlet. Therefore, this energy is suppressed. Sometimes, it is expressed in extremely negative ways, destroying self and others, for instance in bloody fights over trivial issues. If the society focuses on male adolescents, properly cultivating and channelising their masculinity, it can benefit the society. Any intervention programme that seeks to address adolescence issues will be incomplete unless it addresses masculinity. We are presenting this book titled Masculinity for Boys based on ten years of YAAR’s work with the male youth in India on the issues of gender and sexual health. We hope to reduce the ‘fake’ masculinity pressures on boys with this information. At the same time, we want to help boys become true men by understanding what real masculinity is.


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2. Masculinity: The Male Gender “A woman simply is, but a man must become.” – Camille Paglia SOCIAL MASCULINITY VS. NATURAL MASCULINITY

“To understand men you have to understand it is nurture, not nature that rules their lives” – Dr. Stephen Whitehead

The masculinity with which boys are born, is natural masculinity. This is given by nature.

However, society has created a mechanism whereby it does not acknowledge this natural masculinity. It has instead created its own version, which we shall call “social masculinity”. Social masculinity is not naturally endowed, but has to be granted by society. Society does not accept a person as a “man” unless he fulfils certain pre-conditions of roles or expectations of society, referred to as “male gender and sexual roles”, or “social masculinity roles”. ‘ S o c i a l m a s c u l i n i t y’ o r ‘s o c i a l m a n h o o d ’ c a n b e described as the status of being a man socially, as against his biological maleness/masculinity. A person is not considered a man without social manhood. This social m e c h a n i s m i s d e s i g n e d t o c o n t r o l m a l e b e h a v i o u r, especially male sexual behaviour. The result is silent severe oppression of men. It harms them in several ways. Its benefit to the society is also controversial. It only gives unlimited, unreasonable and undeserved exploitative social power to a handful of people.


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Ironically, the things required from men to be socially masculine may be contrary to the essence of natural masculinity. Some may even be closer to femininity. These things are falsely propagated as masculine, to unethically influence male behaviour. To be real men, men’s goal should be natural masculinity and not social masculinity. Because only natural masculinity is real. A man needs to be in touch with his natural masculinity (and femininity) to live a happy and healthy life. Natural masculinity provides inner power and strength. It makes the person selfdependent. If it is removed or blocked, the man becomes dependent on the society for his masculinity. Only social power that is earned through natural masculinity is stable and deserved and real.

Reclaiming natural masculinity “The freedom of authentic masculinity is an amazing thing to see.” Bill Hybels Although we are born with natural masculinity, it is originally in an undeveloped form: like a seed. It needs to be developed during the course of our life, especially during our adolescence/youth. For that, it needs to come out. Owing to social pressures, men are forced to imprison this natural masculinity deep within themselves. Consequently, it either remains underdeveloped, or develops into a negative unhealthy form, which is destructive for self and others. The goal of this book is to help boys liberate their natural masculinity and cultivate it in a healthy manner, for health and happiness. It liberates a power which flows from the self and is not dependent on society. This process of liberation is called reclaiming and celebrating masculinity.


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MALE GENDER ROLES “Real men don’t cry, only wimps do!” “Kya ladkiyon ki tarah sharma rahe ho!” We have all been subjected to such comments since childhood. What is expected and what is ‘not’ expected of us as males has been hammered into our heads. What are we going to be, how are we going to dress, what hobbies are we going to take up, what attitudes are we going to have, what behaviours are we going to adopt are messages that we keep absorbing from the social environment around us. These social do’s and don’ts for men are known as male ‘gender’ or ‘social’ roles or ‘social masculinity roles’. The crucial ones decide whether a man has the social right to call himself a man.

What are some of the important male gender roles? Here is a list of expectations from a person because he happens to be a man: •

Men are expected to be strong, aggressive, tall, handsome, bold, courageous, rough, tough, emotionless, insensitive, fearless and practical. They should not be soft, submissive or weak.

•

They are not supposed to have weaknesses or vulnerabilities. They must not show feelings as these would make them appear weak or vulnerable.

•

They should always be prepared to fight their way. They should never retreat from a physical fight. Others should fear them. They should physically defend their family and work hard to earn to support it. They should choose careers considered ‘manly’ – engineers, doctors, military, managers, etc.

•

A real man is expected to have hobbies such as smoking, drinking, fast driving, chasing girls, and playing outdoor


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sports like cricket, football, etc. They should not have ‘girlie’ hobbies like cooking, decorating, sewing (silaikadhai), dancing, etc. •

A real man has ‘sex power’. (We will discuss this in detail in the chapter on men’s sexual roles)

Some of the other messages that we get are that real men: •

Don’t cry

•

Don’t feel pain

•

Are not shy

•

Hit their women (wife or girlfriend)

•

Are not ‘beautiful’, but are ‘smart’

These messages are transmitted to us explicitly and implicitly, from time to time, especially when we are growing up.

Are these gender roles natural? “(Social) Masculinity is not something men are born with” – Dr. Stephen Whitehead Do you think the expectations from men mentioned above are natural for men, or are fixed by society artificially? We have been conditioned to fit into gender roles for so long – since birth – that we have come to see them as natural, despite contradictions with our real feelings, needs and desires. When a conflict between these roles and our own true nature arises (which is almost always), we often respond by distrusting our feelings and going by the gender roles. If we look carefully around us, we will find many examples of traits in men that do not tally with those mentioned in the list above. Men are often emotional. Not all men are strong, and not all the time. No man is aggressive all the time. Many men are extremely beautiful, many are great cooks. Many men are extremely creative. Many can do a number of those things not supposed to


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be a man’s forte but women’s. In spite of all that, they are what we call ‘real men’. All men cry, even if only when alone. We have emotions and we feel them deeply. We are not always aggressive. We submit to others at times. We feel scared. We feel inadequate. We fall sick and we also feel pain. There are situations when we become shy. And we do things to appear beautiful and young. For example, men too conceal their age. If we look carefully and try to understand, we will realise, whether we are men or women, we have both the qualities that society ascribes either to men or women. Under pressure from the society, we suppress those qualities in us that are not considered appropriate. At the same time, we pretend to have qualities in us that we don’t really have, but considered necessary for the gender that we belong to. Male gender roles are not ordained by nature, but are artificially determined by society. This does not mean that men and women are the same. They have biological and social differences. But these differences are exaggerated and misrepresented by the gender and sexual roles. Gender roles, by restricting human nature, harm men in a number of ways.

How do these roles harm men? “Life (for boys) is not about learning how to be, it is about learning how not to be, what we are” – Neale Donald Walsch Have you ever thought how it would feel not to have the pressure to earn money for the family? Did you feel the pressure from your parents or others because you wanted to study arts or literature and they wanted you to take up science or commerce so that you could earn as soon and as much as possible? The gender (and sexual roles) of men act as a series of unending pressures on them. They force men to live, think and behave in strict predetermined ways.


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There is no escape from these pressures. Non-compliance has severe consequences. Every man has qualities that the society does not deem fit for men. Survival instinct prompts men to suppress these qualities, or fulfil them secretly, with guilt/shame. What would you do if you were cleaning utensils at home, and suddenly your friends turn up? Won’t you immediately wipe your hands and try to conceal the fact that you were cleaning utensils? Otherwise others will be critical saying you’re doing a woman’s thing.

Case study Mitesh has aptitude for music. With proper training and encouragement, he can become a good singer or musician. There is a feminine boy in his class named Anil, who is teased by everyone as ladki, including by Mitesh himself. As Mitesh passed on to the 11th class, he was looking forward to take music as a subsidiary subject. The only boy who had joined the music class till now was Anil. The others teased Anil by saying that he had opted for a ‘girlie’ subject. Mitesh is now afraid to join the music class because he does not want to be compared to Anil. Therefore, he takes up electronics, even if his interest lies in music.

In most middle class Indian families, boys cannot work on their talent and creativity, as they are required to earn as soon as they finish their studies. They cannot even opt for a subject of their choice as they are pressurised to select those subjects perceived to offer maximum security and financial prospects. Science is THE subject for boys, followed by Commerce, while Arts is not considered fit for them.

Case study Even though Tushar’s father is a good artist, he wants Tushar to become an engineer or a doctor. He does not want him to waste


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time with colours and brushes. Tushar gets average marks in his 10th class. His Uncle encourage him to take up arts for further studies. But in his father’s view, one cannot earn a lot doing fine arts. His father is extremely disappointed when Tushar cannot get admission in Science. Tushar settles for Commerce. He tries to study hard but finds it difficult to concentrate. The subject does not interest him at all. Besides, he wants to paint whenever he gets time. He fares averagely in his 12th boards. His father makes him take up Cost Accountancy alongside graduation. He studies extremely hard, leaves all his artistic pursuits, but fails halfway. He is broken. His father forces him to study harder this time. It affects Tushar so severely, he becomes suicidal. While appearing for his last paper, Tushar decides that he will not continue with ICWA. Now Tushar is totally confused about his career.

The hobbies that boys are supposed to pursue also have a negative effect on their lives. Fast driving, smoking, drinking, fighting, eve teasing, can harm their health and safety. But boys do these so that they can be called ‘men’. Gender roles restrict the fluidity in a boy’s behaviour by restricting his ability to act according to the situation. Gender roles have fixed in advance what is expected of him in all situations. Men have been made so insecure about their (social) masculinity by the society that they will do anything propagated as ‘what men do’, and avoid anything propagated as what men do not do, even if it goes against their nature. Under the pressure of social masculinity roles, men suppress their basic nature. Male roles require them to be what is often not possible without tampering with nature. You could be a great fighter, but if your life is spent fighting yourself, you are going to be a loser. Let’s look at some of the other ways in which gender roles harm men.


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i. Harmful effects of the pressure to appear strong “Mard ko dard nahin hota” (a real man does not feel pain) – a dialogue from a Hindi Movie Under continuous pressure to appear strong, a boy learns that it is not acceptable to let other people know of his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. He is unable to accept defeat or rejection. For example, saying ‘sorry’ is difficult for most men. Boys pretend that they are born ‘perfect’, with all the qualities required to fulfil the social masculinity roles. Their masculinity roles give them huge egos. This pressure to be always strong, perfect and flawless makes a boy keep all his internal issues to himself, which makes life extremely stressful. This also means that for most of his ‘real’ problems, he cannot seek guidance or help, and has to find his own way, through trial and error. Thus boys make many mistakes in their youth, about which they repent later on. These mistakes could be avoided if only they could just talk to someone.

ii. Harmful effects of the pressure to suppress emotions

“My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask” – Jill Zevallos Solak Imagine, if you did not have the pressure to appear strong all the time, then, in moments of despair, instead of crying in isolation, you would have cried on the shoulders of someone who could give you emotional support. Men are also human beings, with feelings, and they need to cry and share their inner pain with people they consider close. They need to love and be loved. Social masculinity roles make no concessions for emotions. The pressure to suppress emotions is a key social mechanism of male oppression. However, emotions play an important part in our lives. They are our only contact with our inner voice. When boys suppress emotions, they lose touch with their inner voice, the voice of our true nature, needs and desires. Consequently, men end up


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not knowing what they really need deep down. Therefore, true happiness often evades them. From an early age, men learn to distrust their feelings, their inner voice. They become scared of their inner feelings and desires, as these always seem to get them into trouble and invite people’s wrath or ridicule. For instance, when they get hurt and cry, someone may tell them it is not proper for a boy to cry. Or when they feel scared, they may be told that a boy should never feel scared. Or that he should not dance or wear pink or be seen with dolls. Such injunctions affect a boy’s psyche, and he starts seeing these acts as unbecoming. He hates the feelings that prompt him to do these things. Slowly he learns to use only his brain, and do only what he is trained to do: like a dog. Due to prolonged suppression of feelings, most men lose the ability to identify their own emotions and express them. This is a frightening situation. Because they suppress their emotions so fiercely, men become insensitive and hardened. This results in their inability to fulfil the emotional needs of people they have relationships with — whether as sons, brothers, friends, lovers or husbands. They end up not caring for other people’s feelings. Men sacrifice a lot of their real self to become what the society wants them to be. But they cannot suppress all feelings and needs forever, as that causes deep pain within. When men are unable to suppress a particular feeling, they learn to lead double lives, by expressing those feelings secretly, but on the outside maintaining a ‘clean’ image. This is extremely stressful. Modern societies propagate male emotionality as an unmanly quality. It encourages men to be unemotional, logical and practical, as if they are computers. However, in most traditional societies, male emotions were celebrated as masculine, often through prose and poetry. Men were encouraged to be emotional. Men became great poets and philosophers. Today men have become very distanced from their emotions. They have lost the capacity to feel. They don’t use the ‘emotional’


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side of their brain much. Some people claim that men are naturally not emotional. But this is not true. Men are trained to become emotionless, so that society can continue to oppress them. It is illogical to think that nature would deprive men of emotions and feelings, which are an important source of connection with their true nature.

iii. Stressful and fake lives

“Don’t be fooled by what I’m saying. Please hear what I’m not saying.” —— Jill Zevallos – Solak Because of these pressures, men accumulate layers of hurt, pain, suppressed emotions and unfulfilled desires. These tensions build up over a lifetime and make them prone to – among other things – sudden fatal illnesses like heart attacks. Do you know that men are several times more prone to heart attacks than women? Men become so adept at living a fake life that they seldom mean what they say, especially about their feelings, inner needs and desires. When they feel love, they may not be able to express it. And even when they don’t feel love, they may be prompted to say it, if the masculine roles so demand. They become cautious about what they say; only saying what they are supposed to say. Often what men don’t say reflects a lot about what is going on inside them than what they do say. That is, men often communicate through silence about forbidden things. They express many inner needs and desires in suppressed unspoken codes. In the world of men, what is seen is not always what happens inside, and what really happens inside is often carefully hidden from the outer world. Men wear several masks to hide their true self. The irony is that society has fooled men so much that men feel powerful and in control when they manage to fit themselves into social roles.


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iv. Miscellaneous harmful effects

“I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them is me” – Jill Zevallos - Solak These roles and expectations harm every aspect of a man’s life: his health, his relationships and his happiness. Since no man can ever fulfill all these expectations, men often develop inferiority complexes and insecurities. Gender roles of men also harm women, both directly and indirectly. As long as men are bound in chains, they can never be receptive to the idea of women’s liberation, as has been seen during several decades of movement for women’s rights. Men are often insensitive to the sufferings of women as they are insensitive to their own sufferings. Because men are detached from their own emotions, they fail to fulfil the emotional needs and aspirations of women they have relationships with. As earning a livelihood is seen as a male domain, men do not take kindly to women taking up their jobs.

The race for social manhood “The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough” – Germaine Greer How do you feel when you are amongst other boys, especially when you meet them for the first time? You feel a certain hostility and competition in the air. You know that you have to put the other person down before he gets the chance to do it to you. Whoever loses, will lose respect. We call this competition the ‘race for social manhood’. We have been running so long in this race that we have moved far away from our own selves. We want to get as far ahead in this race as possible, as our entire self and social worth depends on it. If we have to trample others along the way, we don’t care. Under these circumstances, boys who show sensitivity towards others are run down. Competition has made men mean and cruel. This has also kept them from getting affection from other men.


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Whenever we meet a man, we try to subconsciously judge whether he is ahead or behind us in this race. In other words, is he more ‘man’ than us or less. This determines our relationship with that man. If he is more ‘man’ than us, we treat him with respect. If, on the other hand, he is judged less ‘man’ than us, we don’t consider him fit for respect and try to dominate him. We feel superior doing this, and reassure ourselves of having established a better position in this race. Isn’t that how we treat women? Only, we don’t have to compete with women, because they are not in this race at all. So where do we want to reach in this race? We strive to achieve as many social masculinity roles as possible, especially the critical ones. But it is not possible for any one man to achieve all of them – it is not even desirable. So, we just try to fit into them as much as possible. The rest, we just pretend to have achieved, putting on fake masks of social masculinity. However, running this futile race endlessly, trying to achieve the impossible, we run too far away from our true selves. We become strangers to ourselves, far removed from our real nature, traits, needs and desires. Like slaves we spend our entire lives trying to meet gender and sexual expectations. We can find happiness in life only if we are allowed to be and do what our inner soul asks of us. In trying to be ‘real men’, we have forgotten to listen to our inner voice. We have even forgotten to recognise it. In their misguided quest to be ‘real men’, men have stopped being even real humans!

MALE SEXUAL ROLES “We doubt that you’re a man. You are not even married!” – a ‘humourous’ comment from a laughter show on an Indian TV channel We have not yet discussed the most important yet harmful roles of men. The most crucial expectations of men are in the sexual arena.


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The most important controls that society puts on men is on his sex and love life. The following would briefly sum up the sexual expectations from men prevalent at this time in Indian cities. These roles vary according to region, period in history and socio-economic strata in society. -

A man should have unflinching sexual interest in women.

-

This interest should be present all the time..

-

He should have a big penis.

-

He should have perfectly hard erections, which should stay till the woman reaches orgasm – at any time the woman wants sex.

-

A man should be able to sexually satisfy women.

-

A man should be able to produce children.

-

A masculine male wishes to penetrate (and a feminine male, like women, wants to get penetrated)

-

A man may not have any sexual interest in other males beyond wanting to penetrate them.

-

A man may not love another man.

-

Above all, a man should get married.

Not all of these sexual roles are expressed in words. Many are implicit. Like gender roles, sexual roles too are not fixed by nature, but by society.

The harm of sexual roles “The concept of machismo encourages men to be promiscuous to prove their masculinity” – Population reports Sexual roles are the most harmful to men. Some of the common adverse effects of male sexual roles on men and boys are discussed under the following heads:


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1. Pressure to exaggerate sexual desire for girls:

When boys mean to say ‘no’ to a girl, they say ‘yes’. Man has lost the capacity to take sex as natural. Sex has become the most crucial tool for him to get that coveted social masculinity/ power. How and with whom he can or cannot form sexual bonds with, has been rigidly laid down. The pressure to exaggerate sexual desire for women than is natural for men has several ramifications – for men, for women and for the society as a whole. With this pressure, society ensures that most men participate in reproduction (although in the modern over populated world, we don’t need to increase population). A number of social evils arise owing to this manipulation of men’s natural sexual drive. For example, when manhood and social power comes from encounters with women, and chasing females is glorified as the natural essence of being a man, some men may abuse this power by raping and molesting women. Even common men derive social power from acts like eve-teasing, which most women don’t enjoy. On the one hand, women gain ‘invisible’ control over men by being the source of their social masculinity. But most men, even when they eve-tease or have multiple female sex partners, act under immense pressure to earn social masculinity (popularly known as ‘proving one’s masculinity’) in the race for manhood. What their inner self needs becomes immaterial. Many men stop enjoying sex and indulge in it only as a power source. Men not only fail to enjoy sex, but also live under tremendous stress. Furthermore, their preoccupation with sex as a power source prevents them from developing positive intimacy with women that they bond with. They treat women only as sex objects or a social power source. Some men, on the other hand, start taking so much interest in sex (as to treat sex as casual is encouraged in boys) that they lose interest in developing emotional intimacy.


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Case study Sunil, who is in Class 12, has made a girlfriend Reena. She wants emotional attachment with him. But Sunil only wants to have sex with her. Reena, however, does not feel like having sex at this point of time. Sunil is desperate to make Reena agree to sleep with him. He knows that if he has sex with her, his position in his peer group and his self-image as a man will increase like never before. He tries to manipulate Reena by pretending that he loves her.

Case study Dinesh is in Class 12, and has made a girlfriend, Savita. They mutually decide to have sex. For Savita, it is a precious little secret of theirs – an intimate, private moment that they have both shared, that nobody should know about. However, Dinesh treats it differently. He is extremely proud of having made a girlfriend and feels all-powerful and masculine. As if he has made the most important accomplishment possible for a man. He tells all his friends about it in order to ‘encash’ his achievement. When Savita comes to know that by now nearly everyone is aware of their sex incident, she is devastated. She is now treated like a whore by the others. She cannot understand how Dinesh could do this to her.

Gender and sexual roles of men encourage men to be promiscuous and have multiple female partners. The greater the number of female sexual partners a man has, the more ‘macho’ he is considered. This is the reason why some adolescent boys get into sexual activities early in life – without proper information – making them vulnerable to AIDS/HIV and STIs. The social power boys derive from sex with girls also makes them brag and exaggerate about their (often false) sexual escapades to impress other boys. The pressure to exaggerate sexual interest in


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women affects young men and adolescents the most, as they have not yet proven their masculinity (since they are not married). This makes them vulnerable and insecure. This is the root of male peer pressure, and creates unnecessary stress. This is the most important reason why boys seek sex with girls.

Case study Sumit and Vinay are both in the 11th standard in the same school. Sumit is two years younger than Vinay. They live close to each other and so have become great friends. Every evening they both go to the local market for a stroll. But all Vinay does is talk about girls and ogle at them. It is fun, plus, it makes him feel like a man. Sumit does not have as pronounced sexual feelings as Vinay. Looking at girls is pleasant, but Vinay seems to be obsessed and Sumit can’t keep pace with him. Vinay has commented twice on Sumit’s apparent lack of sexual interest in girls – in an incriminating tone. This has unnerved Sumit. For the past one year he has trained himself to look at each and every girl he comes across – turning back at times to look at them even when he couldn’t care less. It is a lot of mental stress for him, but he does not want his ‘masculinity’ to be questioned. He looks at girls even when no one is watching him, as if to prove to himself that he does have an interest in girls. Like other boys, he wants to fit into sexual masculinity roles.

2. Harmful effects of treating sex as a source of power

“…..people do not eat bull’s testicles or powdered rhinocerous horn to increase their capacity for tension release or sensual responsiveness (much less to achieve greater intimacy) ….. sex is a test of adequacy….. of virility for men…..” – Bernard Apfelbaum, PhD When sex is turned into a source of power for men, it gives rise to several individual and social problems. For example, men lose the capacity to enjoy sex as natural. They start mistreating and harassing women. Men start oppressing other men with power that is not


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earned or deserved. Worst of all, it leads to unfair and unwarranted subjugation of men at the hands of women, leaving men vulnerable to exploitation. This issue is discussed in detail in a later chapter titled ‘Sex Power’.

3. Pressure to suppress sexual need for men

When a boy wants to say ‘yes’ to a boy, he says ‘no’. Suppressing the sexual need for men has its own complications. This instinct has its origin in the days when human beings lived in the wild and male sexual bonds kept them together in male groups, supporting and caring for each other. Much later, as the marriage institution evolved, it started forcing men to stop bonding sexually with men because it was impossible to bind men into marriage if they cherished their male bonds. Gradually, the pressure became so intense that not only did bonds between men became taboo, but even the feelings that drove men towards other men were stigmatised. However, the feelings still exist, and men in each generation have to deal with them afresh. Most men experience sexual feelings for other men. These are especially intense during adolescence/youth. Most men suppress and disown these feelings, even if they trouble them from time to time and cause stress. In male-only groups where complete suppression of such feelings is impossible, men keep getting emotionally and sexually attached to other men. Having casual but superficial sex between them in such male-only groups is fairly easy, while sleeping or bathing together, etc. Masculinity roles allow such acts as long as they are not given much importance, are kept secret and are camouflaged by an acceptable excuse. Men do have an ‘acceptable’ excuse in such circumstances: that they do not have women. However, men don’t allow themselves to ‘love’ other men because such an emotional attachment is forbidden by social masculinity. In traditional societies however, intense sexual/emotional bonds persist in the guise of deep friendships.


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But sometimes, in spite of suppression, men do get emotionally attached with other men. Then they have a tough time trying to break themselves off, as it can be emotionally painful.

Case study Sixteen-year-old Manoj struck up a friendship with 23-year-old Deepak, a tenant in his neighourhood. Once on a visit, Deepak took his hand in his own and they kept sitting this way for hours. Manoj liked it, but felt uneasy. Now this became a daily routine. Manoj would silently allow Deepak to hold his hand. He wanted Deepak to initiate more intimacy, but considered it beyond his manhood to try anything himself. Manoj struggled with his feelings but was uncontrollably drawn towards Deepak. This continued for three months. Once they fought over a minor issue and Manoj stopped visiting him. A month later, Deepak wrote him a letter saying that he was in love with him and could not live without him. He said that he thought Manoj also loved him. While Manoj liked the fact that Deepak had fallen in love with him, he hated to be thought of as a man who would love a man. He wanted to be seen as just biding his time with Deepak, while not having any real interest. By acknowledging their relationship, Deepak had made it impossible for Manoj to carry on their bond without jeopardising his ‘manhood’ in his own eyes. He went over to Deepak’s house in anger and tore the letter. He said that he had no interest in men whatsoever. He came back and cried for hours and was depressed for a long time. Deepak left that neighbourhood a week later, never to see him again. One year has passed. Manoj is still fighting with his feelings.

There is an implicit understanding between men in such bonds that everything will be done quietly, under an excuse – while pretending that these things have never happened. Men see an open acknowledgment of sexual interest as betrayal of this understanding. Often, when men get emotionally close to other men, they


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behave in ways exactly opposite to what their feelings of love ask them to. They would be rude to that person and avoid spending time with him. They would give the impression that the person does not mean anything to them. Of course no human relationship can survive such hostility. When men finally break off from the one they love, they feel relieved, as if they have avoided a disaster. Of course, breaking the relationship creates a void within them that stays throughout life.

Hostility towards male-male desire

“homo!” As boys grow up, they hear such adverse comments about malemale sexual interest — often as part of peer pressure — that most of them develop deep hatred against their own feelings. They fight with it, suppress it, kill it, divert it disown it and hide it. Often, overcoming their sexual need for another man becomes a major obsession. Since these feelings are most intense during adolescence and youth, the struggle is the most intense during this time. Boys learn to wear a number of masks of ‘power’ (e.g. they may incessantly talk about girls or have girlfriends) to hide their struggle. While they burn inside, they appear cool, calm and controlled outside. During this struggle, many boys also experience superficial sex with other boys/men. Such bonds are deliberately kept superficial, even if there is a strong emotional attachment. It is easy to suppress emotional needs, even if it has long-term harmful effects. But sexual desire can momentarily be overwhelming and boys can easily give in. The sense of shame afterwards is enough to make most boys to – what scientists call – “come out of the phase” eventually. In reality, eventually they build an inner mechanism to rein in their sexual need for men. They deaden the need, often cruelly. Most boys have ‘achieved’ this (and they feel proud and relieved) by the time they are 19 or 20. But when they kill this need, they also kill an important part of themselves, their power to bond, their power to love – and also an important source of their natural masculinity.


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This extreme (but acquired) hatred for male-male sexual need is also externalised. It comes out in outward hostility towards malemale sex, and in jokes that boys crack about it. This also serves to keep peer pressure on one another. There are clichés that boys use to denigrate these feelings (e.g. I have the same ‘thing’, i.e. penis, as you, so why should there be any sexual attraction?). These clichés are handed down from generation to generation. The terms of abuse that boys use also have abundant references to sexual activity between men, especially penetrative anal sex. There is an interesting observation that men who unusually or violently put down sex between men, often harbour strong unresolved feelings for men themselves. Therefore, intense inner struggle with one’s sexual feelings make men behave violently or negatively to such bonds. (Because of this deep hatred, some boys victimise the rare boy who openly seeks sex with boys – who in most cases is a feminine boy – at the same time (ab)using him to fulfil their own suppressed sexual desires. They may have sex with the boy and then circulate the word about him being a ‘homo’, which subjects the boy to group humiliation, ridicule and abuse. But most masculine boys, when they have sex with another masculine boy, are likely to keep quiet about it. At the same time, they will take all precautions to make it seem they are just having fun and don’t place any significance to this bond while stressing sexual interest in girls emphatically to reduce their vulnerability.

The diversion process Extreme measures and mechanisms are put in place – both at the individual and the social level – to block, suppress or kill men’s sexual need for men, and to divert this need towards women. These mechanisms include social restrictions, barriers, mispropaganda, rewards and punishments, apart from manipulation of social masculinity. These measures are put in place before the individual experiences positive male intimacy or has the chance to develop his sexual need for men in a healthy manner. This means that adolescence is


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an extremely crucial stage for building this mechanism. If society fails to put this in place during adolescence, it has little chance in diverting/ restricting this invaluable male power. Effective measures have been in place to ensure that the evidences of this ‘diversion’ are well-hidden. No discussion of this issue is permitted in society. Added to the fact that this has been in place for a long time, it is hardly surprising that male sexual attention ‘naturally’ appears to be solely towards women. By the end of this diversion process – and after innumerable harmful side-effects to the individual – men come out with a diverted, bruised or mutilated sexual need that makes them incapable of forming intimate bonds with men —- although in most cases this need survives in suppressed forms. Many feminine males do not go through this diversion process – because they don’t consider themselves ‘men’. They find solace in separate social identities such as ‘Hijra’ or ‘homosexual’ which accommodate and recognize their femininity. There will always be some masculine boys who experience positive male intimacy before their same sex need is mutilated. The ‘diversion’ process will fail to have much effect on such boys. They may go on to develop a strong sexual/ emotional need for men. But life will be difficult for them — more so if they don’t have a sexual need for women. Their well-developed sexual need will find no space in society. They will suffer consequently. But unlike feminine males who become homosexuals, they will suffer in isolation and silence. Most of them will get married. No one will know of their plight. It will go unacknowledged. They will have to undertake enormous social risks to fulfil even superficial sexual needs. There is no space for them to fulfil their emotional needs. In frustration, they may either lead a totally non-sexual life or become promiscuous, especially as they grow older, and chances of finding an emotional partner diminishes. As they grow older, their desperation may grow, and they may start taking greater social/individual risks to find sex, may use unhealthy ways, and a few may turn anti-social to fulfil their sexual needs. In a


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heterosexual society, they will face another enormous social risk of being labelled a ‘homosexual’and thrown into the homosexual space. In the case of the rest of the boys, what remains of their sexual need for men after the diversion process, is a highly negative/ deformed sexuality. This may come out in suppressed, superficial and unattached sex with other boys/men, or worse, in situations where men are in a position of physical power over other men due to social circumstances – in ragging, prison abuses, etc.

Summary The social mechanism of man’s oppression, through social masculinity pressures, has created such circumstances that the driving force in men’s lives is the pursuance of outer power. Everything else becomes secondary – be it feelings, relationships, bonds, loyalty, character …. Human beings, especially men, care about only those feelings that are valued by society, value only those relationships that are sanctioned, institutionalised and celebrated by the society (more the importance and significance given by the society, more it is valued by the individual). They celebrate only those events/feelings/relationships that have social value. Since society has long discarded and dishonoured male-male intimacy, men fail to honour these needs and bonds, however intense these may be. Indeed ‘civilised’ societies have not institutionalized even friendships between men. Male friendships are also seen as more or less eyesores for the institution of marriage. Male need for intimacy with another man is a reality and cannot be wished away. Suppressing this important human instinct harms men in a number of ways. For one, it breaks man from man. A typical heterosexualised man is unable to relate with another man at any significant level. In modern heterosexual societies, deep friendships between men have become a thing of the past. Broken from each other, men become isolated and vulnerable, unable to protect even their most basic interests in society.


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For another, it takes men away from the most important source of their natural masculinity.

Pressure to ‘exaggerate sexual need for girls’ and ‘suppress sexual need for boys’ in a mixed gender setting In our discussion in (1) and (3) above we mainly talked about a traditional society. In a modern mixed gender setting the pressures are taken to an extreme level, and are in fact replaced with the pressure to be heterosexual. ‘heterosexual’ is a social identity which signifies: -

a complete sexual allegiance towards women;

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a complete sexual repulsion against men.

In a heterosexual society, girls are present in almost every social space of boys. Girl-boy casual is expected and encouraged by the society. There is no socially acceptable excuse for a ‘normal’ boy to not date girls to prove his manhood. It is no more enough to prove one’s sexual interest merely by talking about girls or by bragging or eve-teasing. In fact the traditional concept of manhood is replaced by the new concept of ‘heterosexuality’. In traditional societies it was the ‘capability’ to have sex with girls which was important not ‘interest’. The heterosexual identity requires an active interest, not only in sex with girls but also in bonding with them. While girls are liberated from strict gender and sexual roles in these settings, male sexual roles get especially intense. Girls, who suddenly have a direct power over boys, have lots of opportunities to exercise this power as well as the social sanction to do so, now easily exploit boys. Not only does the role of girls as source of social masculinity become more prominent, girls also have more direct power here to pronounce men namard. This is a poor model of gender equality.


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A refusal to have sex with girls will immediately make you a ‘homosexual’. ‘homosexual’ is the new ‘namard’ —— only it is a separate social identity with the third sex and is thus much more devastating for men. Any acknowledgement of same-sex needs would make a man an outcast — a homosexual, which automatically emasculates him and invests him with a social femininity. Needless to say that there is no scope at all for sex between males to take place, leave alone emotional bonds. It’s an open society now and unlike traditional societies, there are no social ‘purdahs’. Besides, there are no excuses, as girls are always available. You can’t sexually bond with another boy without being forced to leave your social masculinity and being isolated as ‘gay’. In fact this new social masculinity creates an intensely hostile competition amongst men to prove their repulsion for anything remotely erotic between men. Men are actively trained and expected to be disgusted and act in a hostile manner to anything sexual between two men.

Case study: In a movie on Alexander the great the media generated a big controversy in the US over a kissing scene between Alexander and Hephaistion, alleging that men are greatly repulsed by such scenes, and so they should not be shown.

Indeed the situation is so hostile in the heterosexual west that men are scared to touch each other’s hands or be physically close to each other. Needless to say that most men adopt the heterosexual identity even at great personal costs.

4. Sexual problems

“the more a man thinks about how much he needs to get and maintain an erection, the more difficult it becomes.” – Jack Challem


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Tampering with natural sexual lives of men gives rise to sexual problems which, though seen as diseases, are actually there because of socio-sexual pressures. But men are extremely worried about them because it is believed that they come in the way of ‘satisfying’ women, thus making men namards. These problems include premature ejaculation, those related with erection, size of the penis, angle of the penis, and several other minor concerns. Unscrupulous ‘sex’ clinics thrive in India, which exploit men by promising to cure them. Nowadays, even qualified doctors make a claim to treat such problems, calling them diseases, yet most of these doctors are unscrupulous. They play up the worries of ignorant men, conduct expensive tests, and give expensive medicines, when they suffer from nothing that medicines can cure. While medicines fail to have any real effect, any minor relief is purely psychological, as these are basically psychosexual problems and are best addressed with counseling

5. Sexual exploitation of men

“Most people still snicker about female harassment of males” — Harsh Luther The social masculinity roles regarding the sexual conduct of men make them victims of sexual exploitation. They suffer the trauma associated with sexual abuse, but their abuse is not seen. They often themselves give in. There is no way they can complain without compromising their manhood. A man, when approached by a woman for sex, is not supposed to say ‘no’. The society judges a man’s manhood on the basis of his ‘ability’ to empty into a vagina. The ‘invisible’ but real power that has been granted to females to proclaim a man mard or namard obligates the man to have sex with her even if he does not want to, in order to save his manhood and honour.


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Case study Ravi is a handsome 21-year-old young man working in an office in Delhi. He has a problem that often, when having sex, he does not get a proper erection. When counselled, he reported that he does not always like the girls that he has sex with. Sometimes he even feels nauseated having to sleep with them. When asked why he has sex with girls whom he does not like, he says that the girls themselves approach him, and he cannot say no to them, lest they call him chakka (a eunuch/ hijra/member of the third sex). He has accepted his fate of having to have sex with people he can’t stand. But such is the irony of male sexual roles that he himself takes the ‘blame’ for his predicament.

Case study Sailendra is in Class 10. He used to go to get tuitions from a ‘Didi’ living in the neighbourhood. While tutoring him, she started making physical advances. He did not have the option to say no, especially as an adolescent when the pressures to prove he is a man are most severe. He lost his virginity to her, but he hated doing so.

Society would not think much about the plight of Ravi or Sailendra. However, if the same thing happens to a girl, it is considered a major issue. Women who misuse the ‘invisible’ power to pressurise men to have sex with them are mostly sexually aggressive women. They have little power in traditional societies. But in heterosexual societies they are given unregulated and exploitative powers. Marriage is an institution that is especially taxing and restricting for many men. For this reason, men have tried to escape from it in all ages. In fact, if it were not for strict social pressure, few men would get married. In some cases marriages can be negative and harmful for the couples. Expecting or forcing boys and girls to get married (or to be ‘heterosexual’, in the west) as a rule, whether through direct or indirect means, is also a form of sexual abuse ordained by society.


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Case study Sonu is a virile, masculine boy who does not have much interest in girls. Most of his sexual needs are for a male partner. He does not want to get married to a girl. But society puts pressure on him. Even questions his manhood. He finally gives in. One year into marriage, he hates to sleep with his wife. Now he feels so bad about it that he dreads returning home every evening from work, but he has to perform his duty. Everybody else thinks he is a very happy man.

Sexual exploitation in Heterosexualised environment

“A man feels no shame” – a heterosexual cliché meaning he should not have a sense of modesty in front of women Modern heterosexual societies take sexual exploitation of men to new heights – often with official sanction. Grown-up boys and young men in the West are required to strip naked before female doctors, nurses, or officials, for compulsory check-ups that are required for entry into several government programmes, in sports and the army etc. It is said that if you are a sportsman, you cannot avoid that. Unfortunately, with the heterosexualisation of the Indian society, the practice has now come to India. Only a few years ago it would have been unimaginable. Indian men have a different sense of modesty than Western men. Many are not comfortable stripping before women, even for sex.

Case study Eighteen to 23-year-old boys who appeared for a physical test at the Indian Military Academy in Dehradun were shocked when they were made to stand in a row in their underwear, and a female officer ordered to take them off. In the beginning they hesitated and just stood there, hanging their heads in shame. But the female officer forced them to comply, challenging their masculinity. In the strict military establishment they did not have any other option.


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Having their genitals inspected by a female was a haranguing experience, when most had never even stripped before a man. None of the boys could complain, as it would make him a laughing stock, and any complaint would not be taken seriously. This practice is now common in the joint forces.

A similar army incident where a girl was asked to strip in front of a male doctor resulted in a hue and cry. Unfortunately, society uses different standards for boys and girls. That is not real equality. While the major public hospitals in Indian meteropolitan cities take adequate precautions to safeguard the modesty of women, they treat their male patients with insensitivity.

Case Study In an east Delhi hospital an unconscious youth lay naked in the emergency hall, in full public view, including many women. This, when there were screens available in the hospital.

Case Study Asif, a youth from a lower middle class family visiting a govt hospital in Delhi was scolded when he pleaded to be examined by a male doctor instead of a female.

Moderate forms of initiation rites that also involved nudity has been a part of male-only groups since ancient times (when masculine eroticism was glorified). It was beneficial in the bonding between newcomers and seniors. As society changed, such rites took the negative form of ragging. When rogue elements get involved today, ragging can get extremely cruel. But things changed drastically when in the West boys’ hostels opened to girls. Now, ragging in the West almost always involve boys being forcibly stripped by girls (with the backing of male seniors) or made to masturbate in front of them or be fondled by them. Interestingly, this opposite-sex ragging or hazing does not victimise girls.


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Allowing girls access to boys’ hostels facilitate such horrendous practices. For girls are as likely to sexually exploit/abuse, if given a chance, as are boys. But while boys can (in most cases) deal with boys, the social masculinity roles render them helpless to deal with girls as sexual abusers. Unfortunately, such practices are now being forced upon the helpless Indian male.

Case study According to a newspaper report in June 2005, a leading college in Delhi will have a new common hostel for men and women. While boys will live on the ground floor, girls will live on the first floor. The authorities have taken adequate measures to see that boys don’t enter the girls area. No one cares if girls enter the boys area. College officials claim that the new facilities are being introduced to improve the image of the college. The media praised the decision as a bold effort. There are two more institutes in Delhi where men and women share hostels.

Case study A fresher student in a leading medical college in Delhi was asked to come to the doctors room in the ward by the seniors and made to strip naked. To the utter shock of the boy, the seniors then called the nurse on duty into the room on the pretext of making coffee, and made the boy masturbate in her presence. The incident, like most others, went unreported.

Being sexually humiliated in front of females affects men tremendously. Apart from the sexual trauma and a sense of being forcibly exposed/violated/abused, they are also in a situation where they lose their sexual masculinity masks that they badly need in the race for social manhood or for status as a man. But their modern sexual roles prevent them from resisting, complaining or from seeking redressal. Heterosexual roles expect him to enjoy any sexual interaction with women and not to be shy or to show modesty.


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Traditional masculinity roles placed no such demand on men. In fact, a man was supposed to protect his modesty in front of women. Such forced exposure would have been considered a blot on one’s manhood. That is the dilemma of being a man in the modern, mixed-gender world. You are not allowed to feel violated. You are abused, but you end up feeling less of a human for not enjoying that abuse.

Breaking men from men “In America….. strangely strict physical boundaries are necessary among men.” – Mark Stevens Herding into male groups is the basic drive of mammalian males in the wild. Males spend their entire lives into the herds they join where they form close bonds with other males. In humans, the marriage institution has long ago deinstitutionalised such male groups. But the basic male instinct to ‘herd’ together remains. Traditional societies gave a lot of social space for men to live and bond with other men before marriage, primarily because the societies were segregated on the basis of gender. But the fast heterosexualisation is swallowing up these spaces, driving men into a corner. Boys need to grow up with other boys in male-only spaces to develop their true masculinity. It helps them learn about being male and experience the world as a male. It teaches them to relate and bond with other boys. Male-only spaces give them freedom to be themselves. Society may have artificially made women the source of men’s social masculinity, but a man’s real masculinity and happiness comes from bonding with other men. This is what makes a male a man. If they lose this opportunity when they are young, they can never make up for it in the future. A boy who does not get the chance to grow up with other boys will grow up with underdeveloped masculinity. Young men, like adolescent boys too, need time to develop masculine bonds and revel in their


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masculinity. That is the best part of their life, which no one should deny them. Youth is not the time to bind men in marriage, raising of children, dating, and relationships with women. Young men can play an important social role in helping adolescent males develop their masculinity positively. For no one else has the time, inclination or the capability to do that. Due to lack of guidance, adolescents channel their masculine energies into negative activities, which harm them as well as the society. In a research conducted on male adolescent elephants, it was found that if an older male elephant was not present to guide their masculine energies, adolescent elephants became destructive. Even when boys become older men and get married, they need male-only spaces to rejuvenate their masculine energies. They need this to rejoice in their masculinity and celebrate it, because that is the essence of their happiness. Modern societies take away this natural right of boys by forcing them into mixed-gender spaces, right from childhood. While girls still have some separate spaces for them, almost all boys spaces are intruded by females, be it the school, the gym, the swimming pool, the hostel or the army. Because of intense pressures of ‘heterosexuality’ in these spaces, boys lose the opportunity to learn to relate and bond with other boys. While mixed gender spaces are sensitive to the special needs of girls, including their need for privacy, they are insensitive and uncaring about boys’ needs. The notion about privacy for boys does not exist in such societies. The entire focus is on moulding boys to fit into male-female bonds, by forcefully exposing them more and more to females in their personal space. Deep male bonds are actively discouraged. When the traditional social masculinity roles of men are combined with a mixed gender space — they become heterosexual spaces which enhance the vulnerability of men thousand folds, while taking away all routes of escape or respite. India is passing through a phase, led by the media, in which vested interest groups are forcefully changing the entire social structure into a mixedgender, heterosexual one.


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Case study The Sur Yamuna Ghat at Wazirabad in Delhi has separate sections for men and women. During the last few years, a few women have started entering the men’s area, where men roam about in various stages of undress. The presence of women make men very conscious about themselves and restrict their freedom. Earlier, women would not have taken such liberties. Since men are not supposed to have any privacy needs, the authorities too don’t stop the women. However, there is still strict restriction on men entering the women’s area.

Case study Gyms used to be a man’s place where they built their bodies and bonded with other men. In the past few years, many gyms in Delhi have become mixed-gender gyms where men and women work out together. The media promotes such places as ‘dating joints’. While some men have moulded themselves to such a setting, most men feel discomfort and restricted in the presence of women. They don’t like the idea of the gym being a place for romance.

In a heterosexual, mixed-gender society, any relationship that men have with each other is superficial, limited to things like an occasional game, or purely professional relations. This isolation of men from other men and their total dependence on women is making them socially weak and vulnerable to exploitation. Men are losing their human rights as the society becomes increasingly anti-man. Man has now lesser rights in marriage, over their children, property and so on. Their privacy and modesty is invaded. They are made more vulnerable to sexual exploitation. The irony is that they are still made to believe that they are the powerful gender. While women get together to fight for their rights, men are unable to do so, because they are already broken from each other. They don’t feel one with other men. They don’t know how to come together. They see men only as competitors.


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In this extremely hostile world, male-only spaces are like oases for men. These are places of respite. In spite of negative elements present in them, these have less harsher pressures of social masculinity and are less hostile to their natural masculinity than the mixed-gender spaces. Boys who have lived in male-only settings instinctively sense their disempowerment in mixed-gender settings. Men will continue to suffer unless they learn to deal with their gender and sexual roles. For this they need to come together, which is not possible in heterosexual societies. It is certainly possible to achieve gender rights for women without forcefully mixing the sexes and without taking away men’s freedom.


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HOW ARE MALE GENDER AND SEXUAL ROLES IMPOSED UPON MEN? “(social) Gender is a regime that has been imposed upon all of us by cultures” – LeeAnne Marie M. Society creates an artificial atmosphere where males from an early age start believing that the social roles of masculinity are natural. So they use all their energy to try to fit into these social models. During childhood, boys see how other men around them behave. They absorb these primary lessons about social male roles from observing their fathers, uncles, elder brothers and other male family members. Both male and female family members convey to them what they consider is appropriate male behaviour and what is not. For example, mothers may ask their sons to keep out of the kitchen because that is not an appropriate place for men to be in. Boys are ridiculed when they cry, so they learn that men do not cry — at least not in front of others.

Case study When Suresh was in Class 10, he was scolded and humiliated by his father in front of their relatives when his family was visiting them. Suresh could not bear this insult. Inadvertently tears came into his eyes while his aunt was consoling him. Upon this his aunt exclaimed, “Don’t cry like a girl. You’re a man, learn to behave like a man.” This was the first time Suresh had heard such a statement. It had a deep impact on him. From then on he became like steel. As an adult, today he has difficulty crying in the presence of another person even if he wants to. He has become guarded about showing his emotions in front of others. Thus he leads a very stressful life.

The media and peer pressure are two major instruments through which artificial masculinity roles are imposed upon men. We will talk about them in greater detail.


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The role of the media “All media exist to invest our lives with artificial perceptions and arbitrary values” In today’s world the media plays a crucial role in imposing social masculinity roles on men, especially in their youth. Before globalisation, most of this came through Hindi films. Men in these films were shown as indulging in violence, chasing girls and smoking, which moulded the behaviour of men in those times accordingly. However, these roles were milder compared to what is being dished out by the media today. What is more disturbing is that the media has the power to change the social masculinity roles (as well other social values that can affect men’s lives negatively), as per the whims and fancies of those who control it. In the post-globalisation world, the media is overly eager to impose alien culture and values upon India without taking the responsibility of discussing them first or justifying them. This includes values and roles of masculinity from heterosexual societies. The role of Hindi movies has become less important, while that of TV has become extremely decisive. Today’s boys grow up watching programmes that show them a completely different set of male behaviour from those that exist around them — And this includes the indigenously made programmes. Gradually, they start relating to the ‘unreal’ images. This eventually results in a culture shift. Cartoon films made outside India that Indian youth is growing up on, show very young boys – as young as 9 or 10 – pursuing girls, falling in love and dating.

Case study A children’s serial shows a 9-year-old boy falling for a girl in his class and following her around, at the same time competing with his male friend over the girl.


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TV channels influenced by globalisation encourage, rather force young boys into behaviour that was previously unacceptable in Indian society. Such behaviour at such an early age is also not in keeping with boys’ nature.

When the media shows a strong macho figure indulging in a particular act, young boys take it as real. They try their best to make themselves conform to that media image to ‘prove’ their masculinity. In a world racing for social manhood, where values are changing fast, the boy who can do this first would secure his position in the lead. The media can play a responsible role in shaping men’s lives. But unfortunately it does not. The media, while irresponsibly attempting to shift male behaviour, is also simultaneously affecting female mores by glorifying sexual aggression and indulgence of boys in girls.

Case study In an advertisement, a pretty and attractive girl enters a setting that looks like a bar or a party, wondering who could be her man today. She uses a particular brand of hair conditioner, which gives her confidence and makes every boy look at her. An attempt is being made to make pre-marital dating an acceptable practice for girls. This was something unacceptable a few years ago.

Case study A family comedy serial in Hindi shows an ordinary office girl telling her boss casually that her ‘boyfriend’ has phoned her. The impression is created that it is a ‘normal’ and acceptable practice in India for unmarried girls to have boyfriends.

The media is also attempting to showcase men as ‘sex objects’ for women. While to be a sex object for women is being glorified as being a ‘masculine’ thing.


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Case study A programme on a foreign owned Indian channel features halfnaked male models with a large female-only audience. The audience is supposed to cheer and ogle at the bodies of the hunks. But inspite of the exhortations of the presenter they sit there uncomfortably, not looking like they are having a good time. The models too are uncomfortable in front of the all-female audience. The men are made to say utterly degrading remarks about men vis-à-vis women — that would surely be considered unmanly in the good old days. Ironically the programme is titled “He-men”. The male models are made to do ‘intimate’ dance items with the scantily clad female presenter. Both the models and the viewers feel uncomfortable. Finally the boys are made to stand in a line in just their boxers, while the female presenter rubs her hands on their hairy chests, pushing all but the ‘He-man’ into a pond behind. Interestingly, the programme includes a role-play where the male presenter asks a model to put down an imaginary ‘gay on the bus’ who is making advances (assumed to be ‘unwanted’). More interestingly, the model doesn’t seem too eager to do this. When forced, he does this as sensitively as he could.

This in short, is the forced heterosexualisation of the Indian society by the media. It is an attempt to manipulate the social masculinity pressures of the Indian male towards heterosexuality. Constant display of young men and women being physically close – men and women having sex, extremely suggestive poses, poses that are ambiguously friendly – makes such proximity acceptable and required amongst the youth — adding to their pressures. This may also give rise to problems in society, which the media does not seem to care about. It projects male-female sex as ‘casual’, and the reproduction or ‘marriage’ value of such relationships takes a back seat. It promotes the false belief that all ‘normal’ boys and girls need to date each other as a natural way of life. Virtually every programme shown on Indian TV today —


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including family serials and children’s programmes — promotes heterosexual ethos and values.

Case study The youth talent hunt programme on music, Indian idol (copied from the US programme, American Idol), which featured amateur youth artistes from small towns in India, asked its participants to hold hands and hug each other irrespective of gender. The boys and girls were uneasy doing this and it looked pretty artificial.

There is hardly a programme on TV where a normal young man does not fall in love with a girl. All that young men seem to do is to fall in love with girls and try to deal with relationship issues, especially the heroes, the most prominent male figures whom young men consider their ideals. At the same time the media is enforcing a masculinity image which breaks boys from other boys, takes away their capacity to relate with other men, and forces them to relate with girls, rather too early in their lives. Being too close with other boys or relating with them is now considered unmanly behaviour. In the US, the media has created such negative hype that even two brothers would feel scared to hold each other’s hand in public for fear of being labelled ‘homo’. In fact, in many parts of the West, men are extremely cautious when in the company of other males and keep a physical distance from each other. There is a clear attempt to force such a mentality on Indians, where traditionally social physical proximity between men is uninhibited.

Case study The cartoon character Johnny bravo on Cartoon network is shown enjoying female company and kissing young girls. But when asked if he has ever kissed a guy, he makes a terrible face.


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Case study An oft-repeated advertisement for a serial on Cartoon network shows a ‘macho’ cat character announcing proudly: “I treat women softly, but am rude with the guys.”

It should be noted that traditional Indian values encourage men to be polite even to their adversaries.

Case study An advertisement shows a male-female couple sitting alone in front of the TV. While the man wants to see a programme showing girls, the girl would rather watch a bodybuilding show. The man makes a bored face at the half-naked guys flexing muscles, signifying that men are not supposed to enjoy such things. This is the opposite of traditional Indian gender roles as well as natural male tendencies.

Incidentally, the only males that the media does not show as pursuing or chasing women are the feminine, limp-wristed fashion designer, ‘gay’ types. Such subtle associations impact the minds of the young strongly. When the macho guy rides cars at breakneck speed, fights with other men, treats other men with contempt, puts down ‘weaker’ males, has sex with girls, smokes marijuana, the youth gets swayed by these images and tries to shape life on them. Sometimes, what is propagated as masculine has nothing to do with masculinity. At other times, these images are those of ‘negative’ masculinity, or even of negative femininity. The media fails to highlight the positive aspects of masculinity, like character, courage, bravery, protecting the weak, social commitment, living on principles, male bonding, honour and so on. As a result, most macho guys today who would promptly join in beating up a vulnerable person, would rather not save a weak person who is being beaten up. They would safely consider it none of their business.


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Case study An advertisement on TV proudly teaches children: “Don’t be sidhasada!” (A sidha-sada person is one who is not sly, cunning and manipulative. He lives a simple life based on principles and especially keeps away from casual sex.)

It is an apt acknowledgement of change of values from the past, when the sidha-sada man was glorified as the ideal man. Today, he is made fun of and called a simpleton.

Peer pressure “Masculinity….. is confirmed only by other men” –Camille Paglia The most severe and decisive factor in imposing social masculinity roles is peer pressure exerted by boys of one’s own age that one wants to relate with. As boys grow up, during adolescence, they learn masculinity roles while interacting with friends and peers: at school, in the colonies they live in, in playgrounds, etc. During adolescence, a boy wants his own place in the outside world amongst boys his own age, his peers. Before this, his world was limited to his parents and family. Now it is extremely crucial for him to be accepted and respected by the boys he hangs around with. His peers/friends are his first contact with the outside world. The boy is trying to find his identity in the outside world, away from the protective environment of his family. Unfortunately, the world of male peers is not only competitive, but also cruel. There is an intense race for social manhood amongst the peers, because whoever is ahead in this race will lead the group, and everyone else will look up to him. Those who get left behind in this race may face a harsh life. They could be ridiculed, bullied, and no one would want to be friends with them. Peers who are ahead in the race for social manhood exert a lot of pressure on other boys to fit into the social masculinity roles even when the boys don’t want to. This pressure includes, amongst


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other things, smoking, drinking, eve-teasing, having sex with girls, fighting and getting into street brawls, speed riding vehicles, and a horde of other things that a boy may not want to do. There is no escaping peer pressure. Non-compliance could mean (a) he will be rejected by the peer group, (b) he will be ridiculed by his peers, (c) he will be seen as a lower male, an image that will be difficult to shake off. All this means that life will be tough for the adolescent and he will miss out on several important things in life. Naturally, no boy can afford to bear the consequences. Boys who are left behind in this race often find it difficult to reestablish themselves, and grow up with inferiority complex that hinders their development in other areas of life unless they get some help. Most boys learn to fit into the rat race, but become steeled, insensitive, mean and selfish in the process. They have to become all that in order to survive in the harsh world of men. The reason why peer-pressure plays such an important role in a boy’s life (while not in the case of girls), is the basic biological ‘herding’ instinct that masculine gendered males have. Boys need to be part of a male group. They instinctively tend to follow ‘herd’ behaviour and attitudes. They will go to great lengths to fit into such groups even if they have to fight their own natural tendencies. If a boy fails to be accepted into a boys’ group he will become isolated. This means that he will be deprived of the chance to develop his natural masculinity. He is then likely to grow up as a powerless, vulnerable and genderless (meaning neither masculine nor feminine) man. He may also become meek and a Mr. nice guy that everyone tramples upon. Another reason why peer-pressure plays such an important role in a boy’s life is that adolescence is an age where boys are extremely sensitive about how others perceive them. They tend to build their own self-image on its basis. Even a careless insensitive remark can break them. Adolsecents whose parents are ever-critical and who keep telling their sons that they are good for nothing grow up to


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be less confident. Adolescents who grow up with positive comments are more successful in life. Therefore, boys learn to submit to social demands, even if that makes them do things that go against their nature. This could involve small pretensions to things that could turn their entire life into a sham.

Case study Ritesh is in Class 11. He has joined a new school a few days ago. He is nervous and anxious to find a respectable place amongst his new peers. He can sense the ‘race for social manhood’ in the air. The two bullies in his class show an interest in befriending him and he does not want to offend them. They offer him a cigarette during lunch. Ritesh is under extreme duress. He does not want to smoke, but he is afraid to say no. The cigarette chokes him. The two bullies make fun of him and he feels humiliated. He spends the next five days smoking one cigarette after another in private to get used to smoking.

Case study Sanjay is in Class 10. He is average in sports, but likes to play cricket, football, etc. However, Sanjay does not like watching cricket or any other match on TV. He finds it boring to sit in front of the TV and watch other people play. He would rather go out and play himself. But everybody else seems to enjoy watching sports and Sanjay feels left out. Whenever there is a match on, practically every other boy is glued in front of his TV set and Sanjay does not know what to do. He is going somewhere with his friend Anand who is a few years older, and Sanjay looks up to him as his ideal. Anand asks him about the India-Pakistan match and Sanjay sheepishly tells him that he does not watch cricket matches. Anand is a die-hard cricket fan (although he watches more than he plays) and he is extremely surprised. He looks at Sanjay as if he is weird. He tells


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Sanjay almost in disgust that he cannot be a man if he does not like watching cricket matches. He makes it sound as if it is a disease not to have an interest in watching cricket. Anand thinks it is his duty to pressurise Sanjay in this way to make him, what in his eyes is being a real ‘man.’ Sanjay feels diffident about himself. He believes in everything that Anand tells him. He develops an inferiority complex, believing he must be lacking in masculinity for not wanting to watch cricket matches. He forces himself to watch cricket for the next week. He likes them it sometime, but afterwards gets bored. He is more interested in watching the Discovery channel, or other informative programmes. He then accepts his disinterest in watching cricket matches as his weak point.

However, he feels different about it when he meets his highly successful uncle who has a disdain for people who waste their time watching cricket.

Case study Anjan is in Class 11. He is friendly with two bullies in the class and is proud of it. Together, they form a threesome everyone else is afraid of. Their company makes Anjan feel powerful and masculine. As time passes, Anjan realises that there are several things about these boys that he does not like. But he dares not say so, for he feels his friends will drop him. He has been a hesitant partner in everything that these boys do, whether it is smoking cigarettes or eve-teasing. But the thing that worries him the most is that these two boys sometimes get involved in violent fights with outsiders. The last time it happened, they asked Anjan to join them in the fight. Anjan was fearful. He was not prepared to get into a violent fight that might involve weapons. That time Anjan got away making some excuse. But Anjan is afraid this will happen again and he cannot make excuses each time. He is apprehensive that they will break up their friendship with him if he says no. Not only that, they will


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make fun of him, and this will make him a laughing stock in the class. All this has made life stressful for Anjan and affects his studies.

But the most severe pressure on boys is regarding ‘sex power’, especially the need to exaggerate sexual attraction towards girls. Peers demand ‘proof ’ of this desire by asking boys to indulge in eve-teasing, chasing girls, and in some cases having sex with girls. Most boys are not prepared for such activities and feel stressed. They either comply hesitantly or resist this pressure, upon which they are ridiculed and deflated. This pressure affects studies and self-image.

Case study Every day, while going back home from school, Ajay’s friends tease the girls going to school on the way. Their comments on the girls sometimes get rude and vulgar. Ajay does not like this. However, he does not dare stop his friends. One day, his friends confront him and ask him why he does not participate in teasing the girls. Ajay does not know how to deal with the situation. “Don’t girls interest you?” one boy asks derisively. Actually, at this point in time, Ajay can very well do without girls, but he is ‘ashamed’ to admit the fact. “If you are a man you have got to enjoy these things,” one of the boys says. He hopes that his teasing will pass, but the boys again tease him the next day. They use abusive words like namard and chakka. Ajay feels insulted and is at a loss for words. Things start becoming difficult for Ajay and he stops mixing with this group. However, they keep teasing him in the class, and other students soon join in. Now Ajay wishes he had just done what the boys had asked him to do.

What we should realize is that it is the social masculinity and its roles that are to be blamed and not the peers. Punishing the bullies will not help, as long as they are empowered by artificial social masculinity.


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Case study Nicky returns home from school on a DTC bus along with his friends. His friends realise he is shy. Just to tease him, they challenge him to sit next to a girl they see daily. But there are other empty seats on the bus. Nicky refuses. Now his friends start teasing him daily and call him chakka. Nicky wants his friends to stop treating him like that, but he does not know how to make them stop. He has a chance meeting with a counsellor upon whose advice he firmly asks his friends to stop mistreating him, otherwise he will have to break the friendship. His friends surprisingly stop.

The moral of the above story is that peer pressure can be dealt with if the boy has self-respect and confidence in his true masculinity. Most boys give in to such pressures because the consequences otherwise are too harsh. In addition, submitting to social roles even when they are unfair entitles them to enormous social power, especially in the peer group. It is not practical to expect these hardened boys with infinite power to be sensitive to other people, or even to their own selves. All the above situations are basically of a male-only setting. The peer pressure in a mixed-gender ‘heterosexual’ setting is quite different.

Peer pressure on boys in a mixed-gender setting Traditional notions of ‘feminine’ change in a heterosexual society, and things that were earlier taboo (e.g. cooking and cleaning, midwifery, etc.) become available to boys. But many things earlier considered masculine (e.g., hair-cutting, tailoring) are now adjudged feminine and thus stigmatised for boys. Consequently, mostly feminine males opt for these professions which are now called hair-dressing and fashion designing. Whereas many general social roles of men loosen up to help boys become ‘equal’ to girls, the sexual pressures assume a never before proportion. Now the peers of the boys include girls,


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girls who the boy is expected to sexually service in order to be a man. Girls too are encouraged to see boys as sex objects. Plus, their power to define who is a man is now directly and openly practised. Girls are also often the most abusively active in isolating masculine male-intimacy as ‘homosexual’, thus intensifying the pressures. Heterosexual environments are biased against boys making them extremely vulnerable and conscious about themselves. Girls place extreme demands on boys and reinvent the rules of masculinity to suit their own interests.

How to tackle peer pressure “Never forget that only dead fish swims with the stream” – Malcolm Muggeridge When boys exert peer pressure over other boys, they feel enormously powerful. That is the most important reason boys like to do it. Everyone chooses to pick on boys perceived to be lower than themselves, in the race for social manhood. Boys who exert peer pressure on others are those who have accumulated enormous social power by achieving the key social expectations (the sexual roles) regarding social masculinity. In order to tackle peer-pressure it is important to remember that these social expectations are so unreal that no man can achieve them completely, and that boys only pretend and brag most of the time. This works only because most other boys are so full of complexes, that they believe whatever they are told. The bullies are unable to deal with all that power that comes so cheap. They then use it to deflate others, because this boosts their ego, thereby increasing their self-worth and reassuring them of their power. But this power is superficial and unreal. These boys are hollow and vulnerable from inside. They cannot deal with real challenges. Tackling peer pressure is not that difficult. But you need confidence to tackle it. Confidence comes from being in touch


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with your natural masculinity, from knowing that the bullies are hollow, and that social masculinity is not real. What would help is if you have your own ‘herd’ of boys which thinks like you and supports you against the bullies. This requires you to have an ability to bond with boys. If you have these, nobody can afford not to be friends with you. They cannot ignore you or make fun of you, no matter what social masculinity role you break. It may take some time, but people will know your real worth. Boys who exert pressure are after all ignorant themselves, and have no clue about what masculinity really is. Remember: It is not cool to do what everybody else is doing. What is really cool is to do what you think is the right thing to do, even if everybody else does not think so.

Tackling peer-pressure in heterosexual settings It is almost impossible to resist peer-pressure in a heterosexual setting where your peers include girls. Because, men are even more disempowered to discuss the issues of manhood with girls. There is little that a boy can hit back an aggressive ‘exploitative’ girl with when she questions his manhood, when sexual indulgence by girls is not stigmatized anymore. He cannot explain or defend himself because he can’t talk about his real issues. And he cannot hit the girl or use abusive language — options that at least strong boys have when dealing with other boys. The male peers too — led by some boys who mould themselves into the extreme heterosexual roles — thus assuming extreme social power, increase the sexual pressures on each other to an extreme. Thus in heterosexual settings boys really do not have a choice but to submit to the demands of these exploitative roles — and still put up a brave front. This requires them to even further blunt their emotions, needs and natural traits, in order to steel themselves. The only thing that can ultimately empower boys to deal with peer pressure in a powerless situation such as this is to get in touch with their natural masculinity.


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MECHANISMS OF MEN’S OPPRESSION “My theory is that men are no more liberated than women.” – Indira Gandhi To make men conform to their gender and sexual roles, the society adopts a reward and punishment approach. Only, the rewards as well as the punishments are in the extreme. When men give in to these roles, especially the basic roles regarding ‘sex’, they get rewarded. They will put you on a high pedestal, give you extreme social power and status on a platter, all very mind-boggling. But if you resist these roles, especially if you choose to break the basic rules about ‘sex’, the society will punish you to the extreme. They will disempower you, humiliate you, and take away your dignity. You will not be able to call yourself a ‘man’. To understand the severity of the punishments, you just have to look at what our society has done to the hijras, or how the western society treats transgendered males. Both have broken the basic male roles set by the society and both have been condemned to live a life worse than animals. No wonder men are scared and do not resist their roles.

The rewards offered by society “The great passion in a man’s life may not be for women or men or wealth or toys or fame, or even for his children, but for his masculinity” – Frank Pitman Society rewards men who conform to the roles set by it, especially the sexual roles, by giving them enormous social power, status and respect in the society and by acknowledging their manhood. They will put you on a pedestal. The sense of power that is endowed is intoxicating, something that men get addicted to. When you feel extremely powerful and masculine while you date girls, it is this hidden reward doing its work, not nature.


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When some boys act superior than others because they feel enormous power by doing things expected of social masculinity roles and they put down others, they are exhibiting this power that they have received as reward for furthering the cause of these roles.

Case study Amit and Lalit, both Class 11 students in an all-boys school, are travelling in a bus. Amit is stronger and more masculine than Lalit. But Lalit seems to overshadow Amit by incessantly talking about girls. They pass a co-ed school on the way and Lalit exclaims, “Hey, how about switching our school to this one after the 11th? It’s cool, we will have all those girls around!” Amit does not like the idea at all. But he cannot say so. He does not want to give Lalit another opportunity to act superior to him. So he keeps quiet, keeping his opinion to himself. He feels disempowered as a result – feeling ashamed for not agreeing with Lalit. Lalit can subconsciously sense this, which further enhances his confidence and sense of ‘power’.

Thus it is clear that even a naturally masculine man can be made to feel less masculine and vulnerable if he lacks social masculinity, while a male naturally deficient in natural masculinity can become powerful and exploitative if he fulfills the sexual roles of men. Man has been given a lot of outer social power over women, if he follows the critical social masculinity rules. It is a patriarchal society that we live in. A man heads the family. He ‘owns’ his wife and children. The children are known by his name, not their mother’s. They are considered his achievement, his property. They increase his honour tremendously and are the final proof of his manhood as needed by society. Yet he has done practically nothing to produce the baby, apart from giving his sperm inadvertently. The baby is a woman’s feat. She keeps it in her womb for nine months, feeds it with her blood


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and goes through excruciating pain to give birth. And the man takes the credit for it (especially if it is a boy!), without even lifting a finger. Enormous social power makes a man feel important and powerful. It increases his ego several fold. Have you ever noticed how proud and important a man feels when he marries? He feels especially superior to those men who are bachelors. And why not? He is going to receive the most important benefits/powers reserved for men who fulfil social masculinity roles. Notice how big a celebration he is accorded. Marriages are the biggest social celebrations organised by families in our society. The bridegroom is literally made to feel like a king, complete with a horse, crown and sword. As if he is a great warrior, on his way to conquer his most powerful enemy. Indeed, he feels important, for society makes him believe that getting married is a big feat. Families spend a fortune on weddings. The importance given by society to the institution of marriage can be gauged by the fact that this is the only occasion where almost all the family members, friends and relatives assemble to celebrate. The life of a man changes tremendously after marriage. He is now treated like an adult and taken seriously, whereas earlier he was a nobody. Now he has a standing in society. He gets invited to important social occasions with ‘due’ honour as a distinct member of the family/society. His opinion is taken in all important family matters, including those of the extended family. And yet things were not always like that. Thousands of years ago, societies started to grant these privileges to men when they decided that man and woman will enter into a socially bound ‘contract’ called marriage to produce and raise children. The idea was to compensate man for giving up his freedom, his natural drive to bond with men and his natural masculinity, in order to bind him into the lifelong responsibility of supporting a family. However, the man pays a heavy price for all this outer power. Whereas the power granted to him, though often superficial, is


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‘outer’ and obvious, the price extracted from him is not always obvious or visible. It remains hidden from the man himself. Society has taken measures to ensure that the cost remains hidden, and the man can only see the benefits. In most traditional societies ‘marriage’ is an important social role expected of a man to qualify for social manhood. When society imparts men such enormous power, in the process it secures some benefits (perceived to be so) for itself. The benefits are: (a) the man’s participation in the reproduction process is ensured – there is continued supply of children to continue the society, and (b) the man commits himself to bringing up those children, because he owns them. In modern heterosexual societies, we can see a disconcerting trend. These societies have further intensified the mechanism of reward and punishment and men are granted huge powers when they have relationships with women. However, there is no commitment required to produce or raise children or to get married. Sex (and surprisingly) relationships with women has surprisingly become an end in itself: the ‘supreme end’. Procreation is no longer the main goal. It rather becomes an impediment to form carefree male-female bonds. In spite of the hullaballoo about power, men become second class citizens. Men are not given outer power over women, but they are given huge exploitative powers over other men, who are then condemned to be lesser men. The new focus of social masculinity is not on producing children or on marriage, but on forming romantic bonds with women. The ‘new’ lesser men are those that fail to (or do not want to succumb to the pressure to) have romantic relationships with women. This new social masculinity is called “heterosexuality” — a new concept originated in the west. As the marriage institution weakens, and families become nuclear families – both a result of heterosexualisation, more and more women end up raising their children alone as single mothers while managing a career at the same time. To nurture and raise children, women neither have the support of other women that she had


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under natural conditions, nor the support of another man which she had in traditional societies. She, like the man, is also isolated. This entire social mechanism no longer benefits society, but gives extraordinary and unjust social powers and advantages to a specific group of men and women – (which, inspite of what it seems, is actually a minority) – over others. Natural masculinity thus becomes totally detached from social manhood. The rewards granted by society may sound superficial and dispensable, but in reality they are essential for men not only for a better social life including access to better resources, but also for their very survival in the man’s world. Without this they will be held in contempt, lose all respect and live on the fringes as disempowered lesser men. Such a social environment has been created by society as part of its mechanism to control men’s lives. The manhood granted by society is artificial. It seeks to indulge only the exaggerated ego of men. The status and respect that follows is unearned and undeserved. You do not need to have any natural masculinity to get the social manhood status and all the power that comes with it. Society first builds up false ego in men to extreme levels. Then it makes men dependant on these ‘rewards’ to fulfil their enhanced ego. Men are extremely scared to get their ego hurt and this makes them vulnerable. So they bluff a lot and act stiff. Men get carried away by the dizzying power that comes from submitting to the key gender and sexual codes. But this superficial power granted by society does not empower them to deal with the real life situations that they have to face. Men who get addicted to this power fail to develop inner strength, real masculinity and character, and remain hollow and weak from inside. However, it is not really the greed for rewards offered by society that really forces most men to fit into the social masculinity roles. Rather, it is the punishments for disobeying these roles that leave men with no choice.


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The punishments given by society “very early on boys begin to get the message that there are severe consequences for breaking the code of conduct” – Steve Brown When you do not fulfill a required male role, you are held in contempt. People will see you as ‘lacking’ and pressurise you to conform. You may also be ridiculed. But when you do something which is ‘banned’ for men, especially in the sexual field, the punishments really get extreme. You may be considered ‘abnormal’ and made an outcaste. Indeed, hijras are living for centuries the worst possible punishment. Their crime is that they have chosen to live like females when society expects them to be men, and have refused to participate in the reproduction process by getting castrated.

Case study When a hijra dies, following a grotesque custom in their community, other hijras beat up the corpse with chappals and abuse her. This is done to rid her of her curse so that she is never born a hijra again. This shows the extent to which hijras are persecuted by society for breaking the male gender and sexual roles.

For so-called ‘normal’ (masculine gendered) males, the punishment for doing the ‘forbidden’ would still be enormous, even if not similar to the hijras. They would be given the ‘lesser’ male status, that of the namard. For example, any male who refuses to partake in the reproduction process will be looked upon as a namard, unless he has a valid excuse. Punishments vary with the kind of social roles broken. It can include from social ridicule to isolation to outcasting to physical and mental violence. For someone who breaks one of the important sexual roles, the punishment can be socially extreme. He may be thrown into the extreme depths of disgrace from the high pedestal that the society puts men on. He can lose all respect, dignity and status. He may


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lose his honour, which is extremely important for a man. He may be ridiculed and disgraced as a namard or worse, as homosexual. The society may not acknowledge his manhood, and this could really break a man. It is typical that in the modern heterosexual world, while the woman is rewarded for breaking her gender/ sexual roles, the punishment of men for breaking theirs is increased several folds. The only possible way to defeat this reward and punishment mechanism for men is to fight it unitedly and change the society and its anti-male roles.

Shaming men: a major instrument of enforcing masculinity roles “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” – Eleanor Roosevelt Social ridicule is often used against men, and it is often enough to make men comply. Such ridicule could become extreme and affect the person seriously. Ridicule is also a major tool involved in peer pressure. The most prominent words used to ridicule men are: aurat, girl, ladki, woman, wimp, fag, pansy, chakka, homo, hijra, gaandu, halwa, namard, etc. These words hurt men the most. Especially a boy who has not yet seen the world, can be broken by such abuses. If we want to empower boys to deal with ridicule, the first step is to make them understand that these words are hollow. They have significance only as long as we fear them. There is no need to fear them, because their base is social, not natural. Let us find out what it is about these words that are so offensive to men. These words belittle men by challenging their masculinity and hurting their socially enhanced ego. Worst of all, they attempt to take away a man’s honour by challenging his ‘sex power’, which is the key to his social manhood. They either compare men to women, or to extremely feminine males who are believed to seek receptive anal sex from men as an assertion of their femaleness.


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Let us examine these words one by one and see what they mean and how they hurt:

1. Girl Words such as girl, aurat, ladki, etc. are sometimes used for feminine boys. Femininity in men is considered extremely unbecoming by society. Feminine boys have to live with their femininity as if it were a handicap. Feminine boys can make up for this handicap by fitting into the more important ‘sexual’ roles, but their effeminate behaviour will always leave them open to ridicule. These words, however, are used more commonly on nonfeminine/masculine boys when they break social masculinity roles – even minor ones – by socially stronger boys. These words hurt a boy by making him feel that he is lacking in ‘maleness’, or by making it clear that he is weaker than the abuser. Unless he wins back his lost position with wit, confidence or a fight. These words are also used to challenge or instigate a boy into doing something he does not otherwise want to do.

Case study Some boys from another class make a ‘suggestive’ remark about Sushil’s sister. Sushil is upset but is outnumbered. In any case he does not want to get involved in fisticuffs because he is not physically strong enough. Therefore, he walks back to his class. Others come to know of this and condemn Sushil by calling him a ladki for not hitting the boy who has made the remark. To save his honour, now Sushil is forced to act. He goes and challenges the boy who made the remark. The boy’s friends join him too and together they thrash Sushil and he has to be rescued by others.

Considering that Sushil is not physically strong, a better approach would have been to approach a teacher or an elder and make a complaint. But peer pressure forces Sushil to get involved in a fight he cannot win.


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The word ladki can also be used by family members and others to teach male gender roles to a boy. A lesson taught this way is not likely to be forgotten by the boy, as he will always remember the insult. Just by someone calling a boy a ladki, a boy does not become a girl. Just like a girl cannot become a boy. Sex is biological. So is gender. A masculine boy cannot become feminine, nor can a feminine boy become masculine, just by someone’s degrading or derisive remark.

2. Namard

“Impotence cuts to the core of men’s self-esteem in our society,” –- Ivker The word namard is far more abusive and downgrading for a man than the words ladki or girl. Namard is used when the boy/man is seen to be unable to conform to the more important sexual roles of masculinity. The word namard is used for a person who is supposed to be physically unable to have sex or to satisfy one’s sexual partner. If he cannot ‘satisfy’ a woman, it is believed that he has a physical ‘sexual’ deficiency. It is commonly used for the following real or imagined conditions: i. ii. iii. iv.

Small size of penis Erectile dysfunction Premature ejaculation Infertility

i. Small size of penis: It is believed that the size of the penis needs to be big in order to satisfy a female. This is a myth, as the vaginal passage of a woman is only 2 to 3 inches long. Beyond that, the woman cannot feel a man’s penis. At the same time, too big a penis can make sex painful for the woman. Ironically, many feminine gendered males including several noncastrated hijras have big penises. And several macho men have small penises. Penis size thus cannot be a measure of one’s masculinity. Thus a small penis cannot make a person a namard.


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ii. Erectile dysfunction: If a man has a problem getting an erection or if the erection is not hard enough or not for long enough, the person is said to be impotent or namard. However, most cases of erectile dysfunction happen because of psychological reasons and not because of a physical or anatomical deficiency. In fact, most men have phases in life when they experience problems getting a ‘proper’ erection. This usually happens when the person is stressed or too busy or suffering from health problems. The basic requirement for getting an erection is that the man should be interested in sex at that particular time and with that particular partner. If a man has to have sex with a woman he does not find sexually attractive, he will find it hard to get an erection. It does not mean that he has a deficiency or he is a namard. The man may easily get an erection with another woman or man that he does find sexually attractive. Similarly, a man may not find women partners attractive, but may get perfect erections with a male partner whom he likes. None of the above conditions point to a physical or anatomical deficiency. iii. Premature ejaculation: There is a prevalent myth that it is important for a man to withhold his ejaculation for as long as possible in order to satisfy a woman, and that a man who is unable to do this is a namard. However, nature has not made men and women to reach orgasm at the same time. Man is designed to reach climax sooner. Moreover, ejaculation timing has a lot to do with a person’s psychology. Therefore, premature ejaculation is not a valid ground for calling a man namard. Most men, especially in their younger years, go through premature ejaculation because of psycho-social reasons. iv. Infertility: If a couple cannot conceive children, it is believed that the man is impotent. However, in almost all such cases, there is no problem at all with the man achieving or maintaining an erection. Conception, in any case does not need ‘perfect’ sex or even a good erection. Even if a few drops of semen enter the vagina, even without penetration, conception can occur.


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Infertility has several other reasons, which can be both in men as well as women. The man’s sperms may be deficient. But it certainly does not mean that he cannot have sex or enjoy sex or that he has a sexual problem. Therefore, he cannot be called a namard. After all, we don’t call a woman who doesn’t conceive a na-aurat (a non-woman).

3. Hijra or Chakka Hijras are a community of hermaphrodites, transsexual, transgendered and intersexed males in India. They live, dress and conduct themselves as women. They do not consider themselves as men, neither does the society. Many of them get castrated and become eunuchs because it makes them symbolically closer to women. Hijras are known as the third sex – meaning they are neither men nor women. Hijras are a secretive community, which live on the fringes of society. Therefore, a number of myths are prevalent about this community. Not all transgendered and hermaphrodite males join the hijra community. Many of them live in the mainstream. But they hide their sex identity from the rest of the world. Hijras did not always live on the fringes. Before the Britishers came to India, Hijras were openly accepted as respectable citizens in the mainstream. But Britishers, due to their Christian background, made ‘transvestism’ illegal and punishable. Slowly they were marginalized from the society, and today they beg and prostitute to make a living. However, a lot of respect for Hijras survived till a decade ago, but heterosexualisation of the society has made the society extremely hostile to Hijras.

Case study A prominent veteran folk singer from Allahabad who died some years ago was a respected citizen who lived in the mainstream and was an important figure at most family functions including births and marriages, where he would overlook several activities


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including food preparation. He was a Hijra and the youngsters called him Ganna Nana (grandfather) with respect. He never made vulgar gestures, nor begged nor indulged in prostitution like Hijras do today.

Unfortunately, the independent India still follows the laws laid down by the British, which do not give a legal validity to Hijras. According to Indian law a Hijra is seen as a man.

Case study When filling forms they have only two options: male and female. There is no legal validity for a member of the third-sex.

Case study A Hijra who contested a legislative seat reserved for women and won, was adjudged a male by the court, and disqualified.

Since they are non-existent as far as the law is concerned, our society does not have any social spaces for them. So, e.g. there are male toilets and female toilets, but no such facilities for Hijras. Just like the mainstream male community has pressures to have sex with women and sexual desire for women is considered an essential male quality, in the hijra culture – which is an extension of the mainstream culture – there is a pressure to have receptive anal sex with men as a social symbol of their femininity. As a result, mostly transgendered males who are interested in men join the hijra clan. Most of the rest of the transgendered population live secretly in the mainstream. But in spite of this pressure, many hijras openly or secretly have sexual relationships with women. Indeed in the west most transgendered and transsexual males identify themselves as ‘heterosexual’.


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Case Study A transsexual male in the U.S. who had a girlfriend decided to have a sex change operation and become a woman at the age of 24. His girlfriend left him after he became a woman. S(he) still seeks sexual relationships only with women. Since the west does not acknowledge a separate sex identity for transsexual males and insists on calling them men, and since it is extremely oppressive of such people, this individual decided to come to India and learn about the Hijra identity. She was overwhelmed by discovering a traditional social identity for transgendered men and today she proudly calls herself a Hijra.

Even though hijras are only partly males, it is not proper to call them namards or ‘non-men’! A person should be known for what he or she is, not what he or she is not. Hijras prefer to be referred to as the feminine gender, because they feel they are actually females caught in male bodies.

4. Who are ‘homos’? Although words like gaandu and sometimes ‘homo’ are used jokingly amongst friends, these words can be very hurtful when used in an abusive or humiliating sense. Gaandu: The word gaandu is quite different from the word ‘homo’. It originally refers to a (usually masculine gendered) man who likes to have anal sex with another man or a woman, though its most common usage is to refer to a liking for receptive anal intercourse. The word Gaandu is not a sexual or gender identity, but only denotes a liking or addiction to a particular sexual activity. The word ‘homo’ however is a gender identity. Homo: The Indian version of the term ‘homo’ is quite different from its original usage in the west. In India it refers to transgendered males who have sex with men. The term ‘homosexual’ is used for a feminine male who is stereotyped as being desirous of having receptive anal sex with


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men as an assertion of his feminine gender. (S)he is often believed to be promiscuous. Although both ‘homos’ and ‘hijras’ are feminine gendered, there are several key differences between them. For instance a hijra is castrated, while a homosexual is not. A homosexual is usually content with his male body in spite of his femininity. A hijra wants freedom from the male body, hence the castration. A hijra lives outside the mainstream society. A ‘homo’ lives within the society and may get married and raise a family like other men. While a hijra dresses and behaves like women, a ‘homo’ only behaves like women, and usually does not dress openly like women (though he may use make-up and jewellery, etc.) probably because he lives under the pressure of the mainstream society. With the increasing heterosexualisation/globalisation of the society and rising hostility against male-male bonds, the words ‘gaandu’ and ‘homo’ are now often used interchangeably to refer to a liking for receptive anal sex. It is interesting that although in the West ‘homo’ refers to sex between any two males in our traditional society, masculine or socalled ‘normal’ men who have sex with other men are not considered homosexuals. On the other hand, a feminine male who may have sex only with women would be described as a ‘homo’. So ‘homo’ in India is basically a feminine gender/ third sex identity rather than referring to a sexual preference.

Case study In a series of workshops on masculinity conducted by an NGO with men of all ages in several cities of north India, the men described a famous TV character Dilruba as a ‘homo’. Dilruba is a limp-wristed, extremely feminine person, but his sexual interest is only in women. On the other hand, two masculine men who have sex exclusively with each other (and not with women) were not identified as ‘homo’.


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The word namard is a false scare The word namard (and all such put downs) is basically a scare meant to control male sexual behaviour according to the demands of the society. There are a few questions that all men should ask: If nature has made us men, how can society impose its own requirements on us before letting us be men? Isn’t it true that society makes men subservient to women by demanding that men satisfy women in order to qualify for manhood? After all, no one asks men if they are satisfied or not. The woman does not become a na-aurat if she does not satisfy men. Is having sex with women really a hallmark of manhood? Is that a requisite biological function of a male? (we shall examine this issue in the next chapter). Contrary to propaganda, a real man is not someone who bends over backwards to ‘satisfy or serve women’s passions’ or in other ways inconveniences himself to fit into social masculinity roles. A real man is someone who has the courage to challenge the social masculinity roles on the strength of his natural masculinity.

Proving one’s masculinity “Masculinity must be proved, and no sooner is it proved that it is again questioned and must be proved again – constant, relentless, unachievable, and ultimately the quest for proof becomes so meaningless that it takes on the characteristics…of a sport.” – Michael Kimmel Ph.D, Sociologist An important social pressure statement used by boys to make each other fall in line is, “prove your masculinity”. By this they mean that one should do things listed in the chapter “Male gender and sexual roles”. And the most important proof is having sex with a woman. This statement is mostly used in this context only.


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Women too use the statement, often to force men to do things they are not prepared to do. It is a perfect way to fool men. Indeed men are fools to allow society to manipulate them. Surprisingly, this statement works. Men will do anything to prove their masculinity. They would even get themselves humiliated in public. Some examples are: -

Men easily get into fistfights when their masculinity is challenged.

-

Men will have sex with any woman even if they don’t like her, if their masculinity is challenged.

-

In a case study given earlier, boys in an army medical test were initially hesitant to strip in front of a female officer, who called on their masculinity to make them oblige.

The above examples show how severe the pressure on boys is to prove their masculinity. The root of this whole ‘proof ’ element goes back to the early tribal societies where men and women lived in separate groups, and men would hunt and fight enemies, while women raised children collectively. The male children would live with the female group till they reached adolescence. On reaching adolescence, a boy had to undergo a ritualistic test before he could join the male group, where he had to earn his ‘manhood’. The ritual would consist of testing the boy’s masculine strength needed to hunt, fight or do other important functions of men. For example, the boy would be required to jump from a high platform or climb trees to gather honey or jump over dozens of cattle, and other kinds of tests, which varied with culture. Only after proving his masculinity was the boy admitted into the male group. He could now join them in the hunting or fighting expeditions. Man is naturally inclined to live and bond with other men. To him, being admitted in the ‘male’ group is an extremely important instinct, even when he does not live in exclusively male groups. Today, society has manipulated this test to force men do things that has nothing to with masculinity. Today’s tests do not


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judge a man’s masculinity but thrust him towards forced femininity or harmful masculinity, which are at the root of his oppression. In today’s world, proving one’s masculinity is equivalent to proving one’s enslavement, and thus proving one’s foolishness.

The concept of honour “He has honor if he holds himself to an ideal of conduct though it is inconvenient, unprofitable, or dangerous to do so.”– Walter Lippmann An important masculine quality of the human male is ‘honour’, which also has its basis in the male instinct to live with and bond with other men. It is also related to proving one’s masculinity. In the early tribal societies, when a boy failed in masculinity tests, he had to live the life of a lesser male who was ridiculed and mistreated. He had very few rights and little access to community resources. No man would want to bond with him, and no female would want to bear his children. Those who cleared the test and proved their natural masculinity still had to protect their honour, losing which they would lose respectability in the male group. Honour included fulfilling community obligations, being faithful to one’s male companion, integrity, etc. Protecting one’s honour usually required fighting one’s enemy. It was possible to bring back lost honour by doing things like bringing back the head of an enemy. These men were especially sought after as lovers by other men, could mate with the best females, and had better access to community resources. Having sex with women was however not considered a particularly masculine quality, and many men, including highly honoured men, did not mate with women or produce children. Later societies manipulated both these concepts of proving one’s masculinity and that of honour to force men into an emerging institution: marriage. The pressures have intensified through the ages. Even though the rules of masculinity and the values of honour have changed, men still care a lot about honour. But now the


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control of the society is no longer in their hands. They have no control over what is considered masculine or un-masculine. So their honour has become an important tool to oppress them. They are forced to do specific things or abstain from doing others, and honour would be denied if they resisted.

Enforcing silence on male issues “The cruelest lies are often told in silence” — Robert Louis Stevenson In the old times, as part of proving their manhood men were expected to bear excruciating pain without showing a sign. Later societies used that pressure-to-be-silent to ensure that men also bear their oppression silently. Only, now the pain is not physical but mental/ emotional (and thus invisible). And the manhood that comes is a deception. This is the reason that in spite of the intensity and extent of male oppression going on for some thousand years, the most powerful human gender – man — has not understood their oppression or taken any organised steps to resist it. It will not take much for them to fight for and take back their rights the day they realise their oppression and its mechanisms. Any discussion of masculinity issues is severely stigmatised. A complete silence is enforced on the issues men face in their struggle to achieve social manhood. Talking about them is believed to show men as weak and vulnerable. It is believed to ‘expose’ that they have problems fitting into the gender/sexual roles. Men are naturally supposed to have the qualities required by social masculinity. Therefore, men don’t like to discuss their inner conflicts. If they encounter hardships, they learn to deal with them on their own. On the outside, they pretend as if achieving their socio-sexual roles is the most natural thing for them. The more quietly a person endures the resulting mental, emotional and physical pain, the more man he is considered. Thus men appear calm, in-control and powerful from the outside — even though they burn within.


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Men wear innumerable masks to hide their wounds. When men look at each other, they only see each other’s masks, which they take for real. This increases their isolation, since each man secretly sees himself as ‘different’ and ‘lacking’ and the other as ‘perfect’. Men fail to relate with each other’s pain and struggle, when every one of them is undergoing the same. Men end up suffering in silence and isolation, devoid of the comfort that they share the same pain. This also means that they cannot unite to fight their oppression. Men are voiceless in everything that should really matter. Their real issues never come out in the open. Neither does their pain or struggle. For the outside world, they remain the powerful and oppressive gender which does not have problems. They don’t need any rights or outside help. They seem to be doing perfectly well. The modern heterosexual society propagates these masks of men as their real self and denies that there is any other reality than what appears – without anyone daring to challenge that view. This fake ‘openness’ of the modern world is thus even more oppressive for men. There can be no escape for men, no freedom and no real masculinity unless they learn to break their silence. That is the only way they can relate with each other’s pain and find strength. Then only will they understand the social mechanisms of oppression in its entirety and can unite to dismantle it. This book is an effort to break the silence and bring out the hidden struggles of men.

Self-control “In the West, the knight always wins a maiden. In China (i.e. east), men who distanced themselves from romance and sex with women are praised for their self-control. If I were more skeptical, I’d be shocked that such a differing world could exist.” – Jeffery Mingo Moderate self-control is an important characteristic of positive masculinity. It ensures that masculinity does not become negative


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and aggressive by channelising it in the proper direction. Its purpose is also to bring moderation in the indulgence of one’s natural needs and desires. But the purpose of self-control has never been to suppress these needs altogether. All ancient masculine societies and traditions stressed on selfcontrol as a masculine quality. Masculine men still pride themselves on their self-control/restraint. However, modern societies have exploited this aspect to control men’s lives by requiring them to exercise extreme self-control in order to qualify for social manhood. The purpose of imposing this extreme self-control is to kill their natural needs and urges, which are an integral part of his natural masculinity. Thus the more severely men control their instincts, the more social masculinity and power they assume. The original masculine virtue of self-control has been converted into a negative feminine vice of suffering in silence. It is another important factor that has prevented men from retaliating, in spite of suffering for centuries. Thus the social masculinity brand of self-control harms men and their natural masculinity.

Heterosexualisation of society “What is natural does not need to be enforced through social pressures and mechanisms” — taken from an internet discussion Heterosexualisation is a modern anti-male process which seeks to consolidate – for the benefit of a few – the powers granted to malefemale marriage by traditional societies by a)

altering the concept of marriage and diverting its focus from producing and raising children to facilitating malefemale romance.

b)

changing the basic set-up of the society – including its customs, spaces and values – to facilitate male-female casual relationships/sex and breaking them free from the burden of procreation/ marriage.


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c)

totally wiping out other forms of human sexual bonds from the mainstream and throwing them on the fringes.

The seeds of heterosexualisation of the Indian society were sown with the advent of the British in India. It gained momentum when independent India chose to follow the Western pattern of social development. With the entry of foreign media into India in the past few years, heterosexualisation is being enforced with full force. Heterosexualisation of society includes the following changes: 1. Society is forcibly converted into mixed-gender: This conversion is carried out in the name of bringing ‘equality’ between the sexes. - All male-only spaces are heterosexualised: They are changed into mixed-gender spaces with heterosexual values. Women-only spaces are mostly protected from this process. - Social customs and values are heterosexualised: As part of the heterosexualisation of Indian society, ‘dating’ between unmarried boys and girls is being enforced, especially by the media. Leading newspapers routinely carry dating/relationship advice, even for schoolgoing children. An environment is being created where it becomes acceptable for middle class parents to allow their children to date. Dating includes casual sex. Boys and girls in middle class urban societies today are under increasing pressure – both explicit and implicit – to date. The message is – if you don’t date, you are outdated. Dating is replacing the earlier power sources for boys. The day is not far when boys who don’t date will be disempowered and vulnerable. Several modern urban spaces including shopping and recreational places often allow only male-female couples – this includes even schoolgoing children. Worse, they bar single men from entering or hanging around in the premises.

Case study A shopping mall in East Delhi, has posted a notice in its lounge saying: “Only couples and families allowed.” Consequently, in


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the malls frequented by family and children, young unmarried couples, encouraged by the authorities can be openly seen in compromising positions.

Only a few years ago, it was unacceptable for a man and a woman, even if married, to show sexual affection in public. It is not unreasonable for a society which gives exclusive and extraordinary benefits/power to male-female couples through marriage, to impose regulations so as to maintain social order. This is also necessary to keep that power in check so that it does not become all-powerful and exploitative. Today, empowered by heterosexualisation, malefemale couples are seen hugging and kissing in public parks, unmindful of how it affects others. It is not uncommon to see young unmarried boys and girls roaming hand-in-hand in streets and colonies in metropolitan India. Such public display of malefemale sexual affection is a blatant demonstration of aggressive, unreasonable power. It increases the social masculinity pressures on men tremendously. The effect of this on children is a major reason for concern.

Case study A few years ago, after a rape incident in the Buddha Jayanti Park, the police barred single men from entering the park. The move was initiated because the media vehemently supported the couples who use the park for sexual activities. The move would have been unthinkable a year ago. In fact, there was a public outcry against couples misusing public parks for dating/ sexual activities.

In many westernised upper middle class Indian spaces, men and women have started to kiss each other as a form of social greeting, while men greet each other with a cold handshake, as an imitation of western customs. This practice is being popularised by the media.


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Case study The Indian Filmfare awards lately have adopted the practice of men kissing women on stage, unmindful of how unacceptable it is in Indian society. It is interesting how the men are all covered while the women sport skimpy dresses.

Traditionally the Indian art and culture forms including theatre and dance are either male-only or female-only. This is especially the case with Indian popular dances, including Bhangra. In Indian parties, it would be unacceptable for a boy and a girl to dance together. At the same time, there is nothing unusual about two boys or two girls dancing together even if it is ball dance. This custom is also under attack. In today’s discotheques, girls and boys drink and dance together. And while it is no big deal for two girls to dance together, it is increasingly becoming unusual for two boys to do so.

Case study In a dance choreography organised at the Kamani auditorium in New Delhi for children, a male-female duo staged a dance with highly sexual moves, although the dance form and the dress were typically Indian. The original dance form comprised of two men and although very physical was not sexual in nature.

Sex education in India has also become a tool to further the heterosexualisation process. For instance, many trainers force boys and girls to sit together for ‘sex’ education to clear their inhibitions and social barriers.

Case study An internationally funded NGO working on gender issues organised a meeting for its large staff which mostly comprised local boys and girls. They belonged to a traditional town where unrelated men and women did not mix socially. At the meeting, the boys sat together with the other boys, while the girls sat next to each other. The NGO forced the boys and girls to sit in heterosexual pairs, against their will, comfort and cultural sensitivities.


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Several such NGOs, multinationals and other agencies working with the local youth force a mixed- gender culture and ethos upon Indians, backed by their money power. This process also affects women adversely.

Case study A young Delhi girl who joined a leading BPO company (call centre) was shocked when she was asked to go on a recreational staff tour, where all the boys were paired off with girls and asked to share a hotel room. She refused and lost her job.

Earlier she was asked to come to an office party dressed in a short skirt, and she refused. She was in the bad books of her boss ever since. 2. Male-female bonds are given unlimited power: - Open and aggressive female sexual interest in men is glorified and promoted and expected of all ‘normal’ females. All social regulations/ mores put in place by traditional societies at the time of granting excessive powers to male-female sex indirectly granting ‘invisible’ power to women, are removed.

Case study A leading socio-political magazine/ news channel has published/ broadcast, in September 2005, a survey to show how girls in India are increasingly loosening up on sex. The survey indicated that more and more girls now consider casual sex and dating to be acceptable. The channel praised the changes as progressive.

- Non-marital, casual male-female relationships are glorified, promoted, and expected of all ‘normal’ people. Sex without marriage becomes a basic right for an adult man and woman. While the rights of non male-female couples to have relationships is highly regulated and forced out of the mainstream. It becomes a pointless exercise for the society to give enormous


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social power to male-female sex and to invest so much of social efforts to pressurize men and women to have sex, if such relationships are not going to give anything in return. There is no excuse for the society to suppress other non-reproductive forms of sexual bonds if it is relentlessly promoting non-reproductive heterosexual bonds. Thus heterosexualisation only serves to unreasonably empower one group of people over the others.

Case study A leading Delhi newspaper expressed outrage at an incident where residents of a middle class colony made comments about a youth living alone in a rented house. He used to bring in new girls to his house now and then for the night.

Heterosexuality (see glossary) is unreasonably and artificially propagated as masculine/ macho/ majority trait, so that eventually it becomes synonymous with ‘straight’ (meaning masculine). - All other forms of love relationships are wiped out from the mainstream: Especially male-male relationships are homosexualised. (We will discuss this issue in another chapter.) The process of marginalisation of other forms of sexual relationships/ needs includes not acknowledging their presence in the mainstream. This creates an impression that ‘normal’ people don’t need such relationships. All issues, joys and problems concerning these bonds remain unacknowledged and thus unaddressed.

Case study An oft-repeated statement by sex education trainers in India is that “it is normal for adolescents to develop sexual attraction for the opposite sex”. The immediate message that reaches the young is that it is not normal to have sexual attraction for the same sex.

- Heterosexual relationships supercede all other human bonds: The male-female sexual relationship becomes the most important


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relationship around which the entire heterosexual society revolves. All other relationships including that of parents, siblings, friendships, etc. take a back seat. The right of the male-female couple is the ultimate, superceding that of even those with one’s parents. The family has space only for husband-wife and children until they grow up. Joint families become a thing of the past.

Case study In heterosexual societies the woman has the sole right over her children. Only she decides how to bring them up. The love and wisdom of the elderly are seen as problematic. In such circumstances the elderly become redundant and also lose respect. A European wife of an Indian man was apprehensive about her mother-in-law showing ‘excessive’ interest in ‘her’ baby, when she visited India. Discussing on an Indian website, she saw this as an infringement on her space.

Case study The Indian legal system has based itself entirely on British values and trashed Indian values and concepts. In traditional India, parents had greater right on their son than the wife. But law has given all legal rights over the man only to his wife. For instance, the son is under no legal obligation to look after his old parents. But he has a legal obligation to financially support his wife, even if she is earning.

Consequently, in a heterosexual society, male-female sexual desire becomes the supreme human quality. Ironically, this has nothing to do with its reproductive worth. And the right of men and women to form sexual relationships, even without marriage or procreation, is accepted as the ultimate. 3. The oppression of men is intensified - Men are broken from men: They lose the ability to relate with, bond with or unite with other men. We have read about it earlier.


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Case study In the heterosexualised West, men who are working on masculinity issues feel extremely isolated. It is almost impossible to unite men to work for their own liberation. In the West you can unite men to work for women, but not for men. Tom Sheperd (name changed) is over 60-years-old and has spent a significant part of his latter life working on men’s issues and rights. The society has treated him shabbily. His wife had exploited him, divorced him and walked away with the children and property. That is when he decided to organise men to protect their rights. He is doing a thankless job working all alone with his own money — since no agency would fund such work. There is hardly any support from other men. Men in the West don’t think about uniting until something terrible happens.

The situation is different in India, where men take readily to the idea of uniting to work for their rights and issues. This India is not yet a heterosexual society. - Men become increasingly disempowered and vulnerable: As society becomes anti-man, it takes away men’s outer power but increases his oppression. - Male-male sexual bonds and desire is homosexualised: It is denigrated and portrayed as sick, deviant, different, queer, feminine, minority and a homosexual trait. This issue is discussed in a later chapter on page 130. - Women become the oppressors: Women’s invisible power to exploit men are increased several fold. We will read about this ‘invisible’ power in a later section.

Case study Neelam, a pretty girl, born and brought up in Mumbai, now working and living alone in a town in east India, expected every desirable man in her office to sleep with her. In addition, she expected them to do favours for her every now and then.


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When a newcomer ignored her advances for several days, she became disgusted and criticised the man in front of others, accusing him of not being a ‘man’ and of being a ‘homosexual’. It affected the position of the man amongst his peers, but there was little he could do about it. Dealing with a man in such cirucumstances is much easier.

The harmful effects of heterosexualisation

“Why are you holding hands with the other guys? Don’t you have girlfriends?” – a confused American in Shimla interviewing youths in an episode of ‘the lonely planet’ Heterosexualisation is an unnatural (anti-nature) process that makes a number of natural human traits redundant, and also creates a lot of human waste in its wake (people who fail to fit in become redundant, as a heterosexual society has no use for them). Thus it generates misery and pain. It is an oppressive process – both for men and women – and only works to unduly benefit a few. Apart from the above, heterosexualisation is directly or indirectly responsible for two extremely serious problems afflicting human kind: population explosion and environmental degradation. The seeds of heterosexualisation were sown with the enforcement of the marriage institution thousands of years earlier. Nature has created its own mechanism to keep the human population under sustainable levels. The social mechanism of oppression has completely overthrown this precarious natural balance. As the human population increases beyond what nature can sustain, the quality of human life goes down. So does the quality of human life. All available methods to rid male-female sex of procreation are fraught with serious side-effects. Condoms are non-biodegradable and devastating for the environment. Hormonal methods have serious side-effects. Surgically tampering with the male or female reproductive system is invasive, painful and not completely safe or


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harmless. And abortion is nothing short of murder. It is astounding that society still has the social mechanism of oppression in place. Why would you want to force men to mate with women when you can’t deal with so many children? Heterosexualisation has removed men from their true nature and made them addicted to easy power. Removed from their inner nature, men have lost respect for nature. It has made men shortsighted vis-à-vis his environment. A heterosexual society is basically a myopic, materialistic society. Amongst the other ill-effects of basing the entire society on male-female sexual intimacy are: i)

The breaking up of joint families into nuclear families which include only the man-woman couple and children when they are young.

ii)

A sharp increase in divorce cases, as raising of children is no more the primary objective of marriage. The primary objective becomes the romance between the couples, a concept which is unstable and often an illusion.

iii) Families do not take on the responsibility of the old. A family which is based solely on the relationship between husband and wife has no space for other kith and kin, even if it is their own parents or siblings. iv) As the institution of marriage weakens and joint families disintegrate, more and more women with careers end up raising children alone as single mothers. v)

As the population levels become a problem, and raising children become difficult without a stable marriage institution, more and more families have only one child. The child loses the natural joys of growing up with siblings.

vi) Heterosexualisation is an anti-male process. It increases their pressures to the extremity and takes away their breathing spaces. It also takes away most (but the superficial) of the privileges that were given to them in lieu of their freedom. In the end man becomes a second class and powerless human gender.


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Conclusion Freedom to express and fulfill one’s sexual needs with dignity and without undue social regulations in itself is a healthy thing and should be promoted. But a biased and partial freedom — as represented by heterosexualisation — where the already privileged form of human sexuality is unduly given more freedom, and exploitative powers and which involves massive restructuring of the society to make ‘heterosexuality’ viable, driving the already persecuted bonds into the margins is not justifiable. Especially when the society is not gaining anything in return. It is like giving reservation to the rich and denying jobs to the poor. There is a direct relationship between giving social freedom selectively to male-female sex and the further marginalization/ oppression of already suppressed forms of human bonds, especially male-male bonds. As can be seen by the examples of the west, such a biased freedom for the privileged does not later translate into freedom for the oppressed. Instead it empowers tremendously the vested interest groups who make it impossible for the society to truly liberalise.

The myth of sex power “Sex is not a power, it’s a need” One of the biggest ironies of social manhood is that while it is made out that men’s sexual drive is their power, it actually subjugates them: outwardly to women, but actually to social norms. Men are granted so much social power for proving/pretending they can satisfy women that the sex act with women in itself has come to symbolise power. So much so that the word for masculinity in Hindi, mardanigi, has become a synonym for sex power. If you talk about mardanigi, people think you are talking about the ‘power’ (sic) to satisfy women or even about the length of the penis.


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The media and popular culture further complicate matters by giving false images of male sexual ‘prowess’. Since men cannot reach those absurd standards, they end up developing complexes that affect their personality and sexual relationships. Then there are those who end up bragging about their (imaginary) sexual powers, thus gaining a point over others. But in the process, others feel miserable and incomplete. Of course there are those who may not have much by way of natural masculinity – and in a level playing field would be deemed ‘lesser men’ – but who tend to garner immense social masculinity because they can ‘satisfy’ women. One corollary of the false propaganda that it takes a ‘real’ man to have sex with a woman is that, young men who have not had sex with a woman, are easily subjugated by men who claim they have had such sex. They falsely make it into an extremely difficult thing, requiring special skills or guts, as if it is equal to climbing Mt Everest. One would wonder why a natural phenomenon should require any effort at all.

Case study Ramesh is a timid boy studying in Class 10. There is a bully Sonu in his class who claims to have had sex with girls. Sonu keeps teasing Ramesh for no reason than that he is timid. One day, in the presence of the others, he tells Ramesh that Ramesh will never be able to satisfy women, because to satisfy her he has to put her on ‘heat’. Ramesh thinks that Sonu knows everything about sex, and believes what he says. He actually does not have a clue as to how to put a woman on ‘heat’. He develops an inferiority complex. It affects his personality and self-confidence.


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Satisfying women: an elusive goal

“in India people think that mardanigi (masculinity) refers to the size of the penis” Male-female sex, according to nature, is geared more towards procreation than towards providing sexual satisfaction to the female. By burdening the man with the responsibility of satisfying women as a prerequisite for granting social masculinity, society has given men an elusive goal that will keep him forever subjugated. This makes men live perenially under deep seated insecurity and inferiority complex regarding their manhood – even though they conceal it under masks of power and aggression. It adds considerable stress to their lives. One direct fallout of this is that men develop – or think they develop – a number of sex problems. Half of these are not problems, but since they are seen as coming in the way of satisfying women, they are deemed problems (e.g. a smaller size of penis or premature ejaculation). Other problems, often falsely described as physical/medical problems, are created by the pressures of ‘sex power’. There is usually nothing wrong with the sexual mechanism of the man, the problem created by his unfounded fears and stress (e.g. erectile dysfucntion due to performance anxiety).

Case study Young men in traditional India are told that if a man fails to get it up in the first night (of marriage), he would lose the ‘battle’ and will become a Joru ka gulaam, i.e. he will be ruled by his wife for the rest of his life.

Case study Another common saying is that if the man is unable to satisfy his wife, she will then go to other men for sex. This is a great disgrace for any man, as it is supposed to expose his lack of mardanigi.


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Numerous advertisements circulated by quacks (several paramedics and those having degrees in Ayurveda, etc. also are into this business, apart from those who are not even educated) and numerous pornographic and other sex magazines in India scare men with stupid ideas, that having sex with women is a big deal. It also adds shine to the fake power already wielded by men who have “proved their masculinity” by having sex with women.

Case study A Hindi magazine Saras Kathayein (a cheap sex magazine, masquerading as a serious magazine on sex), in its March 2004 issue quotes a woman in one of its stories (purported to be a real account): “Mother f***, you thought you were a man … you burst balloon, you cannot bear the heat of a woman’s body … you want to play with fire … where is your masculinity … come on, show your manhood!” The man in this story has tried sexual intercourse with her twice and yet has not satisfied her (it turns out that she is a lesbian). In response to the woman, he only mutters, “Sorry!”

One of the frequent queries that sexual health counsellors in India get is, “Ladki ko kaise garm kiya jaye?” (how to “heat up” a woman) meaning how to arouse her sexually. If a man can’t do it, it means he lacks masculinity. Indian men are obsessed with this issue. Things like whether the girl likes the boy or not, is ready for sex or not, are considered immaterial. The man’s manhood has to take the responsibility for her failure to respond sexually. This is a good example of how successful society has been in fooling the man. Not surprisingly, men worry a lot about their sex power. They go to great lengths to increase sex power and cure themselves of innumerable real and imaginary sex problems that keep them from satisfying women. Traditionally, medicines made out of the bones or other body parts of animals –bones of tiger, rhinoceros’ horn, oil supposed to be extracted from sanda, an Indian reptile – are said to increase male ‘sex’ power. Men are so desperate to get these things


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that the demand has led many of these animals close to extinction. However, these so-called medicines do not have any real curative value. Quacks fleece young men by giving them useless medicines for sex problems. Some of these medicines can even prove harmful. Animals like rhinocerous have been driven near extinction because they are poached for their horn which is said to increase men’s ‘sex power’.

Case study Sudeep comes from a lower middle class family. He is so stressed because of his nocturnal emissions (nightfall) that he has spent Rs.20,000 for medicines that he has bought from a quack to cure him. The problem persists.

Case study Rajiv is 27-years-old. When he was 17, misguided by propaganda, he took homeopathy medicines from a quack to ‘treat’ his nocturnal emissions. It has cured his ‘nightfall’ but he has not produced any semen since he has taken that course, and no treatment seems to help him now.

A more disturbing trend seen lately is that several doctors with recognised degrees have started offering treatment for these socalled diseases. This, when modern science does not see them as


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medical problems but as psycho-sexual problems. These qualified doctors, regardless, charge heavy fees for tests and treatment.

Case study Twenty-four-year-old Tejinder from Sonepat was heavily stressed because his family was getting him married and his sexual need was only for men. However, he was not concerned about himself but about satisfying his wife. He read an advertisement in Punjab Kesri, by a qualified doctor who had an infertility clinic in Amritsar. The doctor promised to cure homosexuality apart from nightfall and premature ejaculation. The doctor conducted several tests on Tejinder that cost him Rs. 5,000. He was diagnosed as having low levels of testosterone, – which was given as the cause for his so-called homosexuality. The doctor offered to cure him for Rs.50,000. A second opinion from AIIMS, New Delhi showed that he had completely normal levels of testosterone.

The reality about sex power

“Social masculinity has made Sex a weakness for men” Satisfying women was cleverly made a criteria for giving social masculinity by society in order to force men to devote all their sexual energy towards servicing women – with procreation and raising of children in mind. However, this denotes men’s enslavement, not their power. Sex is just a natural need, like hunger and thirst. It is a pleasurable sensation and an activity which binds two people. It should only be felt. It should be experienced and enjoyed only as, when and as much as it happens naturally. Tying sex with power has made sexual feelings and sex a burden for most men. It is not something they can sit back and experience. Their worth now depends on how well they can satisfy and please women. As if they are women’s slaves. Men worry endlessly whether they will be able to fulfil this requirement, to gain the honour of


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being called ‘real men’. As if to prove their foolishness, men compete with each other, flaunting their sexual behaviour as a power assertion. It is absurd that masculinity and the worth of a man depend on whether or not he can empty himself into a vagina. This so-called power comes cheap and undeserved. You do not need to possess any special masculine qualities to achieve this. It is no big feat, and a cheap way of evaluating a man’s worth. It does not take anything to have penetrative sex with a woman, if desire is present. This desire has nothing to do with masculinity. Sex is a natural phenomenon. If you do it according to your inner needs, you don’t need any skills. It happens by itself. Sex should have been one of the easiest things on earth to do and to enjoy. It has been rendered neither, thanks to social masculinity. Far from being a power, sexual need in reality has been made into the biggest weakening factor for men. Women, especially sexually aggressive women, are aware of this area of man’s (social) vulnerability and the real power it gives to women. They are not averse to use it against men, to control them. They demand sexual gratification from unwilling men, making them feel guilty if they don’t comply. They humiliate men in order to control them by referring to their inability to ‘satisfy’ them. Women have been given the power to make or disqualify a man. Social masculinity actually takes away men’s sex power. Power and slavery do not go together. The ‘power’ is a sham. The ‘slavery’ is real.

The invisible power of women “One tactic of oppression is the implicit denial of oppression by making its infrastructure as invisible as possible. “ – Kendall Clark When men and women were forced into our present form of human civilisation based on the institution of marriage, they both made several sacrifices and gained something in return. Although women


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lost ‘outer power’, they were invested with an ‘invisible’ power over men. Invisible because, like the oppression of men, it can’t be easily seen. In fact women enjoy this ‘invisible’ power as if it is a natural phenomenon, oblivious to the fact that it is a result of social manipulation. With this invisible power, man is sexually bound exclusively to women. With this power women get a handle on men by being the source of their social manhood. Men know they are extremely vulnerable in the presence of women (unless they wear masks), but they fail to see the invisible power that makes this possible. The notion of satisfaction of women being a measure of a man’s social manhood places immense power in the hands of women. Men depend helplessly on women to be called a man, for their position in the race for manhood, dignity and honour – in fact for their very survival in the society. This gives unfair social advantage to women to exploit men and dictate and control their lifestyle. Wherever there is unreasonable power, it will lead to its abuse. What makes this power several times more potent is that it is invisible. It is not acknowledged by society and facts are so neatly hidden by society that men and women think that it is the natural way of things. Men accept it as their fate ordained by nature and suffer in silence. Yet the fact is that women know as little about manhood as men know about being a woman. They can’t tell a ‘real’ man from a ‘lesser’ man — they have no natural instinct to distinguish. So they largely depend on social norms and social images to grant social manhood. But we know that these images can be false. Women also use a lot of arbitrariness that suit their own interests when using this power. In short, it’s utter foolishness to have women as the source of men’s manhood. It is a sign of man’s enslavement and oppression.


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The effect of heterosexualisation on women’s ‘invisible’ powers Heterosexualisation makes this invisible power a thousand times more potent, thus increasing the vulnerability of men several fold. In traditional societies, the customs and values ensured that this invisible power was not misused by women, mainly by putting a number of restrictions on female sexuality vis-à-vis men. The heterosexualisation process removes all such barriers. The heterosexualisation process also seeks to remove the ‘outer’ oppression of women and to restore their ‘outer’ power, which is commendable. However, it ignores, and actually increases manifold the ‘invisible’ oppression of men. It disrupts the precarious power balance between men and women created by our ancestors at the time of inventing the marriage institution. The new order is antiman, as it leaves him no leeway.




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3. Understanding Natural Masculinity “To me the definition of true masculinity - and femininity, too - is being able to lay in your own skin comfortably” – Vincent D’Onofrio

What is masculine behaviour and what is feminine behaviour? “So what is masculinity, anyway – a hairy chest and the ability to change the oil in your car yourself?” – John Ballew

C

an we become more masculine than we are by smoking cigarettes? Or chasing girls? Or sporting a moustache? Will dancing make us feminine? Will donning an earring make us feminine? Or cooking food? The answer is simple. Masculinity and femininity are inside us. Activities and objects are not in themselves masculine or feminine. It is the person doing that act that makes it masculine or feminine. When a masculine man dances, he makes the dance appear masculine. A feminine man can smoke all the cigarettes that he wants, or run after girls, his femininity will always show. Cigarettes, girls, etc. are artificially ascribed as ‘masculine’ by our society, and doing these things only give us the illusion of being masculine. In a society which does not recognise our biological masculinity, but insists on proofs of social manhood, doing these things are the easiest way of proving that we are indeed men. A boy, when he smokes, is actually telling the world that he is masculine and should


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be treated as such. Smoking is just a symbol approved by the society as masculine. We desperately want society to accept us as ‘men’, and do these acts to show the ‘proofs’ demanded by the society. We also do these acts because this is our way of relating with other men, because we believe they all want to do the same thing. This ‘relating’ makes us feel masculine. This has to do with the ‘herding’ or bonding instincts of men. In a society where men are broken from other men, this may be the only way to relate with each other. However, this is not a ‘real’ way of relating with other men, only symbolic. Our society is taking away more and more opportunities from boys to really relate with other boys, leaving them no option but to resort to these symbolic activities. A man who is confident of his masculinity, however, does not depend on these social symbols to appear masculine. He knows that anything that he does will have his stamp of masculinity. He will use lipstick and still appear masculine. He will even carry off a little femininity with masculine pride. Now let us examine the most essential requirements set by society for granting manhood and see if these are really masculine acts: we are talking about sex ‘power’. Men exaggerate sexual interest in women several fold while suppressing their sexual need for men in order to establish their sex power. Sexual interest in women is considered a masculine quality, while a sexual interest in men – more so a romantic interest – is propagated as unmanly.

Sexual interest in women “……You become that whom you love” ~ anonymous Let’s examine the assertion that sex with a woman makes a man masculine, that it is proof or essence of his real masculinity. The power and masculinity that those boys show, who have had sex with a girl or who claim to have had sex with a girl, is inescapable. You can’t help being overawed by them. You automatically start revering them and they become your ideal. The impression that


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you get is that one is not a man unless one has had sex with a woman. No wonder such boys act superior and others follow them wherever they go and whatever they do. What is it that makes men look masculine when they date women? If you have eve-teased with other guys, you would remember the feeling of power that had suddenly enveloped you – an overwhelming feeling of masculinity – of being a man. You would have felt the same power pursuing a girl in your colony or flirting with her on the bus. When others tease you associating you with a girl, that ‘masculinising’ feeling revisits you. Dating a girl, if you’re living in a Westernised environment, would take you to the ultimate heights of feeling masculine. How can all this not be natural? If you have tasted this power, how could you not ask for more? It is obvious that having sexual feelings for a woman is what being a Mard (masculine man) is all about. Therefore, you cannot have enough of it. In a world where a display of sexual desire for women (a substitute for actual sex with women) has become the display of ultimate power in the race for social manhood, that defines each man’s status and position among peers, boys are under immense pressure to exaggerate such feelings beyond what occurs naturally to them. In this process, they develop a deep inferiority complex, and protect their secret fiercely, causing them a lot of mental stress. Because in this power play, a lack of sexual desire for women is seen as an abnormality, disease, and a lack of masculinity. The pressure is so intense in India that the very meaning of the word masculinity (mardanigi in Hindi) has become “the power to satisfy women”. Yet this unbelievably intoxicating power is not real. Neither is this feeling of masculinity natural. The power does not directly emanate from the sexual desire for or the sex act with women. This feeling of masculine power partly comes from participating in an activity that all men are supposed to be doing. But most of it is part of a social mechanism, an intricate social reward and punishment system designed to control male sexual behaviour. This mechanism developed thousands of years ago, to ensure


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maximum male participation in the reproduction process, at a time when new civilisations needed more children. The western concept of heterosexuality is also negligible in mammals, in all its aspects — whether its male-female bonding; or casual male-female sex; or a sexual repulsion between males. For in spite of the popular notion that sex with females and reproduction are the distinguishing biological functions of a male, in reality only 5% - 15% of mammalian males in the wild mate with the females regularly (which means in every mating season). Of the rest, many mate only a few times in their life and a big proportion of males don’t mate at all — and this includes many dominant males. In the early tribal societies at the dawn of human civilisation, few men participated in the mating process regularly, many preferring not to partake at all. Men were also not involved in the raising of children — although they took care of male adolescents. Men spent their entire lives in male-only groups. When humans started settling down in civilisations in uninhabited lands, they felt the need to grow in number at a faster rate. Then societies started to pressurise men to mate with women. Today, we don’t need to increase our population, as it has become a threat to our survival. But this social mechanism is so deeply entrenched that it has become an end in itself. It is also reflected in our religious traditions. In Hinduism, every man is required to get married and produce a son. Others like Islam and Christianity strongly disapprove of population control measures and nonreproductive sex. The fact that the society exerts such extreme pressures on men — including extreme punishments and rewards — for having sex with women, points amply to the fact that sex with women is not such a strong driving force for a big section of the masculine male population. The society makes unimaginably huge social investments in building, maintaining and enforcing the anti-male mechanisms. A small group of people, including a class of males, do benefit


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hugely from these mechanisms. They are the most vocal in enforcing this system. These males get ‘easy’ power and manhood status on a platter — even if they lack natural masculinity — just on account of having sex with women. There is nothing intricately masculine in having sex with a woman, or even satisfying her. Most masculine men are a complete failure when it comes to satisfying women. Most masculine gendered men do not have a clue as to how to satisfy women, and myths and misconceptions abound. Most feminine gendered males are better capable of having sex with or satisfying women. This includes non-castrated hijras. In the West, they are called transgendered males. According to estimates, about 90 per cent of them are ‘heterosexual’. They are better at satisfying women than masculine men because they have a better understanding of women. Satisfaction is a matter of emotional understanding and intimacy and not about the size of the penis or the duration for which one can withhold one’s ejaculation. Castrated males (eunuchs), transsexual males who have had a sex change operation and naturally born women are no less capable of having sex with and satisfying other women. They do the best job, for there is complete understanding. Social myths presume that women need to be penetrated for them to feel satisfied (to have an orgasm). However, that is not true. Women’s orgasm comes from a direct manipulation of their clitoris with fingers, objects or mouth. It is not possible to achieve this with one’s penis. At the same time, not all masculine men show a sexual interest in women. That includes many alpha males (remember our own Hanuman!). A significant proportion of men have an occasional interest in women. The kind of exaggerated sexual interest for women demanded by our society from men is impractical. Again, for a masculine man, a close intimate bond with a woman may be a difficult thing to achieve because of gender differences. Therefore, satisfying women may actually be elusive for him.


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How can something which feminine gendered males and women can do better than ‘men’, be a masculine thing? A masculine man is not dependent on such desires or sexual acts to be a real man. A naturally masculine man will remain masculine even if he has no sexual desire for women. Today, the social mechanism to encourage/force men to participate in the reproduction process has taken the form of a ‘heterosexual’ society in the West, where all men and women are expected to date each other from an early age, even in school. It puts extreme pressure on boys compared to traditional societies like India, where the pressure was limited to displaying a sexual interest or having sexual intercourse but not an emotional interest. Dating is more taxing for many men. Even though it is propagated today as a masculine thing, not all masculine men want to or are capable of bonding with women (and vice versa). All macho and warrior traditions in the past, including our own akharas, required their men to keep away from women (apart from as mothers or sisters) in order to preserve their masculinity. Many followers of Lord Hanuman to this date do not marry. This does not mean that they hate or mistreat women. These men do not see women as ‘sex objects’, but they have immense respect for women. Because the society had created extreme pressures on men to have sex with women, masculine men had created several women less spaces for themselves. Avoiding the company of unrelated women was important because of the pressures and not because of a disrespect for women. Sportsmen too, until recently, were required to avoid the company of women. Most marriages in traditional societies like India, till recently, did not involve ‘bonding’ of man and woman. In many cases their relationship was limited to sex, raising of children and family matters. Women formed emotionally supportive relationships with other women, while men bonded with other men. In fact in traditional societies, while there were pressures to have sex with women, bonding with women was considered a


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feminising factor for men. This, as we shall see is an immensely positive femininity. Women who naturally seek to bond with men — on their part — too do not prefer men who are too masculine. They like femininity in men, and want their men to be soft, and sensitive, and not too dominant. Men who are more feminine are most likely to be stable and caring parents in order to raise children — the primary concern of the female species. This has been proved in several studies in humans. This fact has also been observed in animals.

Conclusion In spite of all its pretensions to masculinity, there is a very close relationship between heterosexuality and femininity/ transgenderism in males, which is indeed valuable. This relationship has also been seen in animals, especially mammals, e.g. sheep, sea lions and red foxes. While most sheep live in male-only or femaleonly groups, a few male sheep live in the female pack as ‘females’ and bond with them. A few Sea lions who —— although they want to mate with females — choose not to get into periodic combat with other males for this. They rather bond with females as permanent couples. Similarly, in red foxes although the female may mate with the strongest male, if she wants a male partner to raise her young, she chooses the more feminine male. Amongst humans, many ‘true’ heterosexuals (not those who take on the identity only as a power symbol) secretly desire to dress, live or act like women. The extreme of this is known in the West as ‘transsexualism’. In fact the only good thing about Heterosexualisation is that it promotes what is known as ‘meterosexuality’ in men — something which was stigmatized in traditional societies. Our objective here is not to denigrate male sexual desire for females or to discourage men from indulging in it. The objective is to reduce the artificial pressure on men and disperse the associated brouhaha and myths. So that men can be their natural selves, can


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act and feel as per their natural needs without unfair pressures that drive men to do things harmful to both men and women. In this age of human rights and open and fair societies, it is unfair that men should continue to live under oppressive myths and misconceptions. There is no justification any more to stop discussions on these issues with our youth. Sexual bonds with women are not useless for masculine men. Apart from their importance in the reproduction process and the raising of young, such bonds give men the much-needed balance in their lives by putting them in touch with their femininity. But there is a proper time and place for such relationships in a man’s life. Early youth is not that time. This is the time when boys need to develop their masculinity.

Sexual interest in men “If they (macho youth of military/police/mafia) would go make out with each other (and I use that word in its most positive and appreciative sense) the world would be vastly improved. They make it with women only to brag about it, but are actually far happier in the barracks than in boudoirs. We may be destroying ourselves through the repression of male-male bonds.” ~ Alan Watts, Buddhist scholar and author. In the ancient world, love and sexual intimacy between men was not supposed to be limited to a ‘sexual minority’, as is made out today. Most men developed such bonds, which were institutionalised and blessed by society. Today we live in an entirely different world – one that is the result of a few thousands of years of oppression of such bonds. Most evidences of these universal love bonds between masculine men in the ancient world have been destroyed through the ages – but many have survived – from ancient Greece to even more ancient tribes that are still living in New Papa Guinea and the Andaman and Nicobar islands, from the ancient Celt and Germanic warriors of Europe to the medieval Samurai warriors of Japan. To take an example, in ancient Greece, during their youth, men ‘married’


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other young men, marrying women only when after they reached 30 years of age. All these societies were warrior cultures, and the masculinity of the warriors flowed from their bonds with their male lovers. Lover pairs fought their enemies and defended each other till death, took care of their lover when he fell sick, stood by each other in the thick and thin of life. It created several legends, such as that of Gilgamesh and Enkidu, the two most powerful men in ancient Sumeria, who were first staunch enemies and then became inseparable lovers; Alexander the Great and Hephaistion were one of the greatest conquerors the world has known and also one of the most Alexander the great (356–323 BC) committed lovers. Hadrian is said to have fought with and killed a lion with his bare hands to save Antonius. In these cultures, love between two men was considered the most masculine and purest form of love. There is evidence that in ancient tribal societies, men who had the highest honours were especially sought after as lovers by other men, and honour was especially sought for this. Even in later societies, like ancient Greece, young men would participate in deadly wrestling bouts in order to win honour and male lovers. Deep and committed sexual bonds between male pairs have also been widely reported amongst wild life by researchers, lately, after suppressing such evidences for centuries. From dolphins to elephants, from lions to crabs, from sea creatures to apes. There are several evidences now that it is a universal sexual drive amongst mammals. Indeed most mammalian males prefer to live and bond with other males. This includes one of our closest cousins in the


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wild, with whom we share most of our genes: the chimpanzees. Bands of fearsome male chimpanzees stick together in everything they do, throughout life. Their bonds are extremely strong because they are also sexual. They hunt together, fight enemy groups together, defend each other from enemies and even help their partners in procreating by helping them to mate with females. It makes life much easier and worthwhile. Such bonds apparently provide an evolutionary edge and many scientists are now challenging Darwinism. Scientists now state that human beings are capable of being sexually attracted towards both men and women. Ironically, while all traditional societies knew and acknowledged this fact, modern heterosexual societies suppress and misrepresent it, claiming that sexual desire for the same sex occurs only in a few.

Social vulnerability of men Men have always secretly known and understood the universal male need for intimacy with men, but have also known that the society strongly discourages open acknowledgement of such desire. They are also aware of a class of antagonistic males amongst them who, though a minority, are very loud. They derive extreme power from the prevalent sexual norms. They oppose/ isolate male-male desire as soon as they see a hint of it, for example, by calling the person a homosexual. Calling a masculine gendered man a homosexual is one of the severest ways of putting him to shame. It is inappropriate. It suggests that the person is no longer a member of the male pack and strips the man of social honour and masculinity. If not proved otherwise, it can isolate and bar him from his peers and he may not get the opportunity to cultivate and develop his natural masculinity. Since a discussion on this topic is stigmatized there is no way left for a masculine man, but to disown his same-sex feelings. This vulnerability has prevented the strongest human gender from asserting one of its most basic rights.


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Case study In workshops on masculinity conducted for boys and young men, when the issue of universality of male need to bond with another male comes up – and as boys feel comfortable discussing these issues – one of their concerns is that if they were to be open about their desire for another boy, their peers would promptly denigrate them as chakka or ‘homo’.

Bonds between men in traditional India In Indian society, men have traditionally enjoyed close bonds with each other. These bonds can easily become secretly erotic. Relationships between men have prospered within this male solidarity, albeit secretly. As long as men married and produced a son and fulfilled other social duties, society looked the other way. What would surprise many is that before the British arrived in India, the Indian society had many socially approved spaces in the mainstream male society, where male-male intimacy flourished openly. Most such spaces and customs were destroyed by the long British rule, but some survived till a century ago. In the traditional society, male social intimacy was not seen as a threat. It was the male-female intimacy that was not tolerated by the society — unless it was in marriage and in private. We have seen how the heterosexualisation of Indian society is changing this traditional masculinity pattern. Heterosexualisation also includes the homosexualisation of male-male love. It is one of the most basic forms of male oppression.

Homosexualising male-male love After destroying the male-only spaces, the forces of heterosexualisation uproot and destroy every trace of male-male bonds from the mainstream. They forcibly drag these relationships out of the social purdah in the security of which they survived for centuries. Masculine gendered men promptly react by disowning their sexual need for men — as a means of survival. Any remaining


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instances of masculine male bonds are imposed with ‘social femininity’, labeled and promptly thrown together with feminine gendered males into a new social category — ‘homosexual’. The misleading western concept of ‘sexual orientation’ comes extremely handy in this. As same sex bonds become strongly associated with the ‘homosexual’ group, mainstream men adopt the misleading ‘heterosexual’ identity. Men in India have so far resisted the homosexualisation of malemale intimacy because heterosexualisation of Indian society has not fully taken place and traditional male-only spaces are still strong. Indian men don’t think that having sex with another man will make them homosexual. But the countdown has begun and parts of Indian culture, including the media (especially TV which has a strong influence on young people) and parts of Westernised urban India are almost completely heterosexualised. Indian men are increasingly being cornered.

Case study The HIV/AIDS intervention programme being implemented in India, which is heavily funded by foreign donors, is being used by certain vested interest groups to divide the Indian male society along the lines of sexual orientation, and create a homosexual identity. Although it has not worked and the only takers for the homosexual identity have been the English speaking feminine gendered males, the entire social machinery – including the media and the government – has put its weight behind this endeavour. After the failure of the homosexual identity amongst Indian men, some ‘gay’ activists introduced a clever term ‘MSM’, i.e. ‘men who have sex with men’ which, being a technical term, was difficult to avoid. However, this has become another third sex identity, and is used only by/ for feminine males. Ironically, the indigenous feminine gendered males (e.g. the Hijras) too reject this identity, since they do not consider themselves ‘men’.


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Portraying man’s desire for men as ‘feminine’ and ‘different’ The more a society artificially keeps male-male sexuality out of the realm of social masculinity, the more men will ‘willingly’ avoid and disown it. Therefore painting such bonds as ‘unmanly’ and ‘feminine’ is a prime stratregy of a heterosexual society. As part of the homosexualisation process, sexual desire for men is increasingly being propagated in India as a feminine, ‘gay’ thing, represented by feminine hairdressers and fashion designers. The only depiction of male-male sexual desire is through negative symbols including ugly, funny, weird and queer (feminine) characters.

Case study A programme on Star TV announces that it is going to present the inside life of a ‘gay’. The ‘gay’ person happens to be a third sex male, who comes on stage wearing a ladies suit and refers to himself as ‘she’. ‘She’ explains how she always felt that she was a woman from inside.

Case study In the movie What Women Want shown on Star Movies, the heroine tells the hero in a scene: “You think like a woman, you know instantly what a woman wants. You must be gay!”

The root of the myth that male sexual desire for men is feminine is a related myth that such an interest makes a person desirous of being penetrated. Being penetrated is seen as a ‘female’ thing. By making a motivated connection, it becomes easy to propagate malemale sexual desire as feminine. Interestingly, masculine male desire for another male seldom involves anal penetration – whether active or passive – even though some men may experiment with it occasionally. Nevertheless, the truth is that receptive anal sex is not inherently feminine. It is gender neutral. In fact, in several ancient tribal societies it was considered a masculinising factor.


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Another related strategy to keep male-male bonds out of the mainstream is to propagate them as ‘different’, ‘minority’, ‘deviant’ or at best ‘alternative’. This gives the heterosexual society, which otherwise claims to be open and fair, an excuse to marginalise these bonds. Science is increasingly being abused and manipulated to generate this illusion.

Case study In a research study splashed across the world, a scientist claimed that ‘homosexuality’ (sic) is ‘caused’ by a rare gene inherited from mothers. The theory has since been disproved by another study, but few newspapers cared to report the disproof.

Case study In another widely reported research, a transsexual scientist has claimed that ‘homosexual’ men have brains similar to those of women.

While such researches have obvious irregularities and gaps, the media nevertheless highlights them for their masala value, and the fact that they strengthen the ‘heterosexualisation/ homosexualisation’ process. One drawback of these motivated researches is that while they use feminine gendered males as their sample, their results are portrayed to include all male sexual desire for men —— since the western definition of ‘homosexuality’ does not distinguish between feminine and masculine gendered men. But the basic drawback is that they conveniently assume that the modern socio-political ‘gay’ identity constitute a distinct biological group, which is an absurd and unscientific assumption. Men of different genders came together on a common platform ‘homosexual’ in the west only because of their oppression under heterosexualisation and not because of any biological affinity. Thus science too becomes a tool of man’s oppression. Overall, the scientific community has tried to study sexuality in a very haphazard and abstract way. Thus they are bound to arrive at wrong (often motivated) conclusions. Like the proverbial


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four blind men who tried to find out what an elephant is. They touched one small part of the elephant and described the whole elephant accordingly as being like a rope, a pillar, a snake or a fan. There have been few sincere and honest attempts at studying human gender sexuality in its entirety.

Difference between ‘homosexuality’ and ‘masculine male bonds’ Terms like ‘sexual orientation’, ‘heterosexual’ and ‘homosexual’ distort and misrepresent the truth about male gender and sexuality. The basic assumptions behind these terms are wrong. Sexual orientation is not a valid concept. When these western/ heterosexual terms are forced upon a traditional society like India, the meaning and connotation of these change. E.g. the sexual identity ‘homosexual’ becomes a gender identity. Since a ‘homosexual’ identity of sorts has already been created in India, it becomes important to be able to distinguish between sexual bonds between mainstream men and what is termed as ‘homosexuality’. This requires re-defining the word ‘homosexual’ and ‘homosexuality’ — and bringing them closer to reality. The table below enlists the main differences between what has come to be known as ‘homosexuality’ and what in this book, we are calling ‘masculine male bonds’:


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Difference

Homosexuality

Masculine malej (sexual) bonds

1. Gender

Feminine gendered: Homosexuality refers to the sexual desire of a feminine gendered male for another male.

Masculine gendered: The sexual desire of a masculine gendered male for another male does not need a separate terminology.

2. Social identity

A Homosexual thus is a feminine gendered male who desires other males.

No separate identity or description is required to describe a masculine gendered man who desires another man, as it is a near universal male quality.

3. Feeling different Most homosexuals describe feeling different from other boys, even before they discover their sexuality.

Masculine gendered men who are in touch with their samesex feelings do not feel ‘different’ from other men, and they do not like to be segregated into a separate social category.

This difference is primarily because of their feminine gender but is wrongly associated with a sexual desire for men. Homosexual men look for a separate identity from masculine men. 4. nature of sexual bonds with men

Tend to prefer multiple partners.

Tend to bond one to one.

5. Preference of partners

Tend to prefer feminine gendered males.

Tend to prefer masculine gendered males.

6. Attitudes of women

Women are largely supportive of ‘homosexuals’.

Masculine male bonds threaten the ‘invisible power’ of women. Many women are therefore antagonistic towards such bonds.


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Note: In a heterosexualised environment homosexuality also refers to the weakened, emasculated, powerless and purposeless masculine bonds which remain after they are persecuted in the mainstream.

Conclusion: male-male bonds are masculine In spite of the intense propaganda and oppression, there is nothing inherently feminine or deviant about male sexual desire for men. A masculine man’s sexual desire for another is nothing but masculine. Malemale intimate bonds (outside the ‘gay’ space) still have the capacity to take men to the height of positive masculinity. In fact, an important reason for banning male intimate bonds from the human civilisation is that it strengthens and cultivates the natural masculinity of men. Civilisations have long been struggling to discard male masculinity and they cannot cope with heightened masculinity which is celebrated so openly. Societies do not know how to manage this raw power. Unless it is channelised properly, it may get out of hand and threaten the ‘civilised’ society, particularly the marriage institution. The civilised society does not want to guide and cultivate masculinity. So it finds the easy way out by ‘banning’ it. A case study of how they tame animals will make this phenomenon easier to understand. Fortunately, there are examples in history and in the present societies that have successfully encouraged and channelised masculine bonds without jeopardising the marriage institution. The ancient Greeks are the best example.


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The masculinity checklist


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Activity

Whether most masculine me can do/have?

Whether most third gender or women can do/have?

Masculinity status

Size of penis

Masculine men have penises of all sizes, including very small penises.

Third gender males also have penises of all sizes, including very big penises.

Does not depend on masculinity

Sex with women

Yes

Yes. They have a better chance at satisfying women.

Not masculine on its own. Sexual bonds with women take men towards their natural femininity.

Sex with men

Yes

Yes

Not masculine on its own. Sexual bonds between two masculine men tend to increase their natural masculinity.

Smoking and drinking

Yes

Yes

Not masculine of its own. May reduce masculinity as it harms one’s health and sexual energy.

Watching sports

Masculine men may enjoy watching sports but not as much as playing.

Yes, though they may not enjoy playing as much as watching.

Not masculine on its own. Participating in outdoor sports increases masculinity.

Pink colour

Yes

Yes

Not feminine or masculine in itself.

Dancing

Yes, they may like to watch both masculine and feminine dance forms. But they tend to participate in masculine dance forms.

Yes, they tend to participate in feminine dance forms.

Not masculine or feminine on its own. The person dancing will make the same dance form appear masculine or feminine.

Expressing feelings

Yes. Most poets and philosophers have been masculine males. you can’t be either unless you are in touch with your feelings and can express them.

Yes, though not as good as expressing their emotions through poetry and philosophy.

Marital arts

Yes

No

Masculine

Then what is true masculinity? “Only that which comes out unaffected from fire is pure gold” – an old saying Real or natural masculinity is a feeling or sense of being male, as distinct from a sense or feeling of being female, irrespective of one’s outer sex. A person can be a male, yet naturally feel that he is predominantly a female. Femininity can be understood as a feeling or sense of being a female, irrespective of one’s outer sex. Of course some women feel predominantly masculine. All men have some feelings of femininity and all women have some feelings of masculinity. Masculinity is about feeling like a man, being full of masculine energy, wanting to bond with men, wanting to relate with other men, wanting to celebrate one’s maleness. It is also a feeling of appreciation of masculinity in others. Our true masculinity is represented by our deepest inner feelings, needs and desires and our inner strength. Unfortunately, we have suppressed them deep down within ourselves, under pressure from social masculinity roles. As a result, we have lost connection with our true masculinity. Now we cannot reach our natural masculinity, not unless we know how to. Whenever we interfere with nature – whether outside of us or within us – the outcome is always harmful. In return for this loss of natural masculinity, the society gives us social masculinity. Social masculinity is a masculinity which is not real or natural, and is dependent upon fulfilling social expectations even if they are unreasonable/unnatural. Since our real masculinity is gone, we are now dependent on social masculinity. Real masculinity does not need to be proved. Real masculinity is just there. Society may not sometimes acknowledge that masculinity in order to force a man to comply. But if a man is confident and firm, society will eventually acknowledge it. The essence or seed of natural masculinity is given by nature. But it needs to be cultivated and developed. The only way to do this is


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by celebrating masculinity. Otherwise it remains dormant. The only way to celebrate masculinity is by relating with and bonding with other men. When men unite, the inherent masculinity becomes active. When we bond and relate with other men, we benefit from the collective masculinity thus generated. It is a tremendous power. In spite of an extreme reward and punishment mechanism of society to control and oppress men, those who are true men have stood their ground and not bowed before unreasonable gender and sexual roles. They had to give up enormous powers that they could easily have taken. They have withstood extreme punishments as a result of disobedience. But such men always finally win back their honour and social power. It is said that, only that which comes out unaffected from fire is pure gold. This is what true masculinity is all about.

Who is the real namard? A namard is by definition an anti-man. He is a male biologically but is anti-man either by temperament or more likely by conditioning. He behaves in unmanly fashion, i.e. in ways that harms men, as individuals or as a group. Anybody who calls himself a man but behaves in a way that is detrimental to the larger interests of men, or is hostile or disrespectful of men, is a namard. A namard has no understanding or appreciation of other men. He lacks the capacity to bond with men at a deeper level or to empathise with them. A namard lacks the ability to relate with men, to understand their fears, pains and issues. He lacks the ability to appreciate masculinity in others. And he lacks the ability to celebrate his own masculinity. The biggest namard is the person who defends social masculinity roles because he derives social power out of it. He is truly a lesser man and he realises that he cannot compete with other men on a level playing field, i.e. on the basis of natural masculinity, because he lacks it. A namard is totally dependent on social masculinity for his manhood. You will find this person critical of other men on the basis of sexual


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masculinity roles. This person has no respect for himself, leave alone others. Ironically, you will find this true namard calling others namard. But the more common kind of namards are those who bend over backwards to fit into social masculinity roles —— in order to avoid its harsh punishments or to avail of its immense benefits. Those who suppress their own true needs and nature in order to please vain social mechanisms. They may not defend these roles but they don’t oppose it either. They lack the courage that real manhood requires — to fight social oppression and injustice. Unfortunately, this kind of namard includes most of us, because most of us readily give in to oppressive roles without questioning them.




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4. Men and Femininity “What is most beautiful in virile men is something feminine…..what is most beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.” – Susan Sontag

Femininity in males is about feeling like a woman, being endowed

with feminine energies, a true appreciation and understanding of femininity in others. It is a need for relating with and bonding with the feminine or the female.

Embracing femininity “The ideal relationship between the two aspects of a man should be that the male part is dominant with the feminine side supporting and co-operating with it.” ~ Michael G Millett, PhD We are all two-spirited people, whether men or women. We all have masculine and feminine energies within us. All ancient cultures recognised this fact, whether our own Hindu philosophy which talks of ardhnarishwar (Lord Shankar), i.e. the concept of male and female within the same person, or the ancient tribes of America (Indian Americans) which believed that every woman is born with a small penis (clitoris) and every man is born with a small vagina. It is only that men have more masculine energy and their biological make-up is designed to make the best of that energy. But they also need their feminine energy, without which they will be crippled in dealing with many aspects of life and will not be able to live it to the fullest. True and positive masculinity is not


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afraid of the small streak of femininity within. It doesn’t run away from it or avoid it, but rather embraces it.

The two-spirited males “Nobody knows how we struggle for a living nor how we feel when people insult us” ~ Jereena, an Indian Hijra There are some males whose feminine energies far exceed their masculine energy. Such males combine physical capabilities of males with the powers of the feminine. This gives rise to a unique form of power, which neither men nor women have. Nature has given them an important role in human life. They are the link between men and women by being both men and women. All ancient cultures respected and valued such people. They were supposed to have unique spiritual and healing powers. The original god in most cultures is seen as a hermaphrodite having both male and female energies. In the beginning, they say, there was only one god with both male and female energies within him with which he created other gods and the world. In the ancient world, such males were valued and given a special place in society, often as priests, healers, astrologers, etc. They were the link between men and women, who otherwise lived separate lives. They participated equally in the reproduction process. In North American Indian tribes, they were known as the ‘twospirited’ people. The way our society has evolved, it has tried to suppress femininity in males. The earlier two-spirited males have been persecuted for centuries as the ‘abnormal’ and ‘sick’ third sex. This has affected the lives of men and how we think, feel and behave today. Men in general have become hateful and scared of femininity inside them and in other men. The society has manipulated this fear by artificially defining what is masculine and what is feminine. And men have lost an important source of natural power. The worst victims of this social oppression have been the two-


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spirited males of the ancient world. After centuries of persecution, society has rendered them useless. The earlier two-spirited people, who were both male and female, have now become ‘neither male nor female’. They are abused, exploited and thrown out of the society. Their unique inner power has become extremely negative and self-destroying. In our country, such people are known as hijras. In the heterosexual West, they are the gender and sexual minority which includes transsexuals, transvestites and homosexuals. The society holds hijras as an example of what will happen to men if they don’t comply with the social and sexual roles of men fixed by the society. Men instinctively fear this destiny. They quietly comply with the social masculinity imposed upon them without questioning it. And they fear the hijra within. Men will never be able to liberate themselves from their oppression unless they overcome this fear of the social namard label. Only a respect for and acceptance of one’s femininity and those in others, plus a respect for the feminine males (third gender), can take them towards being a complete man.

Respecting women’s rights “Larger freedom implies that men and women everywhere have the right to be governed by their own consent” ~ Kofi Annan Men and women have both been victims of the same social mechanism, which has very rigid roles for both of them, harming both the groups. The idea earlier was to bring man and woman together into a social union called marriage. The ultimate aim was to raise populations beyond the natural rate to make civilisations possible at a time when child mortality was high, life-expectancy was low, mating between male-female was low and people were settling in remote, uninhabited areas. Both men and women had to make immense sacrifices under this mechanism and this gradually resulted in their oppression. While men’s oppression was silent and invisible, women have


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been openly persecuted for thousands of years. For centuries they have been confined within the four walls of the marriage system, where they were only good for procreating and raising children. For long society has considered them the property of men, with no identity, desires or needs of their own. Especially in the middle ages, her condition deteriorated considerably and the society was unconcerned. Even though reproduction and raising children are the primary drive of women, they too want to go out and experience the world. They have talents and qualities that they too would like to develop. They are intelligent and capable people who would like to take their own decisions and control their own lives, including decisions like marriage and children. Because it is visible, society has for long recognised the oppression of women and has taken steps to correct it. But the attitudes of men have not changed significantly, hence not much has been achieved. Men, on their part, are so insensitive to their own needs, that they cannot be expected to be sensitive to the needs of women. Women’s programmes need to stop looking at men as oppressors and start looking at how men too have been the victims of the same social mechanism that women suffer from. Men and women have to work together to subvert the oppressive system. We no longer need to increase our population, so we have no need for the oppressive social mechanism of rewards and punishments. We should now start thinking about redressing the damages. It is high time to talk about destroying old oppressive mechanisms and build new institutions suited to today’s ground realities.

Equality an unreasonable goal

“Women who seek equality with men lack ambition” – Timothy Leary The women’s liberation movement has, at places, diverted from its basic goal. The modern heterosexual society wants women to be just like men: doing what men do, behaving like men behave and being wherever they are.


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Equality should not mean being the same. It should not deprive men and women of their separate spaces. Women and men are not the same. They have been endowed by nature with different capabilities and aspirations. We should respect this difference and not try to subvert it through social maneuvers. Every individual should be able to live up to his or her full potential. The society should not force him/her to be like the other. They need to respect each other with their differences. Men who are in touch with their inner masculinity become sensitive and caring of themselves and other men, and are also naturally inclined to treat women with respect. Perhaps the best social system would be where women decide on issues regarding women and men decide on issues regarding men. Otherwise, both will continue to try to subjugate each other, since their needs differ too much from each other. And then politics, abuse and exploitation of each other is inevitable. In such a situation, the third gender/two-spirited people can resume their natural role of coordinating the relations between the two groups for proper functioning of society.


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5. Reclaiming and Celebrating Our Natural Masculinity “Hanuman forgot his own powers and lost them. He needed someone to remind him of them” ~ The Ramayana

Boys go through social maneuvering which changes the way they

think, feel and behave. This harms them in the process. We know that this process starts early in life, from the time a boy is born. By now most boys reading this would already have gone halfway through the process and may have lost a significant portion of their real masculinity. But it is never too late to make amends. Your natural masculinity is hidden deep within you beneath layers of social cobwebs, walls and obstacles. You need to remove these webs and obstacles and break the walls to reach it. You will find layers of suppressed emotions, needs, desires, pain and hurt on the way, with which you have to deal. Your natural masculinity is injured and suffocated. After you find it, you have to carefully heal and nurture it and bring it out to breathe, but very carefully, because the outside environment is extremely hostile. It would be helpful if you do this under proper guidance. We suggest the following steps for boys to recover their lost masculinity, then celebrate it and develop it, for the benefit of self and the society. Before you start these steps, it is assumed that you understand what natural masculinity is and how society uses male gender and sexual roles to oppress men.


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Reclaiming masculinity: 1.

Reclaiming one’s emotions

2.

Accepting and sharing one’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities

3.

Creating a safe environment

4.

Developing inner strength

5.

Conquering one’s ego

6.

Giving up fake power

7.

Bonding with other boys

8.

Healing inner pain and hurt

9.

Developing one’s positive masculine qualities

10. Developing one’s physical masculinity 11. Bonding with nature 12. Changing the rules

1. Reclaiming your emotions “Feeling is the language of the soul.” ~ Neal Donald Walsch Boys have forgotten to feel. They have been trained in such a way that they only use their head, and ignore their heart in dealing with life’s situations. But boys need to get in touch with their emotions. Because our emotions tell us a lot about who we are and what we really want. They are our key to real health and happiness. Reclaiming our emotions would need practice. You need to consciously work at recognising your emotions and expressing them. Don’t try to run away from your emotions or try to ignore or suppress them. If you are scared, then face it. Understand it. You don’t have to talk about your emotions to everyone, but you can at least yourself feel the emotion, and then decide whether and how you want to express it to others. This way the stress is almost released. Once you accept your feelings, you can find some


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way to express them when you are alone, if you don’t have anyone else you can trust them with. Once you accept and understand your emotions, you will be able to understand and appreciate yourself better. You will also be able to accept yourself, as you are, not what society wants you to be. This brings a unique peace, which is difficult to describe. Plus, you are also safe socially.

2. Accepting and sharing one’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities “I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed” — Jill Zevallos -Slovak We are all human. The strongest male in the world is also human and has weaknesses and vulnerabilities. These weaknesses don’t make us any less of a man. They are an integral part of our manhood. Often what we consider our weaknesses, vulnerabilities or even our ‘unmanly’ aspects are our real strengths, our natural masculinity. The fake masculinity roles have fooled us by presenting these aspects to us as our weaknesses. Without accepting these qualities, we cannot reach our natural masculinity. When some things are indeed our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, it is still desirable to accept them, because by rejecting them, we will be living in a make-believe world. Only when we face up to them can we take steps to remove them or minimise them. Also, when taking a decision, we will keep in mind our limitations. This way, accepting weaknesses can make us more practical. All your weaknesses have a corresponding strength, of which these weaknesses are another aspect. When these weaknesses go, you also lose the corresponding power. This is the principle of yin and yang. When a weakness troubles you, the best approach may be to change that weakness into a strength by logging on to its positive side.


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Therefore, learn to accept them and share them, at least with some people. The best people who would be helpful are close friends who understand you. You also need to open up to others if you want help in dealing with life’s tricky situations. Accepting weaknesses will also include accepting one’s femininity.

3. Creating a safe environment “Participation in a men’s group provides an opportunity to experience support and validation from other men in a safe environment.” – Peter Dimock You cannot really learn to express your emotions or share your weaknesses when you live in a group full of cutthroat ‘race for social manhood’ where everyone is looking for the other boy’s weaknesses so that he can trip him up….. or in a mixed-gender setting where you have to conceal your real self even more in order to please the girls. You have to create your own space, even if it is small, where you can find some people, especially men, with whom you can be yourself. This could include close friends, a sibling and even your mother or father, provided they love you in spite of your weaknesses. The best person to include in this space would be a very close male friend. Such relationships need to be worked upon. You need to be sensitive to other people’s needs too. To understand them and love them in spite of their weaknesses, and allow them to be themselves before you. It will help if you stop throwing the male pressures on other boys in your group.

4. Developing inner strength “Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we’re damned if we’re going to show.” – Mignon McLaughlin Because outer power which includes money, status, girls, etc. is so valued in men, they spend their entire life pursuing these. In this


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melee, they forget to develop their inner strength, because it has no social value. But without this, men become hollow from inside. Inner strength is very important for true happiness and health. Find time to develop it. Develop your inner qualities even if they don’t help in your career, or add to your social masculinity. Do not suppress those inner needs, which do not tally with social masculinity. Accept them and try to fulfill them, because these are the source of your natural masculinity. Outer power is not permanent, but inner strength, once developed, stays with you. No one can snatch it from you. Remember, what is inside is real. Social power is just a show. Outer power has any real value only when it is achieved using inner strength.

5. Conquering false ego “If we leave our own Self, then the ego will manifest itself. If we seek our true nature, then ego dies.” – Maharishi Bhagwan Ramana Your false ego will prevent you from reaching your masculinity. It will also make you weak in resisting social masculinity. Because this false ego has been created by these very social masculinity roles so that the fear of it being hurt will keep you enslaved to these roles. Conquering your ego would mean, for example, that you are not afraid of accepting defeat, or accepting that you are wrong when you realise you are. Don’t be afraid to say you are sorry when it is deserved. You don’t need to be in control all the time. Don’t be easily instigated by hollow words. Conquering your ego does not mean losing your self-respect. Where ego represents fake social masculinity, self-respect denotes natural masculinity and is a quality of real men.


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6. Giving up fake social power “Men have come to see power as a capacity to impose control on others and on our own unruly emotions.” – Michael Kaufman After you free yourself of your ego, you have to accomplish another difficult task. You have to forego fake social power that comes from fitting into social masculinity roles. You have to give up its addiction. The dependence on this power is a big weakness of man. Only after you give up this dependence can you reach your natural masculinity. Once you develop your natural masculinity, you can then use its phenomenal energies to become truly powerful. Society cannot take away this power from you. You will become absolutely self-dependent. This task is difficult for weaklings, lesser men and real namards. Because getting fake outer power is the simplest thing on earth. Besides, it is addictive. To develop your natural masculinity you have to move mountains. But if you can do it (there is nothing that real men would want more), you will be rewarded with true masculinity. Giving up fake social power would mean, for example, that from now on you would not seek girls for their ‘power’ value. Or smoke to ‘appear’ manly. And several other such things. This also means that you would stop running in the ‘race for social manhood’ and not put pressure on other boys. At the same time, don’t let others pressurise you. It is advisable to go slow in the beginning. The best practice would be to stop depending on fake power, but still fooling society by pretending to fit into social masculinity roles as a social precaution. This is called leading a double life. Under present hostile conditions, this works. But you should know that you are just acting and that eventually you need to break free altogether. You will have to deal with society more directly some day. Society will put a lot of pressure on you when you do this. It may even call you a namard. But if you want to access your real masculinity, you


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will have to fight all this boldly. You know, after all, that these are just hollow words. Once you forego your dependence on fake social power, you will find that a new, unique power will fill you up. Almost like magic. Something you have never experienced before. It will make you feel truly masculine, and it will show. This is your natural masculinity. But you will still need to work on it, for it is injured and undeveloped. You need to cultivate it and develop it before you can revel in it.

7. Bonding with other men “It is only by associating with other men that one can learn to be a man” – anonymous Boys need to grow up with other boys in male-only spaces. That is the only way for a boy to develop positive masculinity. He needs to learn to relate with other boys without the pressure of having to ‘date’ girls. Girls can’t teach boys masculinity, and when they grow up, it will be too late to learn. However, when they grow older, they can still find the right female partner to marry. Men should keep their male-only groups all their life in order to rejuvenate their masculinity. This is why all ancient macho traditions insisted on keeping away from women. A boy needs to learn to share his innermost feelings with other boys, at least with those close to him. He should be able to respect other people’s deepest feelings and fears. Boys show him how to celebrate and revel in masculinity. This is an extremely important phase of a boy’s life. An intimate friendship can be very helpful. A friend cares for your deepest feelings and understands your fears, loves you for who you are and accepts you totally —— someone with whom you can be open about yourself. It can change your life. It is important to stop feeling ashamed about one’s sexual need for another man, even though it is easier said than done, when there is such social hostility, stigma, denigration and ridicule of


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such feelings. The trick is to accept such feelings as an integral part of your natural masculinity — which they are. You should train yourself to not exercise undue control over such feelings when they arise mutually in a close bond. You should learn to give the love that you have in your heart for another man, not conceal it, even though you may want to hide it from the rest of the world. Only a man can truly understand and appreciate your natural masculinity. An intimate friend will inspire you to develop your inner masculinity and be a companion in life’s highs and lows. Of course it is mutual, and you’d be equally beneficial for his masculinity. Natural masculinity grows stronger and more beautiful nurtured by this mutual relationship. It gives both persons immense energy and power. Ultimately, men will be able to destroy the social oppression mechanism only when they organise themselves. This will happen hopefully some day in the near future, by reclaiming the power to bond with each other, like they used to do in the wild.

8. Healing inner wounds “Love is the key to our healing” – anonymous On the way to your natural masculinity, you’d come across layers of suppressed emotions, hurt and pain, which you had been unmindfully dumping inside. As you unearth them, you need to deal with them. You need to heal your inner wounds, your inner self. When your inner self is hurt, your natural masculinity is hurt too, because your natural masculinity is a part of your inner self. Healing these wounds will help your natural masculinity heal itself. For this, you can seek counselling and practice meditation, Reiki, yoga, etc. You can also participate in spiritual traditions. An intimate friendship can be extremely helpful in healing your inner self.


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9. Developing your positive masculine inner qualities “Courage is rightly deemed the first of human qualities . . . because it is the quality that guarantees all others.” – Winston Churchill Now that you have a healthy and freely breathing natural masculinity within you, and hopefully a close friend to support you, you can develop the positive masculine qualities which will make you a superior man, an alpha male. Some of these positive masculine qualities are: Courage, honesty, fairness, defending the weak, playing by the rules, honour, reliability, self-control, risk-taking, being a man of words, socially responsible, being principled, self-respect, politeness, etc. In contrast, some of the common attributes of social masculinity are: Cunningness, meanness, selfishness, cruelty, not playing by the rules, dishonesty, manipulating, bragging or boasting, exploiting the weak, bullying, rude, egotistic, unreliable, lack of principles, etc.

10. Developing your physical masculinity “There can be no fairer spectacle than that of a man who combines the possession of moral beauty in his soul, with outward beauty of body” – Plato It helps to develop your physical masculinity by partaking in things like martial arts, wrestling, gymnastics, athletics, trekking or rafting together with other boys. It can give you the much needed confidence and physical power. It can also help you develop physical masculine beauty. Today’s society lays stress on bookish education but ignores such things. You can give these activities importance and time. You won’t regret it. The best thing to do would be to get associated with one of the ancient traditions which are still alive today, e.g. Kalarippayattu,


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Chhau dance or akharas. Today’s mixed-gender, anti-male societies have no place for them, so they are dying out. But you can still access them in more traditional places. These traditions will develop your physical masculinity as well as your inner masculinity. It will instil positive masculine values in you, which include a moralistic lifestyle. Kallaripayattu, an ancient martial art from Kerala

The modern temples of (socalled) masculine men – the modern mixed-gender gyms

A traditional Indian Akhara

(which are more of dating joints) – only make men appear heavy, but not strong from inside, neither physically, nor mentally or morally.


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11. Bonding with nature “…..our future lies in going back to the time when men’s sacred duty was the preservation of the earth.” – Jed Diamond When a man gets in touch with the natural masculinity within him, he automatically develops a respect for the nature outside. He begins to see himself as a part of the larger nature and hates to disrupt it. He wants to live in tandem with it. This is how man was supposed to be in the first place. There is a deep relationship between the nature within and the nature outside us. Modern man is unapologetically destroying his natural environment because he has been removed from his natural masculinity for centuries. He does not realise that he is part of the delicate natural system that he is destroying. He does not understand or respect the nature outside him, just like he does not understand or respect the nature within him. That is why he calls the destruction of his environment ‘progress’ or ‘development’. You can do a number of things to get in touch with nature. You can reduce use of plastic to a minimum. You can stop wasting gas, electricity and water. You can start using scooters and cars less and more of bicycles and public vehicles, or just walk whenever you can. You can plant trees and protect them. You can look after animals. You can get involved with environmental groups in your city that put pressure on the government to protect the environment.

12. Change the rules, change society “You have a chance to define a new kind of manhood. . . . . It will be a world where we can love together, laugh together, and work together without fear and without judgment; a world of celebration, not a world of accusation and apology and unexamined assumptions.” – Kent Nerburn With the power that natural masculinity gives you, you are now ready to change the rules of social masculinity. Be a man on your


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own terms, not on the whims and fancies of those who don’t know a thing about manhood. This will make you a free man – as nature made you – glowing with natural masculinity. A true man who cannot be unduly manipulated or controlled by society to live a life full of indignity, suppression and misery. You will then be looked upon by other men as an ideal. They will emulate you. They will try to achieve what you have achieved. That is how we can change the world. At the same time, get united with other men. That is extremely important. Talk about men’s rights and issues. Help and support men in need. Understand and help women in their struggle for their rights. Then only can we win freedom by destroying the social mechanism of oppression.




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Glossary 1. Sex vs. Gender a. Sex: Sex refers to the ‘outer sex’, i.e. to the sexual organs of a person. There are 3 kinds of sexes: (i) Male, (ii) Female, (iii) Hermaphrodite. Only the first two are recognized by the western society. b.

Gender: Gender refers to one’s ‘inner sex’, i.e. one’s sense of being a male or female, irrespective of one’s ‘outer sex’. There are at least two kinds of genders: (i) masculine, (ii) feminine . A possible ‘third gender’ can be termed as ‘meterosexual’, i.e. a combination of masculine and feminine. The west does not recognize Gender as a biological trait.

2. Gender identity vs sexual identity a.

Gender identity: It refers to the identity of an individual which results from the combination of one’s Sex and Gender. There can ideally be about 6 gender identities (like in some ancient societies). In India there are three gender identities, viz. (i) Man, (ii) Woman, and (iii) Third sex Gender identity is the basic natural identity of a person, which is more important than his or her outer sex. There are no gender identities in the west.

b.

Sexual identity: It is a peculiarly modern/ western concept which identifies an individual on the basis of his ‘sexual orientation’. ‘Sexual orientation’ refers to whether a person claims to be attracted towards men, women or both. Special developments around sexual and gender politics in the west, since the medieval times led to the


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emergence of the concept of ‘sexual identity’ in the modern era. The concept has several drawbacks. It is still evolving and widespread confusion persists as to its meaning and scope. One important drawback is that it does not take into account the gender identity of people and mixes people of different genders into a single group. Another drawback is that a lot of sexual/ gender politics defines these identities rather than human nature. There are 3 kinds of ‘sexual identities’ in the west: (i) Heterosexual, (ii) Homosexual, (iii) Bisexual. Indian society, like other traditional cultures has no concept of ‘sexual orientation’ or ‘sexual identity’, although several attempts have been made recently to introduce them here. 3. Traditional society vs Heterosexual society a. Traditional society: Traditional society refers to those societies where social spaces are classified and seggregated on the basis of gender identities of people. Most of India is still a traditional society, though parts of it’s urban areas are now heterosexualised. b.

Heterosexual society: Heterosexual societies refer to modern, affluent societies where the social spaces, values and customs have been extensively heterosexualised by removing segregation based on gender. Instead the society is now segregated on the basis of (claimed) ‘sexual identities’.

4. Heterosexuality vs Homosexuality a. Heterosexual male: heterosexual’ is a social identity which signifies: i.

a complete sexual allegiance towards women;

ii.

a complete sexual repulsion against men.

But it is also used to describe even a partial sexual interest in women, creating confusion. There is no heterosexual identity in India and other traditional countries. A man is believed to be just sexual. It is marriage which is important not a sexual interest in women. b.

Homosexual male: Homosexual in the west refers to a man who displays an exclusive sexual interest in men. But in practice it is often used for anyone who displays even a slight interest in men, as it is an effective ‘put down’. In India the term ‘homosexual’ is used in different ways, but


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mainly refers to a transgendered male — as an English term for ‘third sex’. 5. Transgenderism, Transvestism and Transsexuality: a. Transgendered male: Transgendered refers to males who are extremely feminine and who wish to live as women. Transgenderism is not seen as biological, but is seen as a psychological abnormality in the west.

6.

b.

Transvestite male: It refers to males who wear women’s clothes.

c.

Transsexual male: Transsexual is one step ahead of transgender, and refers to males who want to change their ‘outer sex’ to ‘female’. This too is seen as a psychological disease, rather than a natural condition.

Hermaphrodites and Intersexed people: Hermaphrodite: Hermaphrodites are people with ambiguous sex organs consisting of both male and female organs. Generally one sex is more pronounced than the other. Intersexed: Intersexed people are those who may have sexual organs belonging to one sex, but their internal reproductive organs may belong to the other sex.

7. Third Sex: Third sex is a gender identity in India which includes transgendered, transsexual and hermaphrodite people. It includes Hijras, Kotis, Alis etc.


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