Managerium

Psychiatry Activist - May 2003

MANAGERIUM-A NEW ELEMENT From Our Science Correspondent – Dr P. V. Horsefeather.

Research on elementary particles has revealed that the heaviest element known to science, Administratium, exists in two forms. The newly discovered element, Managerium, is unique in that it has no protons or electrons, which means that it has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant deputy neutrons, 11 assistants to the assistant deputy neutrons, 1 secretrino and 273.4 resource managerions. This gives it an atomic mass number of 513. The 513 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of mesonlike particles called memos. Since it has no electrons Managerium is inert. It can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to one investigator a single atom of Managerium made a reaction that normally takes less than a second take over four months. The results support the Grand Unified Theory of the Universe which states that time is as long as a piece of string. Like Administratium, Managerium has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay. Instead, after molecular aggregation ('meetings'), it seems to vanish into the limbo of the space-time continuum where it undergoes a reorganisation. Deputy neutrons, assistant deputy neutrons, assistants to the assistant deputy neutrons, the secretrino and resource

managerions e x c h a n g e places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number usually increases after each reorganisation. Where the new element differs from Administratium is in the nature of its elementary particles: Managerium has twice the number of berks. Studies based upon the work of Professor Stephen Hawking of the University of Cambridge have shown there are at least six different ‘flavours’ of berk—up, down, strange, charmed, top and fundament. Managerium is extraordinary in that it has berks with charmed fundaments. These exert a strong attractive force on the particle of spin ½ — known as the massive vector bosom— unique to the secretrino. When an accurately aligned bosom hits a fundament the collision can produce energy equivalent to around one thousand million electron volts (100 G e V ) - t h e ‘Big Bang’. Was the delay in the scientific discovery of Managerium due to this berk/ spin affinity? It might be thought that finding the answer to this would be the ultimate triumph of human reason—for then we would know the nature of God. However, even at the highest resolution and with the use of a telescopic lens Managerium rotates at a frequency such that it is merely a blur and can never be contacted by telephone. When the critical mess of Managerium is reached it may transmute into the unstable isotope Directorium. As a result the berk spin of ½ may go round and round in ever decreasing circles and disappear

up its fundamental (black hole). Current researche indicates that Directorium has a half life which corresponds to that of one gin and tonic. q

(This article has been prepared by our Science Correspondent, Dr P. V. Horsefeather. Dr Horsefeather is a Consultant at The Anahula, Sanitarium, Bogwater Farm, Tristan da Cunha, TV751QX. A brief description of Administrarium was contained in a Newsletter of the University of St Loko published some time ago and reprinted elsewhere. The original article may have been Australian; if further details are known Psychiatry Activist would be glad to receive them.)

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