Making Your Marriage Work

HOW TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE LAST By Chidi Ekediegwu

It has been said that life should be regarded as a house with four storeys – the physical, the emotional, the mental, and the spiritual. The same may be said of marriage. Marriage; a union of man and woman, though in some places we now have same sex marriage, being an institution has to be successful for the partners to enjoy it. Hence, for it to be counted wholly successful, it must reach to the fourth storey. Equally, if the partners cannot live happily in the first storey their life on the other three is unlike to prove satisfying. The physical is the one which has been most neglected. It is sometimes referred to as the ‘lowest’ parts of the love relationship. That however, depends upon the use made of it. It is the foundation stones of the whole structure; if it is weak the rest will suffer. But while it is true that the physical basis affects, for good or ill, the emotional, mental, and spiritual states, it is also true that these play a part in influencing the purely physical side. Sometimes their influence is profound. Possibly you have heard a joke about the girl who told her friend that marriage is a great institution, to which her friend replied: yes, but who wants to live in an institution?’

Marriage is an institution which is always in a stage of siege. Those within, long to get out. Those without, strive to get in. If a young man starts out in the world hoping to make money, the first thing he needs to realize is that there is no such thing as a perfect job. Search where he will, he can never find a perfect business, or any kind of organization which cannot be improved in some way or the other. It is the same with marriage. Marriage is what you make it. Just as the ambition young man may turn the most humdrum of jobs into something worthwhile, so with marriage. You have to make the best of it. You have to co-operate. The institution of marriage can be a prison or it can be a wide field, full of opportunities for the mutual enrichment of the lives of the partners. You make your choice, if you are wise, and act accordingly. You get out of life precisely what you put in – no more and no less. The same is true of marriage. The Problem of Living Together People of every class, colour, and race need encouragement. To require constant praise before one can do one’s best in anything is a sign of immature development. But in all, even the most self-reliant, feel better and work better for being appreciated. Be hearty in your appreciation and

lavish in your praise; is an old saying. This exhortation might well be taken to heart by all married lovers. The woman who finds herself developing the nagging habit can hold herself in check by trying a new technique in which praise plays a parts. Of course, she will not be able to pretend she is pleased when all the time she is intensely annoyed. There is not the slightest need for her to be dishonest. What is needed is that she should look out for the many chances which are bound to arise for her to express honest appreciation. Men sometimes accept all their wives offer them with nothing more than a shrug. A man whose belief that no worthy effort of his staff escapes commendation may allow his wife to struggle from one end to another with household worries and the care of the children, yet never say one world to show that he sees it all and appreciates it to the full. Instead of adopting towards your wife or husband the attitude of the old proverb ‘Give a dog a bad name ………’ try the opposite for a change. Give a man or a woman a reputation to live up to, and they will strive to deserve it. Constant carping criticism is one of the biggest enemies of marital happiness. The victim often learns to respond in the same way. Things go from bad to worse, then much worse. By looking for what is good and praiseworthy we go far towards remedying this. If there must be criticism,

then let it be constructive and made in a form which will not offend. In marriage it is more important not to offend than it is to win your point.

Most Common Faults An internet analysis covering fifteen hundred marriages showed the most grievous faults of married life – apart from sexual difficulties to be as follows: Poor wives

Poor husbands

Nag;

are inconsiderate

Are not affectionate;

are bad money-managers

Are selfish;

are untruthful;

Interfere with hobbies;

do not show affection;

Are slovenly in appearance;

do not talk things over;

Interfere with child discipline

are harsh with children;

Are conceited;

are very touchy;

Criticize their husband;

are uninterested in home;

Neglect the children;

lack ambition;

Are poor housekeepers;

are rude;

This is a very obvious list. Yet it has been carefully worked out on the basis of the fifteen hundred marriages investigates and the various

faults are given in their order of frequency – which makes the list interesting. Go through it, be absolutely honest with yourself, and see just where you have a tendency to work against the happiness of your marriage. If it seems very unlikely that you of all people could possible acquire the nagging habit, become inconsiderate to your partner, or be guilty of any of the other failing listed, please bear this important point in mind, that such habits grow in people and grow slowly. Nearly all the naggers, the rude ones, the child neglectors, and the rest, who does such things would have seemed just as unlikely for them as they do for you. People drift into these sorry states so gradually that they are usually completely unaware of what has happened. Half the world’s naggers have no idea that they are so. Domineering men have a shock when some brave or distraught person tells them the truth. How such curious changes do occurs? One way in which people drift into these faults is by over doing things. The naggers start often enough, by trying to improve her partner. The tight-fisted stingy husband begins by trying to be economical. The conceited of both sexes simply carry a pride too far. All of which proves, once more, the importance of moderation in all things, including the good. For it is a fact that not one person in a hundred, marries with bad intentions. Mr. A cannot trace the steps which change him from a

generous lover in courtship days to the misery old skinflint he is now, at any rate towards his wife. Mrs. B has no idea how it is that she cannot bear her husband to complete a single sentence without interruption – she who, at one time, devoured every word which fell from his lips. They just drifted.

TRUTH TREATMENT A surprising number of cases of marital woe yield some improvement as soon as the partners can rid themselves of deception. Deception here does not refer to deliberate deception due to ill-intent. No, in marriage there is often much deception which has its origins in the slightest motives but which leads, step by step, to all sorts of difficulties. Many married people indulge in little lies, even those who have been married for many years. The real trouble is that most of us lie to ourselves because we do not like to admit to ourselves, far less others, the truth of what we see in ourselves. Deeply buried in such deception lie the root of discord, which has the potential to negatively affect love. It is said that a man always has two reasons for everything he does: a good reason, and bad reason. The same is true of women. And where marriage is concerned it is necessary to distinguish the real reason from the false. Some of the lies in marriage arise from good intentions. They are

designed in the first place to spare the feelings of the beloved. But deception soon results in order to keep the first intact. Soon deception becomes a habit. To know the truth is to understand, in most cases, how to set about effecting an improvement. The object of the scorecard which follows is to help you, if you are married, to check upon your success as a marriage partner. They are not comprehensive. They are rough and sketchy test. But they do tend to bring the truth to the surface, provided that absolute honesty dictates every answer. A low score is not a distress-signal. It does not mean that you must sit back and cease your efforts. The score cards are intended for guidance. If your score is low, you can see just where weaknesses lie and take steps to remedy them.

SCORE CARDS FOR HUSBAND 1.

Do you realize that your wife is a separate individual with opinions and interests which may not always be yours?

2.

Are you quite certain that your wife and children do not have to climb over a wall in order to reach you – a wall of inapproachability you have managed to build?

3.

Do you manage money and think of the proverbial rainy day, so that money does not manage you, and give rise to financial worries?

4.

Do you exercise control on your behaviour? Smoking, drinking and your sex life come into this.

5.

Do you talk things over with your wife – the two heads – are – better than one idea?

6.

Do you allow her a free hand in the house including control of housekeeping money?

7.

Has she some part of the family income, however small, which she can spend as she chooses?

8.

Have you recently praised anything she has done or shown appreciation of her effort in some way?

9.

Do

you

remember

her

birthday,

wedding-day,

and

other

anniversaries, with some token however small? 10.

Are you always as mindful of her well-being and pleasure as of your own?

11.

Do you gladly accept the responsibilities of married life, entertaining and attending to your children’s education, and so on cheerfully?

12.

Do you accept that she does not have to be a house wife but can work and earn an income for the family?

13.

Do you refrain from criticizing or abusing your wife in the presence of others, including the children?

14.

Is some part of your free time regularly spent in joint recreation with your wife?

15.

If both of you feel that a frank talk on an intimate subject is necessary with one of the children, are you willing to undertake the task?

16.

Are you upon indeed and willing to listen to and accept her logical opinions on issues? Or do you always impose your ideas?

17.

Can you say without hesitation that jealousy plays little part in your attitude towards her?

18.

Are you willing to permit her as much freedom as you claim for yourself.

SCORE CARD FOR WIVES 1. Do you try to encourage your husband in his work, without, however demanding too much of him? 2. Is it your aim to appear as attractive and ‘well turned out’ as you did before marriage? 3. Are you courteous to his relatives, and refuse to allow interference in your home from his mother or other relatives? 4. Are you careful not to nag or make a fuss over trifles? 5. Are you willing to accept the ups-and-downs which may affect your financial position without putting the blame on him? 6. Is the sex side of your married life free from morbid self consciousness or childish fear on your part?

7. Do you take a lively interest in his business? 8. Are you capable of entertaining his business associates with confidence and efficiency? 9. Is your handling of housekeeping finance business-like? 10.Think! Have you run up any debt of which he has no knowledge? 11.Do you feel that the home is as comfortable, interesting, and attractive as your means permit? 12.Are you certain you have not left your husband ‘out in the cold’ in favour of one of the children? 13.Does jealousy play little part in your attitude towards him, and do you arouse jealousy in him for any reason? 14.Are you able to discuss intimate matters without awkwardness? 15.Do you try to be pleasant to his mother and relatives? 16.Do you make demands which adds to his difficulties or decrease his pleasure to increase yours? 17.Do you put at least as much though into house-keeping and being a wife as you would if striving to hold down a well-paid job? 18.During the past week have you made it plain that you love your husband, and do you always do this however tempted you may be to ‘keep him guessing’ at times?

HOW TO SCORE Give yourself from 0 to 5 according to the degree in which you can answer ‘yes’ to each question. A score of 100 means perfection, so try again if that is your total. Pass the tests to your husband while he passes his to you, add them together and divide by two. If you both have been fair and honest, something like the real truth will emerge.