Lucky Lottery

Lucky Lottery (16) Harry J. Chong 1. EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY An attractive blonde middle-aged woman (Bette) wearing sunglasses enters the convenience store. 2. INT. CONVENIENCE STORE – DAY An attractive middle-aged man, wearing tight jeans, completes his purchase. He gathers his bags. As he leaves the blonde middle-aged woman gives his ass a good long stare. CLERK (Middle Eastern Accent) Like what you see? The CHIMES over the door ring. The blonde gives the clerk a quick glance and goes over to the lottery booth. She grabs a sheet and fills out her numbers with a no. 2 pencil. The blonde goes over to the counter. The clerk takes the sheet and feeds it into the lotto machine. The blonde reaches into her pocket and plunks a bunch of change onto the counter. The clerk looks annoyed; nonetheless he counts the change. When he is finished counting he hands the lotto ticket to the blonde. CLERK Do you know what the chances of winning the lottery are? The blonde has no response. CLERK 1 in 37,000,000. Do you really think you are going to win? The blonde shrugs her shoulders. CLERK You have a better chance of being struck by lightning. BETTE

Well that’s why they call me Bette. I like to gamble. Bette puts the lottery ticket in her back pocket and leaves. She adjusts her sunglasses revealing a black eye. 3. INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY Bette stocks the shelves with cookies. She feels a tap on the back and turns around. The fat bald manager folds his arms. MANAGER Miss Barnaby. It’s against company policy to wear glasses indoors. BETTE I know that. I have a medical condition. MANAGER Which is? BETTE Eye-us Sensinitus. MANAGER Eye-us Sensinitus? BETTE It’s a condition where your eyes are extra sensitive to indoor lighting. If my eyes were to be left exposed for a prolonged period of time I could very well lose my vision. MANAGER That’s a very odd disease. How come I’ve never head about it? BETTE It’s a female thing; happens when you get menopause. In other words it’s actually quite rare, which is probably why you’ve never heard of it. MANAGER What is the disease called again?

BETTE Eye-us Sensinitus. You could look it up on the internet if you want. All the information is available for free. MANAGER Yeahhhhh I think I’ll pass. The manager’s pager BEEPS. He looks at the message. MANAGER Shit. Customer fell on the floor. The manager leaves in a huff. Bette adjusts her sunglasses and continues stocking the shelves. 4. EXT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY, AFTERNOON Bette leaves the department store; following behind her is a spry looking kid with curly dark hair. CURLY (Slight Mexican Accent) Bette! Wait up! Bette pauses and looks back. Curly catches up. CURLY I wanted to ask. Are you going to the employee Christmas dinner? BETTE Call me crazy but I’d prefer NOT to spend more time with the people I hate. CURLY It’s gonna be really fun Bette. I hear they’re going to have a limbo dance. BETTE (Sarcasm) Gee now I really wanna go. CURLY I like you Bette. And I want you to go with me. Please come with me to the dinner.

BETTE OKAY. I’ll go. CURLY (Claps) Hurray! BETTE (Points) BUT you owe me. CURLY Of course anything for you Bette...and I mean anything. Curly winks at Bette. BETTE Ugh. Bette shuffles ahead of Curly. CURLY (Arms in Air) What I was just being friendly! 5. INT. BARNABY RESIDENCE – DAY, LATE AFTERNOON JANGLING keys can be heard at the front entrance; insertion of key, turning of door lock. Bette enters the Barnaby residence. Her three year old son, Jamie runs to go hug his mom. Bette kisses him on the cheek and holds him tightly. BETTE You miss mommy? Jamie nods his head. Bette wets her fingers and combs her son’s hair. BETTE Today’s a special day isn’t it? Jamie nods. BETTE

That’s right it’s your birthday. How old are you again? Jamie holds out his fingers, three. BETTE Wow three! You’re an old man aren’t you? Aren’t you? Bette tickles Jamie. BETTE Let’s go eat some cake! As Bette turns around her husband Allen enters the house. He grumbles and glares at Bette. ALLEN Why aren’t you in the kitchen? BETTE Remember today’s Jamie’s birthday? We’re going out to eat. I, I told you about it last week. ALLEN I don’t feel like eating out today. BETTE But it’s his birthday. ALLEN So who cares? He’s a baby. He doesn’t even know it’s his birthday. BETTE Okay but I do. And he will remember when he’s older. ALLEN I don’t wanna go out to eat. It’s too damned expensive. BETTE Allen I have a coupon.

Bette reaches into her pocket and pulls out a coupon. ALLEN Fine, we’ll celebrate his birthday. But I don’t want you spending more than $20.00. BETTE Okay! I won’t spend more than $20.00. Allen pushes past Bette. As he unbuttons the top of his shirt, Bette mocks him behind his back, “But I don’t want you spending more than $20.00.” ALLEN I know you make fun of me behind my back. Bette scowls. Jamie grabs tugs on her hair. Allen goes upstairs. 6. INT. DINER – NIGHT Allen, Bette and Jamie are sitting in a tacky diner. The waitress comes up to them and asks for their orders. WAITRESS (Nasally Voice) Are you two ready to order yet? Bette and Allen put down their menus. BETTE Yes I’ll have a salad and a cupcake. WAITRESS (To Allen) And you sir? ALLEN Uh...I think I’ll have a cheeseburger; and maybe a coke. WAITRESS Is that it? BETTE Oh and could you put a candle in the cupcake. It’s my son’s birthday.

The Waitress looks at Jamie. WAITRESS Cute kid. BETTE Thanks. (Whispers) He gets it from my side of the family. WAITRESS Right; I’ll be back with your order in a couple o’ minutes. The waitress leaves. ALLEN (Annoyed) What was that? BETTE What was what? ALLEN Trying to embarrass me in front of the waitress. BETTE I was just kidding around Allen. ALLEN Oh really? BETTE (Sarcasm) No Allen. I’m dead serious. I really believe all the cute came from my side of the family. ALLEN ...There’s no need for sarcasm. The waitress returns with Allen and Bette’s order. WAITRESS Here’s your food...

She places the food down on the table. BETTE Thank you. WAITRESS And bon appetite! The waitress leaves. ALLEN (Disgusted) Ugh she’s French. BETTE She is not French. ALLEN Then what was all that “bon appetite” crap about? BETTE Can we not use profanity in front of the child? ALLEN The word crap is not profanity. BETTE Yes it is. ALLEN No it’s not. BETTE Yes it is. ALLEN You know what’s profanity Bette? FUCK! The other patrons in the diner stare at Allen. ALLEN That’s right. F-U-C-K. Fuck. Now that’s profanity. BETTE

You’re just a real man-child aren’t you? ALLEN Get in touch with your inner child Bette. Get in touch with your inner child. BETTE No thank you. I’m not a Boston Priest. Jamie grabs his cupcake off the table. Bette blows out the candle before he can take a bite. Allen sinks his teeth into his cheeseburger. The pink juices squeeze out the side and drip down his hand. 7. INT. BARNABY RESIDENCE, MASTER BEDROOM – DAY Bette awakes from her sleep and sits up. She touches her black eye and glares at her husband clutching his pillow and smiling. BETTE (Whispering) If I killed you nobody would care. You know that?! Nobody would care. Allen suddenly turns his body, startling Bette. BETTE (Breathing Heavily) But of course I wouldn’t do that. I’m not evil like you. Bette covers Allen’s face with the blanket and gets up to go to the washroom. 8. INT. MASTER BEDROOM, WASHROOM – DAY Bette washes her face. She pauses and looks at herself in the mirror. A subtle frown appears. Bette stops staring and dries her face off with a towel. She brushes her teeth. 9. INT. BARNABY RESIDENCE, MASTER BEDROOM – DAY Allen awakes from his sleep. He gets up and heads toward the washroom. 10. INT. MASTER BEDROOM, WASHROOM – DAY

KNOCK at the door. Allen groans at Bette while she sits on the toilet. ALLEN (OS) What are you doing in there? I’ve been waiting out here for two minutes y’know! BETTE There’s a washroom downstairs Y’KNOW! ALLEN (OS) I don’t like that washroom. For god-sake it smells like Calcutta. BETTE Then remove the damn incense! ALLEN (OS) You put it there, you remove it! BETTE Argh...I’ll be out in a minute okay! Stop pestering me! ALLEN (OS) Hurry up! (Bangs on Door) Bette gets off the toilet, pulls up her pants and quickly washes her hands. She opens the door. ALLEN Finally! Allen barges into the washroom and pushes Bette out of the way. Bette leaves; she grumbles and slams the door behind her. ALLEN Goddamn it you’ll wake the baby! 11. INT. BARNABY RESIDENCE, JAMIE’S BEDROOM – DAY Dressed and ready for work, Bette quietly opens the door to Jamie’s bedroom. She peeks through the crack and sees the toddler quietly lying in his little bed on his belly.

Bette tiptoes into the room and gently pulls him out of bed. She holds him carefully and walks out the room without making a noise. 12. INT. BARNABY RESIDENCE, MAIN FOYER – DAY Holding her son Jamie, Bette opens the front entrance door and leaves the house. 13. EXT. BARNABY RESIDENCE – DAY Bette places Jamie into the passenger side of the car. She gets into the driver seat and places on her sunglasses. The car reverses onto the street, knocking over a garbage can. BETTE Son of a... The car maneuvers around the strewn garbage and takes off. 15. INT. APARTMENT LOBBY - DAY Bette arrives inside the apartment building lobby with Jamie. She presses the buzzer on the wall. VOICE (OS) Come on up. 16. INT. SUE’S APARTMENT UNIT - DAY Bette knocks on the forest green door with gold color lettering. An extremely attractive young brunette female answers the door. She looks to be about in her mid to late 20’s. SUE So ditch that loser husband of yours yet? Bette covers one side of Jamie’s head. BETTE Shhh! SUE Oh he’s gonna find out eventually. BETTE

Ignorance is bliss Sue. Ignorance is bliss. SUE Sure why not. BETTE Don’t believe me? Ask congress. SUE Alright, alright hand me my nephew. Bette places Jamie into Sue’s arms. SUE You know it’s a good thing I moved into this apartment. Now I can babysit Jamie. You know instead of you locking him in the house and leaving him all alone while you go to work. BETTE Oh don’t try to guilt trip me. If I didn’t go to work he wouldn’t even have a house to stay in. SUE Bette, do you know how dangerous a lonely house is to a curious little three year old? BETTE It’s not dangerous. There’s nothing dangerous in there. I have removed all dangerous objects. Plus most of the time he sleeps. And he’s not that curious. He is the least curious kid I have ever met. SUE Still it’s a concern. BETTE Oh what do you know? You’re twenty...twenty... SUE Twenty six, big sister. BETTE

Right! You’re way too young to know about these things. It’s completely beyond your comprehension. I don’t mean to insult you here, but in terms of family you’re a bit uh, how should I say -- incompetent. SUE Yet competent enough to take care of your kid. BETTE It’s a very complex issue. SUE (Sighs) I think you better get going now. You’re gonna be late for work. As Bette turns around to walk away, Sue grabs her by the shoulder. SUE Wait. I have something for you. Sue reaches into her pocket and hands Bette a foundation kit. BETTE What’s this for? SUE I know about Allen...put the foundation makeup around your eye. And stop wearing those ridiculous Jackie O’ sunglasses. Jamie begins to stir. Bette puts the makeup kit into her pocket. BETTE I better get going. Sue picks up Jamie’s arm and waves goodbye. 17. INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY Bette is stocking the shelves with toilet paper. A customer taps her on the shoulder. Bette pauses and turns around to be greeted by an elderly English gentleman. E. CUSTOMER

Excuse me I don’t mean to bother you but you do know where the condom section is? BETTE Aren’t you a bit old to you know... E. CUSTOMER I say! I have never been more insulted in my life. Just because I am elderly gentleman does not exclude me from the young rambunctious activities of the youth. BETTE I’m sorry I was just curious. E. CUSTOMER Apology accepted. Now! May you lead me to the sexual paraphernalia isle? BETTE We don’t have a sexual paraphernalia isle. E. CUSTOMER Don’t get smart with me you young whippersnapper! You know what I mean! BETTE Ugh...condoms are in the pharmacy section. If you want Viagra you’ll have to present your prescription to the pharmacist. E. CUSTOMER Ah! More presumptions! What makes you think I need Viagra? BETTE I’m sorry mister but I’m really busy. I can’t answer your inane questions anymore. Bette ignores the Englishman and continues to stock the shelves with toilet paper. E. CUSTOMER I say! This is the rudest department store I’ve ever been in!

BETTE Yeah, yeah save it for the judge. E. CUSTOMER Hmph! The Englishman leaves the aisle. BETTE I hate this job. Curly appears behind Bette with an attractive middle-aged man. CURLY Bette I’d like you to meet your new co-worker Steve. Bette looks up. She is awestruck by Steve’s handsomeness. STEVE Hi! (Extends Hand) Bette shakes Steve’s hand. She stands up and brushes her hair back. BETTE (Flustered) So um...wh-what was your name again? STEVE Steve. Steve Rodriguez. Curly and I are cousins. BETTE Oh. CURLY I know what’re you thinking Bette, “What is a 39 year old man doing in a department store? What kinda career is that? What a moron!” Right? BETTE Actually that’s not what I was thinking. CURLY

Well my cousin’s not an idiot Bette. Just so you know. He’s down on his luck. BETTE Why what happened? STEVE Housing bubble; I sort of accidentally overleveraged myself. BETTE And you lost your home right? STEVE Yeah. And I also got a divorce. BETTE Oh I’m terribly sorry. STEVE No need for apologies. I’m the one who lost our life savings. CURLY You had a very nice operation going on before didn’t you? STEVE The best. BETTE Then how did you lose your money? STEVE Well the houses I purchased were along the coast line of California. And you know what happened there right? CURLY Whshhhhh! STEVE Yes thank you for the sound effects Curly...Yeah anyway uh Hurricane Harry came by and that was it. I wasn’t covered for “Acts of God.”

BETTE Well at least you had the balls to pursue your dream! (Titters) STEVE Thank you. That is the most uplifting thing I have heard in weeks. Curly leans forward and whispers. CURLY Don’t worry he won’t be working here long. STEVE Curly I can hear it when you whisper right in front of me. (Whispers) He’s an idiot. Bette smirks. CURLY Hey! Don’t embarrass me in front of my lady. STEVE (Rolls Eyes) Ugh you wish. CURLY We may not be going out yet, but something is in the works. STEVE Yeah -- your teenage hormones. CURLY I am not a teenage whore! I just appreciate the beauty in elder women. I’m sorry if you don’t share that sentiment. The manager enters the aisle, irate of his idling employees. MANAGER Curly!

Everyone turns their attention toward the manager. MANAGER I told you to show your cousin the ropes -not how to slack off! Get back to work! Curly and Steve leave. The manager follows behind. Bette goes back to stocking the shelves. She adjusts the toilet paper. 18. INT. BARNABY HOUSE, MAIN FOYER – DAY, AFTERNOON Bette returns home with Jamie. After slipping off her shoes, she goes upstairs to her son in bed. 19. INT. BARNABY HOUSE, JAMIE’S BEDROOM – AFTERNOON When Bette enters the room she finds Allen sitting on the floor guzzling a bottle of Vodka. The bed beside is overturned. BETTE Allen? ALLEN (Drunk) Why if it isn’t my beautiful wife Betty! BETTE Allen you said you stopped drinking. ALLEN You mistake me. BETTE I’m going to leave the room. And by the time I get back you better be sober. ALLEN (Stands) You know what’s wrong with people? They take advantage. When you’re not looking they reach down your pants and stick their finger in your asshole. BETTE Allen I’m not going through this again.

Allen advances toward Bette. He grabs her by the arm. ALLEN You’ll go through whatever I tell you goddamn it. BETTE Let go of me. Bette pulls away. BETTE I’m leaving. ALLEN FINE! LEAVE! Bette takes Jamie and leaves the room. Allen goes staggers to the corner where he slides down and collapses. Tears stream down his cheeks. 20. EXT. OAK STREET, SIDEWALK – NIGHT, STORMY WEATHER A disheveled looking Allen ambles along the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets; his wet head hanging low in shame. 21. EXT. MALADY PARK - NIGHT Allen wipes the hanging hair away from his face and looks up at the large Oak Tree. He trudges up the hill the slippery hill. Allen faces forward and leans his back against the crusty bark. He takes out a gun and loads in a bullet. ALLEN The last domino has fallen. Allen puts the gun in his mouth. He squeezes the trigger. Brains splatter all over the tree; the soaked body of the self-killer shloops down and rolls south of the hill into a mud trough. 22. INT. SUE’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Bette suddenly awakes from her sleep. She sits up. Leaning her arms back to hold her body, she breathes in heavily and darts her eyes around the room. Bette wipes the cold sweat from her forehead. BETTE

(Relieved) It was just a dream. That’s all it was -- just a dream. Bette closes her eyes. 23. INT. BANQUET HALL – DAY A festive mood at the company Christmas party; Bette rests her head on her hand as she sits between Curly and Steve, listening to their inane chitchat. CURLY I’m telling you Steve, the Coriolis Effect can be beat. STEVE You’re crazy Curly. The Coriolis Effect has never in the history of mankind been beat. It’s just not humanly possible. CURLY Oh! So getting water to reverse its direction is impossible? But the possibility that advanced alien life form has landed on Earth is? STEVE Two words Curly. Area 51. CURLY Area 51 was a sham and you know it. STEVE Oh my God. I can’t believe you’ve actually fallen prey to the government’s crappy media cover-up. You know they’re hiding things from us Curly. How do you think they invented the plasma screen TV? With alien technology! BETTE Alright I have to go to the washroom. Would you guys watch my purse for me? CURLY Sure, sure.

Bette gets up from the table and leaves for the washroom while Curly and his cousin Steve continue their chat. 24. INT. BANQUET HALL, LADY’S WASHROOM - DAY Bette washes her face by the sink. The makeup around her eye washes off. Her black eye is shown; the lady beside looks over. She is dressed in red from head to toe. She is reapplying her makeup. LADY RED Cat fight? BETTE Not exactly. Bette splashes her face with more water. LADY RED What happened? BETTE I uh fell over on a table. Bette takes out her foundation kit and begins applying makeup around her eye. LADY RED That’s a pretty unusual way to fall. BETTE Well I’m an unusual girl. LADY RED What really happened? BETTE I really don’t think that’s any of your business. LADY RED I used to have a husband who hit me too. BETTE (Annoyed) I didn’t get hit by husband.

LADY RED Sure whatever you say. BETTE Look it only happened once okay. He was inebriated. And you know what happens when you’re drunk, you do stupid things. LADY RED Oh so you mean it was the first time he gave you a black eye? But he bitch slaps you around an awful lot doesn’t he? BETTE I am not going to discuss with a stranger. LADY RED Take my advice lady. Ditch your husband, take your kid, and run away as far as you can. And whatever you do don’t look back. Lady Red finishes reapplying her makeup; she leaves the sink and begins walking toward the exit. BETTE How do you know I have a kid?! LADY RED There’s always a kid involved! 25. INT. BANQUET HALL – DAY Bette sits back down between Curly and Steve. Everyone at the table is having dinner. CURLY (Mouth Full) I didn’t know what you wanted so I got you spaghetti. Is that okay? BETTE What? CURLY (Mouth Full)

I didn’t know what you wanted so I got you spaghetti. BETTE Uh okay sure. Bette takes her fork and dips it into her plate. As she is about to eat a meatball, music from the band begins to play. Steve stands up and takes Bette by the arm. STEVE Come on let’s dance! BETTE (Hesitant) No, no. I can’t dance. STEVE It’s easy let me show you. Steve pulls Bette to the dance floor. At first the dancing is awkward, but as the music continues the two embrace each other like charmed Indian snakes. STEVE See it’s not that hard. Across the banquet hall Lady Red is dancing with her husband. She is murmuring and staring at Bette and Steve. Bette and Steve unwittingly continue dancing unaware of the forthcoming dangers. Lady Red’s husband cuts through the dance floor. He advances toward Bette and Steve. As Steve is holding Bette he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns his head and smiles. STEVE Sorry no cuts! POW! The husband punches Steve in the face knocking him to the floor. Bette’s mouth is agape, in utter shock. Steve gets to his feet and dusts himself off angrily. STEVE

I said NO CUTS! Steve attacks the husband. The two get into a tumultuous fight. A circle of people gather around. Bette watches in horror as the two men duke it out like pit-bulls in a dog fight. The department store manager forces himself through the crowd and breaks up the fight. He holds back Steve by his scruff. MANAGER Alright what the hell is going on here?! STEVE (Pointing to husband) This screw-hole hit me in the face! HUSBAND (Point to Steve) Well this screw-hole is a lady beater! MANAGER What the hell are you talking about?! HUSBAND This bastard likes to beat his wife. STEVE I don’t have a wife! HUSBAND (Points to Bette) Then who is that?! STEVE THAT is my co-worker. Bette Barnaby. Bette would you like to say hello? Bette slips back from the crowd and runs away. STEVE Bette?! 26. EXT. BANQUET HALL – DAY, LATE AFTERNOON Bette is storming away from the banquet hall. She is embarrassed and angry. Curly calls out for her from behind. He is holding an envelope.

CURLY Bette! Wait up! Curly runs faster and catches up to Bette. BETTE I have never been so embarrassed in my life! CURLY I’m sorry! I don’t know who that guy was. BETTE Do you know how shitty it feels being trapped in a life you don’t want?! But having everyone else know that too?! CURLY Again I apologize. But these were unforeseen events. BETTE Yeah aren’t they all. Curly places his hand on the back of Bette’s shoulder and stops her from walking. He spins her around and looks her in the eyes. CURLY Bette. Life is full of beauty; it’s also full of ugliness. It’s full of ups, it’s full of downs. It’s full of many, many things. And even though we may not get what we want, at least we have the opportunity to experience it. BETTE What is that from a fortune cookie? CURLY Actually it was on the back of a cup of coffee. BETTE Great, there’s nothing better than life advice from a naked green chick on the back of a paper cup.

CURLY I thought it was pretty insightful. BETTE It was alright but let’s not sell it as the word of Jesus Christ okay? CURLY But of course...oh I have something for you. Curly presents Bette with an envelope. BETTE Is this my Kris Kringle? CURLY You could say that. Bette takes the envelope and opens it. There is a thick stack of lottery tickets. BETTE Lottery tickets? CURLY Not just lottery tickets, a lot of lottery tickets. BETTE You know what the odds of winning are right? Curly has no response. BETTE Like one in a kabillion. CURLY Is that a fact? BETTE I don’t remember the number but it’s pretty darn low. It’s not even a tenth of a percent. CURLY

So you don’t like the gift? BETTE It’s the thought that counts. CURLY Oh that means it’s bad. Damn it I knew we shoulda got you that porcelain cat. BETTE On second thought this is pretty good. Bette kisses Curly on the cheek. BETTE Thanks for the gift. Curly is overwhelmed. He faints and falls over. BETTE Curly? 27. INT. BARNABY RESIDENCE - DAY Bette enters the house holding several bags of groceries. She waddles into the kitchen ands puts down the grocery bags on the table. She looks at the refrigerator and notices a note with messy handwriting. “Honey went to visit my father. Took Jamie with me. Love, Allen” BETTE Oh dear God. 28. INT. LIQUOR STORE – DAY Allen enters the liquor store with Jamie. CASHIER Excuse me. Allen looks around, ignoring the cashier. CASHIER Excuse me! Sir!

Allen turns his attention to the cashier. ALLEN You talkin’ to me? CASHIER I don’t see anybody else around. I must be talkin’ to you. ALLEN Ain’t that a fact. Allen turns away from the cashier. CASHIER SIR! Allen gives the cashier his attention again. ALLEN What! CASHIER Kids are NOT allowed in the store. This is a place of liquor and liqueur. It is not a play park for children. ALLEN So what you want me to leave ‘im outside? Is that what you want? You want me leave him out in the cold all by himself? A little three year old kid, alone, out on the street. CASHIER That’s not what I meant. ALLEN Look I’m really thirsty and I don’t have anybody to watch my kid. So if you’d stop being a liquor hording nigger and allow me to make my purchase, I will gladly be on my way. CASHIER I really take offence to your racism.

ALLEN Yeah well get used to it. This is America. Allen grabs a 24 pack of beer and slams it onto the counter. 29. INT-EXT. CAR, LONG STREET - DAY Jamie sits in the backseat while Allen busies himself drinking and driving. ALLEN You’re a lucky kid y’know that. Jamie plays with a loose string on his shirt. ALLEN I may not be the best father, but I’m not the worst. Red light. ALLEN Sure I may be a little irrational -- even dangerous at times, but I really do care. Green light. ALLEN I guess you’re too young to realize it but you’re actually one of many children...ah yes I know what you’re saying, “How does that make me lucky?” Well outta all the kids Jamie I chose you. You’re special Jamie. You’re a real special kid. Stop sign. Allen takes a swig of beer. 30. EXT. MOBILE HOME - DAY Allen pulls the car up to a dilapidated mobile home. He rolls down the windows. ALLEN I’ve rolled down the windows so you don’t suffocate. However with fresh air comes

fresh responsibility. So I don’t want you leaving the car at anytime. Stay here ‘till I come back. Got it? Jamie nods. ALLEN Good. I’ll be back in a couple minutes. 31. INT. MOBILE HOME – DAY Allen saunters over to the mobile home and knocks on the door. A petite elderly lady with wavy white hair answers -- Allen’s mother, Colleen. ALLEN Hello Colleen. COLLEEN Allen?! What’re you doing here? ALLEN I haven’t seen dad in such a long time. I just thought I’d come by and visit. COLLEEN Well he’s not here. As Colleen is about to close the door Allen jams his foot inside. ALLEN Are you sure about that? COLLEEN Let me check. Colleen shuffles away with her slippers and Allen lets himself inside. He takes a seat on the available chair. Allen’s father Jeffrey appears and casts a shadow from behind. Allen gets up and greets his dad. ALLEN Dad. JEFFREY What’re you doing here?

ALLEN Just came back to pay back what I owe. JEFFREY I don’t recall lendin’ you any money. ALLEN Of course you’ve never done anything good for me have you? Colleen watches in the distance, fully aware of the tension. JEFFREY What’re you talking about? I raised your lazy ass for twenty gawt-dang years. ALLEN Yes the days were fine, but remember what you did in the night? JEFFREY I... ALLEN I thought it was normal. I thought every kid went through the same experience. But obviously I was wrong. JEFFREY I’m sorry. ALLEN It’s too late for sorry Jeffrey. JEFFREY (Crying) I, I, I was confused! Allen grabs Jeffrey by the collar. ALLEN I was confused too! Allen pushes Jeffrey to the floor. Jeffrey falls down and crawls back on his hands. Allen lunges at him like a wild animal and attacks

mercilessly with his fists. Jeffrey is bloodied up and barely able to breathe. COLLEEN Stop it you’re killing him! ALLEN (To Colleen) You were supposed to protect me mom! (Crying) You were supposed to protect me! You knew everything! You bitch! COLLEEN I... Colleen runs away. Jeffrey is unconscious. Allen gets up. He wipes away the tears and splashed blood from his face. 32. EXT. MOBILE HOME – DAY Allen jumps into his car and drives away. Colleen stares out the window, on the phone. 33. INT. CORRECTIONAL FACILITY, PRISON CELL – DAY Allen is sitting on the bed inside the Prison Cell, while Bette stands outside talking with her arms folded. BETTE Do you know how incredibly irresponsible you are? ALLEN Where’s Jamie? BETTE I didn’t bring Jamie okay. Forgive me if I didn’t want my son to see his dumb daddy in prison. ALLEN When I get out of here there’s gonna be trouble. BETTE

You aren’t going to get out! You KILLED your dad. You’re a murderer! Allen jumps to his feet and grabs the prison bars. He stares deep into Bette’s eyes with anger. ALLEN It was an accident. BETTE You really are pathetic aren’t you? Allen violently grabs Bette by the hair. The prison guard springs to action and tasers him to the ground. PRISON GUARD Ma’am are you alright? BETTE For now... PRISON GUARD Let me show you off the premises. Bette is kindly escorted away. 34. INT. SUE’S APARTMENT UNIT - DAY Bette, Sue, Jamie, and Sue’s Husband Craig are sitting around a table having lunch; Caesar salad, coffee and tuna sandwiches. CRAIG (Bites into Sandwich) I like tuna fish sandwiches. Not a lot of people like them, but I think they’re great. SUE Yes Craig that’s why you told me to make them right? CRAIG It’s light but filling. Doesn’t give you a bogged down feeling after you’ve eaten it, but it really is satiating. SUE Yes and the taste isn’t bad either.

CRAIG Oh yes the taste, salty yet sour; a real strange eclectic combination of flavours. SUE It also goes great with coffee. Since you know Coffee is sweet and bitter. They’re... CRAIG ...the opposite of each other. SUE Exactly. Bette sips her coffee. CRAIG Well what about salad? SUE What about it? CRAIG How does the salad compliment the flavours currently on our plates? SUE And our cups. CRAIG And our cups! SUE Personally I think it’s neutral territory. It’s not there to add extra flavour but rather, portion wise, to balance things out. CRAIG A filler? SUE Exactly. Bette takes another sip of her coffee. She has barely eaten her sandwich.

SUE Bette is there something wrong with your sandwich? BETTE No. Why? SUE You don’t seem to be eating it. Jamie drinks some milk from his sippy cup. BETTE I’m sorry. I know I been living here for a couple days now, but I’m just not used to the peace and quiet. CRAIG Want us to make some noise? WOOOOO! BETTE Uh, no thanks. SUE Whatever we can do to make you and Jamie feel at home just ask us. BETTE No I couldn’t. SUE Oh come on we’re sisters. And not like black sisters who aren’t really sisters at all, we’re actually real sisters. BETTE No please I prefer it the way it is. SUE Are you sure? BETTE Positive. SUE

Because we could throw down if you want? BETTE No really it’s okay. Craig takes out a lottery ticket and presents it to Bette. CRAIG Oh I found this in your jean pocket when I was washing the clothes the other night. I think it’s a lotto ticket. Bette takes the lotto ticket and looks at it. It’s a bit crumpled and worn but still readable. BETTE Wow this a couple months old. I didn’t even check the numbers yet. CRAIG It’s a miracle it survived in your pants pocket for such a long time. SUE Oh yeah that’s a real miracle. It’s right up there with walking on water. CRAIG Hey miracles come in different shapes and sizes. BETTE I assure you it’s no miracle. I just never washed those jeans. CRAIG Really? They actually didn’t smell that bad. SUE You smelt my sister’s jeans? CRAIG Yeah well she’s hot. SUE For the last time Craig we are not having a ménage-trois.

BETTE Should I move out today or should I do it tomorrow? SUE Oh don’t be such a prude Bette. You know all men have these fantasies. We’re just more open about it. BETTE Yes but do you really have to discuss it in front of your three year old nephew? CRAIG You’re right. He’ll learn about it in school. KNOCK at the door. SUE Craig honey... CRAIG I’m going, I’m going. Craig takes a swig of coffee and goes to answer the door. He is met with a pair of Mormons. MORMON ONE Hi! CRAIG Hello? MORMON TWO We’re from the Church of Jesus Christ Latterday Saints. MORMON ONE Are you lost? CRAIG No. MORMON ONE Spiritually are you lost? Do you feel despair? Do you feel life is without a purpose?

CRAIG No not really. MORMON TWO Well you’re in luck. We have a solution to solve all of your problems. CRAIG Is it a panacea? I don’t believe in panaceas. MORMON ONE No better. It’s called Mormonism. CRAIG Oh god...Look you guys I don’t wanna be converted. I’m perfectly fine with my current religion. MORMON TWO Which is? CRAIG Atheism. MORMON ONE Atheism isn’t a religion. CRAIG Yes it is. MORMON TWO (Angry Squint) No it’s not. CRAIG Look here you Mormons what is the definition of a religion? MORMON ONE Uh... CRAIG The definition of religion is a large organized group of people with a set of valued beliefs.

MORMON TWO Well I don’t... CRAIG I am an atheist; one of many. We are organized and we have a set of valued beliefs. Therefore by definition we are in fact a religion. MORMON ONE Uh... CRAIG UH you know I’m right. SUE (OS) Are you teasing the Mormons again? Stop teasing the Mormons Craig! CRAIG I’m sorry I have to go now. Craig pushes pasts the Mormons and disappears down the hallway. 35. INT. LIBRARY - DAY Craig wanders around the library. He checks out the men as he passes through the aisles. As Craig is looking a big black man spins around and catches him in the act. He holds him by the front of his collar. BIG MAN Why are you looking at me? CRAIG (Stuttering) I’m trying to find a wife -- I mean I’m trying to find a man for my wife’s sister. BIG MAN (Lets Go) Wow you must be really wHipped. CRAIG I’m not wHipped. I’m just trying to be helpful.

BIG MAN Do you know how hard it is to find a good man these days? CRAIG No that’s why I’m still searching. BIG MAN Look buddy the only way you’re gonna find a good man is if a) they’re gay or b) they’re Jewish -- and neither one of those dates outside their circle. CRAIG Well couldn’t they convert? BIG MAN You can’t convert a Jew. You know how sweet that religion is? No hell, no fire, no brimstone AND your third bris is completely complimentary. CRAIG Wow. I am really in the wrong religion. BIG MAN Let me guess. Roman Catholic? CRAIG No. Atheist. BIG MAN Atheist? That’s not a religion. CRAIG Hey if scientology can be a religion so can atheism. BIG MAN ...You are one crazy cow boy. CRAIG Man you can ride my tail anytime! BIG MAN Okay I’m gonna go back to reading my book now.

The big man goes back to reading his book and Craig happily pimps away. 36. INT. LIBRARY, READING AREA - DAY With a Popular Science magazine in hand, Craig takes a seat beside a man with his face buried behind a big book. As Craig quietly read the man beside him makes annoying noises, “Ah”, “Oh”, “Hmm”. Craig taps on the man’s shoulder. CRAIG Excuse me. The man lowers his book and looks at Craig. He is stunningly handsome; brunette hair, hazel brown eyes, a strong jaw; perfectly straight teeth. Everything you could want in a man (physically anyway). CRAIG Could you not make noises while you read? It’s really distracting. HENRY I’m sorry it’s just that this book...it’s just so incredibly fascinating. CRAIG What is it about? HENRY Regenerative medicine. CRAIG You mean like growing limbs back and stuff. HENRY Uh huh. And hearts, and livers, and kidneys, and even brains! CRAIG (Indolent) Sounds real exciting. HENRY

Well I don’t know if it’s that exciting but I’m surgeon you know. It’s what I do. Craig perks up. CRAIG Did you say a surgeon? HENRY Yup. CRAIG A human surgeon right? Not like a dog or a cat surgeon or anything silly like that right? HENRY Actually I do both. Saving any type of life is a reward in itself. CRAIG Even insects? HENRY Especially insects. CRAIG ...Are you gay? HENRY Pardon? CRAIG Are you a homosexual? HENRY No... CRAIG Oh. Then you must be Jewish. HENRY Well my mom is Jewish, but my dad is Catholic. So I guess that makes me a halfbreed huh? CRAIG

Um sure...so uh are you seeing anyone right now? HENRY Wait are you...oh my God. I am so sorry. I’m not...well you know. CRAIG Huh? No, no. I’m not gay. I’m...I’m looking for my sister in-law. HENRY Oh. Can I see a picture? Craig takes out a picture. HENRY Wowza! CRAIG I must warn you though. She does have a kid. HENRY I like kids. CRAIG And she’s going through a messy relationship right now. HENRY I like challenges. CRAIG And she has a third nipple. HENRY I like nipples. CRAIG And she’s a blood sucking alien. HENRY I like aliens. CRAIG

And she eats the heads of her partners after she mates with them. HENRY I like strong women. CRAIG You’re just thinking about the S-E-X aren’t you? HENRY Was it that obvious? Craig nods his head. 37. EXT. BUS STOP – DAY Bette is standing in the bus stop eating a donut, when Henry appears. HENRY Are you Bette? Bette looks left and right, check to see if the handsome gentleman is talking to her. BETTE Are you talking to me? HENRY Well you are the only one here. (Smiles) BETTE And you are? HENRY Hi I’m Henry. Henry and Bette shake hands. HENRY Your brother in-law... BETTE Oh no!

HENRY What? BETTE Craig has been trying to set me up for the past two weeks. And well I don’t mean to be harsh; I appreciate the effort but... HENRY They’re all losers. BETTE No that’s not what I was gonna say, but pretty close. HENRY (Frowns) Oh. Bette finishes her donut and dusts off her hands. BETTE You seem like a nice guy. Let’s go grab a cup of coffee. HENRY What kind? I’m really particular about my coffee. BETTE Starbucks. HENRY No. BETTE McDonald’s. HENRY No. BETTE Dunkin Donuts. HENRY No.

BETTE Tim Hortons. HENRY They have that here? BETTE No. Henry scratches his chin. HENRY Hmm... 38. INT. STARBUCKS – DAY Bette and Henry sit across from each other at a round checkered table, drinking coffee. HENRY I know this is a silly question to ask, because you’re here with me, but do you have anyone else in your life? BETTE Excluding my adorable son and my jailbird husband...no. I don’t. HENRY Good. I really look forward to having sex with you. BETTE Come again? HENRY I look forward to having sex with you. We will be having sex right? BETTE (Whispering) Damn it. I knew he was too good to be true. HENRY

I know I’m being a bit forward and I’m being a bit blunt, but you are a really attractive woman for your age and I want you. I want to have sex with you. BETTE I didn’t mind the “you wanting to have sex with me” thing, because let’s be honest I want it too; but calling me attractive for my age -- not exactly a turn on. HENRY Well you are attractive for your age. BETTE I know Henry but the way you said it...it was just a real turn off. HENRY Can I have a second chance? BETTE My eggs are drying up Henry. I don’t have time to pursue a superficial relationship. I need someone I can settle down with. HENRY In bed? BETTE NO not in bed. HENRY Oh. Bette gets up from the table. HENRY You’re leaving? BETTE Goodbye Henry. Bette leaves. Henry drops his head on the table and cries. 39. INT. SUE’S APARTMENT UNIT – DAY, AFTERNOON

Bette enters the apartment. Craig and Sue stand before her. They have been waiting anxiously for her return. BETTE (Tired) Ugh... CRAIG So Bette how was your date? BETTE Date? I’ve had better dates being dragged by my hair. CRAIG Well in my defense he is a surgeon. BETTE Oh yeah that more than makes up for the maniacal behaviour. Knowing that he’s a rich crazy surgeon really fulfills me emotionally. CRAIG What’s with you chicks and needing to be filled emotionally? SUE First of all it’s, fulfilled emotionally. Second of all you’re a man. You wouldn’t understand. CRAIG What’s there to understand? I have emotions. You have emotions. We all have emotions. SUE Unfortunately Craig it’s not that simple. CRAIG What ever do you mean? SUE

You see a woman is like a box of chocolates; very sweet and easy to melt, but in excess fattening and sometimes fatal. CRAIG I don’t get it. SUE Exactly and that’s why you’re a man. You don’t understand the complex needs of a woman. CRAIG Oh you mean money. SUE Yes. No! Not money. Emotions, we need the right emotions. BETTE A woman needs to be balanced. She needs sadness, she needs drama; she needs happiness. Yin and yang. CRAIG And a man can give this to a woman? SUE The right man can. CRAIG (To Sue) So I fulfill you emotionally? SUE No movies and romance novels do that, but you do have a good job. CRAIG (Sighs) Wake me up in half an hour. Craig goes away to the master bedroom. 40. EXT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

Bette is pushing a line of shopping carts in the parking lot. Curly and Steve appear from behind in a black golf cart. It is proudly emblazoned with the logo of the department store. CURLY (Jokingly) Hey baby, need a ride? Bette is rolls her eyes and continues pushing the carts. Curly drives the golf cart alongside. CURLY Hey Bette -- Knock, knock. Bette continues, slowly pushing the carts. CURLY Knock, knock. Bette pauses. BETTE (Sighs) Who’s there? CURLY Halibut. BETTE Halibut who? CURLY (Puckers Lips) Halibut a kiss baby! BETTE (In Spanish) Go fuck yourself. CURLY Oh you’re bad! STEVE So! Bette and Curly turn their attention toward Steve.

STEVE Did you guys hear about the unclaimed ticket? BETTE The unclaimed ticket? STEVE Yeah. There’s an uh unclaimed lottery ticket. I think it’s worth about a hundred million; a hundred something million. BETTE Really? STEVE Yeah and nobody’s claimed it. It’s just floating out there in who knows where; the garbage can or whatever. BETTE I’m sure somebody will find it. CURLY They better cash it in quick... STEVE The ticket expires in a week. CURLY (To Steve) Please don’t finish my sentences for me. STEVE Sorry Curly I’ll try not to... CURLY Do it in the future. STEVE What the. CURLY See how annoying that is. STEVE

Whatever; so yeah you comin’? BETTE Comin’ where? STEVE To the ticket hunt. BETTE Ticket hunt? STEVE Yeah ticket hunt. CURLY We’re searching for the lost lottery ticket. STEVE Just like Indian Jones. CURLY Except not nearly as exciting. STEVE But safer. CURLY So it evens out. BETTE As boring as that sounds I really don’t have the time to hunt for a supposed winning lottery ticket. CURLY I know it sounds like a long shot... STEVE But in actuality you have a better chance of finding this ticket than coming up with the winning numbers next week. CURLY (Annoyed, Whispering) What did I tell you about finishing my sentences?!

Steve ignores Curly. STEVE (Points) So are you in or are you out? BETTE No thanks I think I’ll stick to my diet Pepsi. Insert product placement here. CURLY Um okay. Eh I’ll stick to my diet Coke. Steve looks at his watch. STEVE Aw Christ.

Steve happy about Bette and Henry Crotch Fruit