Looking Within

Looking Within, Seeing Beyond Chronicles at the Monastery of the Transfiguration (Malaybalay City, Province of Bukidnon) by Erwin Joey CABILAN y ESCABILLAS

May 25, 2008 Sunday at 9:30 a.m. Solemnity of the Corpus Christi I am having my annual retreat at the Benedictine Monastery of the Transfiguration, San Jose, Malaybalay, Bukidnon. On this special occasion, I would like to reflect on my life as a catechist. The place speaks about the grandeur of God. The mountain ranges, the fresh air, the presence of the monks and their lay collaborators, the vast farmland, and many more, are beautiful sceneries that aid me to be deeply get in touch with myself and with God. The journey is not just about my own life. As I look into my life in this personal spiritual exercise, I cannot close my eyes from the realities of the things around me, and most of all, with the significant others in my life. My rootedness in God is being reflected through my relationship with others as well. Another theme that I would like to consider in this retreat is the Eucharist. I sent text messages to Dom Martin de Jesus Gomez, osb, to arrange my retreat schedule. I wanted to have it on May 2629, 2008. But the last two days are already booked. So, I decided to start my retreat two days ahead of my proposed schedule, May 24-27, 2008. Today, May 25, is the Solemnity of the Corpus Christi. I believe, Jesus, who has called me to be His catechist, wants me to ponder on this blessed mystery of our Catholic faith. Because of this conviction, my retreat, which coincides with this solemn feast, never happened by chance or by accident. I thank the Lord Jesus for this purposeful moment of being with Him, through Him and in Him. ************ May 25, 2008, Sunday At 2:30 p.m. Between 10:15 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. today, I went to the Adoration Chapel of the Monastery Church to encounter the Lord Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. The Blessed Sacrament was not exposed; it was kept in the tabernacle. Adoring the Eucharistic presence of our Lord Jesus is one of the popular devotions of the Catholic Church. But I observe that in this devotion, most of us do the talking. Well, out intention is to pray. However, our method of praying is somehow monologic; or maybe the proper term could be soliloquy. In this sense, I ask myself that if I am the one who do the talking, I think prayer as a loving dialogue with God, must be considered by every pray-er (the person who prays). This is just personal observation but I guess, many would come to agree with me. Our way of praying needs to be purified and corrected by first, understanding correctly what prayer is. If prayer is a loving conversation with God, it involves not only talking but also listening to God. With this realization, I went before the Blessed Sacrament talking and listening to Jesus. As I conversed with Him like a brother, a friend and a lover, I allowed the Blessed Eucharist to speak to me. The Eucharistic presence of Jesus is evocative because it is “the symbol” of our Lord par excellence. Within 45 minutes, as the Lord was talking to me, I reflected upon His presence on the following key qualities. 1. Simplicity 2. Love 3. Glory

2 SIMPLICITY The Blessed Sacrament was decorated with beautiful flowers and is kept in a beautiful tabernacle. While looking and talking with Jesus, I also took time to look outside and there, the grandeur of the mountain ranges of Bukidnon! These are all beautiful sights to behold. From this I asked the Lord, “Why, of all earthly things, have you chosen to manifest Yourself with a simple bread that is doughless and tasteless?” Maybe, many of us would say that this type of bread is almost good for nothing! Why? Because when we consume it, it easily “disappears” in our mouth. Since it “disappears”, it can never guarantee satisfaction. Those reactions seemingly echo what the Israelites have experienced when they were hungry and thirsty in the desert on their way to the Promised Land (cf. Dt.). They received food (manna) from God and yet, they complained! But the Lord reminded them that it was He who brought them out from slavery in Egypt and delivered them from saraph serpents. This is my reflection: When our expectations from God never met with ours, we have the tendency not to appreciate the gifts that we received and the Giver of the gifts because we want God to produce and to give us what we want from Him. We end up being frustrated, disappointed and even ungrateful. Thus, a heart that is never grateful is always seeking for things that are less and is never full. Gratitude to God (this is the essence of the word EUCHARIST; Gk. ευχηαριστειν) is a step, among the many steps to walk on, in order that we can discover God’s sheerness in, through and with Jesus’ Eucharistic presence! When I asked Jesus this question “Why have You chosen this kind of bread?” I looked into my life as a professional catechist and in my prayer, God also asked me, “Have you asked yourself why I have chosen you to be catechist?” I am aware that I am a person who possess both talents and flaws, strengths and weakness! Even if I consider the light side of me, still, I end up telling myself and God, “These are not mine. You gave these to me!” If I am someone today, it is not because of my own doing; everything comes from God. When all of these come to vanish, what remains is God! Jesus, the great catechist, has chosen me to be His own. He knows me better than I to my very self. In spite of those realities that I can hardly accept, He has drawm me to Himself, to His very heart! Despite of my nothingness, my being ordinary, my sinfulness, Jesus is the Lord! The Incarnation is so rich in meaning. This mystery of our faith makes me understand the simplicity of God in the Eucharist. His simplicity allows me to see, experience and savor His humility of being with us, His desire of staying close to us and His joy of feeding us. I humbly admit that I am so limited in expounding and even in giving some valid reasons why Jesus has chosen to be our daily Bread. But I find consolation that in this Blessed Bread, God is God! In receiving Jesus through the Eucharist, His being tasteless and doughless should lead me and every Christian to pray more, to yearn more, to desire more and to allow our whole being to cry out, more and more, for God, only God, always God! What does God’s simplicity mean for us? For me, it means that when I let go of myself, of my own images about God and all of my desires, especially those that are not of God, it paves way for Him to possess me. When I am full of God “I” become more and more hidden and unknown; and only God suffices! This is simplicity. It is God’s eternal beauty! ************ May 26, 2008, Monday at 9:05 a.m. LOVE Before writing this reflection, I went to the Adoration Chapel of the Monastery Church to pray before the Eucharistic presence of Jesus. During my prayer, many insights came out from my mind. I was struggling in so far as I wanted to draw out insights as I ponder on the theme The Eucharist as God’s Love. I let it happen that way. God works in mysterious ways. I respected what I have gone through so that the Holy Spirit might not be stifled.

3 As I was about to end my prayer, I felt the silence of God. His silence is something to ponder upon. Why are you silent, Lord? What does Your silence mean? Is this Your way for me to know deeply Your essence that is love? I cannot discover God’s reasons why during that moment of prayer, He was quiet. On the first part of my reflection, I was resolved to listen more and more to Jesus. But now, I hear nothing but silence. If this is God’s way so that I can “go out into the deep” of my being a catechist, so be it! In response to God’s silence, I trust. I trust because He knows what is best and He gives what is the best. He does all of these because of love; a gift which I don’t deserve but I take it because it is God’s free gift! Why do You love me, Lord, in spite of my unworthiness? The love of God is never equated with feeling and with attraction; though these can be a prelude that lead to His love (especially for those who are called to married life). Why does God love us so much? Again, I find myself struggling to find the best intelligible reason to understand this. But I guess, an alternative to discover this reality of Divine Love is to keep our minds and hearts quiet and journey with the God of Silence in stillness. Where is love in God’s stillness? Jesus was considered by the people in authority (political, religious, social, cultural, economic) of His time as an anti-thesis to their lifestyle. Jesus, was for them, a sign that contradicted to their way of thinking, valuing and acting. Because they loathed His person, His words (message) and His good deeds, they wanted to silence Him. Suppression, and even murder, were ways to stop Jesus in proclaiming the love of God for all. But Jesus’ love to the Father as expressed to His solidarity with others (us) could never be stopped. I find the story of the Last Supper as a powerful event in the life of God as revealed by Jesus. As he was silenced by suppression, oppression, rejection and even by betrayal of His friends, Jesus showed that He never conceded to their ways of arrogance and pride, of fear and anxiety. On the night when He was betrayed, Jesus……. 1. 2. 3. 4.

took off his clothes; tied a towel around His waist; washed the feet of His disciples and; took the bread and wine as His Body and Blood which are both given and shed for the entire humanity.

The Washing of the Feet happened within the context of the Holy Eucharist (the Last Supper). This does not only show us the path of leadership which is service but to reveal to us the God whose power and might (symbolic of Jesus’ hands) are never driven by force and retaliation but only by compassion: only love and always love! When He was handed over to death, Jesus used His hands in washing His disciples’ feet to teach them the way of service that points to gentleness and compassion. Jesus took the risk in not compromising His love by arrogance and pride, and by fear and anxiety. As He was dying, His physical existence was about to be silenced but His love has conquered them all. On the cross, Jesus was lifeless but His love remains. He never kept it to Himself; He gave it freely to all of us because He loved the Father. On the cross, the intimacy between the Father and Son was also shared in the Son’s solidarity with us. Thus, God’s love is everlasting. In this tragedy, we see how God’s love is at work and it continues to carry on with the Easter narratives. Those who tried to silence Jesus were silenced by His resurrection. They could never tell the story of God’s triumphant love because their minds and hearts were full of the things that were not of God’s. Those who left and betrayed Jesus were drawn to His very heart. The disciples’ hearts were deeply troubled but Jesus conquered their troubled hearts and gave them His Easter gift: Peace! The Eucharistic miracle, which is “love at work in our lives”, is not our own doing and making. It is God’s work. It is God’s gift of Himself in, through and with Jesus by the Holy Spirit. Jesus took the risk in loving. But this is the only way to show to us how God loves us all. It is very difficult to love that is selfless; to love without expecting something in return; to love without the prize of glory; to love even if it hurts. When we forgive, we cannot expect that the person who has hurt us will never ask for forgiveness anymore. By letting go of our arrogance and pride and the fear

4 of being helpless, we embrace a life that always starts anew. Our woundedness is never a hindrance to let God’s love heal us and to make us whole. These are marks, so painful, that, if you and I allow God to be God, can be open marks where He comes in and makes us new again and again and again. Blessed Teresa of Calcutta said, “Love until it hurts”. As I love painfully and faithfully, love conquers pain because I have Jesus in my heart. For others, silence can make us dumb and dumber. But can we be dumbed if the God of Silence sings to us His melody that is Love? ************ May 26, 2008, Monday at 2:35 p.m. GLORY How can I understand the glory of God in and through the Eucharist? There are many ways to arrive at those many theological treatises that attempt to answer such question. Some defined glory as external manifestations of God’s grandeur and achievements. Of course, even without these, God is glory in Himself because God is God! But personally, I would like to reflect on God’s glory through “another way”. What is this? Some presiders of the Eucharistic celebration, in introducing the Bread and Wine, as the Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus, say it this way, “This is the crucified and glorified Jesus…….” How can God be glory in those humble species? I think, “another way” of understanding the glory of God is the way of being hidden. In God, his glory is hiddenly revealed. For me, God’s being hidden does not mean that He denies us from knowing Him. God never exists for Himself! He is constantly reaching out to us and as He does this, men and women of faith can come to the knowledge of His truth, not instantly but gradually. Jesus, in His Eucharistic presence, tells us that the more we know God, the more that we realize that there are many things about Him. In the midst of this profound reality, I stand before Him in awe and wonder! God’s glory, as revealed in the Eucharist, shines through in being hidden. Jesus gave glory to God the Father in the Spirit by living an ordinary life in ancient Palestine together with His parents. No one ever thought that the Son of God would “pitch His tent among us” in a particular moment of our history, in a land that was almost removed from the map because it was conquered by powerful empires, with a particular identity which He bore all the likeness of every human being except sin. His mission was never a big news. He died a criminal without having committed a crime. When He rose from the dead, His disciples were unaware of it. They came to realize that He is risen through apparitions to women and to His disciples in ordinary places where He was almost never recognized such as in Emmaus and in Galilee (by the sea)! The Eucharistic presence of Jesus tells you and me that we meet God in moments that are ordinary and unexpected. Seeing is believing. If there are other “senses” that need to be sharpened other than our Five Basic Senses, it is the sense of faith that communicates presence, that stirs common sense and that always enables each other’s heart sense. A heart that loves God can see God! Another thing that we have to consider is the hidden wonder of God in the transubstantiation. How can the bread and wine become Christ’s Body and Blood without having been transformed? For me, the miracle is real not because we are asked to believe. Our faith as a community of believers is full of God’s Spirit who breathes in the Church, the New Body of Christ. Jesus is no longer physically around but we experience His loving and changing presence through the Church. When we, as a Church, celebrate the Eucharist, Jesus who is both the Priest and the Victim, makes present His presence. Transubstantiation teaches us that the miracle of God is continually at work in the midst of our ordinariness and frailties as persons and as a Church. St. Augustine expresses it in these words: “Receive what you are.” Being a Christian is already an experience of God’s wonder. We become by what we receive. Receiving Jesus is a task that you and I are called to be like Him in all things, in season and out of season.

5 God’s hidden glory is a life-giving experience. Since I encounter this reality of God, I am called to live this in my daily life. God’s hidden glory is a spirituality----a joy in living according to Jesus’ Spirit. This spirituality is not an excuse by being shy in sharing my talents and capacities. The spirituality of a catechist is very much related to this. It is okay that my contributions are not acknowledged or recognized by others. I am at peace and happy that I am doing my work faithfully, even at the background. I am contented that when things have come to an end, I will fade away. When I let go of my whims and desires, I find fullness in God. By giving my best when I teach so that God can meet the person and vice-versa, God’s glory shines through. When I take time to let my students learn because I love God through them, God’s glory gushes forth. When I painstakingly struggle to balance my ministry and my family life, God’s glory twinkles even in the night sky. God never demands much from me. What He asks of me, day by day, is that I become His bread and His wine, in ways that I can and never as I can’t. ************ May 26, 2008, Monday at 7:56 p.m. This written reflection is a fruit of my prayer with and to God. I don’t have a retreat master to guide me. Like a pencil, I allow God to hold me gently and be at His disposal. I am writing this part with only a lighted candle that fills the whole room that I occupy. The monastic tradition has facilitated me in this retreat. I thank and praise the Holy Spirit for continually inspiring men and women to commit their lives in this ministry. They remind us to journey with God from within in order to savor His goodness and to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. I praise and thank God for the gift of the Eucharist. This mystery that we celebrate is also our life. It is God’s gift to the Church and to the world. Without the Eucharist, the Church would die. In this note, I am reminded of Christian communities all over the world who long to be in union with us through celebrating this Sacrament. But circumstances hinder them to do so. I pray to God that this desire to encounter Him may keep their minds and hearts be afired to kindle the darkness of the world. With a little spark of the light of Jesus, may they be faithful in proclaiming their faith even in silence and in the simplicity of their lives that in Jesus, God is love! I praise and thank the Lord for allowing Himself and His message to be transmitted from one generation to another. In this way, we keep our memory of God’s love story with us in, with and through Jesus alive. I thank You, Lord, for my parents, my family, my relatives, my friends, my catechists, my fellow catechists, my Basic Ecclesial Community, my parish, the Archdiocese of Davao, my Marist family (lay, consecrated and ordained) and to brothers and sisters in the faith for cultivating in me my love for YOU. I praise and thank You, Lord, for calling me to be your catechist. This is one of the wonderful things that You have done in my life. My sense of gratitude to You is expressed by my serving Your people through the Catechetical ministry. O God, Your beauty is ever ancient and yet it surpasses all. Your majesty is simplicity. I adore You! O God, You are love. This mystery can never be contained. It is full of wonder! I open my mind and heart that You will keep it full of Yourself. O God, all glory are Yours. My mouth is shut as I stand in awe. May my life glorify you by living a life of love.

6 O God, You clothe Yourself with simplicity! O God, You love us all so tenderly! O God, You are full of glory! Amen! ************ May 27, 2008, Tuesday at 6:40 a.m. During my stay here at the Monastery of the Transfiguration, I observe that many people from various places, in Mindanao and in the whole Philippines, come to visit this “holy ground”. As I reflect on this, I came to realize that there are, generally, two categories of people who come here. One, those who are tourists. Two, those who are pilgrims. Many visitors are amazed by the beauty of the Monastery Church. Its beautiful sceneries invite them to stand in awe and wonder at the beauty of Mother Nature. Like them, I cannot stop myself from taking souvenir photos. With my digital camera, I was able to capture the amazing features of the place. But I have come not just to indulge myself with the giftedness of the sights and sounds of the monastery. I have come to a place of prayer and worship, of silence and solace. Its ambiance has helped me to be in touch with myself and with God. In solitude, God has provided me with His gifts: His creation, the people around and many other countless blessings. I would say that my 3-day retreat is a fruitful moment. My written reflection (Looking Within, Seeing Beyond), I think, testifies to this. As this is my last moment of being here, with the sense of gratitude (being Eucharistic!), I thank the Lord! I wrote. I prayed. I walked. I talked. I had moments of being quiet. I ate. I rested. In solace, I am never lonely. Being here makes me experience what CONNECTIVITY means. Touching people’s lives with love and care is grounded in the ONE whose hands have blessed me, have healed and have sent me. Final Note! A part of me is that of being a tourist. I cannot deny this. I am humbled. But above all, this moment is just a segment of my life of being a pilgrim towards my destiny who is God. Amen.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam!