Lesson 8 Notes

God's Design for Your Family Lesson 8 Marital Intimacy Goals: ● ●

To ...um... tactfully address Biblical Sexuality To implement God's design for Sexual Intimacy in our marriages.

Homework: ● If you're married, then discuss this course with your spouse, drop off the kids somewhere else, have a nice dinner, and enjoy what God's given you. ● If you're not, put this lesson away until you are. Thanks to all of you who have come these past couple months to absorb and discuss this teaching. It has been our pleasure to bring this scriptures to all our lives. I couldn't have imagined how rewarding doing this course would be. All of you have brought so much to the class. Matt and Angie, you guys have shown others that with God, all things are possible. Tony and Cindy, you two are exciting. I have appreciated all your stories and your teachability. I especially appreciate Tony making the trek out here to get the Word of God. Mark and Carol, you two are a blast. Your enthusiasm and commitment to each other have validated and strengthened all the teaching we've taken in. Mike and Sheila, thank you so much for coming and being committed to getting caught up with the rest of the class. God will continue to do a great work in you both as you stay committed to serving him and honoring him with your obedience. Tim and Dawn, we loved having you the days you were able to come. I hope you get to finish the course on your own or join us the next time around.

I. Introduction (Genesis 2:18-25) A. Marital intimacy occurs at _____________ levels—emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, playfully, seriously, during difficulties, during abundance, during disagreements, etc. B. How ____________________ can you be. Physical intimacy is an opportunity and a challenge to be selfless, giving, and sacrificial. This is especially a challenge for men. Physical intimacy does not, and should not, always mean sexual intimacy. Guys—just because you brush shoulders doesn't mean you should have sex! II. Biblical Sexuality (Hebrews 13:4) A. Sexuality is ______________ idea. (Songs 5:1) B. Sexuality ______________ important unions. C. Sexuality is “__________________ for pleasure.” (Songs 7:10-12, Prov 5:18-19) III. God's purpose for Sexuality A. Mankind is a combination of _________________, __________________ and _____________________. (Prov 31:28-30) B. Sex combines all three in a moment of intimacy. C. Sex ____________ create intimacy. D. But without intimacy created __________________ of a sexual relationship, it is only a _______________ of intimacy. E. Sexual intimacy is _____________________ by a commitment of love. (Songs 8:6-7, 14) IV. The secret to the most awesome sex life: Abiding Love in Marriage (Songs 2:4-7) A. Sexual intimacy should be the culmination of an _____________ relationship. • • • •

Resolve conflict quickly Express non-sexual affection verbally and physically Purposefully think thoughts of love and appreciation throughout the daily Approach sex relationally (ie. Spending time together alone, having a date night etc. before sex)

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Express words of love and intimacy during physical intimacy.

B. Do not ________________ sexual intimacy at the wrong time, for example: (Songs 8:4) • • • • •

before you're married when you and your spouse are not communicating well when you are apart from your spouse due to health reasons etc.

C. Be _______________ of how your spouse experiences intimacy and sex mentally. He or she is not like you. (Exemplary Husband, pg. 151) D. Sexual intimacy must remain _____________________. (no sharing, please) E. Sexual intimacy is part of a broad ___________________________ of your spouse. (Songs 4:1-7) F. Sexual intimacy is ____________________, not just ____________________. It is a selfless ______________________ to your spouse. (1 Cor 7:2-5) G. Protect your ____________________. (1 Cor 6:15-20; 7:2-5) H. Either spouse ________________________. (Songs 4:8-16) I. Both spouses should become _______________________ at pleasing his/her spouse. (Songs 8:3) J. Be _____________________. (Songs 2:10-17) V. Practical Matters A. Prepare • Grooming matters • hair • nails • deodorant • shaving • Atmosphere • candles (and a lighter) • flowers • love notes • oils/massage lotion • Patience • pleasuring your spouse in the ways only you know is more important than

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intercourse • practice pleasuring (see attachment) Supplies • birth control • personal lubrication • other needed supplies Don't forget to blow out the candles before you fall asleep

B. Myths (From Marriage and Family Counseling, Biblical Counseling Center) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Sex is only for having children It is wrong to enjoy sex; sex is dirty It is wrong for the woman to initiate Women don't enjoy sex as much as men Frequency should be limited It's wrong to think about sex with your spouse Sex is a topic you just don't talk about Older people can't enjoy sex

VI. Barriers to Sexual Intimacy (also from Marriage and Family Counseling) A. Guilt related to sexuality B. Past sexual abuse C. Fear related to sex 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Fear of having children Fear of pain or physical complications Fear of spouse's rejection Fear of an unsatisfactory performance Fear of impotence/frigidity Fear of an uncomfortable or distasteful request

VII. Romance A. __________________: demonstrating personal appreciation, interest, and commitment to your spouse. B. Practice ____________________ in and out of bed. C. Learn what ________________________ your spouse. D. Practice _____________________ daily. E. Romance isn't just chocolate and flowers, it's also: •

doing the dishes

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vacuuming the rug cleaning the hair out of the drains getting the dead mouse out of the vent register picking your underwear up off the floor emptying the trash your spouse's way etc.

VIII. Ask yourself: 1. Are you a giver or a taker? 2. Do you care more about your spouse's experience of intimacy than your own experience? 3. Do you understand your spouse's experience of physical intimacy? 4. So you seek to communicate intimacy in all areas of your marriage? 5. Are you building a strong, firm, intimate marriage based on full disclosure and selfsacrifice, or just co-existing and settling for sex? 6. Do you take advantages of opportunities to give to your spouse what he or she wants or needs? 7. Do you think more about how your spouse is not meeting your needs than how you can be meeting your spouse's needs. 8. Husbands, do you seek to understand your wife? 9. Wives, do you respect your husband with your words and actions?

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